Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] >> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪ ♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪ ♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪ ♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO. >> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ TRIES SQUEAL ] >> Rusty: DADDY, WATCH THE ROAD!

>> Early: YOU WATCH YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

ROAD AIN'T GOING NOWHERE.

I'M GONNA DIAL ME UP A GOOD-ASS SONG.

[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> Rusty: UH-OH, THAT WAS THE

SHERIFF.

>> Early: AH, IT'S JUST THE SHERIFF.

[ SIREN WAILS ] AH, HELL, THE SHERIFF.

I CAN'T BE LOCKED UP THIS WEEKEND.

IT'S THE DAMN WEEKEND.

>> Rusty: DADDY, LOOK OUT.

HE'S GAINING ON US.

>> Early: MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO DRIVE.

JUST WAKE ME UP WHEN WE GET THERE.

>> Rusty: DADDY, NO!

[ HISSING ] >> Early: W-WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Rusty: OH, HELL.

WE HIT THE OLD SWEET GUM TREE.

>> Early: AW, THEM PIGS CAN'T DO JACK-SQUAT TO YOU.

HELL, YOU A MINOR.

PLUS, YOU KNOW, YOU WAS DRUNK NOW.

>> Rusty: BUT I AIN'T BEEN DRINKING.

>> Early: THERE YOU GO.

THAT OUGHT TO SELL IT.

>> Rusty: WAIT, DAD, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL.

>> Early: YOU THINK I DO?

COME ON, NOW, DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

[ KNOCK ON WINDOW ] >> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

RUSTY, RUSTY, RUSTY. AGAIN, SON?

THIS MUST BE THE THIRD TIME I'VE PULLED YOU OVER THIS WEEK.

>> Early: [ LAUGHS ] BOYS WILL BE BOYS, RIGHT,

SHERIFF?

>> Sheriff: WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

>> Early: YOU A MINOR.

>> Rusty: I'M A MINOR.

Y'ALL PIGS CAN'T DO JACK-SQUAT TO ME.

I'M A MINOR.

>> Early: YOU HEARD HIM.

HE'S A MINOR.

WE AIN'T HARMING NOBODY.

>> Sheriff: WELL, Y'ALL DAMN NEAR TOOK OUT THE OLD SWEET GUM

TREE.

THIS IS A HISTORICAL LANDMARK.

GENERAL ROBERT E. LEE PRESSED HIS BUBBLE GUM INTO THIS

MAJESTIC OAK RIGHT AFTER HE SIGNED THE TREATY OF APPOMATTOX.

>> THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER CARVED HIS NAME ON THIS TREE BEFORE HE

WAS BURIED UNDER IT.

SEE? "RICK SUX."

>> Sheriff: Y'ALL CAUSE ANY HARM TO THIS TREE, AND THE WHOLE DAMN

TOWN'S GONNA BE UP IN ARMS.

>> Early: IT'S A GOOD THING NOBODY WAS HURT.

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ] >> Early: WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU

LATER.

>> Sheriff: HOLD ON, NOW.

I'M ACTUALLY PULLIN' Y'ALL OVER BECAUSE OF THIS ATM MACHINE

ATTACHED TO YOUR BUMPER BACK HERE.

>> OH, IT'S HOT.

IT'S GOTTEN SO HOT.

>> Early: WELL, THAT THERE COME WITH THE TRUCK.

YOU KNOW, PART OF THE SPORT PACKAGE.

>> Sheriff: [ LAUGHS ] NICE TRY, EARLY, BUT, NO, IT

DIDN'T.

IT'S DELIBERATELY CHAINED TO YOUR BUMPER.

>> Early: RUSTY, YOU TOOK A ATM WHILST I WAS ASLEEP IN THE

BACKSEAT?

>> Rusty: NO, I DIDN'T DO THAT, DADDY.

>> Early: HE DONE IT.

I WITNESSED THE WHOLE THING.

>> Sheriff: WELL, YOU JUST SAID YOU WAS ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT.

>> Early: I'M CHANGING MY STORY.

>> Rusty: DADDY, YOU AIN'T GOT TO DO THIS.

>> Early: WHY, RUSTY, WHY?!

AFTER ALL I'VE DONE TO YOU.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] CUFF HIM, DENNY.

>> Rusty: Y-Y'ALL REMEMBER NOW, YOU CAN'T DO JACK-SQUAT TO ME,

RIGHT?

'C-'CAUSE I'M A MINOR.

>> Sheriff: YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, BUT THE BOYS FROM ATLANTA

MAY WANT TO TRY YOU AS AN ADULT.

>> Early: IT'LL WORK OUT.

TAKE CARE NOW.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

[ SIREN CHIRPS ] IN SEVEN -- WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR,

MAYBE.

>> Rusty: HEY, WHEN DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA GET OUT OF HERE?

>> Sheriff: YOU'RE LOOKING AT SOME HARD TIME HERE, RUSTY.

PROBABLY GONNA HAVE TO PUT SOME OF THEM SERVICE-INDUSTRY DREAMS

ON HOLD FOR A WHILE.

>> Rusty: YEAH, BUT DADDY'S GONNA HAVE A HEAD FULL OF

HORNETS IF I AIN'T HOME ON TIME TO --

>> Sheriff: WHAT?

TAKE THE RAP FOR HIM AGAIN?

>> Early: GET YOUR ASS ON THE FLOOR.

RIGHT THERE'S YOUR MAN.

>> Rusty: HUH?

>> Early: HE DONE IT.

WELL, I SEEN IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY ONLY SON WOULD DO THIS.

>> Rusty: WHAT?

>> Early: GO ON.

HAUL HIS DAMN SMART-ASS MOUTH IN.

I GUESS HE FINALLY GOT FED UP WITH HIMSELF.

THEN HE ASSAULTED HISSELF.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS WHAT I SEE.

>> Sheriff: I'M GONNA ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME.

WHO'S BEEN STEALING ALL THESE ATMs, RUSTY?

>> Rusty: UM, I PLEAD THE FOURTH.

>> Sheriff: YOU PLEAD THE RIGHT FOR WOMEN TO VOTE?

>> Rusty: WELL, I AIN'T AGAINST IT.

>> Sheriff: WELL, IT'S YOUR RIGHT.

I CAN'T DENY YOU.

BUT WE KNOW WHO TOOK THESE ATMs, RUSTY.

IT'S JUST A MATTER WHETHER YOU'RE GONNA HELP US OR NOT.

DAMN, HE'S SHARP.

I TOLD HIM I KNEW WHO DID IT, BUT I COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR

LYING.

WHO DO YOU THINK DID IT?

>> Early: YOU SAID THIS WAS GONNA BE EASY TO BUST OPEN.

THIS AIN'T A DAMN THING LIKE THE SALVATION ARMY BUCKET.

>> Granny: IT'S THE SAME BASIC PRINCIPLE.

JUST SMASH THE GUY WITH THE BELL, AND YOU WIN THE MONEY.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] HELLO.

>> Rusty: GRANNY, IT'S ME.

I'M IN JAIL AGAIN.

>> Granny: No, no, take us off your list.

Thank you.

>> Rusty: NO, GRANNY, I NEED Y'ALL TO COME DOWN AND BAIL ME

OUT.

[ Dial tone ] GRANNY?

>> Granny: I JUST HEARD RUSTY'S IN JAIL.

OH, I TIRED TO BE A ROLE MODEL, TEACH HIM HOW TO BE MORAL AND

RESPONSIBLE, WALK THE PATH OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY.

WHERE THE HELL'S THE ONE FROM THE CREDIT UNION?

>> Early: I CRACKED THAT SUMBITCH LIKE A EGG.

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPS ] >> Granny: THAT'S THAT

"MONKEY KING" MACHINE.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY HAD TIGERS ON ALL THE COINS?

>> Early: A TIGER COULD BE PRESIDENT.

HELL, YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> Granny: PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT, YOU LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING

SON OF A WHORE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I JUST SAID THAT IN CASE YOU AIN'T MY SON.

>> Early: HOW ABOUT YOU SWING THIS HAMMER, OLD-TIMER?

I BEEN AT THIS SUMBITCH ALL DAY.

>> Granny: HAND IT TO ME, MA'AM.

SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

[ SHATTERING ] [ GROANS ]

[ SIREN CHIRPS ] IT'S THE HEAT! TARP UP.

>> Early: SHERIFF, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT YOUR MAN.

WHAT YOU SNOOPING AROUND HERE FOR?

>> Sheriff: WELL, YOU SEEM AWFULLY RELAXED, KNOWING THAT

YOUR ONLY SON COULD BE DOING A LONG STRETCH IN COUNTY LOCKUP.

>> Granny: RUSTY'S IN JAIL?

OH, WHY, RUSTY, WHY?

>> Early: WE TRIED TO DO RIGHT BY HIM.

MAYBE IT WAS OUR LACK OF COMMITMENT.

HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

>> Granny: OH, WE ALWAYS HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, WE JUST NEVER REALLY

FELT LIKE FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH IT.

>> Early: BEING A PARENT IS BORING.

>> Sheriff: SAVE IT, EARLY.

WE DUSTED THE MACHINE FOR PRINTS.

BUT ALL Y'ALL SUCKERS JUST LOOK THE SAME -- CIRCLES.

>> Early: ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I ADMIT IT. RUSTY STOLE THE ATMs.

THERE AIN'T NO USE IN COVERING FOR HIM.

I CAN TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

>> Sheriff: THAT DON'T MATTER.

HE'S ALREADY BEEN TRIED IN THE MEDIA, AND THEY MAY BE USING A

QUOTE FROM ME.

[ LAUGHS ] >> Early: YOU MEAN THE

TV-LOOKY-BOX MEDIA?

>> Sheriff: WELL, HELL, WHY DO YOU THINK I HAD MY HAIR DONE.

>> Early: YOU RECKON THEY GONNA NEED SOME B-ROLL OF THE FAMILY?

>> Granny: THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA NEED SOME INTERVIEWS WITH

THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE MONSTER.

>> Sheriff: NO, STORY'S DONE, GRANNY.

THEY EVEN GIVE RUSTY A NICKNAME -- KID SQUID, THE ATM

BANDIT.

W-WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THESE TARPS HERE?

>> Early: INTERVIEW'S OVER.

>> HIS NAME IS RUSSELL CUYLER, BUT THE COMMUNITY IS CALLING HIM

"KID SQUID."

THIS ARTIST'S SKETCH OF THE SUSPECT SEEMS SUPERFLUOUS WHEN

THERE ARE ALL THESE MUG SHOTS OF THE SUSPECT AND THIS VIDEO.

>> Early: HE'S THE ONE WHAT DONE IT.

THEY FRAMED ME OUT OF THE DAMN SHOT.

>> WHEN WE INFORMED THE SHERIFF THAT THREE MORE ATMs HAD

DISAPPEARED SINCE THE APPREHENSION OF KID SQUID, THE

SHERIFF HAD THIS TO SAY.

>> Sheriff: I MEAN, MY HAIR IS KIND OF FINE IN SOME PLACES, BUT

I KEEP IT LONG ON THE SIDES SO I CAN KIND OF FOOF IT OVER ON THE

OTHER SIDE.

NOBODY CAN TELL. CAN YOU SEE IT?

IS THAT -- IS THAT CAMERA ON?

>> REPORTING LIVE FROM DOUGAL COUNTY, DOUG RICHARDS.

STAY TUNED FOR THE VERY LATEST ON THE STORY OF KID SQUID.

>> Granny: YOU PRETEND TO SACRIFICE SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIDS.

>> Early: I FORCED HIM TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR MY BAD-ASS CRIMES,

AND THEN HE TURNS AROUND AND STEALS ALL THE CREDIT ON THE

DAMN TV-LOOKITY-BOX.

NO, SIR. HELL NO!

[ DRILL WHIRRING ] AIN'T NO WAY RUSTY CAN CLAIM

THIS.

HELL, HE'S IN JAIL.

THIS IS MY CRIME.

>> Granny: OH, I REMEMBER WHEN SHE WAS ONLY A LITTLE SAPLING.

BACK THEN, THEY TRIED TO USE IT TO LYNCH THE YANKEES, BUT IT WAS

TOO SMALL, AND THEM BASTARDS WOULD JUST UPROOT IT AND RUN

OFF.

THEN IT GOT BURNT TO THE GROUND DURING THE BATTLE OF ATLANTA.

AND IT WAS HIT BY THE JAPS DURING PEARL HARBOR.

>> [ SHOUTS IN JAPANESE ] >> Granny: BUT WE KEEP

REBUILDING THIS TREE STRONGER THAN EVER BECAUSE MAGICAL COOKIE

ELVES LIVE INSIDE IT.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD.

>> Early: YEAH, WELL, WE'LL SEE.

WE'LL JUST SEE HOW MUCH EVERYBODY LOVES THE OLD SWEET

GUM TREE...WHEN IT'S DEAD.

LOOK WHAT I DONE.

EARLY CUYLER, BABY. WHOO!

ONLY A CRIMINAL MIND COULD MASTERMIND THE POISONING OF THIS

TREE WITH POISON THE WAY I DONE IT, BABY.

HELL YEAH. EARLY CUYLER, BABY!

OUTLAW EARLY CUYLER.

I CAN'T BE -- OH!

OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GO TELL YOUR GRANDYOUNG'ERNS ABOUT THE DAMN

DAY YOU HIT ME WITH A BAG OF DOG FECES!

[ CRIES ] DAMN.

I DIDN'T GET NO KIND OF FOOT TRAFFIC TODAY.

COUPLE OF CARS, MAYBE.

THE WHOLE DAMN DAY WAS A WASH.

>> Granny: YOU GOT TO GIVE IT TIME TO BUILD.

MAYBE DO A PODCAST, GET YOUR NAME OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE RUSTY.

>> Early: RUSTY, RUSTY.

EVERYBODY LOVES THE DAMN RUSTY.

I HOPE HIS ASS ROTS IN JAIL.

>> Granny: RUSTY'S IN JAIL?

>> Early: SHUT YOUR DUST HOLE, BITCH -- I GOT TO LISTEN TO MY

SOUND MACHINE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, BROCK BELL HERE ON COOL A.M. 1680, THE HEAT.

>> Rusty: OH, HE'S GONNA TALK ABOUT MY TREE.

HERE IT COMES. IT IS MY TIME.

>> THIS KID SQUID IS REALLY CHAPPING MY HIDE.

>> Early: WHAT THE...

TALK ABOUT THE TREE.

>> SO CALL IN, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT KID SQUID SO I CAN

OFFEND YOU AND CUT YOU OFF BEFORE YOU CAN MAKE YOUR POINT.

I GOT A BUNCH OF TOILET-FLUSH AND WHIP-CRACK AUDIO FILES, SO

LET'S DO THIS.

[ RINGING ] OH, WELL, WE GOT A BITE HERE.

EARLY IN DOUGAL COUNTY, WHAT'S CHAPPING YOUR HIDE, FRIEND?

>> Early: YOU TALKING ABOUT KID SQUID LIKE HE'S SOME BIG

DAMN DEAL.

WELL, HE AIN'T.

I'M THE ONE WHAT STOLE THEM ATMs.

ME!

>> ALL RIGHT, WE GOT US A SWAGGER-JACKER HERE.

>> SWAGGER-JACKER.

>> WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR FANCY

CRIMES.

>> Early: LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I DONE THIS WEEK.

I GO ON DOWN INTO TOWN SQUARE, AND I POISONED THE OLD SWEET GUM

TREE WITH POISON!

>> YOU DO REALIZE THAT GENERAL LEE PRESSED HIS GUM

INTO THIS TREE BEFORE HE SIGNED THE TREATY OF APPOMATTOX?

>> Early: YOU THINK I CARE?

GOD GIVE US TREES SO WE COULD SHOW HOW DAMN SUPERIOR WE ARE

TO THEM.

I'M GONNA HANG UP AND LISTEN.

EARLY CUYLER, BABY! WHOO!

FINALLY, SWEET ADMISSION FOR MY CRIMES.

>> Sheriff: THERE AIN'T A LOT I CAN CHARGE YOU WITH, EARLY,

SINCE THE TREE IS STILL ALIVE.

>> Early: BUT LEAVES WAS FALLING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

PRETTY YELLERS AND ORANGE AND RED.

>> Sheriff: IT'S AUTUMN, EARLY.

THAT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR.

PLUS, YOU CAN'T KILL A TREE BY POURING LIGHT BEER ON IT.

>> Early: ALCOHOL POISONING.

ONLY I WAS TRYING TO BINGE IT TO DEATH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THEM FRAT BOYS DONE.

>> Sheriff: LOOK, YOU'RE FREE TO GO, BUT IF I WAS YOU, I'D HANG

IN HERE THROUGH THE WEEKEND.

[ DISTANT SHOUTING ] >> Early: THE WEEKEND?

THAT'S MY CHILL-OUT TIME.

RUSTY, YOU THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE HEAT FOR THIS?

>> Rusty: WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, DADDY?

I BEEN IN JAIL ALL WEEK.

>> Early: [ Voice breaking ] DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR POOR OLD

DADDY?

>> Rusty: FINE.

I POISONED THE TREE, TOO.

>> Early: YOU HEARD HIM.

HE CONFESSED.

NO GO AHEAD AND RELEASE ME ON MY OWN RENAISSANCE.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] SUIT YOURSELF.

>> All: KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

KILL HIM!

>> Early: NOLO CONTENDRO.

GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO PLEAD THE FOURTH ON THIS ONE.

GET THE HELL OFF OF THERE.

>> Rusty: AAH!

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ] >> "RICK SUX."