Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ REALLY WISH I HAD A GUN BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD A BULLET ♪

♪ BIG ENOUGH TO GO AND SHOOT OUT THE SUN ♪

♪ TAKE A MINUTE, DRINK A COLA WHILE I COOK BAKING SODA IN A

BOWL, WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN? ♪ ♪ IF EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET HAD

A CAN OF AQUA NET ♪ ♪ WE'D BE BETTER OFF

♪ BIG BANGS, HICK THINGS, CHICKEN WINGS, SNAPPING TURTLE

TIED TO MY PORCH AND I NEVER LET HER OFF ♪

♪ YOU GOT THAT DEAL, PICKLE? ♪ YOU FEELIN' FICKLE?

♪ A CUP OF MOONSHINE MAKE YOU WANT TO HICCU-HICCUP ♪

♪ TRAILER PARKS COLD, JUNKYARDS ICICLES ♪

♪ JUMPING OVER BARBED WIRE NAKED DON'T TICKLE ♪ Rusty: MY TURN.

Early: HELL NO.

Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

Sheriff: I TOLD YOU, DENNY, SHE'S UKRAINIAN.

WE'VE BEEN DATING, SORT OF.

O-OVER E-MAIL, YOU KNOW.

LOOK, I JUST NEED TO SEND HER A PICTURE.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S GOT TO BE OF YOUR, UH, TROUSER

TROOPER.

Sheriff: WELL, IT'S PART OF THEIR CULTURE IN UKRANIA.

YOU SEND A PICTURE OF YOUR PENIS, AND SHE SHOWS IT TO HER

PARENTS, AND THEN THEY BLESS THE MARRIAGE.

[ BEEPING, WHIRRING ] OH, MY GOODNESS.

THREE CAMPERS GONE MISSING AT THE HEAD OF THE APP TRAIL.

Sheriff: OH, LORD, THAT'S NEAR EARLY'S PLACE.

THIS CAMPSITE MAY BE WHERE THEY CAMPED.

WELL, ANYWAY, UH, MY PANTS ARE DOWN, DENNY.

GO AHEAD AND SNAP THE PHOTO.

ONE, TWO, THREE!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] OH, MY LORD.

Sheriff: WELL, MAYBE IT SHRUNK ON THAT ONE.

IT'S COLD OUT HERE.

GIVE ME JUST A MINUTE.

LET ME WORK WITH IT.

YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, SHERIFF.

Sheriff: OH, WELL, HELL.

DELETE THAT, DENNY.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

"I LIKE TO STAB BUTTS."

THE EMPHASIS IS ALL WRONG.

Sheriff: ARE YOU SAYING THAT ASHTON KUTCHER CIRCA 2006 COULD

HAVE DONE THIS? "I'M NOT DUNN."

Sheriff: YOU THINK IT'S RONNIE DUNN FROM

BROOKS & DUNN, TRYING TO THROW US OFF THE TRAIL?

OR MAYBE IT'S KIX BROOKS, LETTING US KNOW HE'S NOT

RONNIE DUNN -- HE'S HIS OWN MAN NOW SINCE THEY'VE SPILT.

WELL, I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

HOLD UP NOW.

Sheriff: OH, RIGHT. WORK.

I THINK I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP.

THEY SAY SHE TALKS TO THE DEAD.

AND BY "THEY," I MEAN...

THAT BILLBOARD OVER THERE.

[ ANIMAL HOWLS ] Granny: YOU NOW STAND ON THE

VERY SPOT OF THE GREAT AVALANCHE OF '18 AND '72!

THIS HERE OFF-BRAND VCR MACHINE IS ALL THAT REMAINS OF THE GOLD

PROSPECTOR BY THE NAME OF JOHN...

TRACKING.

IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE, YOU CAN HEAR HIS GHOSTLY CRIES.

Rusty: WHOOOOO!

Granny: BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE HIM, BECAUSE IT WAS DECIDED

THAT THE BEDSHEETS WEREN'T WORKIN' IN THE RUN-THROUGH.

Rusty: BUT I ALREADY CUT THE HOLES.

Granny: I TOLD YOU JUST FOLD IT UNDER AND RETURN IT!

Early: THEY DON'T GIVE YOU NO RECEIPT WHEN YOU SHOPLIFT!

Granny: DAMN IT, I SAID THE BEDSHEETS DON'T WORK!

FEEL LIKE A [HOOT] BROKEN RECORD.

Sheriff: ALL RIGHT, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

THIS WOMAN CAN TALK TO THE DEAD.

GRANNY, I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT THIS SWEATER AND SEE IF YOU GET

ANY VIBES OFF OF IT.

Granny: MM.

OOOH.

IT'S A LITTLE LAST-YEAR, BUT STILL -- STILL, APPLE CIDER

VINEGAR WILL TAKE THESE BLOOD STAINS RIGHT OUT.

Early: YOU RECKON THIS WAS OWNED BY ONE THEM COLLEGE

CAMPERS WHAT GOT THEY BUTTS CUT OFF?

Sheriff: HE CUT THEIR BUTTS OFF?

Granny: WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED NOW?

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

WE AIN'T RELEASED THAT INFORMATION.

Early: EDUCATED GUESS.

IT'S WHAT I'D DO IF I WAS A CRAZY KILLER LAST NIGHT.

WELL, I RECKON I'LL JUST GO ON BACK TO CURING THIS HERE WEIRD,

MYSTERIFIED MEAT.

Sheriff: EARLY, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING US WHERE YOU WERE

LAST NIGHT?

Early: JUST ON MY OWN PROPERTY, MINDING MY OWN

BUSINESS.

Rusty: NO, YOU WEREN'T HERE LAST NIGHT.

Granny: I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING YOU.

Early: WELL, MAYBE YOU OUGHT NOT BE REMEMBERIN' WHAT TALKED

ABOUT THINGS WITH YOUR MOUTH WHAT SHOULDN'T A BEEN TALKED

ABOUT UNLESS BUSINESS AIN'T YOUR BUSINESS!

BUSINESS IS CLOSED TO YOUR MOUTH, OR I'LL CLOSE IT FOREVER!

Granny: FOREVER?

Sheriff: FOREVER, EARLY?

Early: I-I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN, YOU KNOW, FOREVER.

I JUST GOIN' TO SHUT HER UP FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD.

YOU KNOW, REAL LONG TIME.

NOT -- NOT FOREVER.

Sheriff: DON'T GO TOO FAR NOW.

I WANT TO TRY SOME OF THAT JERKY YOU GOT.

Granny: OHH. OH, SHE WAS SCARED.

SHE WAS SCARED, SHERIFF!

I'M SEEIN' THROUGH THE EYES OF THE KILLER NOW.

OHH, I FEEL HIS HUNGER.

Sheriff: SO, THE KILLER STOPPED HERE?

Granny: [ Muffled ] YUP.

MMM.

THE KILLER WAS AT THIS BOOTH...

MMM.

...EATIN' ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT DELICIOUS POPCORN SHRUMP.

MMM.

HE WANTED MORE...

MORE GARLIC BREAD BUOYS.

Sheriff: MORE BREAD BUOYS, WAITRESS.

Granny: THIS IS A CRIME SCENE!

THERE'S NO WAITIN' 20 MINUTES FOR YOU TO BRING ME MY DAMN

FRIED CHEESE FLANKS!

OH, YEAH.

OHH.

SO, THE KILLER DID THIS?

Granny: I'M DOING IT.

LET'S WATCH THE BLACK GUY DO IT.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

I'M SEEING BLACK, ALL RIGHT.

OH, YEAH.

I AM SEEING BLACK.

ALL OF IT ON BLACK -- $200!

HE WAS VERY SPECIFIC.

Sheriff: GRANNY, WE CAN'T STAKE YOU FOR $200.

Granny: HUH.

KILLER'S TRACE IS GETTIN' FUZZIER.

YEAH, I SH-- I'M LOSIN' HIM.

Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.

$200 MORE CHIPS, PLEASE.

Granny: WHOO!

Sheriff: I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BUILDIN' A STRONG PROFILE ON

THIS GUY.

Granny: HEY, HONEY!

Sheriff: HE SEEMS TO BEHAVE LIKE A ELDERLY WOMAN WITH A LOT

OF DISCRETIONARY INCOME.

Granny: HERE'S A $5 CHIP FOR YOU.

WHOOPS!

NOW BEND OVER AND GET IT.

AAH! Sheriff: ARE YOU HAVING A VISION, GRANNY?

WHO DID IT?

Granny: EARLY? Early: WHAT ABOUT EARLY?

Granny: AAH!

UH, EARLY IN THE MORNIN' IS WHEN THE KILLER DID IT!

Early: IT WAS A MAN, WASN'T IT?

Granny: OH, YEAH!

Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT THERE WERE SUCKER PRINTS ON THE SCENE.

Early: WELL, HE HAD A TENTACLE, DIDN'T HE?

Granny: OH, YEAH! YEAH!

A VERY STRANGE TENTACLE HUMAN MAN.

Sheriff: ARE -- ARE YOU SEEIN' A NAME YET?

Granny: UH, THE NAME WAS...

Early: THINK HARD, BITCH.

Granny: UH, JOHN...

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

Early: LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT YOUR MAN, SHERIFF.

Sheriff: SEND OUT AN A.P.B.

ON A JOHN LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

HE'S GOT ONE TENTACLE!

WE GONNA GET THAT SUMBITCH BEFORE ANY MORE BUTTS GET CUT

OFF!

Granny: WELL, DON'T WAIT FOR ME.

I GOT A TICKET TO SEE THE YOUNGEST MANDRELL SISTER IN THE

MAGIC SHOW IN THE -- AAH!

Early: TIME TO GO!

CERTAINLY SEEMS LIKE THAT THERE JOHN LONG ISLAND ICED TEA'S ON A

RAMPAGE, AIN'T HE?

I SAID AIN'T HE?!

Granny: OH, YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT BE DONE.

I MEAN, PEOPLE CHANGE.

IT WAS PROBABLY JUST A ONE-TIME GOOF.

Early: ONE TIME WE KNOW OF.

Granny: IF HE STOPS RIGHT NOW, HE WON'T GET CAUGHT.

Early: OH, I THINK THAT JOHN LONG ISLAND ICED TEA HAS

DONE THIS MANY TIMES BEFORE AND PROBABLY WILL DO IT MANY TIMES

AGAIN.

SEEMS TO ME HE'D KILL FOR ALMOST ANY DAMN REASON.

Granny: I DON'T REMEMBER EVER TAKING THIS WAY HOME.

Early: I MEAN, IF HE'S GONNA CUT A STRANGER'S BUTT OFF, JUST

WHAT WOULD HE DO TO A FAMILY MEMBER WHO TURNED ON HIM?

Granny: WE'RE REALLY OFF THE GRID HERE, AREN'T WE?

Early: I TELL YOU WHAT, I'D SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN MYSELF.

TWO EYES IF I HAD OLD-LADY VISION.

WELL, WE HOME.

OFF TO WORK.

Granny: AT MIDNIGHT?

Early: THAT'S RIGHT!

AND DON'T YOU DARE FOLLOW ME, BITCH!

Granny: Rusty?

Rusty, get out here! Rusty: BOO!

Granny: SHUT UP, AND TAKE OFF THAT WORK UNIFORM.

WE GOT TO GET!

Rusty: I GUESS WE'RE THE GOLDENS NOW.

Granny: WHY DON'T YOU TACK A "BERG" ON THE END OF THAT?

HE REALLY STEERS CLEAR OF THE JEW FOLK.

HERE'S YOUR NEW I.D., SCHLOMO.

Rusty: NO WAY!

I'M 23?!

Granny: NOW YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BUY BEER FOR ME AND MY

TEENAGE FRIENDS.

[ LAUGHS ] MY NAME'S RICK.

MY STUPID DAD GOT STATIONED HERE.

I'M HOPING TO MAKE A SPLASH AT THE LOCAL PREPARATORY SCHOOL.

Rusty: HOW LONG WE GONNA LIVE LIKE THIS, GRANNY?

Granny: RICK. Rusty: I MEAN, RICK.

Granny: NO, DIRK.

Rusty: DIRK.

Granny: NO, RICK.

Rusty: HOW LONG?!

Granny: YOU SHOULD JUST FORGET THAT LIFE WHERE YOU COME

FROM.

WE ON THE RUN NOW.

YOU CAN'T NEVER TALK TO YOUR DADDY OR SEE HIM EVER AGAIN.

Early: WELL, AIN'T THAT A DAMN SHAME.

Granny: AAH!

HOW'D YOU FIND US?!

Early: I FIGURED I'D JUST BE FRIENDLY, YOU KNOW -- MEET THE

NEW NEIGHBORS.

Granny: OH, I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE MOVED A COUNTY OVER!

I'M SO DAMN CHEAP! Early: HERE.

I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE HOUSEWARMING PRESENT.

Granny: NO!

Early: IT'S THAT KNIFE I GOT OFF THE TV WHAT LETS YOU SAW A

DAMN METAL CAN IN TWO, THEN GINGERLY SLICE A TOMATER...

OR A BUTT, IF THAT WAS YOUR INTEREST.

[ SIREN WAILS ] Sheriff: GRANNY, YOU WAS

RIGHT!

WE BROKE THE CASE!

WE LOOKED THROUGH THE WHITE PAGES AND FOUND OUR BUTT CUTTER.

HE WAS USING AN ALIAS -- "JONATHAN" LONG ISLAND ICED TEA!

HEY!

Sheriff: CLEVER, BUT NOT CLEVER ENOUGH.

I AM A LAWYER, AND I WILL SUE YOUR ENTIRE BACK-ASS COUNTY

WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIVES!

Sheriff: TAKE A NUMBER BEHIND THAT GAY GUY WHO GOT ALL HUFFY

ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL DRINKING FOUNTAIN.

I-I TELL YOU, YOU TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THE WEIRD

PEOPLE.

WELL, ANOTHER CASE CRACKED BY THE DYNAMIC DUO.

WANT A COLD ONE?

SOMETHING JUST DON'T ADD UP HERE.

OH, YEAH, YOU THINK?

MY NAME IS JONATHAN LONG.

YOU WROTE "ISLAND ICED TEA" ON IT IN THE PHONE BOOK, WHICH, BY

THE WAY, NOT A PROPER I.D.!

Sheriff: YEAH, WELL, WE'LL SEE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR TUNE

AFTER A FEW HOURS WITH MR. RUBBER HOSE.

AAH! AAH AAH!

[ WHIMPERING ] Sheriff: UH, DON'T DRINK FROM

THAT, THOUGH.

THERE'S A CASE PENDING.

WELL, WE NEVER REALLY ACCOUNTED FOR THIS LITERATURE I

FOUND FOR THAT COMPETIN' GHOST TOUR THAT WAS SO "BUTTCENTRIC."

Sheriff: GO ON.

"HALEN'S POLTERGEIST PROMENADE."

I FOUND IT STUCK TO A BAG OF SEVERED HUMAN BUTTS WITH A

STICKY NOTE THAT SAID "FRAME EARLY CUYLER" AND A FAKE

TENTACLE COVERED IN BLOOD, WHICH SOMEHOW MATCHED THE TENTACLE

BLOOD TRACKS EXACTLY.

THEY FELL OUT OF DAN HALEN'S BACKPACK WHILE HE WAS JOGGING AT

MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT IN A TRACKSUIT MADE OF HUMAN BUTTS.

ALONG WITH ALL THESE DRAWINGS OF BUTTS.

Sheriff: MAYBE WE OUGHT TO PAY THIS MR. HALEN A VISIT.

Dan Halen: EARLY CUYLER DID IT.

IT'S A NICE SUIT.

IS THAT SUIT MADE OUT OF HUMAN BUTTS?

Dan Halen: OF COURSE IT IS.

ARE WE DONE HERE? ONE MORE QUESTION.

Sheriff: THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, MR. HALEN.

HOLD ON, NOW.

Sheriff: THAT GUY'S OUR BOSS!

BUTTS!