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[ STATIC ]
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
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00:00:05,083 --> 00:00:06,751
♪ REALLY WISH I HAD A GUN BIG
ENOUGH TO HOLD A BULLET ♪
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00:00:06,834 --> 00:00:09,584
♪ BIG ENOUGH TO GO AND SHOOT OUT
THE SUN ♪
4
00:00:09,667 --> 00:00:11,626
♪ TAKE A MINUTE, DRINK A COLA
WHILE I COOK BAKING SODA IN A
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00:00:11,709 --> 00:00:14,959
BOWL, WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN? ♪
♪ IF EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET HAD
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00:00:15,042 --> 00:00:16,626
A CAN OF AQUA NET ♪
♪ WE'D BE BETTER OFF
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00:00:16,709 --> 00:00:18,542
♪ BIG BANGS, HICK THINGS,
CHICKEN WINGS, SNAPPING TURTLE
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00:00:18,626 --> 00:00:20,500
TIED TO MY PORCH AND I NEVER
LET HER OFF ♪
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00:00:20,584 --> 00:00:22,459
♪ YOU GOT THAT DEAL, PICKLE?
♪ YOU FEELIN' FICKLE?
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00:00:22,542 --> 00:00:24,459
♪ A CUP OF MOONSHINE MAKE YOU
WANT TO HICCU-HICCUP ♪
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00:00:24,542 --> 00:00:26,334
♪ TRAILER PARKS COLD,
JUNKYARDS ICICLES ♪
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♪ JUMPING OVER BARBED WIRE NAKED
DON'T TICKLE ♪
Rusty: MY TURN.
13
00:00:28,375 --> 00:00:29,125
Early: HELL NO.
14
00:00:29,209 --> 00:00:32,167
Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE
THAT THING!
15
00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:33,626
Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!
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00:00:33,709 --> 00:00:36,459
Sheriff: I TOLD YOU, DENNY,
SHE'S UKRAINIAN.
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00:00:36,542 --> 00:00:38,125
WE'VE BEEN DATING, SORT OF.
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00:00:38,209 --> 00:00:39,834
O-OVER E-MAIL, YOU KNOW.
19
00:00:39,918 --> 00:00:41,000
LOOK, I JUST NEED TO SEND HER A
PICTURE.
20
00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:44,667
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S
GOT TO BE OF YOUR, UH, TROUSER
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00:00:44,751 --> 00:00:45,834
TROOPER.
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00:00:45,918 --> 00:00:48,667
Sheriff: WELL, IT'S PART OF
THEIR CULTURE IN UKRANIA.
23
00:00:48,751 --> 00:00:51,459
YOU SEND A PICTURE OF YOUR
PENIS, AND SHE SHOWS IT TO HER
24
00:00:51,542 --> 00:00:53,584
PARENTS, AND THEN THEY BLESS
THE MARRIAGE.
25
00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:57,334
[ BEEPING, WHIRRING ]
OH, MY GOODNESS.
26
00:00:57,417 --> 00:01:01,167
THREE CAMPERS GONE MISSING AT
THE HEAD OF THE APP TRAIL.
27
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:04,959
Sheriff: OH, LORD, THAT'S
NEAR EARLY'S PLACE.
28
00:01:05,042 --> 00:01:08,500
THIS CAMPSITE MAY BE WHERE THEY
CAMPED.
29
00:01:08,584 --> 00:01:11,334
WELL, ANYWAY, UH, MY PANTS ARE
DOWN, DENNY.
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00:01:11,417 --> 00:01:13,000
GO AHEAD AND SNAP THE PHOTO.
31
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,876
ONE, TWO, THREE!
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00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:17,834
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
OH, MY LORD.
33
00:01:17,918 --> 00:01:20,125
Sheriff: WELL, MAYBE IT
SHRUNK ON THAT ONE.
34
00:01:20,209 --> 00:01:21,042
IT'S COLD OUT HERE.
35
00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:22,083
GIVE ME JUST A MINUTE.
36
00:01:22,167 --> 00:01:23,000
LET ME WORK WITH IT.
37
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:29,500
YOU BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT
THIS, SHERIFF.
38
00:01:29,584 --> 00:01:31,375
Sheriff: OH, WELL, HELL.
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00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,667
DELETE THAT, DENNY.
40
00:01:32,751 --> 00:01:34,209
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
41
00:01:34,292 --> 00:01:35,209
LOOK AT THIS.
42
00:01:35,292 --> 00:01:37,584
"I LIKE TO STAB BUTTS."
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00:01:37,667 --> 00:01:39,542
THE EMPHASIS IS ALL WRONG.
44
00:01:39,626 --> 00:01:44,209
Sheriff: ARE YOU SAYING THAT
ASHTON KUTCHER CIRCA 2006 COULD
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00:01:44,292 --> 00:01:45,167
HAVE DONE THIS?
"I'M NOT DUNN."
46
00:01:46,125 --> 00:01:49,209
Sheriff: YOU THINK IT'S
RONNIE DUNN FROM
47
00:01:49,292 --> 00:01:51,876
BROOKS & DUNN, TRYING TO THROW
US OFF THE TRAIL?
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00:01:51,959 --> 00:01:55,042
OR MAYBE IT'S KIX BROOKS,
LETTING US KNOW HE'S NOT
49
00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:59,083
RONNIE DUNN -- HE'S HIS OWN MAN
NOW SINCE THEY'VE SPILT.
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00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:00,250
WELL, I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
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00:02:00,334 --> 00:02:02,459
HOLD UP NOW.
52
00:02:02,542 --> 00:02:03,209
Sheriff: OH, RIGHT.
WORK.
53
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:07,417
I THINK I KNOW SOMEONE WHO
CAN HELP.
54
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:09,459
THEY SAY SHE TALKS TO THE DEAD.
55
00:02:09,542 --> 00:02:11,417
AND BY "THEY," I MEAN...
56
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,417
THAT BILLBOARD OVER THERE.
57
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:19,334
[ ANIMAL HOWLS ]
Granny: YOU NOW STAND ON THE
58
00:02:19,417 --> 00:02:24,250
VERY SPOT OF THE GREAT AVALANCHE
OF '18 AND '72!
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00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:31,417
THIS HERE OFF-BRAND VCR MACHINE
IS ALL THAT REMAINS OF THE GOLD
60
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:35,083
PROSPECTOR BY THE NAME OF
JOHN...
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00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:37,083
TRACKING.
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00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:42,083
IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE, YOU CAN
HEAR HIS GHOSTLY CRIES.
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00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:43,250
Rusty: WHOOOOO!
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00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:47,250
Granny: BUT YOU WILL NEVER
SEE HIM, BECAUSE IT WAS DECIDED
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00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,959
THAT THE BEDSHEETS WEREN'T
WORKIN' IN THE RUN-THROUGH.
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00:02:50,042 --> 00:02:53,292
Rusty: BUT I ALREADY CUT THE
HOLES.
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00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:56,417
Granny: I TOLD YOU JUST FOLD
IT UNDER AND RETURN IT!
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00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,209
Early: THEY DON'T GIVE YOU NO
RECEIPT WHEN YOU SHOPLIFT!
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00:02:58,292 --> 00:03:00,792
Granny: DAMN IT, I SAID THE
BEDSHEETS DON'T WORK!
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00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:04,209
FEEL LIKE A [HOOT] BROKEN
RECORD.
71
00:03:04,292 --> 00:03:06,125
Sheriff: ALL RIGHT, I'VE SEEN
ENOUGH.
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00:03:06,209 --> 00:03:08,334
THIS WOMAN CAN TALK TO THE DEAD.
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00:03:08,417 --> 00:03:10,500
GRANNY, I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT
THIS SWEATER AND SEE IF YOU GET
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00:03:10,584 --> 00:03:12,417
ANY VIBES OFF OF IT.
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00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:15,417
Granny: MM.
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00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,042
OOOH.
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00:03:17,125 --> 00:03:21,167
IT'S A LITTLE LAST-YEAR, BUT
STILL -- STILL, APPLE CIDER
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00:03:21,250 --> 00:03:23,083
VINEGAR WILL TAKE THESE BLOOD
STAINS RIGHT OUT.
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00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:25,292
Early: YOU RECKON THIS WAS
OWNED BY ONE THEM COLLEGE
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00:03:25,375 --> 00:03:26,083
CAMPERS WHAT GOT THEY BUTTS CUT
OFF?
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00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:28,626
Sheriff: HE CUT THEIR BUTTS
OFF?
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00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,709
Granny: WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED
NOW?
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00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:30,459
HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
84
00:03:30,542 --> 00:03:31,667
WE AIN'T RELEASED THAT
INFORMATION.
85
00:03:31,751 --> 00:03:32,709
Early: EDUCATED GUESS.
86
00:03:32,792 --> 00:03:36,500
IT'S WHAT I'D DO IF I WAS A
CRAZY KILLER LAST NIGHT.
87
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:39,459
WELL, I RECKON I'LL JUST GO ON
BACK TO CURING THIS HERE WEIRD,
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00:03:39,542 --> 00:03:40,626
MYSTERIFIED MEAT.
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00:03:40,709 --> 00:03:44,125
Sheriff: EARLY, WOULD YOU
MIND TELLING US WHERE YOU WERE
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00:03:44,209 --> 00:03:45,125
LAST NIGHT?
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00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:46,334
Early: JUST ON MY OWN
PROPERTY, MINDING MY OWN
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00:03:46,417 --> 00:03:47,250
BUSINESS.
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00:03:47,334 --> 00:03:48,667
Rusty: NO, YOU WEREN'T HERE
LAST NIGHT.
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00:03:48,751 --> 00:03:50,042
Granny: I DON'T REMEMBER
SEEING YOU.
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00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:52,834
Early: WELL, MAYBE YOU OUGHT
NOT BE REMEMBERIN' WHAT TALKED
96
00:03:52,918 --> 00:03:55,125
ABOUT THINGS WITH YOUR MOUTH
WHAT SHOULDN'T A BEEN TALKED
97
00:03:55,209 --> 00:03:56,292
ABOUT UNLESS BUSINESS AIN'T
YOUR BUSINESS!
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00:03:56,375 --> 00:04:00,709
BUSINESS IS CLOSED TO YOUR
MOUTH, OR I'LL CLOSE IT FOREVER!
99
00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:01,626
Granny: FOREVER?
100
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:05,292
Sheriff: FOREVER, EARLY?
101
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:08,167
Early: I-I DIDN'T REALLY
MEAN, YOU KNOW, FOREVER.
102
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:11,834
I JUST GOIN' TO SHUT HER UP FOR
AN EXTENDED PERIOD.
103
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,751
YOU KNOW, REAL LONG TIME.
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00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:14,500
NOT -- NOT FOREVER.
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00:04:14,584 --> 00:04:16,500
Sheriff: DON'T GO TOO FAR
NOW.
106
00:04:16,584 --> 00:04:19,375
I WANT TO TRY SOME OF THAT JERKY
YOU GOT.
107
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:19,876
Granny: OHH.
OH, SHE WAS SCARED.
108
00:04:20,751 --> 00:04:23,542
SHE WAS SCARED, SHERIFF!
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00:04:23,626 --> 00:04:25,667
I'M SEEIN' THROUGH THE EYES OF
THE KILLER NOW.
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00:04:25,751 --> 00:04:30,459
OHH, I FEEL HIS HUNGER.
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00:04:30,542 --> 00:04:32,709
Sheriff: SO, THE KILLER
STOPPED HERE?
112
00:04:32,792 --> 00:04:34,584
Granny: [ Muffled ] YUP.
113
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:35,292
MMM.
114
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,834
THE KILLER WAS AT THIS BOOTH...
115
00:04:37,918 --> 00:04:39,000
MMM.
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00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:42,626
...EATIN' ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
DELICIOUS POPCORN SHRUMP.
117
00:04:42,709 --> 00:04:43,709
MMM.
118
00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:46,375
HE WANTED MORE...
119
00:04:46,459 --> 00:04:47,709
MORE GARLIC BREAD BUOYS.
120
00:04:47,792 --> 00:04:49,626
Sheriff: MORE BREAD BUOYS,
WAITRESS.
121
00:04:49,709 --> 00:04:50,792
Granny: THIS IS A CRIME
SCENE!
122
00:04:50,876 --> 00:04:52,542
THERE'S NO WAITIN' 20 MINUTES
FOR YOU TO BRING ME MY DAMN
123
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,459
FRIED CHEESE FLANKS!
124
00:04:54,542 --> 00:04:57,584
OH, YEAH.
125
00:04:57,667 --> 00:05:00,584
OHH.
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00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,209
SO, THE KILLER DID THIS?
127
00:05:02,292 --> 00:05:03,167
Granny: I'M DOING IT.
128
00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:05,292
LET'S WATCH THE BLACK GUY DO IT.
129
00:05:05,375 --> 00:05:06,792
OH, MY GOODNESS.
130
00:05:06,876 --> 00:05:09,834
I'M SEEING BLACK, ALL RIGHT.
131
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:11,292
OH, YEAH.
132
00:05:11,375 --> 00:05:14,417
I AM SEEING BLACK.
133
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,709
ALL OF IT ON BLACK -- $200!
134
00:05:16,792 --> 00:05:18,375
HE WAS VERY SPECIFIC.
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00:05:18,459 --> 00:05:21,584
Sheriff: GRANNY, WE CAN'T
STAKE YOU FOR $200.
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00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:22,375
Granny: HUH.
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00:05:22,459 --> 00:05:26,667
KILLER'S TRACE IS GETTIN'
FUZZIER.
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00:05:26,751 --> 00:05:29,292
YEAH, I SH-- I'M LOSIN' HIM.
139
00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:31,167
Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.
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00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:32,792
$200 MORE CHIPS, PLEASE.
141
00:05:32,876 --> 00:05:33,918
Granny: WHOO!
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00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,667
Sheriff: I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
BUILDIN' A STRONG PROFILE ON
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00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:36,167
THIS GUY.
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00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:37,417
Granny: HEY, HONEY!
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00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,792
Sheriff: HE SEEMS TO BEHAVE
LIKE A ELDERLY WOMAN WITH A LOT
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00:05:40,876 --> 00:05:43,209
OF DISCRETIONARY INCOME.
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00:05:43,292 --> 00:05:46,459
Granny: HERE'S A $5 CHIP FOR
YOU.
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00:05:46,542 --> 00:05:48,250
WHOOPS!
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00:05:48,334 --> 00:05:50,709
NOW BEND OVER AND GET IT.
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00:05:50,792 --> 00:05:51,626
AAH!
Sheriff: ARE YOU HAVING A
VISION, GRANNY?
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00:05:52,584 --> 00:05:53,959
WHO DID IT?
152
00:05:54,042 --> 00:05:54,834
Granny: EARLY?
Early: WHAT ABOUT EARLY?
153
00:05:55,584 --> 00:05:57,459
Granny: AAH!
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00:05:57,542 --> 00:05:59,042
UH, EARLY IN THE MORNIN' IS
WHEN THE KILLER DID IT!
155
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:00,584
Early: IT WAS A MAN,
WASN'T IT?
156
00:06:00,667 --> 00:06:02,459
Granny: OH, YEAH!
157
00:06:02,542 --> 00:06:03,375
Early: THAT'S RIGHT.
158
00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:05,292
BUT THERE WERE SUCKER PRINTS
ON THE SCENE.
159
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:06,709
Early: WELL, HE HAD A
TENTACLE, DIDN'T HE?
160
00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:07,459
Granny: OH, YEAH! YEAH!
161
00:06:07,542 --> 00:06:11,125
A VERY STRANGE TENTACLE HUMAN
MAN.
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00:06:11,209 --> 00:06:13,542
Sheriff: ARE -- ARE YOU
SEEIN' A NAME YET?
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00:06:13,626 --> 00:06:14,792
Granny: UH, THE NAME WAS...
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00:06:14,876 --> 00:06:16,584
Early: THINK HARD, BITCH.
165
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,709
Granny: UH, JOHN...
166
00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:21,000
LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.
167
00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:22,918
Early: LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
YOUR MAN, SHERIFF.
168
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,459
Sheriff: SEND OUT AN A.P.B.
169
00:06:24,542 --> 00:06:26,626
ON A JOHN LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.
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00:06:26,709 --> 00:06:27,751
HE'S GOT ONE TENTACLE!
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00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:30,751
WE GONNA GET THAT SUMBITCH
BEFORE ANY MORE BUTTS GET CUT
172
00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:32,334
OFF!
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00:06:32,417 --> 00:06:33,918
Granny: WELL, DON'T WAIT FOR
ME.
174
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,709
I GOT A TICKET TO SEE THE
YOUNGEST MANDRELL SISTER IN THE
175
00:06:36,792 --> 00:06:38,417
MAGIC SHOW IN THE -- AAH!
176
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:39,667
Early: TIME TO GO!
177
00:06:39,751 --> 00:06:45,500
CERTAINLY SEEMS LIKE THAT THERE
JOHN LONG ISLAND ICED TEA'S ON A
178
00:06:45,584 --> 00:06:47,667
RAMPAGE, AIN'T HE?
179
00:06:47,751 --> 00:06:48,500
I SAID AIN'T HE?!
180
00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:50,709
Granny: OH, YOU KNOW, HE
MIGHT BE DONE.
181
00:06:50,792 --> 00:06:54,417
I MEAN, PEOPLE CHANGE.
182
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:57,626
IT WAS PROBABLY JUST A ONE-TIME
GOOF.
183
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,375
Early: ONE TIME WE KNOW OF.
184
00:06:59,459 --> 00:07:02,751
Granny: IF HE STOPS RIGHT
NOW, HE WON'T GET CAUGHT.
185
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:05,417
Early: OH, I THINK THAT
JOHN LONG ISLAND ICED TEA HAS
186
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:09,709
DONE THIS MANY TIMES BEFORE AND
PROBABLY WILL DO IT MANY TIMES
187
00:07:09,792 --> 00:07:10,709
AGAIN.
188
00:07:10,792 --> 00:07:13,417
SEEMS TO ME HE'D KILL FOR ALMOST
ANY DAMN REASON.
189
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:17,042
Granny: I DON'T REMEMBER EVER
TAKING THIS WAY HOME.
190
00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:20,584
Early: I MEAN, IF HE'S GONNA
CUT A STRANGER'S BUTT OFF, JUST
191
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:23,709
WHAT WOULD HE DO TO A FAMILY
MEMBER WHO TURNED ON HIM?
192
00:07:23,792 --> 00:07:26,959
Granny: WE'RE REALLY OFF THE
GRID HERE, AREN'T WE?
193
00:07:27,042 --> 00:07:30,709
Early: I TELL YOU WHAT, I'D
SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN MYSELF.
194
00:07:30,792 --> 00:07:35,334
TWO EYES IF I HAD OLD-LADY
VISION.
195
00:07:35,417 --> 00:07:36,375
WELL, WE HOME.
196
00:07:36,459 --> 00:07:37,334
OFF TO WORK.
197
00:07:37,417 --> 00:07:38,459
Granny: AT MIDNIGHT?
198
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,292
Early: THAT'S RIGHT!
199
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,709
AND DON'T YOU DARE FOLLOW ME,
BITCH!
200
00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:43,334
Granny: Rusty?
201
00:07:43,417 --> 00:07:44,083
Rusty, get out here!
Rusty: BOO!
202
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,667
Granny: SHUT UP, AND TAKE OFF
THAT WORK UNIFORM.
203
00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:49,542
WE GOT TO GET!
204
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:02,792
Rusty: I GUESS WE'RE THE
GOLDENS NOW.
205
00:08:02,876 --> 00:08:05,375
Granny: WHY DON'T YOU TACK A
"BERG" ON THE END OF THAT?
206
00:08:05,459 --> 00:08:06,918
HE REALLY STEERS CLEAR OF THE
JEW FOLK.
207
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,876
HERE'S YOUR NEW I.D., SCHLOMO.
208
00:08:09,959 --> 00:08:11,417
Rusty: NO WAY!
209
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:12,584
I'M 23?!
210
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:15,542
Granny: NOW YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH
TO BUY BEER FOR ME AND MY
211
00:08:15,626 --> 00:08:16,125
TEENAGE FRIENDS.
212
00:08:16,209 --> 00:08:17,918
[ LAUGHS ]
MY NAME'S RICK.
213
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,417
MY STUPID DAD GOT STATIONED
HERE.
214
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,459
I'M HOPING TO MAKE A SPLASH AT
THE LOCAL PREPARATORY SCHOOL.
215
00:08:24,542 --> 00:08:26,751
Rusty: HOW LONG WE GONNA LIVE
LIKE THIS, GRANNY?
216
00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:27,751
Granny: RICK.
Rusty: I MEAN, RICK.
217
00:08:28,334 --> 00:08:28,792
Granny: NO, DIRK.
218
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,626
Rusty: DIRK.
219
00:08:30,709 --> 00:08:31,459
Granny: NO, RICK.
220
00:08:31,542 --> 00:08:32,626
Rusty: HOW LONG?!
221
00:08:32,709 --> 00:08:34,792
Granny: YOU SHOULD JUST
FORGET THAT LIFE WHERE YOU COME
222
00:08:34,876 --> 00:08:35,292
FROM.
223
00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:36,417
WE ON THE RUN NOW.
224
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:39,500
YOU CAN'T NEVER TALK TO YOUR
DADDY OR SEE HIM EVER AGAIN.
225
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:41,792
Early: WELL, AIN'T THAT A
DAMN SHAME.
226
00:08:41,876 --> 00:08:42,792
Granny: AAH!
227
00:08:42,876 --> 00:08:44,167
HOW'D YOU FIND US?!
228
00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:47,584
Early: I FIGURED I'D JUST BE
FRIENDLY, YOU KNOW -- MEET THE
229
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:48,709
NEW NEIGHBORS.
230
00:08:48,792 --> 00:08:52,000
Granny: OH, I KNEW WE SHOULD
HAVE MOVED A COUNTY OVER!
231
00:08:52,083 --> 00:08:52,959
I'M SO DAMN CHEAP!
Early: HERE.
232
00:08:53,918 --> 00:08:55,751
I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE
HOUSEWARMING PRESENT.
233
00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:56,959
Granny: NO!
234
00:08:57,042 --> 00:08:59,167
Early: IT'S THAT KNIFE I GOT
OFF THE TV WHAT LETS YOU SAW A
235
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:03,375
DAMN METAL CAN IN TWO, THEN
GINGERLY SLICE A TOMATER...
236
00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:05,500
OR A BUTT, IF THAT WAS YOUR
INTEREST.
237
00:09:05,584 --> 00:09:07,876
[ SIREN WAILS ]
Sheriff: GRANNY, YOU WAS
238
00:09:07,959 --> 00:09:08,334
RIGHT!
239
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:09,542
WE BROKE THE CASE!
240
00:09:09,626 --> 00:09:12,667
WE LOOKED THROUGH THE WHITE
PAGES AND FOUND OUR BUTT CUTTER.
241
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:15,792
HE WAS USING AN ALIAS --
"JONATHAN" LONG ISLAND ICED TEA!
242
00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:16,667
HEY!
243
00:09:16,751 --> 00:09:18,542
Sheriff: CLEVER, BUT NOT
CLEVER ENOUGH.
244
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:22,709
I AM A LAWYER, AND I WILL SUE
YOUR ENTIRE BACK-ASS COUNTY
245
00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:24,167
WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIVES!
246
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:27,751
Sheriff: TAKE A NUMBER BEHIND
THAT GAY GUY WHO GOT ALL HUFFY
247
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:30,000
ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL DRINKING
FOUNTAIN.
248
00:09:30,083 --> 00:09:33,125
I-I TELL YOU, YOU TRY TO DO
SOMETHING NICE FOR THE WEIRD
249
00:09:33,209 --> 00:09:34,834
PEOPLE.
250
00:09:34,918 --> 00:09:39,709
WELL, ANOTHER CASE CRACKED BY
THE DYNAMIC DUO.
251
00:09:39,792 --> 00:09:40,500
WANT A COLD ONE?
252
00:09:40,584 --> 00:09:41,876
SOMETHING JUST DON'T ADD UP
HERE.
253
00:09:41,959 --> 00:09:43,083
OH, YEAH, YOU THINK?
254
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:46,042
MY NAME IS JONATHAN LONG.
255
00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:48,876
YOU WROTE "ISLAND ICED TEA" ON
IT IN THE PHONE BOOK, WHICH, BY
256
00:09:48,959 --> 00:09:50,042
THE WAY, NOT A PROPER I.D.!
257
00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:52,626
Sheriff: YEAH, WELL, WE'LL
SEE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR TUNE
258
00:09:52,709 --> 00:09:55,042
AFTER A FEW HOURS WITH
MR. RUBBER HOSE.
259
00:09:55,125 --> 00:09:56,709
AAH! AAH AAH!
260
00:09:56,792 --> 00:09:58,834
[ WHIMPERING ]
Sheriff: UH, DON'T DRINK FROM
261
00:09:58,918 --> 00:10:00,500
THAT, THOUGH.
262
00:10:00,584 --> 00:10:01,626
THERE'S A CASE PENDING.
263
00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:05,042
WELL, WE NEVER REALLY
ACCOUNTED FOR THIS LITERATURE I
264
00:10:05,125 --> 00:10:09,584
FOUND FOR THAT COMPETIN' GHOST
TOUR THAT WAS SO "BUTTCENTRIC."
265
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,042
Sheriff: GO ON.
266
00:10:11,125 --> 00:10:13,626
"HALEN'S POLTERGEIST
PROMENADE."
267
00:10:13,709 --> 00:10:18,000
I FOUND IT STUCK TO A BAG OF
SEVERED HUMAN BUTTS WITH A
268
00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:21,542
STICKY NOTE THAT SAID "FRAME
EARLY CUYLER" AND A FAKE
269
00:10:21,626 --> 00:10:25,167
TENTACLE COVERED IN BLOOD, WHICH
SOMEHOW MATCHED THE TENTACLE
270
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,417
BLOOD TRACKS EXACTLY.
271
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:30,709
THEY FELL OUT OF DAN HALEN'S
BACKPACK WHILE HE WAS JOGGING AT
272
00:10:30,792 --> 00:10:34,292
MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT IN A
TRACKSUIT MADE OF HUMAN BUTTS.
273
00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:38,292
ALONG WITH ALL THESE DRAWINGS
OF BUTTS.
274
00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:41,292
Sheriff: MAYBE WE OUGHT TO
PAY THIS MR. HALEN A VISIT.
275
00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:43,918
Dan Halen: EARLY CUYLER DID
IT.
276
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,000
IT'S A NICE SUIT.
277
00:10:46,083 --> 00:10:47,500
IS THAT SUIT MADE OUT OF HUMAN
BUTTS?
278
00:10:47,584 --> 00:10:48,667
Dan Halen: OF COURSE IT IS.
279
00:10:48,751 --> 00:10:49,542
ARE WE DONE HERE?
ONE MORE QUESTION.
280
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:51,918
Sheriff: THANK YOU FOR
YOUR TIME, MR. HALEN.
281
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,584
HOLD ON, NOW.
282
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:56,083
Sheriff: THAT GUY'S OUR BOSS!
283
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:18,751
BUTTS!
21042
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