Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

Rusty: MY TURN. Early: HELL NO.

Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

Announcer: LAST TIME ON "SQUIDBILLIES"...

Rusty: WELL, THAT'S TAMMI.

SHE'S THE NEW WOMAN IN MY LIFE.

Early: YOU SURE GOT YOU A PURTY ONE -- BIG 'OL WIDE,

BIRTHIN' HIPS.

Rusty: I CAN'T BE IN THIS HOUSE NO MORE!

AW, COME ON IN HERE, DARLIN'.

YOU CAN STAY WITH ME.

Rusty: PREGNANT?!

WELL, WHERE IS SHE?

Early: WHOO!

YOU GET YOUR NASTY HANDS OFF ME!

Early: SHE RUN OFF TO BE WITH HER MAMA.

HEY, RANDY.

Rusty: UH-OH.

Early: I'LL KILL YOU, BITCH!

[ GUNSHOT ] Announcer: AND NOW THE

THRILLING CONCLUSION.

OH, I FEEL HIM KICKIN'.

HE'S DOIN' A LITTLE BOOT-SCOOT BOOGIE IN THERE.

Rusty: YEAH, HE'S LOVIN' THIS BABY ALLAN COE.

THIS TRACK'S CALLED "FUCKING IN THE BUTT."

DO WHAT?!

I'M SORRY, RUSTY, BUT I DON'T THINK OUR UNBORN CHILD NEEDS TO

BE EXPOSED TO THIS.

Rusty: BUT THE LANGUAGE CENTER OF HIS BRAIN'S GROWIN'.

IF HE DON'T LEARN THE F-WORD NOW, HE'LL FALL BEHIND HIS PEER

GROUP AND HE MAY NEVER CATCH UP.

CATCH UP TO WHO, EXACTLY?

Rusty: YOU KNOW -- GRANNY, LIL, ALL HIS TEACHERS GONNA BE

DROPIN' F-BOMBS.

YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO GET TEASED AT HOMESCHOOL, DO YOU?

OH, RUSTY.

WE DISAGREE ON SO MUCH, AND THIS BABY AIN'T EVEN BORN YET.

Rusty: WELL, DON'T GO CRAZY OR NOTHIN', BUT I SHOULD TELL

YOU THAT, UH, THAT DADDY'S GETTIN' OUT OF THE COOLER IN A

FEW DAYS.

NO!

Rusty: HE SURE WOULD LIKE -- NO!

Rusty: AW, COME ON, HONEY.

HE JUST WANTS TO SEE HIS GRANDBABY.

NO, NO, NO.

WE AIN'T EVER GONNA ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR DADDY AGAIN, RUSTY.

NOW, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. Rusty: AW, HERE COME THE HORMONES.

THIS AIN'T HORMONES, RUSTY!

HE SHOT ME -- IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!

Rusty: AW, HE'S JUST SOWIN' SOME WILD OATS 'FORE HE'S GOTTA

SETTLE DOWN AND BE A GRANDADDY.

RUSTY, HONEY, HE CARVED A LOVE NOTE TO ME IN THE SIDE OF A

LIVE GERMAN SHEPHERD.

Rusty: LOOK, I KNOW ALL THAT.

BUT HE'S CHANGED, THOUGH.

HE'S A DIFFERENT MAN.

HE AIN'T TOUCHED A DRINK IN EIGHT MONTHS.

Early: [ SLURPS ] BEST BATCH OF THE WHOLE EIGHT

MONTHS. Sheriff: MMM.

BUTTERY HIGH NOTES, AND...

I THINK I DETECT SOME PEPPER IN THE FINISH.

THAT'S A REAL NICE VINTAGE, IF YOU CAN SOMEHOW BLOCK OUT WHERE

IT CAME FROM.

Early: IT'S A TOILET, SHERIFF.

GET OVER IT.

[ SLURPING ] Sheriff: LISTEN, EARLY,

RUSTY'S COME A LONG WAY IN THESE EIGHT MONTHS WITH THIS LITTLE

GAL, AND I-I'D JUST HATE TO SEE YOU RUN OUT OF HERE AND CAUSE

TROUBLE FOR 'EM.

Early: SHERIFF, THAT'S THE MAMA OF MY GRANDBABY.

I'M COMPLETELY DONE WITH THAT BITCH.

SHE'S HOLLER INSIDE.

HELL, SHE'S LIKE A DAMN CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY WITH NO

NOUGAT. NO NOUGAT!

Sheriff: WELL, SUPER.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE MOVED ON.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

GLENN'S WIFE IS OUT THERE LOOKIN' FINE --

Sheriff: NO, NOT GLENN'S WIFE.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, YOU KNOW, SINGLE FISH -- ONES WITHOUT

RESTRAININ' ORDERS.

Early: YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL THEM DAMN WOMENS CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT TO!

AND SO CAN I!

YOU HEAR ME?! SO CAN I!

Sheriff: ALL RIGHT, BIG GUY.

YOU GO OUT THERE AND BREAK SOME HEARTS.

[ MONITOR BEEPING ] OH, THERE HE IS.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, BABY.

Rusty: YEAH, BUT WHERE ARE THE OT FOUR ARMS AND LEGS?

DON'T LOOK LIKE HE'S GOT 'EM.

U-USUALLY, UH, PEOPLE DON'T, UH, WANT THOSE.

Rusty: WELL, I DO. I MEAN, I'M A SQUID, AND HE'S MY SON.

AIN'T HE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE ME?

RUSTY, HONEY, I'M SURE HE'LL HAVE YOUR...

YOUR, UM...

YOUR...

Rusty: HE GONNA GET MY RATTAIL?

CHECK THIS OUT -- I GOT ME A RATTAIL.

I'M SURE HE'LL HAVE SOME OF YOUR...ODDS AND ENDS.

Rusty: TALK ABOUT MORE BADASS STUFF -- HOW BADASS I AM, HOW

BADASS HE'S GONNA GET FROM ME.

FEEL THIS MUSCLE.

BA-BAM!

OH, LORD.

[ BEEPING QUICKENS ] HALLOWEEN.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] OKAY, THEN.

WE'VE GOT, UH, TWO ULTRASOUNDS.

UH, WE GOT, UH...

ARE YOU COUNTIN' THE ONE YOU JUST DID ON MY FACE?

'CAUSE, UH, WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THAT.

WELL, MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD'VE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE I DID IT.

WHAT AM I, A MIND READER?

I DON'T KNOW IF I AM.

HOLD ON. MAYBE I AM. HOLD ON.

[ BEEPING ] NOPE. NOT A MIND READER.

SO, THAT'S THREE ULTRASOUNDS...

HANG ON. STOP, STOP.

HOW MUCH IF WE JUST STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW?

LET'S CALL IT, UH, $4,800?

CASH OR VOUCHERS?

Rusty: WELL, I WAS THINKIN', MAYBE YOU GOT SOME WORK AROUND

HERE THAT NEEDS DOIN'?

M-MAYBE I COULD TRADE YOU ONE OF MY HOGS OR --

[ LAUGHS ] NOT UNLESS YOU HAVE A HOG WORTH

$4,800.

DO YOU?

LET'S GET YOU HOME, AND THEN YOU CAN START LAYING SOME OF THOSE

GOLDEN EGGS. WHOO-HOO-HOO!

RUSTY, YOU'RE LUCKY HE'S DUMB.

WE'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO PAY ALL OUR BILLS WITH HOGS.

Rusty: YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.

I GOT A CAREER PATH ALL LAID OUT.

OH, GOOD.

YOU GOT THAT JOB AT THE BALLMART DELI.

Rusty: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, UM, I THOUGHT I'D TRAIN

STEEL CAGE FIGHTIN' FOR A FEW YEARS.

BUILD UP MY CORE MUSCLES, THEN WE SCHEDULE A PAY-PER-VIEW TITLE

FIGHT AND WIN, AND THEN I'M RICH.

THE MONEY'S KICK-ASS, AND I DON'T HAVE TO CUT MY RATTAIL OFF

AND SELL OUT.

BABY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

BUT JUST IN CASE, DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A MORE

REALISTIC BACKUP PLAN?

Rusty: YOU MEAN LIKE RECORDIN' A RAP ALBUM AND

DEVELOPIN' MY BRAND?

[ Rapping ] ♪ DROPPIN' DOPE BEATS WHILE I'M SLICIN' THIN

MEATS ♪ OH, DAMN, HERE'S YOUR BLACK

FOREST HAM ♪ I TOLD YOU PROSCIUTTO.

Rusty: YOU CALLIN' FOR PROSCIUTTO?

THAT AIN'T NO EASY WORD FOR ME TO...RHYME, YO.

YEAH, I'M GONNA COMPLAIN.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] Rusty: HAVE A GREAT DAY THE

BALLMART WAY. DELI DEPARTMENT MEAT WHEEL.

Rusty?

Ow!

[ Panting ] I THINK IT'S TIME.

I THINK MY WATER BROKE. Rusty: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

THAT WOMAN AT THE BREATHIN' CLASS SAID IT'S TIME TO GO TO

THE HOSPITAL NOW! STAY THERE.

I'M COMIN' RIGHT OVER.

Dan Halen: YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE!

I WANT YOU STRETCHING OUT THIS GERMAN POTATO SALAD WITH THIS

SAWDUST. HIDE IT IN THE MAYO!

Rusty: AW, MAN.

SOMETHIN' CAME UP AT WORK, HONEY.

BUT, RUSTY, I NEED SOMEBODY TO DRIVE ME TO THE HOSPITAL

RIGHT NOW!

Rusty: JUST REMEMBER, IF THE BABY DROPS BEFORE I GET THERE,

WE'RE GOIN' WITH "EVANDER THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD CUYLER,"

RIGHT?

WE'RE STILL GOOD WITH THAT?

[ Click, dial tone ] HELLO?

HELLO?

[ GROANS ] OH!

MM. OH!

Early: HEY, LITTLE GAL.

WHAT? WHO'S OUT THERE?

Early: YOU LOOKIN' FINE AS WINE.

YOUR MILK COME IN YET?

OH. YOU. Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

I BEEN TRACKIN' YOU.

NOT EVEN THE FBI CAN FIND ME.

GHOST RECON.

[ LAUGHS ] OOH!

OH, HE'S KICKIN'. Early: GO ON, NOW.

LET ME FEEL.

NO! HE DOESN'T KICK ME ON THE INNER THIGH!

LOOK, I WISH YOU'D HAVE DIED IN JAIL, BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED A

RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL.

OH, GOD!

Early: I TRIED HARD TO MAKE IT WORK BETWINXT US.

IF YOU BELIEVE THE COURTS, I FORCED IT.

MY POINT IS, IF YOU WANT ME TO DROP YOU OFF AT THE HOSPITAL AND

GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER -- YES, YES, YES.

Early: ...FOR GOOD, NOW.

YOU JUST SAY THE WORD -- IT'S DONE.

YES, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

Early: BUT IF YOU WANT ME THERE --

NO.

Early: ...STANDIN' TALL FOR YOU LIKE A MAN, I'LL SIGN UP FOR

THAT.

I STILL WANT THE FIRST THING.

Early: AND I AIN'T LETTIN' NOTHIN' GET BETWINXT US -- NOT

MY SON, NOT THE BABY YOU HAVIN' WITH MY SON, AND NOT THE LAWS OF

THIS GREAT NATION.

OH, HELL!

OW!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'?

THE HOSPITAL IS UP THERE.

Early: LAW SAYS I CAN'T BE SEEN WITHIN 200 YARDS OF YOU.

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR THESE TONES IN THE DISTANCE...

[ TRUCK HORN PLAYS "BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" ]

...I'M RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HEART, AND I'M DEFINITELY

WATCHIN' YOU FROM A DISTANT DEER STAND.

[ GROANS ] Early: GET ON, NOW.

GET TO PUSHIN' AND MAKE ME A GRANDDADDY.

Granny: THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL MOMENT THAT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR

LIFE FOREVER.

THE GOVERNMENT WILL GIVE YOU $247 A MONTH FOR EACH ONE IN THE

LITTER.

AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEM CITY COUPLES WILL FORK OVER FOR JUST

ONE?

If you tell 'em it's Chinese, they'll pay double.

Lil: 'CAUSE OF THE MATH THING, RIGHT?

Granny: YEAH.

Lil: WHERE CAN I ASH?

SOMEONE PLEASE JUST GET A DOCTOR, PLEASE.

HEY, I'LL GO GET HIM.

[ GRUNTING ] DON'T -- DON'T WORRY, MAMA.

I'LL GET HIM.

DOCTOR!

[ MUSIC PLAYS ON T ] DOCTOR!

DAMN.

HANG ON.

[ APPLAUS ] OKAY...COMMERCIAL.

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Lil: HEY, CAN I SMOKE THIS IN HERE?

Y-YOU CAN'T SMOKE THAT AT ALL.

IT'S AN EPIDURAL.

Lil: CAN I SNORT IT, THEN?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

[ SCREAMS ] [ CRYING ]

Granny: WHAT IS THAT?

WHOA! HEADS-UP. OKAY.

[ CRYING CONTINUES ] I've never done this before.

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE PICK MY BABY UP?

AW. ISN'T THAT CUTE?

Lil: LOOK AT THE LITTLE THING.

Granny: OH, ISN'T HE CUTE.

WE SHOULD GET HIM A LITTLE EARRING IN HIS EAR.

AND PUT A DO-RAG ON HIM WITH LITTLE DOLLAR SIGNS.

[ TRUCK HORN PLAYS "BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" ]

Early: WHOO!

I'M A GRANDDADDY! HELL YEAH!

[ CRYING ] Rusty: TAMMI! TAMMI!

I'M HERE!

I RODE MY BMX AS FAST AS I COULD.

I GOT SOME BIG-ASS AIR, TOO.

OKAY, BREATHE. BREATHE, NOW.

COME ON. YOU WANT SOME ICE CHIPS?

RUSTY, IT'S OVER.

I HAD THE BABY -- THE ONLY BABY WE'RE EVER GONNA HAVE TOGETHER.

AND YOU MISSED IT.

Rusty: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "ONLY BABY"?

I WAS THINKIN' WE'D HAVE TWO, THREE MORE, THEN START TO FIGHT

AND GET MARRIED TO TRY AND SALVAGE THINGS.

NO, RUSTY.

THAT'S NOT HOW I'M GONNA LIVE MY LIFE.

I WANT THIS BABY TO HAVE HIS DADDY AROUND, BUT I CAN'T HAVE

HIM GROWIN' UP LIKE YOU DID.

I THINK FOR NOW IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME AND --

Rusty: EVANDER THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD CUYLER?

MACHO MAN RANDY CUYLER.

Rusty: AIN'T THE NAME WE TALKED ABOUT, TAMMI.

[ SNIFFLES ] IT'S BETTER.

CAN I HOLD MY LITTLE MACHO MAN?

SURE. GO ON.

HE'S IN THE NURSERY.

Rusty: GRANNY, I'M GONNA GO SEE MY BOY.

IF YOU WOULD, KEEP AN EYE ON MY CO-PAY OVER THERE.

[ HOGS SQUEAL ] Granny: YEAH, HONEY.

YOU GO ON AND HOLD THAT SWEET LITTLE BABY OF YOURS.

Early: HELL, IF IT EVEN IS HIS.

Granny: THERE AIN'T NO WAY THAT FILTHY, CHALKY BABY COME

FROM SQUID LOINS.

[ SPITS ] I WON'T HAVE IT IN MY HOME, I

TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW. Rusty: HEY, BUDDY.

HOW YOU DOIN'?

Early: HE AIN'T GOT RUSTY'S ACNE.

HE AIN'T GOT RUSTY'S RATTAIL.

Rusty: I SEE YOU DONE GOT YOUR EAR PIERCED.

YOU ALL WILD AND MESS.

Early: HELL, THAT AIN'T NO CUYLER BABY.

Rusty: AIN'T YOU? AIN'T YOU?

Granny: WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS SHE JUST WANTS A PIECE OF THE

ESTATE.

Rusty: WE GONNA RAISE SOME HELL, YOU AND ME.

YOU'RE MY SON.

I'M YOUR DADDY.

Early: IT AIN'T RIGHT FOR HIM NOT TO BE HERE FOR THE BIRTH OF

HIS BOY.

YOU WEREN'T THERE WHEN RUSTY WAS BORN.

Early: TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

I DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN.

[ ALARM RINGING ] WHAT THE...?

Lil: [ LAUGHS ] LOOKS LIKE YOU CAN SMOKE THIS.

[ LAUGHS ] [ BABY COOS ]