Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

[ YODELING ] >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

COME ON BACK. YOU GOT PLENTY.

[ TRUCK BEEPING ]

BACKER. MORE BACKER.

>> Rusty: I THINK MY WHEELS IS

SPINNIN'. >> Rusty: DAMN IT.

KEEP IT COMIN'. COME ON!

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT, HERE IT

COMES. >> Early: COME ON, YOU STILL GOT

THIS FAR. >> Granny: I'M IN HERE.

>> Early: KEEP IT COMING. KEEP IT COMING. KEEP IT COMING.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHAT THE HELL?!

I SAID YOU WAS CLOSE,

DAMN LEAD FOOT!

>> Granny: GET DOWN!

IT'S A TWISTER EVERYBODY!

>> Early: GO ON, DO THE HORN!

>> Rusty: THE BOOK SAYS I'M

SUPPOSED TO SECURE THE PARKING

BRAKE --

>> Early: DO THE HORN!

COME ON! DO THE HORN!

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT.

[ HORN BLARES ]

>> Early: YEAH! WHOO! YEAH!

HELL YEAH! WHOO, BABY! YEAH!

>> Rusty: OH, MAN, THIS IS MY

STUDY TRUCK.

IF I SCRATCH THIS THING, THEY AIN'T GONNA GIVE ME MY CDL.

>> Early: CDL?

>> Rusty: YEAH, COMMERCIAL

DRIVER'S LICENSE. >> Early: [ CHUCKLES ]

THINKS HE'S GONNA GET HIM A DAMN

CDL.

>> Granny: [ LAUGHS ] >> Rusty: YOU SAYING I AIN'T

GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ONE OF

THEM INTERSTATE TRUCKERS?

>> Early: HELL, LOOK WHAT YOU

JUST DONE TO THE HOUSE. YOU A DAMN MENACE.

>> Rusty: BUT, DADDY...

I DREAM OF GETTIN' THE HELL OUT

OF THIS TOWN...

AND THEN COME BACK 18 HOURS

LATER, PICK UP ANOTHER LOAD, AND

THEN GETTIN' THE HELL OUT OF

THIS TOWN AGAIN...

AND THEN DO THAT REPEATEDLY FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE.

>> Granny: LOOK AROUND YOU, BOY.

THIS IS YOUR HOME.

>> Early: JUST WHY IN THE HELL

WOULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE THIS

SUMBITCHIN' GARDEN OF EDEN?

[ SLAP! ] HUH?

>> Rusty: UH, DADDY -- >> Early: HUH?

>> Rusty: I DON'T KNOW WHAT --

>> Early: HUH? TELL ME.

>> Granny: TRUCKIN' AIN'T

NOTHIN' BUT A PIPE DREAM.

>> Early: HELL, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST GROW YOURSELF A BEARD AND

JOIN THE ZZ TOP? >> Rusty: WHAT ARE --

>> Early: WHY DON'T YOU THEN?

>> Rusty: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,

DADDY?

>> Early: SON, YOU NEED TO

CHOOSE A SAFE CAREER PATH, LIKE

DOING THEM WEIRD MOUNTAIN

CARVINGS OF JESUS CHRIST,

LORD ALMIGHTY.

>> Granny: WE NEED PRODUCT!

WE GOT A BUS TOUR COMIN'

THROUGH.

>> Early: AIN'T NO DAMN FUTURE IN TRUCKIN'.

>> Rusty: AND WHAT THE HELL YOU

KNOW ABOUT TRUCKIN' IN THE BIG

RIGS? >> Early: WELL, NOW, THAT

THERE'S A QUESTION FOR MY C.B.

HANDLE -- THE SCRAMBLER.

>> Rusty: YOU WERE THE

SCRAMBLER? >> Early: OH, NAW.

THE SECRET IS OUT.

>> Rusty: THE SAME SCRAMBLER WHO

CAUSED THE LARGEST ENVIRONMENTAL

DISASTER IN MODERN TRUCKIN'

HISTORY?

>> Early: AW, THEM WASHINGTON HIPPIES LOVE TO HAMMER MY ASS

WITH THAT ONE.

HELL, IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS ONLY

A WEEK AGO, BUT...

BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY NINE DAYS

AGO.

AT THE TIME, I WAS WORKING OVER AT THE D.H.I.

>> Dan Halen: SO HOW DID THE,

UH, BRAINSTORM MEETING GO?

DID YOU AND YOUR "THINKING

PARTNER" MANAGE TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO GET RID OF ALL THIS TOXIC

WASTE? >> UH, YEAH.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I THOUGHT, UH -- I THOUGHT WE

WOULD DO LIKE A, UH, GIVEAWAY.

>> Dan Halen: A GIVEAWAY OF

TOXIC WASTE?

>> YEAH. I MEAN, P-PEOPLE LOVE

FREE STUFF.

>> Dan Halen: STOP TALKING.

WHERE IS THE OTHER HALF OF THE

BRAIN TRUST?

>> HE SAID HE WAS GONNA WORK,

UH, REMOTELY OR REMOTE, OR --

SOMETHING ABOUT A REMOTE.

[ REMOTE CLICKING ]

>> Early: DAMN!

THIS SUMBITCH WILL CHANGE

CHANNELS RIGHT THROUGH THE AIR.

WHOO!

>> GATHER AROUND THE TELEVISION MOTHER-TRUCKERS, CAUSE IT'S

"TRUCKER TUESDAY" ON THE

NITWIT NETWORK. [ HORN BLARES ]

"TRUCKER TUESDAY" IS ALL CLYDE

ALL THE TIME.

>> Early: YOU GOT THE SCRAMBLER

COMING IN LOUD AND PROUD, BABY.

MY EARS IS ON.

>> Dan Halen: Early, it's Dan.

Where is your proposal for the toxic-waste removal?

>> Early: I'M SICK.

I GOT [COUGHS] A 10-100 IN

PROGRESS. [ Coughing ]

>> Dan Halen: HMM.

TRUCKER SLANG FOR DIARRHEA.

>> PUT THE HAMMER DOWN FOR 22

STRAIGHT HOURS OF TRUCKER

MOVIES. >> Dan Halen: You're watching

the "Trucker Tuesday" marathon,

aren't you?

>> Early: THAT'S A NEGATIVE.

UH, NEGATORY. UH, TUESDAY'S MY DAY TO DEAL

WITH CLIENTS.

I CAN'T BE THERE. OVER.

>> Dan Halen: OH, REALLY?

WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THESE

CLIENTS?

>> Early: Well, there's, uh, the

snowman, uh, Sally Field.

>> Dan Halen: WELL, YOU'VE

CLEARLY GOT YOUR HANDS FULL,

EARLY. I GUESS THIS BIG-RIG

CROSS-COUNTRY CHALLENGE WILL

HAVE TO GO TO GLENN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Early: Wait a minute.

WHAT BIG-RIG CROSS-COUNTRY

CHALLENGE? >> Dan Halen: OH, ONLY THAT YOU

CAN'T TAKE A LOAD OF

FLASH-FROZEN FREEDOM FRIES TO

PARIS, FRANCE, IN 18 HOURS FLAT.

>> THAT -- THAT CAN'T BE DONE.

>> Dan Halen: THAT'S RIGHT,

GLENN.

THEY SAY IT CAN'T BE DONE.

>> Early: Hell, ain't but one

man I know that can pull that

off...

THE SCRAMBLER.

18 HOURS TO PARIS, FRANCE?

HELL, THERE AIN'T NOTHING CAN

STOP THE SCRAMBLER.

WELL, EXCEPT FOR THIS LARGE WET

AREA HERE, WHICH IS SHOWING UP

HERE ON THE MAP IN BLUE.

>> DAN HALEN: WE REALLY NEED TO

BE GOING, BUT I'M -- I'M PRETTY

SURE THEY'VE FIXED THE BRIDGE.

>> EARLY: WELL, WE WASTING TIME

A-JIBBER-JABBERIN' OUR JAWS

THEN. HELL, I'M TAKIN' THIS

FREEDOM-FRY LOAD STRAIGHT UP TO

THE HAMMER LANE, BABY, ALL THE

WAY TO FROG CITY!

>> Dan Halen: SURE, WHATEVER.

JUST GET IT OUT OF HERE.

>> ♪ HE'S A FRANCE-BOUND CLOWN ♪

♪ WITH THE HAMMER TO THE

GROUND ♪

♪ HE'S DOING SOMETHING THEY SAID

HE COULD NEVER DO ♪

♪ YES, HE'S A FRANCE-BOUND

CLOWN ♪

♪ WITH THE HAMMER ON THE

GROUND ♪

♪ LOOK OUT, FRENCHY, SCRAMBLER'S

COMIN' THROUGH ♪

♪ HE'S GOT ONE HAND ON THE

THROTTLE AND ANOTHER HAND ON THE

BRAKE ♪

♪ AND ANOTHER HAND ON THE PILLS

THAT HELP YOU STAY AWAKE ♪

♪ HE'S DRIVING ACROSS THEM WHITE-SAND BEACHES ♪

>> Early: OH, NO!

THE DAMN BRIDGE IS OUT!

>> AAH!

>> ♪ WATCH THAT TRUNK OF PILLS

THE SCRAMBLER PULLS ♪

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

>> Dan Halen: WELL, YOU DID IT,

EARLY.

AND TO THINK THEY SAID IT

COULDN'T BE DONE.

>> Early: YEAH.

I GUESS I DID.

UH, NOBODY CALLED FROM FRANCE,

RIGHT?

>> Dan Halen: ARE YOU UP FOR A

DOUBLE OR NOTHING, SCRAMBLER?

>> Early: WELL, WHAT'S IT GONNA

BE THIS TIME, BOSS MAN?

>> Dan Halen: AH, HELL, I DON'T

CARE. >> Early: GOIN' TO FRANCE?

>> Dan Halen: SURE, SURE.

YES. FRANCE, YES.

NOW, GO ON WITH YOU.

[ DOOR CREAKS ] >> Early: YOU AIN'T SAID IT

CAN'T BE DONE YET.

>> Dan Halen: YES, YES, YES.

IT, UH -- IT CAN'T BE DONE AND

ALL THAT.

>> Early: THEY SAID IT CAN'T BE

DONE.

HELL, I'LL SHOW THEM!

COME ON, NOW! LET'S GO!

[ TRUCK BEEPING ]

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

WHAT THE...

THE BRIDGE IS STILL OUT.

AAAAH!

I HAD OL' JOHNNY LAW COMIN' AND

GOIN', BABY, BUT I HAD THE BEST

BLOCKER IN THE BUSINESS TO RUN

INTERFERENCE. [ SIREN WAILS ]

HEY, MUMMY, WHAT'S THE 10-9 ON

THE BEARS BACK THERE?

>> Granny: WE GOT A CITY KITTY

ON THE 6:00 SCRAMBLER.

YOU BETTER DROP IT DOWN TO

DOUBLE NICKELS, COME BACK?

>> Early: HELL NO.

I GOT THE HAMMER DOWN NOW.

SEE IF YOU CAN SHAKE THAT

SMOKEY.

I'M ABOUT TO STAND ON IT. OVER.

>> Granny: I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU,

GOOD BUDDY, BUT YOU TIED ME TO

THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.

>> Sheriff: DENNY, I GOT EYES ON

THE SCRAMBLER, AND HE'S RUNNIN'

WITH THE MUMMY. ARE YOU IN POSITION, SON?

>> I DONE THE BEST I COULD.

YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME NO CAR TO

DO A ROADBLOCK.

>> Sheriff: I GET THE CAR,

DENNY. WE GOT A SMALL TAX BASE HERE IN

DOUGAL COUNTY.

OH, DENNY, YOU GOT TO BLOCK THE

WHOLE ROAD, NOT JUST ONE LANE.

>> Granny: SCRAMBLER, I SEE SOME

DAYLIGHT.

YOU JUST HAVE TO CHANGE LANES.

>> Early: NEGATORY, MUMMY!

WE'RE GONNA TAKE THIS

CONVENIENTLY PLACED CAR

TRANSPORT WITH THE RAMP DOWN.

>> Sheriff: OH, HELL!

DENNY GET THAT CONVENIENTLY

PLACED CAR TRANSPORT WITH THE

RAMP DOWN OUT OF THERE, BUD.

>> Early: HANG TIGHT, MUMMY.

WE'LL SEE IF HE WANTS TO DANCE

THE DOUGAL DO-SI-DO, GREASY SIDE

UP, BABY! [ HORN BLARES ]

HELL YEAH!

>> Granny: AAAAH!

>> Early: WHOO!

WE JUMPED OVER 27 FLAMING SCHOOL

BUSES AND LANDED CLEAN ON 18

WHEELS.

[ GROANS ] I THINK WE LOST HIM. OVER.

[ STATIC ]

>> Granny: WHY ARE WE STOPPING?

ARE WE AT THE DOCTOR'S?

>> Early: UH-OH.

>> Sheriff: UH, HEY, EARLY?

>> Early: OH, THAT'S WHERE THAT

WENT. THANK YOU, HOSS.

>> Sheriff: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION,

PLEASE.

>> Early: OH. OH, YEAH, THAT.

UH, JUST A MINUTE.

[ WINDOW WHIRS ]

BREAKER, BREAKER, 1-9.

I GOT ME A FULL-GROWN BEAR ON MY

ASS LIKE A BUMPER STICKER.

ALL YOU MOTHER-TRUCKERS OUT

THERE, I NEED ME A CONVOY.

DO YOU COPY?

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ]

>> Sheriff: EARLY? EARLY?

TURN IT OFF.

[ SPUTTERING STOPS ]

LOOK, I NEED TO TELL YOU

SOMETHING. >> Early: WHAT?

>> Sheriff: YOU REMEMBER

SHERIFF BUFORD T. JUSTICE?

"SON, I'M GONNA GO HOME AND

PUNCH YOUR MAMA IN THE MOUTH."

YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE SAID THAT?

[ LAUGHS ] >> Early: YEAH.

>> Sheriff: I HOPE HE DIDN'T,

THOUGH.

THAT'D BE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND

ALL.

>> Early: SOON, I FELL INTO ALL

THE EXPENSIVE TRAPPINGS OF THE

TRUCKER LIFESTYLE.

I GOT ME A NOVELTY BELT BUCKLE,

CLASSIC YOSEMITE SAUL MUD FLAPS.

HELL, I EVEN HELD AUDITIONS TO

GET MYSELF A ANIMAL SIDEKICK.

RIGHT TURN, WILLIE. >> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Early: NO, RIGHT TURN,

WILLIE. >> [ SCREECHES ]

>> Early: [ SCREAMS ]

>> [ SCREECHING CONTINUES ]

>> Early: RIGHT TURN, DR. FANG.

>> [ HISSES ]

>> Granny: [ Muffled ] HEY,

CRANK UP THE A/C, BITCH.

I AIN'T GETTIN' NOTHIN' BACK

HERE.

>> Early: RIGHT TURN, CHICKEN.

>> [ CLUCKING ]

[ SQUAWKS ]

>> Early: THERE YOU GO, CHICKEN!

HELL, YOU RUNNIN' WITH THE

SCRAMBLER NOW!

[ SCREAMING ]

>> [ CLUCKING CONTINUES ]

>> Early: THE MUMMY AND ME PILED

ON THE MILES -- SMOKIES ON MY

BACK, THICK AS BUGS ON A BUMPER.

[ SIREN WAILS ] >> Sheriff: HEY, SCRAMBLER.

>> Early: WHAT?

>> Sheriff: "BUFORD T. JUSTICE

HERE.

I'M GONNA BARBECUE YOUR ASS IN

MOLASSES, SON." [ LAUGHS ]

REMEMBER THAT, EARLY?

[ CHUCKLES ] >> Early: OH, NO!

[ BOTH SCREAM ]

>> Early: I WAS HAULING THREE

LOADS A WEEK, AND NOT A SINGLE

ONE REACHED ITS DESTINATION.

BUT, HELL, THAT DIDN'T BOTHER MY

BOSS NONE.

YEP, THERE WAS MUCH RESPECT FOR

THE SCRAMBLER. >> Dan Halen: BEND OVER.

>> Early: WHOA.

WHAT'S ALL THIS MESS?

>> Dan Halen: UH, AIR BAGS TO

PROTECT YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS AND

ANUS IN THE CASE OF A WRECK.

>> Early: OH, GOOD. I THOUGHT THAT WAS A DAMN

BALLOON FULL OF DRUGS.

>> Dan Halen: [ LAUGHS ]

OH, NO, NO.

>> Early: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW

MAN.

UH...

>> Dan Halen: IT CAN'T BE DONE.

>> Early: IS THAT WHAT THEY SAY?

ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

[ STRAINS, GRUNTS ]

BOY HOWDY.

>> Dan Halen: UH, AND WAIT,

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

NONE OF THESE CAN BE DONE,

EITHER. >> Early: I WAS HAULING 16 TONS

BACK AND FORTH FROM

MOTOR CITY TWICE A WEEK.

BUT ALL THEY WANTED WAS MY

BUTTHOLE AIRBAGS.

>> COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

>> Early: HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE.

I GOT TO THINK ABOUT THIS.

>> COME ON, MAN.

LET'S GO WITH THAT AIR BAG!

>> Early: COME ON, EASY.

JUST -- JUST -- OWWWWWWW!

>> YOU CAN COUNT IT LATER, OKAY?

>> Early: NO, NO, NO!

>> IT'S ALL THERE.

>> Early: REALLY? [ GROANS ]

IT FEELS A LITTLE BIT LIGHT.

>> WHAT DO KNOW?

CAN'T PUT ONE OVER ON YOU, CAN

WE?!

[ BIRD SQUAWKS ]

>> Early: AND THEN THE

SCRAMBLER'S RUN CAME TO A CLOSE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU HAULING BACK

THERE, SON?

>> Early: 2 TONS OF TOBACCO.

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT 130 POUNDS

OF DEAD HOOKER, 40-SOME-ODD

MEXICAN ILLEGALS, AND 3 KEYS

OF -- AHH! -- PURE CHINA WHITE.

>> Early: WELL, HELL, I -- YOU

KNOW, I DID HEAR SOME THUMPING,

BUT -- >> OKAY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK

YOU TO STEP OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

>> Early: I DEMAND ASYLUM!

WHAT'S THAT THING YOU GOTTA SAY

IN THE MOVIE PICTURE WHEN IT'S,

UH, DON'T GET YOU IN NO TROUBLE?

[ BOTH GRUNT ]

>> Early: [ LAUGHS ]

WAIT, NO, NO! I DEMAND ASYLUM!

I DEMANDED IT!

SO HOW DO I KNOW YOU AIN'T GOT

WHAT IT TAKES, RUSTY?

'CAUSE I WAS THE ONLY MAN ON THE

PLANET WHO HAD WHAT IT TOOK.

HELL, YOU CAN'T BE ME.

YOU'VE READ THE HAT.

"WOMENS WANT TO BE WITH ME.

MANS WANT TO BE ME WHEN I'M WITH

THE WOMENS WHO I WANT TO BE WITH

ARE WITH ME."

ME.

>> Rusty: WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE

RIGHT.

>> Granny: WHO DID INVENTORY

DOWN HERE?

>> Early: NOW GET ON, NOW, SLAP

YOU SOME GOOGLY EYES ON SOME

PINECONES. >> Granny: WE ONLY GOT TWO

BARABBAS THE THIEF LEFT, AND I

CAN'T FIND NONE OF JACOB THE

DOUBTER.

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

>> Early: BUCK UP, SON.

IT AIN'T LIKE IT'S THE END OF

THE WORLD.

JUST THE END OF YOUR DREAMS.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> Rusty: STUCK TOGETHER.

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ON

TELEVISION ]

>> Early: LOOK A-THERE!

THIS SUMBITCH WILL CHANGE

CHANNELS RIGHT THROUGH THE AIR!

DAMN!