Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND

BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD

JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO

HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF

BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

>> Rusty: MY TURN. >> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT

THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ VEHICLE APPROACHES,

TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Granny: THERE'S THAT

GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SON OF A TURD.

HEY!

THERE'S THE MAN OF THE HOUR!

>> Rusty: IT'S PAYDAY, RIGHT?

>> Granny: YEAH! >> Early: WELL, LET'S SEE.

>> Granny: GET PIZZ-AID? >> Rusty: YOU GONNA MAKE

IT RAIN?

>> Early: I THINK THERE'S ABOUT

A 20% CHANCE OF SHOWERS!

[ RATTLING ]

>> Granny: OH.

>> Early: GO ON, DAMN. GET SOME.

>> Granny: WELL, THAT'S MORE OF

A DRIZZLE.

>> Rusty: DAD-GUM. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MONEY,

DADDY?

>> Early: WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

THE DAMN IRS BENT ME OVER, AND

IT WAS "WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU,

UNCLE SAM." HELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

>> Rusty: OH. SO, THE IRS TOOK

EVERYTHING BUT 42 CENTS?

>> Early: UH, THAT'S THE WAY I

REMEMBER IT, YEAH.

NOW, YOU JUST TURN THIS SUMBITCH

INTO PAPER MONEY -- RIGHT NOW!

>> ARE YOU HERE ABOUT THE LIEN

ON YOUR PROPERTY, OR...?

>> Early: FORGIVE ALL DEBTS.

THAT'S WHAT THE GOOD LORD SAID.

READ YOUR DAMN BIBLE, SUMBITCH.

WHAT SAY, PEDRO, YOU JUST TURN

THIS BIG BOY INTO SOME

JINGLE-JANGLE?! >> Sí, TREINTA Y CINCO.

>> Early: YEAH, BLIPITY BLINGO,

OKAY.

[ SNAPS TENTACLE ] iARRIBA!

LET ME GET ONE FIFTH FOR THE

ROAD.

[ CASH REGISTER BEEPS, DINGS ]

YEAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME GET ONE MORE FOR THE

ROAD.

[ CASH REGISTER BEEPS, DINGS ]

WHOO!

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEED ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD.

[ CASH REGISTER BEEPS, DINGS ]

YEAH!

WHAT WOULD BE A LIGHT CHASER

FOR ALL THIS MESS?

[ GUN COCKS ]

[ GASPS, GUN CLICKS ]

>> ALL: [ GROAN ]

>> Early: YEAH, I TOLD YOU!

WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER.

LET'S GO.

HEY, HOLD ON. NOW, WHO WANTS TO BET I CAN'T

DO THAT A SIXTH STRAIGHT TIME?

>> All: YEAH!

>> Early: I LIKE THAT!

WE GOT SOME TAKERS!

HELL YEAH!

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ PANTS ]

>> Early: OOOH. OOOH. OOOOOH.

>> Dan Halen: YOU WERE PAID 30

MINUTES AGO!

YOU LEFT HERE CASH IN HAND, RICH

AS CROESUS! >> Early: WELL, MY

STANDARD-OF-LIVING INDEX IS

SPIRALING WAY THE HELL OUT OF

CONTROL. I MEAN, YOU SEEN THEM DAMN

NUMBERS COMING OUT OF

WASHINGTON?

>> Dan Halen: LET ME EXPLAIN TO

YOU WHAT I AM PREPARED TO OFFER.

>> HAVE A GOOD 'UN.

>> Early: AH, DAMN IT!

I KNEW THEY WASN'T GONNA GIVE ME

THAT OFFICE! [ HORN HONKS,

CAR ALARM BLARING ]

>> Early: THE BEST AS I CAN

TELL, THAT DAMN GAYLE IN

ACCOUNTING DONE FOULED UP MY

PAYCHECK AGAIN.

>> Granny: OH, GAYLE.

I THOUGHT YOU FIRED THAT

BIRDBRAIN BITCH MONTHS AGO!

>> Early: HELL, I'D FIRE HER SO

DAMN FAST, HER HEAD WOULD SPIN

IF SHE WAS A REAL PERSON.

>> Rusty: YOU DON'T SEEM VERY

UPSET ABOUT IT, DADDY.

>> Early: LOOK, SOMETIMES YOU

JUST GOT TO PLAY THE CARDS

YOU'RE DEALT.

E-LEC-TRONICALLY.

[ THUNDER CRASHES, MID-TEMPO

MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> HEY! YOU THINK YOU CAN STEP

TO EGYPT?

>> Early: WELL, HELL YES, I DO.

>> I'M GONNA BRING THE PLAGUES

DOWN!

>> ROUND 1 -- NEFERHOTEP THE

DECEIVER.

[ MACHINE BEEPING ]

>> Early: UH-HUH.

RAISE THAT BET.

>> SURE ABOUT THAT, EARLY?

Y-YOU GOT THAT ONE PAIR.

>> Early: NEFERHOTEP AIN'T GOT

JACK. SEE THE WAY THAT SNAKE ON HIS

HAT'S A-WIGGLIN'? I CALL.

FLIP 'EM, HOSS.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> DAMN IT!

>> Early: HELL YEAH!

PAIR A 2s, BABY!

OPEN THAT MONEY TOMB!

[ COINS CLATTER ] >> [ CHUCKLES ]

WHADDYA KNOW THERE, EARLY? YOU FINALLY GOT SOME MONEY FROM

ME LEGITIMATELY.

>> Early: OH, I'LL BE GETTING

THAT OTHER MONEYS.

[ GUN COCKS ] AFTER.

COME ON, NOW, NEFERHOTEP!

BRING ON YOUR BOY!

>> ROUND 2 -- MENUHOTEP THE

ELDER.

>> Early: AH, YOU NEVER LEARN,

DO YOU? YOW!

>> ♪ YOU GOT THE POWER TO

PROVE IT ♪

>> Early: COME ON! COME ON!

COME ON! YEAH!

>> ♪ BUT THE PHARAOH, HE KNOWS ♪

>> Early: HELL YEAH!

I WIN AGAIN! WHOO!

>> ♪ MAYBE IT'S WRONG,

BUT IT FEELS SO RIGHT ♪

>> Early: HEE-HAW!

>> ♪ THE CLICK OF THE BUTTON

AND THE FLASH OF THE LIGHTS ♪

[ MUSIC FADES ]

>> Early: NOW YOU'RE NEXT, BABY.

COME ON. GET YOU SOME.

[ COINS CLATTER ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ MACHINE BEEPING ]

[ SMACKS LIPS ]

UGH!

MY HOT-CINNAMON TOOTHPICK DONE

LOST ITS FLAVOR!

NOW MY CONCENTRATION'S BROKE ALL TO HELL!

>> NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.

YOU JUST CALM DOWN, EARLY.

WE'LL GET YOU A NEW TOOTHPICK.

>> Early: [ SPITS ] DAMN IT,

THAT'S A WINTERMINT! YOU TRYING TO INSULT ME?!

[ DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES ]

>> Sheriff: WELL, WELL, EARLY.

WHO KNEW YOU WAS SUCH A CARD

SHARK? >> Early: OPINIONS IS LIKE

BUTTHOLES, AIN'T THEY?

>> Sheriff: WELL, THAT JUST

DON'T REALLY KIND OF RELATE TO

WHAT I JUST SAID, I DON'T THINK,

DOES IT? >> Early: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT

THEY SAY.

OPINIONS IS VERY SIMILAR TO

BUTTHOLES. >> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

THEY DON'T SAY IT AS MUCH AS YOU

DO.

>> Early: THEY'RE VERY SIMILAR. >> Sheriff: EARLY, YOU BEEN AT

THIS FOR A FEW DAYS NOW.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME FOR

YOU TO GO BACK HOME AND CHECK IN

ON YOUR FAMILY?

>> Early: I AM HERE 'ROUND THE

CLOCK PROVIDING FOR THOSE

PEOPLE.

HELL, I'M HUMPING THIS MACHINE

DRY!

>> Dan Halen: PIT BOSS, GET THIS

HIGH ROLLER OFF OF MY MACHINE!

>> Yes, sir.

I'll see what I can do.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

EXCUSE ME, EARLY.

I'VE GOT SOME TERRIBLE NEWS FOR

YOU.

IT'S, UH -- IT'S YOUR MAMA.

SHE'S PASSED.

>> Early: THANK YOU FOR YOUR

CONCERN. JUST GO ON NOW.

YOU'RE MUSHING ME.

>> OH. THEN MAYBE IT'S YOUR

GRANDMAMA?

>> Early: YEP, SHE'S WITH THE

MAKER.

NOW GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

>> TH-THE PURPLE SQUID, THE ONE

THAT LIVE WITH YOU -- SHE KIN TO

YOU? >> Early: UH, SHE NEVER REALLY

MADE IT CLEAR.

OOH, HELL, I GOT ME A PAIR

GOING!

>> Dan Halen: Do what needs to

be done!

>> [ Grumbling ] I'LL DO IT.

I'LL DO IT.

[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Early: AHHH! OHH!

I HAD ME A WHOLE ROW OF THE OLD

MAN WITH THE CRAZY HAT ON CARDS!

DAMN IT!

>> Dan Halen: SO SORRY ABOUT THE

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH THE

MACHINE.

IN THE MEANTIME, PERHAPS YOU'D

LIKE TO TAKE IN A SHOW.

WE SET FIRE TO HOBOS BEHIND THE

STORE EVERY DAY AT 6:30 AND

11:00.

>> Early: HELL, SHOWS IS FOR OLD

LADIES AND TOURISTS.

I AM HERE FOR THE COMPETITION.

>> Dan Halen: VERY WELL THEN.

PIT BOSS...

CRUSH HIS BUTTON FINGER!

>> ANYTHING WORTH DOING TAKES

TIME. >> Dan Halen: YOU'RE DOING IT

BACKWARDS.

>> Early: I CAN'T WAIT AROUND

FOR THIS MESS.

I GOT TO GET BACK DOWN TO MY MACHINE AND BREAK THAT

NUT-CUTTER WIDE OPEN!

[ BELL RINGS ]

WELL, WHAT'S THIS?

YOU HERE TO WATCH THE MASTER

AT WORK? [ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> Sheriff: WHY DON'T YOU SIT

DOWN AND JOIN US, EARLY?

WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU A

LITTLE BIT.

>> Early: I AM SITTING DOWN.

[ MACHINE BEEPS ]

>> Sheriff: EARLY, THESE ARE ALL

THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO CARE

ABOUT YOU. >> Granny: [ SNORING ]

>> Sheriff: ALSO, LIL.

RUSTY, I'M GONNA LET YOU START

THIS OFF, SON.

>> Rusty: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

"DEAR DADDY, YOU HADN'T BEEN

HOME IN A COUPLE DAYS."

[ MACHINE BEEPING ]

>> Early: WHOO!

>> Rusty: "I WENT TO THE BAR,

THE JAIL CELL, AND ALL THEM

PLACES YOU FREQUENT AND STALK

YOUR EX-WIFE FROM." >> Early: WOW! WHOO-OW!

>> Rusty: "BUT THERE WEREN'T NO

SIGN OF YOU."

>> Sheriff: SEE WHAT YOUR

SICKNESS HAS DONE, EARLY?

>> Rusty: WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M

PRETTY HAPPY TO SEE HE'S HERE

AND AIN'T PASSED OUT IN A DITCH

SOMEWHERE. >> Early: HELL YEAH!

I WIN AGAIN! WHOO!

>> Granny: HMM?

WELL, HELL, THAT AIN'T A

SICKNESS IF HE'S WINNING! >> Early: HEY, HEY.

COME ON, NOW! BACK UP, BITCH!

>> Rusty: DADDY, CHECK IT OUT. YOU GOT YOU A STRAIGHT FLUSH!

>> Granny: COME ON! GO ALL-IN!

MAMA NEEDS A NEW HIP!

[ MACHINE BEEPING ]

>> Early: OH, I GOT TO PEE-PEE.

HOLD IT NOW.

YOU PRESS THIS BET BUTTON EVERY

TIME MY LIGHT FLASHES AND MAKE

SOME BOASTFUL COMMENTS LIKE

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" AND "I'M

YOUR DADDY" AND "FOUND YOUR

DADDY" AND ALL THAT.

NOW CLEAR A PATH TO THE PRIVY

AND LET'S GO!

>> Granny: YEAH! YAHTZEE!

>> Sheriff: Well, you saw that I

tried, Mr. Halen.

>> Dan Halen: IT APPEARS YOU

DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH.

IT'S TIME TO BRING THE HAMMER

DOWN!

>> Early: WELL, I ALMOST

MADE IT.

"A" FOR EFFORT ON THAT ONE.

>> Granny: OHH. LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY HAND,

MAN!

>> Early: NO! >> Granny: OHHHHH.

>> Early: MY VIDEO-POKER MACHINE!

>> Dan Halen: IT APPEARS WE HAD

A LITTLE ACCIDENT.

>> Early: DAMN IT!

YOU BLOWED MY JACKPOT, DIDN'T

YA, YOU DAMN PURPLE FOOL?!

>> Granny: NO!

>> Early: SHERIFF, GIVE ME THAT

HAMMER OVER THERE!

>> Sheriff: EARLY, YOU GOT A

CHOICE TO MAKE.

YOU CAN EITHER HAVE THE HAMMER

AND THE MONEY, OR YOU CAN JUST

WALK OUT.

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, SON?

>> Early: WHOO! I GOT THE HAMMER

AND THE MONEY! YEAH!

>> Sheriff: UH, HANG ON, EARLY.

I THINK I DID SOMETHING WRONG

HERE.

>> Early: HELL YEAH!

>> Dan Halen: ONE HAND HERE IN

MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW!

IF I WIN, YOU AGREE NEVER TO

PLAY ONE OF MY VENDING MACHINES

AGAIN!

>> Early: AND IF I LOSE?

WELL, THE SAME THING.

IF I WIN, YOU LOSE.

THE SAME SCENARIO WOULD APPLY.

D-D-DO YOU FOLLOW? I MEAN, IT...

>> Early: ALL RIGHT, THEN, IF YOU SAY SO.

>> Dan Halen: YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I LOSE, I'LL KILL YOUR

FAMILY, AS WELL.

HOW'S THAT SOUND?!

>> Early: ALL RIGHT, THEN.

>> Dan Halen: I AGREE TO YOUR

TERMS, AND I'D LIKE TO ADD THAT

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE

NEGOTIATOR.

>> Granny: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING

ME?! >> Rusty: HELP!

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Early: WHERE THEY TAKING MY

BOY? >> Dan Halen: YOUR FAMILY IS IN

A SAFE HOUSE, AND IF YOU EVER

WANT TO SEE THEM ALIVE AGAIN...

>> Early: WELL, AS LONG AS THEY

SAFE.

>> Dan Halen: YOU'RE NOT EVEN

LISTENING, ARE YOU?

>> Early: HIT. HIT. HIT. HIT.

HELL, THIS BUTTON DON'T LIGHT

UP WORTH A DAMN! >> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

DON'T PRESS THAT.

IT'S A $5 CHIP.

THIS HERE IS REAL POKER. >> Dan Halen: YEAH.

HE WILL PHYSICALLY HANDING YOU

PAPER CARDS WITH A WAX COATING,

AND THEN YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICES

BASED ON THE PICTURES THEREIN.

>> Early: LIKE 'EM SCHOOL CARDS

IN SCHOOL THAT SHOWS YOU HOW TO

SPELL AND ALL? >> Dan Halen: MORE LIKE

FORTUNE-TELLING.

>> Early: I THOUGHT THAT WAS

JUST A COOKIE THING.

>> Dan Halen: IT IS COMPLETELY

COOKIE-UNRELATED!

LET'S JUST GET ON WITH IT!

>> Early: WELL, I GOT ME A LOT

OF CHIPS HERE.

THINK I'LL JUST GO AHEAD AND

RAISE YOU.

>> Dan Halen: OH, YOU'LL RAISE

ME, WILL YOU?

IN THAT CASE, I'D LIKE TO RAISE

MY BET JUST A LITTLE MORE.

>> Early: THEN I RAISE THAT

RAISE AND I RAISE THE RAISED-UP

RAISE WHAT I JUST RAISED.

>> Dan Halen: I'LL SEE YOU,

AND I'LL RAISE YOU AGAIN!

ALL-IN!

>> Early: SENTIMENTAL VALUE.

>> Dan Halen: THAT BELONGS

TO ME.

>> Early: I DON'T SEE YOUR

NAME -- WELL, YEAH, I DO.

IT'S RIGHT THERE. HELL, SORRY.

>> Dan Halen: LOOK, LET'S JUST

CALL IT. ALL RIGHT, I CALL.

HA! YOU FOOL!

I HAVE A FULL HOUSE!

>> Early: WELL, IS THAT RIGHT?

WELL, I GOT ME FOUR OF A KIND!

BOO-YAH! WHOO!

>> Dan Halen: IS THAT RIGHT?

WELL, I'VE GOT...

FIVE OF A KIND.

>> Early: OH, IS THAT RIGHT?

>> Dan Halen: YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Early: IS THAT RIGHT?

>> Dan Halen: YES, THAT IS

RIGHT.

>> Early: IS IT RIGHT?

>> Dan Halen: YES.

AS I SAID, IT IS RIGHT.

>> Early: WELL, NOW, I GOT ME A

FOX IN THE HEN HOUSE, THREE

DUCKS IN A POND, FOUR MAIDS

A-MILKIN', A DOC IN A BOX, AND A

COLDY FOR THE ROAD!

>> Dan Halen: NO!

>> Early: SUCK ON THAT!

>> Sheriff: GUYS, I'VE STILL GOT

TO DEAL THE CARDS HERE, YOU

KNOW.

[ WHEELS SQUEAKING ]

>> Early: HELL, THIS IS CHILD'S

PLAY.

YEAH. OH, YEAH.

[ MACHINE WHIRS ]

>> Early: I'M COMING AFTER YOU

THERE, BLUE BEAR.

COME ON, NOW!

IF I CAN JUST FIND THE RIGHT

HOLE TO STICK IT IN.

A LITTLE TO THE RIGHT.

MM, BACK.

OH, YEAH.

HELL YEAH.

[ CLICK ]

DAMN IT!

ALL RIGHT.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY, COIN CLICKS ]

THIS IS THE ONE.