Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ RAISED BY A WILD PACK OF

CIGARETTES ♪

♪ YEAH, THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE

IN HELL WAITIN' FOR ME ♪

♪ YOU BETCHA, MISTER, WHEN

MY TIME, IT COMES ♪

♪ AND I'M PROUD TO SAY I'LL BE

THERE WITH MY FAMILY ♪

♪ AT THE REUNION PARTY, DRINKIN'

PAINT AND EATIN' FIRE! ♪

WHOO!

>> Rusty: HEY, MAN, LET ME DRIVE

THAT THING.

COME ON.

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

COME ON, NOW!

GIVE IT HERE -- ALL OF IT,

BABY! IN THE BAG!

WHOO! >> WELL, OKAY.

WELL, BUT YOU GOT TO TAKE THE

BAG OFF YOUR HEAD, OR ELSE I

CAN'T REALLY RIGHTLY FILL THE

BAG.

>> Early: HUH.

WELL, THAT THERE'S A CLASSIC

CONUNDRUM.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANNA REVEAL

MY IDENTITY, BUT YET I NEED A

BAG TO MOVE THE GOODS.

>> WELL, I GUESS WE'RE AT A

STANDSTILL, THEN.

>> Early: UH...

I COULD STEAL ONE OF YOUR BAGS.

>> YOU COULD, AND YOU'RE WELCOME

TO IT, BUT THEN WHAT WOULD YOU

PUT IT IN?

>> Early: DAMN IT, YOU GOT ME!

DON'T YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE,

NOW.

>> IT IS YOU, EARLY! DANG. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WHEN I

SEEN THE TIPS OF THEM GREEN

HANDS!

>> Early: RACIALISTIC PROFILER!

>> Rusty: HEY, DADDY, LOOK!

[ CROWD MURMURING ]

>> Dan Halen: ATTENTION,

PRIMITIVES!

THY WAIT IS OVER.

I GIVE YOU YOUR VERY OWN

BALLMART!

>> Granny: NO, NO, THE STORE IS

CALLED WA--

>> Dan Halen: BALLMART, I SAID!

BALLMART!

>> Granny: YEAH, BUT YOU MEAN --

>> Dan Halen: BALLMART!

WELL, DON'T STAND UNDER IT.

>> Granny: DO WHAT? >> Dan Halen: I'M ABOUT TO

DROP IT. >> Granny: HE WANTS US TO STAND

UNDER IT.

>> Early: YOU MEAN STAND OVER

HERE?

WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO? >> Dan Halen: UGH!

>> Early: SHOULD I MOVE OVER

HERE?

>> Dan Halen: I'M COUNTING TO THREE AND I'M DROPPING IT!

>> Granny: DROPPIN' WHAT?

>> Dan Halen: ONE...

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

I DIDN'T EVEN WAIT TILL THREE,

YOU FOOLS!

>> Sheriff: WELCOME TO BALL--

PLEASE! ACT LIKE HUMANS! AAAH!

>> [ Muffled ] WE GOT FREE

SAMPLES OF BUTTER BOMB JALAPEÑO

POPPERITO BLASTERS.

THEY GOOD FOR PARTIES...

GET-TOGETHERS.

NO! NOT MINE! THESE ARE MINE!

>> Sheriff: KRYSTAL, NOW --

>> COMPETITIVE EATIN' CONTESTS.

>> Sheriff: KRYSTAL, NOW --

>> PUTTIN' THEM IN YOUR MOUTH

CAUSE THEY'RE IN FRONT OF YOU.

[ MUNCHING LOUDLY ]

>> Sheriff: NOW, KRYSTAL,

SWEETHEART, WON'T YOU JUST SAVE

SOME OF THEM SAMPLES FOR THE

CUSTOMERS?

>> [ MOANING ]

>> Sheriff: SEE, THE IDEA IS

THAT THEY TASTE IT AND ENJOY IT,

AND THEN, IF WE'RE LUCKY,

THEY'LL TAKE IT UP THERE AND BUY

IT AT THE REGISTER.

>> Early: YEAH, YOU DUMB BITCH.

WE TESTIN' QUALITY OVER HERE.

>> Rusty: SALT FLAVOR.

>> Sheriff: WELL, UH, THESE ARE

ACTUALLY PRODUCTS ON THE SHELF

FOR SALE, EARLY.

>> Early: WELL, WE JUST

BROWSIN'.

>> Granny: JUST LOOKIN'.

>> Rusty: YEAH, WE JUST LOOKIN'.

>> Early: YEP. WE JUST BROWSIN'.

>> Sheriff: WELL, I KINDA NEED

YOU TO PROVIDE SOME MONEY TO PAY

FOR THE THINGS YOU JUST ATE.

>> Granny: WE AIN'T GOT NO

MONEY.

>> Rusty: NAH, WE AIN'T GOT NO

MONEY.

>> Early: HE MEANS WE AIN'T GOT

NO MONEY FOR SHODDY PRODUCTS.

WHAT WAS BUILT BY CHINYMANS IN

CHINER. >> Sheriff: WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT

BARREL OF CHEESY CHIMPS, EARLY?

>> Early: THEY WAS ALREADY

OPEN WHEN I OPENED 'EM.

>> Sheriff: YEAH, SO WAS THAT

12-PACK, I GUESS, HUH?

>> Early: NOW HE KNOWS HOW IT

WORKS.

>> Granny: [ GULPING ]

I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE IN

COMFORT AND TAKE THIS. >> Early: THAT'S RIGHT!

WE'LL JUST TAKE OUR BUSINESS

ELSEWHERE! >> Sheriff: WELL, YOU GON' LEAVE

THAT KOMFY KRITTER RIGHT HERE.

>> Granny: NO, NO, NO! ONCE I GOT MOTORIZED, I AIN'T

NEVER GOIN' BACK TO HOPPIN'

AROUND LIKE A MEXICAN JUMPIN'

BEAN.

NEVER!

>> Sheriff: WELL, IF YOU WANT TO

STAY ON THE CART, BALLMART'S

ALWAYS HIRIN'.

>> Early: YOU MEAN LIKE A WORKY

JOB? >> Sheriff: 10-4.

>> Granny: THEY TOLD ME I'M TOO

STUPID TO WORK.

>> Sheriff: NOT HERE.

WE'LL HIRE ANYBODY.

>> Granny: WELCOME TO BALLMART.

UNLESS OF COURSE YOU ONE OF THEM

PEOPLE WHO AIN'T WELCOME AT

BALLMART.

AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

>> EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A FONDUE KIT.

>> Granny: OOH!

I THINK SOMEBODY'S HAD MORE THAN

THEIR FAIR SHARE OF FONDUE

ALREADY. >> EXCUSE ME?

>> Granny: HOW 'BOUT A

TREADMILL, HONEY?

THEY'RE ON AISLE 32.

HERE. "DUMP YOUR BITCH SLUT WIFE FOR

DUMMIES" IS ON SALE.

>> OH, WOW. IT'S IN PAPERBACK.

>> Granny: SLUT MASCARA'S ON

AISLE 47 IF YOU'RE LOW.

CHOP-CHOP, MEN!

IF YOU AIN'T GREETIN' A

CUSTOMER, THEN YOU BETTER BE

HUNTIN' ONE DOWN WHO NEEDS TO BE

GRET.

>> Early: BITCH, YOU AIN'T THE

BOSS Of ME.

>> Granny: YES. I'M AFRAID I AM.

>> Sheriff: ACTUALLY, EARLY,

SHE'S THE ASSISTANT GREETER

MANAGER. >> Early: OH, NO, MA'AM!

YOU BEST CHECK YOUR FACTS!

>> Sheriff: NO, EARLY, SHE WAS

HIRED 10 MINUTES BEFORE YOU

WERE, SO --

WELCOME TO BALLMART!

...SHE'S YOUR SUPERVISOR.

>> Granny: GO ON. SAY IT.

DO IT WITH A SMILE.

>> Early: WELCOME TO BALLMART.

>> Granny: DON'T MISS THAT ONE.

>> Early: YEAH, YOU! WELCOME TO BALLMART!

>> Granny: YOU TOO, BOY.

DON'T LET HIM BY.

>> Rusty: WELCOME TO BALLMART.

>> Early: WELCOME TO BALLMART!

>> Granny: WHOO!

NEED A LITTLE COMPETITION UP IN

HERE. >> Rusty: WELCOME TO BALL--

>> Early: WELCOME TO BALLMART! >> Rusty: WELCOME TO BALL--

>> Early: WELCOME TO BALLMART! >> Rusty: WELCOME TO --

>> Early: WELCOME TO BALLMART!

YOU WANT ME TO WELCOME YOU

OUTSIDE? WELCOME TO OUTSIDE!

>> Granny: YOU'RE SCARIN' PEOPLE

WITH YOUR GREETS. I'M PUTTIN' YOU IN BACK.

I'M GON' NEED YOU TO STACK

BASKETBALL GOALS AND BABY POOLS.

>> Early: AND I'M GONNA NEED YOU

TO STACK YOUR KISSES UP ON MY

ASS!

I AIN'T DOIN' --

WELCOME TO BALLMART!

...SQUAT.

>> Granny: WELL, THEN I GUESS

YOU AIN'T GETTIN' --

WELCOME TO BALLMART!

...PAID.

AND I GUESS I'M GONNA WRITE YOUR

ASS UP! >> Early: AND I'M GONNA BEAT

YOUR ASS DOWN -- AS SOON AS I

PUNCH OUT.

HELL YEAH. I'M GONNA PUNCH OUT AND THEN

PUNCH YOU -- ON MY TIME!

MY TIME IS THE RIGHT TIME TO

BUST YOUR BEHIND!

>> Granny: WHOO!

SOMEBODY'S GREETIN' THE

GRAVEYARD SHIFT.

>> Early: Y-YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

AIN'T NOBODY HERE!

>> Granny: WELL, ACCORDIN' TO

MR. CLIPBOARD, I JUST DONE IT.

>> Early: CAN SHE DO THAT?

>> Granny: OH, YOU'LL BE

GREETIN' YOUR OWN INSANITY

BEFORE I'M DONE WITH YOU, BOY.

>> Early: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT,

THEN?

I QUIT!

BUT NOT BEFORE I BUY THIS AT 20%

EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT!

>> Granny: WELL, LOOKY, LOOKY.

WE JUST PASSED THE SELL-BY DATE.

I'M NO LONGER INCLINED TO SELL

THEM TO YOU.

>> Early: WELL, THEN I GUESS YOU

GONNA HAVE TO CLEAN UP SOME FOOT

BRINE, CAUSE THEY BROKE...

ALL...

OVER...

THE FLOOR!

I'M GON' LEAVE SOME...

BRINE ON THIS FLOOR.

>> Granny: [ CACKLES ]

HAVE A NICE DAY.

COME BACK AND SEE US!

[ LAUGHS ]

WELCOME TO BALLMART!

>> Early: [ GRUNTING ]

>> Sheriff: COME ON, EARLY.

I THINK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.

>> Early: I PUT HER IN HER

PLACE, DIDN'T I? >> Sheriff: YEAH, YOU SURE DID,

EARLY.

>> Early: YES, I DID!

GET YOUR HANDS UP.

"YES, SIR, EARLY."

GIMME ALL OF IT -- IN THE BAG.

"YES, SIR. DON'T SHOOT."

I'VE GOT THE GUN.

I'M IN CONTROL.

"YES, SIR. YOU ARE."

[ Voice breaking ] I DAMN SURE

WAS!

>> Rusty: OH. HEY, DADDY.

YEAH, I THOUGHT I'D FIND YOU

HERE. >> Early: YOU.

WHY AIN'T YOU WORKIN' OVER THERE

AT BALLMART, LIKE EVERY OTHER

DAMN TRAITOR IN THIS TOWN?

>> Rusty: 'CAUSE I QUIT.

THEY HIRE ILLEGALS, DON'T GIVE

US NO INSURANCE, AND DON'T ALLOW

US TO ORGANIZE THE LABOR.

THAT'S HOW THEY PASS ON THE

SAVINGS TO YOU.

EVERYTHING THEY SELL COMES FROM

SOUTH AMERICA.

>> Early: THE SECONDHAND

AMERICA! COME ON, NOW.

WE GON' MAKE OUR VOICES HEARD!

>> Rusty: WHAT, LIKE ORGANIZE

THE WORKFORCE?

OR MAYBE WE COULD STRIKE FOR

HIGHER PAY AND LOWER HOURS.

OR WE COULD EVEN LOBBY CONGRESS

TO GIVE TAX BREAKS FOR DOMESTIC

FACTORY JOBS.

>> Early: I WAS THINKIN' BLOW IT

UP AND, YOU KNOW, ROB IT.

NOT IN THAT ORDER, THOUGH.

YOU GONNA ENTER THROUGH THE

AIR-CONDITIONING GRATE, AND YOU

WILL CRAWL APPROXIMATELY FIVE

CLICKS, IN A EASTER-WESTERLY

DIRECTION, TO THIS RIGHT HERE.

NOW, WHEN YOU HEAR THE

DISTINCTIVE CLACK OF THIS HERE

ASSISTANT GREETER MANAGER'S

WALKER... >> Granny: THAT'S QUITE A HERNIA

YOU GOT DOWN THERE.

>> Early: ...YOU KICK OVER

A SHELF OF DUMBBELLS AND FREE

WEIGHTS DOWN ON HER HEAD.

>> Granny: [ WHIMPERS ]

>> Early: I'LL BE DRILLIN'

THROUGH THE CONCRETE FLOOR OF

THE STOCKROOM TO WHERE THE SAFE

IS LOCATED, 200 FOOT BELOW THE

EARTH'S CRUST.

WE GON' WEAR THESE HERE

SPECIALLY MADE CONTACT LENSES.

THEY'LL GET US PAST THE RETINAL

SCAN AND MAKE US LOOK LIKE ANGRY

CATS. >> Rusty: WHAT ABOUT THEM

SECURITY CAMERAS UP THERE?

>> Early: Y-YOU MEAN LIKE THEM

MOTION-PICTURE CAMRIES AND ALL?

W-WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU AND

EVERYTHING?

>> Rusty: YEAH, DADDY.

THERE'S CAMERAS EVERYWHERE.

THERE'S ONE THERE AND HERE

AND -- AND HERE AND HERE AND

HERE AND HERE.

>> Early: HMM.

YOU IGNORE CAMERAS 1 THROUGH 6,

AND I WILL IGNORE CAMERAS 8

THROUGH 10.

NEXT, YOU WILL CREATE A

DIVERSION IN JUNIOR MISS BY

SHAKIN' YOUR WANGER AT PEOPLE

AND YELLIN', "I'M A PERVERT.

I'M A PERVERT. I'M A PERVERT."

>> Rusty: I'M A PERVERT!

LOOK AT MY WANGER!

>> Early: NOW, THAT SHOULD GIVE

ME ENOUGH TIME TO GET TO THE

SAFE HOUSE ACROSS THE STATE

LINE, FREE OF BALLMART

JURISDICTION. >> Rusty: UH, HOW -- HOW LONG

YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS PERVERT

THING?

>> Early: UNTIL THEY TAKE YOU DOWN.

>> Rusty: DON'T ARREST ME!

>> Early: NOW, DON'T YOU FLIP ON

ME.

WE MEET AT THE FRONT DOOR

TONIGHT -- 2100 HOURS.

>> Rusty: THAT'S NOW, AIN'T IT?

>> Early: IT IS?

GET YOUR ASSES ON THE FLOOR!

NOW! >> Rusty: DADDY, THE PLAN!

>> Early: TO HELL WITH THE PLAN!

OPEN THE SAFE, YOU SON OF A

BITCH!

[ CELL DOOR CLANKS ]

>> Sheriff: NOW, I FIGURED OUT

HOW YOU GOT PAST THE GREETER.

I SAW HOW YOU WAS IGNORIN' THE

SECURITY CAMERAS.

BUT THERE'S ONE PART OF YOUR

PLAN I JUST COULDN'T QUITE

FIGURE OUT.

>> Early: HOW I GOT MY EYES TO

LOOK LIKE A ANGRY CAT?

>> Sheriff: WHAT WAS IT, SOME

SORT OF HIGH-TECH TRANSPLANT

SURGERY OR SOMETHIN'?

>> Early: CONTACTS.

>> Sheriff: I KNEW IT!

WHERE DID YOU FIND THESE?

THEY'RE FANTASTIC!

>> Early: HELL, WE GOT 'EM ON

AISLE 27.

>> Sheriff: OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

HALLOWEEN!

>> Dan Halen: WE EVALUATED THE

SECURITY TAPES, AND THAT'S WHEN

WE REALIZED GENIUS HERE FORGOT

TO TURN THE CAMERAS ON.

>> Sheriff: THEY DO MAKE ME LOOK

LIKE A CAT, EARLY!

>> Dan Halen: YOUR SWORN

STATEMENT SAYS THAT THE

PERPETRATOR WAS A CATLIKE

CREATURE THREE APPLES HIGH WITH

FEET OF GREEN.

YOU ALSO ADDED THAT IT WAS YOUR

GRANDSON.

OR YOUR SON.

YOU WEREN'T SURE. >> Granny: UH...

THE CAT OVER THERE.

THE BIG 'UN.

>> Sheriff: ARRRR! RAR!

>> Dan Halen: SURELY YOU MEAN

LITTLE ONE.

THE CEPHALOPOD WITH 37 PRIORS,

ALL ARMED ROBBERY.

>> Early: A-ARE YOU SURE IT WAS

ME?

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET IN THAT

COURTROOM, NOW, YOU NEED TO BE

ABSOLUTELY SURE IT AIN'T ME.

>> Granny: WELL, I THOUGHT IT

WAS, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, A WOMAN HAS THE RIGHT

TO CHANGE HER MIND.

>> Dan Halen: I'M SORRY.

DID YOU SAY "WOMAN"?

>> Granny: YOU KNOW, THEY FIRED

MY ASS WHEN THEY FOUND OUT I

WASN'T A DUDE.

>> Early: THEY CALL IT

"MAN-AGEMENT," GRANNY.

HELL, IT AIN'T "WOMAN-AGEMENT."

I MEAN, LET'S BE REAL.

YOU CAN'T MAKE NO BABIES NO DAMN

MORE, YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' UPSTAIRS, YOU LOOK LIKE

SOMETHIN' THAT COME OUT THE ASS

OF A DAMN DOG.

I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU,

REALLY? I MEAN, DAMN.

>> Granny: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S

NEXT.

I'M GONNA ORGANIZE THE

WORKFORCE, AND WE'RE GONNA MARCH

TO WASHINGTON, AND I'M GONNA

FILE AN ANTI-DISCRIMINATION

SUIT!

AGEIST, SEXIST BASTARDS!

[ SHOTGUN COCKS ]

>> Early: LESS PAPERWORK.

>> Granny: ALL RIGHT!

GET YOUR ASSES ON THE FLOOR!

[ SHOTGUN CLICKS ]

HEY, IT'S ON SAFETY.

OHH!

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]