Original subtitles

[ STATIC ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [ SINGING IN SPANISH ]

[ SHOUTING IN SPANISH ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ STATIC ]

>> Sheriff: THIS IS THE SHERIFF

WITH AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST.

>> BLACK ICE ADVISORY! [ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Sheriff: DENNY. CUT THAT OUT.

WE'RE EXPECTING A QUARTER-INCH

OF FLURRIES.

>> BLIZZARD 2011!

>> Sheriff: DENNY! CUT IT OUT.

>> WELL, I'M TRYING TO FIND IT.

[ UP-TEMPO ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYS ]

THERE WE GO.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST.

>> Sheriff: REMAIN IN YOUR HOME.

THIS IS A BIG ONE, FOLKS! [ EXPLOSION ]

>> SNOW KATRINA!

>> Sheriff: DENNY, DAMN IT!

>> ON KOOL 100!

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Sheriff: BACK AWAY FROM THE

DAMN CART MACHINE.

>> Rusty: HEY, GRANNY.

LOOKY THERE -- A SNOWFLAKE!

GRANNY, A SNOWFLAKE!

LOOK AT THIS SNOWFLAKE, GRANNY!

I THINK IT'S REAL!

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Early: [ SIGHS ]

[ GUN COCKS ] BLIZZARD'S OVER.

>> Rusty: LOOK! ANOTHER ONE!

LOOK! DADDY, LOOK! [ SIZZLE! ]

>> Granny: OOH!

THAT ONE'S A TINGLER.

>> Rusty: HEY, GRANNY.

CHECK THIS OUT.

I'M SLEDDIN'! WHOO-HOO!

OW! >> Granny: MY TURN!

LET ME GET MY...

BOOGIE BOARD!

[ HORN HONKS ]

>> Early: Y'ALL QUIT PLAYING OUT

HERE, NOW!

WE UNDER A BLACK-ICE ADVISORY!

I'M-A GOING INTO TOWN AND FETCH

US SOME SUPPLIES.

[ TECHNO PLAYS ]

YEAH.

IT'S FLIPPED OVER IN A DITCH.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GET OVER

TO WORK TILL THE MONEY-CHECK DAY

COMES.

>> DAN HALEN: It sounds like

You're at a gentlemen's club.

>> Early: WELL, I AIN'T.

I'M FLIPPED OVER IN A DAMN

DITCH!

>> DAN HALEN: I hear the sordid,

repetitive beat, the clapping of

buttock upon a greased chrome

pole.

>> Early: WELL, YEAH.

THAT -- THAT'S THE DITCH.

I suppose I could tele-drink.

>> Dan Halen: OH, NO, NO, DON'T

BOTHER.

I'LL JUST HAVE GLENN COVER FOR

YOU.

>> EARLY: You'll never know I

was gone! [ BEEP ]

>> OH, NO.

>> Dan Halen: GLENN, I'M GONNA

NEED YOU TO SNIFF ALL THESE

TONER CARTRIDGES AND THEN

PROPOSITION GAYLE IN ACCOUNTING

WITH A DILDO CRAFTED FROM A

SHIPPING TUBE.

>> ALL RIGHT, THEN.

HAVE A GOOD'N.

>> Early: YOU'D BETTER BE

SHAKING THEM THANGS A LITTLE

BETTER THAN YOU'RE DOING NOW,

'CAUSE I AIN'T CHUBBIN' OUT ON

THIS MESS AT ALL!

>> SORRY, EARLY.

ALL THE GIRLS CALLED IN.

IT'S A BLACK-ICE ADVISORY.

>> Early: FINE.

S'POSE YOU CAN CRUSH THIS HERE

CAN WITH THEM MUD FLAPS?

>> SURE 'NUFF.

>> Rusty: YOU GOT SOME BOTTLE

CAPS FOR YOUR EYES AND GOT THIS

BROKEN FIFTH BOTTLE FOR YOUR

MOUTH.

AND FOR YOU NOSE, AIRPLANE

TRAVEL SIZE.

OH, AND I CAN'T FORGET...

A BIG ASS PUD!

WHOO!

>> HELLO, RUSTY.

>> Rusty: SNOWMAN?

>> YOU'VE BROUGHT ME TO LIFE!

WOW. USED AN AWFUL LOT OF EMPTIES.

THEY USUALLY DO A CARROT FOR THE

NOSE, SON, BUT, UH, THAT'S --

THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE.

>> Rusty: WELL, DADDY SAYS

CARROTS IS EXPENSIVE. >> THEY'RE A VEGETABLE.

YOU KNOW THEY IMPROVE YOUR

EYESIGHT.

>> Rusty: DADDY SAYS HE DOUBLES

HIS VISION WITH THE THOUGHTLESS

GENTLEMAN BRAND BOURBON DRINKIN'

WHISKEY. >> OF COURSE HE DOES.

COME WITH ME, RUSTY.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL FATHER

DOES.

BESIDES, THIS BRAND-NEW KITE'S

NOT GONNA FLY ITSELF!

>> Rusty: NEW KITE?! WHOO-HOO!

SNOW DADDY!

I'M DOING IT! YEAH!

>> Granny: POOR THING.

HE AIN'T GOT NOBODY DECENT IN

HIS LIFE, SO HE HAS TO MAKE

HIMSELF A LITTLE FAKE PLAYMATE

TO GIVE HIM SOME COMFORT.

OH, THAT'S JUST PATHETIC.

AIN'T IT, JESUS?

YES, IT IS. >> HEY!

>> Rusty: WATCH OUT, HERE COMES ANOTHER!

>> HO HO! YOU GOT ME!

>> Rusty: WHOO!

>> "AND IT FORMS A BARRIER OF

CARBON DIOXIDE.

WE MUST ACT NOW SO IT ISN'T THE

END.

THE END."

WOW! THEY LIGHT UP WHEN YOU WALK!

THEY'RE LIKE SPACE SHOES!

>> Rusty: I LOVE YOU, DADDY!

>> HEY! I'M GONNA HANG THAT ON MY

REFRIGERATOR.

>> WHOA-HO-HO-HO!

>> Rusty: WHOO-HOO! SNOW DADDY!

OW!

>> OH, MY. THAT'S QUITE A SPILL, BUDDY.

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> Rusty: OH, IT AIN'T NOTHING

BUT A THANG.

>> ISN'T.

ISN'T NOTHING BUT A --

WELL, THAT'S A -- THAT'S A

DOUBLE NEGATIVE.

OH. WONDERFUL.

LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP.

>> Early: HEY, BOY!

I BROUGHT YOU SOME CHICKEN BONES

AND USED NAPKINS, JUST LIKE YOU

LIKE IT!

>> Rusty: I'M GOOD, EARLY.

WE HAD US A SENSIBLE SALAD.

TURNS OUT CARROTS AIN'T EXPENSIVE AT ALL.

>> Early: "WE"?!

>> Rusty: YEAH, MY SNOW DADDY

TOOK ME.

>> Early: "SNOW DADDY"?!

HELL!

THERE'S ONLY ONE DADDY IN THIS

DAMN FAMILY, AND THE LAST TIME I

CHECKED, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS

TOO DAMN BROKE TO PAY FOR YOUR

MAMA'S ABORTION! >> Rusty: HE'S MORE PRESENT IN

MY LIFE THAN YOU ARE.

>> Early: OH, IS THAT RIGHT?

[ TV TURNS ON ]

>> Rusty: HE'S GONNA WANT ME TO

RUN THAT CHANNEL KNOB FOR HIM.

>> Early: HEY!

THIS HERE'S STUCK ON 4!

I WANT 9!

>> I UNDERSTAND.

LOOK, I'LL BE HERE WHEN...

WHENEVER YOU NEED ME.

>> Early: REMOTE!

GET ON IN HERE!

>> Rusty: I'M COMING!

[ SCREAMING ] OOH!

MORNING, SNOW DADDY! HEY, YOU WANT TO GO HAUL ASS

DOWN THAT SLEDDING HILL?

>> LET'S DO SOMETHING THAT'LL

KEEP YOU SLEDDING SAFELY INTO

RETIREMENT! >> Rusty: WHAT THE HELL'S THAT?

>> THEY'RE PENCILS.

IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR G.E.D.

>> Rusty: DADDY SAYS I AIN'T

DON'T NOT NEVER, NOT EVER CUT

OUT FOR NO PENCIL-PUSHING DESK

JOB. >> QUINTUPLE NEGATIVE!

LOOK, SON. I'M NOT GONNA LAST FOREVER.

WHEN I GO, I NEED TO KNOW YOU'VE

GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO GET OUT OF

THIS TOWN.

YOU CAN FINALLY LIVE MY DREAM OF

BECOMING A NOTARY!

>> Rusty: A NOTARY?

>> OH, MAN. IT'S AWESOME!

AND I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY BEEN

ONE IF I HADN'T GOTTEN YOUR

FREAKIN' SNOW MOM PREGNANT BACK

WHEN WE WERE 16.

THEN I HAD TO JOIN THE ARMY.

KISS THOSE THREE YEARS GOODBYE.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE

DIVORCED, I'M STRANDED UP HERE,

SCRAMBLING FOR A JOB.

>> Rusty: YOU GOT YOU A WHOLE

BACK STORY, DON'T YOU?

>> RUSTY, YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONNA

BE GETTING JOBS FIVE YEARS FROM

NOW, AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE

DOING?

DICKING AROUND IN A MUD PIT

BANGING A PIE TIN AND CALLING IT

A TAMBOURINE!

>> Rusty: THIS AIN'T NO

TAMBOURINE. YOU USE IT FOR, UH, MOON

TRAVELING AND ASTRONAUTRY.

>> Early: OVER HERE, SON!

>> Early: NOT YOU, YOU LITTLE

SON OF A BITCH!

THIS ONE!

HERE, SNOW RUSTY.

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FIRST CHAW,

NOW. >> Rusty: AW, MAN.

HE WAS GONNA TEACH ME HOW TO DIP

THIS YEAR! >> Early: DON'T YOU WANT TO BE

BIG AND STRONG LIKE

CHIPPER JONES?

>> YOU KNOW, SMOKELESS TOBACCO

IS DIRECTLY LINKED TO MOUTH

CANCER. >> Early: AND LOOK HERE, IT'S

THAT ADVENTUREMAN BACKPACK YOU

HAD TO HAVE SO DAMN BAD.

>> Rusty: H-HOLD ON A SECOND.

NOW, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY

BACKPACK! >> Early: I WOULD HAVE GOT IT

FOR MY OTHER SON, BUT HE SUCKS!

>> Rusty: THAT'S MY BACKPACK!

>> IT'S A PLASTIC GROCERY BAG

FROM THE LIQUOR STORE.

COME ON, LET'S GO. HE'S OLD NEWS.

>> Early: YEAH. GO ON!

IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, THEN

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO JUMP OUT THE

POT AND INTO THE PAN AND...

BACK OUT THE PAN, INTO THE POT.

'CAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING COOKING

IN THIS HERE KITCHEN, AND IT'S

CALLED FATHERHOOD!

I DON'T KNOW WHY I MADE YOU.

HELL, I DON'T EVEN LIKE

YOUNGERNS.

COME ON.

GET ON IN HERE AND CHANGE MY

CHANNEL. [ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ]

>> Rusty: OKAY, NOW, I'M-A CARRY

THE "E" AND STICK IT ON THE 2?

>> NO. NO.

>> Rusty: IS THAT WHAT I DO?

>> LOOK, WE WENT OVER THIS!

WHAT KIND OF ASININE MOUNTAIN

MATH DID HE TEACH YOU?

>> Rusty: WELL, TECHNICALLY, I'M

NOT EVEN REALLY TAKING A TEST

HERE.

I MEAN, THIS IS ALL FANTASY --

FUN AND GAMES, RIGHT?

>> NO!

YOUR FUTURE IS RIDING ON THIS!

COME ON, GET BACK TO IT.

IT'S PENCILS DOWN IN 45 MINUTES!

>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT, THEN.

>> Early: WELL, I GUESS IT'S

JUST YOU AND ME NOW.

>> EARLY?

>> Early: THAT'S RIGHT. EARLY.

AND YOU ABOUT TO GET A DIRTY

DEED DONE DIRT CHEAP!

IT -- IT TAKES ABOUT A MINUTE TO

GET WARM.

>> I, UH...

I THINK IT'S UNPLUGGED.

>> Early: NAW, GIVE IT A MINUTE.

>> YEAH. IT'S UNPLUGGED.

>> Early: OH, DAMN IT!

IT'S UNPLUGGED!

AAH! HELP! HELP!

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

>> Rusty: [ Voice breaking ] OH,

DADDY! OH, NO! DADDY!

>> Granny: OH, EARLY!

MY BABY BOY! MY BABY!

YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS --

OOH, THIS IS SOFT.

AND COFFEE?

CAN I GET A LITTLE SPLASH?

>> LOOK, RUSTY. I KNOW IT HURTS.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING KEEPING YOU

HERE NOW. LEAVE!

GET OUT OF THIS TOWN...

AND SET THE NOTARY PUBLIC WORLD

ON FIRE!

>> Rusty: I KIND OF THINK YOU'RE

TRYING TO LIVE YOUR DREAM OF

BEING A NOTARY PUBLIC THROUGH

ME. >> IT'S EASY MONEY!

"RUSTY THE NOTARY."

YOU KNOW, IT HAS A RING TO IT.

>> Rusty: BUT I'M NOT RUSTY THE

NOTARY.

AND I'M NOT RUSTY THE SNOWMAN.

I'M RUSTY THE CUYLER!

>> OOH!, OOH! HOT COFFEE!

MELTING HERE!

>> Sheriff: WELL, THERE'S NO USE

FOR A LAWMAN WITHOUT

LAWLESSNESS.

I'M GOIN' IN.

>> Rusty: NO, SIR.

THIS ONE'S MINE.

>> Sheriff: YOU CAN DO IT,

RUSTY!

I'VE GOT FAITH IN YOU, SON!

>> Rusty: GONNA FIND MY DADDY!

>> Sheriff: YOU CAN DO IT, BOY.

GO GET HIM!

>> Rusty: I CAN'T SEE HIM!

IT'S SO DARK AND COLD!

>> Early: HE'S DOWN THERE.

TRY 'ROUND THAT RUBBER TIRE!

HE MIGHT BE OVER THERE.

>> Sheriff: EARLY?

>> Early: NO. I'M THE GHOST OF EARLY!

JIGGIDY BOO!

>> Granny: OH! IT'S A HAINT!

DON'T HURT ME!

>> Early: JIGGIDY BOO!

>> Sheriff: THAT MUST MEAN I SEE

DEAD PEOPLE.

MAMA ALWAYS SAID I HAD A

SPECIAL -- [ ICE CRACKS ]

WHOA!

>> OKAY, Y'ALL. REMAIN CALM.

I AM IN CHAR--

[ CROWD GASPS ]

[ ALL SCREAM ]

>> Rusty: I'LL SAVE ALL THEM

OTHER PEOPLE, BUT FIRST I GOT TO

FIND MY DADDY! DON'T GIVE UP, DADDY!

>> Early: HELL, I WON'T.

>> Rusty: DADDY?

>> Early: COME ON, NOW.

YOU GET ON OUT OF THERE.

>> Rusty: DADDY!

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

>> Early: AW, SON.

YOU KNOW, YOU WAS ALWAYS ON MY

MIND. 'CEPT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO

MAINTAIN AN ERECTION, YOU KNOW.

[ ALL SCREAM ]

RIGHT NOW WHAT I WANT TO DO IS

HANG OUT WITH MY SON!

>> Rusty: YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

>> Early: NAW. >> Rusty: HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?

>> Early: NAW. TURN. >> Rusty: WHAT ABOUT THIS?

>> Early: TURN IT. NO, UNH! UNH!

>> Rusty: THIS IS THE BEST DAY

EVER. >> Early: NO, AGAIN.

>> Rusty: I LIKE THIS ONE. >> Early: NAW. HELL NAW.

>> Rusty: YOU DON'T LIKE THAT?

>> Early: CHANGE.

>> Rusty: HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?

>> Early: NAW. TURN IT AGAIN.

>> Rusty: HERE YOU GO.

>> Early: THAT'S AWFUL.

>> Rusty: HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?

IS THAT THE ONE YOU WANT TO SEE? >> Early: NO. THAT SUCKS.

>> Rusty: YOU WANT TO GO THAT

ONE? >> Early: CHANGE IT.

>> Rusty: SHOULD I GO BACK ONE?

>> Early: DO IT AGAIN. TURN IT.

>> Rusty: HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?

>> Early: NAW.

>> Rusty: YOU LIKE THIS? >> Early: NAW.

>> Rusty: YOU WANT THIS ONE? >> Early: NAW. HELL NAW.

TURN IT.