Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> George Jones: ♪ SHE RUN OFF AND TOOK OUR ONLY CHICKEN ♪

♪ WHEN I BROKE JAIL, THE HOUSE WAS BURNT AND BARE ♪

♪ THE JAPS, THEY MOVED THE PLANT BACK TO OSAKI ♪

♪ SOME DAYS, LIFE JUST DOESN'T SEEM THAT FAIR ♪

♪ AND I DON'T CARE ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> AND NOW BACK TO BROCK "LIBERTY" BELL!

ARE YOU READY TO BROCK?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

BROCK BELL HERE ON COOL A.M.

1680, THE HEAT!

LET'S CHAP SOME HIDES AND WHIP SOME OPINIONS INTO SHAPE!

[ WHIP CRACKS ] WE GOT EARLY IN DOUGAL COUNTY.

YOU'RE ON THE HEAT SEAT.

WHAT'S CHAPPIN' YOUR HIDE, FRIEND?

>> Early: UH... >> YES, SIR, CALLER.

>> Early: IS IT ME ON THE RADIO NOW?

>> [ SIGHS ] YES, YOU ARE, CALLER. GO AHEAD.

>> Early: AM I THE NINTH CALLER?

I MEAN, DO I GET THEM RANDY TRAVIS TICKETS?

>> SIR, THE RANDY TRAVIS-GANZA WAS TWO WEEKS AGO.

COULD YOU PLEASE JUST STATE YOUR BUSINESS?

>> Early: UH, YEAH.

I-I WANT TO SAY THAT THE PROBLEM WITH THE ECONOMY IS, UH, THERE

AIN'T NO DAMN JOBS.

I MEAN, I BEEN OUT OF WORK SINCE FRIDAY AT 5:00, AND I'M GOING

BACK TO WORK MONDAY, BUT I AIN'T A-GONNA LIKE IT.

>> SIR, THAT'S CALLED THE WEEKEND.

AND I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY STILL BALLS-DEEP IN THE MIDDLE

OF IT, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY TUESDAY FOR THE REST OF US.

>> Early: LOOK, I CAN'T COLLECT MY UNEMPLOYMENT THANKS TO BIG

GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRATS' RED-TAPE TALK!

AIN'T ONE OF 'EM EVER GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER AS TO WHY I

CAN'T GET NO UNEMPLOYMENT MONEY CHECK, 'CAUSE I AIN'T WORKING ON

THE WEEKEND!

>> I AGREE, SIR.

THE GOVERNMENT IS OUT OF CONTROL, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU

ARE TOO, BUDDY.

YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND PICK THOSE DRAWERS OFF THE FLOOR.

YOU JUST GOT OPINION-WHIPPED.

[ WHIP CRACKS ] >> YOU'VE BEEN OPINION-WHIPPED!

>> Early: YOU GOT A BIG OL' MOUTH, SON.

YOU GOT YOURSELF A BIG OL' BODY TO BACK UP --

[ DIAL TONE ] WHAT IN THE DAMN...

>> ANOTHER TELEPHONE TOUGH GUY.

I'M HERE EVERY DAY, PAL, 3:00 TO 6:00.

>> CHAPPIN' HIDES ON THE FIVES!

BROCK BELL!

>> WHOA, WHOA. HANG ON, HOSS.

WE'RE ON THE AIR -- AAH!

OOH! EEH! AAH! OOH!

>> Early: OKAY, WE GONNA TAKE A QUICK STATION BREAK RIGHT QUICK.

>> AAH! EEH! AAH!

>> Early: AND WHEN WE COME BACK...

>> AAH!

>> Early: ...THE GROUND ZERO MOSQUE...

>> OOH!

>> Early: ...NO OR HELL NO?

>> YOU'RE LISTENING TO COOL A.M.

1680, THE HEAT!

>> Sheriff: DANG IT, EARLY.

COOL 1680, THE HEAT, IS WHERE I GET ALL MY OPINIONS.

NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?

>> Early: WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO THINK FOR

YOURSELF.

I MEAN, HELL, THAT'S HOW I GOT WHERE I AM TODAY.

>> Sheriff: AH, NOW THEY'RE JUST FILLING TIME WITH THAT EXTENDED

"LAYLA" SOLO.

>> Dan Halen: SOUND-ALIKE!

SLOWHAND WILL GET NOTHING FROM ME.

EARLY, YOU HAVE SOME STRONG AND UNSUPPORTABLE OPINIONS.

>> Early: A WISE HAT ONCE TOLD ME "ROCK OUT WITH YOUR JOCK"

"OUT" -- DAYTONA '86.

THAT'S KIND OF BECOME A MANTRA FOR ME.

>> Dan Halen: WELL, I FAIL TO SEE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH

ANYTHING, BUT I ADMIRE YOUR PASSION, AND I THINK YOU HAVE

THE FIRE TO FEED THE HEAT!

>> LIVE FROM OUR MOUNTAINTOP BUNKER IN DOUGAL COUNTY ON COOL

1680, THE HEAT -- YOU CAN'T SPELL "FREEDOM," YOU CAN'T

SPELL "LIBERTY," YOU CAN'T SPELL "U.S.A." WITHOUT

THE BIG "E"!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] >> Early: THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

WE GOT A LOT TO GET DONE TODAY, SO LET'S GET STARTED WITH IT.

THE CHURCH SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN THE SCHOOLS, AND THE SCHOOLS

SHOULD BE PART OF THE DAMN CHURCH!

NOW, YOU MIGHT SAY, "BIG 'E,' HEY, YOU QUIT SCHOOLING IN THE

SECOND GRADE."

THAT'S RIGHT.

I WAS 16, AND I HAD A FAMILY AND A SUCCESSFUL CAREER CASTRATING

AND ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATING BULLS BEFORE I WAS UNJUSTLY

DISMISSED FOR MATING A HEIFER WITH A POTBELLY PIG FOR MY OWN

DAMN AMUSEMENT.

I DONE BEEN DISCRIMINATED UPON BY THE P.C. POLICE!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ] AND WE GOT RUSTY IN DOUGAL

COUNTY. RUSTY, WHAT'S FLIPPIN' YOUR LID, BIG BOY?

>> Rusty: HEY, BIG "E."

I HEARD WHAT YOU WAS SAYING AND EVERYTHING, BUT DON'T THE

CONSTITUTION CALL FOR SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND --

>> Early: NOW -- NOW, YOU HANG ON NOW, AND I LET YOU SAY WHAT

YOU WANT TO SAY.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME.

"ONE NATION UNDER GOD."

WHAT'S THAT MEAN TO YOU?!

>> Rusty: WELL, BIG "E," NOW, THAT'S NOT THE POINT I WAS

TRYING TO MAKE -- >> Early: AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!

NOW, JUST HANG ON THERE, BUBBA.

LET ME TALK!

TO ME, THAT MEANS THAT JESUS IS THE PRESIDENT AND THE COMMANDER

IN CHIEF OF THE ARMED FORCES AND NATO AND THE SPECIAL OPS AND THE

007s AND ALL THEM OTHER 00ers.

HELL, HE RUNS THEM ALL FROM HEAVEN!

>> Rusty: I'M PRETTY SURE THE CONSTITUTION AND THE BIBLE ARE

TWO SEPARATE DOCUMENTS.

>> Early: OLD BENJAMIN FRANKLIN DID NOT DIE UPON THE CROSS SO

YOU COULD SPOUT THAT MESS TO ME!

CONSIDER YOUR LID FLIPPED, SON!

>> Rusty: WAIT A MINUTE! I -- [ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> FLUSHED! [ DIAL TONE ] >> Early: GRANNY IN DOUGAL

COUNTY.

WELL, WHAT'S FLIPPIN' YOUR LID, LITTLE GAL?

>> Granny: THANKS FOR TAKING MY CALL.

IS THIS THE NUMBER THAT SENDS THE PEOPLE IN THE HELPY VAN TO

MY HOUSE? AAAH!

[ DIAL TONE ] >> Early: ANOTHER DAMN

LID-FLIPPER A-LOOKIN' FOR A HANDOUT.

I'M LOCKING YOU IN THE FREEDOM BOX!

>> LOCKED IN THE FREEDOM BOX!

[ POUNDING ] >> Dan Halen: THE CREAM!

MENTION THE CREAM!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] >> Early: LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, FRIENDS.

THE ONLY THING I LOVE MORE THAN GOD ALMIGHTY HISSELF AND AMERICA

IS DAN HALEN'S NEW "UNITED WE TAN, DIVIDED WE BALD" HAIR

RESTORATION AND TANNING CREAM.

SHAMPOO? IT'S A HOT-DAMN 'POO!

I MEAN, I'VE GOT HAIR LIKE A WILD-ASS BEAST, AND I'M TANNED

LIKE THE HIDE OF A LEATHER FOOTBALL.

JUST LOOK AT MY LONG, LUXURIOUS MANE, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE

THE WEBCAM'S DOWN.

COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK, I GOT ME A MESSAGE FOR THE ACLU.

ACLU IN HELL! WHOO!

MY LID IS FLIPPED!

>> YOU'RE LISTENING TO YOUR NEW OPINION, COURTESY OF THE

BIG "E"!

>> Dan Halen: EARLY, THAT WAS GREAT.

TALK MORE ABOUT THE CREAM.

UTILIZE THE CREAM IN YOUR BELIEFS.

REMEMBER -- THE CREAM!

>> THE BIG "E" IS BACK AND SHOOTING FROM THE HIP, WHERE

THE BRAINS ARE WHAT COME UP WITH THE IDEAS!

>> Early: MARRIAGE IS A DIVINE INSTITUTION BETWEEN ONE MAN AND

ONE WOMAN, WHERE THE MAN OWNS THE WOMAN UNLESS THE BITCH RUNS

AROUND ON THE MAN WITH AN ENTIRE LANDSCAPING CREW OF MEXICAN

ILLEGALS, THEN THE MAN SHOULD KILL THAT CHEATING-ASS WHORE.

USE THE CREAM.

>> WELL, WHAT IF THE MAN'S A HALF-PINT RUNT-STICK WHO CAN'T

KEEP UP WITH ME IN THE SACK?

>> Early: [ SNIFFLES ] THEY SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO

WORK IT OUT FOR THE YOUNG'ERN.

USE THE DAMN CREAM!

>> ARE YOU READY TO GET YOUR LID FLIPPED?

IT'S THE BIG "E"!

>> Early: EVERY LIFE IS SACRED, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SUMBITCH WE

TRIED TO ABORT.

THAT FREELOADING SPERM-BLOSSOM AIN'T WORTH A WHEAT PENNY.

YOU LISTENING, BOY?

YOU BEST DRY THAT DAMN THING WITH A CHAMOIS CLOTH!

I DON'T WANT NO WATER SPOTS!

USE THE CREAM!

>> GET THE CREAM IN YOU!

EARLY CUYLER ON COOL 1680, THE HEAT!

>> Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

DEATH PANELS.

BIG GOVERNMENT GONNA DECIDE WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE.

>> Granny: OH, NO.

>> Early: YOU WANT THAT FOR YOUR GRANDPARENTS?

I MIGHT.

>> Granny: [ GASPS ] >> Early: COULD MAKE IT EASIER

ON ME.

I MEAN, JUST 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T ALL THERE DON'T MEAN YOU CAN'T

OPERATE A BUFF CLOTH.

NOW, LET'S PUT AMERICA BACK TO WORK!

YOU HEAR ME YOU OLD, FEEBLE BITCH?

USE THE CREAM.

>> TRAIN YOUR SEMIAUTOMATIC CROSSHAIRS ON THE LIBERAL

BULLMESS.

[ GUNSHOT ] >> Sheriff: EARLY, I'M THE

SHERIFF.

I PROVIDE A SERVICE.

>> Early: YOU'RE TAKING MY TAX DOLLARS AND REDISTRIBUTIZING IT

TO YOUR POCKET.

THAT'S MARXISM THERE, RED.

>> Sheriff: WELL, YOU KNOW, I-I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT QUITE

THAT WAY. >> Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

I FLIPPED YOUR LID!

>> Sheriff: WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED, BIG "E."

YOU SURE DID!

>> FLIPPING THE LIDS OF THE LID FLIPPERS!

>> Early: I'M ARMED AND DANGEROUS WITH A TRUTH-BULLET

GUN, AND I FIRED TRUTH IN YOUR BRAIN AT CLOSE RANGE.

>> PUMP YOUR SAWED-OFF THOUGHT GUNS WITH THE BIG "E."

[ GUNSHOT ] [ DIAL TONE ]

>> Sheriff: AW, CHILL OUT, LUTHER.

JUST THINK -- SOON YOU'LL BE REUNITED UP IN HEAVEN WITH, UH,

THAT GIRL YOU...STRANGLED.

>> Early: AND WHAT'S NEXT?

PEOPLE GONNA MARRY A PAINT CAN OR A ORANGUTAN OR A PERSON OF

THE SAME SEX JUST 'CAUSE THEY LOVE IT SO DAMN MUCH?

>> YOU'RE LISTENING TO YOUR NEW OPINION, COURTESY OF THE

BIG "E."

LID FLIPPED!

>> Early: USE THE CREAM!

>> TWO CREAMS! >> Early: THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE!

I AM LOCKED AND LOADED WITH OPINIONS.

AND I'M GONNA SHOOT WASHINGTON, D.C., STRAIGHT IN

THE EAR WITH MY BRAIN ISSUES.

[ GUNSHOT ] >> THE ORIGINAL STRAIGHT

SHOOTER, THE BIG "E," SHOOTING THE BREEZE AND SHOOTING THE

TRUTH!

[ MACHINE-GUN FIRE ] >> Early: YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA

TAKE THIS HERE GUN AWAY FROM ME?

>> GUNS! TRUTH! GUNS! TRUTH!

BANG!

>> Early: TRY TO THINK AGAIN WITH NO SKULL MEAT.

>> HE'S A COWBOY. [ GUNSHOT ] [ EXPLOSION ]

[ BOING! ] [ EXPLOSION ]

[ GUNSHOTS ] >> Early: COME ON, NOW!

GIVE IT HERE! ALL OF IT, BABY!

IN THE BAG! WHOO!

>> THE BIG "E" IN MY STORE.

WELL, HOT GRAVY IN THE MORNING.

>> Early: THAT'S RIGHT. SMALL-BUSINESS MAN.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU GUYS.

NOW, YOU GET YOUR ASS ON THE FLOOR AND SHUT THE HELL UP!

>> WELL, BOY, I THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE MORE HAIR USING THE CREAM.

>> Early: I SAID DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!

WHERE THE HELL'S MY BOOK KIOSK?

HOW THE HELL YOU EXPECT TO MOVE UNITS?

YOU GOT TO GET THE STANDEE OUT HERE, DRAW IN THE FOOT TRAFFIC.

I GOT A BOOK SIGNING WITH A MEET-AND-GREET HERE IN 15

MINUTES!

>> SHOULD WE GO ON IN AND GET HIM?

>> Sheriff: NAH, BIG "E" SAID THAT'D BE SOCIALIST, AND THE

TRUTH IS A GUN THAT DON'T SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE TRUTH-BANG,

SOMETHING, SOMETHING SHOOT-BANG.

YOU KNOW, HE JUST PUTS IT SO WELL, AND I CAN'T GET CLOSE TO

WHAT HE SAYS.

>> HELL, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OFF THE BEACH IN DESTIN.

>> Sheriff: THEN GIVE ME SOME MORE NOW.

COME ON. ALL THE WAY, BABY.

>> WHICH ONE YOU WANT?

"UNITED WE TAN" OR "DIVIDED WE BALD"?

>> Sheriff: AH, DO 'EM BOTH, DENNY.

YOU KNOW WHAT BIG "E" SAYS.

"JUST USE THE CREAM."

>> Early: "TO GLENN'S WIFE, FINEST PIECE OF TAIL IN THE

REGION."

>> SHE'S A BIG FAN, SO, UH, THIS "X" WILL REALLY MEAN A LOT TO

HER.

>> Early: I CAN NEITHER READ NOR WRITE.

NEXT!

BIG 'UN WITH YOUR SKI MASK.

YOU HERE TO SHOOT THE TRUTH WITH THE ORIGINAL SHOOT-TRUTHER?

[ GUNSHOT, CROWD GASPS ] [ MONITOR BEEPING ]

>> Early: [ GROANS ] >> Rusty: DADDY!

DADDY, YOU'RE ALIVE!

>> Early: [ GRUMBLES ] >> Granny: OH, WHAT'S HE

CARRYING ON ABOUT?

>> Rusty: DADDY SAYS HE NEEDS TO GET BACK TO HIS RIGHT-WING RADIO

PROGRAM.

>> Dan Halen: NO. SORRY, EARLY.

YOU'RE NO LONGER THE RIGHT SPOKESMAN FOR MY PATENTED

TWO-CREAM SYSTEM.

BROCK BELL REPLACED YOU TWO WEEKS AGO, RIGHT AFTER HE SHOT

YOU.

>> Early: [ Muffled ] WHAT THE HELL?

>> BROCK "LIBERTY" BELL GLAD TO BE BACK CHAPPIN' HIDES AND

WHIPPIN' OPINIONS.

BACK AT YA BETTER THAN EVER.

WELL, THIS LEG'S STILL GOT PINS IN IT.

>> Rusty: DADDY SAYS HE'S GONNA TAKE HIS SHOW UNDERGROUND.

HE'S GONNA TAKE YOU AND BROCK BELL ON ALL BY HIMSELF.

>> Early: [ MUMBLING ] >> Rusty: DADDY, HE'S ALREADY

GONE.

YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SAY THAT?

>> Early: [ MUMBLES ANGRILY ] >> Rusty: NOW GET YOUR ASS ON

OUT OF HERE!

>> Early: [ MUMBLING ] [ KEYS TAPPING ]

>> Granny: AMEN, BIG "E"!

THEM MEXICANS ARE TAKING OUR JOBS!

>> Rusty: NO, GRANNY.

UH, HE'S ACTUALLY TRASHING HEALTHCARE RIGHT NOW.

>> Granny: WELL, THAT DON'T MEAN I DON'T STILL AGREE.

>> Rusty: SHOULD WE TELL HIM THAT'S A PINECONE HE'S TALKING

INTO?

>> Early: [ GRUMBLING ] >> Granny: [ Whispers ] WE'LL

TELL HIM AT THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

[ DOOR OPENS ] >> Sheriff: UH, HEY, BIG "E."

UH, WHICH CREAM GOES WHERE, NOW?

>> George Jones: ♪ CRYSTAL ♪ ♪ HOTTER THAN A $2 PISTOL ♪

♪ I'M FIXIN' TO STOP LOVING YOU TODAY ♪

♪ CRYSTAL ♪ [ WHISTLES ]

GIRL, YOU HEAR THAT WHISTLE.

IT'S THE SOUND OF THE WIND BLOWING THROUGH THAT BULLET HOLE

IN YOUR SKULL THAT I JUST MADE.

♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ LET 'ER BLOW ♪ ♪ LET HER GO ♪