Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY OLDEST SON WAS BORN AN ALBINO ♪

♪ MY YOUNGEST ONE'S COVERED UP IN HAIR ♪

♪ THE MIDDLE ONE SAYS HE'S HOMOSEXUAL ♪

♪ AND THE OTHER SEVEN HAVE GONE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE ♪

♪ I JUST DON'T CARE ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

HEY! HOW YOU DOIN' THERE?

WHAT'LL IT BE TODAY?

>> OH.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS FULL-SERVICE.

>> Early: YES, SIR!

>> NEAT.

>> Early: THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

>> YOU KNOW, THE PUMP IS ON THE, UM...

>> Early: [ INHALES DEEPLY ] >> OHH.

>> Early: I SEE YOU'RE PARTIAL TO SUPER PREMIUM.

>> YEAH -- 91 OCTANE.

>> Early: [ WHEEZES ] >> IT'S WHAT I LIKE.

>> Early: KICKS LIKE A SUMBITCHIN' MULE!

>> Rusty: HEY, Y'ALL, LOOK WHAT I GOT GRANNY FOR MAMA'S DAY.

>> Early: HEY, GIMME THAT SOAK RAG YOU'S CARRYIN'.

>> Rusty: M-MY WUBBY?

>> Early: DID I STUTTER?

>> UH, SIR?

>> Rusty: WELL, THIS BLANKET'S BEEN THE ONLY RELIABLE PRESENCE

SINCE MY -- >> Early: GIMME THAT THERE.

>> Rusty: NO! NO!

>> Early: [ INHALES DEEPLY ] >> UH, SIR?

[ PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ INDISTINCT ECHOING ]

[ LIQUID BUBBLING ] >> Early: DAMN, SON!

[ SPITS ] WUBBY AIN'T FOOLIN' AROUND, IS

HE?

[ SNORTS ] >> Rusty: HERE YA GO, GRANNY.

>> Granny: OOH, A GIFT?

>> Rusty: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

>> Granny: OOH!

JESUS IS MY FAVORITE!

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

>> Rusty: WELL, YOU CARRY ON ABOUT HIM A LOT AND GIVE ALL

YOUR MONEY TO HIM AND YOU CALL OUT HIS NAME WHENEVER I HEAR

THAT LOUD BUZZIN' AT NIGHT.

>> Granny: OH, THAT'S JUST MY PAGER.

I GET PAGES.

>> Early: WELL, YOU SURE AS HELL GET A LOT OF EXTRA TEXTS BELOW

THE WAIST WHEN YOU WATCHIN' THAT "SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT II."

>> Granny: I HAVE NEEDS!

AND WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET SOME DAMN WALLS IN THIS HOUSE?

>> Early: HERE -- LET ME HANG THAT UP FOR YOU.

>> Granny: NO -- >> Early: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Granny: OHH!

>> Early: [ INHALES SHARPLY ] HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

WHOO!

>> Granny: OHH...

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ] YES, THAT'S RUSTY.

I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT HIM.

I KNOW, ISN'T HE?

SEE, RUSTY, THIS JESUS LIKES TO TALK TO ME.

NOT LIKE THAT OTHER JESUS.

I SUSPECT HE'S ALWAYS TUNIN' ME OUT.

...AND THEN HE WANTED ME TO BUY AN ENTIRE BOOK OF STAMPS.

I SAID, "NO, SIR.

I WAS BORN AT NIGHT, BUT NOT TOMORROW NIGHT.

ONE STAMP, PLEASE -- JUST WHAT I ASKED FOR."

...AND THEN I SAYS, "NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVIN'," AND SHE

AIN'T SAYS NOTHIN' BACK TO ME.

>> MM.

>> Granny: SO I CALLED HER A FILTHY WHORE THAT DON'T RESPECT

HER ELDERS...

...AND THEN HE GOES ON TO TELL ME I CAN'T BE MAILIN' HUMAN

FECES.

AND I SAYS, "I AIN'T NO HUMAN, AND WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

YOU AIN'T GETTIN' IT.

AND YES, I WOULD LIKE TO INSURE IT."

...FOUND OUT THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S A DAMN SMOKE MONSTER AND I

FOUND OUT I WAS TALKIN' TO THE TELEVISION SET.

YEAH, I WAS PRETTY EMBARRASSED AND LONELY THAT DAY.

YOU KNOW, BEIN' WITH YOU AND GOSSIPIN' ON PEOPLE I HATE FILLS

MY HEART WITH HEAVENLY JOY.

I CAN'T SEE YOU TOO GOOD WITHOUT MY GLASSES, BUT I CAN FEEL YOUR

HOLY PRESENCE.

>> OKAY, I THINK I'VE BOUGHT MYSELF A DAY WITH THIS.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> WHY DID YOU EVEN APPEAR TO

HER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

>> SHE SNAPPED A HIP.

I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER.

>> YOU KNOW THEY DON'T HAVE BONES, RIGHT?

>> I KNOW THAT NOW!

>> Granny: YOU CAN COVER YOURSELF UP IN POUNDS OF FAT,

BUT AN ADAM'S APPLE IS AN ADAM'S APPLE.

KIRSTIE ALLEY IS A DUDE!

...AND BOOT THE MOON, AND SHIFT YOUR HIP.

MM! OH!

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DANCER!

WHOO! HEAVENLY JESUS!

>> Rusty: UGH.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYIN' MY GIFT, GRANNY.

>> Granny: GET YOUR OWN! >> Lil: SHUT UP!

>> Granny: JEALOUS OF MY JESUS MUCH?

>> Early: DAMN IT, WOMAN!

SHUT IT DOWN!

>> Granny: A-A-A-A-A-AND...

♪ ONE AND TWO AND THREE, AND THEN SING A HAPPY SONG ♪

>> Lil: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I'M NOT HIGH ENOUGH FOR THIS B.S.

>> Granny: ♪ OH, MY JESUS ♪ ♪ OH, MY JESUS, YOU ARE... ♪

>> Early: SON, GO KILL YOUR GRANDMA.

>> Rusty: NAH, DADDY. >> Early: GO ON, NOW.

PUT HER DOWN.

>> Granny: ♪ ...WITH ME AND MY WALKER -- ♪

[ STOMACH GURGLES ] OHH!

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HOLINESS.

>> Early: I GUESS ALL THAT JIGGLE DANCIN' DONE PLAYED HELL

WITH HER OLD-WOMAN BOWELS.

>> Rusty: DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TO MY MAMA'S DAY GIFT?

>> Early: ALTERATIONS.

>> Granny: WHEW!

THAT ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I EVEN FOUND THE SEAT!

DID YA MISS ME, JESUS?

>> Early: HELL NO, I DIDN'T!

>> Granny: JESUS? YOU SPEAK?

>> Early: AND I SAYETH UNTO YOU, SHUT THINE SLOPPY MOUTH HOLE AND

LIE THEE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT.

>> Granny: OOH!

YOU'RE SO "TAKE CHARGE"!

>> Early: BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!

>> Granny: YES, SIR.

>> Early: BAP! SUCKER PUNCH!

I GOT THE POWER IN ME!

HALLELUJAH!

>> Granny: [ GRUNTING ] >> Early: I DID NOT TELL THEE TO

STOP! >> Granny: OKAY.

OHH.

>> Early: Thou shalt, and thou shalt...

>> Granny: I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> Early: THAT'S MY WORD, AND MY WORD IS THE LAW.

>> Granny: WELL, OKAY. YOU ARE JESUS.

>> Early: GO ON, PILGRIM.

>> Granny: I'M STREAKIN'!

[ CROWD BOOS ] STREAKIN'!

[ LAUGHS ] >> Early: [ COUGHS, SPITS ]

WATER?! I SAID WINE!

>> Granny: YOU SAID YOU COULD CHANGE IT.

>> Early: THE RACE IS ALMOST ON.

JUST GET ME THE STORE-BOUGHT!

BACK THEE UP RIGHT IN HERE!

>> Granny: AND NOW BACK ONE MORE FOOT.

WHOA! RIGHT THERE.

>> Early: DROP THY PAYLOAD.

>> Granny: WHEE!

OHH!

IT'S HIS WILL.

[ ZAPPING ] I AIN'T REALLY DONE THIS BEFORE.

>> Early: JESUS SAYS "SHUT UP."

NOW PLUG THEM DAMN WIRES.

>> Granny: ALL RIGHT.

>> Sheriff: OH, GRANNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

>> Granny: I DON'T KNOW.

>> Early: SHE IS INSTALLIFYING A JAH-CUZZI, AS I HAVE COMMANDED.

>> Sheriff: YOU CAN'T LET HER PUT ELECTRIC WIRES IN THE KOI

POND.

I MEAN, SHE AIN'T LICENSED BY THE STATE OR NOTHIN', YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

>> Granny: I'M LICENSED BY THE LORD.

WHOO!

[ ZAPPING ] OKAY, HOP IN.

>> Early: I MUST MAKE MY LEAVE AND FETCHETH EARLY.

THIS IS MY GIFT TO HIM.

Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD'UN, NOW.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, NOW!

>> Sheriff: GRANNY, JUST KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THOSE BEARIN' FALSE

WITNESS, WILL YA?

>> Granny: WELL, THIS JESUS DOES SEEM TO USE THE "C" WORD QUITE

A LOT.

>> Early: HOT TUB, BABY! WHOO!

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE IN THE HELL IS KENNY CHESNEY?

>> Granny: [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] >> Early: I WAS PROMISED

CHESNEY!

>> Granny: HIS PUBLICIST SAID HE'S ON TOUR UNTIL THE 14th.

>> Early: YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO TELL JESUS.

>> Granny: NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL!

>> Early: YOU'RE A DUMBASS BITCH FOR CROSSIN' JESUS LIKE THAT.

>> Granny: OHH!

>> Early: WHAT IS THIS?!

NO KENNY CHESNEY?!

>> Granny: I KEEP CALLIN' HIS MANAGER, BUT I ONLY GET THE

VOICEMAIL!

>> Early: YOU AIN'T A-GETTIN' INTO HOGWARTS WHEN YOU DIE!

>> Granny: NO!

>> Early: JESUS JUST DECIDED IT!

>> Granny: PLEASE!

>> Early: HEY, SHERIFF, MAYBE THOU SHOULD GOETH AND A-BUYETH

JESUS A PONY KEG.

>> Granny: HE LOVES HIM SOME BEER IN A KEG, PRAISE HIM.

>> Sheriff: JUST GIMME THAT DAMN PAINTIN', EARLY.

>> Early: UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.

[ SHOTGUN COCKS ] I KNOW YOU AIN'T TOUCHIN' JESUS

ON THE FACE, HERE.

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ] [ SNORING ]

>> Rusty: DADDY, GET UP.

>> Early: WHO'S -- WHA-WHAT?

>> Rusty: HEY, MAN, YOU GOT SOME VISITORS.

>> Granny: YEP, SAVIOR RIGHT THIS WAY.

COME ON, FOLKS.

>> Early: UH-OH.

>> Granny: THE ONE AND ONLY, THE MAN ON THE CROSS.

>> WELL, H-HELLO, JESUS.

[ LAUGHS ] DIDN'T SEE YOU IN CHURCH TODAY.

>> Early: WHAT PART OF "DAY OF REST" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

GETETH THEE OFFETH MY PROPERTY, HERE!

[ GUNSHOT ] YOU DIS-ETH-PLEASE-ETH ME-ETH!

>> Sheriff: WELL, NOW, JESUS, IF THAT'S REALLY YOU, WHY DON'T YOU

GO AHEAD AND PROVE IT TO ALL THESE GOOD PEOPLE HERE?

>> Early: FINE.

Y'ALL WANNA SEE YOU SOME MAGIC?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH!

>> HELL YEAH! >> Granny: HEAVENLY JESUS!

>> Early: WATCH ME SAW THIS OLD WOMAN IN HALF!

>> Granny: NO!

[ CROWD GASPS ] >> Sheriff: NO, NO.

NOW, DON'T DO THAT.

LOOK, THIS HERE IS BILLY MORTON.

>> HEY, JESUS.

>> Sheriff: NOW, BILLY'S FATHER NAILED THESE TREE BRANCHES AND

2x4s TO HIM SO HE COULD GET AROUND.

>> Early: WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?

TOUGH NUTS.

[ CROWD BOOS ] THE WAY I WORK IS UN-UNKNOWN TO

ME AND...MYSTERIOFIED AND ALL THAT MESS.

>> Sheriff: I WANT YOU TO HEAL HIM RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.

>> Early: H-HE'S SUPPOSED TO BRING ME THREE GIFTS OR RUB A

LAMP OR SOMETHIN'.

>> Sheriff: UNH-UNH! STOP! >> Early: [ SIGHS ] FINE.

YOUNG PILGRIM, PUT THEM WOODEN HANDS IN MINE.

[ INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS ] Now you go on and get Jesus a

pony keg -- >> Sheriff: NO KEGS, JESUS.

>> Early: DAMN!

>> Sheriff: I WANT TO SEE EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT.

>> Early: ALL RIGHT, FINE.

BILLY, REPEAT AFTER ME.

PART THE LIPS AND PASS THE GUMS.

>> PART THE LIPS AND PASS THE GUMS.

>> Early: WATCH OUT, LIVER.

HERE IT COMES. >> WATCH OUT, LIVER.

HERE IT COMES.

>> Early: AMEN!

>> AMEN.

>> Early: BOOM! I HEALED YE!

STUMBLE IN THE LIGHT.

>> AHH! IT IS HE!

>> Early: YOU DAMN RIGHT IT IS!

>> THE SAVIOR!

>> Early: I'M BACK, BITCHES!

>> HE HAS COME BEFORE US.

>> Early: ALERTETH THE MEDIA! WHOO!

>> REVELATION IS AT HAND!

>> Early: NOW, MY FLOCK, BRING ALL YOUR MONIES UP HERE TO ME!

I HAVE ALSO TWEAKED THE ANCIENT TEXT SO THAT I MIGHT LIE DOWN

WITH GLENN'S WIFE.

RIGHT, GLENN? >> UH...

>> Early: GLENN, DON'T YOU DISPLEASE ME, NOW.

>> YEAH, GO ON UP THERE, HONEY.

>> [ GASPS ] >> HAVE A GOOD'UN.

>> Early: WHOO!

>> JESUS, I LOST MY JOB.

>> I CAN'T SATISFY MY WIFE ANYMORE.

>> Early: UH...

>> WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING?

>> I CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED MY KIDS.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT?

>> Early: UM...

>> CAN YOU END THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN?

>> HEY, THE BULLDOGS GONNA WIN THE S.E.C. THIS YEAR?

>> Early: LET ME JUST THINK ABOUT ALL THAT AND HIT ALL OF

THEE...BACK ON THE FLIP.

[ DOOR SLAMS ] AMEN!

>> [ WHIMPERING ] >> WELL...

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] THAT WAS BRIEF.

>> NOT A LOT OF ANSWERS.

I DIDN'T FIND OUT A LOT OF ANSWERS.

[ CROWD SHOUTING ] >> Early: HEY, Y'ALL.

AW! DID I MISS HIM AGAIN?

>> Sheriff: I THINK YOU'RE LOSIN' THE CROWD, EARLY.

>> Early: HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

HEY, Y'ALL HANG TIGHT, NOW!

LET ME SEE IF JESUS IS STILL BACK HERE.

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ] ALL RIGHT! WHOO! YEAH!

[ CROWD CHEERS ] >> Sheriff: HE MAY NEED TO BRING

OUT HIS "A" GAME HERE.

>> Early: YOU MEAN LIKE GO OUT THERE AND SIGN SOME TITTIES?

>> Sheriff: GONNA TAKE MORE THAN THAT.

>> Early: AW, DAMN IT.

AND NOW I'M GONNA WALK ON THE WATER.

[ CROWD CHEERS ] BEHOLD.

AAH! DAMN IT!

[ FEEDBACK ] YOU KNOW WHAT -- UM, LET'S DO

THIS HERE THING ON TUESDAY.

YEAH, Y'ALL JUST COME ON BACK TUESDAY, NOW.

>> OKAY!

>> Early: IT GONNA HAPPEN.

>> WE'LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY.

>> Early: UH, YOU KNOW THIS DAY IS SLAMMED FOR ME, SO, UH...

>> Granny: OH, HE HAS A VERY BUSY SCHEDULE.

>> Early: LET'S PUSH THIS HERE BACK TO THURSDAY.

>> Sheriff: OH, OKAY, I -- >> Granny: EVERYBODY GOOD FOR

THURSDAY?

>> Early: THURSDAY ONLY, I WILL WALK ON THE WATER.

THAT'S IT.

1st OF AUGUST?

UH, NO.

NO, THAT ONE'S BUSY. TOO.

UH, 3rd -- 3rd OF AUGUST, YEAH.

>> AUGUST 3rd, HUH? WELL...

>> Early: 3rd OF AUGUST -- EVERYBODY WRITE IT IN.

BOOK IT. IT'S HAPPENIN'.

HALLELUJAH!

WE'LL HIT 'ER HARD TOMORROW!

I DID NOT SAY AUGUST 3rd.

I SAID "AUGUST 4th."

BUT NOW IT'S THE 5th, SO I-I RECKON WE MISSED IT.

>> Granny: I KINDA REMEMBER YOU SAYIN' THE 3rd.

>> Early: I AIN'T GONNA DO IT NOW, 'CAUSE YOU QUESTIONIN' ME.

NOBODY GETS TO SEE IT 'CAUSE OF THIS OL' BITCH HERE.

LO, I HAVE DONE AND DONE IT!

BOW DOWN AND KISS MY ASS!

I AM HE!

>> Granny: [ GASPS ] I THINK THEY'RE GONE.

JESUS...

I'M RUNNIN' OUT OF AIR DOWN HERE.

>> Early: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

I DONE TOLD 'EM I'D WALK, NOT STAND!

YOU KEEP A-PADDLIN'!

>> Granny: THY WILL BE DONE.

>> Early: Y'ALL KISS MY ASS!

I AIN'T NEVER GONNA DIE!

[ SPUTTERS ]