Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ GET YOUR YANKEE ASS OFF MY PROPERTY ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE IF THE BANK GAVE YOU THE DEED ♪

♪ THIS FARM'S BEEN CUYLER LAND FOR G-G-GENERATIONS ♪

♪ SINCE WE BEAT BACK THEM SNEAKY JAPANESE ♪

HA HA!

♪ IN THE WAR OF 1812 ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

[ SNORING ] [ RUMBLE ]

[ GRUMBLES ] DAMN, THAT THEM SHAKES IS BAD

TODAY.

I MUST HAVE TIED ME A HELL OF A ONE ON LAST NIGHT.

>> Sheriff: NO, EARLY, THAT AIN'T YOU.

I CAN FEEL IT, TOO.

UH, MAYBE THEY'RE BLASTING DOWN AT THE QUARRY.

>> NEED TO...FIT INTO...

HIGH SCHOOL...SPANDEX.

>> Sheriff: YEAH, THEY'RE -- THEY'RE BLASTING DOWN AT THE

QUARRY. THAT'S IT.

>> Early: IT WAS KRYSTAL, WEREN'T IT?

>> Sheriff: HUH?

>> Early: I SEEN THEM BIG-ASS PINK BRITCHES GOING BY!

SHE'S EXERTIZING, AIN'T SHE?

[ TAPS ] >> Sheriff: PIPE DOWN IN THERE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO EAT MY LUNCH IN PEACE HERE, PLEASE.

>> Early: WHAT YOU GOT THERE -- MEAT LOAF?

WITH THE GIBLETS ON THE SIDE?

>> Sheriff: I LIKE TO DIP IT.

>> Early: [ SLURPS ] THAT'S FAT-FREE GRAVY!

YOU TRYING TO SHED SOME L.B.s!

DAMN IT, WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

AND YOU CARRY THIS ONE, ADD THIS ONE HERE, AND SUBTRACT AND THEN

PUT THIS ONE ONTO HERE.

HELL, IT'S 1614!

>> NO, IT'S 2011!

>> Sheriff: DENNY. >> Early: I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT!

IT'S A HIGH-SCHOOL-REUNION YEAR!

>> Sheriff: COME ON.

>> Early: SO, WHERE'S THE EVENT?

I DIDN'T GET MY INVITE.

>> Sheriff: EARLY, NOW REMEMBER, YOU KIND OF DROPPED OUT IN THE

SECOND GRADE.

>> Early: I AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO DAMN CURSIVE SHOVED DOWN MY

THROAT BY THE GOVERNMENT!

IT'S A DEAD LANGUAGE!

YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE, SCHOOL CHUM!

I GOT TO GO PUT MY SMOOTH TOGETHER!

>> Dan Halen: YOU TOLD HIM?!

>> Sheriff: WELL, H-HE SAW HER.

YOU KNOW SHE ONLY GETS OFF THE MATTRESS EVERY FIVE YEARS.

>> Dan Halen: WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE IT TO THE VFW THEN.

>> Sheriff: WELL, IT'S THERE ALREADY.

THAT'S WHERE WE ALWAYS HAVE IT.

>> Dan Halen: THEN IT'S THE LAST PLACE HE'LL LOOK.

>> Sheriff: BY GOD, THAT'S GENIUS!

>> Dan Halen: YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIT OF A GENIUS OVER YOU,

HAVEN'T I, SHERIFF?

I SPUN YOUR WORLD INTO CONFUSION.

[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ] >> Sheriff: HELL, I CAN SEE BOTH

SIDES OF THE ISSUE.

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO ARGUE?

W-WHY CAN'T WE JUST -- JUST SHAKE HANDS AND GO OUR SEPARATE

WAYS?

>> Dan Halen: THAT'S THE EXTENT OF YOUR SUPPORT FOR THE SALT II

TREATY?

>> Sheriff: AS LONG AS WE ALL LOVE JESUS, THAT'S THE MAIN

THING.

HE'LL TELL US ALL THE ANSWERS WHEN WE GET TO HEAVEN AND FIND

OUT WHO OUR DAD IS.

>> Dan Halen: WHAT'S THAT, ON -- ON YOUR SHIRT?

>> Sheriff: WHERE?

>> Dan Halen: THINK FAST!

>> Sheriff: OH!

>> Dan Halen: HA HA HA!

DEBATE THAT!

[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Sheriff: WELL, I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ALL THAT DAMN GREAT IN

DEBATE, BUT I DID PRETTY WELL IN ATTENDANCE THAT YEAR.

YEP, I WAS THERE.

>> Dan Halen: TELL ME, WILL WE BE BRINGING A ROMANTIC DATE THIS

YEAR, OR ARE WE STICKING WITH MOM?

>> Sheriff: NOW, NOW.

A BACHELOR NEVER KISSES AND TELLS.

>> Dan Halen: OR NEVER KISSES AT ALL.

LISTEN, YOU'LL HAVE A LITTLE DOWNTIME TO MINGLE, BUT I WANT

YOU IN THAT PARKING LOT CHECKING I.D.s AND PICKING UP YOUR OWN

CIGARETTE BUTTS.

>> Sheriff: WELL [CLEARS THROAT] OKAY.

UH, CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REUNION TO CATCH UP WITH YOU --

>> Dan Halen: YEAH, LET'S SAVE IT FOR SATURDAY THERE, BUDDY.

>> Sheriff: OKAY.

UH, I'LL JUST BE OUTSIDE.

[ GUN COCKS ] >> TH-THE REGISTER'S UP THERE.

JUST T-TAKE IT. JUST -- AAH!

>> Early: I AIN'T HERE FOR MONEY!

YOU GIVE ME A TOWEL, A LOCKER, AND YOU CALCULATE MY RESTING

METABOLIC RATE AND MY BODY-MASS INDEX!

I NEED TO GET CUT LIKE THEM OLD BOYS IN "300"!

'BOUT TO GET...SIDEWAYS TOMORROW NIGHT!

[ GRUNTS ] GONNA COME UNDONE!

WHOO!

[ INSECTS CHIRPING ] >> Sheriff: [ MOANING ]

I-I GOT MY BOOKS, MR. HALEN.

UH, YOU WANT TO SLAP THEM OUT OF MY HAND NOW OR YOU -- OH!

>> Dan Halen: [ LAUGHS ] EXCUSE ME, YOU SEEM TO HAVE

SOMETHING ON YOUR SHIRT THERE.

>> Sheriff: WHERE? >> Dan Halen: THINK FAST!

[ LAUGHTER ] >> THINK FAST.

>> HE GOT YOU.

>> THAT WAS GOOD.

>> DUMBASS. >> Sheriff: THAT'S NOT MY SHIRT!

I CLEANED MY SHIRT!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] DAMN IT!

[ Echoing ] I'M NEVER FAST ENOUGH!

[ BIRDS SQUAWKING ] >> Dan Halen: BEDDY-BYE,

MY LITTLE BITCH.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ] >> Sheriff: UH, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S A LOT OF LOOSE WHISPERING ABOUT MY BEING A-A

BACHELOR.

BUT I-I JUST LIKE DOING MY OWN THING, YOU KNOW?

GLENN'S WIFE SAID SHE'S GOING WITH GLENN, AND MY MOM KEEPS

USING THAT OLD "NO RAMP ACCESS" EXCUSE.

SO I THOUGHT MAYBE THAT YOU AND I COULD, UH, GO OUT AND HAVE A

GOOD TIME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, LIL?

[ THUDS ] >> Granny: I LIKE TO DO THINGS!

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ] AH, HELL.

ALL RIGHT. FINE.

>> Granny: DO THEY SERVE AN EARLY MEAL?

'CAUSE I GET GAS IF I HAVE FOOD IF IT AIN'T RICE OR IF I EAT TOO

LATE OR IF I HAVE TOO MUCH RICE.

>> Early: THE GAME IS ON!

HELL YEAH!

>> Granny: [ HUMMING ] >> Early: HEY, WHERE YOU THINK

YOU GOING WITH THAT HAIR?

>> Granny: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO --

[ GUN COCKS ] CLASS REUNION.

>> Early: YEAH, THAT'S DOWN THERE AT THE OL', UH, VFW,

RIGHT?

>> Granny: YUH-HUH.

>> Early: HELL, I KNOWED IT.

THEY THOUGHT THAT YOU THOUGHT THAT IF YOU MOVED IT, THEN I

WOULDN'T KNOW IT, BUT I KNOWED IT, AND I DONE SAID IT.

>> Granny: I SAID YA WAS RIGHT.

>> Early: NO, HELL NO!

IT AIN'T AT THE VFW!

YOU TRYING TO MIND-MESS ME!

THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY WANT ME TO THINK, I THINK!

AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE I DO!

[ DOOR CLOSES ] WAIT! WHERE YOU GOING?

[ MIRROR CREAKS ] >> Granny: YOU SEEM SO TENSE.

I GIVE A REALLY GOOD FBSM.

>> Sheriff: OH, UNH-UNH. NO. NO.

I'D HATE TO COMPLICATE OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH A MEANINGLESS

ROMP, YOU KNOW.

>> Granny: WELL, I WASN'T THINKING A ROMPIN' SO MUCH AS

MAYBE A QUICK RIM JOB?

[ HORN HONKS ] >> Sheriff: AW, HELL, WE GOT US

A TAIL. BUCKLE IN.

WE'RE ABOUT TO TAKE A RIDE.

[ CLICKING ] GO ON AND PASS.

YOU'RE GOOD TO GO, FRIEND.

Y'ALL COME ON AROUND.

>> Early: OH, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE SPECIAL.

NOW, YOU GO ON NOW TO YOUR CLASS REUNION.

HELL, I'M GOOD.

>> Sheriff: DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS, EARLY.

>> Early: DO WHAT?

>> Sheriff: ALL RIGHT, SON.

WHERE YOU HEADED TONIGHT?

>> Early: WHERE YOU HEADED?

YOU'RE THE POLICE.

HELL, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.

>> Sheriff: VFW. DAMN IT!

EVERY TIME!

>> Early: WELL, I RECKON YOU OUGHTA HAUL ME IN THEN.

>> Sheriff: FOR WHAT?

>> Early: ASSAULT!

>> Sheriff: YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA LET YOU GO WITH A WARNING THIS

TIME -- >> Early: BATTERY!

>> Sheriff: I-I'M GONNA LET YOU GO WITH A WAR--

>> Early: RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT!

UNPROVOKED HOSTILITY!

DOMESTIC DISPUTE!

>> Sheriff: [ GROANS ] ALL RIGHT, FINE!

COME ON! BACK OF THE CAR!

[ METAL CLANGS ] >> Early: YOU LOOK TENSE,

SHERIFF.

GIVE THIS OL' BOY A FBSM.

>> Granny: WHOO!

>> Sheriff: OH, UNH-UNH.

UNH-UNH. >> Granny: FINE.

>> Sheriff: LISTEN, EARLY.

I'M GOING TO BE IN A WORLD OF HURT IF YOU MAKE ANY TROUBLE FOR

ME HERE. YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> Early: AW, I AIN'T GONNA MAKE NO WAVES.

COME ON. I GOT YOUR BACK.

I MEAN, YOU ACT LIKE I AIN'T GOT NO...

CLASS OF '86!

WHOO! LET'S DO THIS! DO THE HUMPTY HUMP! COME ON NOW!

>> [ GASPS ] >> Early: YOU DOWN WITH O.P.P.?

>> Dan Halen: WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

>> Sheriff: WELL, I-I BROUGHT HIM IN, FOR, UH, QUESTIONING.

HE'S IN VERBAL CUSTODY.

>> Dan Halen: STEP AWAY FROM THE STEAM TABLES AND GET BACK IN THE

LOT!

>> Sheriff: BUT YOU SAID I COULD MINGLE.

>> Dan Halen: THIS ISN'T A DEBATE, BECAUSE IF IT WERE, YOU

JUST LOST TO THE TWO-TIME DISTRICT REGIONAL RUNNER-UP, OR

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

HIT THE ASPHALT!

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> MMM. MMM.

>> Early: YOU SEE THAT FINE-ASS BITCH OVER THERE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> Early: NOW THAT I'M A SUCCESS, HELL, I'M GONNA IGNORE

THAT BITCH, RIGHT STRAIGHT INTO HER SUMBITCHIN' FACE!

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> Early: 'SCUSE ME.

DO I RECOGTIZE YOU?

NO, I AIN'T.

>> YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO I AM.

>> Early: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE THE BITCH WHAT STOLE MY HEART AND STOMPED IT INTO PIECES

WHEN YOU RUN AROUND ON ME!

>> EARLY?

>> Early: THAT'S ME!

>> YOU AIN'T CHANGED A BIT.

YOU STILL SOME TINY-ASS RUNT CAN'T BREAK OUT OF A

FULL-NELSON.

>> Early: LET GO OF ME, YOU SUCCUBUS STRAIGHT FROM HELL!

YOU SEE THIS HERE KNIFE, LITTLE GAL?

THE BLADE IS HANZO STEEL.

HANDLE OF IVORY FROM THE ANTLER OF AN 28-POINT SUPER-BUCK.

>> THAT IS A FINE-ASS KNIFE.

SO YOU OWN THAT OUTRIGHT, HUH?

>> Early: JUST THREE MORE PAYMENTS AND SHE'S ALL MINE.

EQUITY.

I'M BUILDING SOMETHING HERE.

>> Shh. HUSH NOW.

ONLY THING I WANT OUT OF THAT MOUTH IS YOUR TONGUE.

[ MOANING ] >> Sheriff: NO, THANK YOU.

IT'S CLEAN.

NOTHING ON MY SHIRT.

I'M FINE.

[ LIGHTER CLICKS ] >> Granny: WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS

ON A DATE WITH A MAN WHOSE NUTS HAD DROPPED!

>> Sheriff: I GUESS I THOUGHT YOU WERE, TOO.

>> Granny: JUST GIVE ME YOUR DRINK TICKETS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET SOMEBODY TORE UP IF I'M GONNA GET ANY

ACTION TONIGHT.

>> Dan Halen: ...SO I DRAINED IT, BOUGHT ALL THE LAKEFRONT

PROPERTY BACK FOR A FRACTION OF THE PRICE, THEN REFILLED IT WITH

PURE GRAPEFRUIT VODKA.

I CRUSHED THAT DEAL.

CRUSHED.

[ SLURPS ] I SUPPOSE, UH, I'M SUPPOSED TO

ASK YOU SOMETHING NOW OR...

I SUPPOSE "WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?" >> I WORK FOR YOU, MOSTLY,

AND -- >> Dan Halen: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YES.

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> WELL, YOU'RE -- >> Dan Halen: NO? GAY?

WHAT WAS IT?

>> YEAH, THEY DIED IN THE FIRE.

>> Dan Halen: OH, RIGHT, THE DEAD ONES, YES.

>> YEP, YEP.

>> Dan Halen: I SAW THAT ON FACEBOOK.

>> YEAH, PRETTY MUCH TORE US APART.

>> Dan Halen: WELL, I NEED TO GET SOME ROAST BEEF ON TINY

BREAD... >> OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

>> Dan Halen: ...AWAY FROM YOU.

>> Sheriff: AH, AH, AH.

>> Dan Halen: WHAT IS IT NOW?

>> Sheriff: HMM, LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR

SHIRT.

>> Dan Halen: [ Laughing ] YOU MORONIC IMBECILE, I DON'T --

>> Sheriff: AND THAT'S FOR BULLYING ME!

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ] >> Early: BULLYING.

THE MEDIA IS ALL OVER IT THESE DAYS.

BUT IS IT THEIR BUSINESS?

HELL NO.

WHY MUST EVERYBODY PREDJUDATE AGAINST THE BULLY JUST BECAUSE

HE LIKES TO SEPARATE YOU FROM THE NERD HERD AND GIVE YOU A

SOUND-ASS WHOOPIN'?

STOP BULLYING IN ITS TRACKS.

VISIT dontbealowhangingfruit.biz AND FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN STOP

BEING SUCH A FAT, JUICY TARGET.

TIPS LIKE LOSE WEIGHT, GET RID OF THEM ZITS, DON'T BE SUCH A

PUSSY, PUSSY, YOU A DAMN PUSSY, AND GIMME THAT JACKET, 'CAUSE

IT'S MINE NOW.

I'M EARLY CUYLER, AND I FEEL LIKE THIS HERE WAS A MESSAGE

THEY WANTED ME TO CONVEY.

>> ACTUALLY, NO, IT ISN'T.

>> Early: IT AIN'T?

>> NO, WE GAVE YOU THE SCRIPT -- >> Early: I'LL SAY WHAT THE HELL

I WANT TO SAY, YOU [BLEEP] DAMN SON-OF-A-BITCHIN' PENCIL-NECK

MOTHER-- >> ♪ WHEN YOU GO DEEP ENOUGH ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A SECOND SIGHT ♪ ♪ I LEFT THE FAUCET ON ♪

♪ JUST TO GET IN A FIGHT ♪