Original subtitles

[ STATIC ] [ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND BURIED ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪

♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO HIS KINGDOM ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪

♪ WHEN I GO ♪ >> Rusty: MY TURN.

>> Early: HELL NO.

>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT THING!

>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!

>> Sheriff: HEY, EARLY.

WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR HEAD?

>> Early: MY NEW LID.

NATIONAL ASBESTOS ASSOCIATION'S A-GIVIN' 'EM OUT.

>> Sheriff: "I'M DID ASBESTOS I CAN."

>> Early: THIS HERE HAT WAS ONCE THE DROP CEILING OF A DAY CARE.

THEY GOING GREEN NOW!

>> Sheriff: THIS IS POORLY TRANSLATED FROM CHINESE.

DAMN IT, EARLY.

YOU ALWAYS GOT TO LOOK FOR THE "MADE IN THE U.S.A." LABEL.

[ THUMPING, SQUISHING ] OH, MY LORD.

>> Early: WHAT?

>> Rusty: AH!

DADDY, YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE WEARIN' THAT HAT NO MORE!

>> Granny: YEAH, THEY SENT US THIS HAT WITH REGARDS TO YOUR

HAT.

WHOO! THIS IS A NICE HAT.

>> Early: THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

[ COUGHS ] FREEDOM AIN'T FREE NO MORE!

[ COUGHS ] >> Sheriff: EARLY, WE GOT TO GET

YOU TO THE DOCTOR.

>> Early: NAH.

FETCH ME MY COCK JOHNSON CHAMPIONSHIP HEADACHE POWDERS.

[ SNIFFS ] I'LL BE FINE.

[ COUGHING, WHEEZING ] >> Rusty: DADDY?

>> Sheriff: OH, DEAR GOD.

[ MONITOR BEEPING ] >> WELL, UH, THE X-RAYS ARE IN.

YOU BETTER HAVE A LOOK AT THIS.

>> Sheriff: UM, WHAT AM I LOOKING AT, UH, EXACTLY?

>> WHAT, UH [CLEARS THROAT] WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

>> Sheriff: WELL, IS THAT YOUR SEMI-ERECT PENIS THERE?

>> AH, COULD BE. COULD BE.

MM.

AHHH. I BETTER PUT THIS UP.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] SAVE MY BATTERY.

>> Sheriff: [ CLEARS THROAT ] AREN'T YOU, UH, GONNA GIVE SOME

SORT OF DIAGNOSIS OR SOMETHING?

>> FOR HIM?

NO, NO. HE'S TOAST.

PUT A FORK IN THAT.

>> Sheriff: W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

>> PUT A FORK IN THAT, I SAID.

OH, WHO SAYS THAT?

>> Sheriff: IS HE GONNA DIE?

>> PROBABLY.

UNLESS HE'S, LIKE, SOME SORT OF GOD OR SOMETHING.

[ TINK! TINK! ] HE'S NOT FROM ANCIENT GREECE, IS

HE? >> Sheriff: N-NO.

>> LET ME SHOW YOU THIS IMAGE.

>> [ GIGGLES ] STOP!

>> PORNO. BIG TIME.

>> Sheriff: I -- YOU KNOW, THAT GUY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

WE'LL...DO A SEARCH ON THE WEB.

HELL, WE'LL GO DOWN TO ATLANTA WHERE THE REAL DOCTORS ARE.

>> Early: OH, I AIN'T GOT NO INSURANCE FOR THAT MESS.

>> Sheriff: THEN WE'LL GO TO A CHIROPRACTOR AND WE'LL GET A --

A NON-MEDICAL OPINION, BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA GET BETTER, YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THAT HAT OFF NOW.

>> Early: MY LID!

>> Sheriff: THERE WE GO.

[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT THE...W-WHERE'D YOU GET

THAT?!

>> Early: I-I-I CAN'T CONTROL MY CRAVINGS!

I'M DOWN TO A PACK A DAY.

>> Sheriff: DAMN IT, EARLY.

CAN'T YOU SEE THESE HATS ARE KILLING YA?

>> Early: I KNOW IT AIN'T GOOD FOR ME, BUT...I JUST AIN'T GOT

THE STRENGTHS TO QUIT.

[ SOBS ] >> Sheriff: I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU WANT TO DO SOME BIG OL' DONUTS IN MY CAR HERE?

>> Early: [ SNIFFLES ] YEAH.

YOU BEST GET THE HELL OUT.

>> Sheriff: OH! OH!

>> Early: [ SNIFFLES ] [ SIREN WAILS, TIRES SCREECH ]

OOH! WHOO-HOO!

HELL YEAH!

>> Rusty: SO, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY ABOUT MY DADDY?

>> Sheriff: UH...WELL, HE'S, UH, A-OKAY.

HE'S GONNA BE JUST FINE, FINE AS WINE, LIKE A FRIENDSHIP, UH,

SAVORED SWEETLY OVER TIME.

[ SNIFFLES ] >> Early: HEY, HOSS, YOU GOT YOU

ANOTHER CAR?

>> Sheriff: UH, YEAH, I-I THINK I COULD RADIO FOR ANOTHER ONE.

>> Early: WHAT'S THIS?

YOU CRYING, PUSSY?

>> Sheriff: [ Voice breaking ] YOU'VE JUST BEEN SUCH A GOOD

FRIEND, I CAN'T BEAR TO SEE YOU GO LIKE THIS.

>> Early: HEY, Y'ALL, LOOKY HERE.

THIS PUSSY'S A-CRYIN'.

[ COUGHS ] >> Rusty: DADDY, UH, YOU

AIN'T -- YOU AIN'T LOOKIN' SO GOOD.

MAYBE YOU BETTER LIE DOWN.

>> Granny: LOOKS LIKE I MIGHT COME OUT AHEAD IN THE DEAD POOL

AFTER ALL. >> Early: BITCH, I'M FINE.

[ COUGHS ] ITS JUST A HEADACHE.

[ SIGHS ] >> Rusty: HE AIN'T GONNA BE FINE

AT ALL, IS HE, SHERIFF?

>> Sheriff: NO, HE -- HE AIN'T GOT LONG, RUSTY.

LET'S JUST GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS AND MAKE SURE HE'S

COMFORTABLE IN HIS FINAL DAYS.

>> Early: GIVE IT TO ME.

[ COUGHS ] ALL OF IT, YOU SUMBITCH!

I'M-A HAVE ME A LITTLE NAP HERE, BUT WHEN I WAKE UP, I EXPECT

THIS HERE SACK TO BE FULL OF MONIES.

[ WHEEZES ] CASHY MONIES!

[ BELL JINGLES ] >> Sheriff: YOU HEARD HIM, BOYD.

JUST HAND IT TO ME.

I'LL FILL THE SACK.

[ CASH REGISTER DINGS ] >> I WAS GONNA THROW THESE

TAQUITOS OUT, BUT IF IT WILL MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE HE GOT ONE

OVER ON ME, THEN...

>> Sheriff: THANKS, BOYD.

YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR EARLY WHEN HE NEEDED TO ROB YOU.

>> Early: [ SNORING ] >> Sheriff: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

SAY, GLENN.

PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES.

I MEAN, IT'S WHAT HE WANTED.

>> BUT IT'S MY WIFE.

>> AND I REALLY DON'T WANT THIS.

>> Early: PLEASE, Y'ALL.

[ COUGHS ] DON'T FIGHT.

I CAN'T STAND TO SEE IT.

COME ON, GLENN'S WIFE.

[ COUGHS ] WRAP YOUR FINE-ASS MOUTH AROUNDS

MY TOES.

[ SNIFFLES ] I-I COULD GO AT ANY MINUTE.

>> WELL...

[ Muffled ] WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

>> Early: THERE YOU GO, BABY.

>> ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD ONE.

>> Sheriff: EARLY, THIS HERE IS THE MAN FROM THE "MAKE A

MIRACLE" NETWORK.

HE ARRANGED THIS WHOLE DEAL TODAY.

>> WELL, HEY, THERE, BIG GUY.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> Rusty: OH, NO, NO. NO, SIR.

IT'S FOR MY DADDY.

>> OH, YOUR -- YOUR DADDY?

OKAY. >> Early: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> YOU TOLD ME HE WAS 7.

>> Sheriff: OH, WELL, UH, HE GOT THAT, UH, THAT GLAND DISEASE

THAT MAKES YOU LOOK OLD.

>> YEAH, BUT THIS ONE HERE JUST CALLED HIM "DADDY."

>> Sheriff: NO, HE DIDN'T.

FIRE IT UP, BOYS!

>> ♪ I'M PROUD TO BE A CONFEDERATE ♪

♪ WHERE WE STILL HAVE SLAVERY ♪ ♪ AND IT'S SAD THEM YANKEES HAD

TO DIE ♪ ♪ THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MESSED

WITH GENERAL LEE ♪ ♪ AND I WILL STAND UP

AND SALUTE THESE STATES ♪ ♪ PROUD MEMBERS OF THE S.E.C. ♪

>> Early: [ SNIFFLES ] >> ♪ DADDY'S BUTT-DRUNK AND

MAMA'S ON THE GRIDDLE ♪ ♪ COOKING UP CRYSTAL METH ♪

♪ READY IN A LITTLE ♪ ♪ GONNA TEAR YOUR ASS STRAIGHT

UP THE MIDDLE ♪ >> ♪ GOD BLESS THE

CONFEDERACY! ♪ >> Early: THERE YOU GO!

[ SNIFFLES ] ALL THE HISTORIES AND SCHOOL

BOOKIN' YOU'LL EVEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT'S RIGHT UP THERE IN LASER

LIGHT.

>> Sheriff: WELL, EARLY, I'M JUST GLAD YOU COULD SEE IT YOUR

WAY BEFORE YOU DIED.

>> Early: YEAH.

[ SNIFFLES ] WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

>> U-UH...UH...

LOOK, EARLY, IT'S GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING ARTIST

T-PAIN! >> Early: HELL, I KNOW TAH-PAIN.

THERE YOU GO, HOSS.

>> UMM, WHAT -- WHAT IS THIS?

>> Early: THAT THERE IS A RAP.

>> "I LIKE DRIVING MY TRUCK.

AUBURN SUCKS"?

>> Early: YEAH, YOU -- YOU TWIDDLE THE KNOBS AND, UH, LET

ME KNOW WHEN IT DROPS.

>> I THOUGHT THIS WAS KIND OF LIKE JUST A PHOTO WITH THE

CHAIN.

>> Early: I'LL BUY YOU A DAMN DRINK.

>> HEY! THAT'S MY WIFE, MAN!

>> Early: [ Yawning ] YEAH, WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

>> OKAY, BIG GUY, THIS IS KEVIN GILLESPIE.

>> HEY, THERE, BUDDY.

>> HE WAS FAN FAVORITE ON "TOP CHEF" LAST SEASON.

YOU KNOW "TOP CHEF" ON BRAVO?

YOU WATCH BRAVO?

YEAH? NO?

>> ARE YOU READY FOR A NEW TWIST ON A SOUTHERN CLASSIC?

WELL, HOW ABOUT SKILLET FRIED CHICKEN WITH PICKLED WATERMELON

AND -- P-PLEASE, DON'T! NO!

>> Early: ...SWEET TEA GELéE.

CONTRIVED.

>> YOU KNOW, I-I-I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND YOU.

I KNOW YOU HAVE THIS DISEASE AND ALL, BUT, UM, I DON'T THINK

YOU'RE REALLY 7 -- [ GUNSHOT ]

>> Early: THIS HAS ALL MADE ME VERY TIRED.

[ COUGHS ] >> Sheriff: EARLY?

[ Voice breaking ] OH, GOD, NO!

[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ] >> Early: YEP, THIS WILL DO.

I LIKE IT.

>> Sheriff: UH, EARLY, WHY NOT JUST SOMETHING SIMPLE AND

ELEGANT LIKE THIS PINE BOX HERE?

SINCE I'M...KIND OF FOOTING THE BILL ON THIS WHOLE THING.

>> Early: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT WITH A DAMN BANG, DON'T YOU?

>> Sheriff: WELL, OF COURSE I -- >> Early: IT'S A COFFIN THAT'S A

BASS GUITAR AND A BOURBON BOTTLE.

IT'S GENIUS!

>> Sheriff: NO, I-I KNOW -- >> Early: IT'S MY FINAL WISHES!

[ COUGHS ] DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY?

[ WHEEZES ] >> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]

[ BASS GUITAR PLAYS ] OKAY, WE'LL, UH, TAKE THE

MICHAEL ANTHONY.

>> Early: YEAH!

WE CALL THIS HERE CURVE THE CUYLER KILLER.

ALL MY WILDEST KIN MET THEIR MAKER HERE AND PUNCHED HIS ASS

IN THE FACE.

THIS HERE WAS MY GREAT UNCLE, URLO.

>> [ SOBBING ] >> Early: HIS GAL, URLOTTA.

DICKIE JACK.

HIS MEMORIAL WAS A DAMN BLOODBATH.

>> Sheriff: OH, YEAH, I-I WAS DOING THE ESCORT ON THAT ONE.

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL.

COME ON AROUND.

YOU'RE GOOD TO GO. AAH!

[ ENGINE REVS ] WHY ARE WE HERE, EARLY?

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T BE BURIED ON THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD.

>> Early: I AIN'T HERE TO PICK A PLOT.

I'M HERE TO END IT -- THE CUYLER WAY.

BOOM!

>> Sheriff: OH, COME ON, EARLY.

[ SNIFFS ] WITH TODAY'S HEADACHE-POWDER

SCIENCE AND ALL, Y-YOU COULD RECOVER.

>> Early: NAH.

SCIENCE IS THE DEVIL'S GAME.

IF JESUS WOULD HAVE HAD HIMSELF A 454 BIG BLOCK, HE'D HAVE

WANTED THEM JEWS TO KILL HIM THIS WAY, TOO.

>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS, SNIFFLES ] YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU DESERVE TO DIE WITH SOME DIGNITY.

SO [SNIFFLES] GO ON.

GET YOUR TRUCK-BOAT TRUCK.

>> Early: UNH-UNH. NO, SIR.

>> Sheriff: OKAY. TAKE THE KEYS.

GUESS I'LL TELL YOUR GRANNY YOU STOLE IT.

>> Early: COME ON, NOW.

LET ME HIT YOU SO IT'S BELIEVABLE.

>> Sheriff: WE COULD PROBABLY COVER THAT WITH A STORY --

>> Early: GIVE ME THEM RIBS.

NOW A KICK TO THE ORBITAL.

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I WOULD HAVE DONE IT.

>> Sheriff: FAREWELL, OLD FRIEND.

[ SIGHS ] JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE SAFELY

INSIDE THE PEARLY GATES BEFORE YOU START CALLING EVERYBODY

HOMOS.

>> Early: DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

I'LL DO AS I PLEASE!

>> Sheriff: [ Laughing ] OH, YOU'RE SUCH A PILL.

>> Rusty: HEY, Y'ALL!

LOOK WHAT I FOUND AT THE LIBRARY!

>> Sheriff: EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURE?

>> Rusty: YEAH, THEY GOT THEM A TREATMENT THAT MIGHT BE ABLE TO

SAVE DADDY.

>> Sheriff: WE'VE GOT TO STOP HIM!

EARLY, WAIT!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] WAIT, EARLY. WAIT!

[ TIRES SQUEAL, SIREN WAILS ] EARLY, GREAT NEWS FROM OVERSE--

>> Early: DAMN AIR BAGS!

LOOK HERE, I DONE CHIPPED A DAMN TOOTH!

[ RAP MUSIC PLAYS ] >> YEAH.

PIZZLE.

WHOO-HOO! LETS GO, EARLY.

WHAT WE DO!

>> Early: I LIKE DRIVING IN MY TRUCK.

>> ♪ HE LIKES TO DRIVE IN HIS TRUCK ♪

>> Early: AUBURN SUCKS.

>> ♪ AUBURN SUCKS ♪ >> Early: I LIKE DRIVING IN MY

TRUCK.

>> ♪ HE LIKES TO DRIVE IN HIS TRUCK ♪

>> Early: UH, AUBURN SUCKS.

>> ♪ AUBURN SUCKS ♪ >> Early: I LIKE TRUCKS.

>> ♪ HE LIKES TRUCKS ♪ >> Early: I DON'T, UH, I DON'T

CARE FOR AUBURN.

>> ♪ HE DOESN'T CARE FOR AUBURN ♪