Original subtitles

A few years ago, a trio of erotically liberated young adults, tired of reading reports by

Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, and Height, decided that actions spoke louder than words. Today,

if you have a sexual problem that requires special handling and don't know where to go,

turn it over to the X Team.

you on the other side by Clinton. you I

Oh, I'll get it. Al, what's your elbow? What'd do that for? Somebody get that, will ya?

damn it, I'll get it.

Oh, no problem. I had to get up and get it anyway. Yeah, right. What? Yeah, okay.

Okay. All right. Okay. Bye. It's time, man, to find out why his wife's rigid. No, you

can do it. Me? Why not you? Because. Because? That's a real good reason. You're supposed

to be the brains of this thing. Cleans the brawn and I'm the beauty. Look, you handle

the business, right? Right. Now you do bookkeeping and you handle all the money. So it's your

department. What do you mean I'm bookkeeping? 34 double B, beauty and bookkeeping. These

are 35.

Fill your mouth Clint. There you see? I stand corrected, does have a big mouth. Good to see

you.

Sorry, that looks too good.

you

Ugh.

It's on Clint's side. him to clean it up. I always have my equipment ready. That's why

you're in special operations. That's right. That's right. Hey, man, you don't get on

the X team for being stupid. That's, uh... Unless you're really hung.

That's right.

You must be from the X team. Yes, that's right.

Mr. Monocule, what seems to be the problem? My wife. She seems to have lost interest.

I just don't understand it. Up until three months ago, she was almost more than I could

handle. Well, then she just seemed to, well, freeze up. Well, first off, she's not home

very often. At night, she's usually out with the girls. And when she is home, she's too

tired. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think so. Anyway, I'm at the end of my rope. I've

tried everything, but nothing works. You're my last hope. Can you help me find out what's

wrong with Lois? Don't worry, Mr. Monacue. Call me Herbert. Alright, Herbert. The X

team will come through. We always do. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Bye.

on health club memberships. Yeah, well, we got a special this week on... I'll take five.

What? I'll take five. But I got a whole speech prepared for you. I'm going to tell you about

how we... Let me see your muscles.

I want to see your tummy muscle.

Okay.

That's fine. How about this mess up?

That's what I call a...

some of the new revolutionary skin oils that we have. Did you say skin oil? Yes, I did,

Mary. Here we have the Jasmine Senate skin oil that moisturizes and conditions your skin at

the same time. Do you this kind of get warm when you blow on them? Yes, I do, right here

in my briefcase. And do you have those ones with the aphrodisiac scent to them? Yes, I

do. And if you'll just take your robe off and... demonstrate.

This is also the touching oil. This also conditions your skin.

This here is the Jasmine. Doesn't that smell nice? You just put a little on your hand like

that and you just rub it wherever you want the skin of it nice and soft. Just like this.

do this twice a day, for three weeks. your skin will be so soft.

Good afternoon ma'am, I'm with the United States Census Bureau and I'd like to ask you a few

questions concerning the members of your household. I thought they the census once every 10 years,

it's just been four years since the last one. Yes, that's right ma'am. But you see, we

have found that with the population having risen so much since the last one that we need to

get a head start this time.

question on how many how many members of your household live here? Okay, now the next question

concerns income. Would you say that the base salary of income in your household is less

than $15,000 a year? 15,000 to 25,000. This might take some time. judging by your furniture,

I'd say it's over $50,000 a year.

See ya.

extremely well.

Let's see the next question. Yes. It's getting hard to read the page. Next question.

with the lady of the household like me to fuck her brains out.

I'm it on my round.

citizens like you to make this country work.

So you see, Mr. Monacue, your wife really isn't frigid at all. As a matter of fact, she's

the exact opposite. I'd say your wife's a classic nymphomaniac. No, no, that isn't so. But

it is so. No, you're lying. Look, that wasn't Lois you were seeing. I don't know who you're

working for, but that wasn't my wife. That was her, Mr. Monacue. She looked exactly like the

picture on your desk. Lois. Look, I won't let you talk like her right was at the address

you gave us, and she looked exactly Get Get out. You're fired. But Mr. Monacue... Get out

of here! Lady, you're bad.

there anything interesting? I don't know what talking about. If you say so. No, wait a

minute. I really was listening. I just wanted to find out what was going on between Herbert

and that woman. Well, from what I gather, not too much. But you sound more concerned

than just a loyal secretary. I am. You see, I love Herbert. No. Really? Yes. Yes, I love

him. And I can't bear to see him married to that slut. Slut? Whore? Bloodsucking leech?

Yes. Well, there really isn't too much we can do about it. You just fired the X-Team.

I know. Could I rehire you? Rehire us? To do what? To prove to that... That slut or let's

say King Leach. Yes, that she's a terrible person and that he should rid of her and maybe

he will marry me who really loves him. Well, I'd really like to and you seem like a really

nice person but you see we do have certain monetary needs and... I'll pay you. I have

some money saved up to buy my mother some new dentures. I'll pay whatever it takes. Please,

please do this for me. Well, alright. On behalf of the X team, we'll accept the job. Thank

you.

Yes, this is Lois Monaghan. Starseekers, I don't believe I've ever heard of you. Oh,

you just started. What can I do for you? You want to do a screen test on me? You've to

be kidding. You're not kidding. Good health. Oh, you're not allowed to give out your sources.

I understand. But when would you like this afternoon? Let me check my date book.

Yes, this afternoon will be fine. See you then. Goodbye.

This is Montague. I call you Lois? Of course I may. I am Barty Baker, and I am going to

make you a star. I sure hope so. Don't I know you from somewhere? Oh, well, you might have

seen me on any number of shows. The Rockford Files, I was gunned down in a shopping mall

on that one. The Hill Street Blues, I had died in a bar shootout. And of course, the memorable

Terry's Date for the Evening on... Let me introduce you to my crew. is Bunny Iverson, our script,

wardrobe and makeup girl. Pleased to meet you. I'm sure. This is Tank Parker, our cameraman.

And this... This is your leading man, Buck Braverman. Buck, say hello to Lois. Hello.

Listen to that voice. Such resonance. Such clarity, a voice of power, a voice of projection.

very astute darling, but if you'll also notice Tank has brought his video camera as well.

Now why don't you not worry about the technicalities. We do know what...

marvelous. Why don't you remain seated here Lois, but come here and sit next to her.

Don't I get a script? A script? Did you hear that, buddy? She wants a script! Oh, Lois,

Lois, Lois. We're here to find out if

script they improvise really you mean all those movies are all ad-libbed of course

now here's the scenario it's the Civil War up here is your fiance going off to war now

this may be the last time you ever see him I want sorrow Lois I want pathos I want

you to take off your robe

Alright. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. Action.

Oh, Rhett. Rhett. Stay with me, Rhett. I want you to marry me. Please tell me there's something

I can do to make you stay. That's it. A motion. I want a motion!

Grab it!

I'll do anything you ask. Did you see that? I can't believe she did that. She looked right

at the camera. She looked right at the fucking camera! I can't handle this. What? What did

do? Come on, Bibi. Maybe she didn't know. What do mean she didn't know? She looked right

into the fucking lens of the fucking camera! No one...

That's a laugh. She's sorry. Come on, baby, give her another chance. Yes, please. I promise.

I won't look at the camera anymore. All right. Let's start with what we left off. Taki, you

ready?

Action! Oh, Red. I swore I'd never do this unless it was a matter of life, death. And

this is such a matter. Oh, Red.

Give me a minute.

Great. Lois, Lois, don't stop. Now go with it. Run with it. That's right. Build with

the sensations. Let the emotions grow. The sensations grow. That's right. Don't stop.

You

that good enough? It was better than good. It was better than magnificent. It was...

It was... Like a religious experience. Thank you. to be a big star, Lois. You're going

to be a very big star. And there's going to be one big reaction to these pictures. Well?

No, this isn't her. What do you mean it isn't her? That is your wife, Mr. Monacule. That

isn't Lois. got this to back it up. Look, I don't know how you've got this, but I don't

believe it. Look, you take this, you take the picture, and you get out of here before I call

the police and have you arrested. All right. Suit yourself.

thought for sure those pictures would do the trick. I thought Herbert would dump her this

time. Loyalty's a weird thing sometimes. Well, you tried. I want to let you know that I'm

going to pay you. It might take a while, but I will. But we haven't done the job yet.

I don't think you can do it. I guess Herbert really does love Lois. No fucking way. Listen,

I told you the X team always comes through and we always do. Howdy, y'all. This is Carrie

Anne Simpson. Maybe y'all heard of me. My daddy died and left me to business. To business?

oil business. My daddy built Simpson Oil with his own two hands. Well, anyway, I'm coming

out there tonight to the left coast and I wanted to meet with y'all about my advertising. You

all handle advertising, don't you? We certainly do. Good. Because we got us a little old 10

million surplus that we're going to spend on some commercials. I'll tell you what. Why don't

y'all meet me at my hotel suite, Parkview Hotel Suite 3600. That's the top floor. Parkview

Hotel Suite 3600 on the top floor. No, y'all ain't listening. I said it is the top floor.

I'll be looking forward to seeing y'all there. Bye now. Bye.

Yeah, hello, Glenis. Look, we have a meeting tonight at the Parkview Hotel. Yeah, whatever

you got planned tonight, cancel it. I guess we're supposed to wait from here. Right.

Something about this seems a little funny. I haven't heard of Simpson Oil before, you?

I suppose I have. I've just forgotten about it, that's all. Look, I'm sorry to have to

put you out like this. I hope you're not missing a date with a gentleman. No. Good. I don't

mean good that you don't have a date. I mean good that you're not missing a date with

someone special. Do you have someone special? That I go out with? No.

Did you hear that? Maybe it's Carrie Anne Simpson. No. No, I know this voice. It's my wife.

We have to hide. But why? We're at a business meeting. We're not doing anything wrong. Just

hide. Come on. Under the bed.

Let me help you out. Help me out. You don't want to see us. Okay, get down low. Get

down low. Ow. So cramped in here. Don't say anything. Don't breathe.

I didn't know these census takers made so much money. Sweet with the cost of fortune. No,

half a fortune. Besides, I'm not paying for it, Uncle Sam is. I have an expense account.

Really? These census takers must be very important people. Hey, hey, we were right up there with

the Congressional Massage Girls, President's Barber. We didn't come here to talk, did we?

I sure didn't. Well, like the man says, let's quit the jawn and get into some heavy fuck...

don't you hurry? I gotta be in Charlotte, North Carolina by morning. There's a lot of

black sharecroppers there. breeding like flies for last three years, so gotta count them.

I'm sorry. don't you spend the night here? got the room for the whole night. As a matter

of fact, even got a guy bringing up some champagne. You're sweet. Come back and see me. Will do.

service.

Sure. You're the health net. How'd you like to come over here for your tip?

you telling me the truth my wife is a slut whore slimy blood-sucking leech yes

You know about this all along? Yes. Then why didn't you tell me? I couldn't tell you.

As much as I love you, I couldn't do anything to come between you and Lois. Oh! You love

me?

course I love you. Would I have put up with you for all these years if I didn't? I guess

you're right. Maybe I should have married you instead of my wife. It's still not too late.

job well done by the X team. Say that again. Another job well done by the X Oh, shut up,

you guys. Let a woman get some sleep.

You better shut up.