Original subtitles

Slow down for a minute, will you, please, Jenkins?

All right, go ahead. Thank you.

Where are we, Jenkins?

5th Avenue, sir.

Well, l can see that, but why are we here?

Well, don't you remember, sir?

This is your wedding anniversary.

Oh, of course, of course. My 15th.

Delightful occasion. Thank you, Jenkins.

Good morning, Mr. Cortland.

I 'd like to get a bracelet, please.

Diamond, of course. Here we are.

Now, is this something like we have in mind?

Or perhaps this?

Oh, that's beautiful.

I'll take that.

Fine. To tell you the truth, that's my preference.

Now, will there be anything else?

No, thank you.

Oh, yes, yes.

l want to get something for my wife too.

How much is this?

Seven dollars.

Will you put it in one of your very best boxes, please?

- Yes. - Incidentally, what is it?

It's a Chinese back scratcher.

That's fine. Always wanted to have one of those.

Shall we send it, sir?

No, no, I'll give it to Mrs. Cortland myself.

And about the bracelet, sir?

I want that engraved.

Yes, and to whom?

To my dear, sweet...

May I use your telephone, please?

Why, of course. Right over there.

I'll have her name for you in just a minute.

- The boss wants you on the phone.

Thanks. I'm through with this table, Joe.

Someone's still a beat off.

Hello, chief.

By the way, Robert,

what's the name of that pretty girl

in the front line of the modern group?

The new one,

the one with the dimples on her knee?

Oh, Sheila Winthrop.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, Miss Winthrop...

Yes, Mr. Curtis?

Now, there's nothing l admire more

than the spirit of independence,

but sometimes it can be carried too far.

For instance, our group is known for absolute precision.

All the other girls are doing this dance one way,

and you're doing it another.

I'm sorry, but I don't know that part of the routine.

Would you like to try it with me?

I'd love to.

Tommy, let's have the second 24 bars.

Ready? One and two and...

That's much better. Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, now, listen, kids.

I want the whole number.

Come on. Places, please.

It's "Boogie Barcarolle" from the top,

and I'll do it with you.

Are you ready?

- Music.

Now, give me some nice straight lines, please. Go.

That's it. Take five minutes.

Sheila...

Just who do you think you're kidding?

- I don't know what you mean. - You know what I mean.

You know that dance routine as well as l do.

That's right.

Then why do you muff it when Mr. Curtis is around?

Because I like to dance with him.

Is that all?

I like the way he talks.

Is that all?

I like his personality.

Is that all?

Isn't that enough?

It's a good beginning,

but don't get your hopes up, dear.

Why not?

Because for eight hours every day,

Mr. Curtis is up to his hips in beautiful girls,

and we all look alike to him.

- Really? - Yes.

To a hungry man,

a lamb chop is a tasty dish,

but to the butcher,

it's just another hunk of meat.

Miss Winthrop, Mr. Cortland wants to see you in his office.

I take it all back, dear.

Thank you, Mr. Curtis.

What do you take back, Marge?

Oh, nothing. Just a remark l made about lamb chops.

Come in.

You sent for me, Mr. Cortland?

Yes, yes, l thought we might have a little chat.

Won't you sit down, please?

Thank you.

You know that l own this theater?

Yes, l do.

Fine, fine.

Did you know that l took an interest in your work?

Really?

Well, so much so that this morning,

as l was walking down 5th Avenue,

l saw something rather beautiful.

It reminded me of you.

I wanted you to have it very much,

and so l bought it for you.

This couldn't be a diamond bracelet, could it?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact.

It's engraved,

"To my dear, sweet Sheila ."

something l thought of.

How lovely.

We do understand each other, then, don't we?

Yes, we do, don't we?

Good.

Now, l 've got a little plan.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Mrs. Cortland is on her way in.

Thank you, Cummings.

I'm terribly sorry about this.

I quite understand.

Maybe this way would be better.

You are lovely, my dear.

Thank you, Mr. Cortland.

Oh, thank you, Miss Winthrop.

We'll consider the proposition closed, then.

I'm thinking of putting her under long-term contract.

She's an old friend of the family.

My family.

Her father and my father, you know. Like that.

- She's beautiful, isn't she? - Who?

Oh, she?

In a superficial sort of way.

Will you stop looking at me like that?

Like what?

Well, you ought to know. You're doing it.

Do we have to fight on our wedding anniversary?

How did you happen to remember that?

Well, Jenkins told me.

Very thoughtful of Jenkins.

Well, l was thoughtful too. l bought you a present.

It's over there in my coat pocket

if you want to go and look for it.

Oh!

Oh, it's lovely, Martin.

Interesting gadget, isn't it?

Gadget?

Yes, it's to scratch your back.

Scratch your back?

Yes, it's Chinese.

You know, you scratch it up and down and crosswise.

What on earth are you talking about?

Oh, wait a minute. I'll show you how it works.

Where did you get that?

Out of your pocket.

Look, my dear, there's been an awful mistake.

I can see there has.

Who is "dear, sweet Sheila"?

Oh, she's the little girl that just went out.

Now, don't jump to conclusions.

No, no, l won't.

We'll take it nice and easy.

But, Julia, you do not understand.

No, l know l don't, dear,

but l will when you explain.

Would you believe me if l told you

that l bought that for Robert Curtis?

Oh, it should look lovely on him.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Robert is crazy about Miss Winthrop,

and he asked me to pick a present out for her,

so l did.

See?

Frankly, I'm disappointed in you.

There was a time when your alibis were gems.

Remember the time you were involved with the Russian dancer?

She was Portuguese.

Before you talked your way out of that one,

you had rewritten the "Arabian Nights"

Now you've lost your imagination.

You're getting commonplace, and I'm getting bored with you.

Bored? With me?

Is it my fault you reached into the wrong pocket?

You started the whole thing.

That's the trouble around here

No privacy,

people reaching into wrong pockets,

no organization...

How's a man to run a theater?

Is this what you intended for me?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, you know, that's quite a collector's item.

Ming dynasty.

But it also has its practical side, you see,

because you can scratch yourself

in all sorts of places.

I imagine.

Oh, you're very thoughtful, Martin.

I'm sure Miss Winthrop will agree with me.

You don't believe me, then?

Oh, of course l do, darling,

but that's because l know you so well.

I'm just wondering how your story will sound

to 12 strange men.

Twelve strange men. Twelve strange men...

She's batty.

What's 12 strange men got to do with this?

Football team, 11 men.

A baseball team, nine.

Symphony orchestra, 100 men.

Twelve men...

A jury!

Robert, prepare yourself for a shock.

Julia is going to divorce me.

I'll be first to congratulate her.

How can you say that?

You know l don't want a divorce.

I'm a happily married man. l love my wife.

And besides, all this property is in her name.

She's going to strip me right down to my underwear too.

You ought to think of that before you go galloping

after something you shouldn't have and can't catch.

Who is it this time?

Sheila Winthrop.

I bought her this,

and my wife found it in my pocket.

I imagine you had a good reason

for buying that for Miss Winthrop.

I certainly did. We're good friends.

Oh, l see.

And besides, it's none of your business.

I agree with you.

Wait a minute. You're in this too, you know.

Me? What have I got to do with it?

Well, l told Julia that you bought this for Sheila.

I told her you were in love with her.

Oh, you did, did you?

Well, I'm going to tell her differently.

You don't have to.

She doesn't believe it anyway.

Please, Robert, you've got to help me.

If you get me out of this jam, it'll never happen again.

No more galloping, l swear it.

Please, Robert?

All right, what do you want me to do?

Well, it's very simple.

Tonight, I'll take Julia to the Crystal Roof for our anniversary dinner.

You bring Sheila there and prove to my wife

that you are in love with Sheila.

What?

Well, what would Sheila think?

Make her believe it too.

Because if she doesn't, Julia won't.

That won't be difficult.

She has a very friendly disposition.

Turn on the old charm, fascinate her,

throw stardust in her eyes.

Do anything, so long as you make my wife believe

l was telling the truth when l was lying to her.

Is that all?

Well, if you get a chance,

you might put in a good word for me with Sheila.

Hello.

I said, hello.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry.

For a minute, l was a long way off.

Have a nice trip?

Wonderful.

I'm glad you came back.

Incidentally, you dance beautifully.

You didn't think so at rehearsal.

Oh, that.

Confidentially, Sheila,

I'm delighted every time you make a mistake.

It gives me a chance to dance with you.

Confidentially,

l make mistakes for the same reason.

Good evening, Mr. Cortland.

What in the world are you looking for?

Who, me? Nothing.

Why should l be looking for anything?

Well...

- Thanks, Sheila. lt was lovely. - That's your fault.

Oh, look. There are Robert and Sheila.

Oh, how surprising.

Let's go over and say hello, just to be polite.

Just for a minute.

Oh, Robert...

Hello, Martin. Hello, Julia.

- Well, this is a surprise. - ls it?

- Of course it is. - Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you, Robert. That's mighty nice of you.

We have a table over here.

Way back is the best we could get.

I hope we're not going to crowd you.

Oh, Sheila, how rude of me.

You know Miss Winthrop, don't you, Julia?

- Yes. How do you do, Miss Winthrop? - How do you do?

It was outside my husband's office, wasn't it?

- Uh... - l...

- I'm glad you both dropped by - Well, we were coming

l was just about to

You first, Robert.

Well, thank you.

I was going to say I'm glad you both dropped by.

It makes a very pleasant occasion even more so.

Doesn't it?

And it happens to be our 15th wedding anniversary too.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Oh, Robert, did you see the lovely present Martin gave me?

It was a backscratcher. Chinese.

Ming dynasty. Ming.

When we were first married, it used to be orchids.

Now it's a backscratcher.

Well, try and scratch your back with an orchid, l always say.

It seems to be a special occasion for both of us.

How did you like your present, my dear?

What present do you mean, Mrs. Cortland?

That's the funny thing about orchids.

I was talking to a guy the other day,

a fellow that breeds- raises orchids,

and he said he couldn't do

With the orchids, you've got to

lt doesn't make so much difference

about the yellow ones, but that

Martin, what in the world are you doing?

I'm tying my shoe.

Try doing it with both hands.

Well, what were we talking about?

The present Robert gave Miss Winthrop.

Julia, can't you keep a secret?

Um, l was saving this as a surprise,

but now that you know about it, l hope you like it.

This couldn't be a diamond bracelet, could it?

Open it.

"To my dear, sweet Sheila ."

The funny thing

was that when my wife found that in my pocket,

she thought l was the one who bought it for you.

Well, Julia, how could you possibly think such a thing?

Because l know Martin.

Uh, do you like it, Sheila?

Like it? lt's wonderful.

It's the most gorgeous thing l ever saw.

Well, now what do you think, Miss Susie Suspicious?

Ask me later.

Oh, Mr. Curtis,

this is the nicest thing that ever happened to me.

May l call you Robert?

Please do.

Oh, I'm so deliriously happy, l don't know what to do.

Oh, yes, l do.

I'm going to phone all my relatives.

Sheila...

Mr. Cortland, who is that with Mr. Curtis?

Miss Sheila Winthrop.

Oh, Winthrop. A romance?

Yes.

They're practically engaged,

and you can quote her as being deliriously happy.

Thank you.

Ming dynasty.

"New Romance in show World ."

Uh-oh.

Robert Curtis and Sheila Winthrop. And then it goes on.

"The announcement will be a surprise

"to the many friends and associates of the world-famous choreographer

"who is currently engaged in directing the numbers

"for the ultra-modern revue at the Cortland Theater."

What else does it say, Aunt Louise?

That's about all,

except you are quoted as being "deliriously happy."

Who do you suppose put that in the paper?

Mr. Curtis, naturally, and that's carrying things too far.

I should think he'd be ready to quit after what l did to him last night.

Did he know you were doing it?

Of course.

He must have known l was trying to embarrass him,

and, apparently,

that newspaper article was to even things up.

How do you know he put it in the paper?

Because l 'd believe anything of him.

-I thought l liked him once.

But now l know the gentleman.

Hello? Who?

Tom! Of course she is.

It's your captain.

Tom, dear, where are you?

You mean to say you left the army to run itself?

For a few days.

I've been transferred to camp Weston, near where my mother lives.

I was going to ask you and Louise to visit us.

Well, that sounds delightful.

Why don't you?

That was before l read this morning's paper.

You mean it isn't so?

Then there's still a chance for me?

Fine. I'll be right up.

Hey!

Why don't you watch where you're going?

You're the first driver l ever saw who got out of his car to chase a man

after he'd already missed him.

Look

Hey, buddy, whose car is that?

Mine.

- Parked it right next to a fire hydrant. - Ha, ha, ha.

That wasn't there when l parked.

Oh, I'm sure it wasn't.

Every time it rains,

those fireplugs pop out of the sidewalk like mushrooms.

What's your name?

Put it over here.

Let that be a lesson to you.

And that's what happened. lt was all part of a game.

I see. This Curtis fellow pitched and you caught.

Before the party broke up, Sheila did some pitching of her own.

- I'd say the score was even. - I wouldn't.

Hello?

Who is it?

Oh, just a minute, please.

Mr. Robert Curtis is in the lobby.

- Shall l tell him to go away? - No, tell him to come up.

It'll save me a trip to the theater.

Will you come up, Mr. Curtis?

He sounded upset.

I'd like to really upset him.

You would?

You two wait in the other room. I'll handle this.

All right, come along, Tom.

Come in.

Miss Winthrop, what about this story in the paper?

What about it?

It seems to me you took a lot for granted, announcing we were engaged.

Are you trying to tell me that you didn't announce it?

I certainly am. Why would I?

What would l have to gain by such a ridiculous story?

That's the fellow who almost hit me on the street.

Have you got a gun?

Yes, but how can we get rid of his body?

Never mind that. Just give me the gun.

All right.

- Here. - oh!

All right, all right, l don't care who put it in the paper,

as long as you understand we're not engaged.

May l compliment you on your chivalry?

I didn't intend to hurt your feelings, but if l did,

l imagine the bracelet will more than make up for it.

I'm going in, and you can't keep me out.

No, no, Tom, not that!

Stand aside, Auntie! l know my duty.

- You, sir. - Tom!

What are you doing here?

I came to attend a wedding, and by God, there's going to be one.

I tried to keep him out, Sheila, but you know your brother's temper.

But, brother, dear, you don't understand.

Yes, l do. l heard every word he said, the dirty, no-good Yankee.

Say, what's this all about?

Honor, sir. My sister's honor.

Look, all l did was give her a diamond bracelet.

You admit you bought her a bracelet?

- I didn't buy it. - Then you stole it?

No, l didn't. somebody gave it to me, and l gave it to her.

You did that, and you still refuse to marry her, sir?

All l said was we're not engaged.

That's all l want to hear, sir.

- Sheila! - Darling.

- Yes? - Sorry, Mr. Cortland. No news yet.

Fine thing.

I own the theater.

I shoulder all the responsibilities.

I pay all the salaries.

I ask one simple question.

I want to find out how much Robert Curtis weighs,

and what's the answer?

I don't know.

Boy, am l in a jam.

I'm about to be sued, shot, or sabotaged.

Who's going to do all this?

Sheila's brother.

He has some silly notion about me and Sheila.

He's after me with the biggest gun you ever saw.

Oh, there's nothing to it. lt's just a badger game.

Just a badger game?

And it serves you right for getting mixed up with women.

Serves me right? You caused it all.

Don't try to implicate me in your sordid affairs.

I'm a married man.

Look, Martin, this is serious. You've got to help me out of this mess.

The fella's going to shoot me.

Well, if he shoots you, I'll fire Sheila.

That'll be a big help.

Well, then get a gun and shoot right back at him.

What l should do is call the district attorney's office.

And get this theater mixed up in a scandal?

Oh, no, no. I'm in trouble already.

Robert, they're going to draft you.

Draft me? How do you know?

I just found this. You're to report to the Medical Board this afternoon.

Everything happens to me.

Drafted. Wow.

I beg your pardon?

I said, "Wow."

The army is the solution to all my problems.

Hey, now don't be selfish, Robert. l can't run this theater without you.

Think of me a little.

You, l 've had enough of you, your theater, and your schemes.

- Besides, the army needs me. - Oh, not as much as l need you.

What makes you so sure you can pass that examination?

- How much do you weigh? - l don't know.

Well, we'll soon find out.

We'll get you on these scales in here, my boy.

We'll settle this right now.

Just as l thought. Five pounds underweight.

My troubles are over.

Listen, no five pounds are going to hold me back.

- I'm going to the Draft Board with you. - Oh, no, you're not.

- Next man, corporal. - Yes, sir.

Robert Curtis.

Everything's fine so far.

Now all we have to do is check your height and weight.

Right over here. Take off your hat.

I'm sorry, sir. l just had a shampoo.

- Take off your hat. - Yes, sir.

Stop that jiggling.

I must've caught a chill. lf l could just put my hat on

- No hat. stand still.

Yes?

Now?

All right.

Now do you think you can you stand still?

Yes, sir. Yes, I'm okay now, doc.

That's funny. l 'd have said you were five pounds under.

I fool them all, doc.

All right, son. You report to camp Weston. You'll leave from Grand central station.

Thanks a lot, doc.

You say, "Littl-a neck, long-a neck,

"great-a neck, Conneckticut."

All l want to know is when my brother, she's arrive.

I'm sorry, but l don't understand what you want to know.

He's not so smart.

Can you please give me a little information?

Thank goodness you speak English.

We're going to camp Weston, and l was wondering,

would it be better to take a train

and go all the way to

or get off at, change and go from there?

Why, yes, l... What was that again?

I said, would it be better to take a train

and go all the way to,

or get off, and come back the morning?

- I don't understand you. - Look, I'll put it another way.

We're going to camp Weston. You understand that, don't you?

- Yes. - All right, fine.

Is it better to take a train and go all the way to,

or would you leave to take the midnight special?

- Shall l repeat that? - No, please, don't.

Where are you going?

- I want to get one of these folders here. - I'll see you later.

Can you please tell me how long it takes to get to camp Weston?

Okay, soldier. Take a train and go all the way to.

You'll find this little and get there on time.

How's that again?

I said take a train and go all the way to.

You'll find it a lot sooner.

Oh, you mean in plenty of time?

No, l... What did you say?

L said, l thought you said they probably have it

near camp Weston,

which causes a problem, especially on Tuesdays.

A comedian, huh?

♪ Farewell, our hero Slave driver sublime

Hi, Francis! l don't believe it.

♪ Don't be like Nero

Hi, Jerry.

♪ And fiddle away your time - Who, me?

♪ If ever you're lonely

♪ Just remember this, please do

♪ You're the best of rookies

♪ And your sweet cookies are proud of you

♪ Thank you, thank you

♪ Why, l'm completely floored

- All aboard! - All aboard!

♪ All aboard!

♪ Good-bye dear friends of mine

♪ My dancing troupe divine

♪ Suzetta you should be next to Jean

♪ Janetta, you're not in line

♪ To go, l hate but, girls, l've got a date

♪ l'm shooting the works for Uncle Sam

♪ No crying, Marge and Myrt

♪ You need a girdle, Gert

♪ And promise me please to write, Louise

♪ And give me the latest dirt

♪ l'm off my queens to learn some new routines

♪ l'm shooting the works for Uncle Sam

♪ North, South, East, West All the boys are hep

♪ To do their darnedest to defend Miss Liberty's rep

♪ Cheer them both

♪ For even though they're slightly out of step

♪ They're shooting the works They're shooting the works

♪ Yes, ma'am, they're shooting the works for Uncle Sam

♪ Cheer them both

♪ For even though they're slightly out of step

♪ They're shooting the works for Uncle Sam

Detail... halt!

Release arms!

All right. All right.

Now... Who's making patty-cake with the feet?

Was it you?

Why, sergeant.

- You? - Wasn't me.

- Were you doing it? - Doing what?

That.

Oh, you mean this?

Say, you're not bad.

But don't do it again!

Sergeant, the supply officer wants to see you right away.

- I'll be right with you. - Right.

Any of you men have any experience drilling?

- I have. - March the detail over to the drill field.

Hey, buddy, come here. Put this in my tent.

Right shoulder arms!

Right face.

Forward march.

Backward march.

Halt!

Right face, forward march.

Backward march.

Right turn and face me slowly.

Left march. ln the rear, right.

Back, forward.

About face!

Right, set apart! Left face, forward!

Halt!

Do l have to keep telling you to

when l want you to go to the banks? Don't counter it.

Forward march.

on the double.

Right face.

On the double.

Now you're getting it! Razzle-dazzle!

Halt!

I thought you said you had some experience in drilling.

I did. l used to work for the city. street department.

Back in the ranks!

What's the matter?

Can't a guy get some sleep here?

Oh, it's that Curtis guy again.

Why don't you go to bed?

Get some sleep.

Quiet!

Hey, swivel Tongue, you got a match?

I can't find my sleeping pills.

I'll get you a light.

- Hey. l borrowed your flashlight. - Huh?

I said, your flashlight.

Oh.

Oh, there they are.

Hey, you can't take those without a chaser.

Hey, give me that cup, and I'll get you some water.

Oh, thanks, swiv.

What's the matter with you?

Shh. Quiet, fellas.

Why don't you be quiet?

Hi, buddy. What are you doing there?

Oh, I'm just getting some water for the.

Oh.

Watch.

Thanks, swiv.

I tripped.

Hey, l brought back your flashlight.

- What? - Your face is wet.

Oh, go away and let me alone, will you?

I was only trying to.

I brought back the.

Ow!

Hey! l borrowed your flashlight again.

- What happened? - l sat on this. lt was in my bed.

"You left town so quickly..."

Go away, will you? Go on.

Hey, swiv. swiv, where are you?

I don't know. I'm in the dark.

Quiet!

Come here. Let's have that light, will you?

"I didn't get to give this back to you.

"I nasmuch as l refused it

"When Mr. Cortland tried to give it to me,

"l see no reason why l should take it from you.

"Sheila Winthrop.

"P.S. May l compliment you again on your...

- "Chivalry." - "Chivalry."

Who's Sheila Winthrop?

I didn't realize it before,

but she is a very sweet young lady.

That's the first time l ever heard of a rabbit giving a carrot back.

Hey, l just want to tell you l won't need your flashlight anymore.

Look here, swivel Tongue. lf you come near me

- Quiet! - You guys be quiet.

It's him. He's making all the noise. shh! You'll wake everybody up.

Oh, one, two, ten.

I'm a heel. That's what l am, a heel.

Shut up, you heel!

Ouch! Ouch!

Ouch, ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch! Ouch!

What's going on here?

Ouch! Ouch!

Come on, get up.

- Come on, wake up. - Ouch!

- Get up. Wake up. - Ouch!

Come on, come out of it!

Oh, so you'll hit me too, will you?

Two days in the guardhouse.

If you ask me, you got off easy.

But l tell you, l wasn't drinking.

You gave a pretty good imitation of it.

I was just having a bad dream.

He kept jabbing at me with that pitchfork,

and the last thing l remember

- There he is again! - Hey, you!

Say, wait a minute.

- That's for the pitchfork. - You'll get 10 years for this.

Never mind, sergeant.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm really not Miss Winthrop's brother.

What happened in New York was a gag.

- That gun was no gag. - lt wasn't loaded.

Whether it was or not, l don't like you or your humor,

and you'd better keep away from me because every time l see you I'm going to bop you.

Do you know who that man is?

No, and what's more, l don't care.

Okay, buddy, I'm going to let you find out all by yourself.

- Mrs. Barton? - Yes. I'm looking for my son.

- I'll tell captain Barton you're here. - Thank you.

- Tom will be so glad to see you. - l should hope so.

He spent his whole leave convincing us to come here instead of Florida.

Don't let her fool you.

She could hardly wait to get out of New York.

Captain Barton sends his regrets.

- He'll be delayed a few minutes. - Thank you.

Where's the music coming from?

- From the guardhouse, ma'am. - Thank you.

Yes, ma'am.

♪ Evenin'

♪ Creepin' down the mountain

♪ Doo-be-doo-doo doo-doo-doo

♪ Wakes up Mr. Firefly

♪ Firefly

♪ Bullfrog sittin' there

♪ Starts a-croakin' but l don't care

♪ Since l kissed my baby Good-bye

♪ Baby, good-bye

♪ South wind

♪ Shakes the whole magnolia

♪ Moon Man lights the dingy sky

♪ The dingy sky

♪ Stars start sprinkling gold on the river

♪ But still l'm cold

♪ Since l kissed my baby Good-bye

♪ Since my baby and me

♪ Parted company

♪ l can't see what's the diff

♪ lf l live or l die

♪ Oh, Lord, l've taken

♪ Such a beating l'm no good

♪ Even cheating

♪ Since l kissed my baby Good-bye

♪ Since my baby and me

♪ Parted company

♪ I can't see what's the diff lf I live or I die ♪

Say, soldier. You're a beat off.

Sheila, what in the world are you doing here?

What in the world are you doing there?

Oh, l joined the army.

Oh, l see.

From penthouse to guardhouse.

Sheila, l got your letter and the bracelet.

I can't begin to tell you how badly

Do you like it down here?

The army? oh, it's wonderful.

No, l mean the guardhouse.

Oh, I'm not a prisoner.

I'm just inspecting the place.

It's part of a captain's duty.

Oh, captain Curtis.

How democratic of you to wear a private's uniform.

Oh, this is just temporary.

My tent burned down,

and l had to order a new batch of uniforms.

Someday, you're going to tell the truth, and you'll feel like a new man.

Sheila, how can l see you again?

Oh...

Keep sitting at that window,

and one of these days l might be passing by.

Where are you staying?

Fallbrook Farm.

May l call on you?

Yes, indeed, captain.

As soon as your new uniforms get in.

Sheila...

But l tell you, borrowing a captain's uniform isn't healthy.

What's health compared to romance?

Yeah?

What's romance compared to a court-martial?

I mpersonating an officer is a serious offense.

It's worth the risk, and if you'll shut up for a minute,

I'll figure how he can get hold of a uniform.

Even if he does, it won't fool anyone.

Curtis knows that.

Do you think he ought to take the chance?

I know the girl ain't going to be fooled by a uniform, but she will be impressed

if Curtis risks his neck trying to show up in one.

Now, all we've got to do is figure out how he can get a uniform, and-

Hey, Curtis.

How in the world did you get ahold of that?

I 've got a pull around here. Besides, nobody was looking.

- Boy, am l worried. - Wish me luck, boys. I'm on my way.

Just like Don Juan.

Boy, ain't romance beautiful?

Uh-oh.

Oh, how do you do?

How do you do? l came to see Miss Winthrop.

I expect her back almost any moment.

Won't you come in, captain...

- Uh, Curtis. - Come in, captain Curtis.

I was just about to have some tea.

Won't you join me?

Thank you.

I'm sure Sheila won't be long.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Was she expecting you?

Well, uh... yes.

I don't think l 've met you before, captain Curtis.

Oh, l just got here.

Um, l was sent from Washington

to make a general survey of army camps.

How interesting.

Sit down and tell me all about it.

So you were sent from Washington?

Yes,

I'm to make recommendations on how to improve living conditions

for the new selectees.

Indeed. Sugar?

Thank you.

You see, the enlisted man is the backbone of the army,

and sometimes, officers are not as considerate

as l think they should be.

Robert, what in the world-

You told me to call when l got my new uniform.

- Do you like it? - Well, Mother.

Captain Curtis, this is my son, captain Barton.

Did you say "captain Barton"?

Yes.

How are you, captain Curtis?

Not very well.

Captain Curtis was sent from Washington, dear.

He tells me he's going to make a report

on the relationship between enlisted men and officers.

Oh, is that so?

That must be the others.

Will you let them in, Tom?

I invited some of his friends for tea.

Will you excuse me?

- This isn't another gag, is it? - I'm afraid it isn't.

Why didn't you warn me?

How did l know you'd be silly enough to try a thing like this?

Where's the back door?

Captain Curtis.

I want you to meet my friends,

captain Nolan and captain Williams.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- You know Miss Winthrop. - Yes.

How do you do?

Oh, I'm so sorry we're late, Mrs. Barton, but somebody stole my coat.

Oh, how dreadful.

I hope this doesn't give you the wrong impression of our camp, captain Curtis.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

I'm sure the man who took it

is already suffering for it.

Captain Curtis has been sent here from Washington,

seems to be investigating us.

Oh, is that so?

Tell us, captain, how do you find conditions here?

Splendid, splendid.

The officers are all fine men,

and very lenient with the selectees...

l hope.

Have you investigated our guardhouses, captain?

Not completely.

I expect to spend much more time there.

Tell me, what action would you recommend

in the case of a private stealing a captain's coat?

Well, l wouldn't have him shot.

You wouldn't?

No, no, that's much too drastic.

Besides, it would spoil him for active duty.

What would you recommend?

I'd throw him in the guardhouse until he learned better,

which wouldn't take long.

Ah, yes.

A perfect recommendation.

Thank you.

Well, now, if you gentlemen will excuse me,

l have a very important engagement.

Good-bye, Mrs. Barton, and thank you very much.

I'll take you to the door...

Captain Curtis.

Do you realize the trouble you're in?

Who is this captain Barton?

A friend. Aunt Louise and l are visiting his mother.

- How good a friend? - A very good friend.

But this is no time to discuss that.

- You're in a bad situation. - l certainly am.

While I'm in that guardhouse, he'll be seeing you every day.

He's a nice young man.

I hope he gives our camp a good report.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

It won't be so bad, if you could arrange

to pass my window every day.

You're saying nice things again.

What's Mr. Cortland up to now?

Cortland hasn't anything to do with it.

This time, l mean everything l say.

And this time, l still don't believe a word of it.

I don't blame you.

Sheila, I'm awfully sorry

for everything that happened in New York.

How about starting over again from there?

Would you do that?

Well, yes.

We could try,

if you're sure you'd like to.

I was never so sure of anything in my life.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Where does the captain wish to go?

To the guardhouse...

And don't call me captain.

Welcome home, Curtis. We were expecting you.

Hi, fellas.

Here, my good man.

Take this back to the officers' quarters, and let me in.

You haven't done anything.

That's what you think.

What are you fellas in for?

We fought a rear guard battle for you, and got five days.

Oh, that's a shame.

How long are you in for?

Brother, l don't know, and l don't care.

I'm a man that's in love.

Yes, sir...

Hey, Curtis.

There they are again.

Same time every day for the last two weeks.

Looks like they're 10 minutes late today, by my watch.

Aw, cheer up, Curtis.

I'm getting out of here in a few months.

I'll give her your love.

I wish you fellas would shut up.

As long as you're wishing,

why don't you wish for a pardon and a horse?

All right, Curtis. come on.

What's up?

Colonel Shiller wants to see you.

About what?

We forgot to ask him.

Ain't that awful?

Come on.

And, although the army has received splendid cooperation

from men in your profession,

l must say that this is quite the most generous offer we've had.

Well, it's purely selfish, sir.

I just wanted to feel that l am having a part

in this great work that you gentlemen are doing.

Bringing your show down here certainly proves that.

You see, we feel our obligation to the boys

includes more than just teaching them to march.

private Curtis reporting to the colonel from the guardhouse.

- Bring him in. - Yes, sir. Come in.

At ease, private Curtis.

I think you know Mr. Cortland.

- Yes. Hello, Martin. - Hello, Robert.

Mr. Cortland's offered to bring his entire company from New York

to put on a show for us.

That's very generous of him, sir.

Oh, not at all, Robert.

Do you think you could forego the somewhat dubious distinction

of being a pioneer resident of the guardhouse

long enough to assist him?

Oh, I'm sure of it, sir.

Well, that's fine,

and so that the shock of being away from the guardhouse

won't be too great,

you will continue to spend your nights there.

Yes, sir.

Well, thanks again, Mr. Cortland.

Thank you, colonel Shiller.

And, by the way, have you arranged for your quarters?

No, l haven't, but I'm going to look around today.

I have an apartment in town. You can use that, Martin.

Well, now, Robert, that's very nice. Thank you.

I nasmuch as private Curtis won't be using it.

Well, good day, colonel.

That'll be all, Curtis.

All right, Martin, now, what's your real idea

in doing this show in camp?

Why, Robert, I'm surprised at you.

You know l 've always wanted to do something for the government.

Oh, yes, sure, sure.

Say, you'd think l was getting something out of this.

Only my services for nothing, that's all.

What do you mean, for nothing?

The government pays you $21 a month, doesn't it?

Where does that money come from? The taxpayers.

I'm a taxpayer.

Let me thank you, Martin.

Don't mention it, my boy.

If l didn't hate that guardhouse so much,

l wouldn't even be talking to you.

What are they for? To keep you from swiping the general's medals?

That's part of my deal with the government.

They wouldn't let you out of jail, except under guard.

Martin, every time you get an idea, something happens to me.

All right, I'm your man. The show is on.

But I'll tell you why.

Right next door lives a little lady

who's going to dance with me.

Little lady? Who?

Miss Sheila Winthrop.

Sheila Winthrop? up here?

Robert, you don't want her.

Why, she's a dangerous character.

She almost broke me up with my wife.

You know that.

Besides, l promised the part to somebody else.

Oh, now it comes out.

I thought l recognized that look in your eye.

Who is it now?

Well, she's a very nice little item named Sonya.

A gorgeous creature.

Now, l 've given her my solemn word

You can give her a bracelet instead,

because gorgeous Sonya isn't dancing in this show.

Robert, my pal

Look, l thought you promised there'd be no more galloping over rooftops.

Well, but this is different. she's a foreigner.

What's different about it?

A gallop is a gallop in any language.

Hey!

This way.

Hey, sergeant, bring me in a house here, will you?

Right here. Put it here, and look,

l want a tree right here.

That's right.

Let me see, now...

Hey, boys!

Bring in the ocean, will you?

That's right, come on.

Okay.

Sergeant, is Miss Winthrop ready?

- Yes, she's ready. - Okay.

That Miss Winthrop, she is so beautiful, and l hate her so much.

When is Mr. Curtis going to put me in her place?

Any day now, Sonya.

I'm working on a new angle.

A new angle, old angle, this angle, that angle.

I want to dance, and all you do is "angle" me.

Now, listen, Sonya, you trust me, don't you?

- No. - Well, that's ridiculous.

Everybody trusts me.

♪ My dear, l've a feeling you are

♪ So near and yet so far

♪ You appear like a radiant star

♪ First so near, then again so far

♪ I just start getting you keen, On clinches galore with me

♪ When fate steps in on the scene

♪ And mops up the floor with me

♪ No wonder I'm a bit under par

♪ For you're so near, and yet so far

♪ My condition is only so-so

♪ 'Cause whenever l feel you're close, oh

♪ You turn out to be

♪ Oh, so far

Sheila, you're wonderful.

That's because you're a good teacher.

What's wonderful about you isn't anything l taught you.

Oh?

What's wonderful about you is you.

That's bracelet talk.

Sure it is, but not the way you think it is.

That bracelet happens to mean an awful lot to me.

It brought us together.

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

That's the way l look at it.

That's why l bought it from Martin.

You did?

Robert, you're one of the most charming men l 've ever known...

And the most unconvincing.

Oh, captain Curtis, are we too late to see the rehearsals?

No, Mrs. Barton.

We're starting again in a few moments.

I'd like to speak to Sheila, if you can spare her.

Yes, sir. of course. For a few minutes.

I have something to tell her.

Tom is being transferred to Panama, Sheila.

Oh...

come on, Sheila. I'll tell you all about it.

Isn't it wonderful?

After all these years, they're going to be married.

What?

I didn't know a thing about it.

Well, he's going to ask her now.

Do you think she might say yes?

Of course.

Our family's been planning it for years.

Oh, don't look so upset, captain Curtis.

They won't be leaving for Panama until after your show is over.

Thanks. Pardon me, please.

I have to change my clothes.

Oh, Robert? Robert, wait a minute, please.

I'm going to give you one more chance to save my wife from a terrible fate.

- Sonya's threatening - You're wasting your breath.

Say, where's that bracelet l bought from you?

It's in your apartment, in my suitcase,

but this is no time for trifles.

Sonya, l tell you, is... Where are you going?

To my apartment, and look, if you say one more word,

I'm going to throw one of those bloodhounds at you.

To the apartment. After all l 've done for him.

After all these...

Hey, l changed the name on the bracelet!

Say, that's fine. I'm a genius.

Then I'll bring them together again, and your conscience will be clear.

But l do not worry about my conscience.

I only worry about my career.

You let me do the worrying, huh?

All right.

I let you do the worrying,

but if your plan doesn't work...

oh, it will work, believe me.

I wouldn't be mixed up in a thing like this.

It's pretty low, you know,

but it's a national emergency, my dear.

Well, Sheila?

Aunt Louise, Tom proposed to me.

Yes.

And out of the clear sky, I realized I... I was in love with Robert.

Did you tell Tom?

No, not yet. He asked me not to give him my answer till tonight.

What an eventful day this is.

When did Robert ask you to marry him?

Oh, he hasn't yet. But l think he will.

I suspected something like that.

Sheila, dear, l 've been married three times

- Four. - That's right.

I keep forgetting poor Mr. Trapscott.

Sheila. How do you do?

Sheila, you seem familiar with army regulations.

What happens to a private who goes AWOL?

Well, it depends. Why?

I'm afraid Robert's in quite a jam.

He's in his apartment in town now,

and colonel Shiller is due in half an hour.

- Why don't you phone him? - l have, and he doesn't answer.

If anything happens to that boy, I'll never forgive myself.

I'll go get him. My car's right outside.

You're sure it won't be too much trouble?

Not at all. There's something l want to talk over with him.

Thank you, Sheila. You don't know the load you've taken off my mind.

Bye, Auntie. see you later.

- Good-bye, dear. - Will you pardon me, please?

Martin, aren't you ashamed?

Hey. can you forget those gophers long enough to do me a favor?

Sure, what's up?

Listen, l 've got to go AWOL

long enough to get a wedding license.

I've got to convince the girl I'm on the level when l propose to her, see?

Miss Winthrop?

Yeah. Now, all l want you to do

is keep those guards so busy,

they won't miss me for an hour or so.

By the time you change your clothes,

we'll have everything under control.

Okay, fellas.

So long, fellas.

Hi, soldier.

Hey, fellas, did a hat go by here?

Hey, Kewpie!

Kewpie! Where are you?

Kewpie! l got him.

Kewpie! Here it is.

Oh, boy, are we lucky!

If he'd got away, good-bye, camp Weston.

What's going on here?

Shh, we got a spy under there.

A what?

It's a foreign pigeon from Europe.

What are you going to do with it?

We've got to get the major.

You fellas keep your eyes on it,

and don't let it get away.

Wait a minute. How can a pigeon be a spy?

Well, you see, they train them.

And besides, it's got a camera tied to its leg.

We caught it taking pictures of the camp.

Well, I'm a son of a gun.

Hey, don't do that.

If that bird ever,

you'd both be shot.

Don't let that pigeon get away from you, soldier.

Come on, swivel.

What's going on here?

Something's under the hat.

What is it, boys?

- It's a spy. - ln the hat.

In whose hat? Are you crazy?

It's a pigeon spy. European.

It's a spy, all right.

He's got a camera strapped to his leg.

Somebody's been kidding you guys.

Whoever heard of a pigeon that could operate a camera?

ow! son of a gun bit me!

Oh, Mr. Curtis. You frightened me.

What do you think you did to me?

What are you doing here?

This happens to be my apartment.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

Mr. Cortland told me l could use it.

Well, now, that's mighty chummy all around, isn't it?

My, this is terrible.

What would people think?

Oh, now, take it easy, my innocent little friend.

I'll be out of here in one minute,

and tell Mr. Cortland

the next time he passes out apartments

that don't belong to him...

Uh-oh, the bloodhounds.

Sheila.

Robert, are you there?

Why, Sheila.

Imagine you standing there.

Why, yes, it's Sheila.

You might let me in. I'm not selling anything.

Oh, sure, sure, come in.

Well, Sheila, how are you?

I'm fine, but you're in trouble.

What trouble did you hear about?

You're AWOL, and they're looking for you.

Honey, as trouble goes, that's nothing.

If you go back to the guardhouse, that's a lot of trouble to me.

Sheila, that's sweet.

Come on now. I'll drive you back in my car.

That must be the boys. Better let me handle this.

Oh, Miss Winthrop.

Is private Curtis in here?

Well, l thought he was in the army.

He'll be in the army plenty when we nab him.

Well, there's no hurry.

We'll wait around a while.

- Is there a back way out? - Back way?

This is a second floor apartment.

Oh, wait.

There's a fire escape outside the bedroom window.

Hold it.

We can't go in there.

Why not?

Well, you see, that's my bedroom.

Robert, don't be coy.

Well, l mean, there's work going on in there.

There's a-a-a plumber.

What difference does that make?

What difference?

There you are.

He's just fixing the shower, isn't he?

Come on.

Charming, wasn't it?

You mean, that little

That dainty little garment, yes.

What the well-dressed plumber is wearing, l guess, hmm?

Well, you know, it takes all kinds of plumbers to make a world.

It was simply adorable.

I'd love to know where he bought it.

Oh, now, Sheila, l wouldn't do that.

You don't know how some people feel about those things.

Yoo-hoo! Plumber?

Yoo-hoo!

His voice is changing.

Sonya, come out of there.

Yes, Robert?

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

Sonya, tell Miss Winthrop exactly what happened.

Shall l, uh, tell her everything?

Yes.

What do you mean, everything?

Don't you believe it, Sheila.

I don't.

Sonya is trying too hard.

Oh, Sheila, you're wonderful.

I'm surprised, Sonya.

This is the oldest game in the world.

- Oh, you think so? - Yes.

If l were you, l 'd stick to plumbing exclusively.

Sheila...

A plumber? Aren't you silly?

Why didn't you tell me the truth?

Darling, how did l know you were one girl in 50 million?

Well, let this be a lesson to you.

Come on, let's get down this fire escape.

Oh, by the way, what did you come to your apartment for?

Oh, uh, it was a surprise, Sheila.

- For whom? - You.

Tell me.

No, l 'd rather wait until after the show.

Oh, but now that l know

No. I'll tell you later.

Come on, let's go.

That's it, isn't it?

I'm going to feel awful about this.

You shouldn't have done that.

No.

Especially since it's "For Dear, Sweet Sonya"

What is?

I can see why you wanted to save the surprise, Robert.

Holy smoke. something's happened here.

So it seems.

But l bought this bracelet from Martin, and

certainly, and after he sold it,

he went to all that trouble, just for the fun of it.

You know Martin's apt to do anything.

"One woman in 50 million"

can certainly be simple-minded at times.

There's a perfect explanation.

Suppose you write it to me.

A letter will reach me in Panama in about a week.

Panama? What's Panama got to do with this?

Didn't l tell you?

I'll be there with captain Barton.

We're leaving in a few days, right after the marriage.

Oh, Sheila, you've got this all wrong.

Shh! The guards.

Hello, would you please get me Mrs. Martin Cortland,

Adirondack 5636.

Thank you. I'll hold on.

See you at rehearsal.

Sure thing, baby. You said it.

Now, that's sensible.

Martin will be very happy.

Oh, he'll be tickled pink. Everybody will be happy.

Mm-hmm. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Hello? Hello?

Julia?

This is Robert.

Yeah. Julia,

Martin and l are putting on a show at camp.

Uh-huh...

Well, hello, boys. l 've been looking all over for you.

Sit down.

Uh, Julia, what l called to say is,

it looks like very stormy weather up here.

Do tell.

Uh-huh.

It's a tornado, honey.

A hurricane.

In fact, the blow is so hard, it lifts you right off your feet.

Good-bye. l have to go now.

To the guardhouse, boys.

Hey, Sonya's going to be very good in this show.

I don't think we'll miss Sheila at all, do you?

Oh, l don't think so, Martin.

Is she really going off to Panama with that Barton fellow?

- So l 've heard. - Too bad.

It's your own fault, though. You will play around.

Oh, I'm just a dirty dog.

Well, live and learn, l always say.

Live and learn.

- Robert, do me a favor, will you? - What is it?

Look back and tell me, is that Julia?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Did you have anything to do with this,

you despicable, sordid

Well, Julia, my dear, this is a delightful surprise.

Hello, Martin, dear.

- Hello, Robert. - Hello, Julia.

Well, Julia, you'd think you'd telegraph and warn a person.

Not that I'm not tickled to death to see you.

You look delirious.

He's missed you terribly, Julia.

He's been pining his heart away.

Why, only yesterday, he rushed into town to buy you something.

A lovely little trinket.

It's right there in his pocket.

Ah. something to scratch with, no doubt.

Well! Well...

"For My Dear, Sweet Sonya"

Now, listen, Julia, there's been a hideous mistake.

Oh, Sonya, would you come here a moment, please?

I can explain everything.

Better make it a good one, Martin.

Well, it's Robert.

I'm using his apartment, and last night, he said to me,

"Martin, bring me the bracelet l bought for Sonya ."

Look at it.

It's the same one he bought for Sheila,

but he broke Sheila's heart playing around with Sonya,

and she gave it back to him.

And then the cad had the name changed , you see, on the very same bracelet.

Boy, that was a pip.

Here, take back your filthy bauble, sir,

and in the future,

do not make me a party to your low intrigues.

Yes, Mr. Curtis?

This little present is for you, Sonya.

Oh, how wonderful.

"For My Dear, Sweet Sonya"

Oh, Martin!

I love you, darling!

Stop it! stop it! What is the meaning of this?

Sonya, this is Mrs. Cortland.

Mrs. Cortland?

Yes, my wife.

The woman l treasure.

Sonya, didn't you say something

about having possibly to leave the show?

Why, yes.

Yes, there's my sick uncle, and my sick cousin, and

And something might happen to you too.

Yes.

Well, I'm happy to have met you, Mrs. Cortland.

Well, there goes your gal.

Boys, back to the guardhouse. Let's go.

What do you mean, guardhouse?

What about the show?

Show? Without a leading lady?

Ready, boys?

Wait, there's Sheila. You've got to get her back.

She's going to Panama. However...

lf you tried explaining what happened

in my apartment with "Dear, Sweet Sonya"...

Who, me? l don't know what you're talking about.

That's what l thought.

It's my constitutional right to serve my sentence.

I demand to be taken back to the guardhouse.

Okay, soldier, let's go.

- Robert, my - Now, Martin, my pet...

I'm going to get to the bottom of this Sonya matter if it's the last

Julia, l am as innocent as a newborn babe...

or a little older, perhaps.

Hey, Kewpie, swivel Tongue, where do you think I'm going?

Again? What happened?

Oh, nothing. show's off, that's all.

Off? How come?

Miss Winthrop decided to go to Panama instead.

Now, l ask you,

disappointing all those poor soldiers,

is that fair of Miss Winthrop?

It's a crime.

That's what l think.

Understand?

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Well, what are we waiting on?

So you see, fellas, she walks right out on the show.

Yeah. They promised us a big shindig,

and all of a sudden, it's off.

How do you like that?

How did she get that way?

So these two fellas tell me there's no show.

What are we, soldiers or mice?

So this Winthrop gal picks up and walks.

What's the idea? she can't do that.

I'm sorry, colonel, but if Uncle Sam himself

were to walk in here and ask me

to go back into that show, l 'd...

colonel, Miss Winthrop and l are all packed

and ready to leave on our honeymoon, sir.

Well, what's so important about a honeymoon?

When you've been married for 25 years, as l have,

you'll look back and wonder

But never mind that.

One more word from you, and I'll be forced to have you disciplined.

Yes, sir. sorry, sir.

Now, here's a problem

for that charming captain Curtis to handle.

I have a funny hunch he's working on it.

- Miss Winthrop - You're wasting time, colonel.

You hear that, Miss Winthrop?

The whole blooming army is calling for you,

and l might say, that includes myself.

Say, Sheila's changed her mind.

The show's on.

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

All right, Curtis. come on, let's get going.

Yes, sir, one second, just one second.

I got a little business about the show.

Look,

l put a big military wedding number in this show for a purpose.

With Sheila and l as bride and groom, see?

Yeah?

What l had in mind was,

suppose you fellas got a real justice of the peace to play that part?

That would save Miss Winthrop that little trip to Panama.

See what l mean?

- Yeah. - Sure.

All right, get to work, and no slip-ups.

See you in the auditorium, fellas.

All right, kids, let's go.

♪ I'm takin' such a beating I'm no good... ♪

Sheila...

Yes?

It's going fine, don't you think?

One more number and it'll be over,

and that'll be even finer.

You're going to be the loveliest bride anybody ever saw.

If you recall, the army said, "Just dance with him,

you don't have to talk to him"

♪ Oh, here comes the bride, no less

♪ lt's hot stuff that fluffy dress

♪ I must admit, though she's lit

♪ She looks a bit sweet

♪ No wonder her Romeo begins shouting hi-de-ho

♪ As his bride starts to stride to a boogie beat

♪ There's a big increase ln marriages

♪ Due to a tune, they say

♪ The wedding cake walk ls the roundelay

♪ When newlyweds ln fancy carriages

♪ Leave that reception gay

♪ The wedding cake walk sends them on their way

♪ Pasty choirs in tasty churches give it all they got

♪ Prudish old preachers on their perches

♪ Say, "Amen, it's hot"

♪ All those bridal suites at Claridge's

♪ Have radios that play the wedding cake walk

♪ Night and day

If any person can show cause

why they may not lawfully be joined together,

let him now speak, or forever hold his peace.

Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

In accordance with the authority vested in me,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Will you please stop? The show is over.

The real show has just started, Mrs. Curtis.

Mrs. what?

Ladies and gentlemen

oh, just in time, captain Barton, and my dear friend, Martin.

Listen, everybody. Sheila and l are man and wife.

Yes, my friends,

the man who performed the wedding ceremony

was a real justice of the peace.

You are, without a doubt, the

Let go of me.

Guards, l believe Curtis was to be returned to the guardhouse

right after the show wasn't he?

- Yes, sir. - Come on, Curtis.

I'll have this annulled tomorrow, and then I'll have him arrested.

Think it over, darling.

A husband in jail is no use at all.

Sheila...

You and your show.

Now, listen, now that you're married,

l can't let my pal Robert be tortured like this,

so l 've got to tell you that l changed the name on the bracelet.

It was l who framed the whole thing up in his apartment,

just so that l could get Sonya into the show.

I'd have told you all this before,

but that old G-woman of mine

Oh, you darling!

I wonder if they have daylight saving around here?

Hurry up, swivel.

Curtis has to have a honeymoon.

He should've told us to start digging from the guardhouse.

Oh, shut up and dig.

Mrs. Curtis calling on her husband.

The last l heard, the Curtises don't live here anymore.

They broke up, l heard.

I heard she might be coming back to him.

You did?

Mm-hmm,

but it's rather awkward,

with the bridegroom behind bars.

Awkward? lt's awful.

I could pitch a tent out here,

and we could look at each other.

Curtis...

Curtis, on recommendation of captain Barton,

I'm releasing you for your honeymoon.

Colonel, you're a sweetheart.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

Yes, sir, thank you.

Curtis? Curtis?

I guess we're lost.

It's pretty foggy tonight.

Yes, you see,

we had a date with,

so we're going to China to.