Original subtitles

Okay, Calvin, before we go in,

let's make sure we have our story straight.

What story?

We went to a sleazy casino on the state line

where your dad was laundering stolen money,

and now he's in jail.

End of story. Okay.

Calvin, my dad apologized for getting us involved,

and he did take the fall.

He didn't take the fall.

He did the crime. He is the fall.

Hold on.

Calvin, wait. Hold on.

No, Cal...

I need your advice on what to do with my dad's money.

I'm not giving you advice, Dave.

Okay, now, he did steal the money, which is bad,

but he stole the money from bad people, which is good.

Also, he put the money in an educational savings account

for Grover, so, I mean,

two goods outweigh one bad, right?

David, I almost got hemmed up

by your dad and his foolishness once.

I am not in it.

So you think I should give it back?

I think that I'm never talking about this again.

I will move, Dave.

Well, you've threatened that before.

I'll just follow you.

Okay. (laughs) One more.

(laughing) All right, you go. Go, go. Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. All right.

COURTNEY: Okay. MARTY: You better go, girl.

You better go.

(laughing): Okay.

(vocalizing)

(screams)

Uh...

Dad. Good evening.

Well, it certainly seems to be a good evening for you.

(laughs) Aw, that?

No, uh... That, uh, Courtney had a...

eyelash on her lip, and I was just helping her get it off.

With your tongue? No, I-I had to,

I had to blow it like... (blows) like--

(stammers) No, Dad, wait, wait, please, please, please.

Don't say anything to Mom.

Courtney and I are in a really delicate place,

and we're not sure where it's going.

Nope, no need to explain. All right? I'm not in it.

Okay. (laughs)

Ow!

Ow!

(grunts)

Wow.

You can tell that boy ain't got none in a minute.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. It's bad. (sighs)

You just got your dad back in your life,

and now, you're losing him again.

You poor, poor man. (sighs)

Thanks, honey.

So...

I hate to even bring this up, but...

Are we gonna keep the money?

Are we?

I want to so bad.

Oh, not as bad as I do.

Oh, I love you. I love you more.

Um, but what do we tell Grover?

Okay. All right. Uh... You know,

I think we have to tell him the truth.

You know, if we're morally comfortable

with what we're doing, well,

we should be able to explain that to him.

Totally agree-- in theory-- but...

I think the healthier thing to do--

for the child-- is...

to put a little spin on it

till he's old enough to understand the-the-the nuance.

So, we'll lie. I love you so much.

I love you.

Hey, break yourself, fool. Oh, God!

Chili Mangold.

You fall for that every time, burrito.

Uh, yup. And you do it every time.

What are you doing here, man?

What, I can't stop by to see

my old college roommate for no reason? No.

You are here because you want something

or you want to rub my face in something.

Really, Malcolm?

You think I would drive all the way up here

just to tell you I'm Mountain West baseball coach of the year?

You already know that. (laughs)

Yes, I do.

(laughs)

Whose Corvette is that?

You know whose Corvette that is, baby.

That's Chili Mangold's Corvette. (laughing) Chili.

All right. What's up, Chili?

Hey, still doing that third person thing, I see.

Hey, it's just Chili being Chili, baby.

Good to see you, man. It's been too long.

Come on, you got to do it for me. No, no, no, no.

Chili. Come on, Chili. I'm not really feeling it. No.

Come on. No. Chili, you got to hit the Wiggle.

(overlapping chatter)

Yeah. You got to hit the Wiggle. (laughs)

There it is, baby.

Wow.

I don't know what this is, but I want in.

Dave, stop. Uh-uh. Dave...

David, you... Yo, Dave. MALCOLM: Dave, stop.

Chili thinks this guy's got that magic in his hips.

DAVE: Ha.

All right, yeah. Who's, uh, who's Chili?

He's Chili. Chili calls himself Chili.

Oh, well, Dave thinks that is so cool.

Look, I got to bounce.

I'm scouting a catcher at John Muir High,

but, Malcolm, we got to catch up, okay?

Yeah, sure, sure. Um, we should get dinner sometime.

Hey, well, no time like the present.

Yeah, but-but-but-but, you know, I got this thing

that I got to do. CALVIN: Oh, come on, man.

Forget your thing. How often is Chili in town?

(laughs)

You're coming over for dinner tonight.

Hey, Chili could wiggle that into his schedule, baby.

(laughing)

His charm is infectious. How can you not love that guy?

How much time you got?

Good morning, Miss Tina. Hey.

I'm just here to get Daphne's toys from last night.

Okay.

Beautiful day, huh?

It's 50 degrees and overcast.

That's earthquake weather.

Well, it's been a while since we had a good shake-up, right?

When those tectonic plates build up all that pressure,

something's got to give.

Well, it's, um,

nice to see you in such a good mood.

You've been so stressed out lately.

You've been wearing your shoulders like earrings.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, I guess I have been

a little on edge, but, hey,

it's amazing what a good night's sleep will do.

Mm-hmm.

Morning. Good morning, Mr. B.

I love that color on you.

You two have a splendid day. (laughs)

Thank you. I-I think I will.

(laughs) Okay.

That girl's gone out and got her some.

What? What would make you say that?

Because I'm a woman, Calvin.

I know what the afterglow looks like.

Can't the girl just be glowing?

Uh-uh. Not like that.

You heard her say "splendid."

You know the last time I said "splendid"?

You and I were naked in that waterfall in Ocho Rios.

Ah.

It was pretty splendid. (laughs)

Ooh, poor Marty. I wonder if he knows.

I think he still has feelings for her.

Okay, Tina, I'm not in it,

and you're not in it, so let's stay out of it.

You know there's no chance of that.

Hey.

Uh, is-is Grandpa here?

No. Uh, see, Grandpa stayed in-in Nevada.

He loves the desert, and he's thinking about living out there.

Yeah, in a, in a planned community.

Uh, why is his car outside?

(laughing): Look at you, noticing things.

Yeah, uh, well, you see, Grover,

uh, Lady Luck shined upon your grandpa,

and he hit the jackpot in a casino,

so he bought a new car.

Oh, that's awesome. What-what kind of car did he get?

A Chevy...

G... T... R... That's enough letters.

But don't worry, he won't be gone forever.

Okay, um, maybe I'll text him.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't do that. No. Um...

All right. Are-are-are you two okay?

Yeah, we're fine. You okay? (chuckles) Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Go do your thing.

(sighs) That was close.

This is the day he turns into frickin' Columbo?

Calvin.

What, Dave?

I think Grover's onto us.

He is asking a lot

of questions about what happened to his grandpa.

First of all, there is no "us."

Your son, your dad, your business.

No, no, no. It is all of our business.

If we tell Grover the truth about the money,

he is going to be an accomplice, just like you and me.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You have me confused with someone who's in it.

But you agree that we should keep it.

I mean, it's like you always say,

"When it comes to money, it's not where it's from,

it's where it's at."

I don't always say that.

Yeah. (scoffs) But you're right.

I don't think I've ever said that.

Okay.

Calvin, the important thing to remember is this:

if Grover asks you anything,

my father is living in a planned community in the desert,

you don't know his new phone number, and

he has a new car, a Chevy GTR.

Chevy does not make a GT...

O-Okay. Okay.

I see what you're doing.

I am not in it.

And we're not talking about this again. Great.

It's like you always say, "Tight lips, tighter hips."

I have literally never said that.

Oh, hey, Marty.

Oh, hey, Mama.

So...

Courtney seems well.

Oh, she does.

Very well.

Good for her.

You know, has anything changed in her social situation?

Okay, okay, okay. I did not want to get involved.

I just don't want to see you hurt.

Well, I just saw her, and I can tell.

She's seeing someone.

She seems

very, very, very, very happy.

Really?

But, baby, you do not have to be brave

in front of me, okay? Okay.

Let the hurt out. Come on, come on. Oh.

Come on. Give Mommy some. Oh.

Oh, my poor baby.

So what is your deal with this Chili guy?

You don't like him, but you invite him over for dinner?

No, Courtney. I did not invite him.

What I said was,

"We should get dinner,"

which everyone knows means we should never get dinner.

I mean, yeah, what's not clear about that?

It's like when me and you go out to eat,

and I say "We should split the check." (chuckles)

You know I ain't paying.

Well, exactly, but everyone doesn't fawn all over you.

Chili gets away with murder because he's charming

and he's... he's got this inspiring story

of coming over to America when he was a child

by stowing away on a fishing boat.

Damn, Malcolm.

Don't make a thug cry.

Okay. Okay, fine, so he's got a heartwarming story.

So that means I'm just supposed to overlook

all the foul stuff he's done to me?

All the times I covered for his ass?

And yet, he's the one that gets blessed with everything.

Yeah, that's true. And he's always doing better than you.

(scoffs)

Hey, everybody. Oh. Hey.

Malcolm, Mom wants you to go to Bristol Farms

and get that French sour cream for the baked potatoes.

(laughs) Of course, because

Heaven forbid the great Chili Mangold

eats domestic sour cream.

(laughs) Meanwhile,

your mom gives me a cold Pop-Tart and calls it breakfast.

She wrong for that.

Man, you love Pop-Tarts.

Yeah, the ones with frosting, and she knows that.

Oh, she is sound asleep. Courtney,

we have a problem.

My mom knows that you've been pleasured.

Excuse me?

Sexually. Apparently, it is all over you.

I shouldn't have gone over there.

What was I thinking?

That lady can see right through me.

She knew I was pregnant before I did.

Calm down.

I mean, we did a thing,

but we don't even know if we are a thing.

And now, she's gonna make it a huge thing.

No, no, no, no. The good news is,

she doesn't know that you hooked up with me.

All she knows is that it was with someone

who is great at sex.

Get over yourself.

I'm just saying, we just got to keep it cool for dinner tonight.

I know it might be hard, but could you just try

not to act like you didn't get your world completely rocked.

(laughs) Okay.

Chili Sauce. Hey, man. You know what?

Out of all of Malcolm's friends, you're my favorite.

Oh. Hands down.

I'm standing right here.

I said what I said, Trey.

TINA: So, Chili,

so good to have you.

Um, so tell me, what is Shohei Ohtani like?

MALCOLM: (laughs) Mama.

Chili played two seasons with the Mariners ten years ago.

He does not know Shohei.

Oh... Actually, I do.

I also played a few seasons in Tokyo.

TINA: Really? Even picked up a little Japanese.

Oh. Domo arigato.

(speaks Japanese)

(laughing) Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Hey.

Oh, uh, Gemma, Grover, meet Chili.

(gasps) Oh, Dave's been doing your wiggle all day.

Oh, he is quite the dancer.

He's... (laughs) Sure.

Wait, so... so my dad said you were a mariner?

Yeah, that's right.

Ah, that's so cool.

What kind of boat did you have? Oh.

Excuse me?

He's not into sports so much.

Uh, was it a schooner? Oh.

Um...

Marty, are-are you using a new sort of facial scrub?

No, why?

'Cause you are glowing.

You're getting it from somewhere.

(yelps) What are you doing? Get away.

Get away.

What?

Dave just told me I was glowing.

Well, I guess you've been

pleasured sexually, too. (laughing)

It's all over you.

Okay, okay, all right. I'm establishing

a 15-foot perimeter. Do not violate it.

Radius or diameter?

You know damn well I meant diameter.

Ooh, ooh, Calvin. Calvin. Quick word.

What?

I know Dave's kept you in the loop

on our little money situation.

Uh, yeah, and I'm trying to stay out of the loop.

I know, I know. I just, I want to reiterate

how important it is that you don't say a word to Grover.

Right. Right, right, right, right.

You-you know what? I'm glad you reminded me

because Grover and I were going bar-hopping tonight,

and, um, after a couple of longnecks,

who knows what I might say?

Okay. You know.

Hey, Calvin, remember

we went to see Malcolm and Chili

play against UCLA, and Chili hit that walk-off homer?

Oh, my God. CALVIN: Oh, yeah.

That's when he did the dance at the plate.

They showed it on TV and everything.

Yup, yup. The Chili Wiggle.

Oh, that wiggle? (overlapping chatter)

Come on, Malcolm, Wiggle with us.

No, no, no, no. Stop it. Stop it.

Dave, for the love of God.

There is no Chili Wiggle, okay? It's the Malcolm Wiggle.

It was my thing. I used to do it in the dugout,

and then Chili did it on ESPNU, and suddenly, it's his thing.

Y'all just don't get it. He didn't just take my dance.

One time, he was about to flunk out of school,

and he stole my term paper and put his name on it.

Yeah, but y'all think he walks on water,

but it's not true. I had to bail him out constantly.

No, it's true. It's true.

One time, I took a credit card out in Malcolm's name,

and we still owe Circuit City $180 bucks.

(Calvin and Chili laugh)

That's not funny, Pop.

He's right, it's not, amigo.

And that's just one of the many times I screwed over my friend.

You see? Finally, the truth comes out.

Yes. And the truth is... Mm.

...I'm an alcoholic.

There you go. (laughing) Malcolm Wiggle.

Do the Malcolm.

You say what now?

That's the reason I'm here.

I'm in a 12-step program,

and I came to make amends with Malcolm.

I'm sorry, brother.

CALVIN: Aw. Aw, Chili. CHILI: For everything.

So brave. I mean, it's tough, man.

You know, drinking is... Y'all have got to be kidding me.

So you're not here for a scouting trip?

No. Don't be crazy. I got people that do that for me.

It's just, it's so great to unburden, yes?

If there's one thing I've learned

from my sponsor, Robert Downey Jr., it's...

Uh, okay, wow. (laughs)

Isn't that supposed to be anonymous?

You're right. RDJ taught me...

...the best part about being sober is

you can finally stop with all the lies. Mm.

The lies we tell other people.

The lies we tell ourselves.

OTHERS: Wow.

Chili, would you eat a Pop-Tart without frosting?

No, I don't think I would, amigo. Yeah.

You hear that, Dave? Gemma?

The lies you tell yourselves.

What lies?

(sighs) Okay, fine.

Grover, we should talk.

We have some bad news about Grandpa.

Is-is he dead?

Oh. No. Actually, we have some good news, then. Come on.

TINA: Calvin.

Um...

I just cannot stand seeing Marty like this.

Like what?

Well, he's so upset, he can't even be near Courtney.

I think it's messed up for her to hang around here

and play with Marty's emotions. I'm gonna tell her.

No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Look, I tried to stay out of it,

but it looks like I got to be all up in it.

Okay. What?

All right, now, Tina, what I'm about to tell you

stays between us. Okay.

But you were right, Courtney is getting some.

I knew it.

From Marty.

God is so good.

Oh. (laughs) Oh, okay, all right, all right, okay, put your arms down.

Now, Marty and Courtney will tell everybody

when they are ready.

Okay, okay, I got it. Okay.

I know how to be cool, you know.

So... (screams)

(laughs) So good to see y'all here tonight, together.

You know, for Chili. (laughs) (laughs awkwardly)

Well, y'all enjoy, okay? Have fun. Okay.

Okay. (laughing)

Yeah...

BOTH: She knows.

Dad, I can't believe you told Mom.

Look, she's your mother, but she's my wife.

And you're not the only one that wants that glow.

So... it's okay to steal?

See, that's the great thing. We didn't steal. DAVE: Mm-mm.

We just accepted money that was stolen.

Stolen from bad people.

And wouldn't giving it back to them

be worse than keeping it ourselves?

Plus, they're all dead.

I should've mentioned that part.

I mean, we're not gonna give money back to dead bad guys.

That'd be silly. Yeah.

The point is, is that money is gonna pay for your education.

And you're gonna clean that dirty money

by doing something good with it.

Like, you know, going to college

and discovering a cure for a cancer.

Not all cancers, just one is plenty.

Or something environmental.

Like, fighting climate change, that's a good one. GEMMA: Mm.

Wait, so...

Grandpa stole this money? DAVE: Mm-hmm.

And you guys took it and because of that

I got to fix the whole world?

Good deal, right?

Man... Life is so unfair.

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