Original subtitles

-What have you done with the plate? -Nothing.

Nothing? It's shattered all over the kitchen.

It's not. Where have you been? Go set the table.

-They'll be mismatched... -I'll do it if you won't.

Go away. I didn't say I won't.

Just that the plates will be mismatched.

Put the mismatched one at my place at the table.

Have you checked the fairy lights?

-They're working. -You sure?

-Yes. -Absolutely sure?

No.

They're working.

-Why did you put that sweater on? -It's just a sweater.

Change it, you wore it yesterday.

What are you on about? It was the orange one with the shitty pattern.

-You're clueless. -I hope you're right.

Why are you walking around in those muddy shoes?

-You told me to get more firewood. -I just washed the floor.

Go change your clothes. He'll be here any minute.

What's this? Don't tell me you broke it.

Of course not. I took it apart to put it back together again.

I've told you a hundred times to be careful with those.

True.

You know we don't have a spare one.

Go change your clothes, he'll be here any minute now.

Give me that!

I told you they're working.

Can't be too sure.

THE UNCLE

May you and your family be blessed this Christmas.

And may the Lord be with you.

Brother, fall into my arms!

Welcome, my brother!

I see life's good to you. Wife feeds you well.

Can't complain.

Look at my favourite nephew!

Growing like a weed.

Say, have you grown hair on your balls?

Have you, huh?

Yes. A whole forest.

And what's this? Chocolate?

Moustache, Uncle, moustache.

Good for you! That's my boy, well done.

Do mum and dad listen to you?

Dad, yes. Mum, not so much.

Save the best for last.

The Sister-in-law. Like Sophia Loren!

-Come here! -Uncle...

We are so happy to have you with us again.

I see you're getting perkier with each passing year.

Hurry up, Sister-in-law, what's taking you so long?

Mum, mum, mum!

Coming, I'm ready!

Mum, mum, mum!

Strut that leg.

A bit more.

Just a bit more.

Stop stuffing yourself with those, you'll spoil your appetite!

Leave the boy be, Sister-in-law, it's not Christmas every day!

Do you like the present Santa has brought you?

Yes. You are the best Uncle ever.

From here to Universe and back again.

It's exactly the model I saw in the brochure.

Everyone in class will envy me.

And when they ask me if they can take a look, I'll say no.

Watch with your eyes, not with your hands!

Have you thanked your Uncle? What do we say when we get a present?

Danke Deutschland.

Nichts zu danken, mein Schatz.

Don't smoke them all in one day.

Lift them up so I can film them.

-They are pretty strong. -As they should be.

This is a perfume.

Sister-in-law...

You smell like a Croatian rose....

Thank you very much for this lovely surprise.

I only ever saw this one in a magazine.

I'll save it for special occasions, such as this one.

It was the most expensive one in the duty-free shop.

-Sis couldn't come with you? -She couldn't make it this year.

But, hopefully, she'll come next year... Maybe.

And she sends her regards.

-Here she is. -Well done, Sister-in-law, bravo!

It was worth it to drive 600 kilometers for this.

From Münich to here, I couldn't stop thinking about her turkey.

Hail Mary, full of grace...

The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

No treats like this in Germany...

And Germany has everything.

Here's a drumstick...

for my favourite nephew!

Thank you, Uncle!

You won't be able to eat it all. Don't be greedy.

But Obelix always eats the whole drumstick.

Don't eat with your hands!

Let him be, Sister-in-law. In Germany, we also eat drumsticks with our hands.

Close your mouth when you chew. You're not a cow.

Go ahead, do something. What?

Wave to Sis. Ciao Sis! Hi, Sis!

Ciao Sis! Hi, Sis!

Oh fairy, fairy of Velebit!

The pride of our kin!

Live long, oh dearest, live long,

oh dearest, fairy of all Croats!

Well done, Son.

Let our old Croatian song be heard in this dungeon of people.

Uncle, why is that song forbidden?

Shut up. Because of fear.

We may not have Croatia, but at least we can sing.

But Uncle, you live in Germany.

People think Mussolini should be made with homemade raspberry syrup.

But they're wrong.

The trick is to get the ratio of syrup to wine just right.

Right, right...

This is called vi-de-o.

Video.

37. CHRISTMAS - LIGHTS

It plays everything you recorded on tape.

Strut that leg.

Look at how fat I am!

You're not fat, Sister-in-law. The camera adds weight.

You have a perfect figure.

We all have a nice figure.

Look, there's me!

My voice sounds so weird...

When am I gonna come on?

Stop!

You're wearing the same sweater.

How can you let the kid walk around dressed like a hick?

It's his favourite sweater. He never takes it off.

People will think you're poor.

Why didn't you tell me to get him something from Germany?

Why?

Why?

What's with all this smoke?

-What're you doing? It's over. -Leave it! It's not over.

Just give me the sugar, it'll be fine.

See? They're great.

The hell they are. It's over for today.

It's not over! Cut it out! Now get back there.

-Do what you want. But... -Out of my way.

Have one. For me.

Angels would eat them if they had teeth.

Everybody, take a cookie! Come on!

On Christmas Eve,

I will come to you, like always.

So you wouldn't be by yourself,

And so we'd decorate the Christmas tree...

I'll be a child in your arms,

my darling pumpkin...

Two nights are too little,

two days are too short,

those two grapes are the last ones,

but they are so sweet.

-Good night. -Night.

-And leave the door open. -Why?

What do they care what we big boys are doing in here?

-Are you sure? -Leave it open.

Good night, boys.

Good night.

Aren't you too old for a lullaby?

I'm not. We only sing it for Christmas now.

We used to do it every night.

That's what mum and I agreed, to sing it once a year.

What would you do if I broke your arm in several places?

I wouldn't go to those places anymore.

We boys are having so much fun, aren't we?

He's gone.

Well, then...

Let's put it all back to the beginning.

Are you coming? Hello?

Leave your mum be. We'll do it without her tonight.

Put this one on. It's okay.

Nothing can beat good old Italian clothes.

You can see it's high quality from miles away.

Unlike the rags they make in Yugoslavia.

Sorry.

Good mood is the only thing you're here for, anyway.

This needs to be washed.

Are you finished?

You need to dice the potatoes and carrots for French salad!

For fuck's sake, can't I take a crap here in peace?

Where's the fire?

-Hurry up. -Fine!

And wash your hands!

You should smoke more so your stomach gets used to it.

What do you think I'm doing?

What are you doing?

I couldn't wait for you any longer.

Are you deaf or just playing dumb? I told you I'd do it.

If you wanted to help me, you would have.

Go help your father chop the wood.

I won't chop the fucking wood! I came here to dice vegetables.

So, what is it you want from me?

You're doing it again, chopping it to make me look useless!

-Someone has to do it. -Stop pretending you're above all this.

You're annoying. I've no idea what you're on about.

I'm just asking why you called me if you're doing it all yourself.

If you really needed me, you would've waited.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

You heard me. I'm useless, we're all useless, except you.

But yesterday you fucked it all up. First the plate, then the turkey.

Then the cookies. And you asked about Sis, you know he hates that!

There, see, you can't do it all by yourself.

Let me.

Get away from me.

Fucking salad. You almost cut off your finger for nothing. Shut up.

Why should I shut up? What good will it do?

If I'm useless, why am I here in the first place?

-What are we all doing here? -At least pretend you care.

You think I enjoy being here?

Does anyone ever ask what it's like for me?

Please, go away, stop making things harder for me.

You're the biggest stop making things harder for me.

Cut the crap.

I think you're enjoying all this.

It makes you think you're the best mother in the world.

You don't give a fuck about me.

It's all about her again.

By now she could be long dead.

What did you do to your mum?

Whenever I leave you two alone, you do some dumb shit.

He's here already! Quick, go get the kid.

Already? Where is he anyway?

Wherever he is, he'd better hurry up!

Hey, Son! He's early! Come on down!

Come on, get out of the bathroom.

Get out, he's here!

He's not in the bathroom!

Don't be ridiculous. He's sulking in his room. Go get him.

Get down here, you hear? He's here!

He's not there! He's not there...

-Not where? -He's not in the bathroom, nor his room!

I can't believe he's done this to us...

Here's what we'll do. I'll go out there and.

I'll tell him to forget it today.

The kid has a fever or something. When I get my hands on him.

Where's my favourite nephew?

I'm here, Uncle!

Have you grown hair on your balls?

Have you?

Yes. A whole forest.

Thank you, Uncle.

Don't be greedy. You won't be able to eat it all.

But Obelix always eats the whole drumstick.

Close your mouth when the whole drumstick.

And here is a drumstick the whole drumstick.

Thank you, Uncle.

Don't be greedy. You won't be able to eat it all.

But Obelix always eats the whole drumstick.

Are you for real?

-I've had enough of you! -Both of you stop.

This is all your fault. This is your upbringing.

We should've smacked him more, not wipe his ass until puberty!

-My upbringing? -Yes.

Easy to say now.

Why didn't you smack him then? Now you preach!

No wonder he fears no one when you keep undermining my authority!

What authority?

Enough.

Where are your manners?

You'll be punished for your behaviour.

Go to bed.

That's no way to treat the people who feed you.

Because one day they will no longer be around.

And then you'll be sorry.

But it will be too late.

Let's go.

-Where are we going? -To the bedroom.

What about the lights? The Christmas tree?

Uncle and Mum go to the bedroom when you're sent to bed early.

-Brother, please... -And Father goes out to smoke.

Uncle, what do Mum and Uncle do in the bedroom?

Mum screams.

-Screams? -She screams.

Brother, couldn't Mum scream here instead?

Father is outside, smoking, while Mum is in the bedroom, screaming.

Well, then, let's go scream in the bedroom.

Go ahead.

Louder.

More.

Good.

-Nothing happened. -I know, I was at the door.

-If he had tried anything... -You still let me go with him.

-You acted like it was under control. -You still let me.

You just said nothing happened.

You let it happen.

Just a bit more.

You're doing this on purpose.

You have to learn to hold your tongue.

You weren't that good today, either.

Where is she?

Waiting for you to stich me up so she can have a go at me again?

Let her be. She's sleeping.

You stirred up some serious shit.

Will you beat me up?

Don't start it. And leave your mother alone.

Get some rest. I'll tidy up.

I didn't even go that far.

You came back and that's the end of that.

Go to sleep.

Why did you do that at the table?

Well...

Better French salad on your face than ladle to your forehead.

Fair enough.

People think it's important to put homemade syrup in a Mussolini.

But the trick is to get the ratio of syrup to wine just right.

Raspberry syrup... Rasp-berry.

Thank you, Uncle.

It's easy to have a good turkey when.

It's easy to have nice crispy skin when the turkey is homegrown.

As fresh as possible, butchered this morning.

That's why it's so easy to carve.

Butchered this morning. That's why it's so easy to carve.

This is my uncle's rifle.

We kept it for him while he was away in Germany.

Mum and Dad hid it.

But I knew where it was.

In a closet, wrapped in a blanket.

But I never said a word about it to my mother or father.

My uncle used it for hunting pheasants.

Sometimes deer.

But a deer is much easier to shoot.

Sister-in-law, pass me the bowl with our French salad.

The Croatian one.

Here, brother.

Sis couldn't be here?

Sis just couldn't make it this year.

What're you doing?

But she sends her regards.

And some photos.

She's so skinny...

And her hair has grown.

Maybe she'll make it next year.

But she sends her regards to you all.

Give her our best regards.

Tell her we love her a lot.

When you return to Germany.

May I keep it?

Next year.

She sends her regards to you all.

That's it with the photos.

The Christmas tree won't get decorated by itself, right?

Can I take the camera now?

Maybe we could watch something else?

We can't watch anything else.

And you know why.

Because that's not how it was!

I can see your hearts are no longer in this.

That you are tired.

I think...

it would be best if we parted in peace, while we're still on good terms.

But it's not our fault that the tape broke.

It's not.

It's nobody's fault. Nobody's.

Please tell us what we're doing wrong.

You're ungrateful.

People always say they wish every day was Christmas.

And you have Christmas every day.

Mujo, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, because the egg comes from behind.

Uncle always tells the best jokes.

The best.

And that gun...

I waited for it for a year.

And then he finally showed up.

And then...

You go to bed...

But you are too excited to sleep.

You squeeze your eyes shut.

The sooner you fall asleep, the sooner you'll wake up.

And then, suddenly, I hear...

my uncle playing...

with the gun.

Without me.

How can you say I'm not trying?

Haven't we agreed to all this?

It's been going on for so long, and you're never satisfied.

Tell me what to do to make things better.

What else should I do differently?

Here.

Call the police, report me.

Go. You're free. Nobody's keeping you.

And Sis?

Then she'll never return from Germany.

On Christmas Eve, I will come to you, like always...

Uncle, come dance with me.

It's getting late for dancing, the Uncle is tired, he was driving all day.

Why would he be tired, we could hardly wait to see him, right Uncle?

This is my...

favourite song.

What kind of Christmas would it be without this song?

What kind?

It would be no Christmas at all.

The years pass,

and children are men already.

Because time judges on everyone,

my darling pumpkin.

The years pass...

That's right...

Leave it... Forget it.

And this...? Care to explain?

I've seen him making faces when he finds a feather.

Well done!

Don't forget to shave.

Occupied, close the door!

What are you doing?

Taking my medicine.

You're lying.

Not a word. Please.

How long have you been doing this?

She used to take them after she gave birth.

You saw what happened yesterday, when she didn't take them.

You're right.

You're not spiking my drinks too, are you?

Don't be cheeky!

Surprise!

We got you good!

Don't you recognise her?

Hi... Sis.

Sis!

We almost didn't recognise you.

Would Sis like to sit down? I'll get a chair.

Relax, Sister. Sit down and enjoy. We're a family, we'll manage.

Come on, eat some turkey...

Don't be so shy!

She always talks about your turkey, but now that she's here,

she's lost her appetite. It's wantonness, Sister-in-law.

Wantonness.

Come on, then.

No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

You haven't had anything since the restaurant in Austria.

Brother...

Uncle, would you like a spritzer?

First-class service, huh? Like in a Hilton hotel.

Do you want to make me drunk, Sister-in-law?

We all know a good spritzer is equal parts wine and mineral water.

Brother... She doesn't have to eat if she's not hungry.

We're family, we won't mind.

I have to go pee.

I have to go pee.

Swallow your food, then speak.

I have to take a piss.

How dare you talk like that at the table?

-I really have to. -No, you don't.

You can hold it in.

Why don't you show them

what we've practiced?

But I really need to go.

Can you believe how shy she is?

Come on, Sis, show them what we've practiced.

Go on.

Honey, don't be afraid...

Oh fairy, fairy of Velebit,

The pride of our kin!

Your glory is holy to us,

Croats exult to you!

Fairy of Velebit,

our kin's pride,

Live long, dearest,

live long, dearest,

live long, oh dearest!

Fairy of all Croats!

There.

Wasn't so hard, was it?

We're having such a great time, aren't we?

-Mum? -What mum, there's no mum.

Have a drink, recover your energy.

No, no! I see, I see...

I see you've had enough. That you're bored.

-Sis is tired. -No, I'm not.

She's really sleepy, she is.

Ciao, Sis, bye, Sis!

Please let her stay a bit longer, please!

Please don't, please!

Let Sis stay!

It's late! Stop, you two.

It's time to go to bed.

Look what you're doing to me.

I gave you everything.

And you ruin every Christmas for me.

You don't really love your Uncle.

No, you don't.

The trunk. Get in the trunk!

Hurry up. Hurry, open the trunk.

Mum, I'll be back!

Next Christmas. Maybe.

Leave my child alone!

Who's got your child? He's right next to you.

Don't touch my child!

You must be confused.

Come, now. Help me.

Let's see, are you alright?

Hey, hey, what's gotten into you?

-Let go of me! -No, calm down!

-Let go! -Calm down!

Calm down...

What's come over you?

I've poisoned your sister. That's what.

What are we going to do now?

Let's go fix Mum's nose.

What did you see? How much did she drink?

I'm not sure. Did you see it?

I wasn't really looking.

What did you see, how much did she drink?

I don't know. A sip or two.

-Is that the exact amount? -I don't know exactly.

Uncle's arm was in my view, but I did see her drink.

Or maybe not. I don't know anymore.

Maybe she didn't swallow it. No, I'm sure she didn't.

What could happen to her if she did?

From such a small quantity. I really don't know.

But he never lets that kid drink wine.

Aren't you going to thank me?

-For once, you've been of some use. -You're not being fair.

If you'd whacked him with that axe right away,

maybe this wouldn't have happened.

You shut up. What if I missed?

At least you would've tried.

Then why did you drop that knife?

I'd like to see you try to kill a man!

-I would've if you'd let me. -My ass, you armchair hero.

You're both such heroes.

Look who's talking! Mother of the year!

We almost all ended up poisoned, like in Hamlet.

It runs in the family. Tell her what you're lacing her coffee with!

What did you say?

The hero's right here, ask him.

-What are you doing? -He makes it sound worse than it is.

Calm down. I'm not doing anything wrong.

-Hold on. Spiking my coffee? -I'm calming you down.

You're not taking all this too well. Blabbermouth, haven't we had enough?

You taught me to always tell the truth.

Give me those pills.

If you hadn't found out, you wouldn't mind.

-Give them here. -What for?

-Give them to me! -Not until you tell me what for!

Two grapes

are left on the table.

The sun is coming down,

the air smells of resin.

Two nights are too little,

two days are too short.

The two grapes

are the last ones, but they're so sweet.

Stop moving around! Can't you see I'm fixing the antenna?

Turn it off, it's dinner time.

Go get dad.

Hallelujah.

Dinner time. Get your father.

Dad!

I could've done that myself.

Would you kindly explain what your problem is?

I'm telling you for the last time, it's dinner time.

What's the matter now?

Nothing! How do you want your eggs?

Did you piss off your mum again?

She's perpetually pissed off.

Watch your tongue!

If you want scrambled eggs, tell me now.

Scrambled eggs? What the hell is up with you two?

I'm sick of the turkey and I want eggs.

You walked in with muddy shoes again. Uncle will be mad when he sees.

Calm down. We'll get it in the morning.

Calm down? Get the ornaments off the tree, and vacuum the mud.

Or I'll have to do it tomorrow.

He's not coming.

He's not coming?

Okay.

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

-How about we talk? -There's nothing more to say.

Stop it! Stop acting like a fucking lunatic every time!

I am calm.

-Will you listen to me? -I'm listening.

I just said he hasn't been here in days.

I wanted us to take a break and see what we'll do next.

She's dead.

She's dead. You said it yourself, he hasn't been here in days.

How stupid can you be? What was the agreement?

If there's no Christmas, Sis will never return from Germany!

How, if I killed her? Do I need to draw you a fucking picture?

-Read my lips! She's dead, dead, dead! -For fuck's sake!

What, what? You bitch!

Fuck, fuck you!

I'm sorry! Calm down!

I'm sorry, sorry...

Tomorrow morning we'll pack our things and go home.

Brother, fall into my arms!

Brother, we didn't expect you this late.

This will be the best Christmas ever!

Have you grown hair on your balls?

Get up, soldier!

Uncle? Are you sure you want to eat it? It's cold.

Don't be silly, Mum. Your turkey is always finger-licking delicious!

Relax, Mum, what are you afraid of?

Look at that turkey! It belongs in a museum.

And the skin is crispy.

Because, if it's not...

Uncle throws it out the window.

Here's a drumstick for you, Son.

-Not even Obelix would eat this. -Shame on you!

Now, everybody.

French salad tastes like nectar of the gods.

The proper kind, with potatoes.

If it had apples instead, Mum would get slapped and she'd eat in the kitchen.

Brother, your wife is a born cook. You've chosen well.

-And Sis? -There is no Sis.

And now, a surprise! And cookies.

It's called a video. Vi-de-o.

It plays the tapes you record.

And you can watch it first thing when you wake up.

If you wake up.

Where did you get this?

Who watches this?

I do.

This trash doesn't belong here.

That tape is not ours. You left it here.

Why would I leave anything in your house?

If you watch such obscenities,

at least make an effort to hide them.

It's not your fault, son.

Your parents should have hidden it. It's their fault.

You can tell your uncle, did you jerk off watching that?

Did you?

Admit it.

You jerked off, didn't you?

Do you think it's normal

for a kid to jerk off to this?

Answer me.

Son, listen.

Porn is nothing like real life. It's all fake.

Uncle... Is that your favourite song playing on the radio?

No, it's not!

Come, now you'll show the kid how it is really done.

Uncle, please... Let's go to bed. It's late.

I know it's late, yes. You ruined this Christmas, too.

You want it to be the last? We really don't have to now...

Quiet, this is for your own good, hush.

Take your positions.

Positions!

Wrong.

Wrong! Brother.

Come on, brother! Show some initiative.

Sister-in-law, give him a hand.

We don't have all night.

Faster.

Do it faster.

Faster.

I said faster!

You think I'm having fun here?

The sooner you start, the sooner it will be over.

Do it. Come on, faster!

Faster!

Faster!

Don't look at us!

Son, what do you think about the cookies this year?

Have some respect for the food!

Mum worked hard to make the best cookies!

Don't... Don't look at us!

Where is my child?!

Sis, is she alive?!

Wait...

He's breathing!

Sis? Is she alive?

Say something, you piece of shit!

Just one decent Christmas...

Just one. One real Christmas.

If we make it a real Christmas, Sis comes back next year.

No, no, the deal was...

if Christmas isn't perfect, Sis never comes back from Germany.

You can do whatever you want with the gun, mister hero.

Kill him.

-What? -Kill him.

Are you insane?

Don't you dare!

It's over. If you won't do it, I will.

What if she's alive?

Is she alive?

I've said my part.

I have to repeat myself like a broken record.

I'm sticking to my part of the deal.

And I plan to do so until the end.

I won't kill him if she's alive.

Hey, he said he's going to stick to the agreement!

So it will be.

If Christmas is perfect, Sis returns from Germany.

Which of those eight words do you not understand?

He's full of shit.

It's all up to you. It always has been.

-Bang, bang, bang, you're dead! -You're a little Tarzan, eh?

I'm not Tarzan! He doesn't have a gun,

and he hangs around with monkeys. I'm Commander Mark!

And me, Uncle? Won't you take a photo of me?

A fashion show!

So, brother, are they any good?

The real deal! We don't have cigarettes like this here.

They're strong, but it's real tobacco.

Cut, not ground like the crappy stuff here.

It's bright like Hollywood!

Let me dim the light for a better mood.

Let's do one for Sis...

-For Sis? -Yes.

-For our Sis. -Oh, her!

Of course, for our Sis!

So she can see how much fun we're having.

Alright... Cheese!

Do I hear my favourite song?

Yes you do, our dearest Uncle, you do!

The years pass like minutes.

The photos are fading,

my darling pumpkin.

Years go by,

and children are men already,

Because time judges on everyone,

my darling pumpkin.

Where is he going now? The cookies are getting cold!

He'll complain they're not soft again.

It was a brilliant idea to turn off the light!

Right?

What about my Commander Mark, no comments?

It fit perfectly, I didn't even notice.

Wait till you see the cookies!

Even angels would eat them if they had teeth!

Two grapes are left on the table,

the sun is going down, the air smells of resin.

Two nights are too little, two days are too short,

the two grapes are the last, but they are so sweet.

Two nights are too little, two days are too short,

the two grapes are the last, but they are so sweet.

Kiss me, oh you, kiss me,

leave our bodies' mark on the sand.

Kiss me, oh you, kiss me,

oh, I have you so dear.

Kiss me, oh you, kiss me,

the night is short and we're aflame.

Kiss me, oh you, kiss me,

while the golden grapes ripen.

Revised and Synchronized by FAST TITLES MEDIA