All language subtitles for Spread.2024.WEBRip-YTS-English

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

♪ You and me, we're not the same ♪

♪ I am a sinner, you are a saint ♪

♪ When we get to the pearly gates ♪

♪ You'll get the green light

♪ I'll get the...

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

♪ Doo, doo, doo

♪ I'm a loser in this game

♪ I'll find love in the strangest place ♪

♪ Tied up and branded, lost in a daze ♪

♪ I say I'm gonna stage a great escape ♪

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

♪ Doo, doo, doo

♪ I'm a loser in this game

Okay, you know what to do.

Just smile, nod, and keep your mouth shut.

That's it. Just keep your mouth shut.

Don't say anything, you know,

unless you have a really good idea.

And then, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Fuck you. Don't talk.

Keep your mouth shut.
Nod, smile, and be chill.

Be chill and blend in. Okay?

You've got this. This is your day.

You good?

So good.

Want to grab a coffee on our way to work?

Fuck yeah.

(SIGHS) Fuck yeah.

No, listen, Whitney, they want me

to sit in on the meeting.

Honestly, I think they're gonna promote me.

Already?

But you've only been there a week.

It's such a great company
and everybody there loves me.

Aren't you an intern?

Yes, but I'm a paid intern, okay?

Not a regular intern. It's very different.

That's great, but I'm just

worried you're getting
ahead of yourself again.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This time feels different, okay?

And I'll have rent money for you by Friday.

Or you know, if not, you know this Friday,

then... then next Friday.

I guess the 15th is the new first.

You're such a good friend, really.

And very soon you won't
have to cover me anymore.

Honestly, that's a huge relief.

My preschool teacher salary
is more of an allowance

as opposed to a...

Aren't you gonna be late for work?

Shit, fuck, yes!

Try not to, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Be so, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Hey, how's the hat?

Bold.

Perfect.

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

(♪♪♪)

This is going to be a
fantastic partnership.

So Uber, acquiring our assets,

is gonna allow our print
division to expand.

Hmm.

(APPLAUSE)

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry, did you have something to say?

Me?
-Yeah.

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, fuck it.

Listen, we're an independent magazine,

unobstructed by the agendas
of major corporations.

Uber is one of the biggest abusers

of human rights in the world,

and they value shareholder
profits over ethics

and journalistic integrity.

So, to partner with a company
like that, sir, would be

absolutely disgusting.

And honestly, fucking ridiculous.

Thank you for your honesty.

Sure.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Really? Again?

Wasn't my fault this time.

Orson's in there.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON LAPTOP)

Oh my God!

Oh, fuck, Ruby, what the fuck?

Me, what the fuck?

You, what the fuck?

I'm at work and you're here

sitting on my bed, on my laptop,

jerking off to some fake lesbians?

They're real lesbians.

Couldn't you have just
waited until I got home?

I mean, it's not like we don't bone

all the goddamn time.

I even have a Costco membership
just for the condoms.

You also like the samples.

No, you like the samples.

Whatever, Ruby!

Sometimes guys just need to
do their own thing, okay?

We're visual creatures.

Well, so are women.

I mean, I'm a visual creature.

You never want to watch porn.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm not super into watching
female sexuality exist

for the sole purpose of pleasing a man.

There's other types.

There's fake taxi driver, fake bus driver.

What?
-There's step sister,

there's step cousin, girl on granny.

Orson, you need to get a real job.

I have a real job.

Indie filmmaker is not a real job.

Try telling that to Steven Soderbergh.

Who?
-Traffic,

Contagion, Ocean's Twelve.

Is this because I
wouldn't do anal with you?

What? No.

Because you know I would.
I told you I would.

It's just that I have that nightmare.

Yes, I know, I know.

It was stuck in you.

It's a thing that can happen.

It's happened to people I know.

Not about the anal, Ruby.

God, you're just so close-minded.

I once did blow off
Frances McDormand's tits.

That waitress from Applebee's?

It was Frances.

Look, when it comes to sex,
you're a little uptight.

You are.

You know that when we do it,
you count until it's over?

Well, I stopped counting out loud.

Ugh, do you even hear yourself?

Sorry, Ruby, but you're just not fun.

I'm not fun?
-No.

(SIGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Ow! What the fuck?

My mony!

Please, everybody knows that it's fake.

ORSON: Yeah, and it was fucking expensive!

Have fun with your fake ponytail,

and your fake lesbians, and your butt sex.

They are real lesb-

(SIGHS)

WHITNEY: Ruby?
-RUBY: What?

Shit.

Uh, mom, dad, hi. What are you doing here?

And together.

I haven't seen you guys in the same room

since the divorce.

How about the four of us
go grab a bite to eat?

Oh no, who has cancer?

I just have a question about the lesbians.

No one's dying unless I
finally murder your father.

Still have a question.

(SIGHS)

(CUTLERY CLINKING)

Like I said, that was good.
-Yes, very.

Yeah, yeah.
-It was really good.

Okay, I can't take it anymore.

Just tell me what's going on.

Your dad and I have decided
to stop giving you money.

No, no, but I just got fired.

Again?
-You lost your job

and your boyfriend all in one day.

That's gotta be some kind of record.

Thanks, dad.
-I'm just saying,

you were a little hard on your boyfriend.

I mean, I'm not crazy about the ponytail,

but he did make some solid points.

The door was a little bit wide open.

You know, Ruby, porn's not that bad.

You gotta understand
something about guys' minds.

We like movies. Wanna see ‘em?

Dad.
-Ron.

I'm just being honest.

It's nature.

I just don't wanna see you single forever.

You've gotten very close-minded.

Close-minded?

Did you not hear me say that
I once snorted blow off...

Yes, I did hear that. -The
waitress from Applebee's.

She wasn't a waitress.

Ron, don't you need to use the restroom?

No, I did before I came.

Oh, oh, yeah, I do.
-Yeah, uh-huh.

Your father and I are
very worried about you.

I don't like to hear
about you doing cocaine.

You know, drugs will age
you faster than suntans.

I know, I know, but it was
just that one time, mom, so.

That night was so crazy, though.

It was. The one and
only time I did cocaine.

That was funny. The one and only time.

Sweetie, it's time to start
being more responsible.

You have to think about your future,

and you... you need to get a job.

And you know, keep it.

I know. I know.

But I really am trying, mom.

Good. So where are you trying next?

Well, I mean, I would love to work

for a place like The Sophisticate.

That has to be one of the biggest

publications in the world.

The problem is

I unfortunately have no marketable skills

and basically, zero resume.

Oh, that's not true.

You were junior class president
and you were published.

When I was 17.

Yeah, but that has to
account for something.

It doesn't. -She's right, it doesn't.

RON: Tampons.

25 cents in there if you want to stock up.

(DEB SIGHS)

Were you in the women's room, Ron?

No, it's a bi-bathroom.

Uh, pan, fluid.

I got a little something for you ladies.

Oh no, dad, no, no, no, no, no.

It's alright. Just a little present.

Be alright.
-Thanks, Ron.

Sure. Are you? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No.
-I forgot.

Yeah, so you could...
-(GASPS)

What? Oh, no, no.

I was thinking about something else.

That's weird.

Check, please.

(♪♪♪)

(EXHALES) -(PHONE RINGING)

Hi, I'm looking for a job.

(KEYS CLICKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi there. I'm looking for a job.

(SCRUNCHES)

Well, I've never worked in a pizzeria,

so I thought, give ‘em a call.

No, I uh... I don't.

(♪♪♪)

Hi there. I'm looking for a job.

Are you sure you're 12, because you play

like you're fucking 6?

Hi, I'm looking for a job.

I would stay away from your windows

if I were you, because
I am going to swat you.

Any job, I don't care.

No, I don't care.

I'm gonna find out where you live.

I'm gonna come to your house.

I'm gonna fuck your dad
and give him a child

he's actually proud of.

Fucking pubeless wonder.

BOY 1: (ON VOICE CHAT) Fuck you!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

In an hour?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm, absolutely.

I'll be there.

Okay.

Fuck!

(JEAN TUTTING)

Hm, hm.

There's nothing on the back.

See that.

Well, with the looks of it,

you don't take your future very seriously.

What? Why would you say that?

You have no real work
experience worth mentioning.

Well, no, for six months, I worked...

(JEAN STUTTERS)

Like I said, none worth mentioning.

Well, I've been published.

Yes, I see that.
-Okay.

Well, I have a ton of life experience.

Sounds like a very nice way
of saying that you're poor.

Yeah, I am pretty poor.

Okay.

(CLICKING KEYS)

Hm, okay.

Are you one of these open-minded girls?

Definitely.

Well, I don't know how this is possible,

but I have a job for you.

Really? That... that's amazing.

That's great. What is it?

The last temp that I sent there got shot.

Where?
-In the head.

Oh my God.

I'm sorry. What company is this for?

Doesn't really matter.

Alright, I have sent you the address.

You are already late, so you need to go.

Go? Like go now?

Yes, now. Go! Come on.

Go, up, go.

Okay, good luck.

(♪♪♪)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(WHIRS)

How's it going?

(♪♪♪)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(ELEVATOR DOOR WHIRRING)

(CLICKING BUTTONS)

You didn't tell me it was for porn.

You said you were one of
these open-minded girls.

Well, I am. Ish.

JEAN: (ON PHONE) Listen, if you are going

to be difficult about assignments,

then we cannot work together.

Besides, it is a publishing house.

You should be thanking me.

It's just one day?

Yeah, it's just one day.

Okay, I gotta run.

Very busy.

(BREATHS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)

Oh, yay.

You're back. Welcome.

You must be the new temp, I can tell.

That's me.

Any problems being around dildos?

No, I'm around them all the time.

Great.

RUBY: Oh my God.

Are these returns?

Or are they props?

They're so gross.

(♪♪♪)

Is that?

No. No.

Baby Jesus?

Um, ew, ew.

What the fuck is this?

(♪♪♪)

FERRETTI: Sizemore.

Troubles at home?

Or are you just perusing the articles?

Did you get the steaks?

Japanese.

They pound the fuck out of them for weeks.

I prefer fish.

How about a bourbon?

That shit's older than me.

You know what today is?

Wednesday?
-It's six months

from when we last had this conversation.

It's a stress boob.

For stress.

Seems to be a lot of that
going on around here.

It's ironic.

You know, because this place
normally helps relieve.

Never mind.

Yeah, I get it.

Look, Spread's been around
longer than you've been alive.

We've survived stock market crashes,

the Evangelicals, 17 bomb threats,

and Reagan.

And yet here we are, burning money.

I need a good reason to keep
this financial disaster going.

Fuck that.

Spread is a legacy.

Do you have any idea how many

pimply-faced kids were jerking off

to my magazine while I
was creating an empire?

I was one of them.
-Ah!

And that is the only reason

that we are sitting here talking.

Have you ever heard of Ättestupa?

What is this, a quiz?

It was a Viking tradition.

When a person became a
burden on their community.

Well, they would relinquish themselves.

And when they didn't do it voluntarily

Well, they were pushed off a cliff.

It was kindness really.

That way they didn't have
to suffer the indignity

of being a drain on everyone,

while everything they ever worked for

was stripped away from them.

Give me until the luau.

(SIGHS)

Is that the shitty costume
party I have to pay for?

Seems like you could use a lay.

Fuck.

Okay, until the luau.

And you know what?

If your numbers are up by then,
and I mean way, way the fuck up,

then maybe you'll get to
have another one next year.

And if not?

I'm not jumping off the cliff.

I know.

Sometimes people need a little push.

(♪♪♪)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)

RUBY: Come on.

(GRUNTS)

You... you know there's
a green room for talent.

Talent?
-For the actress.

You think I'm a porn star?
-No, no, no.

Definitely not a star.
-Well, why?

Because you don't recognize me?

Well, that and because you
don't have the body for it.

Wow. Okay. Thank you.

It wasn't a compliment.
-Yeah, I know.

I'm Ruby, I'm the temp.

Oh, uh, tough times, huh?

No. You're so wrong.

In fact, things have
never been better for me.

Yeah, I'm actually starting a
really big job tomorrow, so...

Oh, really? Where?

Well, it's that little place

that you may or may not have heard of

called “the Sophisticate”.

Never heard of it.

Okay, well, you're literally the only one.

-What do you do here?
-I'm the art director.

Oh, that's amazing.

Art.
-Cute.

Hope your big Sophisticate
job over there feeds you,

because this isn't a good look.

You're not from around here.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm Ruby. I'm just the temp for today.

Who are you?

Hank.

And what do you do here, Hank?

I'm the editor of the Pussy Quest page.

Real women send me photos
of their vaginas every week

and I pick a winner.

Winner gets cash and
their pussy on the site.

Neat.

(GASPS) -Oh, you scared me.

Hi.

I'm Ruby.

I'm the temp, and um... and I'm a diabetic,

which is why I took so many snacks.

It's not just because I'm
poor and have no money.

You look like an angel.

Oh, well, I assure you I'm not.

What's your name?

Oh, Nelson.

Your hair is so slippery-looking.

Like greasy?

Like a baby doll.

Oh, well, thank you.

You're very welcome.

(♪♪♪)

Oh my God.

Who are you?

Prudence!

Why is there a girl here?

I'm Ruby, I'm the temp.

You're a temp, okay.

Won't bother memorizing your name then.

Really? It's just two syllables.

Ruby.

You'll be reporting to me.

I'm basically your supervisor,
so take my coffee black.

Oh, unfortunately, I was
told to do a dildo inventory.

I'm basically the unofficial
official features editor here.

Do you have a name or is it
just unofficial official?

You talk too much.

Okay, my name is Leslie,

but you can refer to me as Mr. McDumack.

Oh, Leslie.

Leslie, like the girl's name, Leslie?

(CHUCKLES) You are just
so ignorant, aren't you?

Am I?
-Yeah.

Before you embarrass yourself any further,

you should know that Leslie is
actually a Scottish surname.

Wow.
-And up until the 1940s,

it was most commonly a man's name.

Oh, wow. Such a great story.

So it's an old man's name then?

I don't like you.
-Well, lucky for you,

you won't have to see me after today.

Good. This feature goes live tomorrow.

Check all the grammar.

If there's any errors, it's on you.

Hey, hey, hey. Unofficial, official.

Mr. McDumack.

Okay, cool. Whatever.

Is Spread just a porno site and magazine?

Excuse me? No, Spread is

the longest-running
pornography website magazine.

Do people even read magazines anymore?

Do you guys have an app?

I feel like everybody
watches porn on their phone.

I mean, I would watch porn on
my phone if I watched porn.

Yeah, ‘cause that's what people want,

a porno app on their phone
when they're showing pictures

of their family vacation
to their coworkers.

RUBY: Well, obviously it
shouldn't look like a porno app.

It should look like a... a
navigation app or something

and be password-protected.

Are you guys on social media?

How's your TikTok?

Instagram?

Twitter?

Yikes.

I just feel like an app

and some good social media presence

could really turn this place around.

Listen, temp, okay, whatever your name is.

Ruby.

You're being pretty
disrespectful to me right now.

And If Mr. Ferretti heard
you, wouldn't go over so well.

Mr. Ferretti did hear you.

I'm really sorry you had to hear that, sir.

I was actually just going to fire her, so.

Dry cleaning, post office, and a car wash.

And no game stop field trips.

I know what the odometer reads.

Sir. It's... it's pizza taco day.

Sir, I'm so sorry if I offended you.

I really have no idea
what I'm talking about.

It's true, sir. She doesn't know anything.

You sound like you do.

So go ahead and do it.

Do what?
-Make Spread an app.

What?
-Oh, no, no, sir.

I'm... I'm just here for the one day

and I don't really have a
tech background to do that.

Well, then you're just

gonna have to work here
for more than a day.

Nelson will help with the tech.

Put together a pitch, you have a week.

Uh, uh, uh, sir,

I just really think if anybody should

be making the app, it should be me.

You know, not some girl temp.

Then who will do my errands?

(KEYS JINGLES)

Chop-chop.

(♪♪♪)

♪ Hey, hey, shorty, you
gotta pay attention ♪

♪ And even try when you do

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

Yeah, I get it.

But no, no way.

I can't work there, I'm a feminist.

What does being a feminist
have to do with it?

Well, I don't know, because, you know...

Thank you. Spread is disgusting.

Uh-huh.
-It's a bunch of women

being dominated and degraded by men.

It's horrible. -I look
at Spread sometimes.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah.

I mean, it's not the best porn,
but what kind of psychopath

spends time looking for the best porn?

Wow, okay.

You need experience on your resume.

I do, but I'm not sure how many doors

chief dildo organizer will open.

Start with the app.

I don't know how to make an app.

Just research and delegate

like when you were class president.

No, no, I don't want to research porn

and I definitely don't want to

encourage other people to watch it.

You know, everyone with a
phone has access to porn.

You can't stop people from watching it,

but you can make the porn
that you want to watch.

Change the porn industry
from the inside out.

Now that's feminist.

This is coming from the preschool teacher.

I also can't afford to cover your rent.

Oh, okay. Fair enough.

(CHEERS)

(♪♪♪)

♪ Tell me your fears

♪ Okay, it's everyone here

(BLOWS)

♪ And all of their pets

♪ And the chandeliers and the cigarettes ♪

♪ I am smoking here

(SIGHS)

♪ I can understand the sound

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I can understand the taste

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I can understand the smell of it all ♪

(CLICKING MOUSE)

Why?

Aren't you supposed to be

at your big fancy Sophisticate job?

Yeah. Well, they said I
can start whenever I want.

Right.
-Right, right.

(LEXI HUMMING)

Hi. Oh my God, a girl!

How cute!

You're a little hottie.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I heard that nerds like
to be called “hotties”,

because it helps them feel more revelant.

Hi. -Relevant I think is the word.

Anyways, I just came to
show off my new tattoo.

It's an arrow pointing down
to my cute little pussy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, please.

Are you sure? -I don't need to see it,

keep your clothes on. Yeah.

Thank you, thank you for offering.

Very sweet, very kind of you.

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

This whole place, it can take a minute.

Yeah. -You're gonna love it here.

Oh, yeah, sure.

(BOTH LAUGHS)

It's funny.

There you are.

Do you think maybe we
could put a bell on you?

I was the Los Alamos Hide
and Seek World Champion

three years running.

That's a thing?

I could find you anywhere.

Well, right now I'm
just sitting at my desk.

So, no real skill required.

So, um, what do you do here anyway?

I.T.

But I can code.

Oh, okay.

Well, it sounds like

you and I will be working together then.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

Why are you crying?

Just so happy.

Oh.

(CRIES)

(FILING NAILS)

Am I interrupting something?

Well, yeah.

The Analingus Part Three
isn't gonna sell itself.

Oh, isn't it, though?

(SCOFFS) What do you want?

I'm just curious what an art director

for a porno site does.

You really want to know?

No, I just came here for the manicures.

I'm responsible for the
visual style and images.

I help with the artwork, and layout,

and I create the overall design.

Hm. But what does that mean
in the context of Spread?

Well, come here, take a look.

I don't want to. Okay.

Oh, wow.

You ready for this?

Sure.

Alright, here we go.
-(PRESS KEY)

This is what I've been working on.

Step-Daughter Orgy.

How festive.
-Isn't it, though?

The color scheme, composition,
layout, et cetera.

I'm in charge of all that.

That's a pretty big job.

Yeah, I'm hot shit.

(CHUCKLES) In the
incestuous orgy world maybe.

So how did you end up here anyway?

Well, look, this place clearly isn't great,

but it's also not forever.

Readership is plummeting.

And while the ship is sinking,

I'm enjoying complete creative control.

No one lording over my
layout designs or asking me

to use shitty Comic
Sans or Times New Roman.

I'm sorry, was that a font joke?

No, I never joke about fonts.

(LAUGHS)

Enough show and tell.

You better get back to
your digital strategy,

because I hear Forever 21
is having a hiring freeze.

Ooh, okay.

Well, I will let you get
back to your beauty routine.

Although, I would recommend
backing off the tweezing.

They're getting a bit thin.

Uh, bye now.

Bye.

She don't know what she talking about.

FERRETTI: I have a theme
for the next issue.

Foot fetishes.

We haven't had a good old fashioned

foot fetish feature since August of 2009.

Personally, feet scare
the bejesus out of me.

But a lot of men like
them, so what the hell?

Who wants to pitch me an
idea about foot fetishes?

No idea is a bad idea.

Chicks getting naughty pedicures.

(CLEARS THROAT) What?

Uh, chicks getting naughty pedicures.

That's a terrible fucking stupid idea.

Obviously, they'd have the drugs out.
(CHUCKLES)

We can do a cross promotion with Vajankles.

Get some mad dollars from them.

Vajankles, that's perfect.

Thomas, set up a photo shoot.

A Vajankle is a rubber foot,

but where the ankle should
be, there's a vagina.

It's surprisingly lifelike.

Hank, what are readers telling us?

I'm getting a lot of questions
about our new terminology.

They can't keep up.

Bone-zone, landsharks, handcestors.

Handcestors are all the
ancestors never born

due to male masturbation.

Analingus.

Analingus -I know that one.

Kentucky tractor puller.

(SIGHS)

Okay, what is it? -The
act of running around

a room while engaged in anal sex.

The unicorn.

Ejaculating into long hair and then...

That's just stupid.
-Skittles harvest.

A man consumes enough Skittles...

Okay, enough!

Well, there's something for everyone.

Leslie, how about you head up
our new terminology department?

Like a constantly-evolving sex dictionary.

Uh, can I get another assignment?

Because that kind of
sounds like secretary work.

No, no.
-I actually have this...

This badass feature idea about wind surfing

that I fucking love. -No. Sex dictionary.

You'll be our little Merriam Webster.

Merriam?

That's... that's totally a chick's name.

Well, you do have a girl's name, so.

Eat dick, bro-hard.

It's unbelievable.

Out of a 100,000 sperm,
you were the fastest one.

(LAUGHS)

You too fucking already or what?

(TOGETHER) No.

Uh, new girl.
-Hmm.

How is your pitch coming
for the whole app-a-majig?

It's pretty good.

I mean, right now we're just trying to

nail down the user interface.

Well, sounds like the future.

Actually, I'm just trying to
catch us up to the present.

Right.

Anyway, we have half an hour to brainstorm

all the ways we can highlight Vajankles.

Then lunchtime.

NELSON: It's soup taco day.

Get a napkin.

(TYPING)

(♪♪♪)

I love the way you text.

Personal space, Nelson.

We should work on the app.
-Okay.

Yo, girl temp and uh, nerd,
find it really hard to believe

you know what you're doing.
Did you even go to college?

I graduated with honors from UC Berkeley.

Great.

So what are you, like some
sort of hippie feminist?

(CHUCKLES)

You know what happened to the
last girl that worked there?

You mean the girl that got shot?

She got shot? Where?

In the head.
-In the head.

Well, she probably fucking deserved it.

Nelson, you're with me.
I'm starving, let's go.

Nelson!
-Okay.

(SIGHS)

(♪♪♪)

RUBY: Hank?

No one's here.

Well, I was just hoping

I could talk to you for a second.

Okay, shoot.

I'm trying to tie in
social media with the app,

and I was wondering if
you ever use social media

for Pussy Quest.

What do you think?

Probably not.

But if it's okay with you,
I was thinking I could set up

Pussy Quest accounts on
all the major socials,

and it could really drive some
serious traffic to your page.

If that's something you'd be interested in.

Okay, sure. Go ahead.

Cool, great.

Well, then I'll draft up some mock accounts

and I'll run them by you.

Hey, do you need help reading that?

Nope.
-What is that?

Is that fan mail?

Nah, some of it.

Most of it's just incoherent ramblings

of crazy men.

Letters to the editor.
-Hm.

I try to respond to the
ones that make sense,

publish a few, and just toss the rest away.

What do they say?

Depends.

Most of these guys are in prison

or stationed on some military base.

They're typically writing
back to a specific woman.

Or they're nuts.

The rest are just too
backwards to understand

how to make the internet work.

Overall,

just a bunch of ignorant lonely dudes.

Well, it sounds kind of sad.

Does this sound sad to you?

“Dear Shannon, I want to slap my dick

on your forehead while
you finger yourself.”

No, that sounds straightforward.

Moral of the story here is,

there are not a bunch of
thinkers in our fan base.

So you might want to keep that in mind

when you're building
this little app thingy.

Don't make it too complicated.

That's good advice. Thank you, Hank.

Yeah, hey,

don't let those shit-for-brains
out there rattle you.

Stay strong.

(CHUCKLES)

PRUDENCE: Xtasy's here!

Xtasy, it's so wonderful to see you.

XTASY: Oh.

(SMOOCHES)

Does Postmates deliver ecstasy now?

Not this Xtasy.
-What does that mean?

You're gonna learn today.

Oh, it's the blonde lady.

Got it.

I do hope you have the
bubbly waiting for me.

Of course.

Oh, is this another one
of your little rescues?

Right, we have a new girl.

Huh, did you make a wrong turn?

Accounting is on the first floor.

(FERRETTI CHCUKLES)

Ruby, I'd like you to meet Xtasy.

She's a very famous agent.

Oh, well, you must be
so proud of your girls.

What was that?

You must be so proud of...

Ruby, come with us to set

for a behind-the-scenes experience.

I would, but I just
have so much work to do.

Chop-chop.
-Okay, yeah.

♪ A-yai, yai, yai

♪ Let the money show up looking like that ♪

♪ A-yai, yai, yai

♪ Every time I look at you,
you make me wanna clap ♪

XTASY: Okay.

Great. Let's get started.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

And as you know, this is part three

of our esteemed series, Analingus.

So really go for it, girls.

(CLICKS PICTURES)

♪ Every time I look at you,
you make me wanna clap ♪

♪ A-yai, yai, yai

♪ You make me wanna clap, a-yai, yai, yai ♪

XTASY: Alright, girls, let's get to it.

I've got a 4:00 cryogenic session.

Lexi's ass isn't going to eat itself.

Oh, no, wow.

You okay over there?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm uh... I'm doing great.

Sugar, I'm just gonna come out and say it

I think you're better
suited for a job where you...

I don't know, make soap or fold cardigans.

Uh-huh. Well, that's your opinion.

And it's a pretty good one, too.

Ladies, you're killing the mood.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we disturbing the master at work?

Okay, girls, come on. Let's get to it.

(GIRLS MOANING, CHUCKLES)

Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay.

(MOUTHS) When is it over?

♪ Hey, hey, hey

Oh, yeah.

To all my wonderful people,
another great shoot.

Absolutely!

(CHEER)

Hey, hottie.

Oh, hi. Hi, Lexi.

You look like you didn't
have any fun today.

Oh, no, no, I did. I did.

It's... you know, I learned a lot.

Oh, good.

It's just, uh, is Xtasy kind of...

A bitch?
-Yeah.

Yeah, she can be.

But I mean, she's better
than the male agents.

She gets it at least.

You know, she used to be talent,
so she knows how to protect us.

Wait, Xtasy used to be on camera?

Mm-hmm.
-Wow.

Well, that's interesting.

Speaking of, how did you, you
know, get into pornography?

(CHOKES)

Pornography?

(CHUCKLES)

Babe, you're so cute.

Um, I just really like sex.

Oh.
-And attention.

And no, my dad didn't touch me.

Oh, I didn't think...

Oh, everyone always thinks that.

I mean, of course there's girls

in porn, because their creepy uncle

perved out on them, but not me.

I get off on people watching.

Hmm.

And I'm hot as fuck, so
why would I waste that

sitting in an office all day?

Yeah, no, that actually
makes a lot of sense.

And you're... you're very hot.

Thanks.

Have you ever considered it?

Consider what?

Pornography.

No, fuck no.

I mean, not no, it's just that...
I mean, not you know, fuck no,

just not for me.

It's not my thing.

But you're very, very good at it.

Ah, I get it.

You are one of those
behind-the-scene types.

No, actually, I'm only
doing this temporarily.

(PHONE RINGING)

Uh, sorry, I just... I have to get this.

It's my husband.

Oh.

Hi, baby.

He's still up?

Well, put him on.

Hello, my big man.

Mommy loves you.

What just happened?

Your entire feminist construct implode?

Look at you. Such big words.

And very funny coming

from the guy who has an up-to-date album

of shirtless photos on Instagram.

Diving deep in my socials, huh?

Well, it's kind of my job right now.

Instagram-stalking me is your job?

I'm not just stalking you,
I looked up everybody.

Calm down.
-Sure you did.

You're so cocky. -You're
so high maintenance.

I'm high maintenance?
-Yeah.

Says the man with a monthly subscription

to Crest White Strips?

It's cheaper that way.
I'm fiscally responsible.

Oh, wow.

Fiscally responsible, what a panty-soaker.

Say it again.

Fiscally responsible.

Ugh, you know, I bet you're

one of those guys that
likes to look at himself

in the mirror during sex.

Can you blame me? This shit is tight.

It's okay, I've had better.

I doubt that. -Oh, you doubt that?

What, is that your big move?
-No.

♪ I'm burning, you're burning me up ♪

♪ Oh

♪ This fire's burning me up

♪ Oh

♪ Girl, everything you been doing ♪

♪ Is turning the temperature up ♪

That's my big move.

Well, it's not awful.

But I still totally hate you.

I hate you, too.
-I hate you more.

(MOANS)

Are you close?
-Yeah.

Is it happening?
-Yes.

(GROANING)

Oh!

Okay, ooh.

What was that?

What was what?

That. That was real?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Whoa! I'm... I'm... I'm not criticizing you.

I just want to make sure you got off.

Okay. Well, you know what, Thomas?

It doesn't really matter,
because this was a huge mistake

-and it can never happen again.
-What, really?

Yeah. I'm gonna go.

Okay.

(RUBY SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

What's up, track star?

Huh? Oh, no.

Because I bolted. Yes, that's very funny.

Well, I'm actually very
busy too, so I can't talk.

(TYPING)

(♪♪♪)

You're ignoring my texts.

Dad, dad, what are you doing here?

This is Spread Magazine.

You work at Spread.

This is your job.

Okay, yes, yes. How did you find me?

Oh, I didn't realize I'm
still paying for your iTunes,

so all our devices share the same Apple ID.

I can see your texts.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You've been reading my texts?

Well, that's what you get for
sponging off your old man.

“Ugh, I can't believe
I'm lying to my parents.”

That's nice. A little
guilt is better than none.

“I don't think I can do this,
Whit, Spread is so disgusting.”

Dad, stop! Shh!

“ Spread is so disgusting!”

Well, this is a good one,
you're gonna like this.

“I cannot believe I... ” -Dad, stop!

What do you want?

I just want to take you to lunch.

Good, let's go to lunch.

Okay.
-Now.

That's what I was saying.

This guy. He's not a plumber.

He's not a plumber.
-Dad, stop please.

I know that one.

RUBY: Dad, dad,

I don't really have a lot of time.

-I'm on a deadline.
-Cool, sounds important.

Ugh.

I'm so pumped you're working at Spread.

It's a dream job.

Yeah, well, it's not my dream job.

Oh, shit.

You're not gonna tell mom, are you?

No.

You know, divorced folk
really don't gab that much.

So then what do you want?

I just want to visit the office.

Meet Frank Ferretti.

Find out what you're working on.

Regular dad stuff.

It's gross.
-It'll be fun.

We'll go to lunch.

You can invite Ferretti and
maybe a few of the ladies.

Yeah, it's very gross.

We'll spend some quality time together,

just like you always wanted.

Dad, I wanted that quality time
when I was in elementary school.

And you were at Big Wang's every night.

Watching the Cubs.

Listen, sweetie, I'm retired.

I'm getting older.

I'm running out of time to meet my idol.

Come on. The truth is,

I wish I had been there more for you.

I just... I had never felt
like a dad, you know?

Or acted like one.

I was a shitty dad.

I'm trying to make up for that now.

All right. Well, I'm not sure
I'd totally buy it, but...

Okay. All right, yeah, fuck it.

Fine, deal, you can come.
-Score!

So what's Frank like in real life?

Does he crush some serious gash?

(SIGHS)

You could...

I'm just curious, you know?

It's... okay.

See you at the office.

Spread, she works at Spread.

My dad found out that I banged
a co-worker, and guess what?

He's stoked about it.
-Your dad's weird.

RUBY: (ON PHONE) Yeah, still.
That place is no bueno.

Why are we talking on the phone?
Are you not home?

Ben's been so busy with work,

I thought I'd come up
here and surprise him.

Okay.

Well, I was gonna surprise
you with a sex toy from work,

but now you're just gonna have
to wait until you get back.

Blush! Um, yeah, okay.

Actually, why don't you
bring home all the sex toys?

Whoa, tiger.

WHITNEY: (ON PHONE) Not for me.
For the presentation.

But seriously, you should
have a focus group.

Invite over some ladies,
have real conversations about

sex, porn, toys, what women want

and don't want.

I mean, how are you
gonna make Spread better

if you don't know what women want?

Yeah, I guess I could do that.

I'll put an ad on Craigslist.

Yeah. And make sure you have lots of wine.

Oh, absolutely.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ Oh, honey, honey, you set me alight ♪

♪ Like a summertime sky

♪ Oh, give it to me

♪ I'm dropping

♪ Your love is gonna keep you alive ♪

(GRUNTS) Okay.

♪ ‘Cause I'm turned down ♪

♪ Mr. Fatty

Well, that's good.

♪ There's no one left to fight ♪

♪ Baby, come and beam me up

♪ Oh, honey, honey, I'm under your spell ♪

♪ And I can get it off

(WHIRRING)

There.

♪ Oh, honey, honey

♪ You blazing a trail
with a future so bright ♪

NELSON: How's that?
-RUBY: Mm-hmm.

♪ Oh, give it to me

♪ I'm ready to go

And here's the presentation.

♪ ‘Cause it might be destiny ♪

♪ can't mistake the chemistry

♪ Baby, when you feel a rush

♪ Oh, honey, honey, the money's fair ♪

♪ And I can't enough

♪ Oh

(♪♪♪)

♪ Oh, honey, honey

Yes. Fuck.

(♪♪♪)

Whoo.

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh, yeah.

Fuck you.

I like a vibrator.

And I like a dildo.

But I don't want my dildo to vibrate.

A dildo that doesn't vibrate
is a waste of rubber,

if you ask me.

Yeah, I need all the help I can get.

Vibration, penetration, visual stimulation.

I've actually never used a vibrator before.

Girl. -RUBY: Do you guys watch porn?

Of course.
-Sometimes.

Yeah!

Okay, what kind of porn do you watch?

Actually gay porn.
-Really?

That's interesting. Why?

Because at least it shows
off the guy's bodies.

Right.
-WOMAN 1: Yeah.

Porn made for straight dudes
is just women faking it.

Yeah, I have only done that.

What about porn made for women?

Personally,

I don't think lady porn is all that great.

I mean, still a lot of bad lighting

and lame storylines.

What kind of porn do you want to watch?

Hot guys. Massive cocks.
-Yeah.

And not just, “ Kimmy
can't stop squirting!”

Like equal screen time.

So we can see the guy's
body, not just that one part.

Less dick.

What about a single
woman's Parisian vacation?

Now that is hot.

Woowee.
-(WOMEN LAUGH)

Jane, that's really good.

But it has to be discreet though.

I don't want to see Chicks with Dicks

on my credit card statement.

I grabbed it. I thought
maybe we could talk about it.

I... I don't really know what to think.

No?
-How do I use this?

It's bondage tape.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

Yes.
-Looks a little bit scary.

In a pinch, it's good for travel.

-How is it good for travel?
-I can show you.

Okay. This guy.

Oh, hell no. -What about this thing?

I actually have that one in blue.

You do?

Blue's the most relaxing
color and you've got to relax

if you're going to take
something that big, am I right?

(LAUGH)

I think this went really well.

FERRETTI: Yes.

Well, no, not yet.

It's just an idea.

Of course, we'll need to...

She started as a temp, but...

You know, it's a fucking great idea.

(ELEVATO BELL DINGS)

(GRUNTS)

PRUDENCE: Ooh, big day.

Everyone's in the conference
room waiting for you.

RUBY: Thanks, P.

(STEPS REACHING)

What the fuck.

(♪♪♪)

No, no, no.

Fuck, fuck.

Shit.

That motherfucker.

Ruby, they're getting restless.

It's now or never.

Good luck. -I can't go, I can't go.

I don't have my presentation.

And I don't even know what
the fuck I'm doing here.

Oh, I don't know.

Revolutionizing the porn industry,

giving women a voice.

You got this.

(EXHALES)

(♪♪♪)

(WHIRRING)

(♪♪♪)

(EXHALES)

What's the holdup?

Um, I... I just need one second.

I'm sorry.

This was a bad idea.

-Everyone back to work.
-No, no, no. No, no.

Wait, wait, guys. Please wait.

Um...

Apple taught us to think different.

For some, that means
smartphones and electric cars.

But for Spread, think different
means helping people masturbate

with one hand on their iPhone

and the other hand on their genitals.

The Spread app is designed to do just that.

And of course, it would
be discreet, you know,

with options of different interfaces,

making it look like an app
for recipes or shopping

or navigation or whatever the user chooses.

And of course, it'll be password-protected.

Um, bow, if we dive a little deeper into

user personalization.

(SCRIBBLES)

♪ Oh yeah, I've gotta make it

♪ Don't fear

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

We not only need to optimize

on the power of the Spread
brand and subscriber base,

but we also need to expand on it.

Let me ask you a question.

Who do you think drives 60 to 70 percent

of all consumer purchasing?

Oh.

Women.

And what percentage of women
do you think watch porn?

(GASPS)

10 percent.

50 percent.

My mom is one of those. She
likes movies set on farms.

She's an animal lover.

Thank you, Nelson.

The point is women will watch porn

if you just engage them.

They want porn that's tailored to them.

Okay, listen to this.

WOMAN 2: (ON TAPE) My family shares
a computer and my kids use my phone,

so can't have any porn on there.

RUBY: (ON TAPE) What if it was an app that

looked like an astrology app

and your kids didn't have access to it?

WOMAN 2: (ON TAPE) I
can get with that. Yes.

RUBY: (ON TAPE) Yeah, that'd work.

Why aren't we marketing

to the other half of the population,

the half that controls the
majority of the spending?

Right now, Spread is missing
out on this massive audience

and their tremendous spending power

with a modest start-up investment

of 150K for tech and personnel.

RUBY: Creating a solid app

could increase annual revenue
by as much as 300 percent.

Mr. Ferretti?

I think that porn is an unsung hero.

Why do people buy VHS players?

They get off to porn in the comfort

of their bedrooms.

Then they bought DVDs and Blu-rays,

so they could see more clearly.

And now the internet.

So does that mean you're in?

Oh, I'm a believer.

But we can't move forward.

NELSON: What?

-THOMAS: That's a good idea.
-(LESLIE LAUGHS)

Um...
-Leslie, shut the fuck up.

(STEPS FALLING)

Mr. Ferretti?

Frank?

Mr. Ferretti?

(DOOR SHUTS)

Welcome to the suck.

♪ You got me shaking

♪ Yeah, I feel the fever going

Ohh!

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

Whoa.
-Okay.

Do you like have a homing
device for vulnerable women?

I was gonna say something
nice, but I could just leave.

No.

Please stay.

I could use hearing something nice.

I was gonna say that

even though your
presentation started off bad,

like really, really embarrassingly bad.

It was...
-Okay.

Can you skip to the good part, please?

I was really impressed.

I got to say, your research
and approach was streamlined,

in depth, and well, innovative.

Hmm.

(WOMAN MOANING IN VIDEO)

THOMAS: Yeah.

(WOMAN MOANING IN VIDEO)

How can she focus?

I multitask all day.

I don't want to do it with
multiple sets of genitals.

If I'm gonna, you know,
then I need to concentrate.

Speaking of.

(SIGHS)

Okay. Okay, fine.

Yes, you were right, I faked it.

Why?
-Because it's embarrassing.

I mean, most guys don't even
know how to get a woman off.

I didn't even know how to get myself off

for a very long time.

How sad is that?

Well, I think that's pretty common.

No, it's fucking tragic is what it is.

I can help you.

I mean, we can do it together.

Spread should offer tutorials

for giving women orgasms and...

And for women to achieve their own.

Like school, but sexy.

Yeah, right.

Research.

Research.

(KISSING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

PRUDENCE: Frank, honey. I have your coffee.

Oh, it's you.

Prudence?

Not cool.

I'm sorry. I... I begged her, sir.

Can I please just have five minutes?

The app is a strategic long-term...

I'll stop you right there.

There's no more long-term
investments in Spread.

Our parent company bought
us out of bankruptcy,

but we're still hemorrhaging money

and I can't find a way to stop it.

And you know I started
this magazine in my garage?

You did?
-Yeah.

My first wife was a cover
model, a beautiful blonde.

Boy, was she a knockout.

She didn't like that I always
called her “my first wife”.

(CHUCKLES)

I was just being realistic.

And that's how I ran my business.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

And when the magazines had mansions, uh,

fighting for free speech.

I knew in order to survive
I had to minimize risks,

stay under the radar. Coast.

And that's how I survived the game.

Well, it makes sense to me.

Maybe I wanted to prove

to those snotty rich kids I grew up with

that I was as good as them.

Or maybe I was having too much fun

and just didn't give a fuck.

This place might not look like much to you,

but it's everything to me.

I know it is.

All those idiots who work
here, well, they're my idiots.

They're my family really.

And I've let everyone down.

No. No, you haven't, Mr. Ferretti.

You know, people warned me.

They said the industry was changing

and I have to change with it.

But I didn't listen.

And now it's too late.

No, it's not.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

It's not too late.

Ruby, I'm not in charge
of the budget anymore.

That... that foolish asshole
who's been walking around here,

Mr. Sizemore,

he's the corporate suit
who's really in charge.

I asked him for the start-up money.

But he said no.

He said no?

Actually, he said, “Get fucked.”

I don't have a good
feeling about this luau.

What if I went and talked to him?

You know, you're telling me

this guy's all about money, right?

So if... if I showed him the projections,

then he couldn't deny it.

He couldn't deny the numbers.

I can be very convincing.

(♪♪♪)

You're a good kid.

(FERRETTI CHUCKLES)

So that's it?

All right, well,

it was an honor being one of your idiots.

Can I give you a hug?

They say, Ruby, you're like a dream

Not always what you seem

And though my heart may break

Oh, shut up.

(LAUGHS)

You're a really good kid.

Now do me a favor.

What? Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

(STEPS FALLING)

How many wives have you had?

Four and counting.

(CHUCKLES)

(♪♪♪)

(SOBS)

(SNIFFLES, EXHALES)

(SLURPS)

(SIGHS)

I guess it's time for a new temp.

(♪♪♪)

(KNOCKING)

Your 10:00, sir.

I didn't know I had a 10:00.

She said it was urgent.

Doubtful.

Um, Mr. Sizemore, I have a plan

to dramatically increase your profit.

I just need five minutes.
-No.

What? But I haven't even...

I know who you are and why you're here.

Okay, but this could save...

It can't and it won't.

I won't let Spread waste one more penny.

After the luau, it's done.

You're shutting down Spread?

But what about everybody who works here?

Well, you'll all get
your severance packages.

Well, not you actually.

You're just a temp.

But I have a plan, okay?

And I can prove it to you.

If you'll just give me
a little bit more time,

I can show you.
-Spread is out of time.

You better update your resume.

Wait, is... is Spread even on your resume?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Why are you still here?

Pearl.

Bring me a cappuccino.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)

(♪♪♪)

Hey, lameosexual.

Guess what?
-What?

My windsurfing story goes live today.

It's very cool, Leslie. Good for you.

Yeah, it is good for me.

Gross. What's your problem?

-I just talked to Sizemore...
-Stopped listening!

(EXHALES)

I know it was you who took
my note cards, you dickhead.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)

Goodbye, Shasta. Bye, Feather.

What a fun work environment.

Dad? Dad, dad, lunch
isn't for another hour.

-What are you doing here?
-Retirement's boring.

No, no, no. You have to leave.

Ple... -What's all the commotion?

You're still here?

Mm-hmm. Sure am.

It's Ferretti. It's Frank Ferretti.

It's Frank Ferretti in the flesh.

That's right. Who's this?

Mr. Ferretti, um, I'm very sorry.

This is my father, but he was just leaving.

You, sir, are a legend.

I'm just honored you've given
my daughter this opportunity.

Is that so?
-Oh, absolutely.

It's always been a dream
of mine to meet you,

and I have brought you
this but a humble gift

of my appreciation, a bag of bagels.

I spared no expense.

There's every flavor in there except

for the everything bagel,
because they cost a dollar more.

They make my breath stink anyway.

Right? I mean.

How about a tour?
-Oh, I'd love that.

Thank you so much. Yes, please.

Um, Mr. Ferretti.

Uh, I...

May I take those bagels from you?

RON: Okay.

How about that tour?

So what's this? This looks interesting.

It's a closet full of dildos.

I love this place!

(SIGHS)

Ruby? -Nelson, what are you doing?

Were you crying?
-Were you spying?

My mother calls it, “private
attentive observation”.

Okay, that's spying.

I'm sorry you're sad.

I'm not sad, I'm... I'm frustrated.

Your eyes look pretty
when they're bloodshot

Is that all you wanted to tell me?

Leslie is gathering
everyone for a release party

of his windsurfing story?

Ugh.

Will you be my date?

Yes.

Ho!

You really outdid yourself
with this tap water.

Yeah, you're not gonna
be talking so much shit

once you read the story.

You do realize I've already read it, right?

Yeah, whatever.

Are you kidding me?

It's McDumack, you fucks!

Who wrote Leslie McDumbass, huh?

Ooh.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you think this is fucking funny?

Dude, it was a joke.

Besides, you're the one

who's supposed to proofread everything.

Yeah, whatever.

You and your boyfriend
are gonna pay for this.

(GRUNTS)

Shit!

(PANTS)

Leslie called me your boyfriend.

Leslie calls his penis a beef bazooka,

so I wouldn't read into it.

Trust me, I'm not.

I just hope everyone around here
doesn't think that we're dating.

Why? Because that would be the worst thing?

Assembling Ikea furniture might be worse.

Okay, well, you don't
have to worry about it,

because we're never hooking up again.

Sure.

We're not.
-Mm-hmm.

(GASP)

Fuck.

(♪♪♪)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mr. Ferretti, do you have a minute?

Sure.

Talk to Mr. Sizemore?

Yeah.

He's shutting down Spread and
announcing it at the luau.

I had a feeling. Thanks for telling me.

Do me a favor, don't tell the others yet.

No, no, no. Of course, I won't.

It's just... he just doesn't
see the big picture.

Well, he calls the shots.

Now, I hate to kick you
out, but I don't want you

to see a grown man cry.

(♪♪♪)

(DOOR SHUTS)

What are you doing?

Um, I was just looking
for a job for my friend.

I was looking for a job for my friend.

That's my favorite dating site.

But that was LinkedIn.

I know.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh shit. Hello?

Okey-dokey.

Okay, so tomorrow, yeah, yes, yes.

Yes, of course, I'll be there.

Thank you so much, I'll see you then.

(SIGHS)

(TYPING)

(♪♪♪)

(SIGHS)

MARCIA: Hmm.

Well, you don't have much in the form

of real life work experience.

But I must say I find all your
extracurriculars interesting.

Published in The New
Yorker at the age of 17.

That's exceptional.

It is?
-Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, I've... I've...

I've always been a lover of language.

And you're currently at The Atlantic?

Yes. -Well, they're quite esteemed.

I go way back with Max.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Max is uh, is great.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, I've never met Max

because um, I mostly keep to myself.

But yeah, everybody loves Max.

So tell me about your position there.

At The Atlantic.
-Yes.

Uh, right now, I am just
a junior copy editor.

And I do love it, but you know,

I just wish there was room for growth.

What's your long-term goal?

I want to be a managing editor.

That's ambitious.

I like that.

So tell me a little more about yourself.

Yeah. So I started writing
when I was around 12.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

PRUDENCE: Oh, you can
see areola with these.

Ruby, come help us pick
out supplies for the luau.

Do you think the 75 coconut
bras are gonna be enough?

Are there ever really enough?

That is so true.

Let's make it an even 100.

You're coming to the luau, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

You gonna invite all your feminist friends?

No, I'm not.

Yeah, ‘cause you don't have any, loser.

You're one to talk. -I
have fucking friends.

Okay, my entire Aikido class is coming.

(CHUCKLES) -Nice.

You haven't told anybody you work here.

You're a fucking stinky
hippie feminist spy.

And you probably got a full bush.

It's not a full bush.
-Hm.

Okay, um, everybody follow
me into the conference room.

Okay, right now. I need
everybody, let's go.

Not going. Don't fucking work for you.

RUBY: I meant everybody else.

(♪♪♪)

Okay. So Frank doesn't seem to think...

RON: Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Dad, what are you doing here?

And why are you under the table?

Well, I'm just polishing my Ben Wa balls.

You know how that relaxes me.

Okay.

Well, as I was saying,

Frank doesn't think that we
have the resources for this app,

but I disagree.

You all are the greatest resource

he could ever have.

We should launch this app
with minimum viable product

just to prove its capabilities.

But we have to do it before the luau.

Oh, dear. That's in a week, honey.

I know. But I have a friend who has a team

in Bangladesh that can deliver me

the wireframes that fast.

I may have to give her
my firstborn in return,

but we'll cross that
bridge when we come to it.

You can always have more kids.

Thank you, dad. Um, moving on.

Prudence, because of all your
relationships in this business,

I was thinking you could be in charge

of finding our advertisers.

I could do that, I think.

And Hank, you seem to really
be getting the hang of Twitter,

and I think you'll learn
TikTok, and Instagram,

and Snapchat, no problem.

Plus, everybody loves you, you know?

So just get those girls
to link up their socials

to Spread's, and we'll be golden.

And uh, Nelson, you'll be our king of code.

I'm her king?
-Yeah.

And obviously, we'll need killer design,

so that'll be Thomas' domain.

What am I in charge of?

Dad, you don't work here.

Consider it a community service.

Okay, whatever. Is everybody in?

Well, I'm in. Let's do it.

You're probably gonna
pester me until I say yes,

so let's just cut out the headache.

Nelson?

Anything for my queen.

Cool. And Thomas.

Sorry, I... I have other work to do.

That was that buzzkill, huh?

Going so strong there.

(DOOR OPENS)

Motherf...

(DOOR CLOSES)

He seems nice.
-He's an asshole.

Hm.
-Oh, yeah.

He is an asshole.
-Piece of shit.

Balls?
-Thank you.

Yeah.
-Can I... can I try one?

No.

Other work to do?
-Oh, please, come in.

You and I both know that
this is a good idea.

You can't save Spread.

Yes, we can if we try.

It's too much work and not enough time.

It is not possible.
-What is your problem?

Are you afraid of failure or
are you afraid of success?

Neither.

Oh, so you just think empowering women

is a bullshit idea in general.

Okay, I got it now. Thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES) -(UPBEAT MUSIC)

MARCIA: (ON PHONE) Is this Ruby Clark?

Yes, this is Ruby.

MARCIA: (ON PHONE) Marcia,
from the Sophisticate here.

Good news.

It's just down to you
and one other candidate.

Really?
-MARCIA: Yes.

Well, that's amazing.

MARCIA: (ON PHONE) I'll be in touch soon.

Thank you so much.

MARCIA: (ON PHONE) Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

(♪♪♪)

Okay, since dickhole Thomas
is out, the design's on you.

I've been told I have
a great eye for color.

I can tell that just by looking at you.

Uh, we also need somebody
to make new videos.

How about Leslie? Maybe he can help.

No, no, hell no.

We need somebody who
already owns the equipment

and would do it for free.

Oh, you know what?

I think I know a guy.

So let me get this straight.

My ex-girlfriend who dumped
me for watching porn now wants

to hire me to make porn.

I do see the irony.

But think of it this way.

If we're successful, then you can use this

to finance all your shitty indies.

You should work on your pitch.

I'm offering you a chance
to make porn, Orson.

That's my pitch.

I'm gonna need money for
crew, sets, wardrobe, actors.

Well, there is no money.
-(SCOFFS)

I mean, there's no money right now.

There will be eventually.

But right now all we need are
little TikTok-sized videos.

Okay? Just bite-sized itty-bitty videos.

And when I think of
itty-bitty, oh, I think of you.

That's just not nice.

Sorry.

Look, do you want to make
fucking pornos or not?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I want to make the porns.

(CHUCKLES)

Great.

So I tell the guy he's got a choice.

It's either rum and coke
or the Easter Bunny.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Anyway, ladies, what would you say

to increasing your earning potential?

Um, yeah.

Oh, Roger,

you know that I'm powerless when
it comes to a seafood tower.

Okay.

Well, listen, if we can
count on Trojan advertising

on our site,

you can count on me
only wearing clamshells.

Every time you post on social media,

you tag Spread and you get paid.

Cool.
-Yeah.

And listen, a little birdie told me that

blow-me-finger-me-make-me-cum
needs some product placement.

So what's the catch?

No catch.
-Oh, you naughty boy.

So is that a yes?

So anytime we post something,
we just tag Spread and get paid?

It's that simple.

Hello, Murray.

What if they're fetish videos?

Even better.
-Fine, Murray.

Be that way.
-Girl on girl.

Girl on girl, on girl, on girl. I love it.

Please tell me that Cum
On Us has us covered?

Completely? Head to toe?

Bondage.
-Of course, bondage.

Of course.
-Felching.

There's an audience for that.

(SIGHS)

My work here is done.

(PHONE RINGING)

Ruby.
-Hello?

ORSON: (ON PHONE) Hey, it's Orson.
Again, I need your help.

I'm having a problem getting a location.

Okay, we'll just figure it out.

ORSON: (ON PHONE) Oh, for fuck's...

I've had an idea.

Wait, where have you been?

I'm using the swag closet as my office now.

It's really inspiring in there.

Anyway, picture this.

We host a contest to find
Spread's biggest fan.

And the winner gets swag from the closet

and maybe a date with a pornstar even.

That's actually not a bad idea.

It's actually a great idea.

Yes?

You think I got a shot
at winning the contest?

I think we would be hard pressed

finding somebody more obsessed than you.

Yes! I got this!

(GASPS)

Dearest? -Nelson, just Ruby, please.

Just Ruby, please?

Can I show you the design?

Yeah, sure.

(CLICKING)

Well, for positives, it's...
You know, it's super fast.

Here.

What's this?

It's the design.

Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Why? -Because Nelson is colorblind.

That explains so much.

This is amazing.

Thank you.

For the record, I do
believe in empowering women.

But...

I am afraid of failure.

Oh.
-And success.

Oh.
-It's complicated.

(CHUCKLE)

Get a room!

He needs to get laid.
-Yeah, he does.

But nobody will fuck him.

Nope. -Oh, well, isn't this sweet?

This guy had the Spread
logo tattooed on his penis.

I mean, like this, it just says SD,

but when it gets hard...

Really?
-Yeah.

Let me look at that.

Oh, yeah, that... it's impressive.

Mm-hmm. -That must have been painful.

It was. For him, I bet.

The guy.

Hey! Waste of space. Yeah?

What are the old people
doing in the conference room?

Huh?
-Huh?

The old people.

The three wrinkly amigos
in the conference room.

Oh, they're working on the app.

Are you deaf or something?

Frank said no to the app.

He didn't say no actually.

Oh.

Well, then I want in.

Yeah, that's never happening.

You've been trying to
sabotage me since day one.

You were so threatened that a woman

could actually have some good ideas

and that those good ideas, my ideas,

might just prove that you're a misogynist

dressed up as a dumbass.

A McDumbass.

(EXHALES)

You're gonna regret that.
-Okay.

Yeah.

Fuck, man.

I think we have our winner.

Ooh.

Yeah, I think you should read it.

Even made Hank feel an emotion.

I mean, this guy is saying that Spread

helped him stay faithful to his wife

for the entire five years he was deployed.

Yeah.

Of course, there is always this guy who had

the Spread logo tattooed on his penis.

Ew.
-Yeah.

It's your father.

(SIGH)

(TOGETHER) Fuck.

(DOOR OPENS)

(KEYS JINGLES)

ORSON: Yeah, yeah.

(ORSON GRUNTING IN BACKGROUND)

LEXI: (INDISTINCT SPEECH)

ORSON: Yeah, yeah, take that injection.

LEXI: Uh-huh, yeah,
I need a big prescription

of a spanking.

Yeah, take this penis, silly.

Orson!
-Ruby!

Lexi!
-Ruby!

Oh, you're the ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, lucky me.

Orson, what the fuck are you doing?

What you asked, making porn!

Why are you doing this in my apartment?

I have a roommate.
-I have a roommate!

Oh, I told you I was having
trouble finding a location.

You told me to figure it out.

I figured it out.

You still have my key?

Oh, no, baby, always return the key.

Look, you want these movies
done by your deadline,

you're gonna have to be a little flexible.

Okay, can we just have a little chat

without your penis inside of her?

Oh, no, it's out.
-Are you sure?

No, it isn't.

Okay, now it's out.

And I thought you were gonna hire some guy

to help you do this, not do it yourself.

Well, you didn't give me the money

to hire some stunt cock,
so I'm doing it gonzo.

All from the guy's perspective
holding the camera.

Well, I need production value.

What do you expect?

I don't have any money
for sets, crew, nothing.

I had to pay Lexi with my own rent money.

Totally worth it, by the way.

Aw.

Listen, I know I disappointed
you as a boyfriend,

but I will not disappoint
you in this, okay, Ruby?

I got this.

I went to USC.

(SIGHS)

Okay. Okay, fine, just get
the videos done, all right?

And when you're finished,

wash the fucking sheets, all right?

And for the love of
God, hand her the camera

once in a while, okay?

Change the POV.

POV?

POV, power? Power of vagina. That's good.

Lexi, get familiar with the zoom.

Uh-huh.
-(CHUCKLES)

(DOOR CLOSES) -And
Orson, leave the damn key!

You guys did this?

You guys did this with no money?

Everybody worked above and beyond.

We did all of it for you, Frank.

Let's party.

(ALL LAUGH)

I don't believe it.

Here's to an amazing team.

Ruby, a big thanks for

shoving us into the modern world.

(CHUCKLES)

Cheers.

Cheers.

Two.

You're gonna show Sizemore, the bastard,

before the luau?

That's the plan.

No matter what happens, I'm proud of you.

And no matter what happens,

you will always be my favorite porn lord.

Porn lord?
-Mm-hmm.

Any title with the word
lord in it, I accept.

(CHUCKLE)

Mm.
-Are you okay?

Yes, sir.

A cappuccino will be there when you arrive.

Uh, uh, he's not here.

Um, 9:00 a.m. to Geneva.

Yes, I got it.
-Wait a minute.

Is that him, Mr. Sizemore?

He's not interested.

Sorry, sir. It's just her again.

Did he tell you he's not interested?

No. He actually said he
doesn't give two shits.

Fuck, that does sound like him.

Yes, sir. Already done.

I just hit my panic button.

Security will be here momentarily.

But I just need one minute

with him to show him the numbers.

Look, we made the app.
We made the app, sir!

We made the app, and it's great.

Spread has value! It's worth saving!

Security has tasers.

Yes, sir. She's gone.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)

Another 2,000 followers on Twitter.

Awesome, Hank.

Closed an ad deal with smashmydaddy.com.

Great.

The processing speed of
the UI functionality...

English.
-It's fast.

Perfect.

Someone pissed in your coffee again?

No. No, I'm just tired.

Well, I can fix that.

How about dinner, Cadillac
margaritas at my place?

Are you asking me out on a date?

We can call it “a drunken sex rendezvous”.

Couple of alcoholics.

I... I... I can't tonight, Thomas.

I'm sorry. Another time, okay?

Yeah.

Whatever.

(♪♪♪)

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Why aren't you ready for the party?

I can't go, Whit.

I can't.

I can't watch my... my friends get fired.

And... and Thomas asked me
out on like a real date-ish,

and it's just... it's all too weird.

I'm gonna be home soon
and I'm not going alone.

You need to get drunk,
be there for your friends

when they get fucked,
and then come to terms

with your feelings for Thomas,
and get fucked yourself.

I wish it were that simple.

WHITNEY: (ON VIDEO CALL)
Look on the bright side.

You now have major experience.

You're gonna get the
job at the Sophisticate,

and no one will ever know
you worked at Spread.

Yeah.

WHITNEY (ON VIDEO CALL): Oh, dude.

You can't let it go down like this.

There has to be a way.

Downloads are off the charts.

Our engagement metrics
are through the roof.

Revenue is climbing.

But that asshole, Sizemore,
who's gonna be at the luau...

So he can fire everybody.

Yeah, he doesn't give a shit.

I mean, unless I could...

Unless I could figure out a
way to show him at the party

in front of everyone.

But I mean, is that insane?

Absolutely insane and I love it.

Now, go get ready.

I'll be home soon.

(♪♪♪)

I'm gonna go find Sizemore.

I'm going for the bar.

Ruby, I was looking for you.

Hi, Hank. -I wanted to ask you a question.

Yeah, can I... can I talk to you one minute?

Okay, it's like this.

Okay, I don't have a
lot of family of my own.

Right, and I don't mean
to interrupt you, but...

And when you get to be older like me,

you start worrying about
certain things like dying.

Oh, wow, Hank.
-Let me finish.

I have an elderly companion.

Well, Shirley is a real pain in the ass,

but I love her.

What are you gonna do?

Well, when I die, I want
somebody to care for her.

I think you know where this is going.

I don't.

I wondered if you would look
after Shirley when I'm gone.

Um, I...

My cat?

Shirley's my cat.

Oh.

Yes, yes, Hank, no problem, okay?

Don't you worry.
-Okay, okay.

-All right, okay. Off you go.
-Okay. Okay. Okay.

Do you want some water?
-No.

Whoa!
-Oh, shoot, sorry.

My hands are still sticky.

From the margarita, silly.

Okay.

Oh, great party.

I got laid.

ORSON: Ruby, Ruby,

my videos are getting thousands of views.

I'm basically like the handsome Ron Jeremy.

Yeah, the whole time you were...

That's not good.

(KISSES)

Aloha.

(CHUCKLES)

Ruby, Ruby, you look perfect.

I purchased these for you.

Don't eat them.

They're toxic to ingest.

Okay, I won't.
-What's up, hot stuff?

You want to go fool
around in the swag closet?

May I have those back?

Oh, wait, oh Nelson, I'm so sorry.

What do you say?

A shag in the swag?

No, no, gross.

Okay, if I freaked you out about
asking you to go to dinner,

then we can go back to hate fuck.

No, no, I don't hate you, Thomas.

I just... I have to go find Sizemore.

Hey, Ruby Doobie. Great party.

I can't talk right now, dad.

I just said... okay, all right.

Get out of my way.

Check your Instagram.

What?
-Yeah.

What the fuck?

You hacked my account?
-Yeah.

And you spelled love with a U?

That's right.

Check TikTok, Twitter, LinkedIn.

Shit, shit, shit. What the fuck?

Ah, that's right, guys.

She's ashamed of Spread.
-No, I'm not!

You think we all suck.

RUBY: Guys, don't listen to him.
He's an asshole.

Okay, I'm an asshole.

Boom. “Ruby.

I can't believe I fucked him.”

“Whitney. At least it wasn't Orson.”

“Ruby. I jumped from one
sleazebag to another.

This place is disgusting.

Everybody here is so gross.”

No.
-Thank you very much.

No, no, no, no, no.

You guys, you guys, please,
you have to believe me.

I said that such a long time ago.

It's before I knew you.

I was so close-minded.

Please, you have to forgive me.

What the fuck is your problem?

You're my fucking problem.

Okay, you might have
everybody else here fooled,

but not me.

You should just leave,
nobody wants you here.

You don't belong.

Hank, I'm sorry. I didn't...

(SIGHS)

You're a piece of shit.

(CHUCKLES) Fucking great.

You're fired.
-Are you serious?

Well, then fuck, I quit!

MARCIA: Ruby.
-Marcia.

Funny seeing you here.

Yeah, yeah, you too.

I just came, because um,
it's a crazy party, right?

Yeah, pretty crazy.

I'm glad I ran into you.

I mentioned that the job
was down to two candidates.

I have to tell you something.

I... I know that I told you
that I worked for The Atlantic,

but I lied.

I don't work for The Atlantic.

I work here at Spread.

I know.

And that's exactly why
you're not the candidate

that's getting the job.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I figured.

Spread's a real career killer, isn't it?

No, it isn't.

But lying is.

You shouldn't assume you
know what people want.

Frank.
-FERRETTI: Marcia.

Oh, there you are.

PEARL: (ON SPEAKER) Attention everyone,
Mr. Sizemore has an announcement.

Dad! Xtasy!

Oh, hey sweetie

You've met Xtasy.

Um, you two should talk.

Um. Talk.

Huh.

What... what the fuck is going on?

I'm sorry. We should have told you sooner.

And I realize we shouldn't
mix business and pleasure,

but I guess it runs in the family.

That's not funny.

I like Thomas and I can see you're happy,

even if you won't admit it.

Listen, Ruby, since we've
been hanging out together

at Spread, I feel so alive.

And being with Xtasy

has made me feel 30 years younger.

Dad, I don't know.

I'm happy you're happy,
but this is just a lot.

I know, sweetie, but
sometimes things happen,

and you've got to just do what feels right,

you know?

Yeah. Yeah, it's true.

PEARL: (ON SPEAKER) Please come now.

I've got to go.

Hey, family vacations
are gonna be fun, huh?

Cray cray.

Okay, bye.

Hey, I'm really so sorry
to interrupt, Mr. Sizemore,

but I just wanted to
make sure you saw this.

Okay, you know what?

Yes, it's true.

When I first came here,
I thought Spread was disgusting.

And you know, granted,
that's partially because

I was asked to organize
dildos on the first day,

but you didn't need to know that.

Anyway, when I got here, I was jobless

and I had nothing.

I judged these people for
what they did for a living.

But the truth is, these people work harder,

and they take more pride

in their jobs than most
normal people I know.

I mean, you know what I mean.

(SIGHS)

I came here lost, and I
really, really needed somebody

to believe in me.

And I think Spread needed
someone to believe in them.

And I'm really happy we found each other.

And you know what?

The relationships in my
life have never been better.

I mean, my dad, he's found love,

it seems, which is great for him.

My ex-boyfriend is
finally getting into film.

Maybe not in the way he thought,

but honestly, in a way
that makes sense for him.

And I met somebody

who I actually have a real connection with

for the first time in my life.

So, yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but this place is pretty fucking amazing.

But most importantly, Spread
is a fucking gold mine.

It's a gold mine. I mean,
anybody could see it.

Since our launch, revenue is up over 200%.

But unfortunately, it doesn't matter,

because Mr. Sizemore is just
gonna flush it all away,

which is funny, because I thought

if nothing else, you
were a smart businessman.

But I guess I was wrong.

So, yeah, I just wanted to tell you

that you're making a huge mistake

and that it's been real.

I'm with her.

If you can't see what these kids
and Hank are capable of doing,

then you have no need to fire me.

I quit.

(♪♪♪)

Hello, everyone.

I just wanted you all to have a good night.

Cheers.

Wait, what?

What's that about?

You're annoying,

but I think you have what it takes.

I'm gonna invest in you.

You have one year to turn Spread around.

Do not disappoint me.

Off.

Sorry, sorry.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Sizemore.

You won't regret this.

So, I didn't really mean I quit
when I said I quit, I quit.

Are you gonna hug me, too?

Oh God, no, you're terrifying.

Then your job is safe for now.

We did it.
-No, you did it, kid.

And I'm so proud of you.

(CHUCKLES)

I think that means it's time
to spread this party wide open.

Let's party!

(CHEERING)

(INDISCERNIBLE SPEECH)

Oh, no, Thomas, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay, I think
you made up for it.

(KISSING)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Nelson.

(YELLS)

(♪♪♪)

Would you like these florals?

They look nice, but are toxic to ingest.

(EXHALES)

I love orchids.

You have pretty teeth.

I like your hair.

What's your favorite animal?

This is Timmy.

He can't hurt me anymore.

Hi, Timmy.

Beetles or Stones on three.

1, 2, 3.

(TOGETHER) Coldplay.

(GASPS)

(♪♪♪)

PRUDENCE: Morning, Bob.

Oh my God, P, Roger?

No, it's Stanley.

I can't wait for the bachelorette.

Hey, how's Shirley?

Yeah, still alive.

Ooh, looking good, you guys.

THOMAS: Morning, Glory.
-Oh, you wish.

Beyond proud of you.

Oh gosh. -You gonna get out on time?

Reso's a firm 8:00 p.m.

Yes, we gotta celebrate.

Hm.
-It's on your desk.

Thank you. -Hey, Roobs, guess what?

We're up 37%.

Sizemore, the bastard, gave the thumbs up

to keep going.

That's amazing, Frank.

Dream team.

There she is, the queen of porn!

That's my title.
-Oh, right, sorry.

We have a special announcement

and we wanted you to be the first to know.

Okay.

My squirter still works.

We're having a baby!
-(SQUEALS, LAUGHS)

Oh, I'll get the saltines.
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