Original subtitles

[footsteps pattering] [indistinct chatter]

- When you first come in from middle school

you'll want to cry.

- I will give you a test every other Wednesday.

- It's really stressful.

[light violin music]

- You aren't as smart as you think you are.

- Okay, that's like a B minus, you can do a lot better.

[upbeat music]

- Go to class.

- I am going to class!

- It's tangible in some of those classes, you know,

you can feel how worried people are about college.

- It's a nationally ranked school.

My mom pretty much forced me to go to Lowell.

- Lowell is tiger mom central.

- That's motivation.

[upbeat music]

- My friend, he said,

"Oh, you go to an Asian excellency school."

- The kids who come here know they are competing

in a world that is very high achieving.

- I would love UC Berkeley.

- Harvard, Stanford.

- Columbia.

- Stanford. - Stanford.

- Stanford's my dream school.

[dragon boat yelling]

- Lowell is the ultimate self-confidence crusher.

[electricity crackling]

- It's the best. [chuckles]

[upbeat music]

[students murmuring]

[upbeat music]

- All right, so, this is Lowell.

It's very unlike all the other high schools in like the area

in that, it's not in that great of condition.

I've had friends from like Menlo-Atherton come up here,

and they say that Lowell kind of looks like a prison,

and I go over to their school

and I know exactly what they're talking about.

Yeah, so, should we go check it out now?

[upbeat music]

Yeah, so this is like the flagpole.

This is like the front entrance,

this is where everyone goes in,

and yeah...

this is all our awards and stuff.

This is what alumni get to brag about.

So, we have the library. [door opening]

After school, this place gets packed, like packed,

like you can't find a seat.

[upbeat music] [indistinct chatter]

[student coughing]

This is the computer lab, it's always really crowded...

but it's a great place to gain access to computers.

- Yo, Ian.

- Christian.

So this hallway is usually packed

and that intersection is one of the worst.

[indistinct chatter]

I think a lot of kids at Lowell,

they're actually pretty amazing.

[upbeat music]

- My mom wants me to go to Stanford

but that's like, whoa, kind of far out there.

- Obviously Stanford would be great,

but even if I had a 4.0 GPA and I got a nearly perfect score

on the SAT, I would have a one in five chance of getting in.

- Bye, Sophia.

- Bye.

Bye.

[indistinct]

Okay.

Stanford is probably my top choice, yeah.

- What is funny and not funny will depend on who are and...

- Like a lot of freshmen have a lot of Stanford gear

and I was one of them.

But by sophomore year...

you don't see any Stanford gear on them anymore.

Maybe it's like Cal and UCLA.

By junior year you see people with like...

Occidental, or like... what's another

west coast private college

that's not that hard to get into?

- I got to dance.

- What's up? - Hi.

- My dream school would be probably UCLA.

UCs, baby! [chuckling]

[footsteps]

- This is the AP physics C class

and only like the most devoted to like learning

and like the best at math and the best at physics

and the best at like learning in general take this class.

I would say that most kids that end up in an Ivy

would have taken this class in high school.

I guess you're just looking at like,

the cream of the crop right here.

So yeah.

- We're gonna start hopefully in a few seconds.

- Oh, I'm not taking it,

because I didn't take an AP physics before

and I think that's like sort of like the prerequisite,

and because like, I'm just too scared to take

like a really hard math related class.

- Ladies and gentlemen, let's get focused,

you're gonna need every second.

You can use calculators, and your brains

and your hands and nothing else.

Please begin.

I've been teaching at Lowell since 1990.

In the 90s, if you went to Lowell,

and had a good solid B average in honors courses

you got into Berkeley, you just walked in, everyone got in.

Now you don't.

They're objectively under more pressure

in terms of college acceptance.

The physics students essentially are all seniors,

so this is their last grade for college application.

[finger cracking]

- One wrong answer could potentially mean the difference

between an A and a B or B and a C, right?

Which would be a difference in your overall grade,

which would be a difference in your GPA,

which would be a difference

in the college and everything else.

[upbeat music]

- We want to see whether or not potentially exosomes,

the release of exosomes could maintain homeostasis

in a cell.

So, in this overlay where we inhibit lysosomes

and we got rid of exosomes,

there was a worsening of homeostasis.

- So yours is mostly just as a compensation

to loss of lysosomes?

- Yeah, loss of lysosomes.

- Great. Good work.

I'm really impressed.

I'm impressed that anyone let alone a high school

summer student could do this much work in one summer.

- We also did a western blot of the same protein C63

which is extra enriched.

And then we found that there was an increase

of C63 in [indistinct].

And knowing that there's increase of both--

- So what do you think you're gonna do in the future?

- Probably become a surgeon.

- Become a surgeon? - Yeah.

- What kind of surgeon?

- Like a brain surgeon.

- Turn your shoulders a little that way.

Turn your head, a little tilt, big smile.

[snapshot] Perfect.

- For Lowell students, I feel like there's definitely

a pressure from your classmates.

[snapshot] - [Woman] Awesome.

[snapshot] Awesome.

[snapshot] Awesome.

[snapshot] Awesome.

Thank you very much.

- And also a pressure at home too.

It's like a war on two fronts.

- You want to go to the college,

I want to get out of the college,

I have to be better than you to get into that college.

So, I'll work my tail off to be better than you.

- Sometimes at Lowell, it's hard to have a strong sense

of self-esteem because you're always comparing yourself

to other people like, oh,

this person has a higher grade point average than me,

they got a better ACT score than me

so, how am I gonna measure up?

- You jump in the water, swim an hour that way then swim,

that's two hours.

- Going to Lowell, I have been introduced

to so many like actual like geniuses.

- I mean, I feel like every class has a superstar.

- Jonathan Chu, for example.

- Jonathan Chu.

- Jonathan Chu, he's our class president.

- He is really, really smart.

- Really smart [chuckling]

- He's just a superhuman.

- Well J-Chu is god.

- He's just really smart, really social

like probably like the Renaissance man

at Lowell per se.

[orchestral music]

- Jonathan is among the top five violinists we've ever had

and that's really saying something.

[orchestral music]

- He's the perfect Lowell student, he takes like,

I guess every AP and like aces everything.

- A 4.7 GPA.

- He once got a zero on his bio test on purpose

because that he can still do that and get an A

to lower the curve.

- Johnathan got 100, I'm not surprised,

I'll have to make it harder next time.

- I think there was little doubt

that he was destined for greatness.

[orchestral music]

I guess I came into Lowell thinking

that I would go to Lowell,

breeze through it, go to Stanford

like do really well at Stanford, go to med school

and then become a doctor like typical Asian path right?

But when I would get like barely passing

there would always be someone that gets like 120%

and that's when I sort of realized, oh geez.

I'm really not even close to the best of the best.

[indistinct chattering]

- I see you're at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15,

16, 17, 18, almost 20 schools.

So for now I'd say getting it down to about 12--

- 12, all right-- - If you can.

- So do like colleges like expect like a longer resume,

shorter resume?

- No, it's more about what you're doing

and what your experience has been.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's not like a competition on length.

- Like in terms of what colleges look for, tough classes,

high standardized test scores,

awards and extracurriculars, you name it.

There's pretty much some guy

that's doing it better than I am.

- Personal statements, the resume,

your letters of recommendation, GPA and test scores.

- The odds are against me, and I know that.

I know that I have to like up the ante,

like for like the supplementals

like are colleges looking for anything in particular.

I would have to get like a really high score compared

to the school's average in order to get

a lot of merit aide right?

Like do universities give you any extra points

for early decision?

- It definitely is gonna be a more select group.

[paper rustling] [upbeat music]

- Is it worth it to take the PSAT again?

- PSAT?

- Yeah, trying to be national merit scholar?

- Oh, I've never heard of someone taking it again.

- Yeah, senior year.

Well, if I could, I would probably just to take the SAT

every single week.

- Same. [both chuckling]

- Oh yeah, and about being an Eagle scout,

- Smile.

- Are they're like a lot of scholarships for Eagle scouts?

- Well, I think that's something you'd have to look into.

- Yeah.

- All right, what else?

- I think that's it for today.

[indistinct chattering]

- Okay, guys and gals.

Today, we face the truth.

I will put the bowling ball,

I will touch your nose and I will let it go.

And if you don't flinch,

it means you know that this is the maximum potential energy,

1000 joules.

It cannot go to 1,001.

[laughing]

Okay.

[students laughing]

- Close.

- Okay, Alvan.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Okay, here we go.

Oh....

Lowell student, he didn't flinch, but what did he do?

[indistinct chattering] [students laughing]

Oh.

- When I was in middle school

I thought that everybody who came to Lowell

would be like a genius in some sort of way.

And like, this was the cream of the crop.

But now that I'm here, it's just not really that.

- Come on up Shea, all right, here we go.

- Oh my gosh.

- Whoa!

[students laughing]

Amazingly close.

Sophia, come on up.

All right.

Walk your nose into it, stand...

- I don't really know why it's not as difficult for me

to be here than it is for other people to be here.

- Oh, I saw her hair flinch, but I didn't see her flinch.

[students laughing]

Did anybody see her flinch?

- No.

- How did you do that?

- Maybe it's just that I'm the kind of person

who can handle a lot of things at once.

[tennis racket whacking]

[upbeat music]

I'm the captain of the tennis team.

I'm also co-president of Lowell Build On.

Vice president of Girls Who Code.

I'm the editor of the school newspaper too.

I think I'm the kind of person who enjoys being busy.

That's for you guys, right?

My parents are from mainland China.

College is just a huge goal for a lot of immigrant families.

Everything you do should be to help you

get to the best college you can get to.

[dog barking]

[door shutting]

- What are your plans today?

- I need to do homework, probably on my free block.

- Got it.

- But I have to do journalism on my free block too.

- Here's the deal.

- So much going on--

What I need you to do?

- I know, and that's why I want you to write it all down.

And then also copy me on your calendar,

so I can help you remember,

you have to put the alerts on your calendar.

As I--

- I was in chemistry class as a sophomore

and I had gotten a bad grade in class and I said out loud,

oh man, my mom is gonna be really upset.

The girl across the table

she asked me, "Wait, Rachel, what ethnicity are you?"

And I said, I'm black and white.

And she said, "Well, what ethnicity is your mom?"

And I was like, she's African-American.

And she said, "That's so weird because I didn't expect

for black people to actually care about their grades."

- All right, other than a B in physics,

you have all the As, and I--

- Sorry.

- No, I'm okay.

I'm cool with that.

It's AP Physics in there anyhow.

I'm okay with it.

- Oh, we have the best relationship ever.

We're really good friends.

She's a single mother and I live with her.

We're just the two of us.

- Now, I'm a true believer

in the Lord only helping those that help themselves.

So if you don't put in his spit on your ball.

- Yeah.

- It's gonna be bad.

- Okay.

- I got to get to work.

- Bye.

- Go have a great day.

- You too.

- All right.

- I think one of my scores came back on the PSAT

and I scored in like the top 1% of the nation or something.

And I was like, what?

That's not me.

I don't think I'm that smart.

But my mom's like,"I knew it, I knew it all along."

And now that's like the league of people

that can get into Harvard and Stanford.

So you should try.

- [indistinct chattering]

- All right, so,

the theme of our presentation this afternoon

is where should you apply?

There is a lot of herd mentality.

There's a lot, you know,

people just applying to the same schools, and okay, yes.

You know, we all know what the Ivy League schools are,

and there is a certain attraction to applying to them

but I'm not even referring to them.

Let's talk about the defaults.

Namely, the UC System.

We all have a perceptual pecking order of the UCs.

But the thing to remember is you are not too good

for Santa Cruz or Riverside or even Merced, okay?

UC is UC.

I've become a voice to tell kids look away from Stanford.

You're not getting in.

Let's try this.

You know, you look at you know, the Ivy League schools

and even if you are a student who should be accepted

at a school like this, you may not get in any way.

And that in many cases has to do

with a little thing called ethnicity.

[students laughing]

Um, anyway, so--

[indistinct chattering]

[paper rustling] [indistinct chatter]

- [Alvan] God damn!

[indistinct chattering]

Yes.

- Are you sure?

- I'm so screwed dude.

Look at my test... oh, my God.

- Are you sure?

I haven't had a chance to go over it with you.

- I did root instead of squares, and then I--

So stupid...

- I'll have to go through that--

Stupid, okay all right.

Shea, Shea.

You got a 92.

[both chuckling]

[indistinct chattering]

Teach me your ways, please.

- Take the textbook,

do all the problems in the textbook and check your work.

and then stay up till three in the morning,

trying to finish my other homework.

- Oh yeah.

- If we looked at the blue particles as being

in pure rotation, could be different masses,

or it doesn't matter.

Each is a different distance R from the axis of rotation,

and we added up all of--

- I was really depressed in middle school--

- I'm not a suburb kid, I'm not meant to be in a house

with a white picket fence with a bunch of, you know,

rich, spoiled trust fund white kids.

There's just something about the personality

of a person who doesn't care and will still succeed.

It just, it rubs me the wrong way.

So, I mean, going to a school

with a bunch of like Asian kids is just like

going to a school with a bunch of people who care.

It's like a school of other Asian me's.

The career path that I want to pursue,

I think that climate change is like

just entire social dynamic that is the world right now

is going to change in my lifetime.

So I want to be in a position where I feel like I'm helping.

So I'm trying to pursue alternative energies,

and I also need to go like one of the top 20 colleges

'cause otherwise I'm not gonna

be doing anything significant.

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music]

- I'm going to the Stanford college presentation.

I'm actually applying early for Stanford.

What I've heard about Lowell students getting into Stanford

is that there's a smaller chance?

- Like what's special about Stanford's

like pre-med pathway?

- Okay, so, we don't have a pre-med major?

- Oh yeah, I've heard that Stanford doesn't like Lowell.

- They don't accept a lot of people from Lowell.

- I guess it's because they just think

that we're like stereotypically Asian.

- Apparently we're like robots here.

- 'Cause they think we're AP machines.

- AP machines.

- AP guzzling, grade grubbers.

- Maybe he doesn't have like personalities that we want.

- But you did not even have to major

in the biological sciences or chemistry

or anything like that, you could major in English and still--

- I was at the presentations, according to my memory

the Stanford admission officer addressed the faculty

and implied that Stanford viewed of Lowell students

as just a bunch of machines that accumulated massive amounts

of course material and was able to spit it back on exams

and they wanted a different kind of student.

[upbeat music]

- Last year someone asked why is it

that such an oddly small percentage

of Lowell kids get into Stanford?

And then someone else raises their hand

and said, "Is it 'cause we're all Asian?"

To which the Stanford guy said, "Raise your hand

if you would like everyone at your school to be the same."

[footsteps pattering] [students cheering]

There was silence.

No one raises their hands.

[indistinct chatter]

- And, I don't know if, you know, how that plays

into racial profiling in terms of smart Asian kids

that do really, really well

and then are put down for it.

[indistinct chattering]

- Good morning, Lowell high school.

It's a beautiful day up here

in the fourth floor swimming pool.

And we got some great announcements for you today

but first please rise for the pledge of allegiance.

- So like right now the senior class

is stressing over a college apps.

Right now is the time to get all the recs,

like write all the essays and like finalize your list.

[keyboard clicking]

- There's so many qualified applicants nowadays.

- That's why you got to diversify,

and apply like 20 schools just to like throw

your ballot around on, see who picks it up.

[students cheering]

[cheerleaders chanting]

- Every kid needs to be able to understand

and explain the same things about themselves

when they hit the college process.

Who are you?

What interests you?

What have you thought about doing?

It's not all about GPA's and SAT scores.

There's no formula for success anymore.

And what matters is that each child visualizes

and actualizes their own life.

[upbeat music]

- How was it taking the step further?

- By bringing it out of the open.

We need to learn about cultural sensitivity, its obvious--

- Journalism originally,

my mom actually signed me up for the class.

I found I actually do like writing stories

and reporting and talking to people.

[indistinct chatter]

The ability to just come up with ideas,

for stories and then present them

and actually get them published is really cool to me.

No, all right, this is too much.

[paper rustling]

The editors and I wanted to do something

that would show the struggle between choosing what side

of my racial identity that I actually identify with.

This lighter skinned hand is supposed to represent

my Caucasian side, and this darker skin hand

is supposed to represent my African-American side.

My mom, she goes by the rule

that if you're even one 16th African-American

you are a 100%, and then like,

that's what I should put on my transcript.

It goes totally against that story

I wrote about how I am African-American and Caucasian.

So I do feel uncomfortable putting it down

but if it's something that can help me

then I feel like I should take that and use it

to my advantage, which is horrible

now that I say it out loud.

[indistinct chattering]

- Well, good afternoon Lowell.

- Good afternoon!

- Oh, hey, that's great.

So my name is Quinton McArthur.

I'm a admissions officer at MIT,

the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

So it's always a good idea to be nice to me

and laugh at my jokes, that's right.

[laughing]

Somebody's getting in from Lowell.

[laughing]

- MIT is not one of my top choices.

Yeah, I don't think it really fits me.

- But we saw your mom there and dad.

Did you know they're going to go?

- They don't tell me these things.

Like they go, they only tell me after they go.

- We do have multiple choices, that's all right too.

- My parents are first-generation immigrants.

And my mom's kind of like the steering wheel.

For me I can say, Oh, grades don't matter, right?

Don't like define you as a person.

[audience applauding]

But my mom studied really hard in Taiwan.

So, she thinks that grades are actually pretty important.

[students clapping]

And she has to like push me.

[indistinct chattering]

She's actually told me,

it's like I have like a little box around me, right?

As I grow older, the box will expand, right?

Until finally there's like no more box anymore, right?

And I'll be able to do my own things,

I'll be able to be responsible.

But for now, I'm still in a little box

and she has to like, look over me.

- Mom, wait.

Okay, now I'm getting all stressed out.

[upbeat music]

ACT Tests, SAT before March, 2016.

Can you check them off and I'll work

on the activities at edits now?

How many of we taken?

I put in that score, I finished SAT.

This is for the normal SAT.

Are you sure we have enough time to finish by tonight?

When she says, "What if you could get into Stanford?"

She's saying I'm not expecting you to, but what if.

But I still can't help,

but feel like I want to meet her expectations.

'Cause you know, I just wanna make her proud.

Isn't it okay?

Well, how we have it is okay, right?

I wanna do something for her to make her happy

but the pressure is kind of insurmountable at times.

It makes me feel not the best.

- Next semester like--

- It was really intense.

My mom wanted me to finish on Saturday night

because she knew that I had to do homework on Sunday.

By like 12 o'clock.

I was already like, you know what, screw it.

I wanna go to sleep.

But no, like we kept working until like three o'clock.

It was crazy, yeah.

I do feel a little bit of relief knowing

that I successfully like finished it.

But you know, I still prefer a UC.

I feel like there's a much higher chance

of the UC accepting me for like my grades

and that kind of stuff.

- He has very high goals but I think for him,

it's very realistic goals.

One of those schools would be Stanford.

The top tier UCs: UC Berkeley, UCLA.

I told him to apply to Brown.

I think it would be a really great school for him.

The kids at Brown are unique.

[hip hop music]

- All right everyone.

So we're going to go ahead and get started.

How can women be pregnant and not show any symptoms?

What age does your penis stop growing?

[chuckling]

Do women ejaculate every time they climax like men do?

- Like 25%.

- You're very close.

Okay, it's about 10.

- Wait, wait.

[indistinct chattering]

- That's like a 10% difference.

- That's like a difference between A and B.

- That's what I was gonna say.

[laughing]

- How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

What do you think?

You need to feel ready?

- Yeah, you yourself like feel confident that you want it--

- You feel confident?

- Yes. - Okay.

- After your parents say, okay.

[laughing]

- So I hear that there is a dance this Friday,

are you gonna go to it?

- Wait, there's a dance?

[hip hop music]

♪ Stop with the chase, baby boy you catching case ♪

♪ Dropping everyday like am in a real race ♪

♪ Cops better wait, got that game on my lane ♪

- It's kind of interesting to see everyone

that I'm so used to gonna school with, like in costume.

and having fun.

I don't know. It's nice.

- That's a nasty woman right there.

- I love Asians, Asians love me.

Its been fantastic, they're fantastic.

♪ Hands up, and suddenly we all got our hands up ♪

♪ No control of my body

♪ Ain't I seen you before?

♪ I think I remember those eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes ♪

♪ Eyes, eyes, eyes

♪ 'Cause baby tonight,

♪ DJ got us fallin' in love again ♪

- I wanted to get like people to start dancing,

'cause usually like there's like

an activation energy, right?

For all your chemical reaction.

Like I was basically like an enzyme, like the catalyze

like the reactions to speed it up.

And then, you know.

♪ Ooh, jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, ♪

♪ They gave me my own collection, ooh. ♪

I am Brian Emmanuel.

He's like a Chinese rapper.

He's got like shorts, right?

Usually his shorts are supposed to like go like up to here.

But mine are just a little bit down

'cause my mom didn't want me to like trip

and like, I don't... My mom just wants me

to protect my knees from the cold or something.

So that's why it's over my knees.

[hip hop music]

♪ It's going down for real

If my family didn't really push me that much,

I would be a different person.

Without pressure then we're just like,

"Oh, we'll just sit at home

and like play video games or watch TV

or like hang out with friends, right?"

I do like pressure, but I don't like too much pressure.

He's just doing all of it.

[indistinct chattering] [soft upbeat music]

- So I'm like the opposite of a tiger mom.

I actually wanted my son to go to a neighborhood school.

Just so that he would have a more balanced in his life.

[upbeat music]

I remember having to work very hard when I was at Lowell.

I didn't want him to have to work that hard,

but I mean I feel like I was a bad parent

after Ian told me that he didn't have enough APs

to be considered for, you know, certain colleges.

I felt really bad.

[indistinct chattering]

We were panicking a little bit, I guess.

And a friend had recommended a college advising counselor

and we engaged her, I guess in late October.

So we were actually really late starting with that process.

- I think the biggest role that she's played

is that she helped me turn around

and see doors that were open.

[indistinct chatter]

- Part of the reason why we didn't want him

to take so many AP classes was 'cause we wanted him to learn

a little bit more about what he wanted to do.

So, he started writing his satirical blog.

I mean, that's kind of a crazy thing, right?

I mean, I guess maybe I don't have a sense of humor.

I was like really? [laughing]

But, you know, whatever makes him happy and inspires him.

And so, I would say to parents to really have your kids

do things that help them to think creatively

that they're not just a statistic.

They're not a test score.

- The satire piece is like supposed to mimic

[indistinct chattering] [gentle upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- So I wanna talk about three things today

then you take a little break

and then jumped back into your lab.

And the third thing I have to tell you,

you may or may not have heard is very sad for me

because I need to let you know,

that I have liver cancer and that five tumors have appeared

and I just found out about it,

and I'm going to need to have that dealt with.

And I am active on the liver transplant list.

The only way to get rid of liver cancer

is to get rid of the liver.

I am very, very sad and disappointed

to leave you guys midstream.

I really want to let you know that I feel

I'm the luckiest person in the world

having taught at Lowell.

I got, I think the most wonderful students.

I got what I think was really got love and appreciation

on a regular, if not daily basis, I actually feel loved.

And I really wanna thank you for that.

Okay guys,

it looked like you were having a good time

doing the lab yesterday.

Sorry to bum you out,

but see if you can get back into that today.

Okay, let's go.

[sobbing]

[rain pattering]

- Knowing Mr. Shapiro at such a personal level

it's like you know, I don't know,

I'll have difficulties doing like doing all my other stuff.

Like probably these few months, you know.

Homework, test, grades,

like they don't really matter anymore

if like you don't have like a firm emotional connection.

[rain pattering]

[indistinct chatter]

- I just got evicted from my house.

My dad did some shit, which the landlord did not appreciate.

So we got kicked out.

[indistinct chatter]

Drugs, just drugs you know, nothing good.

It was... My mom lives in Sausalito

and it wouldn't be legal for me to go to this school

if I didn't live in San Francisco.

So, I need to be here to attend here.

But it's totally worth it.

Like this school compared to like anything else

is totally worth dealing with him.

[sighing]

[door creaking]

[door shutting]

- Today, it's the first day of finals, the dreaded finals.

[dramatic upbeat music]

- All right, does anybody not have

a test sketch out in front of them Hannah?

As always read questions carefully.

Tell a story 'cause it's about storytelling.

- Today is the deadline for UC apps and CSU apps.

So lots of apprehension, anxiety.

[keyboard clicking]

- The essays are probably one of the most important things

next to grades and transcripts.

It's like how well you're able to articulate yourself,

how well you're able to package yourself for the university.

- So I have roughly seven supplemental essays,

the common app essay, the UC essay.

- I'm probably gonna have to in the end

like write about 20 essays.

It's just really hard to talk about yourself.

- I don't know whether or not I should

like be humble or like say good things

or say one good thing and a bad thing.

- If you ask a lot of Asians,

a lot of them have a really like a more humble outlook.

Like they don't wanna show too much about themselves.

That's just how a lot of Chinese people

or other Asian people, are like brought up.

- You have to sell yourself 100%.

So even if you're not convinced that you're the best,

you have to convince other people you're the best.

- My mom, she really thinks that I have a big chance

of getting into Stanford.

She's like,

"Well, we're gonna get our acceptance on December 15th."

When I'm like, no, we're going to get mail

from Stanford on December 15.

[indistinct chattering] [door closing]

[door creaking]

[paper rustling]

- All right, pencil down.

[indistinct chattering]

- I don't have a 4.0 GPA, I have a 3.9 cumulative.

And, I didn't get a 1600 on the SAT, I only got a 1500,

and that's significantly lower

than the average of what gets accepted

in the high level schools like that.

The kids who are going to higher level colleges are...

They're the big players of the world, you know?

If I don't go to one of those big colleges,

I will not be able to do what I wanna do.

And at least looking at my resume,

I don't have what it takes.

[indistinct chattering]

- Okay, quick check on myself to make sure

I have 35 copies before I start passing it out.

- Don't worry.

Jonathan you got into Harvard?

Jonathan Chu I'm not surprised.

- The God.

- He got into Harvard.

- Oh, he did?

- Yeah, early action. It's pretty sick.

- Are you guys surprised that he got in?

- No!

- You guys are talking too much

for being in the possession of it exam, okay?

[paper rustling]

- It's a hard college to get into, so I wasn't really upset.

It's not like I was like hoping and wishing and thinking

that I was for certain going to get in.

My mom's seemed, she tried to pretend like she was okay

but I could tell she was kind of disappointed.

- I'm, okay.

I didn't really expect much that kind of just like told me,

I guess that I'd be going to the East coast for college,

which was my like original plan.

- What was your mom's reaction

when she found out that you got rejected?

- Oh, she's the one who told me,

like I didn't even look at my email.

She was the one who told me.

- Wait, she checked it for you?

- Yeah.

[upbeat jazz music]

- We didn't exchange gifts..

[laughing]

Because they buy the things all the time so.

- So you don't get a present from your mom?

[laughing]

- Yeah, I haven't really been doing

anything besides like apps.

I think that my number of colleges

that I've applied to is like enough.

And then my mom's like,

"Okay once you finish this, then you're done, right?

You don't have to do anything else."

Then right after I finished it,

she wants me to do like five more.

And it's like that's the same for every single it's like,

I don't even, I'm just so done with this.

- Even though he's a teenager

he listened to parents' advice pretty well.

And sometimes a few times maybe he was kind of disagree

but he still will try to accommodate parents advice.

- She looks through stuff and she gives me ideas.

My dad is like the physical help, he'll like drive.

[laughing]

- Yeah, and sometimes we try to translate

the question to my husband,

even though he didn't get a high school diploma,

but he's smart.

Yeah, he says, "Just don't say that."

- You should put that on your college application.

- No, no.

- You know that?

'Cause that would actually help your chances.

- No, 'cause I don't want, you know, people to like think

lowly of my dad or anything.

So, yeah.

- Okay, because of that.

- Yeah.

- Think low.

[indistinct chatter]

[piano music]

[chair screeching]

[rain pattering]

[indistinct chatter]

- All right, welcome back.

I am Mr. Cooley, if you haven't seen me,

Mr. Shapiro has given me control over your fates.

- I have finished my college applications

and I have sent everything in.

- I am finishing my 20th school.

[chuckling]

My Saturday is almost gone.

- I have applied to 11, that's including Stanford.

I have the two UCs so that's Berkeley and LA and then Yale,

Princeton, Harvard, Brown, Duke, Colombia, Penn

and Washington University, was that 11?

Yeah, I think that's 11.

[gentle upbeat music]

- My worst fear would have a student apply

to 10 very prestigious schools and not get into any of them

and not have a backup plan.

- How's anybody break?

Anything interesting?

Physics moments?

There must've been some physics moments.

- [Lady] Stanford was a huge disappointment, I got that.

But, now we know that's not the direction we're going on in,

and we're gonna go on a totally entirely

different direction.

Because if you went to Stanford,

you right down the street from me.

- Yeah, exactly.

- You'll be in my face every weekend.

[lady laughing]

- Well then.

- I'm not, you know I love you.

I mean, even Berkeley is not gonna work for me.

That's a Bart ride away.

- Why do you want me to be far away?

I feel like you're kicking me out.

- Because I think you... Here's the deal,

I think that you grow up more when you're away,

I would like for you to take your own space,

and make your own way.

[sighing]

[indistinct chattering]

- Now the waiting begins.

- Now we don't get to wait, we have to wait.

- Give me a hug.

It's really good to see you, oh.

- Are you doing okay?

- I'm doing okay, you know,

just there's a lot of you know emotional difficulties,

waiting...it's you know, it's the last nine days I think.

I was backed up on two livers.

So I would need one pretty soon.

- Yeah.

- That's the scary and it really could happen.

So, be positive, send positive prayers

and vibes my way, you'll do that?

- Yeah. [chuckling]

- So, any fun happening at school?

- It's nerve wracking. [paper rustling]

- Did you apply to all these?

Oh my God.

Boston, Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Emory, Fordham,

Harvard, Johns Hopkins, Northeastern, Stanford Tulane.

- My parents really like Berkeley

but the location is so close to home.

It's like, my parents can like, come visit me

like every, like two days or something.

Like I don't... you know. They're gonna like tell me

to go home on the weekends

or something like, I don't want that.

I told her, like, I wanna go a bit further.

I feel like, I really like LA.

So, I would put that like first.

I'm a show them that you know,

I don't need East Coast, first ranked schools.

[footsteps approaching]

[keypad clicking]

- Is that Sophia Wu?

[indistinct chattering]

- I hate answering the like

why do you wanna go to the school?

- Yeah.

- I don't know. [chuckling]

Especially when you like haven't like gone to the school?

- Did you get like a question like that, just outright?

- So, for all my other interviews?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I also got that from my MIT interview,

they're like, "oh yeah, why do you want to go?"

I'm like...[sighing]

- Yeah, those are the worst questions.

Oh my God, the Lowell crew is here, eight o'clock.

[students laughing]

Plot twist, they interview us all together.

[chuckling]

- My mom, she keeps Boston weather on her phone

to check in and see the weather in Boston.

And she's like, "Oh, it's snowing.

If you were in Harvard, you'd have to wear a big coat."

[chuckling]

She tries to give me little practice interviews,

but I think it makes me more nervous

because once I say like an answer

that I think would be okay she'd be like,

"Oh no, no, don't say that that's wrong, no."

And then I'm like, "Oh."

[indistinct chattering]

Rachael!

- I wanted to apply for all the Ivy's.

That's kind of a awesome thing to have as much

to me like a union ticket.

Once you graduate from an Ivy league school

you basically can work where you want to.

So, I would like to have for her

to have that level of security.

It's very important that she's not relying upon

anybody's salary but her own.

We didn't apply for anything that was a bad idea.

I mean, I think if you play it too safe

then you don't take any chances, you don't want rejection.

I think dealing with rejection is a part of growing up.

[water burbling]

- I see my dad once every three or four days.

[garbage rustling]

He's unemployed and he doesn't take any responsibility

for the most part in his life.

[water burbling]

It's my grandma on my dad's side that gives me money

for food and has taken up the responsibility of raising me.

I go shopping for myself, I clean the house,

I do all of that.

Then he's out from 9:00 PM to 6:00 AM every night.

Yeah, that's what he does.

There is something about eating your own food

that makes it better though.

Just there's something to it.

Like you can burn everything

and you can still savor it a bit more if you made it.

We initially thought that the interview

would last about an hour or so, but it went way over time.

So it went from 10 to almost about 12.

He said that you know I'm a pretty good fit for Brown

and you know he'll try to put in a good word for me,

in his evaluation and stuff.

I just had to tell my mom that there is different aspects

of the culture that she's not necessarily familiar with.

Yeah it was really cringy.

And while my mom was talking with the interviewer.

I was just like, Oh my God,

like this is gonna end so badly.

[indistinct chattering]

- All right, here we go.

Shh, this is the scenario you're gonna try

to reframe for yourself.

Pretend you got a rejection letter

to all the colleges you wanna go to.

[students murmuring]

- Oh, you gotta go there?

- I know this is like preemptive,

as in you haven't gotten rejected yet,

but how would you normally interpret the situation?

What does it signal to you?

Oh, the rejection letter equals what?

- Everybody hates you.

- What about potentials of your future?

- You have none.

- You have none.

- Yeah, signs of failure, signs of no future.

What are you gonna do?

There's no hope for you, et cetera, right?

And the prospects of having no future.

- Who needs a Bible here?

[upbeat music]

One, two...

God, we pray for just all of us.

We pray for the seniors during this college

app season, Lord. The letters are coming in.

We asked that no matter what we will know that this

is all according to your plan.

[mouse clicking]

- Do you know like the username and password

for the UC Davis application?

[keyboard clicking]

Okay.

- Oh, hey, guess who got accepted?

Uuui!

Hey, hey, hey. We, we... I got in... wee!

Okay. I'll be out soon, okay, bye.

- It's too early to get excited.

- But it's an acceptance.

- I know, but I've been in touch with Dartmouth today.

It was actually with in touch with the financial aid lady.

She said she just needed some more information.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What'd you just say?

- Well, I'm just saying it may have let the cat off the bag--

- Can you like say word for word what she said?

- She said, "It's no big deal, no big deal."

We just, we're down to our final list.

We're just trying to get all this stuff together

for these kids.

And then I think she kinda let the cat out of the bag

with a comment of that nature.

So I'm feeling really hopeful.

[Rachael chuckling]

[gentle upbeat music]

- I'm gonna see whether or not I got in Johns Hopkins.

Here goes nothing.

God dammit, give me some wifi bro.

Holy sm...

Ey, I didn't get in.

Woo!

It's lit.

- My weekend was quite...

terrible.

- I logged in and then found out,

yeah I got rejected.

Which is...

- [Student] I got rejected. - [Interviewer] Where is that?

- Davis.

- All right.

Another one.

- I didn't get in.

- [Interviewer] Oh, really?

- No, I didn't get in.

- Well, if I didn't get into Davis,

then obviously Berkeley

and LA are probably gonna reject me too now

because those ones are supposed

to be more difficult than Davis

to get into.

[bouncy music]

- Oh, shit.

It's out.

I could log in.

Aight, this is gonna determine my future.

I swear to God dude, if I... come on, man,

come on, come on, dude.

Fuck.

- No?

- No.

Yeah.

- What was their excuse?

- It's always the same.

It's like you were one out of what?

102,000 applicants.

And that they were all overachieving, high...

high achieving but we couldn't accept them all.

So it's like, that's always their excuse.

They don't... There's an option to be wait-listed.

Yeah, I'm gonna tell my mom now.

I'm gonna call her.

[phone ringing]

- Sorry, man.

[phone beeping]

[sighing]

- Mint chocolate chip, right?

I have pretty high expectations for the type of people

who will be at the college that I go to.

A lot of professors at the schools

that are applying to they're really, I don't know,

I guess you would call them prestigious.

Like interesting people who have stories to tell.

- Thank you, have a good day.

- You too.

- All right.

Obviously after you applied to college,

you'll be in a community where all of these people

have gone through the same application process as you,

and they've kind of been weeded out.

[metals clanking]

It hasn't been often that I've been in a situation

where there's less Asian people

than there are like other ethnicities.

And I'm just really looking forward to that.

I'm kind of tired of Chinese people.

Okay, I got wait-listed.

- From where?

- Harvard.

Okay, I got waitlisted.

Yeah, from Columbia.

Okay, I think I'm gonna check Brown right now.

Oh my gosh, another wait list.

I'm checking Penn right now.

Oh, okay, I got rejected.

Yeah, that's okay.

Okay, so I got rejected from Yale.

Okay, so I got rejected from Princeton, okay.

Okay, that's it.

Yeah, I'm relieved now.

[soft music]

Here you go.

I think I was expecting to get into at least one.

I did really, really want to go over to the East coast,

but I guess that's okay.

We'll do another time.

[students cheering]

- Alright, let's kick this rally off.

How you guys doing today?

[students cheering] [students applauding]

What was that?

How you guys doing today?

- So many kids got into Berkeley,

and I'm like, why didn't I get into Berkeley?

- You get used to feeling mediocre.

It's just slowly but surely.

- I was just personally hoping for more.

- It's kind of a hard time right now.

[gentle pensive music]

- What the hell?

Like this is not how high school was supposed to end.

- Three and a half years of killing myself here

and I got in Santa Cruz.

- I just feel like I tried so hard and I'm going to a school

that I didn't even have to try that hard to like get into.

- Are you guys ready?

[students cheering] [students applauding]

Alright you guys need to be more hyped than this.

Are you guys ready?

[students cheering] [students applauding]

[gentle pensive music]

- I just think that I'm not good enough you know.

That's what I think.

[students cheering] [students applauding]

- That's the one issue with the college application process

'cause you can't figure out what went wrong

and what went right?

- I mean you're just so powerless in the situation.

- You know that there are so many people out there

who are like similar to you and like, how did they accept?

Like oh they just flip a coin

and they like throw darts at a board.

- This whole process creates people who are very cynical

about the colleges they ended up going to.

- Go!

[students cheering] [students applauding]

[gentle pensive music]

- I can't go if it's full price because I can't it,

my family cannot afford it.

But I hope if I do get in,

some aid that makes it affordable.

Oh, my gosh.

Hey mom, so, I got into Oxford.

Full tuition for four years.

Wow, I guess that's pretty surprising.

Full tuition.

All right, yeah.

All right, bye.

[sneakers squeaking]

[audience applauding]

I guess I still don't even know why I got into Emory.

[sneakers squeaking]

There's definitely a part of me that says

that I probably shouldn't have.

But I guess that's just like the culture of Lowell

seeping into my brain.

The reason is that there really

is no reason, and that college admissions

is like the only sure thing

is that there's no sure things.

Well, besides Jonathan Chu gained Harvard and Stanford,

like, I'm pretty sure everyone saw that since freshman year

like, come on now.

[violin music]

[audience cheering]

- I know one kid thought that I only got into UCLA

because I was black.

He said that, like, just flat out.

"You probably just got it 'cause you're black."

[violin music]

- She gets a lot of pushback at school.

People convincing her that she got in because she's black

and with a 33 ACT score and a 4.1 GPA,

it put her right in the medium

for every Ivy League school that she applied for.

[audience applauding]

- Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

please welcome our 4.0 students!

[bell dinging]

[audience applauding]

[piano music]

♪ Lift every voice and sing

♪ Ring with the harmonies of Liberty ♪

- I never imagined I would have gotten here.

Four out of the eight Ivys waitlisted me.

Two of them I got into,

I got into Brown University and Cornell University.

My name is Rachel and I go to Lowell High school.

[audience cheering]

Throughout my time at Lowell,

I've really internalized that stereotype

that I get a lot of things because I'm black.

And I think for a while, I tried to like,

not own up to my blackness, you know?

I think I've worked hard and I think I have the right grades

and I've done the right things to get to where I am.

But I don't like the fact that Asian students

who deserve to get in too just as much as I do,

they're not getting in just because of their race.

[indistinct chattering]

[gentle upbeat music]

[footsteps pattering]

- I think colleges want somebody

who really knows what they want to do.

And a lot of people at Lowell don't really know

what their passion is yet.

Including me.

I don't think this far ahead.

[audience cheering]

- I tried to portray myself as less Asian

because Asians are seen as like machines.

But like I work hard [audience applauding]

and I strive to be a nerd.

[applause]

How's that the definition of being Asian?

[audience applauding]

I never took, I didn't take dance like before

but I feel like I should have 'cause I feel like

I'm missing out on a lot of stuff.

- Awww.

- It's pretty cool.

[audience applauding]

[water splashing]

- What time the prom start?

- It starts at eight.

- Wow, that's pretty late.

- Yeah, and it goes until midnight,

- You gonna do a limo?

- My mom got like a room at the hotel where the prom is at.

- OMG.

- Yeah, afterwards I can just go up to my room

and go to sleep.

- Any friends gonna stay with you?

- In the room?

- Yeah, aren't you gonna party with your friends?

So yeah.

[chuckling]

So my mommy gonna stay?

- Yeah.

- Okay, just say me and mommy.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yes, what's up.

Okay, how's it going?

- Well, yesterday morning,

my mom woke me up and she was like,

"Well, you need to choose your college today.

We're not leaving the house until you do it."

Initially, I wanted to go to Brown.

Just a lot of people strong in literature came out of Brown

and I like creative writing

but she kept pushing for Cornell.

And I thought to please her,

I would go to Cornell and she'd be happier.

- I'm not happy because I wasn't successful, hmm.

- Hmm, you got one more.

- Alrighty.

- I want to... It's like balancing between what I want

and what I think my mom will be most happy with.

And I feel like that's the problem

for a lot of people at Lowell.

[doorbell dinging]

[footsteps pattering]

- Alvan, awesome.

- Oh, gosh thank you.

- Yeah.

[chuckling]

Right next to my heart.

Oh, right next to my new liver.

[chuckling]

And then right next to my heart.

Thank you.

That's awesome.

- I got off the Berkeley wait list.

- So, so you got into Berkeley?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that could cause a little bit of contemplation

shall we say?

- You right.

It's so nice to see you and thank you.

- Short question from me, as the mother, of course,

like a San Diego offering like a neuroscience,

which is his major that he really like to do

in the future, but San Diego only have like a 55%

four year graduation rate.

- The question is not which school is better

which school is better for Alvin.

The best place for him

is where he feels the most comfortable.

And since I know there's many research opportunities

at San Diego, he'll be better off then going to...

Harvard, Stanford, Berkeley, any place.

- Thank you, thank you.

So we are leaving,

'cause I think we spend you too much time

and you have to take rest.

- Okay, that's great, I got energized by Alvan

that's what he does and thank you very much.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you, good luck, good luck.

- Good luck Mr. Shapiro.

- God bless you, thank you.

[footsteps pattering]

- I'm 18.

This is my college experience,

shouldn't I be making the decision right?

But my mom just doesn't think so.

And she wants to keep me in like a little,

in like a little box or something.

Bye Mr. Shapiro.

- Goodbye Alvan.

- Good bye.

- Bye Mr. Shapiro.

[door shuts]

[gentle piano music]

- A lot of people have told me,

high school is like gonna be like the best time

of your life.

[gentle piano music]

- My best times in this school were getting

like decent test scores, getting decent GPA's,

finishing assignments on time.

Honestly, like there hasn't been anything that has been like

whoa, I'm gonna remember that when am like 80,

and have Alzheimer's or something.

[gentle piano music]

A lot of kids here, they feel like their self worth

is really measured in which university they go to.

And once they can't get in, they get all sad.

They can't define themselves in the way that they want to.

And it's crushing to see.

[gentle piano music]

Ah, shoot.

[gentle piano music]

[footsteps]

- I have a year and a half more before I go into college.

The more I've looked around, you know,

I think I don't need to be in a top 20 school

to make a difference.

I think I can make whatever school I'm at my own.

And I think that's what's important.

And you know, I think that might come off as me

like settling for less or something

or like changing my perspective to avoid like the hurt

but I really do think that my perspective

on that has changed in the sense that I really do think

that I could make a school my own and make it meaningful.

[footsteps pattering]

[indistinct chattering]

[orchestral music]

[audience cheering]

- Oh my goodness, come on Ian.

[audience applauding]

[gentle music]

- Rachael Schmidt.

[audience cheering]

Sophia Wu.

[audience cheering]

Alvan Cai.

[audience cheering]

- Like, you have to be successful in high school,

you have to be successful in college,

you have to get a good job that pays a lot of money.

Like I feel like it leaves

like a really important thing out.

And I think that's happiness.

- Ian Wang.

- Woo! Ian!

- I packed my suitcase a few days ago.

I'm like super happy.

It honestly can't get any better, you know.

And I guess like another really weird fact

is that I was able to do it

and not really have a tiger mom and stuff.

I guess I'm very fortunate

in that my mom really cares about me

and she lets me do what I want to do.

[gentle piano music]

- I'm really excited for him

because this is like such a nice opportunity

that he can leave school and just live out his dream

and not be weighed down by anything, Chinese style.

That's all.

No debt. [chuckling]

[indistinct chattering]

- Undergrads, down the hill.

- A couple of days before we got here,

I was still a bit unsure.

I don't know if this is gonna make my mom happy.

I don't know if this is like the one that she really wanted.

- Welcome to Brown, 2021!

[people applauding]

But I'm excited about Brown because it's what I chose,

and being happy about it makes me feel

like I'd made the right choice.

Thank you.

[gentle piano music]

- It's beautiful.

I love this bear.

We used to have this thing where,

because of the divorce I would cry a lot in K through eight

and so she would tell me,

"You need to stop that you need to hide your emotions

a bit more or at least not like show them outwardly."

See, my eyes are watering.

- So what's next for you?

- Uh, I live life.

[laughing]

I don't know how to answer that.

- How does it feel?

It feels great, but how does it feel?

It feels awful.

So, I'm serious.

It's just, I'm happy that she has the opportunity

but I'm sad that, she's gone.

- You gotta text me when you land, okay?

- Text you every step of the way, okay.

- Oh my gosh, you're crying.

- I am not.

- Yes you are, it's okay, it's okay to cry.

- I'm gonna miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you too mama.

Be strong because that is what we do.

- That's what we do. [sobbing]

It's what we do, girl, okay, all righty.

- Bye mama, have a safe flight, okay?

[door shuts]

- Checking in?

- Yeah.

- Two o'clock. - Who's the student?

- Here. [chuckling]

- Hello?

And what's your name?

- A-L-V-A-N.

- Last is C-A-I.

- You are in building eight.

- Thank you, thank you.

- What's your name?

- Alvan.

- Last name C-A-I.

- Alvan, okay, I see you.

So you're in eight D 26B.

- Alvan.

[sighing]

I think this is my building.

[chuckling]

- Hello.

- What's up bruh?

I live in SF.

So it's like hella close, yeah.

Half an hour away.

- San Francisco.

- I do value, you know what my parents have done for me.

I'm actually really grateful,

but you know I have to be an adult now.

I don't know, it's kind of like humbling.

Which closet?

- I took that one.

- And I think there's...

- Yeah all right. We good, we good.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Bye bye, I love you.

Bye bye.

Bye bye, we'll see each other.

- Nice meeting with you.

- And then we'll bring you to San Francisco to have

good dinner or lunch. Bye bye.

- Bye, thank you Casper.

Nice to talk with you.

I told him that we can meet each other as often as he wants.

[laughing]

[gentle upbeat music]

[car engine roaring]

[footsteps approaching]

- With the exception of the occasional anxiety attack.

Today's been okay.

[mouse clicking]

Oh my God!

What the fuck!

No way, no, no, no, no, no.

Are you, Oh my God, no, no, no, no, no, no way!

No way!

Oh my God!

I got in!

Yes!

Who do I even call?

Who do I call first?

Who do I call?

[upbeat music]

♪ When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful ♪

♪ A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical ♪

♪ And all the birds in the trees, ♪

♪ Well they'd be singing so happily ♪

♪ Oh joyfully, playfully watching me ♪

♪ But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible ♪

♪ Logical, oh responsible, practical ♪

♪ And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable ♪

♪ Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical ♪

♪ There are times when all the world's asleep ♪

♪ The questions run too deep

♪ For such a simple man

♪ Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned ♪

♪ I know it sounds absurd

♪ Please tell me who I am

♪ I said, watch what you say

♪ Or they'll be calling you a radical ♪

♪ Liberal, oh fanatical, criminal ♪

♪ Won't you sign up your name,

♪ We'd like to feel you're acceptable ♪

♪ Respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable ♪

♪ Mmm, take it take it yeah

♪ [sax solo]

♪ But at night, when all the world's asleep ♪

♪ The questions run so deep

♪ For such a simple man

♪ Won't you please tell me what we've learned ♪

♪ I know it sounds absurd

♪ Please tell me who I am, who I am, ♪

♪ Who I am, who I am