Original subtitles

Look up there ♪

What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff ♪

- Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

Catch some fish ♪

Or gaze at a bear ♪

Wow ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

From longest night to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Dad, did you remember to ask the boat mechanic

if we could add armored plating

in case a vengeful Triton rises from the deep?

Oh, and did you ask him if we can add

- a photo booth to the boat? - Yeah, with fun props,

like a little top hat and a giant mustache on a stick.

No, I forgot to ask them about those things.

And, also, I don't want to.

All right. Looks like the water pump broke.

Should be about a week to fix.

- I'll call you when it's ready. - A week?

I haven't been off the water that long

since I was accidentally stabbed at Vera's birthday party.

That woman does not like surprises. Or me.

A week off the boat is gonna be hard for you, Dad.

Ooh, you could take up a hobby.

What about a mime workshop?

I think you'll find, once you start miming, it really...

pulls you in.

Hey there, Beef. Couldn't help overhearing.

I've got the ears of a gazelle.

I hear my neighbor Daxon's pleasure moans

every time he eats.

I'll have what he's having.

Since your boat's gonna be out of service,

I'd love to have you aboard my boat for the week.

I could use the help.

No. I mean,

that's a kind offer,

but I have a lot of little things

I've been meaning to do at home.

The mitten bin is a disgrace,

and I need to reorganize the cereals.

I saw a Cap'n Crunch in with the Cheerios

and it gave me a cold chill.

Well, if you change your mind, just give me a holler.

Or even a loud whisper.

I'll hear you either way.

JUDY: Hey, Dad, why didn't you take Londra

up on her offer? I know your life, your lover,

your lady is the sea.

Yeah, remember when we went to Anchorage

and you were medically diagnosed with land sickness?

In my opinion, a captain shouldn't work aboard

another captain's ship.

Putting two captains on one boat

is like putting two cobras in one sack--

they might kill each other

and they'll definitely ruin the sack.

No. Not the sack.

Dad, couldn't you let go of your captain-ness for one day?

I wish I could, Judy,

but I once worked a day aboard my friend Gordon's boat.

His captaining style was an absolute nightmare.

He left a bucket on the deck and I stumbled on it.

Then I called him "slightly reckless"

and he called me "overly worried."

- Whoa. - I wouldn't want to get into

a vicious exchange of words like that with Londra.

If I need to feel the motion of the sea,

I can try standing on Ham's beanbag chair.

Oh, yeah. And I could throw a glass of salt water in your face

and make dolphin noises, if that would help.

Thank you, Ham. I believe it would.

WOLF: Ooh, this one is from

Jeremy Piven's Piven on the Edge line.

- What do you think? - I like it.

I want to try a new look,

but I'm just not sure I can pull it off.

The guy who wears this hat is a total maverick.

He's the guy that leans against the wall in group photos

and tells Brenda to hold his calls.

You can be that guy, babe.

Tell me to hold your calls.

- Calls my hold! - You'll get there.

(gasps) Honeybee, this is not a drill.

We got a five-alarm smoke show burning up my retinas.

HONEYBEE: My God,

that's enough handsome for five men.

He's an Elite. No, an Elite Plus.

No, he's a Star Elite.

Are you sure, Wolf?

We've never ranked a Star Elite in person before.

I mean, what's a guy like this even doing in Lone Moose?

Probably filming a movie called Hunk City: The Mayor's a Hunk.

You know what, I am gonna buy a hat.

But the one that touched his head.

Maybe hotness is contagious.

The science isn't settled on that yet.

You get the hat and snap a pic real quick,

and then we need to enter this guy into the system.

I'm gonna delete some of our wedding photos

to make sure we have enough storage.

Whatever you have to do. Just get the shot.

All right. Time to do some land jobs.

♪ ♪

FEMALE VOICE: Hey, sailor. Where you been?

It's me, the ocean. Come back, Beef.

I wish I could, but my boat is broken.

You can ride on a dolphin and marry a mermaid.

Which mermaid?

Joan Wetzel.

I'm gonna snap out of this

and go sand that splinter in the door frame.

No!

So, Dad, how was your day off?

- Good. I was just... - (laughs)

Amazing. Breaking news on our end:

there's a big-time hottie on the loose in Lone Moose.

He's the first non-celebrity to qualify

for our handsome man ranking system.

So, how does your handsome man ranking system work again?

It's pretty intuitive. But okay.

Star Elite is the best.

It's reserved for men whose handsomeness knows no bounds.

Uh, prime Paul Newman, Clooney,

Idris Elba, Chris Pine, Daniel Dae Kim.

The top of the tops.

Below that, Elite Plus and then Elite.

They get the ranking based on raw animal looks

as well as their performance in subcategories,

like Adonis Points.

That's when their face is helped out by a great bod.

You've also got Brooding Beauties.

HONEYBEE: Preppy Giuseppes, Space Studs,

Dead But Doing It For Me.

Sorry, this is all pretty obvious.

Don't mean to overexplain.

That would not be possible.

Oh, could you rank the male model who does all the print ads

for Cool Cuts in Ketchikan?

Ham, come on.

I would ask that you please take this process seriously.

- I think he's cute. - Cute?

Cute doesn't even get you in the conversation.

Is Ronald a good-looking guy? Sure.

Is he a Keanu? A Brad?

A Momoa? No-noa.

Mmm, Momoa's all Adonis points.

Judy gets it.

What about that nice young man, Oscar Isaac?

I'm glad you asked. He's a rare find.

And, quite frankly, he is the future.

He's a gorgeous man whose looks let us know

what is possible at the upper levels.

And he reminds me of our mystery head-turner.

Ugh, I wish we could've seen him.

Well, I may have snapped a quick photo!

Uh, boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing.

He is the hottest guy to ever set foot in Lone Moose.

(whispers): What are you doing here?

BEEF: Well,

Rolf and Pietr,

you're my last jobs.

Uh, yeah.

Back in the pretzel business, Rolf.

And now you won't be cold, Pietr.

(German accent): "You have my thanks, Beef.

Pretzels, they are my life. But..."

(sighs deeply)

(high-pitched, accented): "He's doing the deep sigh

because he misses the ocean."

(regular accent): I can understand that.

(German accent): "It is true.

"I was once a great captain,

with command of my own ship."

"And I was training to be a captain

before I got stuck in this beer stein."

"If I had a ship, we could voyage across

"the living room's carpet to find a new home

on Fireplace Island."

"Und visit the nudie beach."

"Pietr." "What? I just want to take one little look."

"Well, we don't have a boat, so it doesn't matter."

"If only we did."

(regular accent): Well, I don't know anyone who could make you a boat,

and I myself am a grown man who doesn't play with toys.

So good luck and Godspeed.

Okay, fine. I made you guys a little boat,

but I'm not gonna stay here and play with it, so...

Rolf, I am so excited for our journey to Fireplace Island.

And you will make an excellent captain.

Let us celebrate with a drink of the beer from my stein.

I've been wondering about the bathroom situation

with the stein.

Oh, ja, I pee in here.

I can barely taste it, my friend.

Anchors aweigh.

(giggles)

(giggles)

I'm so glad that we are doing this together

and that you never became a captain.

Me, too. Otherwise I would also want to be captain

und then I would not be able to be your first mate.

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!

Are you fellas forgetting your Brunhelga?

Oh, sorry. We did not know you wanted to go.

To Fireplace Island?

Everyone wants to go there.

Oh, ja, see the fireplace poker,

visit the nudie beach.

It's what our popular local song

"I Would Love to Go to Fireplace Island" is all about.

Plus, I just refilled my mustard jar,

so I'm all packed.

Wunderbar!

Do you think you can jump this far?

Ja, I can do it.

I'm the best jumper in my family since Wilhemina died.

From jumping.

Here I come.

"Whee...."

WOLF: I got to return this hat

and face the truth: I'm just

not the kind of guy who can pull off

a style like this. Look!

No. No, no, no, don't look. Play it cool.

Uh, pretend to be asleep.

(whispering): I'm sorry. I'm freaking out.

Oh, my God. It's him.

The Lone Moose mystery hottie.

FEMALE VOICE: Star Elite.

We got to talk to him.

(chuckling awkwardly)

Um... hello?

Hey! I haven't sexy you around before.

- I'm sorry? - Oh, uh, begorgeous.

A-Are you, uh, stunning in town?

(groans, whimpers) Oh, no.

Do you need some help with something?

Oh. Um, okay.

Hi. I'm Wade.

Nice to meet you. I'm Honeybee,

and this is my husband, Wolf.

And I'm Wolf. Uh, uh, what brings you to Lone Moose?

A high-end modeling job?

(chuckles) No. I'm actually here visiting my aunt.

And I wanted to come check out the Lone Moose Mall.

I just really like shops.

And it's always interesting to see a new parking lot.

Yeah, Lone Moose rips so hard, brother.

Hey, Wade, we would be terrible Lone-Moosers

if we didn't offer to buy you

a Welcome to Lone Moose welcome lunch.

Huh?

I love lunch.

I tend to eat it after breakfast.

Not right after, but a few hours after.

Great. And we have a hookup at the Point & Shoot.

We can get you five percent off any family portrait set.

Oh... my... God.

Should we all go get a group photo right now?

- Should we just do it? - Uh, actually,

I still have some shopping to do.

I need to get one dozen pairs of white socks.

But I guess lunch would be okay afterwards.

Yeah, totally. Let's just see where the day takes us.

Okay. I'll, uh, meet you at the food court in two hours?

(chuckles): Not if we meet you first.

I'm sorry, did you want to meet sooner?

Two hours is perfect. See you then.

Not if we see him then first. (laughing)

Brunhelga, I'm so glad you could join us on our journey.

Pietr is my first mate.

You can be my second mate.

What do I do,

spread mustard on the deck?

Dip the ropes in mustard?

Don't worry. I'm here to help you.

I'm the captain.

Ja, we just listen to him

und everything will be fine.

It's a big responsibility to be the captain.

So big, in fact, that I can't express it in words.

I can only express it in...

I hope he says "a sea shanty."

...a sea shanty!

♪ Well, gather around and I'll tell you a tale ♪

♪ Of a man named me who loves to set sail ♪

♪ I enjoy being captain but I don't ever gloat ♪

♪ 'Cause if things go wrong, I go down with the boat ♪

'♪ Cause if things go wrong, he goes down with the boat ♪

♪ He's in charge of the barge, he's the skip of the ship ♪

♪ With a pipe in his mouth and a pretzel at his hip ♪

♪ He looks to the sea and he looks to the sky ♪

♪ And he makes good decisions so we all don't die ♪

♪ When it comes to captains, I think Rolf's a genius ♪

♪ And he doesn't mind I have no legs or penis ♪

♪ No, he doesn't mind that I have no legs or penis ♪

♪ I'm in charge of the barge, I'm the skip of the ship ♪

♪ With a pipe in my mouth and a pretzel at my hip. ♪

(humming a tune)

Okay, so what's the plan?

Obviously, we become best friends with Wade,

probably go on a life-changing road trip together.

- But then what? - I don't know.

But this guy should be acting in movies.

That's it. That's it!

Oh, we already have a videography company,

so why not branch out into celebrity management, too?

So we'd sign Wade as a client?

Okay, but what does a manager do?

We get him jobs in Hollywood.

He could be the new the Rock.

U-Uh, no offense to the old the Rock.

Yeah, but how do we do that?

Uh, we'd probably make some-some phone calls?

You know? To the people who give out the Hollywood jobs.

A-And emails, of course. Can't forget that part.

And we should probably get an assistant.

I'm gonna be nice to her, but every once in a while,

I'm gonna have to be firm.

Ooh, maybe this can help us.

There Will Be Mud: A Hollywood Survival Guide

to Get You Winkin' Like Lincoln by Daniel Day-Lewis.

Ooh, or maybe this one: I Did Do That

by the guy who played Urkel.

Comrades, we have made good time,

and our voyage nears its end.

Should we sing the song praising the captain again?

- ♪ Well, gather around and I'll tell you a tale ♪ - JUDY: Dad?

- Of a man... ♪ - Oh, hi.

- Whoa. Um, what are you doing? - (laughs)

(regular accent): I wa...

I wasn't playing with toys.

I was just organizing this boat on the carpet

and-and now I'm done.

So, you built our little figurines a ship?

- It seems that way. - And you're acting out a scene

pretending to be a captain on an imaginary boat?

- Yes, I guess I was. - Dad, this is very weird,

but also fun that you're doing this?

I'm all in. Can I be Pietr?

I've always wondered what it's like to be trapped in a cup.

Remember? That's how I broke Mom's oversized wineglass.

Oh, right, that's when she started drinking from a vase.

So, what's the story?

Well, Rolf is a competent captain

with the respect of the crew.

And Pietr wanted to be a captain,

but he got trapped in a stein.

- Hmm. - What do you mean, "hmm"?

Maybe we should shake things up

and, uh, I'll be the captain for a while.

(scoffs) There are two things you don't shake up, Judy:

sodas and the chain of command.

And now, let us resume our voyage.

(German accent): Well, Pietr, we should be at Fireplace Island very shortly.

JUDY (German accent): Hmm, I feel like we'd miss out

if we didn't visit Coffee Table Cove.

Some say there's treasure buried beneath it.

But as the captain, I wouldn't want to risk our voyage

when we're so close to being done.

Okay, mm-hmm, but what if I took over as captain for a while

and you could just sit back and enjoy the fun voyage?

No, my beer-bottomed boy, we have been over this.

I can't just stop being a captain.

It's who I am deep down to my little porcelain bones.

But maybe I have captain bones, too.

You have beer bones, Pietr.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, you two are just cranky

because your systems are low on mustard.

Everyone, open up for a scoop.

Feeling flustered, eat some mustard.

(laughter)

Do you guys want to share some of my plain white rice?

It's finally cooled to room temperature.

I could put some salt on it if you want to go there.

Actually, Wade, why don't you share

- some things about yourself? - Yeah.

And don't leave out anything.

Give us all 50 shades of Wade.

Okay, uh... well, I was born in Anchorage.

Mm. Fascinating. Go on.

Uh, I love to laugh.

(cackles)

Oh, same, buddy.

- And a special skill I have... - Here comes the boom.

is that if there are two forks on a table,

I can always tell which one is bigger just by looking at them.

Wow, looking forward to seeing that, Wade.

So what kind of work do you do?

Oh, I'm a temp.

I guess I haven't really found my calling,

but I'm pretty good at Excel, so it's working out fine.

Well, ring, ring, Wade. Your calling has maybe just arrived.

What do you know about the biz,

aka Hollyweird, aka Tinsel Township?

Um, not much.

My friend Wendy used to have Cinemax.

Well, it's all about who you know.

Uh, do you know Tom Cruise?

Babe, he doesn't know Tom Cruise.

Listen, Wade, you ever watch a movie and think,

- "I could do that"? - Nope, nuh-uh.

I get terrible stage fright.

Yeah, stages are very scary to me.

I got trapped inside one once at a magic show.

Not a deal breaker. We're talking more

about screen than stage.

Would you consider nudity for the right role?

Nudity? Guys, what's going on here?

- Is this... - A huge career opportunity? Yes.

You just relax and have some more rice.

We got it all covered.

Have what covered? Are you guys from the temp agency?

Is this because I changed

my computer background to Winnie the Pooh?

Serena said it was okay. I can change it back.

Everything's fine, Wade. Just excuse us for a sec.

Wolf, could you join me as I refill my Mr. Pibb?

Hey, who's this Mr. Pibb guy? Should I be jealous? (chuckles)

Just a little marriage humor there, Wade.

Nothing to worry about.

All right, I grabbed a boat

from the toy chest for myself

and I am ready to play whatever this is.

Oh, no need to have your own boat, son.

Just, uh, join our crew. We've got plenty of mustard.

Ham, why don't you go grab Helmut

and then just jump right in? You'll pick it up fast.

Helmut? More like, hell yes.

(German accent): Pietr, stop staring longingly

at Coffee Table Cove.

Come join us. We are going to roll this barrel back and forth.

HAM (German accent): Oh, that sounds fun!

I'll be right down.

(all screaming)

Why, God, why?!

(regular accent): (gaps) Sorry, I just lotioned,

and now he's dead.

(regular accent): It's all right. We'll just sweep his shattered body

off the deck, and I guess

- you can be Brunhelga. - Great.

So, Pietr, you want to go to Coffee Table Cove?

Yes, but Captain Rolf won't allow it,

even though I am practically a captain myself.

(regular accent): Well, there can only be

one true captain on a ship,

and on this ship, the captain is Rolf.

(German accent): Well, on this one, it's Pietr.

I am off to seek treasure in Coffee Table Cove!

Captain of my own ship, chooser of my own destiny!

Make way for Brunhelga.

See you later, pretzel man.

(sighs)

HONEYBEE: Babe, I hate to say it,

but Wade will never make it in Hollywood.

He's too nice.

That town will break his heart and throw it back

in his perfectly-proportioned face.

We... we can protect him.

Uh, we'll just get him strong, silent-guy roles.

Wolf, you're not thinking straight. You're hunk drunk.

We can't be responsible for putting that sweet, simple man

into the jaws of the Hollywood machine.

- Damn it, you're right. - We got to face facts.

We're running a business here. We have to drop him as a client.

This is the bigger one! I'm sure of it.

- Ooh, Coffee Table Cove. - We made it!

♪ I'm still the captain, but nobody's here ♪

♪ I would love a glass of my friend's pee beer. ♪

MOON (robotic voice): Permission to board.

Hello, large space robot.

What brings you to the sea today?

Well, I got home from school, I mean, space,

and I couldn't find anyone and here you are,

all alone on this beautiful ship,

just as I am all alone on my spaceship.

Was everyone else of your kind destroyed

in a space-pocalypse at the hands of Blaba-bork

from the Bork System?

Oh, no, I had some friends aboard my vessel.

But they departed and now I'm all alone.

Holy crap, what's that?

- (growling) - Scream sound.

Scream sound. Scream sound.

Coffee Table Cove is everything I dreamed of.

Ah, a rare treasure. I spot a very, very old pretzel

with peanut butter floating by. (chuckles)

Aw, this reminds me of Rolf und his pretzels.

Were we too hard on that son of a bitch?

- ROLF and SPACE ROBOT: Help! - What is that sound?

Is that Rolf? And a space robot?

Hey, champ, how you holding up?

Uh, I'm good.

No changes, really, since you guys went to get sodas.

Hey, buddy, you want to go pick out a frozen treat

from I Dream Of Creamy?

- It's on us, big guy. - No, thanks,

If I eat anything cold, I throw up.

Drinks, too. Everything's got to be room temp.

Wade, listen, you strike me as a no-nonsense kind of guy, huh?

You give it to 'em straight, no BS, no sugarcoating it.

We don't always get what we want in life, Wade.

I wanted a tortoise once, but did I get it? Yes.

But it turns out they're a lot of responsibility

and they can open some cages with their noses,

so he crawled out, never to be seen again.

Is that what you want?

Are you asking me if I want a tortoise?

The important thing is to take things day by day,

just keep showing up, and in the end,

you'll have taught this world a thing or two, believe me.

Just promise me you'll stay away from Hollywood.

I have a brother in Irvine I might visit...

- Promise me! - I promise!

- Now get out of here. - What?

Let's not make this any harder than it has to be, Wade.

Just go! Go and live your normal life!

(crying): Get out of here!

So you guys aren't from the temp agency?

Go, Wade, go. You'll thank us some day.

- Okay. - And take your rice, Wade.

It'll only remind us of you.

I'm-I'm actually done with it.

Take it. Take the rice!

You're right. I might be hungry later.

I'm going to the hand towel store.

Do you guys need anything from there?

No, but thank you, Wade. That's a very kind offer.

Well, we dropped our first client.

Welcome to Hollywood. We're in the game now.

Now, what do you think of the blond

in the sweatband near the ferns?

Is he golden god material?

Eh, he's more of an Everyday Evan to me.

And the quest continues.

I can't save you. I'm made of electronics.

I can't get wet.

Rolf! Rolf!

Help! My pretzel jar is pulling me under.

My sensors detect it hates the mustard.

Keep flinging.

- (grunting) - (growls)

Brunhelga? Pietr?

You came back, even though you were very angry with me?

Yes, Rolf, we like you very much.

But it would be more fun to play on the boat

if you let us take turns being captain.

(regular accent): Sorry. It's just genuinely hard

for me to let go.

(regular accent): I know, Dad. But when you're the captain

all the time, you might miss out on things,

like hanging out with Pietr and Brunhelga.

Or Londra.

I see what you're getting at.

Maybe if you let someone else lead once in a while,

you would actually enjoy it.

I guess it's worth a shot.

Maybe Brunhelga could be captain.

Or the space guy.

My name is actually... (robot noises)

...but Space Guy is fine.

Do you guys want me to turn the boat over with my space lasers?

BEEF (German accent): Wait, you have space lasers?

Why didn't you just kill the bear?

Oh, yeah. Well, you live and you learn.

You certainly do.

All right, Brunhelga.

You've got the wheel. Where to?

Space Guy, set a course for the disco.

Hey there, Beef.

Come to check on The Mighty Kathleen?

Actually, Londra, if it's not too late,

I'd like to take you up on your offer

to go fishing with you on your boat.

Oh, great. Climb aboard.

You want to take the wheel for a bit?

Yes. Wait, I mean, no.

This is your boat.

I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy

this journey with my friend.

Maybe I could be in charge of the mustard.

- Do you have any mustard? - Of course I have mustard.

It's in the galley right next to my cat's ashes.

Rest in peace, Dr. Dumbass.

He was a rescue, I couldn't bring myself to change the name.

Then I believe we're all packed.

Anchors aweigh, Captain Londra.

♪ ♪

You wanna know how the game is played? ♪

Here's all 50 shades of Wade ♪

I love to have a water, no ice ♪

♪ To me, juice has just a little too much spice ♪

♪ My favorite day of the week is Thursday ♪

I had a cupcake on my birthday ♪

When I sleep I like it pretty dark ♪

I do high fives with my friend Mark ♪

Fun fact: I'm afraid of eggs ♪

♪ I also do high fives with my friend Greg ♪

Wanna know how the game is played? ♪

That was all 50 shades of Wade. ♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH