Original subtitles

Look up there ♪

What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff ♪

- Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

Catch some fish ♪

Or gaze at a bear ♪

Wow ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

From longest night to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

BEEF: Okay, everybody,

let's get going to Maude's All Day.

It's group soup night and I'm worried

they might run out of cauliflower bisque.

That would ruin my plans to say

"bisque me on the lips" as I take my first bite.

I'm more worried they'll run out of those big spoons.

I love clinking spoons with you guys

in the middle of the community pot.

Well, have fun, guys. Remember, Honeybee and I

are staying home for our double shark dinner.

Shark dinner? It's about time we start eating them back.

Actually, we're watching Shark Week

and I'm waiting on a call from Shark Tank.

Wolf and I sent them a bunch of business ideas

along with the house number to ensure there would be

no risk of bad cell connection when Barbara says,

"Your valuation is insane."

Oh, my God, chills.

And plus, group soup is a no for me.

I don't like food you can't see the bottom of.

Could be anything down there. A bunch of nickels,

a syringe, a wet wig. Mm-mmm. You guys are too trusting.

Tonight's Shark Week event is a show about two shark brothers

who eat an eel from both ends like it's a Fruit by the Foot.

Ugh. I checked the mailbox, and still no report cards.

They were supposed to come this week.

I can't wait anymore, so here's my reaction now, ready?

(shrieks) All A's? And coolest student?

What the... Wha... Wow! I mean,

why would they even put that on a report card, you know?

In fact, they usually don't. They had to print this one

specially for me. They had to send it out

to a printing place and they got it back and they were like,

"Okay, now we'll send it to Judy. (giggles)

It's about her. She won." (short giggle)

Maybe they're not sending report cards this year, to save paper.

That might be right.

Yesterday, in the school bathroom,

the toilet paper had no paper

and just one big wad of gum in it.

It got the job done, but I didn't love it.

Guys, if we don't leave for group soup right now

I am father-divorcing you.

Dad, no! Everybody, let's go, go, go!

Bye and have fun, my Wolf Wife of Wall Street.

Bye. Have fun eating your gross soup.

Aw, hello, shark. Ooh, goodbye, leg.

WOLF: Good Charlotte, this bisque

does not missque.

Anybody mind if I take my little bread boat

for a sail on these creamy waters?

- Ahoy, son. - You guys let me know

when you need a re-bisque. Hey, isn't that your car?

HAM: Oh. That moose is cleaning our car

- for us. - Actually, Ham, moose do that

because they like the road salt

that kicks up onto the car when you drive.

Wow, he is really going to town.

Feels a little intimate, actually.

I'm just gonna look over here. Oh, no,

the way Santiago is eating his group soup all alone

also looks too intimate. Where can I look?

Should we go shoo him off, Dad? There are signs up all over

saying not to let moose do that.

Moose are very dangerous, but we're safely inside.

Let's just let him enjoy himself for a brief moment.

Great. We'll eat our group soup and he'll eat our car.

HONEYBEE: Thanks for staying back with me, Moon.

Don't tell the family this,

but I'm the only Tobin who doesn't

enjoy group soup. Ugh, I'm with you on the wet wig.

- (phone rings) - Ooh! Could be Shark Tank.

- Honeybee Shaw, She- - E-O speaking.

Oh, uh, Dwayne Gibbons, Lone Moose School principal.

Is Beef home? I'm calling to talk about

the report cards we mailed over.

He's not home and the report cards haven't arrived yet.

Huh. I sent them last week with plenty

of Frasier -themed postage--

two Niles and a Daphne.

- I can pass on a message. - - - Sure. I'd like to discuss

- - - Moon's failing grade in math. - Oh, no.

His teacher, Mrs. Hill, agreed to let him take

a make-up test on Monday.

But I'm afraid if he doesn't pass,

we'll have to hold him back.

Hmm. I'll let Beef know.

Was it the sharks? Is Mr. Wonderful

as great as his name implies?

Moon, we got to talk about the report cards.

- Disagree. - I heard about the math grade

and the make-up test on Monday, too.

Ugh! Okay, fine.

I'm just embarrassed because everybody else

in my family is great at math.

I hear you. I'm a big ideas person, not a numbers person.

I pretended I got my tonsils out six times in a row

in high school so I didn't have to take the algebra unit.

I told my teacher they kept growing back.

- So smart. - Then I did the same thing

- with appendixes in pre-calc. - Another solid idea.

- I should write these down. - But I eventually did

have to pass it to get my associate's degree.

Maybe I could help you pass that make-up test.

I don't think that's possible.

How about this: I'll wait to tell your dad if you let me try.

Fine. Now can we please get back to watching

America's Funniest Shark Attacks?

The attacks aren't necessarily laugh-out-loud hilarious,

but the sound effects help a lot.

All right, let's carefully get in the car

on the moose-free side. He'll be scared off

once I start the engine.

I am normally very against interrupting a make-out sesh,

but in this case I'll allow it.

Huh. Maybe once we start moving, he'll take the hint.

(bellows)

Oh, no! We created a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing.

He only wants the van more now that he knows it's forbidden.

I'll drive slow, so as to not to hurt him,

but hopefully he loses interest.

Aw. Is it just me,

or is this very, very, very romantic?

Okay, quickly, everyone, go, go, go, go.

HONEYBEE: What's with the moose on your caboose?

He walked alongside our car all the way home.

'Cause he's in love with our van.

They make a pretty cute couple. And just imagine

those eventual babies. Aw, vroom, vroom.

He's just enjoying the road salt.

I'm sure he'll be gone by morning.

- Do we call animal control? - I wish.

The animal control number

goes straight to a pre-recorded message that says,

"You can handle this."

WOLF: Good morning,

my Honey-queen.

What's with the school setup?

Oh, is this a sex thing?

Are-are you my teacher?

I need help, you know, studying

for my, uh, uh, sex exam?

No. Stop. It's not a sex thing. It's for your little brother.

I'm tutoring him. He's failing math, but they're letting him

take a make-up test, and I think I could actually help.

I love that you're helping my littlest bro.

He's my littlest bro now, too. Oh, but please

don't tell the rest of your family he's having trouble.

Secret's safe with me, and let me know if you guys want

my help. I'm a real - Math-thew Mc- - Counting-hey myself.

- You are? - Oh, yeah. Listen to this one.

- One, two. - Go on.

- Three, four. - Hell yeah, babe.

The moose is still here? Okay, so we know one thing:

he's a gentleman.

- Hmm. Yep, this is a problem. - - - HONEYBEE: Moon.

Welcome to class. I'm Ms. Lefontaine.

It's just me, Honeybee, but I've always wanted my name

to be Annabelle Lefontaine. It's gorgeous.

Well, Ms. Lefontaine, I'm sorry, but there is no point

in you tutoring me. There's a specific reason

why I'm very bad at math. It's genetic.

And it can't be fixed.

But your family is good at math.

Right. But I'm not like them,

and I don't want them to find out why. The truth is,

the man I call Dad-- Beef Tobin--

isn't my real father.

Okay, back up. Why do you think Beef isn't your dad?

I always thought I was so similar

to the rest of my family, but once this math thing

came up last week, I started to pick up on

all the other things that are different about me.

My hair is dark, I'm short, I also roll out my toothpaste

from the bottom to the top, they all just

squeeze it out willy-nilly, like total monsters.

Ugh, they really do. But, Moon,

I don't think that proves anything.

Look, it's as clear as day. Dad's not my dad.

I've narrowed it down to three men I think it could be,

and I'm putting together a plan to investigate them.

Moon, I'm very sure you're a true Tobin.

But I have always wanted to do a Mamma Mia!

How 'bout this: I help you check out

these potential papas, and you let me tutor you

- for your make-up test while we're doing it. - Deal.

Also, I don't think you should tell your dad about this.

Of course not. The truth would crush him.

I'm his favorite.

I'm not sure how we do it,

but we've got to get rid of that moose.

For his safety and ours.

Okay, hear me out. How about I get a moose costume

and also a moose-sized French maid outfit?

I put them both on, and I'll be a sexy lady moose.

He'll be so distracted by my sultry strut,

the moose will leave the van alone to come flirt with me.

Or what if we show him another car to distract him instead?

That's worth a try, Judy.

Oh, and put the car in the French maid outfit.

I love it.

Okay. So you think this random truck driver is your real dad?

- I don't see it. - I've seen him

driving around town, and there's something

un-bear-ably similar about both of us.

HONEYBEE: You mean how his flappy hat kind of looks

- like your bear suit? - Bingo.

HONEYBEE: Moon, look. He has Florida plates.

I have Florida heritage?

That explains why I love sunshine. Uh-oh, he's leaving.

Sir! Hi there. I see you're from Florida.

Yeah, I've been doing this - Florida- - Alaska drive

twice a week for just under seven years, ma'am.

- Twice a week? - Yep. I've only been in 63 accidents.

I tend to fall asleep at the wheel

'cause I keep the heat in here on max.

You are very sweaty, my friend.

Well, I'm also chock-full of amphetamines.

I don't even know if you two are real.

Anyway, I got a thousand miles to drive tonight.

See ya, possible ghosts.

See? He's only driven here for seven years.

You were born in Alaska ten years ago.

There's no way he's secretly your dad.

- I know. - Also, he said he has to drive

a thousand miles today. Let's say he only has

ten hours to drive. What speed should he go

in order to make it to his next stop?

I don't know. Nine million miles per hour?

I told you I'm bad at math.

Or you just need an in-- your way of connecting to math

that helps you understand it. For me, it was when

I needed to figure out how long it would take me to watch

every episode of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper

so I'd be caught up before the movie came out.

I'm all caught up, but I'm still waiting.

We just got to figure out that in for you.

No, we need to find my dad. On to the next.

MAN: Be sure to check back in with us tonight so you know the weather

for tomorrow when your head hits that "pellow."

This weatherman, really?

Yep. Harry Hotfog, Diondra Tundra's rival.

Why would this guy be your dad?

Everyone in my family says "pillow,"

but I say "pellow," like Harry. Pretty freaky, huh?

Mm, sounds like a fairly reasonable coincidence.

- Ooh! There he is. - Yoo-hoo!

- Harry! - Uh-oh.

cloudy with a chance of superfans.

You want autographs? Five bucks.

Two bucks extra if you want me to draw a little storm cloud.

Sir, how long have you lived in Lone Moose?

My whole life. 23 glorious years.

- You're only 23? - Yes. I dye my hair gray

so people will take me seriously.

Normally I'm a beautiful blonde.

He's way too young. This can't be the guy.

- Bye, Harry. - Good talking to you.

Hotfog rolling out.

(sighs) Well, there's only one guy left

on my possible paternity list. And since the other two

random people weren't my dad, it's definitely him.

HONEYBEE: Pete,

- the Val- - U-Buy cashier?

You gave me $40. Your groceries were $31,

so I give you, two, uh...

$22 back.

That's correct.

- Oh, I see. - He's notoriously bad at math.

Mom used to only get in his line. In six months,

she got enough money from him to buy

- the new refrigerator we needed. - Wow.

I mean, she used the money

to get her Camaro windows tinted, but you see my point.

All right, let's buy these and meet Pete.

- Hello, Pete. - Good afternoon. How are you?

Well, I'm annoyed at these headlines about Jennifer Aniston

wondering if she's pregnant again.

Leave that sexy, single freebird alone.

- You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.

- Any kids yourself, Pete? - Me?

Ha, not that I know of. (laughs)

No, but really, I am a virgin. There's no way.

- And here's your change: $111. - Pete, no!

MOON: You sure you don't want some ice cream?

Yeah, most adults don't have a huge ice cream sundae

- as an afternoon snack. - Suit yourself.

Well, now that we know Beef is your real pop,

we can get home and get studying.

Hey, is this seat taken, son?

- Nope. All yours, Mr. Mailman. - What'll it be, Reggie?

I'll have the Big Boy Ice Cream Sundae with Sauce. You know me--

I love a huge ice cream sundae in the afternoon.

Are you seeing this? Called me son.

Eating a huge ice cream in the afternoon.

Short stature. Dark hair.

It's him. He's it.

This is who we've been looking for.

My real father is the mailman.

Okay, so you're saying you want to be a mailman one day?

Oh, yeah. I think it's in my blood.

Couple of questions for you.

How long have you lived in Lone Moose?

Ever been in a relationship? Also,

how do you say this word: P-I-L-L-O-W?

Lived here 30 years. Yes, I've had

my fair share of relationships.

A few I thought would go the distance,

but I guess they didn't have enough postage.

And, to answer your last question, "pellow."

Are you saying pillow or "pellow"?

- Pillow. - What?

- "Pellow." - One more time.

Thanks for bringing your cars, Kyle.

No problem. They deserve some attention now and again.

Let's seduce a moose.

Let's see if he wants to get hot and heavy with a Chevy.

Or take it nice and slow with a Peugeot.

How about a hug from a VW Bug?

Man, she's got some fun car rhymes.

Put your moose lips on this Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Out of options, Beef.

Good thing I ran out to Costume Castle before it closed.

Mademoiselle Moose will be ready for her big debut.

It's no use, Wolf. Looks like we'll be the ones

saying au revoir to our beautiful van.

HAM: Au revoir.

MOON: So, uh,

you deliver the mail

no matter what, rain or shine?

Yup, I've seen it all--

snowstorms, fires, earthquakes.

I've even delivered a package during a hostage situation.

The handcuffs made the signature a little funky, but it worked.

Here you go, Reggie. And I pre-calculated the tip for you

since you hate math.

- Uh-oh. - Whoa. - Thank you, Leslie.

All right, time for me to make some cheddar

delivering letters.

Um, could we tag along? You know,

so I could see what the mailman life really entails?

All righty. I, uh, hope

you really love being outdoors like I do.

You know what? A ride-along on a boring, routine mail route

might be just the thing to prove that you're not actually

Moon's da... ream job.

Dream job. Let's do this.

REGGIE: All right, here we go!

Hop in and hold on to something,

but not to any of the handles. They're taped on!

I'm in a mailin' mood ♪

I'm gonna mail it to ya ♪

I'm gonna fire away ♪

♪ I'm a delivery machine and it is freakin' insane ♪

(barking)

I'll put that package on your stoop ♪

If it's the last thing I do ♪

I'll walk through ice and through rain ♪

And step in mountains of poo ♪

I'll get your grandma her checks ♪

And her prescription, too ♪

Ah...! ♪

Oh, is it Bring Your Son To Work Day?

My kid hates that day. I'm a nude model.

Mail it to you! ♪

JUDY: I guess we can walk to school

every day from now on.

I mean, upside: our legs and our butts

are gonna be ripped.

Aw, look. Now the moose is giving the van some branches

for their one-day dating anniversary.

BEEF: Wait a minute.

Those branches aren't for romance.

The moose is trying to hide the van

to protect it from predators.

It has adopted it as its child.

Aw. Should we offer to babysit--

let the moose have a night out on its own?

Uh, isn't it typically only female moose

that care for their young?

We don't know this moose's life.

Maybe he just likes being a dad. Or-or maybe

he had to take over jobs as both mother and father

because the van's mother moved to Pennsylvania

to be with her moose lover Marcus.

Aw, I didn't even think to ask.

This is serious. The moose would not be happy

if we opened his child's door and then sat in his child's body

and drove his child around.

Yeah, I don't have kids, but I imagine

I'll feel the same way one day.

I might have an idea that could mean everybody wins.

I love it when everybody wins.

I also love it when everybody loses.

I just love playing.

REGGIE: So, I set this zip line up years ago,

or else Mrs. Johnston would never get her weekly

bags of mail-order meal worms to feed her hedgehogs

Jessica and Kelsey. You want to come with, kid?

Oh, no. I-I mean, I'd love to, but I know that rope.

It's a Renegade. There's usually about a 200-pound weight limit

on there, and estimating your weight at 150 pounds,

- adding my 75 would break the system. - Moon!

Good call, little man. You got great instincts.

Um, and great math-stincts.

I think you would make an excellent mailman one day, Moon,

- uh... What'd you say your last name was? - Tobin.

I know that name. Yeah.

I used to deliver to your family before I switched over

to the northern route.

Wait, you did?

Oh, yeah. Your mom was a riot!

Yeah, she'd love to distract me and then steal packages

off the back of my Jeep. It was a felony but, man,

it made me laugh.

Wait, you actually knew my mom?

Of course, man-- Leeny.

You called her Leeny?

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

You know, she was always home during the day

and she was constantly offering me a beer

and inviting me in. Constantly.

Oh. Oh, no...

Maybe we should stop talking about this.

Yeah, last time I saw her

was about ten years ago. She said she had

something real important to tell me that would change my life,

but then they transferred me

to a new route and I never delivered mail

to your family again.

Anyway, off I go.

Holy stamps, this is dad news.

- You okay there, Moon? - Yep, yep.

- Yep, yep, yep. - Look, just because Reggie

knew your mom and drank with her

and went in your house a bunch

and has a lot in common with you,

it doesn't mean that he's your...

Reggie is definitely my real dad.

No. I mean, maybe not.

I mean, Moon, sweetie,

I don't totally know what to say.

I really wanted to help you with math,

but now I feel like the worst big sister in the world.

It's not your fault my mom was a real mom-about-town.

And if I was gonna be with somebody when I found out

this life-changing information that I thought I wanted

but now feel like barfing about, I'm glad it was with you.

Whee!

Reggie, uh, this was fun, but I think we got to go.

Could you drop us off at our car?

Moon's dad is probably wondering where we've been.

Oh, of course, of course. I bet I wouldn't like

waiting for my kids if I had them.

But I guess I'll never be sure, because I can't have kids.

- Really? - Wait, you can't?

Nah, it wasn't possible after the accident.

I'll spare you the gory details, but it was a bowling ball

straight to my nuts when I was 18

and they cracked open like eggs on Sunday morning.

So, you definitely have no kids?

Nope. Oh, and while I was zippin',

I remembered that your mom did tell me that thing

that she thought was so important.

She had made earrings out of beer cans.

She called them beerings.

And then she got mad at me when I wouldn't buy them

and she chased me off the property with a knife.

- Sounds like Mom. - Anyway, I'll drop you guys back at your car.

What's going on in that little bear brain, Moon?

Well, I'm super glad Dad's my dad,

but if genetics aren't the reason that I'm failing math,

then I'm just the stupid one of the family.

That's not what it means. What it means

is you're just different from your family,

and that's not a bad thing.

You know who else is different from their family?

Shania Twain? The Incredible Hulk?

- Me. - And you're great.

Yeah, I am. And you're not dumb.

In fact, you were talking all kinds of math

about that zip line. I think outdoor stuff is your in, Moon.

Huh. Yeah. I guess you're right.

I didn't get nervous thinking about that rope.

But when the numbers are just numbers on paper,

I get freaked out.

I know I'm gonna fail that make-up test tomorrow.

Remember when I said I'm a big ideas person?

I just had another one, and it's almost as good as turtletinis.

I don't know if turtletinis are for turtles

or if they have a little turtle in 'em, but it'll come to me.

Thank you for letting Moon take his make-up test

out here, Mrs. Hill. I think

you'll see that this is where he really shines.

I'm only doing this 'cause Gibbons said he would

give me a week off to go on my Metallica cruise.

Moon, how old was that tree?

I see 72 two rings.

Which means it was 72 two years old.

And if I had four of these trees, how many years

would they have collectively been alive?

Two hundred and eighty eight.

Okay. And what if we chop that tree down

to build a fire that lasts four hours and three logs

burn an hour-- how many logs do we need?

- Twelve. - Now imagine we get trapped out here

and need to eat Mrs. Hill to stay alive.

Estimating her height as five nine,

and assuming we're gonna eat about five inches per day,

how many days until we run out of teacher meat?

Well, we would probably start on her legs, so...

Okay, you can stop. I've heard enough.

Moon, you clearly understand math in this setting,

and I will adjust your grade to just barely passing.

Yeah! I kicked math's ass. And for the record,

we could probably survive on Mrs. Hill's meat

for about 13 days, provided we eat the eyes.

We just have to make this old snow machine

more enticing as the moose's baby.

We begin by covering the infant in salt.

I recorded some baby moose sounds from the Internet

and then added a little of my own flair.

And I'll swaddle up this little snow machine in my baby blanket.

Everyone ready?

(wailing)

He doesn't seem interested.

What if we put the snow machine

inside a little pumpkin, you know,

- like those baby calendars? - Give it a minute.

There he goes. Oh, papa Moose has left the building.

BEEF (crying): The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon.

Little boy blue and the something, something

and I forget the lyrics.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, son. Ready for tuck-in?

You bet. How did the moose debacle end?

I saw the van is back to being an orphan.

Yeah. There's a powerful bond between a father and child.

It's like us. But no one--

and I mean no one, son-- is gonna trick me

into trading you for an old snow machine.

Dad, I have something to show you.

I hid the report cards. I'm sorry.

I didn't want you to see my math grade.

But Honeybee helped me study and I passed my make-up test today.

I'm sure glad she did that, because I probably

- wouldn't have been much help. - You wouldn't?

I've hid it pretty well, but I've never been

any good at math. Sorry you inherited that from me.

That's okay, Dad. I kind of like that I did.

At least you didn't get my extra-long second toe.

It's true. Mine are all the same size,

like a little spice rack.

But Moon, if you ever do need anything,

I'm always here to help. Or at least to try.

Okay. I need

a TenPoint Vapor RS70 Crossbow Package, please.

Ha! Those are $4,000. How about a hug instead?

- Bonjour ♪ - I am a French lady moose ♪

- ♪ Oui ♪ - I look so pretty ♪

- Bonjour ♪ - I eat croissants ♪

- ♪ Oui ♪ - Come flirt with me ♪

I am a French lady moose ♪

I buy smelly cheese ♪

A scarf around my neck ♪

"S'il vous plaît" means "please" ♪

I am a French lady moose ♪

I look so pretty ♪

- Bonjour ♪ - I eat croissants ♪

- ♪ Oui ♪ - Come flirt with me ♪

- Bonjour ♪ - I am a French lady moose ♪

- Au revoir ♪ - And I buy smelly cheese. ♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH