Original subtitles

Look up there ♪

What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff ♪

- Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

Catch some fish ♪

Or gaze at a bear ♪

Wow ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

From longest night to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

DEBBIE: Then I did my sixth double axel,

looked at the judges

and said, "Judge this, dorks."

Oh, that gives me an idea.

We should put some skates on the Dread Sled.

Wait. What's the Dread Sled?

I like sleds and I love feeling dread.

Well, uh, it's, uh, um...

Moon, we've been building a motorized sled together.

Without me?

How come you guys never told me about this?

Well, because...

we do it when our moms do Moms' Night.

We're gonna ride the sled across Fall-Thru Lake.

You know that lake's cursed, right?

Yes. Someone tried to have a quinceañera there,

but it fell through three different times

due to scheduling issues, and the next thing you know,

she was turning 16 and it was too late.

Taking this sled on a run is gonna be the most fun I've had

since my mom's boyfriend Jamie took me on a wildflower hike.

I almost passed out from how beautiful the buttercups were.

I'm in. For the sled, not the buttercups.

Well, Moon, like I said, we only do sled stuff on Moms' Nights.

We would have invited you, but you don't have a mom.

- What if I could find one? - You can't just go to the grocery store,

put a hat on a pineapple, and call it your mother.

I know tons of moms.

For instance, Beverly, the elderly security guard

at the Greyhound station.

I'm sure she could get the job done.

I'll definitely bring a mom.

I might even bring two.

Now, this is salmon jerky.

I feel very Jazzercised.

I see where they get the energy to swim upstream.

Hey, is that our pot holder? I swear I tucked it

into its little drawer in the guest cabin this morning.

- I wonder how he got over here. - Maybe he couldn't sleep,

so he grew little legs and walked over here.

Or is there a possibility that this pot holder's haunted?

I doubt that, babe.

Oh, I hope it is. You know I love haunted stuff.

Mansions, banshees,

the look in Emma Thompson's eyes

in the final scene of Howards End.

Let's take it home and put it in its little beddy-bye.

And I'll sing something to get it back to Snoozeville.

I just checked out a new ska lullabies CD from the library.

He'll be skanking to sleep in no time.

MOON: Dad, I was wondering

about something.

You like moms, right?

And might be interested in meeting some?

Ah, maybe. But not many moms

want to hang out with a single dad.

They assume I'm some sort of barbarian

who's gonna use their iron to make a grilled cheese.

But if there was a group of moms who knew

that you know how to use an iron in a regular way,

would you be interested in joining them?

Oof. Not really. Groups aren't for me.

Remember, I briefly joined that book club,

and it didn't go well.

We were reading Girl on the Train,

and everyone said I was too focused on the train.

Okay, well, then, on a completely unrelated topic,

I have to do homework at Henry's house tomorrow night.

- Can you drop me off? - You bet.

Ah, night homework.

I remember the thrill of diagramming sentences

in the evening.

Hey, guys, you got to come in the living room.

Dad, I know you said I'm an adult now,

and you don't need to see how high I can jump,

but I'm jumping really high!

- Yup. Here we come. - Wait, the pot holder

is in here again?

What in the name of taco seasoning?

Probably just a freaky coincidence, but...

Rosemary's Gravy! How'd you get here?

(gasps) Hamburger Help-me.

Honey Bunches of Scrotes!

Honeybee, I don't want to scare you,

but I've been finding that spooky pot holder

just all over the place.

Really? (gasps) Maybe you were right about it.

I can't 100% say it's haunted,

but there's no other explanation.

- This pot holder? - (screams)

I just found it sitting out on the front porch

- in the rocking chair. - Jumpin' Jeremy Irons!

It's been in the shower, my bed, the mailbox,

and now the rocking chair?

My hunch was right-- we got a pot holder-geist!

It was only a matter of time.

Every oven mitt looks like a ghost saying hello.

You ever notice that?

Your pot holder is haunted? (gasps) Congratulations.

- So you all love ghosts? - Oh, yeah.

When we were little, we would always ask Dad

to build our house on an old burial ground,

but he kept saying, "The house is already built."

Not cool, Beef.

Have a good time, Moon.

I have an exciting evening of spice rack reorganization

- ahead of me. - Oh, actually, Dad,

I think you'd better come talk to Henry's mom.

Henry said she's trying to cut down a 50-foot oak

in her backyard, and she thinks the best type

of chain saw to use is an electric.

What?! I'd better get in there

and gently talk about the pluses and minuses

of that decision.

Hi, Moon. Hi, Beef.

Head on downstairs, hon.

I just dropped off a tray of snacks,

and you don't want to get stuck with the celery.

Celery sucks.

Okay, and, uh, Dad, before I head downstairs,

just want to let you know I may have told my friends

to tell their moms you'd like to join their moms' group.

So have a great time and enjoy

and don't place me for adoption, please. Farewell.

- BEEF: Hmm... - Well, looks like your kid tricked you.

Come on in and don't worry--

we're tons of fun on some ample buns.

So you... don't need chain saw advice?

Oh, please. My dad was a door-to-door chain saw salesman.

And let me tell you, dragging a whole tree

to every house was not easy.

Come along, Mr. Beef.

- Hmm... - Well, what are you waiting for?

You want me to carry you? 'Cause I will.

You're looking at the four-time cow-carrying champion

of Fairbanks State Veterinary College, Beef.

Uh-oh. Looks like somebody dropped a sausage

- on the taco plate. - Yup. We've got a banana growing on the papaya tree.

Ha. Um, yeah.

I am a man.

I am a man person.

Guys, stop teasing him.

Beef, we were very excited when our kids told us

you wanted to join our little group.

Pull up a cocktail and let me pour you a chair.

- Welcome to Moms' Night. - Oh, good.

I love groups and am very comfortable in them.

(clears throat) Wonderful.

MRS. TUNTLEY: Beef, what are you drinking?

I've got it all.

Oh, and I've also got some marijuana candy apples

from my sister in Sant-o Barbara, Californi-o.

But proceed with caution. I'm never having one again.

I took one last Wednesday, and my hands

have just stopped feeling like big spiders.

I guess I could have an alcohol.

- Now, where shall I sit? Here? - What are... Why is he...

- What is he doing? - (chuckles) What are you pointing at, big guy?

I don't... I don't know. I'm panicking.

Marie? Make room for him before he passes out.

We won't bite. We have a few drinks

and we do a little embroidery.

Sit down, sip your drink, goss your sip.

What do you know that we don't know?

We can only talk about Nancy Smith's bushes so many times.

By the way, I'm Russell's mom Marie,

and I'm the only one who actually embroiders.

These two are usually too tipsy to handle yarn.

That's not true. I crocheted an 11-foot-long Smurf

in a complete blackout once.

- What do you think? - That's amazing. What is it?

It's two dolphins exchanging birthday gifts.

- They're twins. - Powerful stuff.

Well, I'm Carissa, Debbie's mom.

And, yes, I'm the one who dated the janitor.

And I'm the one who hit the school crossing guard

with my car. But she's fine.

Oh, I also hit her with my fists. Now we're friends.

So, out with the gossip, meat man. What you got?

Well, you said that you have already discussed

Nancy Smith's bushes at length,

but let's be honest, her hedges have not looked neat

in a very long time.

Oh, snap, Tobin!

- This kitty has claws. - Meow?

Guys, come on.

I told some really dirty lies to get here.

Let me see the sled.

Actually, we were thinking we'd do something different tonight,

like, uh...

- hit this pole with our hands. - Wow!

Listen to that. Makes you think.

Music is everywhere, you know?

Remove the tarp, please.

Okay, Moon. We'll show it to you,

but you have to promise not to be a, a downer.

Since when am I a downer?

Remember when we built that hot air balloon

for my Miss Piggy hand puppet and you said it wouldn't work?

And what happened? It didn't work.

Yeah, but it was fun and it didn't work.

Guys, relax. I love sleds.

(sighs): Fine. Let's show it to him.

See, over there we have the toilet seat

that we're going to use as a steering wheel.

It's made for people with hemorrhoids, so it's going

- to feel really soft on our hands. - And there's the engine.

A leaf blower?

And the airbag is that bag of cheddar popcorn.

This sled is... great.

It's obvious you're lying.

Okay, fine! It's just...

that steering wheel is clearly not actually going to steer,

the leaf blower will make the sled go way too fast,

and the bag of cheddar popcorn is not going to save your life!

See? This is why we didn't want to tell you about it.

Sorry. I meant, I love it.

Moon, we want you to be here, but you cannot be a bummer.

Okay. I can do it. I can be fun.

Remember we went to Chuck E. Cheese for my birthday party?

For a tour of the kitchen and management offices.

We got to see how the Cokes were made.

Okay, fine, I see your point.

MRS. TUNTLEY: So, Carissa,

how are things going with... Chumbo?

Well, at the movies, he said, "My girlfriend would like

some cheese sauce for her pretzel."

MRS. TUNTLEY and MARIE: Aw...

So you two are both divorced?

Yup. We're just a couple of D-bags.

I thought I was the only dad here and the only divorcé.

Well, you seem like a great dad, Beef.

No one blames you for what happened with Kathleen.

Yeah, it was tough when she left.

And it's been challenging being a single parent ever since.

I'm not really much of a socializer.

The only parent friends I've ever had

were some hummingbirds that lived outside my window

with their hummingbird baby for a while.

Before I started hanging out with these two,

I spent a lot of time talking to my bathtub reflection.

She's fun, but she's crazy.

As a single mom, sometimes I feel like

someone's always asking me to take over flying the plane

at 35,000 feet.

And you have to get all the passengers into their pajamas

and convince them to eat the in-flight meal.

- Exactly. - I always feel better when I talk to the girls

after a couple of Dorothy's famous rum and pokes.

I hand you a glass of rum and then I poke you in the shoulder

and tell you to get talking.

Well, maybe I'll come back next week.

Ah, look at us-- a classic foursome,

- like Sex and the City. - Or like those poor trash cans

in front of the Burrito Barn.

I'm the blue one. She's super hot.

JUDY: Okay, everyone, I have deeply investigated

this haunted pot holder situation,

and I believe your pot holder is being haunted

by our ancestor Eugenia Tobin.

She was a suffragette who hated traditional "women's work"

and was the first lady to work at the docks.

And then she died when she fell into the oven

while trying to burn her burlap pioneer brassiere.

(gasps) And now she's in this piece of fabric?

What a world!

(chuckles): Well, she sounds very fun.

I'd love to pick her ghostly brain.

Me, too. And that's why I, AbracaJudy,

have decided we must have a séance.

Uh, are you sure you're up for a séance, Wolf?

What do you mean, Ham? My husband loves haunted stuff.

Yeah. L-Let's have that séance today-ance.

Wolf, no! We need special herbs and a Ouija board

and themed snacks, like haunted hummus

and possessed pita chips.

Oh, and I'll bring otherworldly onion dip

and some cursed crackers.

Maybe the ghost will eat some snacks, too.

I would love to watch a pretzel rod fly through the air

and then get chomped by an unseen presence.

BEEF: I know this is very catty,

but Stephanie at the post office said she had no tape

for me to use, but behind her I could see tape.

Oh, Chumbo's been going to the post office in Death Cliff.

That way he gets more time with his fancy new snow machine.

He tricked it all out. It has a new sound system

so we can go on smooth jazz rides together.

Oh, that's so romantic.

You guys holding on to each other,

listening to Kenny G.

Jamie plays the flute for Russell and I every morning.

Here's the snow machine and here's Chumbo.

I know he's a bit of a wild man, but my ex was a real drip.

Chumbo makes me forget

I'm a 47-year-old lady with a mortgage,

a weak pelvic floor, and a slight--

I mean teeny-tiny-- kleptomania problem.

- He sounds great. - To Chumbo and Carissa!

(Beef sighs)

Well, if it isn't the famous Chumbo.

And it looks like he's fetched a soda for Carissa.

He is complete BM:

boyfriend material.

Baby, you want a piece of ice?

You know I do.

Give me that ice. Give me some ice, baby.

BEEF: Uh-oh. That's not Carissa.

He's the other type of BM:

bad man.

HONEYBEE: So, you saw your new friend Carissa's dude

kissing on another lady in a parking lot.

Yes, and indulging in--

and pardon me for being so graphic-- "ice-play."

And you didn't call her right away to tell her?

No. Carissa really likes this Chumbo,

and I don't want her feelings to get hurt.

But imagine how she's gonna feel

if she finds out he's cheating and that you knew.

(groans) The thing is, back before Kathleen and I split up,

my friend Gordon told me he walked in on her and Marcus

making out in the bathroom at the library.

And for some reason, I felt mad at Gordon

and never talked to him again.

What if I tell Carissa, and she gets upset with me

and kicks me out of Moms' Night?

No more bonding? No more dirty mom-tinis?

No more insulting Nancy Smith's bushes?

- Her bushes are so disorganized! - WOLF: You know,

I once had to tell my friend Cheesecake

that his girlfriend took out a life insurance policy on him.

And at first he thought I was just jealous

that they were spending so much time together.

And I was. But then he found a machete

under her bed that had his name on it.

Yeah, she'd stuck it on there with a Post-it note.

And once he saw that, he understood.

Part of the reason we're still friends today

is because he didn't get murdered.

So you guys think the best thing to do is tell Carissa?

- I do, Dad. - Beef, yes.

I better give this a think.

Perhaps I'll make another canoe.

Dad, there are already seven in the shed.

And three in the basement.

JUDY: It's time to put on

the ceremonial robes.

Aka our old karate gis.

JUDY: And now let the rituals commence.

To the spirit who sings a ghostly note,

come out, Eugenia, and to us spoke.

Great rhyme, Judy. The only thing ghosts love more

- than rituals are rhymes. - Time for the next ritual.

Ham, did you bring the blood for us to drink?

I didn't want to sacrifice any animals,

but I did find this Chobani strawberry yogurt.

It's kind of red.

And it has cow in it.

- Spooky. - Let's pass it around.

Okay, well, I think tonight I'll just head home, so...

Get in here, Beef-butt!

Oh, no, she saw me.

Marie made her Marie-garitas!

They have 16 kinds of alcohol in 'em!

(takes deep breath) And I am going to need all 16 kinds.

(robotically): How is everyone this fine evening?

(laughs): Beef, why are you talking like a robot?

BEEF (quietly): Oh, no.

Ice.

- Oh, God. - What is it, Beef? Do you have diarrhea?

Jamie always says "Oh, God" when he has diarrhea.

No, it's... Carissa,

there's something I have to tell you. I...

I saw Chumbo in the Maude's All Day parking lot

sharing ice with another woman.

And then he shared... kissing with that woman.

- (gasps) - What?! Chum, no.

- I'm so sorry. - (sobbing)

This is gonna be the best night of our lives!

You know what? It was fun to let go and enjoy making this sled.

Of course it was fun,

even though I had to hang out with you guys.

If we break the sound barrier on this sled

and you guys can't hear me talking,

just know that I'm calling you all losers.

(scoffs): I'm not sure we'll achieve that exact speed.

- Moon... - Sorry, I forgot.

Yes, we'll probably break the sound barrier

- and Debbie will call us losers. - That's more like it.

We're gonna go so fast, it'll tear all of my hair off.

I've always wanted to be bald.

- Like Jamie. - All right,

- we'll launch from here. - MOON: Oh...

no.

Come on, Moon, get on.

Guys, wait.

I'm trying really hard not to be a buzzkill,

but I'm afraid that this sled might be an us-kill.

As in it might actually kill us.

It's just sledding down a big old hill

- towards a frozen lake, Moon. - Dread Sled or die trying.

Russell! Prepare to launch.

All right, buddy, it's your time to shine.

This is why I brought you.

Okay, then at least let me give each of you

a very big hug goodbye.

- Ugh. - And a hug to you, Debbie.

- (groaning) - And, Henry, also a hug.

And, Russell, one more hug.

And just, you know, I love you.

Aw. I love you, too, pal.

- Moon! - I'm just gonna stay here and practice fishing.

This attitude is exactly why we didn't want to tell you

about the sled.

I know. I'm a downer.

And it's best that you leave me behind and go enjoy

whatever our chaotic universe brings to you this evening.

Turn the blower on!

- (whooping) - (laughing)

- DEBBIE: What moron put that giant tree there? - Oh, no!

(screaming)

Oh, my God, we could have, like, really died.

Like, a lot.

- Moon, you saved us. - Thank you.

Just practicing my fishing, like I said.

You do kind of burst our bubble sometimes,

but it's smart of us to keep you around.

- Thanks for being boring. - Yeah. Sorry we left you out.

- It won't happen again. - If you're so smart at sleds like an idiot,

you should take a look at our bat-a-pult.

It's supposed to launch live bats at our enemies' houses,

but the bats keep biting us.

(scoffs) Well, I can tell you up front that the problem is,

you should not be near any bats at any time.

- But have you considered rats? - That's a thought.

And you all really, really, really need to get rabies shots,

like right away, like tonight.

BEEF: And if you don't want to be my friend anymore

- because I told you, I understand. - (sobbing)

I very much enjoyed my time as one of the moms,

but I can leave now, and you can again be a classic threesome,

like the Rice Krispies children.

Beef, no. You should stay.

We can't just let Chumbo get away with this.

- Should we kill him? - Yes.

Ah, I don't think we should kill him.

But I may have a different, also good idea.

Perhaps we show old Chumbo

that sometimes ice is a dish

best served cold.

BEEF: If it's ice Chumbo loves so much, let's

give him the biggest piece of ice he's ever seen.

Oh, I can't believe we're mischief-ing someone.

I've never mischief'd anyone before.

Oh, unless you count the time I accidentally handed Jamie

the sugar instead of the salt at the table,

and he ate sweet cod for dinner.

He loved it, and now I make it once a week.

- There it is. - Ugh! Looks like that thing did a bunch of cocaine,

then got into an accident with a disco ball on the sun.

And not the good cocaine. That college cocaine.

He gave me this extra key to his snow machine,

because in the event of his death,

he wanted me to strap his corpse to it

and light it on fire with a flaming arrow

so he could ride it into the gates of Valhalla.

Don't you mean through the gates?

No. He said "into the gates."

Let's get it into the dumpster over there.

All right, I believe a hose is located just there.

- Got it. - Great.

Throw it over the side. I'm gonna duct-tape

all the cracks in the dumpster to make it watertight.

Good thing I refreshed the roll of duct tape

in my duct tape pocket this morning.

Turn on the hose.

At the current temperatures, the snow machine will be frozen

into a big block of ice

by the time Chumbo's finished his Monster Energy Mojitos.

It's the perfect revenge.

Yeah. But I'm also gonna burn his smooth jazz collection,

throw out all of his takeout leftovers,

and then just absolutely destroy his dojo.

Oh, I feel so alive!

Should we all go to Dairy Queen and get Blizzards?

- It's open until 9:30. - I don't see why not.

(laughs): We really are a classic foursome,

just like the Little Women, except we're big women

and I'm a man.

All right, now that we finished that possibly very, very expired

Chobani yogurt/blood offering,

it's time to say the chant.

ALL: Double, double, pot holder trouble.

Spirits speak into earthly bubble.

- Aah! - Holy hairspray!

The yogurt jumped off the table by itself!

Oh, my God, there's definitely a ghost here.

We must've messed up the ritual and upset Eugenia,

and now she's attacking us!

She's going to kill us!

- (sobbing): Oh, no, no, no... - Wolf, babe, calm down.

- Eugenia is not going to kill us. - You can't stop her, Honeybee.

She's more powerful than you could ever imagine.

- (Wolf gasping) - Uh-oh, the ghost panic is back.

Okay, let's get a chair behind him.

- Sit down. - Drink. - I don't think I can!

- I think I'm hyperventilating. - Guys, what is going on?

Wolf's having a little panic attack about ghosts.

This used to happen all the time when we were kids.

One time he saw a napkin blowing in the breeze

- and he threw up. - But Wolf loves movies about ghosts.

Movies are different,

because he knows there's craft services there.

To calm himself down, he pictures a phantom

- eating a turkey cheese roll-up. - We thought he grew out of this!

Me, too.

But it is happening!

Oh, no! I didn't know. This is my fault.

The pot holder wasn't actually haunted.

Eugenia wasn't moving it around. It was me!

- (gasping) - What? - I was the one moving it around.

So you'd think it was haunted. The first time

I genuinely had no idea why the pot holder had moved.

But once I saw how excited you were,

I wanted to let you believe. I hadn't seen you that excited

since we saw Scream 8: Still Screaming.

(labored breathing): Great movie.

Neve Campbell is ba...

Oh, no! He fainted!

- Nope. I'm here, baby. - Oh, thank God.

Babe, I thought I lost you.

You didn't lose me. I mean, sure,

my heart rate is probably in the 300s right now,

but you creating this scary experience for me

was still very thoughtful.

You're the perfect wife.

And you'll make a wonderful ghost someday.

MARIE: That was probably the most fun I've ever had.

- (chuckles): Me, too. - Me, too.

Ooh, I just wish we could have seen his face

when he found that ice-mobile.

(laughs) I'm guessing it was a pretty angry face

based on all of the text messages he sent me.

Suck on that, Chum-blow.

Look. He sent a picture of it in the ice,

and a bunch of middle finger emojis.

And also the pray hands? But I think that was a mistake.

Nice, nice, baby!

(laughs) Crunch on that ice, bud!

Well, that was fun.

(sighs) But I guess I am on my own again now.

You're not on your own. You have us.

And Chumbo is a fool for taking you for granted.

Thanks, Beef. And just so you know,

- Kathleen was a fool, too. - Oh. I wish I had had you guys

to talk to back then.

Huh. I was a little bit of a mess.

(chuckles) Hey, speaking of messes,

have you guys seen Nancy Smith's new flower beds?

Chrysanthemums?

More like I'd-like-to-barf-on-'ems.

Damn, Tobin.

(all laughing)

Hush, pot holder, close your eyes ♪

Daddy's gonna skank you to sleep ♪

Relax in your drawer, feel the bass ♪

Don't you make a peep ♪

♪ I'll tuck you in under a warm dishcloth ♪

You make me so proud, I could weep ♪

Your mama and papa watch over you ♪

You insulate our hands ♪

- From the heat ♪ - Too hot! ♪

Hush, pot holder, close your eyes ♪

Daddy's gonna skank you to sleep. ♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH