Original subtitles

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Saturday, in the van ♪

♪ Taking you to recorder practice ♪

♪ While you're there, I clean the car ♪

♪ Keeping anything that I find... ♪

Another super spicy Saturday recorder band practice.

Now hit me with a few bars.

I'd rather save it for rehearsal.

My lips get tired.

From playing my recorder so well.

Respect. You know, there's no telling

what I'll find cleaning out this Van-iel Radcliffe.

(chuckles): But whatever it is, I get to keep it.

Quarter roll of duct tape? Mine.

This map of Lone Moose from before we got the car wash?

All mine, baby!

(chuckles)

See you in 55 minutes.

Have fun with your recorder.

And also, record this: I love you very much.

(accent): There's gold in this here van.

All right, kids, huddle up.

Welcome back to Saturday Splits,

where we take a deep dive into divorce trauma

and those gallon tubs of ice cream.

We're gonna to kick off today's processing with a few reps

of free share.

Then, I'll pop in this instructional DVD

and we'll round this all out with some delicious,

unstructured banana split time.

- Who'd like to share first? - RUSSELL: I'll go, Coach Kiely.

I've composed a poem about and for

my mom's perfect boyfriend Jamie.

"Not a dad. Not a friend.

Jamie is a man in between."

HONEYBEE: Thanks for coming with me to mail my pen pal letters,

- you guys. - Well, I am happy

to accompany you to the post office.

I'll run any errands with you. Of any kind.

At any time.

Because you love my convertible?

(laughs) What? No.

Convertibles are silly.

And we shouldn't put the top down.

It's much too cold.

(giggles)

I don't enjoy this.

- I'm not a puppy. - I would be so embarrassed

if a certain someone saw us in this beautiful car.

Should we go drive by Stacy B's house again?

HONEYBEE: Okay, got to mail these pen pal letters.

This one to Jessica in Decatur is very important.

The zoning board shut down her kite-flying camp

because it was too close to the airport.

I hate seeing someone get their dream taken away.

Even if that dream is kites and I don't understand it.

-(screeches) -(shouts) What the...?

Honeybee, don't move a muscle.

Is this like Jurassic Park?

If I don't move, it can't see me?

-(screeches) -(screams)

- Uh-oh! Stay calm. - Oh, no!

- He got my mitten! - BEEF: Stay calm.

Coming to get you.

HAM: Hurry, hurry, hurry.

(shouts) Oh, no, your legs!

Keep driving, I'll get them in!

What the hell was that?

That was Toby the Eagle.

Hey, a purple Skittle!

Mmm, mmm-- Nope, that's a bead.

Moon's recorder?

(stammers) You don't become first chair in recorder choir

by forgetting your instrument.

You probably become, like, third chair.

And then maybe quit school?

And run away from home to live in a skate park?

Oh, no. Moon!

HAM: I still can't believe

Toby the Eagle got your mitten.

That's below the belt. At least for me,

- but my arms are pretty long. - It was below the belt, Ham.

That's why I'm calling animal control.

Honeybee, you can't.

- Why? -(sighs) Toby isn't just any eagle.

He's actually a Lone Moose city councilperson.

No, he's not, he's a bird.

Toby is, in fact, a city councilperson.

And Toby's handler Roy is also a councilperson,

and together they have a powerful two-thirds majority.

The third councilperson Gwen just gave up years ago.

These days, she spends council meetings

practicing picking things up with her bare feet.

I saw her at the mall using chopsticks with her toes.

She made it through a whole lo mein.

If you wrong Toby, you wrong Roy.

And if you wrong Roy,

pretty soon you find yourself drowning in parking tickets

and maybe even Toby's extra-large birdbath

behind city hall.

Dad, we've been over this.

You fell in. Nobody was even there.

I have my doubts.

Being a city councilperson is a person job, not a bird job.

- What is wrong with this town? - It's not just Lone Moose.

Having an animal in the government

is a thing in Alaska.

Talkeetna has a cat mayor named Cat Damon.

Oh, and he has a little chicken friend named Hen Affleck.

It's usually just a novelty meant to sell postcards,

but Toby the Eagle has actual power.

Someone needs to speak up about this.

Oh, I've tried.

A few years ago, I was standing outside

one of my all-time favorite establishments,

the Yoghurt Yhurt,

when, citing an OSHA violation, Roy shut down the Yhurt forever.

But a few months later,

a shop selling nothing but eagle paraphernalia

was allowed to open in the very same spot.

I decided to squash the corruption from within,

by running for city council.

Because I lived in Toby's district,

I had to run against the bird.

I thought it would be pretty easy, but then

it came time for the debate.

Back to what I was trying to say

- about gutter repair. -(screeching)

The safety of our gutters...

Every time I would try to speak, he would shriek over me.

The crowd loved it.

I like when the eagle shrieks.

BEEF: People always vote for the guy

they want to have a beer with.

And that guy was Toby the Eagle.

Well, if we can't get the eagle off the council,

maybe I could at least get my mitten back from his nest?

Well, good luck with that.

When Toby stole Zoya's wig at the Fall Frenzy Dance,

Roy claimed he'd bought the wig for Toby.

(groans) That bird runs this town.

Well, I'm not taking this lying down.

I can't walk around with just one mitten on.

I'm gonna make Roy a gift basket

with some of my dad's chocolate fudge in it

and politely ask him to get my mitten back.

My dad always used to say,

"Once they taste that fudge, they can't hold a grudge."

BETHANY: My parents are technically

still happily married,

but my mom started DVR-ing Dateline,

so I feel that she's going to kill my dad.

Sorry, Bethany.

- Moon? Your turn. - Oh.

I'm still very upset about divorce.

And the only thing that makes me feel better is ice cream,

so why don't we crack open those tubs and...

Well, not quite yet.

First I got to pop in this DVD from headquarters.

♪ When bananas split, what does it mean? ♪

♪ Come sit down and eat some ice cream ♪

♪ What happened to Mom, and where is Pop? ♪

♪ Let's talk about divorce with a cherry on top ♪

Saturday Splits. ♪

Hi, everybody, I'm actress Lisa Rinna.

I've been happily married for 25 years to Mr. Harry Hamlin,

but my character Taylor's divorce from Kyle McBride

in season six of Melrose Place

was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.

But it taught me that while divorce is painful,

it's not always bad.

Just like this banana that is split in two.

The splitting of your parents may be the very thing

which creates space for all the good in life:

the ice cream, the whipped cream, and of course,

the cherry on top.

Mmm. Now, that's good.

(cries) That's frickin' beautiful, Lisa.

I'm sorry for lying to you about

this ice cream-based divorce club.

Don't be sorry. I just don't know why

you'd hide something this amazing from me.

Sundaes, emotional deep dives, Coach Regina Kiely?

This club has everything.

I mainly didn't tell you because I thought if Dad

learned about my gigantic helping of ice cream here,

he might not give me my gigantic helping of ice cream at home.

I would never let that happen to you.

But also, you can talk to me

about Mom and Dad's divorce anytime.

- I'm here for you. - Thanks.

But again, I only do it for the ice cream.

Yeah, sure. Just like how I only watch

Quebec's Quiche Queens because Honeybee likes it.

But if I happen to be taking a master class

in Canadian female friendship along the way, so be it.

Are you two Tobins doing okay out here?

Sorry for getting so emotional in your doorframe earlier.

Don't be sorry. Mm-mm.

Even if you're an adult, you're still a child of divorce.

Why don't you come on in, grab a split,

and stay for the wrap-up song?

It's "Believe" by Cher.

Are you frickin' kidding me?

How could I say no to that? ♪

To that, to that... ♪

HONEYBEE: Well, hi, there.

I'm just hoping to see Councilman Roy.

- He's right there. - Stephanie?

Did you check the schedule?

- You're wide open. - Great.

- How can I help you, ma'am? - Well, your bird...

- Toby. - Yes. Toby.

He stole some items from me, including my pen pal letters,

which I believe he mostly ate, and a single mitten,

which I would like to get back.

I see. You have a formal complaint

against a fellow councilperson.

Business like that is addressed during our council meetings.

But your bird stole from me.

I saw my mitten in the nest outside.

I just want you to get it back from your pet.

If you are requesting something of monetary value from the city,

you can fill out a request form and, again,

bring it to the council meeting.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to concentrate really hard when I write,

or my writing is illegible.

Okay, well. Here's a basket with grudge fudge.

- I cannot accept this bribe. - It's not a bribe.

-(shouts) Forget it. Forget it! - I won't forget it.

I'm writing down a note here on my pad,

and I'll speak to you about it at the council meeting.

(screeches)

Oh, no, oh, no. Help! My basket!

All right, Toby. I give up.

I can't kill you with kindness and I can't kill you

with anything else, because you're endangered.

So I'm gonna go home and watch Quebec's Quiche Q--

Quebec's Quiche Queens until I calm down.

It's impossible to say and impossible to turn off.

KIELY: Can anyone answer

question one: "What is this a picture of?"

Oh, I can answer that one for you, Coach Kiely.

That's a mom who's dating again.

And that kid's feeling extremely bad

'cause his whole family sitch is about to go kablammo.

Yeah, it happened to me and Moon, am I right?

- Mm. - Moon's just being quiet

because he's avoiding the truth

about how devastatingly upset he is.

He's like Meryl Streep's character in Doubt.

Sister Aloysius?

(chuckles): Has no one here seen Doubt?

Yes. I watch it every year on my birthday.

All I'm saying is, you got to face the hard stuff head-on.

Otherwise one day... (imitates explosion)

you'll just explode.

(whimpers) I don't want to explode.

No, no, no, you're safe. You're safe, Russell.

Wolf, as the other adult here, I was wondering

if you might help me set up our next activity?

Oh, fo sho. Moon, don't worry.

I'm just gonna be up there at the board helping Coach Kiely.

I am not abandoning you like Mom did.

Oh, good. But if you did want to wait in the car till we're...

I'm here, buddy. I'm here.

HONEYBEE: All right.

It looks like the eagle has landed. Somewhere else.

- I'm just gonna go mail my rewritten letters. - Okay.

I'll just enjoy my seat heater while you're gone.

I know there's not a tiny campfire in here,

but I sure have fun pretending there is.

Could I bother you for a roll of stamps?

And if you have any fun ones, like Beach Snoopy

or a hamburger with eyeballs,

I could really use a pick-me-up.

We only carry bald eagle Forever Stamps.

- Of course you do. - I was able to overhear

your little chat with Roy the other day.

Because I was actively eavesdropping.

You must be pretty mad about Toby taking your stuff.

Oh, girl, no!

I thought about it, and, uh, I love it.

Roy and Toby went home already.

Well, then yeah! I'm furious!

But what can I do?

I know exactly what you can do.

So, there's no rule preventing an animal

from holding a city council seat here in Lone Moose.

But there is a minimum age required

of anyone in Toby's position: 18.

But get this-- the average eagle's lifespan

is only 18 years.

And I suspect Toby is an early adolescent,

based on his talon size.

And his constant masturbation.

Toby is in violation of town code?

Exactamundo.

Bring this to Roy and demand that Toby steps down.

I would've done it years ago,

but it's political suicide

and I have dreams.

To put it simply, I would like to be

president of the United States.

You didn't get me my mitten back, Roy.

So now... (whispers): I'm coming for your bird.

Ooh, I just gave myself chills.

So, you'll write something that actually contributed

to your parents' split,

because it-- say it with me...

- OTHERS: Wasn't my fault. - Correct.

For instance, in my divorce,

it's not my fault that Samantha and I had different ideas

about saving money.

So, I might write "money."

Samantha also refused to eat peas like a normal woman

and instead would bring the whole plate--

the whole plate-- up to her lips

and roll them into her open mouth.

So, I also might write "peas."

(inhales deeply, sighs)

Debbie, why don't you start?

Okay. My dad quit his job to record an album

called Simply Ken.

And, now, here I am.

Well, let's see. Uh...

It was totally not my fault.

My mom-- also Moon's mom-- just met another guy.

At the dance studio in Death Cliff.

He was actually my instructor, Marcus.

And I introduced them.

On the evening of my first recital.

I remember standing backstage.

But I didn't even get to perform, because I saw...

Mom?

And Marcus?

Kissing?! (wailing)

Paul Simon's Pee-Pee!

It was my fault!

(crying, chewing)

It was all my fault.

This club is a lie.

And this banana split is a lie banana split.

Wolf, I can see that you're in, uh, a lot of pain.

But you're scaring everyone.

Russell's day terrors are back.

-(Russell shrieks) - I'm sorry,

but I have to ask you to leave.

But what about Moon? He really needs me in there.

I don't think you can help your brother

till you help yourself, Wolf.

Okay. I understand.

May I make myself a replacement banana split to go?

Okay, I'm going.

♪ I can feel something inside me say ♪

♪ I really don't think Wolf's strong enough, oh! ♪

BEEF: Uh, no, Ham, it doesn't come like that.

I make the bacon into a little smile on the pancake.

What about the French toast with the strawberry lips?

Are you asking me if the toast has lips, son?

- Morning, Honeybee. Where's Wolf? - He's in the guesthouse.

He's upset, but I don't know what's wrong.

He said it had something to do with cleaning out the van.

I bet he found an old English muffin and ate it again

and doesn't want to tell me he has diarrhea.

I'll go check on him.

All right, I'm off to confront Roy.

We'd better come with you. You know, as backup.

Also, maybe I want Mr. Wind

to run his fingers through my hair again.

- Wolf? - Oh, hey, Moon.

You can tell Coach Kiely that I can buy my own ice cream,

'cause I'm a big boy with money.

I probably won't tell her that.

- Hey, do you maybe want to go do something? - Why?

I'll just end up ruining something perfect.

Like I ruined Mom and Dad's marriage

and your divorce club

and these pajamas.

Okay. But the thing is,

in health class, they told us we need to start wearing deodorant,

so I need to go to the drug store in Death Cliff.

Oh, Drug Cliff?

They have a sick ibuprofen selection.

Yeah. Dad's busy, so I was hoping you could take me.

Okay, fine.

But I'm not changing out of these pajamas.

Not for anyone. Ever.

Except maybe for Barack Obama, if he were to ask.

Or Michelle.

Or Malia. Or Sasha.

If I'm not back in 15 minutes,

honk the horn three times and drive through his front door.

Or we could come with you.

Thanks, Beef, but this is between the bird and the bee.

And the Roy.

Oh, you guys want to play Action Movie while we wait?

Way ahead of you! (grunting)

ROY: Ooh, I hear someone outside.

Must be your birthday present getting delivered,

my handsome Tobe-lerone.

Oh, it's you.

You've been a bad boy, Roy.

Don't mind the filing cabinets.

I feel it's important to keep paper copies

of all the town budgets because...

(whispers): what if they hack the server?

What if who hacks the server?

Well, there are a lot of threats out there.

Like, I don't know what it is,

but I keep hearing about Mario Kart?

Well, I just came to show you this.

Toby's too young to hold office. Legally.

Either he steps down or I go public.

Oh, no. What have I done?

I'm so sorry to the people of Lone Moose.

Uh, they trusted us.

And I'm sorry to you.

I never wanted to violate town code.

- So you knew? - Of course I knew.

I have that book memorized. I-I love town code.

More than anything in the world.

Well, except Toby.

If you love it so much, why'd you break the code, Roy?

(sighs) I've always wanted to work on the council.

Ever since I was a little boy.

But people wouldn't elect me.

They found me dry or boring.

After a couple failed campaigns,

I gave up my dreams and moved out here.

And that's when I was first attacked by Toby.

But then, much later, he befriended me.

Because I left out a ton of meat for him.

Then I read about a guinea pig who was

Alaska's lieutenant governor

- in the 1950s... - Wait,

a guinea pig was lieutenant governor?

Eh, for a brief time.

He died in office. He overheated.

You're really not supposed to put them in little suits.

But inspiration struck.

I put Toby on the ticket with me and, voilà,

I wasn't just the boring guy with the plan for sewage reform.

I was the boring guy with the plan for sewage reform

and the eagle. We won!

All I ever wanted to do was help this town.

And be best friends with an eagle.

And I was living the dream.

But I guess we flew too close to the sun.

I mean, he did. I-I can't fly.

Toby and I will resign at the council meeting.

-(screech) - We won't work together anymore,

but he'll still be my guy.

HONEYBEE: You really do love that bird, huh?

He's my best friend.

My only friend.

But rules are rules.

At least I lived my dream for a little while.

You got me fair and square.

(quietly): Oh, my God. I'm a dream killer.

I'm taking away this man's kite camp.

Hold on.

Roy, if there's one thing I don't do,

it's steal people's dreams.

If I can help you fix this problem,

can you get my mitten back from Toby's nest?

He might bite me.

Like, a lot. But I can try.

Let me look at that town code real quick.

-(horn honking) - Oh, no! Oh, no!

Don't drive into the house, guys!

We're kind of friends now!

WOLF: All right, time to get you some deodorant.

And I might treat myself to a tiny little bottle of shampoo.

I love to imagine I'm a giant who's washing his hair.

Wolf, I don't actually need deodorant.

I brought you here to deal with your past.

WOLF: Oh, no! I forgot

the ding dang dance studio was here!

Mambo number crap!

Uh-uh, uh-uh. No way. No, no, no, no.

Wolf, this is what the Saturday Splits is all about.

The only way to deal with your empty heart bowl

is to fill it up with the creamy truth.

(sighs) You're right, Moon.

Let's get to scoopin'.

-(bell tinkles) - Hello. Sorry to bother you, ma'am.

Mary. Are you here for Dubstep Delight?

Because Lace broke both his knees, so it's canceled.

Actually, we're just hoping to sort some events

that took place here a few years ago.

- My brother, Wolf Tobin... - Tobin?

Oh, I know exactly who you are.

You're Kathleen's kid.

My husband Marcus left me for your mom.

Oh, my God.

So that makes you...

my mother?!

Oh, no, sorry.

It just means I ruined your marriage, too.

And when he left, he saddled me with this dance studio.

And I can't even dance.

Look. (grunting)

This is genuinely the best I can dance.

I'm so sorry.

My selfish desire to learn tap

ruined so many lives.

I'm gonna go stand by the car.

Wolf. Wolf! Look at this.

Oh. "Boomfunk!"

(chuckles) That's fun to say.

No, Wolf, look at the picture.

Oh, my Dancing with the Stars. That's...

- MOON: Mom. - And, wait,

this picture is from way before I ever took that tap class here.

So if Mom was here then,

I guess I didn't introduce her to Marcus.

Yeah, they were running around for years, and everyone knew it.

Except me, ole Mary.

This is amazing news!

And also very upsetting.

I'm very sorry about your marriage, Mary.

But this means it wasn't my fault!

It wouldn't have been your fault either way, Wolf.

Even if you had introduced Mom and Marcus,

this was 100% their fault.

And, honestly, I'm kind of glad

I don't have to deal with Marcus anymore.

His fedora collection took up the entire bathroom.

We got in so many fights

because I would accidentally poop in his hats.

Moon, thank you for bringing me here.

Gosh, I'm so friggin' impressed by you.

You're mature and thoughtful and smart and stuff.

I mean, it's insane you turned out that way,

given what a frang dang mess our family is.

Wolf, I wasn't lying when I said I only go to Saturday Splits

for the ice cream.

My childhood has been wonderful.

I've always felt like I have two pretty great parents,

Dad and... you.

I mean, you taught me how to cartwheel.

- Brag. - How to double-dip a French fry

without contaminating the ketchup.

And, just today, you dropped everything

to drive me out here to buy deodorant.

I love you, Moon.

Love you, too, Wolf.

Whew. (chuckles) You know what?

It might actually be time to get that deodorant.

That's probably me.

It has been a morning.

Moon, if it's okay with you,

I think there's one more thing I need to take care of

before we leave.

Okay! You guys ready?

Mary, count us in!

One, two, three, four.

What am I supposed to do? ♪

♪ Just sit around and wait for you? ♪

Well, I can't do that ♪

There's just no turning back ♪

♪ Do you believe in life after love? ♪

♪ After love, after love, after love... ♪

I will now begin roll call.

Roy Fletcher. Present.

Toby Eagle. Present.

Gwen Jorgenson. Present.

Now the council will open itself up to constituent questions.

(sighs) Well, if there are no constituents present...

Hello! We're here to talk about town code section 14.c58.

"Human and other types of children

aren't allowed to hold office"?

That seems wrong.

Kids are capable of great things.

What about Greta Thunberg?

And Malala?

And what about Cupid?

You like falling in love, right?

Anybody who has a dream should at least get a chance

to live that dream.

Including children and children eagles.

And, therefore, I hereby propose

the following changes to the town code.

MOON: I will say,

Coach Kiely has nothing on your toppings game.

Well, she's not the only life advice-based

ice cream club in town.

Now, we have a lot to get through.

First, pretty soon, you're gonna have to start shaving.

And the answer is, yes, buy a lady razor.

They come with lotion strips.

Why deprive yourself of that?

Also, here's something else--

you don't have to measure every foot-long sub you buy.

Sometimes, you just have to trust.

♪ Every nook and cranny holds some treasure of its own ♪

♪ When I whip open my trash bag ♪

♪ They call me Indi-van-a Jones ♪

♪ Don't bother me, I'm in the van cleaning zone ♪

♪ Don't bother Wolf, he's in the van cleaning zone ♪

♪ On an exploratory mission, like Jacques Cousteau ♪

Or whoever dug up Rome ♪

♪ A baby tooth, a peanut, an amethyst earring ♪

-♪ That's my friggin' birthstone ♪ - Shh ♪

♪ Don't bother me, I'm in the van cleaning zone ♪

-♪ Shh, don't bother Wolf, he's in ♪ - Don't bother me, I'm in ♪

The van cleaning zone! ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.