All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S02E11.DSNP.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb.en[cc]

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Saturday, in the van ♪

♪ Taking you
to recorder practice ♪

♪ While you're there,
I clean the car ♪

♪ Keeping anything
that I find... ♪

Another super spicy
Saturday recorder band practice.

Now hit me with a few bars.

I'd rather save it
for rehearsal.

My lips get tired.

From playing my recorder
so well.

Respect. You know,
there's no telling

what I'll find cleaning
out this Van-iel Radcliffe.

(chuckles): But whatever it is,
I get to keep it.

Quarter roll of duct tape? Mine.

This map of Lone Moose
from before we got the car wash?

All mine, baby!

(chuckles)

See you in 55 minutes.

Have fun with your recorder.

And also, record this:
I love you very much.

(accent):
There's gold in this here van.

All right, kids, huddle up.

Welcome back to Saturday Splits,

where we take a deep dive
into divorce trauma

and those gallon tubs
of ice cream.

We're gonna to kick off today's
processing with a few reps

of free share.

Then, I'll pop in
this instructional DVD

and we'll round this all out
with some delicious,

unstructured banana split time.

- Who'd like to share first?
- RUSSELL: I'll go, Coach Kiely.

I've composed a poem
about and for

my mom's perfect boyfriend
Jamie.

"Not a dad. Not a friend.

Jamie is a man in between."

HONEYBEE:
Thanks for coming with me
to mail my pen pal letters,

- you guys.
- Well, I am happy

to accompany you
to the post office.

I'll run any errands with you.
Of any kind.

At any time.

Because you love my convertible?

(laughs)
What? No.

Convertibles are silly.

And we shouldn't
put the top down.

It's much too cold.

(giggles)

I don't enjoy this.

- I'm not a puppy.
- I would be so embarrassed

if a certain someone saw us
in this beautiful car.

Should we go drive
by Stacy B's house again?

HONEYBEE: Okay, got to mail
these pen pal letters.

This one to Jessica in Decatur
is very important.

The zoning board shut down
her kite-flying camp

because it was too close
to the airport.

I hate seeing someone
get their dream taken away.

Even if that dream is kites
and I don't understand it.

-(screeches)
-(shouts) What the...?

Honeybee, don't move a muscle.

Is this like Jurassic Park?

If I don't move,
it can't see me?

-(screeches)
-(screams)

- Uh-oh! Stay calm.
- Oh, no!

- He got my mitten!
- BEEF: Stay calm.

Coming to get you.

HAM:
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

(shouts)
Oh, no, your legs!

Keep driving, I'll get them in!

What the hell was that?

That was Toby the Eagle.

Hey, a purple Skittle!

Mmm, mmm-- Nope, that's a bead.

Moon's recorder?

(stammers) You don't become
first chair in recorder choir

by forgetting your instrument.

You probably become,
like, third chair.

And then maybe quit school?

And run away from home
to live in a skate park?

Oh, no. Moon!

HAM:
I still can't believe

Toby the Eagle got your mitten.

That's below the belt.
At least for me,

- but my arms are pretty long.
- It was below the belt, Ham.

That's why I'm calling
animal control.

Honeybee, you can't.

- Why?
-(sighs) Toby isn't
just any eagle.

He's actually a Lone Moose
city councilperson.

No, he's not, he's a bird.

Toby is, in fact,
a city councilperson.

And Toby's handler Roy
is also a councilperson,

and together they have
a powerful two-thirds majority.

The third councilperson Gwen
just gave up years ago.

These days,
she spends council meetings

practicing picking things up
with her bare feet.

I saw her at the mall using
chopsticks with her toes.

She made it through
a whole lo mein.

If you wrong Toby,
you wrong Roy.

And if you wrong Roy,

pretty soon you find yourself
drowning in parking tickets

and maybe even
Toby's extra-large birdbath

behind city hall.

Dad, we've been over this.

You fell in.
Nobody was even there.

I have my doubts.

Being a city councilperson
is a person job, not a bird job.

- What is wrong with this town?
- It's not just Lone Moose.

Having an animal
in the government

is a thing in Alaska.

Talkeetna has a cat mayor
named Cat Damon.

Oh, and he has a little chicken
friend named Hen Affleck.

It's usually just a novelty
meant to sell postcards,

but Toby the Eagle
has actual power.

Someone needs to speak up
about this.

Oh, I've tried.

A few years ago,
I was standing outside

one of my all-time favorite
establishments,

the Yoghurt Yhurt,

when, citing an OSHA violation,
Roy shut down the Yhurt forever.

But a few months later,

a shop selling nothing
but eagle paraphernalia

was allowed to open
in the very same spot.

I decided to squash
the corruption from within,

by running for city council.

Because I lived
in Toby's district,

I had to run against the bird.

I thought it would be
pretty easy, but then

it came time for the debate.

Back to what I was trying to say

- about gutter repair.
-(screeching)

The safety of our gutters...

Every time I would try to speak,
he would shriek over me.

The crowd loved it.

I like when the eagle shrieks.

BEEF:
People always vote for the guy

they want to have a beer with.

And that guy was Toby the Eagle.

Well, if we can't get
the eagle off the council,

maybe I could at least get
my mitten back from his nest?

Well, good luck with that.

When Toby stole Zoya's wig
at the Fall Frenzy Dance,

Roy claimed
he'd bought the wig for Toby.

(groans)
That bird runs this town.

Well, I'm not taking this
lying down.

I can't walk around
with just one mitten on.

I'm gonna make Roy a gift basket

with some of my dad's
chocolate fudge in it

and politely ask him
to get my mitten back.

My dad always used to say,

"Once they taste that fudge,
they can't hold a grudge."

BETHANY:
My parents are technically

still happily married,

but my mom started
DVR-ing Dateline,

so I feel that she's
going to kill my dad.

Sorry, Bethany.

- Moon? Your turn.
- Oh.

I'm still very upset
about divorce.

And the only thing that makes me
feel better is ice cream,

so why don't we crack open
those tubs and...

Well, not quite yet.

First I got to pop in this DVD
from headquarters.

♪ When bananas split,
what does it mean? ♪

♪ Come sit down
and eat some ice cream ♪

♪ What happened to Mom,
and where is Pop? ♪

♪ Let's talk about divorce
with a cherry on top ♪

Saturday Splits. ♪

Hi, everybody,
I'm actress Lisa Rinna.

I've been happily married for
25 years to Mr. Harry Hamlin,

but my character Taylor's
divorce from Kyle McBride

in season six of Melrose Place

was one of the hardest things
I've ever gone through.

But it taught me
that while divorce is painful,

it's not always bad.

Just like this banana
that is split in two.

The splitting of your parents
may be the very thing

which creates space
for all the good in life:

the ice cream, the whipped
cream, and of course,

the cherry on top.

Mmm. Now, that's good.

(cries)
That's frickin' beautiful, Lisa.

I'm sorry for lying to you about

this ice cream-based
divorce club.

Don't be sorry.
I just don't know why

you'd hide something
this amazing from me.

Sundaes, emotional deep dives,
Coach Regina Kiely?

This club has everything.

I mainly didn't tell you
because I thought if Dad

learned about my gigantic
helping of ice cream here,

he might not give me my gigantic
helping of ice cream at home.

I would never let that happen
to you.

But also, you can talk to me

about Mom and Dad's divorce
anytime.

- I'm here for you.
- Thanks.

But again, I only do it
for the ice cream.

Yeah, sure.
Just like how I only watch

Quebec's Quiche Queens
because Honeybee likes it.

But if I happen to be
taking a master class

in Canadian female friendship
along the way, so be it.

Are you two Tobins
doing okay out here?

Sorry for getting so emotional
in your doorframe earlier.

Don't be sorry. Mm-mm.

Even if you're an adult,
you're still a child of divorce.

Why don't you come on in,
grab a split,

and stay for the wrap-up song?

It's "Believe" by Cher.

Are you frickin' kidding me?

How could I say no to that? ♪

To that, to that... ♪

HONEYBEE:
Well, hi, there.

I'm just hoping
to see Councilman Roy.

- He's right there.
- Stephanie?

Did you check the schedule?

- You're wide open.
- Great.

- How can I help you, ma'am?
- Well, your bird...

- Toby.
- Yes. Toby.

He stole some items from me,
including my pen pal letters,

which I believe he mostly ate,
and a single mitten,

which I would like to get back.

I see. You have
a formal complaint

against a fellow councilperson.

Business like that is addressed
during our council meetings.

But your bird stole from me.

I saw my mitten
in the nest outside.

I just want you to get it back
from your pet.

If you are requesting something
of monetary value from the city,

you can fill out a request form
and, again,

bring it to the council meeting.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to concentrate
really hard when I write,

or my writing is illegible.

Okay, well. Here's a basket
with grudge fudge.

- I cannot accept this bribe.
- It's not a bribe.

-(shouts) Forget it. Forget it!
- I won't forget it.

I'm writing down
a note here on my pad,

and I'll speak to you about it
at the council meeting.

(screeches)

Oh, no, oh, no. Help! My basket!

All right, Toby. I give up.

I can't kill you with kindness
and I can't kill you

with anything else,
because you're endangered.

So I'm gonna go home and watch
Quebec's Quiche Q--

Quebec's Quiche Queens
until I calm down.

It's impossible to say
and impossible to turn off.

KIELY:
Can anyone answer

question one:
"What is this a picture of?"

Oh, I can answer that one
for you, Coach Kiely.

That's a mom who's dating again.

And that kid's feeling
extremely bad

'cause his whole family sitch
is about to go kablammo.

Yeah, it happened
to me and Moon, am I right?

- Mm.
- Moon's just being quiet

because he's avoiding the truth

about how devastatingly upset
he is.

He's like Meryl Streep's
character in Doubt.

Sister Aloysius?

(chuckles):
Has no one here seen Doubt?

Yes. I watch it
every year on my birthday.

All I'm saying is, you got
to face the hard stuff head-on.

Otherwise one day...
(imitates explosion)

you'll just explode.

(whimpers)
I don't want to explode.

No, no, no, you're safe.
You're safe, Russell.

Wolf, as the other adult here,
I was wondering

if you might help me
set up our next activity?

Oh, fo sho. Moon, don't worry.

I'm just gonna be up there at
the board helping Coach Kiely.

I am not abandoning you
like Mom did.

Oh, good. But if you did want
to wait in the car till we're...

I'm here, buddy. I'm here.

HONEYBEE:
All right.

It looks like the eagle
has landed. Somewhere else.

- I'm just gonna go mail
my rewritten letters.
- Okay.

I'll just enjoy my seat heater
while you're gone.

I know there's not
a tiny campfire in here,

but I sure have fun
pretending there is.

Could I bother you
for a roll of stamps?

And if you have any fun ones,
like Beach Snoopy

or a hamburger with eyeballs,

I could really use a pick-me-up.

We only carry
bald eagle Forever Stamps.

- Of course you do.
- I was able to overhear

your little chat with Roy
the other day.

Because I was
actively eavesdropping.

You must be pretty mad
about Toby taking your stuff.

Oh, girl, no!

I thought about it,
and, uh, I love it.

Roy and Toby went home already.

Well, then yeah! I'm furious!

But what can I do?

I know exactly what you can do.

So, there's no rule
preventing an animal

from holding a city council seat
here in Lone Moose.

But there is
a minimum age required

of anyone in Toby's position:
18.

But get this--
the average eagle's lifespan

is only 18 years.

And I suspect
Toby is an early adolescent,

based on his talon size.

And his constant masturbation.

Toby is in violation
of town code?

Exactamundo.

Bring this to Roy
and demand that Toby steps down.

I would've done it years ago,

but it's political suicide

and I have dreams.

To put it simply,
I would like to be

president of the United States.

You didn't get me
my mitten back, Roy.

So now... (whispers):
I'm coming for your bird.

Ooh, I just gave myself chills.

So, you'll write something
that actually contributed

to your parents' split,

because it-- say it with me...

- OTHERS: Wasn't my fault.
- Correct.

For instance, in my divorce,

it's not my fault that Samantha
and I had different ideas

about saving money.

So, I might write "money."

Samantha also refused
to eat peas like a normal woman

and instead would bring
the whole plate--

the whole plate-- up to her lips

and roll them
into her open mouth.

So, I also might write "peas."

(inhales deeply, sighs)

Debbie, why don't you start?

Okay. My dad quit his job
to record an album

called Simply Ken.

And, now, here I am.

Well, let's see. Uh...

It was totally not my fault.

My mom-- also Moon's mom--
just met another guy.

At the dance studio
in Death Cliff.

He was actually my instructor,
Marcus.

And I introduced them.

On the evening
of my first recital.

I remember standing backstage.

But I didn't even get
to perform, because I saw...

Mom?

And Marcus?

Kissing?!
(wailing)

Paul Simon's Pee-Pee!

It was my fault!

(crying, chewing)

It was all my fault.

This club is a lie.

And this banana split
is a lie banana split.

Wolf, I can see that you're in,
uh, a lot of pain.

But you're scaring everyone.

Russell's day terrors are back.

-(Russell shrieks)
- I'm sorry,

but I have to ask you to leave.

But what about Moon?
He really needs me in there.

I don't think
you can help your brother

till you help yourself, Wolf.

Okay. I understand.

May I make myself a
replacement banana split to go?

Okay, I'm going.

♪ I can feel something
inside me say ♪

♪ I really don't think
Wolf's strong enough, oh! ♪

BEEF:
Uh, no, Ham,
it doesn't come like that.

I make the bacon into
a little smile on the pancake.

What about the French toast
with the strawberry lips?

Are you asking me
if the toast has lips, son?

- Morning, Honeybee.
Where's Wolf?
- He's in the guesthouse.

He's upset,
but I don't know what's wrong.

He said it had something to do
with cleaning out the van.

I bet he found an old
English muffin and ate it again

and doesn't want to tell me
he has diarrhea.

I'll go check on him.

All right,
I'm off to confront Roy.

We'd better come with you.
You know, as backup.

Also, maybe I want Mr. Wind

to run his fingers
through my hair again.

- Wolf?
- Oh, hey, Moon.

You can tell Coach Kiely
that I can buy my own ice cream,

'cause I'm a big boy with money.

I probably won't tell her that.

- Hey, do you maybe want
to go do something?
- Why?

I'll just end up ruining
something perfect.

Like I ruined
Mom and Dad's marriage

and your divorce club

and these pajamas.

Okay. But the thing is,

in health class, they told us we
need to start wearing deodorant,

so I need to go to
the drug store in Death Cliff.

Oh, Drug Cliff?

They have
a sick ibuprofen selection.

Yeah. Dad's busy, so I
was hoping you could take me.

Okay, fine.

But I'm not changing out
of these pajamas.

Not for anyone. Ever.

Except maybe for Barack Obama,
if he were to ask.

Or Michelle.

Or Malia. Or Sasha.

If I'm not back in 15 minutes,

honk the horn three times and
drive through his front door.

Or we could come with you.

Thanks, Beef, but this is
between the bird and the bee.

And the Roy.

Oh, you guys want to play
Action Movie while we wait?

Way ahead of you!
(grunting)

ROY:
Ooh, I hear someone outside.

Must be your birthday present
getting delivered,

my handsome Tobe-lerone.

Oh, it's you.

You've been a bad boy, Roy.

Don't mind the filing cabinets.

I feel it's important
to keep paper copies

of all the town budgets
because...

(whispers):
what if they hack the server?

What if who hacks the server?

Well, there are
a lot of threats out there.

Like, I don't know what it is,

but I keep hearing
about Mario Kart?

Well, I just came
to show you this.

Toby's too young
to hold office. Legally.

Either he steps down
or I go public.

Oh, no. What have I done?

I'm so sorry
to the people of Lone Moose.

Uh, they trusted us.

And I'm sorry to you.

I never wanted
to violate town code.

- So you knew?
- Of course I knew.

I have that book memorized.
I-I love town code.

More than anything in the world.

Well, except Toby.

If you love it so much,
why'd you break the code, Roy?

(sighs) I've always wanted
to work on the council.

Ever since I was a little boy.

But people wouldn't elect me.

They found me dry or boring.

After a couple failed campaigns,

I gave up my dreams
and moved out here.

And that's when
I was first attacked by Toby.

But then, much later,
he befriended me.

Because I left out
a ton of meat for him.

Then I read about a guinea pig
who was

Alaska's lieutenant governor

- in the 1950s...
- Wait,

a guinea pig
was lieutenant governor?

Eh, for a brief time.

He died in office.
He overheated.

You're really not supposed
to put them in little suits.

But inspiration struck.

I put Toby on the ticket with me
and, voilà,

I wasn't just the boring guy
with the plan for sewage reform.

I was the boring guy
with the plan for sewage reform

and the eagle. We won!

All I ever wanted to do
was help this town.

And be best friends
with an eagle.

And I was living the dream.

But I guess
we flew too close to the sun.

I mean, he did. I-I can't fly.

Toby and I will resign
at the council meeting.

-(screech)
- We won't work together anymore,

but he'll still be my guy.

HONEYBEE: You really do
love that bird, huh?

He's my best friend.

My only friend.

But rules are rules.

At least I lived my dream
for a little while.

You got me fair and square.

(quietly):
Oh, my God. I'm a dream killer.

I'm taking away
this man's kite camp.

Hold on.

Roy, if there's one thing
I don't do,

it's steal people's dreams.

If I can help you fix
this problem,

can you get my mitten back
from Toby's nest?

He might bite me.

Like, a lot. But I can try.

Let me look
at that town code real quick.

-(horn honking)
- Oh, no! Oh, no!

Don't drive into the house,
guys!

We're kind of friends now!

WOLF: All right,
time to get you some deodorant.

And I might treat myself to
a tiny little bottle of shampoo.

I love to imagine I'm a giant
who's washing his hair.

Wolf,
I don't actually need deodorant.

I brought you here
to deal with your past.

WOLF:
Oh, no! I forgot

the ding dang dance studio
was here!

Mambo number crap!

Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No way. No, no, no, no.

Wolf, this is what the Saturday
Splits is all about.

The only way to deal
with your empty heart bowl

is to fill it up
with the creamy truth.

(sighs)
You're right, Moon.

Let's get to scoopin'.

-(bell tinkles)
- Hello. Sorry to
bother you, ma'am.

Mary. Are you here
for Dubstep Delight?

Because Lace broke both
his knees, so it's canceled.

Actually, we're just hoping
to sort some events

that took place here
a few years ago.

- My brother, Wolf Tobin...
- Tobin?

Oh, I know exactly who you are.

You're Kathleen's kid.

My husband Marcus left me
for your mom.

Oh, my God.

So that makes you...

my mother?!

Oh, no, sorry.

It just means
I ruined your marriage, too.

And when he left, he saddled me
with this dance studio.

And I can't even dance.

Look.
(grunting)

This is genuinely the best
I can dance.

I'm so sorry.

My selfish desire to learn tap

ruined so many lives.

I'm gonna go stand by the car.

Wolf. Wolf! Look at this.

Oh. "Boomfunk!"

(chuckles)
That's fun to say.

No, Wolf, look at the picture.

Oh, my Dancing with the Stars.
That's...

- MOON: Mom.
- And, wait,

this picture is from way before
I ever took that tap class here.

So if Mom was here then,

I guess I didn't introduce her
to Marcus.

Yeah, they were running around
for years, and everyone knew it.

Except me, ole Mary.

This is amazing news!

And also very upsetting.

I'm very sorry
about your marriage, Mary.

But this means
it wasn't my fault!

It wouldn't have been
your fault either way, Wolf.

Even if you had introduced
Mom and Marcus,

this was 100% their fault.

And, honestly, I'm kind of glad

I don't have to deal
with Marcus anymore.

His fedora collection
took up the entire bathroom.

We got in so many fights

because I would
accidentally poop in his hats.

Moon, thank you
for bringing me here.

Gosh, I'm so friggin' impressed
by you.

You're mature and thoughtful
and smart and stuff.

I mean, it's insane
you turned out that way,

given what a frang dang mess
our family is.

Wolf, I wasn't lying when I said
I only go to Saturday Splits

for the ice cream.

My childhood has been wonderful.

I've always felt like I have
two pretty great parents,

Dad and... you.

I mean, you taught me
how to cartwheel.

- Brag.
- How to double-dip a French fry

without contaminating
the ketchup.

And, just today,
you dropped everything

to drive me out here
to buy deodorant.

I love you, Moon.

Love you, too, Wolf.

Whew. (chuckles)
You know what?

It might actually be time
to get that deodorant.

That's probably me.

It has been a morning.

Moon, if it's okay with you,

I think there's one more thing
I need to take care of

before we leave.

Okay! You guys ready?

Mary, count us in!

One, two, three, four.

What am I supposed to do? ♪

♪ Just sit around
and wait for you? ♪

Well, I can't do that ♪

There's just no turning back ♪

♪ Do you believe
in life after love? ♪

♪ After love, after love,
after love... ♪

I will now begin roll call.

Roy Fletcher. Present.

Toby Eagle. Present.

Gwen Jorgenson. Present.

Now the council will open itself
up to constituent questions.

(sighs) Well, if there are
no constituents present...

Hello! We're here to talk
about town code section 14.c58.

"Human and other types
of children

aren't allowed to hold office"?

That seems wrong.

Kids are capable
of great things.

What about Greta Thunberg?

And Malala?

And what about Cupid?

You like falling in love, right?

Anybody who has a dream
should at least get a chance

to live that dream.

Including children
and children eagles.

And, therefore, I hereby propose

the following changes
to the town code.

MOON:
I will say,

Coach Kiely has nothing
on your toppings game.

Well, she's not
the only life advice-based

ice cream club in town.

Now, we have a lot
to get through.

First, pretty soon, you're
gonna have to start shaving.

And the answer is, yes,
buy a lady razor.

They come with lotion strips.

Why deprive yourself of that?

Also, here's something else--

you don't have to measure
every foot-long sub you buy.

Sometimes,
you just have to trust.

♪ Every nook and cranny holds
some treasure of its own ♪

♪ When I whip open
my trash bag ♪

♪ They call me
Indi-van-a Jones ♪

♪ Don't bother me,
I'm in the van cleaning zone ♪

♪ Don't bother Wolf,
he's in the van cleaning zone ♪

♪ On an exploratory mission,
like Jacques Cousteau ♪

Or whoever dug up Rome ♪

♪ A baby tooth, a peanut,
an amethyst earring ♪

-♪ That's
my friggin' birthstone ♪
- Shh ♪

♪ Don't bother me,
I'm in the van cleaning zone ♪

-♪ Shh, don't bother Wolf,
he's in ♪
- Don't bother me, I'm in ♪

The van cleaning zone! ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.