All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S02E10.DSNP.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb.en[cc]

- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff ♪

- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

Catch some fish ♪

Or gaze at a bear ♪

Wow ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

JUDY: Glad we went
with this hefty green boy.

Yeah. Real trees have curves.

We need the branch strength.

My handmade,
nondenominational holiday orbs

are pretty heavy.

Physically and emotionally.

I know Christmas
is only two days away,

but I was just waiting for him
to get to 14 feet.

The perfect height for human
or Christmas tree.

At my current rate of growth,

I'll be 20 feet when I'm 35.

Spruce Springsteen
is looking very handsome.

Oh, heck yeah.
I'd let it happen.

- What does that mean?
- Come on, Honeybee.

This tree is smokin'.

When you're right, you're right.

Your gingerbread village
is already looking cute.

Do you do this every year, Ham?

Nope. Longtime eater,
first-time builder.

Every Christmas,
the cake lady, which is me,

builds a display for the
Maude's All-Day front window.

I'm calling this
the "It Tastes a Village

Lone Moose Christmas Gingerbread
Village Ham-stravaganza."

I love a long title,

like Fried Green Tomatoes
at the Whistle Stop Cafe.

They could've just called it
"Vegetable Diner,"

but instead she took it
to the limit.

Huh. I must be nervous
about making this.

I feel a little dizzy.

- Honeybee, may I have a word?
- What's up?

Is this a side conversation
or a panic room conversation?

I'm not quite panicked yet,

so let's have it
just outside the panic room.

Christmas is
my favorite holiday.

I love everything about it--
the lights, the food,

ignoring the religious part
because I'm not religious.

And I pride myself on getting
everyone the perfect present.

But your brother Jerry,
he's a bit of a mystery to me.

I went to all of
my favorite stores,

and I wound up with this.

(short laugh) Beef, my brother
owns four sweatshirts

and a desktop computer.

Why would you get him that?

I guess he could use it
to break his computer.

(groans) I just don't know
what Jerry likes.

He's a quiet fellow
and I'm a quiet fellow,

so I don't have
a lot of information.

And you want me to tell you
what to get him

so you don't have to
get out of your shell

- and talk to him more.
- Uh... yes.

Beef, take him out to dinner.

Dinner with an adult
I don't know that well?

Terrifying,
but I'm willing to try it

if it'll help me secure
a good gift for Jerry.

Tonight, I will invite him
to a friendship dinner.

I'll make it steaks
so we're chewing a lot

and there won't be
as much pressure to talk.

There you go.

Diondra Tundra

reporting live. The 12 Days
of Lone Moose are well underway.

Today featured the fishnog
tasting and the lighting of the

womenorah at
the feminist bookstore

Desperately Reading Susan.

And tomorrow, the unveiling
of the Gingerbread village

in the window
at Maude's All-Day.

-(groans)
- Ham, are you feeling okay?

(groans)
Am I feeling okay?

Yep.
Lone Moose is counting on me,

so I have to be feeling okay.

Just one quick question:

has this kitchen island
always been here?

- Hi, Beef.
- Hello there to you, Jerry.

Um, are you just coming
from a gig?

Oh, no. I walked, and
I wore my costume to keep warm.

You mind if I stash it
in your van?

Course, the van's
just out front there.

I don't like to wear it
while I'm eating.

I learned my lesson
at Saucy Wings.

The dry cleaning bill
was hundreds of dollars.

BEEF:
Well...

- Well.
- Well.

So... it looks like
they have baked potatoes.

Or salad for just $5.95.

Mmm, this is good soup.

And the soup spoons
are just the right depth.

I love this table.
Nice.

So, what do you like to do
when you're not Bigfooting?

Well, I usually play computer
games with some online friends.

And right now we're playing
Super Ranch Hands Seven,

and I earned the trust
of Alan the pony today.

What are your favorite
computer games, Beef?

- Absolutely none.
- Oh. Okay.

I tried Minesweeper once,
but it was so stressful

that I returned the computer
to the store.

- I'm more of an outdoor person.
- Hmm.

So, Jerry,
have you looked around town

at any of Lone Moose's stores
for Christmas presents?

No, I'm not much of a shopper.

Well, if you were in Fresno
for Christmas, wh...

Oh, if I was in Fresno
for Christmas,

I'd be working the holiday sale
at my parents' curtain store

in the morning, and then it'd be
time for Christmas dip.

- I love dip. What kind...
- Hold that thought.

We got beef, Beef.

Okay, that part's done.

Now I'm just gonna lay on
the floor to gather my strength.

Ham, you're burning up.

How could I be burning up
if I'm also freezing cold?

Okay, bud,
you are definitely sick.

Let's get you into
that comfy chair.

Oh, but who's gonna complete
the gingerbread village?

It won't be Christmas
without it.

(gasps) I can just see
the children of Lone Moose.

Their faces pressed up
against the window, crying.

Their tears freeze their faces
to the glass.

And the grizzly bears get word

and go to Maude's
and eat all the kids.

Is that what you want
for Christmas? Is it?

Ham, you're not making
any sense, friend.

We'll finish it for you, okay?

Okay. I drew a picture of it.
It's pretty self-explanatory.

The recipes for the 78 animals
I haven't made yet are on there.

All you have to do
is carve them,

bake 'em, and decorate them

and don't forget to,
uh, fram the gum.

Sorry, wha-what's "fram"?

You just have to gram
the frum da boo ba da...

Uh-oh, we're losing him.

-(snoring)
- Guys, this actually looks
really hard.

We'll have to fake it
till we bake it.

Lone Moose Christmas
is counting on us.

Thanks for dinner.
I had a good time.

Me too. And thanks
for telling me about

that fishing simulator game.

It would be a perfect gift
for me,

but, uh, what would be a perfect
gift for, I don't know, you?

Oh, no,
why is the van door open?

I swear I remember closing it.

No. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my Bigfoot costume's gone!

Who would want
a Bigfoot costume?

I mean, besides me,

who is Bigfoot at parties
for a living.

I'm sorry, Jerry.
I invite you to dinner

and now your costume is stolen.

And I have a couple of jobs
coming up.

I mean, I can't just
show up as myself.

I mean, they'll be like,
"Who's this guy?"

Oh, I left my phone
inside Bigfoot.

- Beef, can I use yours?
- Of course.

It's cracked,
but it's got good bones.

I can use the Find My Phone app.

My phone can find other phones?

I don't want
to owe a machine a favor.

- There it is.
- Huh. Looks like
it's at Winter World.

What's Winter World?

The year-round Christmas
theme park.

Originally, it was
called Water World,

but Kevin Costner sued.
So they drained it,

threw in a bunch of
Christmas trees with eyeballs,

- and called it Winter World.
- Let's go.

-(snoring)
- So, we've cooked all
the gingerbread sheets.

Now we just have to carve
78 Christmas animals.

Okay, let me take a crack
at a salmon.

Oh, no. I think we were supposed
to cut them into cookie shapes

before we put them in the oven.

Aw, mistleturd!

Hey, guys, I did it.

- Amazing. What is it?
- It's an otter.

Oh, sure. Yeah, now I see it.
It's just upside down.

Mm... No, it's not.

Let's all just
do the best we can.

Everyone choose a shape
and go for it.

Great 'tude,
my dearly beloved wife dude.

This Christmas train
is back on track.

(singsongy):
Ho, ho!

Sorry, we're closed
for a private event.

Oh, but something
was stolen from me,

and I think someone
in your park has it.

My boss will go nuts
if I let anyone in, sorry.

You can wait in the parking lot

and try to catch people
as they leave.

Just brainstorming.

I'm an ideas guy.

Yes, good idea.
Come along, Jerry.

Normally I wouldn't trespass,
but this is an emergency.

And I think I know
how we can blend in.

Hey, what are you doing
over here?

Everyone is supposed to be
working the party.

Oh, of course.
We're on our way.

Why are you walking
toward the penguin pool?

Oh, please don't steal
the penguin, guys.

If the penguin gets stolen
again this year,

I'm gonna get in big trouble.

Now can you just head
to the food court?

This is pretty fun.

I've never been
undercover before.

I just hope
we don't get in too deep.

Mary Stuart Masterson.

What is this? Some sort of
bizarro Santa Burning Man?

JERRY:
I'm not sure,

but one of
these strange St. Nick's

- probably has my phone.
-(laughter)

It's way too loud to just call
it and try to hear where it is.

I think what we have to do
is go person-to-person,

and while we're talking to them,

I'll call the phone
and see if we hear a ring.

- Are you talking about mingling?
- I-I hate it, too, Beef.

- Ooh, why don't we grab
a cup of conversation sauce?
- Great idea.

A little alcohol should add
some jingle to our mingle.

Gentlemen, a cup of
Terry Claus' famous punch?

Uh, sure.

Mmm. Lot of brown
solid bits in here.

Don't let it faze you,
act natural.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

All right,
we're both afraid to mingle,

but we'll do it together.
Safety in numbers.

Well...

- Well.
- Well.

Uh, are you guys trying
to start a conversation or...

Yes. Exactly.

Why aren't you guys in
your Terry Claus outfits?

Who's Terry Claus?

He's what this party's
all about, man.

We throw it every December 23.

Terry Claus
is the real Santa Claus.

His workshop is right here
in our town.

He has a flying moose,
a brown animal skin suit,

and his beard is blue
because he's cool like that.

Every year
we dress as Terry Claus,

we drink his traditional punch,

- and later we go to Claudia's
for the orgy.
- Okay.

(whispers): Call the phone,
Jerry, call the phone.

Oh, I'm starting to feel weird.

How much alcohol is in this?

None.
It's drugs.

Oh, uh, great.
I love drugs.

Which drugs are in here?

Mushrooms, man.

Uh, okay,
great talking with you.

I have no experience with drugs.

- I'm nervous.
- I've never done drugs, either.

But based on a video
Honeybee took of me

after I got my wisdom teeth
pulled out,

- I get pretty weird.
- Well, let's not panic.

We got through meeting
that stranger together.

We'll get through
this psychedelic trip together.

All right, everybody.
Time to kick off

the Lone Moose Terry Claus
karaoke competition.

Terry Claus, Terry Claus ♪

♪ He sees you
with his thousand eyes ♪

His evil moose, Geraldine ♪

♪ Pulls him through the deep,
black sky. ♪

Wow.

I know.
Wow.

I-I feel like there's something
we're supposed to be doing.

Yeah, what is our purpose?

No, I mean,
I think there's something

we're supposed to be doing
at this party.

But all I can picture is,
like, a large foot.

(gasps) And it has a face,
and it's weeping.

Huh. A big... foot.

- Bigfoot!
- Oh, right, right.

We need to find my costume.
We have to call the phone.

Yes, that's what we were doing.

-(phone ringing)
- I think I hear it ringing.

It's closer.

(chuckles): Look, Jerry,
your favorite-- Christmas dip.

Not now, Beef.

- Hey!
-(panting)

(gasps)
Potato Patty?

You know this person?

You got me, Jerry.
You got me.

Can I have my beard back now?
It's a rental.

Potato Patty? You took my
costume? You took my phone?

- It's almost Christmas.
- I did.

Why are you calling her
Potato Patty?

Oh, because she dresses
as a potato and holds the sign

outside the Loaded Baked Potato
Juice Booth at the mall.

I know that place.
I got diarrhea from there.

Yup.
Potato juice will do that.

Where's my Bigfoot costume?

I don't have it.
Dick Chateau does.

Who's Dick Chateau?

Richard Chateau is the richest
person in Lone Moose.

He's a local big game hunter
and lives in Chateau Chateau.

Why would a rich dude
want my costume?

And why would you
take it for him, Patty?

Eh, I didn't take it.

I just told him
it was in the van.

And then I watched him take it.

He let me keep the phone
as a tip.

How could you
go against the costume code?

We're supposed to look out
for one another.

It's easy to believe
in the costume code

when you have a great costume
like Bigfoot.

My costume is awful.

I do remember your potato suit
looking like--

and forgive me--

an open wound topped
with chives and cheese.

There's also a really gross
translucent sour cream swirl.

Anyway, you'll have to go see
him if you want it back. Bye.

Not so fast, Patty.

You're coming with us
to help get that costume back.

Fine, but I get to ride shotgun.

Actually, we need you to drive
because we both drank mushrooms.

Jerry just now stopped looking
like pure energy to me.

Okay, we are well on our way
to saving Christmas,

but now we are out of...
everything.

So we're gonna
have to improvise.

We were supposed
to do gumdrop rooftops,

but what about-- hear me out--
salami shingles?

I have a bunch of bird bones.

We could use those to make
the candy cane fences.

They're not edible,
but they're clean.

And I've got some press-on nails

that could make
for a colorful walkway.

Can I just say,
I love Ham's vision,

but...
we might be improving it.

Oh, it's a glow-up for sure.

JERRY:
So, this is
Dick Castle's castle?

Dick Chateau's chateau.

- Eh, potato, "potahto."
- Ugh! I hate that saying.

No one's ever said "potahto,"
and you know it.

- So, what's
the plan here, anyway?
- Simple.

We ask Dick for Jerry's costume,
and then we leave.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure the rich guy

who paid me
to steal a Bigfoot costume

is just gonna
hand it over to us.

Hello and welcome
to Chateau Chateau.

I'm the butler, Karen Butler.
How may I help you?

Hello. We're here to speak
with Richard Chateau.

He has my young friend's
costume.

(sighs)
Fine.

I'm gonna have you wait in here.

But when I open the door,
please don't gasp.

Gasping is my pet peeve.

-(all gasp)
- What did I just say? (groans)

I'll go get Mr. Chateau.

What is this?

Oh, I remember this costume.

He was the party store's
discount Barney, named Blarney.

And there's Billy Bratt
the Butter Pat from Toast by Jan

and Certifiably Elaine
from the notary.

I love costumes,

but this collection--
how can I put this--

- feels psychotic.
- CHATEAU: Thank you.

-(groups gasps)
- Guys, again, the gasps.

Well, hello there
"Potahto" Patty and friends.

- Does he have a British accent?
- Indeed.

Is he British?

No, he's originally from Seward.

Is this a costume?
Hmm. It's very lifelike.

Um, no.
I'm a human man.

I'll take your word for it.

What is it that brings you
to the chateau

this holiday afore night?

You have something of mine.
My Bigfoot costume.

Ah, yes.
I finally bagged my white whale.

- Why do you steal costumes?
- For the hunt.

- Allow me to explain myself
at length.
- Oh, boy.

I was once
an actual big game hunter.

I traveled all over Alaska,

killing some of
its most beautiful animals.

Then Game Warden Burt said

I'm no longer
legally allowed to hunt

just because I was shooting
endangered species.

I was so bored, I barely
had any blood on my hands.

It was terrible.
Then one day,

I spotted the mascot
for the Polar Bear panini shop.

Sure, he makes no sense--
Why would a polar bear make

a hot sandwich?

To stay warm or to eat it.

Please do not respond
to my musings.

I saw that enormous, gorgeous
white-hot sandwich bear.

I had to have him.

The bear's human inhabitant
stored the costume

in an unlocked shed.
I nabbed it,

and suddenly I felt like
Dick Chateau again.

And I've been collecting
ever since.

But you-- your costume
is always locked away

or upon your person.

But tonight...
(clicks tongue)

you let your guard down
and left it in an unlocked van.

Oh, no, I did leave
the van unlocked.

I guess I was distracted.
I was nervous about our dinner.

You were nervous
about having dinner with me?

I'm just Beef.

But to be honest,
I was pretty nervous, too.

Oh.
Well, I understand.

I'm pretty shy and a one-on-one
dinner was a lot of pressure,

- but I think...
- Hey, shy boys.

Dick Chateau talking.

We just need to get
Jerry's costume back.

- We're willing to pay you any...
- No.

This was my Christmas gift
to myself. The perfect present.

The perfect present can't be

something you stole
from someone else.

It has to be
a carefully curated choice,

made to make someone else
very happy

for just a brief shining moment.

It doesn't have to be expensive.

It just has to say, "Hey, man,
I see you and I get you."

It's the frigging spirit
of frigging Christmas.

Sorry, could you repeat that?

- I dozed off.
- Damn it.

Look, is there anything
we can offer you?

Some kind of trade?

Hmm.
A trade.

Perhaps I could
give back the costume

in exchange for you
indulging in the Moltening.

- Get the Moltening sacks.
- BEEF: Moltening sack?

You all wear costumes
on the outside.

What if you knew what your
costumes were on the inside?

Are you gonna
perform surgery on us?

No.
Although that's a fun idea.

Stop talking.

Oh, no, he's gonna
put us in bags.

Yes, but not in a bad way.

Step one, you will
don this nude hosiery.

Step two,
I will cover you in glue.

Step three, you will
enter these burlap sacks

filled with feathers, glitter,
googly eyes and paint.

My butler will then
tie them shut around your neck,

and you will have to wriggle
your way out of the cocoon

and emerge in your true form.

Then, you shall
remove that costume,

and I will hang it upon my wall.

A one of a kind treasure

that no other costume hunter
in the world owns.

There are no other
costume hunters in the world.

Beef, we don't have to do this.

We've come so far tonight.

We had dinner together.
We snuck into an amusement park.

We drank drugs
for the first and last time

because I did not enjoy it.
We mingled.

And you know what?
I had fun.

I say we push ourselves
one more time,

get in these bags,
and get your costume back.

Are you sure
you're not still high?

Oh, I am definitely still high.

But I also believe
in what I'm saying.

All right then.
Let's molt.

Well, have fun moltening.
I'll see you in several days.

Days?
But we'll miss Christmas.

(scoffs) The elephant seal
takes 30 days to molt.

- Consider yourselves lucky.
-(door closes)

You guys, uh, want to play
a guessing game or something?

Hey, I'm thinking of a number
between one and one billion.

- Jerry, take a guess.
- I don't know. 12?

Right. Huh.

What should we do now?

(grunts)
Boy, this is tight.

Now I understand why
mummies are mad all the time.

We have got to get out of here.

We can't miss Christmas
with the family.

Yeah, I'm also very worried
that gentleman will kill us.

-(sobbing)
- What's wrong?

Other than being trapped
in a sack.

I just feel terrible.

I tried to act like it was okay
before, but it's not okay.

I broke the costume code

because Dick Chateau
offered me 40 bucks.

- 40 bucks?
- And a two liter of Pepsi.

Have you had a Pepsi?

It's so good.

I'm sorry. I... I'm stupid
and I'm a potato.

(sighs)
You're not stupid, Patty.

And you're not really a potato.

I want to make it up
to you guys.

I think we can escape
and find the costume.

Follow me. Quietly.
(grunts)

-(grunting)
- I can actually

open the door with my mouth.
My old potato outfit

didn't allow arm movement,
so I got pretty good at it.

I can also open the door
to my Corolla with my chin.

(all grunting)

Okay, guys, look out.
Stairs.

- We just have to go
for it-it-it-it-it...
-(grunting)

Oh. I could have just
untied these with my mouth.

(chuckles)
But the stairs were fun, right?

Open the bags, Patty.

There she is!

You guys escaping?

- No.
- Calm down.

I'll help you.
It's Christmas,

and you're the nicest captives
we've ever had.

-(bell chimes)
- CHATEAU: Butler, I'm coming
down for my bedtime fruits.

- Hurry, go.
- Thank you!

(panting)

Oh, my God, it's freezing.

I haven't been this cold
since my last Christmas dip.

Why would Christmas dip
make you cold?

"Christmas dip" is when
me and my dad take a dip

in the Pacific Ocean
on Christmas.

Crazy cold but also crazy fun.

I'm pretty bummed
that I can't do it this year.

-(sobbing)
- Now what's wrong?

I'm just sad you can't do your
Christmas dip with your dad.

CHATEAU:
Come back, my beauties!

-(gunshot)
- Is he shooting at us?

- JERRY: I told you.
- Go! Move!

- Go, go, go, go!
- Drive, drive, drive, drive!

JERRY:
Hey, look, it's after midnight.

Merry Christmas Eve, everybody.

(gasps)
They did it! Wow.

I can't believe
they were able to...

Oh, no.

- Are those pepperonis?
- Yep.

-(yawning)
- You're looking at
a Christmas miracle, bud.

Oh. Hmm.

Now, can anyone walk me through

why half of this village
is burned down

while the other half is wet?

Yes, we decided
to make the womenorah

and tried to light it,
but that started a fire.

And Honeybee bravely put it out,
but it flooded half the village.

Wow.
It's all so beautiful.

Yeah, I could never
part with this.

I'm gonna quickly
make another one,

and we can just keep
this beautiful treasure for us.

So, we can eat this one?
Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, who's idea was it to cut up
the kitchen sponge?

Because it's not bad.

♪ ♪

Here you go, Jerry.

A wetsuit.
(gasps) Is this for...

Yes, a Christmas dip.

Well, thanks, Beef.
It's perfect.

A carefully chosen gift

to give me moment
of perfect happiness.

- You nailed it.
- Thank God I didn't hammer it.

I say that because I originally
bought you a hammer.

Oh, yeah, that would've been
a real bad gift.

Merry Christmas, friend.

And to you, pal.

One, two, three!

(whooping, shivering)

Aah! This was a mistake!

This wetsuit is doing nothing!
Get out!

Here I come!

- Wolf, no!
- Christmas dip! (laughs)

♪ Potatoes are the reason
for the season ♪

♪ They're awful nice and warm
when you're freezin' ♪

♪ Give one to your pal Janet
and one to that guy Steven ♪

♪ Potatoes, they're the food
we can believe in ♪

♪ Wrapped up in foil,
under the tree ♪

A potato for little Timmy ♪

♪ Get your sweetheart
a tuber from the ground ♪

They'll come around ♪

♪ When they see
that Christmas tater mound ♪

♪ Potatoes are the reason
for the season ♪

♪ Potatoes, they're
the food you can believe in. ♪

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