Original subtitles

- Look up there ♪ - What do you see? ♪

Nature and stuff ♪

- Like a rock ♪ - And a tree ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

Catch some fish ♪

Or gaze at a bear ♪

Wow ♪

Oh, the Great North ♪

Here we live, oh, oh ♪

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

BEEF: Hello, boys.

- How's the homework? - You know, Dad,

I've never thought to ask.

How are you, polynomials?

I'm getting nothing.

I see Moon is outside doing his daily perimeter watch.

Yep. So far, no bogeys.

Ah, poor guy. He would love to see a bogey.

Come on, bogeys. (sighs)

Another all clear.

Wait!

I got one!

Oh, no. Is that...? No, no, no, no, no! (groans)

Code Chartreuse!

Code Chartreuse? Grab the binder!

Burgundy, cerulean,

chartreuse. Oh, no, no!

Great Gary's Gonads.

- It can't be. - What's Tusk?

TUSK: Tobins, I know you're in there.

I can hear Wolf. He breathes really loud through his nose.

(breathes loudly through nose)

(whispering): I do not.

(laughs) Ol' Beef.

HONEYBEE: Ugh, look at it.

That's prime kiosk real estate right there.

And it'll be all mine when I win

the "Kiss the Kiosk" competition this Friday night.

Okay, now, walk me through

this whole "Kiss the Kiosk" thing again.

Are you judged based on how romantic the kiss is?

It's actually a three-part contest

where you have to keep a body part on the kiosk

as long as possible.

The first round is "Hug the Hut."

Second round is "Butts on a Booth."

And in the third round,

whoever kisses it the longest gets to kiss it forever.

It's based on how we used to decide

who got to be governor of Alaska.

I did not know having a kiosk was your big dream, Honeybee.

I didn't either, until recently.

I've been reading Guy Fieri's new book,

I Believe I Can Guy, and it's really helping me

believe in myself. He made me think,

"Why shouldn't I sell my leggings at a mall kiosk?"

Ooh, are you sure you want to do that?

Mall kiosking is a pretty cutthroat lifestyle.

Really? Everybody seems like they're having fun.

Like the light-up flyer toy dude

and my friend Leslie of Leslie's Lotions.

- Oh, there she is. - Honeybee, hey!

Hey, Leslie! Busy day?

Bulbs above my kiosk went out again.

Been working at this mall so long,

I feel like I could maintain the whole place myself.

See you at "Kiss the Kiosk" on Friday.

Wait, she's gonna try to win another kiosk?

Yup.

She has an idea for hand soaps that smell like soups.

They're called Soup Soaps.

I'd have to stop myself

from eating my own hands, but I love it.

TUSK: I know, it sounds crazy,

but I've cleaned up, doing my 12 steps.

I've cut out the booze,

the liquid cocaine, the regular cocaine,

and I no longer participate

in the black market for endangered animals.

Not the same guy I used to be.

Oh, good, because that guy almost got my son killed,

and if he was here, I'd certainly glare at him.

Like this.

Tusk Johnson's on his way here, and-- Oh.

Well, guess I'll go put on some tea, then.

Tusk, what are you really doing here?

Well, that's the big news. Your old pal Tusk is getting married.

- Congratulations. - Impossible.

Come on. To a human?

Or is this like that situation in France

where the lady married a bridge?

I'm marrying Doris.

You remember, my gal pal from the bar.

Yes. She threw up on our doormat.

That's my angel. We got sober together.

And it turns out, you can get knocked up at 53. Who knew?

Anyway, baby's due next month, wedding's this weekend,

and I just wanted to stop by and, uh,

say I'm sorry, and ask you to give me a second chance.

Well, Tusk, you did lie to me,

turn me and my dad against each other,

and let me dangle for my life over a canyon,

but I can't stay mad at you.

Second chance initiated.

That means a lot, Wolf. Beef? Second chance-a-rooni?

Fine.

Thank you, Beef. Oh, one other thing.

Ah, here we go.

I was thinking of having a bachelor party.

Sweet!

And I was hoping that maybe you could throw it for me.

Something simple, like on your boat.

I sold mine after I got sober.

Needed the money for a family car.

Before that, I was just renting the boat out

for porno shoots anyway.

If you've seen a porno, it's probably been shot on my boat.

- Go ahead, name a porn. - I'd rather not.

Yup, shot on my boat. Name another.

- No, sir. - Also shot on my boat. Name another.

- This is so fun. - Yup, parts one and two.

- I feel uncomfortable. - Again, shot on my boat.

- What's a porno? - That one, too. Very educational.

Orgy Ahoy?

That was shot on a soundstage, believe it or not.

Uh, Wolf, can I speak to you out on the porch for just a moment?

If you want to talk wedding gifts for Tusk and Doris,

I know for a fact that they adore cigarettes.

Wolf, we cannot throw that man a bachelor party on our boat.

I don't trust him.

But you just said you'd give him a second chance, Dad,

and if you say it, you got to mean it.

Remember you always used to think that the checkout lady

at the grocery store, Connie,

would always manhandle your bread?

But then you tried self-checkout,

and what happened?

I dropped and then stepped on my bread.

That's right. You dropped it and you stepped on it,

and Connie came over and gave you new bread,

and you gave her a second chance,

and your bread's been A-OK ever since.

My point is,

sometimes you got to give people an opportunity to be better,

a real second chance.

Fine, let's throw a bachelor party on our boat

for a man that almost murdered you.

That's the stuff.

Now, what do you say, father-son forgiveness snuggle?

Bring it in, Dad.

Tusk, will you make me the happiest man in the world

and have your bachelor party on our boat?

Yes! (laughs) Oh, thank you so much.

Me, Doris, and Adonis won't forget this.

Yeah, we're naming it Adonis, boy or girl.

If it's a girl, Adonis Rebecca. If it's a boy, Adonis Mike.

How's party planning going, babe?

Well, I've already got the perfect guest list:

me, Dad, Jerry, Moon, Ham, and Crispin.

Doesn't Tusk have any friends of his own?

I guess there's his old sidekick Dan.

The guy he used to make do

all the dangerous stunts on his show?

Yeah,

but Dad and I are pretty sure he's dead,

so that's probably a touchy subject.

But enough about Tusk's party. I'm so excited for you

to compete in the kiosk competition.

Just remember, if it gets down to the wire,

try the tortoise move.

You just shout, "Hey, look, a tortoise!"

Then watch your competitor's concentration shatter,

because who wouldn't want to see a tortoise?

And you've actually tried this?

Thought of it just now, but, trust me, it's solid.

Hey, it's the man of the hour.

Welcome to bach-town, baby. Population: you.

And the rest of us, so, uh, like, seven people.

This looks great, Wolf. All my favorite buds are here.

You, your dad, your child brothers,

this guy...

Hey, I'm Jerry, and I have no idea who you are either.

I just know I'm not supposed to trust you.

(laughs) Easy, Jerry. Where'd you hear that?

I'm bad at lying. He heard that from me.

That's fair. Jerry, truth is, I used to be a bit of a bad seed,

and now I'm trying to be a good tree,

but trust is earned, not given.

All right, time to pull up anchor and set sail.

If this boat's a-moving, Tusk's party is grooving.

Wait. Wait up.

I'm looking for Tusk Johnson's bachelor party?

-(Wolf and Beef gasp) - Well, split my wood.

Oh, my God. It's Tusk's old sidekick Dan.

Dan, great to see you and tell you face-to-face,

I'm sorry I let you take the fall on that bogus land deal.

I was a different person back then.

Oh, no biggie. Jail wasn't all bad.

I had a job in the prison cafeteria,

so I got to put extra oatmeal in my pockets.

When you didn't respond to my Evite,

I figured you weren't coming.

Well, I-I mean, I guess I was mad at you

when I was in jail, but I'm out,

and I can eat sour cream and onion chips whenever I want,

so my life is perfect now, and all is forgiven.

Would you look at that?

Two of my best friends being best friends again.

I mean, I know I just met you, Dan,

but I got a great feeling about it.

Now, let me walk everyone through tonight's P-plan.

That's short for party plan. We got a snow cone machine,

a banging bag of chips, a cake by Ham...

With a special Tusk Johnson surprise on the inside.

If it's a puppy, I will be so excited.

We've also got the Ship-N-Slide inflatable for Moon,

and to cap off the evening,

a sweet-ass laser light dubstep show that, believe it or not,

I found on Craigslist.

- I believe it. - But, right now,

who's ready for Lone Moose's number one

nautical-themed a cappella group?

Hi, I'm Captain Randy, and we're

the New Kids on the Dock. Two, three, four...

♪ What a boat, what a boat, what a boat ♪

What a mighty good boat... ♪

I guess it's official,

I don't like music.

You're gonna do great, Honeybee.

Just imagine that kiosk is a door,

and you're Kate Winslet floating in the freezing cold ocean,

and if Leonardo DiCaprio or any extras try to get on,

- you just kick them off. - Great plan, Judy.

- Hello there. I'm Ruthina. - I'm Honeybee.

My name's Dabbie. Maybe you've heard of my online store,

Dabbie's Crabby Babbies.

I sell a line of baby bibs with pictures of crabs on them.

Hey, Honeybee. Oh, my gosh, look at...

(singsongy): u-us.

All women over here. Uh, can you say girl power?

Yeah. Girl power. That's easy to say.

Why would anyone not be able to say that?

Good evening. I'm the mall administrator,

Mr. Jarvis Dufraine, for those who don't know me,

and for those who do know me, yes, I did get a new haircut.

I'm not sure I love it, but I'm not sure

- I'm ready to talk about it. - It's all right.

I just said I'm not ready to talk about it.

Okay, now before we Hug The Hut,

please join me in a moment of silence

for the previous owner of this kiosk, Burt Galasky,

who recently died doing what he loved, being in his kiosk.

Oh, my God. Someone died in this kiosk?

You're so brave to be here

because everyone knows, late in pregnancy,

a thin portal between our world and the netherworld opens up.

Leslie, stop scaring her.

I'm not. I'm just saying, in her condition,

it's very easy for a ghost to get in her baby.

Okay, that's enough silence. Everybody, hug the hut.

Listen, if my water breaks

while we're still hugging this thing,

one of you will have to deliver this baby.

I delivered all six of my own kids in a cedar bath,

so if push comes to shove,

we can get in the fountain and go for it.

Can I get your phone number for when I have kids?

- Yes, it's four. - Just four?

I'll tell you the rest later.

Gonna be a long night, don't want to run out of conversation.

Bee-bop-a-doo-bop, boats! ♪

Hey, great party, fellas.

I haven't had this much sober fun

since the hallway carnival at my rehab.

I'm a little nervous about this wind and my laser light show.

Eh, what's a little wind?

I'm sure the ol' Kathleen can take it.

Hmm... you seem very interested

in keeping us out here in this weather.

Classic Tusk.

If he wants to stay out, we're gonna stay out.

And if he wants a bag of blood, he gets a bag of your blood.

Uh-oh, guys, looks like we're in serious Trouble.

We're also in serious Scrabble, Parcheesi, and Operation.

I'm in. Ooh, let's play Operation.

I took my own appendix out in the wild once,

and I was not bad at it.

Hey, uh, Beef? Quick word?

Listen, I'm a little concerned

that Tusk might be up to something here tonight.

Only because he's always up to something.

I had those same concerns, but I'm prepared.

- I've got a detachable radio... - Mm-hmm.

-...an extra set of boat keys... - Mm-hmm.

...and our exact nav data in the cabin.

What about a way to defend yourself?

I'm sure it won't come to that,

but I've got an antique trident in the hold for predatory birds.

I wouldn't be opposed to using it for predatory turds,

if you know what I mean.

(chuckles) Yeah, you're saying Tusk is a turd.

(chuckles) Yup. You nailed it, buddy.

That ends round one.

Contestants, now please turn around

and put your butts on the booth.

You're doing great, Honeybee.

Your butt's looking super solid so far.

Oh, I love putting my butt on things.

I once put my butt on Pierce Brosnan

for a few moments at a farmers market

while he was selecting some rhubarb,

but I didn't get to keep him afterwards.

Okay, Honeybee. Keep your butt on the prize.

Oh, so nice that you have good people here to support you.

What about you? Any family or friends in the crowd?

No, no. Kids moved away

and the old hubs died last month

when a tree fell on him in our orchard.

I've always said you can't trust trees.

They're jealous of us 'cause we get to walk around.

Anyway, now I pass the time making little figurines

from that very tree for revenge.

I need the kiosk so I can have a place to sell them.

Uh-oh. I felt the baby kick.

Do you think the ghost got in there?

- No. - Probably.

I know for a fact there's a really nasty poltergeist

that hangs out in the Gags and Goofs store over there.

- Leslie! - No. No. This isn't worth it.

Too many ghosts. I can't let them get in my baby. I can't.

Oh, no, Dabbie.

When the working day is done ♪

♪ Oh, boats, they want to have fun ♪

♪ Oh, boats just want to have ♪

Fun. ♪

Let's hear it for the New Kids on the Dock.

Okay, everybody, the doctor is here,

and he's about to perform some laser sky surgery.

(imitates lasers shooting)

ALL: Whoa!

Getting a little too choppy out here for my liking.

We'd better head back in.

But, Dad,

the party was just getting started.

Actually, Wolf, I think your dad is right.

No, Tusk, I said-- Oh. Yes, correct, I am right.

Okay, I'll head into the cabin and steer us home.

- Ha! - Dan, what are you doing?

Back it up, Beef Breath. This ship isn't going anywhere.

DAN: I'll hit you with the bullet points on this.

One, I am still pissed at Tusk. Two, prison hardened me,

and I did nothing but think of how to get revenge

the whole time, even on visiting magician night.

Listen, Dan, I know you're mad at Tusk,

but you don't want to do this.

Of course I want to do this.

Did you not just hear everything I said?

Prison? Revenge? Visiting magician?

Now, Tusk,

remember those smugglers you double-crossed

by getting them to buy a bunch of baby ostriches?

Oh, right. I told them they were baby pterodactyls

and they could open a Jurassic Park franchise.

They were very dumb.

Well, those smugglers are still pissed

and they're gonna be here any second

so I can hand you over to them and get $2,000.

Two? I bet you could've gotten five. They hate me.

Wait, really? Five? I mean, shut up, Tusk.

JARVIS: Again, my apologies.

Some kind of short in the system

has shut off all the heaters in the mall.

We're working on getting them back up.

Oh, I don't think I'm gonna last much longer in this cold.

Very lucky that you're wearing that parka, Leslie.

- Huh. - What do you mean, "Huh"?

It is pretty convenient

that you happen to be all bundled up indoors

and then the heat mysteriously shorts out.

I wore it because this is my lucky parka.

Worn this baby to four colonoscopies,

and they went great. Polyp-free, baby.

You're always bragging to me about how you've been working

at this mall for so long that you know it inside and out.

What are you saying, Honeybee?

That I know this mall so well I was able

to preset the heaters to shut off at a certain time

so that I could win this kiosk, which I deserve?

Well, that wasn't exactly what I was thinking, but now it is.

And I guess you think I made up those ghost stories

just to scare Dabbie away, too.

Uh, yes, now I'm also thinking that.

Look, you want to be in the kiosk biz, Honeybee,

you better toughen up. Everybody's like this--

the flying toy guy, the calendar lady.

There's a reason I don't know their names.

We are not friends.

You wouldn't be able to hack it, Honeybee.

Neither would that old lady right there

who wants to sell fancy sticks at a mall.

Sticks, my ass. They're figurines. (shudders)

Here, sweetie, use my body heat.

Oh, thank you. The second digit in my phone number is six.

Ugh, this is all my fault.

I just had to throw this party.

Actually, it might be my fault.

No, no, guys. I'm the one who invited Dan.

But I may know a way we can get out of this.

I happen to know he's terrible with a spear.

I'm telling you, he couldn't stab

the broad side of a barn, and we tried.

I literally tried to make him stab a barn,

and he couldn't do it.

If we work together, we can take him

before he can stab one of us, or at least before

he can stab one of us in a vital organ.

It's not a terrible plan.

It's better than the one I had in mind,

which, honestly, where would we even get the detonator

or the nuclear material?

All right, Tusk, let's give it a try.

Okay, here's what we do,

I'll create a distraction and then...

- BOTH: Hello. - Ah, panther penis.

(gasps) Uh-oh, the smugglers.

Okay, why does everyone have a trident?

Is it weird, or is it weird that I don't have a trident?

Oh, hi, everybody. I'm Cal and this is my twin sister Jennifer.

And we're smugglers. Ta-da!

So, whose boat is this?

- It's my dad's. - It is gorgeous.

Hey, guys. Here's Tusk Johnson. You can take him off the boat,

and I'll be taking two grand and one of these lifeboats.

Not so fast, sidekick.

You were with Tusk back then,

that means you double-crossed us, too.

We're taking both of you.

What? Wait. What are you gonna do with me?

I don't know. What do you think, bro?

I don't know. What do you think, sis?

I don't know. What do you think, bro?

No idea. What do you think, sis?

Are they gonna k...

You know what? We don't have to have

our entire hostage plan figured out right now.

That's a great attitude, just enjoy the journey.

But twin sis and I have great news for you, bushy beard.

We're giving you a brand-new boat,

and we're taking yours.

Oh, come on, these people aren't involved.

Take me, but leave their boat.

No can do, Tusk.

Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Smuggler,

could I take the inflatable bouncy slide?

Oh, great call, Moon. It's a rental, too,

and I really don't want to lose my deposit on that bad boy.

Sure. We're not monsters.

The deposit on those inflatable party things is insane.

We totally get it. We have kids.

Oh. Together?

And can we take the cake? I worked really hard on it.

That's fine. We're doing a keto thing anyways.

We want to look good for the wedding photos.

And you're marrying...?

All right. Let's get you guys over to your new ride.

There she goes.

I've lost another Kathleen.

Two, three, four.

-♪ Oh, what a boat, what a boat... ♪ - Guys, no.

Those were some of the most poorly tied knots

I've ever had the displeasure of untying.

Well, seems like they disabled this boat, so we're stuck here.

Chitty-chitty dang-dang.

Sorry, Dad. Feels like this was all my fault.

Actually, son, this was my fault.

I was so blinded by my mistrust of Tusk,

I let my guard down with someone I barely knew.

What do you mean?

I was so worried about Tusk that I trusted Dan.

I let him trick me into giving him

everything he needed to hold us hostage.

I basically gave him the trident.

But my biggest problem is, I didn't follow your example.

If I'd listened to you

when you said to give someone a real second chance,

this wouldn't have happened.

I stepped on my bread all over again.

Well, do you want to follow my example now, Dad?

'Cause I may have a haphazard, ill-conceived way

- to get back to the boat. - Sounds perfect.

Are you sure you guys

are gonna be able to catch the boat using this?

Nope, but Tusk was right, they are very dumb,

and they are steering the Kathleen right into the wind,

so she's gonna list around in a circle,

and we're gonna pass right by her.

- Ham, you got the remote? - Uh-huh.

- You know what to do? - Yup.

But hold on, Wolf. The cake surprise.

I baked a stainless steel tusk into the cake,

you know, for Tusk. Take it.

So that's why you wanted the cake, so we'd have a weapon.

Actually, I just really wanted everyone to get a piece.

The weapon was kind of a bonus.

All right, Dad, let's bounce.

Crap, this thing's busted.

We're supposed to be doing keto anyway, Jennifer.

I can only eat so many salami cheese roll-ups

dipped in mayo, Cal.

I think that's the signal.

Oh, good. I thought those were the northern lights,

and I was like, "Damn, the northern lights are garbage."

Jennifer, what does "een-gene" mean?

I don't know. How do you spell it?

E-N-G-I-N...

(dubstep music playing)

Aah! What's happening?

(chuckles) Wolf, you son of a gun.

Well, lads, shall we sing our grand finale song?

♪ He lives in the woods and survives on the land ♪

♪ And he never met a beast that he couldn't tame ♪

♪ He'll take down a bear, fight a wolf in his lair ♪

♪ If you live in the wild, then you know his name... ♪

- Tusk! - Tusk Johnson, mountain man ♪

♪ Living in the woods just because he can ♪

-♪ Tusk Johnson, mountain man... ♪ - I caught it.

And now I'm throwing it.

♪ Did we mention that Tusk has a sidekick, Dan? ♪

Ah, so close.

(chuckles, grunts)

Tusk! ♪

Well, the twins shouldn't give us any more trouble.

We'll take them back to shore and hand them over to Edna.

She's the owner of the boatyard and the chief of police.

She also runs the sticker store.

Oh, could you ask her to put us in the same jail cell?

And what are you guys gonna do with me?

I think that's up to Tusk.

Dan, I get why you did what you did.

I treated you like crud for years,

and I got you thrown in jail.

I just want to offer you my amends once more.

You know what, Tusk?

(water splashes)

-(whimpering) - Wow.

- He's bad at swimming, too, huh? - He sure is.

Should we throw him a rope?

Nah, he's climbing aboard over there.

Does he know that their boat's disabled?

- DAN: Damn it! - Now he does.

DAN: Stupid Dan.

Tusk, I guess I owe you an apology.

Oh, no, you don't.

Thanks for throwing me a very memorable bachelor party.

You know, I might just name the baby

Adonis Beef. Middle name: Adonis Wolf.

JARVIS: Well, it's getting late,

but we've got three contestants still kissing that kiosk.

I believe I can Guy. I believe I can...

(snores)

Honeybee. Hey, Honeybee.

Guy Fieri? What are you doing here?

Well, I'm kind of worried about this competition.

I thought we could have a little "Guy" talk. Get it?

'Cause your name is Guy. (laughs)

That's hilarious. Is there anything you can't do?

I can't wear my hair flat.

This is my natural color and shape. It's just how it grows.

It's beautiful.

I know, but listen, Honeybee,

are you sure this kiosk is what you really want?

Do you really want to end up like Lotion Leslie?

Moist but miserable?

Being successful doesn't mean being cutthroat.

That's what Food Network's Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

is all about-- supporting small restaurateurs across the nation.

Helping people-- that's the "key-osk" to a happy life.

You do that, and the Guy's the limit.

Thank you, Mr. Fieri, and, um,

you got some queso in that hair triangle under your lip.

Honeybee, it's always there, just in queso.

-WOLF: Hey, Honeybee. - Wolf?

She's still in it. There's only three people left.

You can do this, babe. I believe you can Guy.

Looks like the old lady's about to kiss this kiosk goodbye.

GUY: Helping people--

that's the key-osk

-to a happy life. - Ooh, Leslie!

- Leslie, look, a tortoise. - A tortoise? Where?

Uh-oh, and now there's just two.

Wait, that is not fair. Who wouldn't want to see a tortoise?

I give up. I give up.

Oh, wait a minute now, and Ruthina Jean wins the kiosk.

(gasps) I-I won?

Sweetie, what did you just do?

This was your dream.

Ruthina really needs this

because a tree fell on her husband, so I helped her,

and that's the most Guy Fieri thing I could do.

How was the bachelor party?

Oh, it was great. We almost died!

And don't even get me started on the snow cone machine.

I'm the mall administrator ♪

♪ You can see me now or catch me later ♪

♪ For those who haven't met me, here is my name ♪

- It's Jarvis Dufraine ♪ - It's Jarvis Dufraine ♪

♪ That's my name, people shout it ♪

♪ Got a new haircut, but I'm not sure about it ♪

♪ Just really quickly, here's the refrain ♪

- I'm Jarvis Dufraine ♪ - He's Jarvis Dufraine ♪

♪ I love this mall, it's my all, that's the truth ♪

♪ Raise a toast to the ghost near the Gags and Goofs ♪

♪ I worked here for ten years, but if you don't know my name ♪

It's Jarvis Dufraine. ♪

Oh, are we not, are we not doing the backup thing anymore?

Okay.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.