All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S02E06.DSNP.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb.en[cc]

♪ Look up there ♪

♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

JUDY: Alanis,

good morning. How are you?

I'm good. Just finished
an appointment with my dentist.

I'm my dentist's therapist.
It's a long story.

Well, I'm glad you're here tonight

because I'm throwing
one of my world-famous parties,

and you know how those get. (chuckles)

The time on the invitation says
"until question mark,"

uh, for a reason.

(both howl)

Your parties really are something else.

Like your Margot Martindale
appreciation party

where you taught your guests how to craft

artisanal virgin Margot Martin-tinis.

And don't forget my truffle pigs party.

It was not easy burying
400 fake truffles in my backyard,

but it was worth it to see

everyone's painted pink faces light up

when they found them.

And this evening will mark the zenith

of an epic party-throwing career,

for tonight I throw a...
(gasps) murder mystery party.

-(howls)
- You said it.

Okay, well, I got to go put
some more feathers in my cap,

literally, because
I made a period-accurate hat

that's really gonna
take tonight to the next level.

Yup. Nothing gets a party started
like an old hat.

(both howl)

Okay, so you're covering appetizers,

and for the main dish

I'm ordering a pizza from DeGigantico's.

Everyone loves it because...

BOTH:
It's-a too-a big-a!

(ding)

What?

Oh, nothing, it's just Stacie B.

Ah, my old frenemy who is now
too popular for yours Jude-ly.

(lofty accent): What doth she text?

Ugh, it's a beer glass emoji
and a puking face,

aka an invite for her dumb party tonight.

But I'm having a party tonight.

Wait, does Stacie B's invite mean

that she's going to have alcohol?

- And puking?
- I wouldn't worry.

Her last party was, like, whatever.

You went to her last party?

Yeah, when you and your dad
went ice climbing.

It wasn't even fun.

Stacie B wouldn't let anyone use

the decorative towels in the bathroom,

so we were all just
walking around with wet hands.

Cool.

Oh, what's wrong?
Did you fart?

Should I create a distraction?

No, it's just,

is it weird you didn't tell me
that you went?

Well, I know you don't like her, and...

Wait, are you texting her back?

No, I'm texting my mom.

She's asking me
where I put the sour cream.

She's making smoked salmon spread
for your party

because, well,
I was gonna surprise you tonight,

but I got this chamber pot on eBay

that's perfect to put dip in.

Salmon spread in an old toilet

is exactly the vibe this party needs.

(Judy groans)

(gasps)
What is it, Judy?

Are your stocks not performing well?

No, Stacie B's parents are out of town,

and everyone's going over there,

and four people have bailed on my party.

I heard last time Stacie B had a party,

some people found her
dad's erotic coaster collection

he bought in Amsterdam.

Sounds like a nightmare.

Well, Crispin and I will be

at your murder mystery party
with birds on.

I think it's actually bells.

Okay, but the bells
might startle the birds.

(groans) What am I
gonna do about the four noes?

Moon?

Yes, Judith?

I know that you and your friends
were going to be here

doing your role-playing game tonight...

Lizards in the Library.

Right. Do you think you could
convince Henry, Russell,

and Debbie to,
as they say, revel in the salon?

Fine, but only if you'll play with us
next week.

We'll be down one because Debbie's going

to ice-skating junior nationals.

She didn't qualify,
but she's gonna go anyway

to throw stuff at the people who did.

-(phone dings)
- Oh, no, no one else can cancel.

Oh, phew, it's just
spam asking if I want to meet

"big-boobied singles in my area."

"Maybe some other... time."

(knocking)

Oh, hello, Alyson.

Oh, hello, Beef.

Just dropping by these props

for Judy's big shindig tonight.

You guys are gonna have fun.

(laughs): Oh, not me.

I have strict instructions to stay out,

so I've made a date to watch a movie

in the guesthouse with Wolf and Honeybee.

Fun!
What time should I get there?

- What?
- What time should I arrive for our date?

No, when I said "date..."

8:00?
I might be a little late.

I'm helping a friend wash a bunch of dogs,

so, sorry if I arrive wet.

Oh, boy.

I accidentally invited Alyson
to hang out with us tonight,

and she thinks it's a duh... a duh...

Dude ranch?
Dealer's choice?

(gasps)
Dinosaur-themed restaurant?

A date!
Oh, God.

Wait, isn't that a good thing?

You two seem to have a little spark.

I can't tell.
Maybe she likes me a little,

or maybe I'm just her plaything.
Either way, when she's around,

it's like I'm floating outside of my body

and I'm also floating outside of that body

that's floating outside
of the original body.

Beef, you're overwhelmed,

so let's make the atmosphere of the date

as unsexy as possible.

Great idea.
We'll turn the lights all the way up,

and for snacks
we've got some dried-out deli slices

and the veggies from
the back of the fridge. They've turned.

Perfect. And we'll play
a really non-sensual game, like Jenga.

Okay, and I will
just hang on for dear life.

KIMA:
Good news.

The delivery girl was pulling up

right when I got here.

Oh, and I brought this chamber pot

of salmon dip and fry bread my mom made.

Where should I put it?

Just over there.
Oh, no, maybe put it over there?

Aah! I don't know.
I'm freaking out about this party!

Are you kidding?

This is gonna be
the best historical party ever.

People are gonna be like, "Great Gatsby?

More like Gross Bad-sby."

(British accent):
Welcome, everybody, to Goosey Gables!

But where is the lady of the manor?

JUDY (British accent):
Oh!

I forgot I was having a fête ce soir!

(laughs)

Judy, just so I can plan out my night,

how long does this game take?

John.

(regular voice):
Well, it says "hours of fun"

on the box, but we could...

Wait, why?

Are you going to Stacie B's?

What? No.

- I mean, we aren't going now.
-"We"?

You know watching people vomit
is an interest of mine.

Guys, let's just focus on this party
and how fun it is, okay?

Judy, you were saying?

Oh, okay.

Well, we can just skip over

the scripted cocktail party banter, then.

It says here the first step is,

we go around and introduce our characters.

Ham, you start.

(giggles) I'm Abby Sinthe,
a party girl with a dark secret.

My catchphrase
is "I'll try anything twice."

Hello, Abby.
Who's next?

I'll go.

(stilted): We are the circus freaks,

brought to entertain you upper-class scum.

We may be from the circus,
but we ain't a bunch of clowns.

Okay, it's my turn.

(with accent): 'Ello, I'm a washer wench

named Sally Potatoes.

(regular voice):
Okay, I should have a bigger role.

I have a second cousin
who actually murdered someone,

not to mention
a natural poetry to my speech.

(clears throat)
I'll go next.

I'm Ty T. Wad,
a dangerously frugal butler.

And when it's time, I will reveal

that I am, in fact, the murderer.

- Gill!
- Gill.

What? Oh.

You just... you just...

You ruined the whole game!

Well, okay, I guess that's that.

The game's over.

Have fun at Stacie B's.

Great party, Judy.
Sorry it was terrible.

Guys, maybe take some pizza
because it's-a too-a big.

(all scream)

GILL:
That's not pizza!

Anyone want a slice

of giant underwear with skid marks?!

I'll try anything twice.

GILL:
My God,

what kind of monster
would do something like this?

KIMA:
There's a note.

- Judy, grab it.
-(gasps) You're right.

That handwriting looks just like mine.

We're definitely
dealing with a psychopath.

"You thought you'd have a big, fun party,

"but things just got a little sharty.

"I've taken your hot n' cheesy

"and left these drawers
to make you queasy.

"Don't bother trying to pin me down.

I can't get caught, I'm not a clown."

It says it's not a clown?

Easy.
That means it is a clown.

One of the circus freaks.
Boom.

Oh, wait, that's me.
Not guilty.

If I wanted to show you guys
my underwear with poop in it,

I'd just do it.

Well, I'll tell you one thing--

no one's going anywhere until we find out

who took our pizza and left us
with this extra large mystery.

Uh, yeah, you would
literally have to drag me out of here.

Oh. So you guys
aren't going to Stacie B's anymore?

Now? Judy, we're being targeted
by a creepy underpants maniac.

This is all I've ever wanted.

I'm scared.
Ham, please place your hand

on my shoulder comfortingly.

-(thunderclap)
-(gasping)

Oh, sorry.
That's the text notification sound

when my mom texts.

She wants to know
if I took my gummy vitamin.

-(thunderclap)
- And she asked if everyone was being nice.

Aw. Yes!

HONEYBEE:
Okay, we've got

bright light, gross meat,

a single bowl of oatmeal, for some reason.

It's unsexy and confusing.

- We did an amazing job.
-(knocking)

Who ordered a pair of giant jugs?

- Oh, God.
- I brought chocolate milk.

Yeah!
Let's get this party started!

(groans)

All right, so I was supposed
to be the investigator in the game,

but I guess I'll just walk
us through the steps instead.

Step one is identify
any possible suspects.

I know. Maybe it was
the people at the pizza place.

Maybe there's a crazy giant
who works there,

pooping and not wiping

and then putting his underwear--

or hers-- in boxes.

Let's call.

-(phone rings)
- CJ: Thanks for calling

DeGigantico's Pizza.
It's-a too-a big!

Uh-huh.
One sec.

Amelia, did you take the pizza
out by Aspen Road?

Does anyone else work here, Mom?

Well, they want to know,
did you take out the pizza

and leave a big pair
of underwear in the box?

Nope.
Just a regular a-too big-a pizza.

No, my daughter says
she didn't leave a big pair of underwear

in the box, just a regular
a-too big-a pizza.

But since you say
you didn't get your pizza,

we'll get a new one to you in 30 minutes.

It's-a bye-bye!

Well, I guess it wasn't them.

That checks out.
When I carried it in,

it was heavy, like pizza,

not light, like underwear.

And you can see the grease stains.

The pizza was in here.

So if it wasn't the pizza ladies,

you know what that means.

It's definitely one of us.

This has Debbie written all over it.

- Ugh.
- Just this morning,
she called me a smelly skid mark.

- Me too.
- And me.

Which I loved.

Makes sense.
She's escalating.

Like a serial killer.

I called you all skid marks
because that's what you are.

I mean, look at your faces.

Skid mark, skid mark, skid mark.

I don't make the news
about your faces-- I just report it.

Stop! We're not getting
anywhere accusing each other like this.

We need to move on to the next step,

examining the physical evidence.

We've already looked at the box.

Now it's time to take a look
at everyone's underwear.

I'm just gonna tell you right now,

mine is a neck-to-ankle Richie Rich onesie

and I refuse to be ashamed.

ALYSON:
You know,

the steadiest part
of the human body is the mouth.

My God.

Say your farewells.

Your dad might die tonight.

Ooh. Maybe I'll try
one of these... vegetables.

Oh, no. Did I leave
a whole zucchini on that platter?

(chewing sounds)

Weird.

But not sexual.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, no.

- It's working on him.
- Ooh!

Deli meat!
I like to bite a hole out of the center

of the deli slice
and lick around the edges.

It's where the good salt is.
Mmm.

-(chewing sounds)
- Oh, Lord.

Excuse me for one moment.

(laughing)

(muffled groaning)

Okay. So,

anything and everything
she's doing is working on you.

But you can still turn this around.

When you go back in there,

bring up the least sexy thing
you can think of.

I guess I could try.

What if I asked her
if she'd like to whittle

some hardwood sometime?

- Beef, no.
- Yep, I'll think of something else.

Underwear on.
Check, check.

Russell.
Underwear, please.

Oh.
No, thank you.

Russell, we all showed our underwear,

and I accidentally
showed the top of my butt crack.

- For compliments.
- Well, it was very long.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Okay, okay, fine.
You got me.

I'm not wearing underwear!

I have a clinically claustrophobic wiener!

It's diagnosed!

Guys, Russell is too much of a--
how do I put this kindly--

a doof to pull this off.

(sighs)
Thank you, Henry.

Well, who did it then?
We're getting nowhere.

-(doorbell rings)
-(gasping)
- Oh, God.

Oh, right. (chuckles)
The new pizza.

Uh, my mom said you
had underwear in your pizza,

so we, like, legally had to replace it.

But this time
I'm opening it in front of you

and showing you that it's pizza

and walking it all the way in,

'cause I'm not driving here again.

Wait, aren't you in our grade?

Yeah. Amelia.
I just started.

My mom used to homeschool me

because she didn't
want me around so many white kids.

But then we got to
the trigonometric ratios chapter

in algebra and she said,

"You know what?
I don't need this."

-(gasping, screaming)
- BETHANY: Now we're talkin'.

HENRY:
Aah! More underwear!

RUSSELL:
Aah! The pizza!

-(gasps) Pepper-oh-no-ni.
- We're all gonna die!

Okay, what in the hell is going on here?

Someone at this party

has kidnapped and/or destroyed two pizzas

and presented us
with two pairs of defecated drawers.

Okay, wait, did somebody bring two pairs

of poop underwear with them
or did they poop during the party?

And which is more diabolical?

Uh, idea-- would you want
to stay and be our investigator?

You're not a suspect
and you're obviously amazing at questions.

Oh, absolutely.
I could use a little break from my mom.

I love her, but,
whenever she eats, she says...

(Scottish accent):
"Get in ma belly" first.

I've had enough.

Okay.
Well, then...

(Scottish accent): get in ma party!

I feel like you didn't
hear a word I just said.

Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.

So we can backtrack to the step

where the detective interrogates suspects.

- Sure.
- If you want, I could be your partner.

No, thank you.
I work alone.

- Oh, she's good.
- Trying to flatter me, huh?

I'll talk to you first.

I've only known you for 13 minutes,

but I've gathered that you love drama.

Enough to create some of your own?

(gasps)
How dare you.

Shove me up against a wall.
Shove me!

I know it was you.
You're obsessed with underwear.

You think poop is hilarious.

Yeah.
You know who else does?

A little lady named America.

You think I wanted
big undies at my party?!

Well, I didn't.

How do you explain this?

Oh, this is a letter I wrote to my dad

for Father's Day telling him
I think he's doing a great job.

Well, I found it on the fridge,
and it's very nice.

Confess!

I never ate my twin in the womb

like I've been claiming my whole life.

She just disappeared,
and I miss her every damn day.

I downloaded Nights in Rodanthe

when my parents went out one night.

I've seen things you wouldn't believe.

I'm just very content
in my life right now.

I feel like I'm making great choices.

Why would you want to ruin Judy's party?

I wouldn't!
She's my best friend for life.

I'd rather cut off my own butt
than ruin her party,

and I love my butt.

Oh, I wish I did this.

It's the only good thing I've ever seen.

Okay! Once a month,
I take a sip of my mom's perfume

and then fill it with
water so she doesn't notice!

- Is that all?
- Yes. Wait, no.

I didn't invent iced tea.
I just really like it.

I've heard enough.

Honestly, I find it just as fun

to put Jenga away as it is to play it.

I wonder why they never
talk about that in the commercials.

Speaking of commercials,
there was one for chicken breasts...

Permafrost! Um...

Anyone here interested in... permafrost?

Oh, yes.
Isn't it just amazing?

Did you know permafrost can go as deep

as two miles into the Earth?

I didn't. Why are you
so interested in permafrost?

Oh. It's dumb.

It is certainly not dumb.

- It's un-dumb.
- I just...

I find it fascinating
that way down in the Earth

are these plants.

I mean, they're still alive,
just, you know,

waiting to be discovered and thawed out.

And, whenever I feel depressed,

I just think about those little plants,

and it cheers me up to know

there's all this
living stuff underneath us,

just waiting to bloom.

I've never thought of it like that.

So, should we watch
some old Arsenio Hall tapes or...

Sweetheart, shut the hell up.

Roger that.

All right.

- I'm ready to solve the mystery.
- Wait, wait, wait!

While you were doing the interrogations,

I looked in both
pizza boxes again for clues

and I found kitty litter.

I think somebody made
those skid marks with cat poop.

Aw.
(singsongy): Who here has a cat?

(gasps)
Gill.

Gill has a cat.

(breathy chuckling)

Oh. Do I?

Do I?!

(cackling)

Oh, my God.
A Ziploc of cat turds?

So you did it?

Yeah. I did it.

But why?

Why? Why?

Because I go to a million parties, Judy.

- A million?
- And nobody even knows I'm there.

No one remembers me.

But, tonight, I made my mark.

My skid mark.

- How did you do it?
- Like I just said--

people rarely know I'm even there.

So when the first pizza arrived,

I just walked over, took it out

and put a pair of my
Grammy Beavers' underwear in it,

which I pre-skid-marked with cat poop.

But, Gill, you've
always had a big crush on Judy.

Why would you ruin her party?

I guess I'm just a bad boy.

The kind that Judy likes.

- Nope.
- What?

I said nope.
I'll tell you what's cat poop--

this confession.

And the cat poop...

(gasping, groaning)

- Oh, my God!
- No!
-...is delicious.

- What?
- Huh?
- Because it's chocolate.

And the fact that Gill has a crush on Judy

was the final clue
I needed to find the real culprit.

It wasn't you, Gill.
It was Kima.

-(thunderclap)
- Huh?

Sorry. Mom again.
Making sure I put in my retainer.

But, Kima, why?

How?
You-you wanted to ruin my party?

Uh-uh. She did it because
she wanted to save your party.

Oh.

I... get it... now.

It's okay if you don't get it, baby.

Okay.
Well, then I do not get it now.

Amelia's right. The inspiration
hit at school this morning.

I saw your face when
you heard about Stacie B's party.

You were worried,
and you had reason to be.

I love your parties, Judy.

Like the party where
you gave us three hours

to make our own newspaper.

Super stressful but super fun.

But we're getting older,
and now the parties kids want to go to

are basically just
drinking and making out.

So, I wanted tonight to be unforgettable.

In the hallway,
I told you I texted my mom,

but, really, I texted Gill
and asked if he wanted to help.

He texted back 45 heart emojis.

We were in business.

I met Gill out front.
He gave me

the underwear.
I gave him the chocolate turds.

We made some marks.
Then I put the turds in my pocket.

KIMA:
Then we stashed the pizza in Gill's car

and put the underwear
and the note in the box.

And then Gill cleverly
outed himself as the murderer,

ruining the murder mystery
but starting the real party.

I am, in fact, the murderer.

But what about the second underwear?

We weren't planning on a second pizza,

so we had to improvise.

And as luck would have it,

I had a second pair of undies
in my backpack,

because I love my Grammy Beavers

and I always want to have her with me.

Okay, we're just not reacting to that?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

After the phone call to the pizza place,

I knew I had exactly 30 minutes.

So I had a quick sidebar with Gill.

AMELIA:
When I walked in with the pizza,

everyone was in the room except Kima.

I'll admit, I have no idea
how she made the lights go off.

I know if you plug in two things

in the bathroom at the same time...

JUDY:
The fuse blows.

I remembered from
when we played hair salon

- and made paninis in there.
- When it went dark,

I put the underwear in the box.
I felt so alive!

AMELIA:
And he threw the pizza at the wall.

When I heard Gill had a crush on Judy,

it all fell into place.

I knew who had taken the fall
for Kima's crazy scheme.

Someone who would do anything
to make tonight fun.

You got some good friends here, Judy.

Well, I thought this murder mystery party

was gonna be really dumb.

But this is only
the second slow clap of my life.

The first is when my Aunt Katherine

finally told my mom
no one likes her lasagna.

She puts bananas in it!

Anyway, great party, Judy.

I'm a little sad that no one vomited,
but I enjoyed myself.

-(all agreeing)
- That was a fun night.

Good night, Gill.
And thanks.

It was an honor
to turd my grandma's underwear for you.

Okay.
(chuckles) So we're cool?

Well, you're cool.

I'm just happy
to be your kinda nerdy friend.

You're not my nerdy friend.

You're my best friend.

I mean, you're the only person
who's ever come

to me and my mom's
very secret berry picking spot.

My dad doesn't even know where it is.

And I'll never tell him.

So, guys, if I call my mom,
can I join this slumber party?

I invite myself to things.
Homeschool!

I have no social skills.

Then we have a lot in common.

So, I guess we're both interested

in permafrost tunnels.

Yes, but it might be a mistake

for us to go to one together right now.

Indeed.

It's been a long time since I, uh...

went into a permafrost tunnel.

Yes. And I think I would
want to visit a permafrost tunnel

with you more than once

and also talk to you,

which is rare for me.

Well, I believe this is your car.

That is a large rock.

Correct. Sorry.

You make me nervous.

You make me nervous, too.

Night, Beef.

(groaning)

Mmm. This pizza's not bad
for being thrown against a wall.

Hey, Jude. Heading to bed.
How was your party?

There was a lot more underwear
than we were expecting.

How was your date?

It was too much and not enough.

You're a child I haven't seen before.

- Name's Amelia.
- Hello, Amelia.

Her family owns DeGigantico's.

I love that place.
It's-a too-a big-a.

Good night, ladies.

So, Amelia,
when you bit into that cat poop,

how sure were you that it was chocolate?

Eh, 50%, 60%?

Wow. That is wild.
(chuckles)

(Scottish accent): Get in ma friendship.

Judy. No.

♪ We are ♪

♪ Period accurate hats ♪

♪ Boo-boo-ba-doo ♪

♪ Pretty as flowers ♪

♪ And coy as cats ♪

♪ A church cap
to marry your first husband ♪

♪ A widow’s hat for when
he’s annoying and you bludgeon ♪

♪ I’m a hat for shooting ♪

♪ A hat for shading ♪

♪ A hat for dining
and a hat for promenading ♪

♪ We are period accurate chapeaus ♪

♪ What’s under us? ♪

(chuckling)

♪ No one knows. ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH