Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my dreams are all dead and

Buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun would

Just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me to

His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of

Bitches when I go ♪

[ yodeling ]

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> early: [ chewing, slurping ]

Mmm.

Jerky's good.

>> rusty: daddy, I-I'm startin'

To feel a little hungry.

>> early: again?!

>> rusty: uh...

Yes, sir.

>> early: well, down there in

Africa, they got little baby

Young'erns a-starvin'.

Why don't you do like 'em and

Wait for somebody to "Please

Help"?

Mmm.

>> rusty:

>> early: oh!

Just 'cause somebody else wants

What you got, that means you

Gotta have it?

Hell, if the sheriff jumped off

The sumbitchin' bridge, would

You do it?

Huh?

>> rusty: is it the okaleechee

Bridge?

>> early: no.

It's the lakahachee!

>> sheriff: uh, this sport seems

Just a little

I don't think I care to do this.

>> early: oh, come on, now!

You got to dance like ain't

Nobody watchin'!

Geronimo!

[ squish ]

Oof!

Damn it!

>> sheriff: uh, we should jump.

>> rusty: all right, then.

I mean, I hate not to conform.

Insensitive indian slur!

>> sheriff: hey, hey!

>> rusty: I ain't equipped to

Think for myself.

>> sheriff: me neither.

Aah!

[ both groan ]

>> rusty: d-daddy, I-I'm still

Hungry.

>> sheriff: here, rusty.

I think there's, uh, maybe some

Mint dust in here.

>> early: no!

Only god almighty hisself will

Provide for my boy.

[ up-tempo rockabilly plays ]

♪ god will provide, eat anything

You find ♪

♪ all you gotta do is live off

The land ♪

♪ if it's food that you're

Cravin', look at all that amber

Wavin'! ♪

♪ it's all the grain a growin'

Boy can stand ♪

>> rusty: ♪ but, daddy, them are

Weeds ♪

>> granny: ♪ dumbass didn't

Plant no seeds ♪

>> early: ♪ I ain't too fond of

Workin' with my hands ♪

>> granny: ♪ so, what do we do

Now? ♪

>> early: ♪ strap granny to the

Plow ♪

♪ and irrigate the ground with

The sweat of her wrinkly brow on

Cuyler land! ♪

>> granny: ow! Oh! Ohh! Ow!

>> early: ♪ you want a fish fry?

Then the fish they gotta die ♪

♪ yank the plug at the bottom of

The pond ♪

>> granny: ♪ then you wait 30

Years for the brim to reappear ♪

>> early: ♪ bitch, you sass me,

And you'll meet the great

Beyond! ♪

♪ if you're the one to kill it,

Then you get to lick the

Skillet ♪

♪ just make sure you keep it on

The spit ♪

>> rusty: aah!

>> early: ♪ so your tongue buds

Are cauterized, and you are

Authorized ♪

♪ to have a heapin' bowl of

Squirrel... ♪

Split!

You know, like a sundae.

>> rusty: "Split" implies

Bananas, and I don't see any of

Those.

>> granny: and this ain't cold.

[ sniffs ]

And smells.

>> early: fine.

That's more dessert for

♪ this ballad ain't valid unless

You got your salad ♪

♪ nature's own all-you-can-eat

Buffet ♪

>> rusty: ♪ this here's a

Salad-bar station ♪

>> early: ♪ that's a suggested

Donation ♪

♪ that I'll be damned if

I'm-a gonna pay ♪

>> granny: are we still in the

Field?

>> early: ♪ I know that I

Shouldn't, but I love banana

Puddin' ♪

♪ and mac and cheese as high as

Your damn knee ♪

>> granny: where are we?

>> early: ♪ fresh maters and

Taters, just don't look at the

Waiter ♪

♪ make a run for the door on

"Three" ♪

Three!

Go, go, go!

>> granny: there is a hair in

This thousand island!

Can I get comped on this, or

What?

>> early: ♪ nature gave us

Dairy for all our culinary ♪

♪ we got all the food that we

Need ♪

>> rusty: daddy, I ain't gettin'

None.

>> early: try the womern cow.

>> rusty: I'm touchin' a cow's

Dick!

>> early: ♪ it's a free

Meat-and-three manifest

Destiny ♪

♪ this land was made for you and

Me-e-e-e ♪

[ shotgun cocks ]

>> rusty: but, daddy, this

Our land.

>> early: lower that barbed

Wire -- right quickly!

>> rusty: aah!

D-daddy, this thing's -- ow!

Daddy, this thing's a space

Fence!

Ow! It hurts!

>> early: damn it!

Now we gonna have to go through

This damn gate.

[ siren wails ]

Aw, hell! The heat!

>> sheriff: hold it right there.

>> early: look out, son!

The heat is amongst us!

[ slam ]

Aw, damn.

>> sheriff: ♪ early, this time,

You've crossed the line ♪

>> early: this ain't no line,

Boy.

This here be a fence!

>> rusty: ow!

>> early: ♪ and it touches my

Land, so I say it's half mine ♪

>> sheriff: ♪ early, how could

You steal from these god-fearin'

Men? ♪

>> rusty: hey, wait a minute,

Now.

♪ ain't that a crescent moon

And a star? ♪

>> uh, we're giving the old,

Rugged cross a new spin.

It's the

It's very cool and modern, you

Know.

>> rusty: ♪ yeah, but ain't that

A photo of osama bin -- ♪

>> no, no, it's, uh,

Kenny bin loggins -- "Highway to

The danger zone."

[ chuckles ]

♪ so, please have a loaf of

Our homemade bread ♪

♪ and take your oil-eating beast

And be on your way ♪

♪ for soon, the beds of your ♪

>> all: ♪ creeks will run

Re-e-e-e-d ♪

>> thank you for coming, and

Have a nice day.

>> early: mmm.

>> sheriff: hmm.

Uh...

♪ sorry if I cast any doubt ♪

♪ everything here...

Seems to check out ♪

[ engine turns over ]

>> early: scoot over.

I'm drivin'.

>> sheriff: not till we get

Around the corner.

>> rusty: daddy, I-I understand

The risk of sayin' this and all,

But I need some...Food.

>> early: damn it!

Ain't you learned nothin' from

That first song?

♪ god will provide, eat

Anything -- ♪

>> no, no, no! Wait!

P-please, let us take the

Hungry, angry, suggestible young

Man for -- for the afternoon.

We are having marshmallow roast.

[ dialing ]

[ explosion ]

>> rusty: d-daddy, can I stay?

Daddy, I want to stay!

Please, can I stay, daddy?

>> early: whatever.

Have a good'n.

[ police radio chatter ]

>> sheriff: well, uh, early, I'm

Sure glad rusty found him some

Playmates there, uh...

Dangerously older than him.

>> early: aw, ain't nothin'

Gonna happen.

He ain't very sexy with that

Damn acne.

Ain't nobody gonna get in line

For a piece of that.

[ bird chirps ]

[ both screaming ]

>> ♪ ain't it odd ♪

♪ that a house of god ♪

>> ♪ looks like a facade for

Training death squads and

Claiming jihad? ♪

>> both: ♪ we're just sayin' ♪

♪ ain't it odd? ♪

>> sheriff: uh, you know, these

Singin' birds have got kind of a

Point, there.

[ groans ]

>> early: yep.

Only two sources I trust --

Glenn beck and singin' woodland

Creatures.

[ country music plays ]

♪ listen to the animals for a

Better understandin' ♪

>> ♪ the holocaust was fake ♪

>> ♪ so was the moon landing ♪

>> ♪ now, what about obama

And his birth certifi-gate? ♪

♪ he was born in hawaii,

That ain't no goddern state ♪

>> ♪ he was born in hawaii,

That ain't no goddern state ♪

>> ♪ lee harvey oswald did not

Kill jfk ♪

♪ he's a giant cyborg built by

The cia ♪

>>

>> ♪ there's a government

Receiver implanted in your

Brain ♪

>> early: ♪ I get my news from

This beaver, so I know I ain't

Insane! ♪

>> ♪ listen to the animals if

You wanna hear the truth ♪

>> ♪ we got a quarter horse

Who ain't a puppet for the

Jews ♪

>> early: ♪ a little birdie told

Me ♪

>> ♪ that if someone gives you

Aids ♪

>> ♪ don't ever go to the

Doctor ♪

>> they're gonna shoot you

Up with aids.

>> ♪ take your big money, go

Buy yourself a bunch of guns ♪

♪ build a fortified compound

For when the revenues come ♪

>> sheriff: uh, early, I

Wouldn't --

>> ♪ steal yourself an airplane,

Crash it into city hall ♪

♪ leave a written manifesto,

You're gonna educate 'em all ♪

>> sheriff: early, I wouldn't

Trust any of these animals, to

Tell you the truth.

>> ♪ don't talk to no police ♪

>> ♪ they're working with the

Government ♪

>> ♪ everyone is out to get you,

You gotta kill 'em all dead ♪

>> ♪ remember back when florida

Had all them hangin' chads? ♪

♪ shoulda been a damn recount ♪

[ animals grumble ]

What?

Well, gore won the popular vote,

And he shoulda had a recount, I

Think.

[ gunshot ]

>> early: talkin' animals.

That don't make no damn sense.

>> sheriff: well, all right,

Early.

Puttin' in a pool, bud?

>> early: what we're doin' is

Diggin' a liberty hole straight

To china.

We attackin' from underneath!

>> dan halen: uh, yes.

T-that's right.

Let's get this yellow business

Out of here so we can really

Take it to those lead-peddling

Orientals but good.

>> early: gonna get 'em in the

Feet!

>> sheriff: uh, now, hold on a

Minute.

[ smacks lips ]

I have no idea what this is.

[ smacks lips ]

Yep.

I-I don't recognize this at all.

Y'all carry on.

>> early: well, what the hell is

It?

>> granny: ♪ yellowcake ♪

♪ my heart is aflutter ♪

♪ I've found me a suitor ♪

♪ a handsome young man is after

My cooter ♪

♪ I met him trolling on

Hezbollah hotties ♪

♪ when I posted shots of my hot,

Nubile body ♪

[ modem beeping ]

>> ♪ it's for her alone that my

Lonely heart aches ♪

♪ if she'll only share with me

Her yellowcake ♪

>> both: ♪ yellowcake ♪

>> granny: ♪ he wants me to

Shield my face with a smock ♪

♪ these wardrobe requirements

Play to my strengths ♪

>> ♪ and I'll take her hand on a

Yellowcake walk ♪

♪ as long as she stays behind

Seven arm-lengths ♪

>> granny: ♪ he said I would

Know him by his good hooks ♪

>> ♪ my hands were cut off for

Reading that "Da vinci code"

Book ♪

>> granny: ♪ and we will swap

Spit when I lift up my veil ♪

>> [ gags ]

>> granny: [ slurps ]

>> both: ♪ but first we'll

Conduct ♪

♪ this yellowcake sa-a-a-a-le ♪

>> granny: aah! Oh!

Well, what do we got --

Ooh, you brought your friend!

>> o-okay.

L-let's keep it above the waist.

>> granny: oh.

>> is that the yellowcake?

>> granny: that can wait.

Let's get to know each other

Better.

>> uh...

>> granny: I understand you come

From a large family.

>> I have 17 wives.

Look, I-I don't think this is

Gonna work out.

We're not clicking, you know?

>> granny: no!

>> I-I need my space.

>> granny: come back, sheiky!

>> I'm gay, I think, right now.

>> granny: [ speaking arabic ]

[ crying ]

>> early: you dumb bitch!

You been tryin' to knock your

Damn boots with the al-qaedas!

>> granny: at least

To treat a lady with disrespect.

>> I-I hate to interrupt, but

Your land's covered in

Radioactive uranium ore.

>> sheriff: aw, hell.

I put that in my mouth.

[ spits ]

>> why is it your first instinct

To taste everything?

>> sheriff: look, what I think

Denny's tryin' to say is that

These al-qaedas put all this

Yellow stuff all over your land.

>> nope. Mnh-mnh.

>> sheriff: uh...Want to take it

>> there you go.

>> sheriff: so they can use it

To invade alabama.

>> no, definitely not that.

>> sheriff: but then why?

>> yellowcake is concentrated

Uranium oxide obtained through

The millin' of uranium ore.

It's all they need to create a

Nuclear bomb!

>> early: for the alabama

Thing, right?

>> brothers, our destiny has

Arrived.

I give you....

The yellowcake!

>> early: aw, hell, granny!

You done give away that titty

Cake?!

>> granny: I got it half-off at

The erotic bakery 'cause it had

A rat pelvis in the frostin'.

>> do not despair, my brothers.

We have another connection to

The yellowcake.

>> rusty: I like cake.

What y'all lookin' at?

Hey, let me have that rat

Pelvis.

>> rusty: mmm.

So, there really is somethin'

Called "Chicken" that you can

Eat.

I was told it was made up by the

Liberal media.

>> hey, man, you like video

Games, man?

>> rusty: oh, all right.

>> it's called "Bejeweled," eh?

It's a new thing that came out.

I like it.

This is the joystick.

[ gun cocks ]

Point and click and you aim.

>> rusty: at that man right over

There?

>> yeah, shoot me!

Just stay away from the crotch

Area, man.

I'm about to get real busy, man.

>> unh-unh-unh-unh-unh.

You don't get the virgins unless

You take others with you.

>> wait! That's not fair!

You can't change the rules --

>> rusty: that seemed wrong.

>> rusty, buddy, come here.

You must understand -- growing

Up is all about taking

Responsibility.

And claiming it.

[ country music plays ]

[ clears throat ]

>> ♪ would you find it so

Alarming that we started global

Warming? ♪

♪ well, we did it ♪

♪ we really hate to brag, but

Your girlfriend's on the rag ♪

♪ because we did it ♪

♪ swine flu was our creation ♪

♪ to eradicate the nation of the

Yiddish ♪

>> ♪ that's the jews ♪

♪ it was us that did it ♪

♪ if your in-box is crammed with

Increase-your-penis scam ♪

♪ it was us that did it ♪

♪ when you're walkin' down the

Road and you feel a heavy load ♪

♪ diarrhea -- ♪

>> excuse me! No! No!

I am not going to take credit

For global diarrhea.

>> ♪ we did it ♪

♪ you must fake it till you make

It, so the credit, we will take

It ♪

♪ before you grow up, you must

Blow up ♪

♪ the virgins wait for you to

Show up ♪

♪ so douse yourself in

Gasoline ♪

♪ find a crowded mezzanine -- ♪

>> rusty: h-hold on a second!

H-hold on! Wait, wait, wait!

What did you mean about all that

"Before you grow up, you must

Blow up" stuff?

>> don't listen to the words.

Just dance to it.

>> sheriff: early, take a peek

At rusty over there.

>> early: who, now?

>> sheriff: your son.

Your only son.

Look -- they got him kneelin'

Toward watkinsville.

>> yeah, I think that's mecca.

>> sheriff: well, watkinsville

Is over there, too.

>> naw.

>> sheriff: a-and look at his

Dress and demeanor.

He's clearly on drugs.

>> early: rusty!

You got drugs on you, boy?!

>> sheriff: shh! Cut it --

>> early: you holdin' out on me,

You son of a bitch?!

>> sheriff: s-shut up.

>> early: [ muffled yelling ]

>> sheriff: aw, hell, early.

Talk to the boy.

>> early: why should I hang out

With him?

He ain't got no drugs.

>> sheriff: let him know you're

There for him.

>> early: [ sniffles ]

It's too late, ain't it?

They grow up so fast.

We really let him down, didn't

We?

>> sheriff: "We"?

>> early: well, "They."

Sumbitchin' jackyl!

What kind of father were they?

>> sheriff: you pawned rusty off

On that band jackyl?

>> early: [ voice breaking ]

Durin' the formative years.

>> sheriff: that chainsaw-guitar

Guy?

>> early: [ sniffles ]

Yeah.

>> sheriff: early.

>> early: I did what

Would do!

I turned the boy over to a band

Of travelin' musicians durin' a

Summer tour.

[ crying ]

It was all I was willin' to do!

[ hard-rock music plays ]

>> ♪ we made sure you cleaned

Your plate and immunized you up

To date ♪

♪ we signed you up to learn

Karate and trained you to sit on

The potty ♪

♪ we taught you how to turn the

Other cheek ♪

>> rusty: kiss my emerald --

N-no! Don't do it! No! No!

>> ♪ and we played "I stand

Alone" till you fell asleep ♪

[ chainsaw revs ]

>> ♪ why you feel? ♪

>> rusty: hey, man, y'all just

Chill out on that chainsaw

Thing.

I'm tryin' to sleep over here.

>> ♪ we showed you how to run

The board whenever we play

Live ♪

♪ for that gig in lawrence,

Kansas, we taught you how to

Drive ♪

[ truck horn blares ]

>> rusty: aaaah! Aaah!

>> ♪ we paid for eight years of

Lessons on keyboards ♪

♪ so I could smoke a little

Mother nature, yeah, before the

First encore ♪

>> [ coughing ]

>> rusty: where do babies come

From?

>> ♪ well, I'm glad you asked me

That, son ♪

♪ grab that groupie off of

Willy, and we'll show you how

It's done ♪

>> the ejaculate leaves the

Penis, and that fluid is called

"Semen."

>> rusty: but does roman have to

Be here?

>> hell, man, that's called

"Double-teamin'."

[ door opens ]

>> rusty: hey, daddy.

>> early: rusty.

I've missed you so!

Uh, is that chicken?

Get on over here!

>> granny: ronnie milsap's

Roasters?

Get away!

>> early: blinded by flavor!

>> sheriff: wait a minute.

This jacket's filled with fake

Dynamite.

Filled with drugs!

>> don't put it in your mou--

Aw, come on, man!

>> sheriff: yep. Tastes bad.

>> 'cause it's real dynamite!

>> sheriff: the hell?!

>> rusty: aw, man!

>> sheriff: I put that in my

Mouth!

>> the boy's wearin' a hurt

Jacket!

Clear the perimeter!

>> sheriff: clear the perimeter!

Everybody, get back now!

>> early: mmm.

[ smacks lips ]

So, how's your new school goin'?

>> granny: pass me a thigh.

>> rusty: we supposed to have a

Class tomorrow about keepin'

Women in their place and all,

But I guess I'll be absent.

>> early: hell, I

Than they ever knowed about

That.

Watch this. Granny!

>> granny: hm?

>> early: drop that wrinkle

Sheet you call a face down there

And put your nose on that

Knothole.

Right now!

>> granny: all right.

>> early: whoo!

I am in control, baby!

This makes me feel like a

Big-ass man!

>> granny: wait -- had you said

Somethin' about dynamite?

>> sheriff: all right.

Which wire? Which wire?

Red, black. Red, black.

Damn. Which wire?

>> early:

[ engine turns over ]

>> rusty: daddy, daddy! No!

>> early: we'll see you on the

Flip!

>> rusty: daddy, don't do it!

No! No-o-o-o-o!

>> early: the chicken was good!

>> rusty: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

>> granny: that was a close one.

>> early: ♪ hell yeah! ♪

♪ democracy wins again ♪

♪ let freedom ring ♪

♪ and all the young'erns of the

World will hold hands and sing ♪

♪ hell yeah! ♪

>> sheriff: early.

>> early: ♪ al-qaeda's on the

Run, baby! ♪

>> sheriff: early. Early!

Knock it off!

Stop singin'!

Look -- they're comin'!

>> aw, hell.

>> sheriff: come on!

Let's get outta here!

>> early: I ain't a-backin' off

This land...

[ shotgun cocks ]

...No way, no how, nowhere.

>> sheriff: yeah, well, you

Gonna need a little help.

I called the drive-by truckers.

>> early: damn it!

I'm conductin' an ass-whuppin',

Not compilin' a

"Best of" list!

>> sheriff: well, I just thought

They could --

>> thought they could

>> sheriff: I don't know.

I-I mean, they play guitar.

I-I --

>> and you call 'em all the way

Up here to sign your wish book.

>> sheriff: don't you start

With me.

I collect autographs.

That's

I don't judge you for all them

Books you read.

>> early: ♪ I don't need yours

Or them drive-by truckers'

Help ♪

♪ I'll take on them damn

Al-qaedas all by myself ♪

♪ yeah, they gonna get some damn

Blood for their oil ♪

♪ them sumbitches ain't gonna

Set foot on cuyler soil! ♪

Hell naw!

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: ♪ I've shot and

Cleaned and dressed ♪

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: ♪ yeah!

37 jehovah's witnesses ♪

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: ♪ my satellite-service

Provider ♪

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: [ laughs ]

♪ I set his ass on fire! ♪

Whoo! Yeah!

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: [ howling ]

♪ you don't cross this here

River ♪

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: whoo!

♪ if it's a pizza, you deliver ♪

Whoo!

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: ♪ hey, reverend, you

Like to drop off them fliers? ♪

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> early: ♪ I got news, baby,

You about to be retired ♪

♪ so, I'll be damned if you're

Gonna back me off ♪

♪ of this la-a-a-a-nd! ♪

>> ♪ for three grand ♪

>> early: you talkin' about all

This land?

>> ♪ for three grand ♪

>> early: and you gonna pay me

Three grand?

>> ♪ for three grand ♪

>> early: you'll buy it for

$3,000?

>> ♪ for three grand ♪

>> early: whoo-hoo!

Baby, listen to me holler!

>> ♪ for three grand ♪

>> early: ♪ let me shake that

Hand, and I'll sell you all this

Land ♪

♪ for three grand ♪

Come on, y'all! Pack up!

We movin'!

>> granny: now, if the toilet

Backs up, we ain't got no toilet

And you just crapped in a chair.

>> early: come on, granny!

>> wait -- where is the

Yellowcake?

>> it's gone!

>> well, what the hell are we

Supposed to do with this land?

>> early: [ clears throat ]

♪ god will provide, eat

Anything -- ♪

>> sheriff: early, early,

Please -- stop.

>> yeah.

>> sheriff: well, you know, you

Could always, uh...

Invade alabama.

>> we could invade alabama.

>> no, no, no -- no alabama.

>> I just need a little restroom

Break, and then I'm ready.

>> early: how about you be

American?

We the number-one country on

This planet.

♪ hell yeah! ♪

♪ democracy wins again! ♪

>> sheriff: early, early,

Please -- stop.

>> early: bein' american is the

Thing to do.

That way, you could help us get

Rid of all the immigrants.

>> sheriff: america is the land

Of opportunity, if it ain't

Nothin' else.

>> really?

>> sheriff: the possibilities

Are endless.

>> it's always a great day at

The ronnie milsap's filet.

Hi.

Have you tried our macadamia-nut

Brown--

[ door chimes jingle ]

Never mind.

>> ♪ for this land ♪

>> ♪ we fought indians,

We fought russians ♪

♪ we gave 'em all concussions ♪

>> ♪ we fought whites

And we fought the tribbles ♪

♪ we ain't afraid to start

No quibble ♪

>> ♪ three grand ♪

>> ♪ let me shake that hand ♪

♪ I'll sell you all this land ♪

♪ for three grand ♪

♪ for threeeee grand ♪

♪ for threeeee graaaand ♪

♪ whooo! ♪

>> ♪ for three grand ♪

♪ for three grand ♪