Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ she ran off and took

Ol' man chicken ♪

♪ when I broke jail the house

Was burning down ♪

♪ she turned that ol' plan back

To ol' soki ♪

♪ some days it seems that life

It just ain't fair ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ applause ]

>> granny: ezekiel and jebediah

Are gonna be bringin' the

Outside pressure.

Malachi and nebuchadnezzar are

Playin' a cover two, and

Matthew, mark, luke, and john

Are stacked up in the box.

Naturally, we gonna go with the

Triple option.

>> rusty: granny, I'm the only

One here.

>> granny: fine.

Just get the ball and run

Somewhere.

That'll work.

>> rusty: is daddy here yet?

>> granny: no, baby, he couldn't

Make it.

But he sent a text sayin', "Tell

Rusty I'm thinkin' about him,

And I'm..."

>> rusty: "About to make

Sexuals..."

>> early: "...With hole in

Rotten gourd."

Now...

[ can sprays ]

[ insects buzzing ]

...Let's do this thing.

>> rusty: one potato, two

Potato, three potato...

Hut, hut, hut!

[ grunting ]

>> granny: throw it long!

Now go long, dummy!

You gotta catch it!

Throw it to the end zone, then

Get down in the end zone!

>> rusty: [ slowed ] Aaaaaah!

>> granny: n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

>> sheriff: touchdown!

>> granny: yeah! We win!

>> sheriff: eh, you probably

Could have just run the clock

Out, too.

>> granny: [ laughs ]

Tell me how my ass taste!

Oh.

Thanks for goin' easy on us,

Coach.

>> come on, kids.

Don't spend all day thanking our

Lord and savior for a frigging

Field goal.

>> rusty: whoo! Yeah!

I said yeah, yeah, yeah!

>> granny: can somebody unscrew

This top?

[ grunts ]

>> rusty: hut, hut!

[ grunting ]

>> sheriff: whoo!

Another frozen rope.

>> early: now, just what in the

Hell are y'all doin'?

>> sheriff: uh, hey, early.

Well, we're just makin' a

Recruitment tape for college

Coaches.

>> early: college?

[ spits ]

No, no! Hell no!

He's gonna stay right here and

Tend that field that I'm gonna

One day plant some mess in.

It's on my schedule. See here?

>> sheriff: "2:00 to 3:00 --

Rotten gourd relations."

>> early: hey, that's my

Personal time, there.

>> sheriff: well, you know,

Early, sometimes them football

Boosters will provide your

Family with a car or even a

House if you keep nice and quiet

About it.

>> early: they're gonna do what,

Now?

He run...

He throw...

He catch...

And he got him a secret weapon.

Corner blitz, go!

>> sheriff: uh, please, I don't

Want to blitz --

Aah!

>> early: touchdown!

Now go for two!

>> sheriff: please don't go for

Two --

No!

>> early: two-point conversion!

Can't no man tackle him in the

Open field.

That's why I use the wheat

Thresher.

>> rusty: no, daddy! No!

No, daddy, don't!

>> early: but can he outrun a

Bullet?

[ gunshot ]

>> rusty: oh!

>> early: regrettably, no.

Tape his ass up!

You wanna wind up in the b.C.S.,

You come on down to the cuyler

Place, talk some turkey.

All right, close with the star

Wipe.

Star wipe!

Come on, damn it! Do it!

You're makin' me look like a

Damn fool!

>> dan halen: yes, rusty, that's

Your recruitment tape on the

World's largest hd screen.

>> rusty: hey, man, does that

Thing always kind of, like, rest

On the field like that?

[ clank ]

>> dan halen: yeah.

Picture it -- a sunny saturday

In the fall, 80,000 fans

Shrieking your name in unison.

"Rusty. Rusty!

G-o-o-o-o, rusty!"

>> granny: well, no one's gonna

Be shoutin' his name if he's

Ridin' the pine.

I mean, you ain't gonna redshirt

Him or anything foolish like

That, are ya?

>> dan halen: who plays and when

Is really the coach's decision.

I stay out of it.

>> granny: looks like you the

One makin' all the big

Decisions.

>> dan halen: oh, sure,

I'm occasionally in the huddle,

But I let my coach take the

Majority of the heat.

What do you say, coach lackey?

Can you tell them what I want to

Hear?

>> this kid's got the stuff!

>> dan halen: he's a wonderful

Recruiter.

>> rusty: what about academics?

>> dan halen: academics?

Oh, yes, yes. We...Have those.

>> this kid's got the stuff!

>> rusty: I mean, what kinda

Classes would I be takin' and

Everything?

>> dan halen: we have an

Honors-level seminar entitled

"Please don't beat your

Girlfriend up in public," and

Every athlete goes through an

Orientation -- "How to tell if

It's food."

It's all just part of our

Nebulous communications degree.

>> hey, rusty, check this out!

>> rusty: hey, man, is that

Chad ochocinco?!

>> I'm gonna do this after I

Score a touchdown next week,

Baby.

>> [ roars ]

[ chomps ]

[ gulps ]

[ farts ]

>> shocking the world.

>> rusty: what are you doin'

Playin' college ball?

>> I love sheetrock u.

I been here nine years catching

This pigskin, baby.

>> rusty: but, uh, I thought he

Was, like, a pro or something.

>> dan halen: what he chooses to

Do with his saturdays is none of

Your or the ncaa's business.

>> he's got an explosive collar

On me, man.

How am I supposed to operate

Like this?

>> dan halen: whoa-ho! Wait!

I thought we agreed that that

Was "Bling."

>> this mother [bleep] Ticks and

Blinks all day.

We didn't agree to anything!

I wrote the book! I do it my --

>> dan halen: [ sighs ]

Let's just move on to the

Cheer.

>> all: sheetrock, sheetrock,

Sheetrock u!

Sheetrock u!

[ whooping ]

>> dan halen: now take him to

The slut dungeon!

[ laughs evilly ]

>> rusty: I got to say, I was

Really impressed with

Sheetrock u.

>> early: yeah, I think that's

About the best place to mold you

And shape you into a real man.

You know, that place what gimme

The hummerzine.

>> sheriff: hey, rusty, uh, I

Don't want to put any pressure

On you or anything, but before

You make a decision, you really

Should consider all your

Options.

>> early: yeah, there could be

Somebody out there that could

Provide us with two or even the

Number that come after two of

Hummerzines, on account of I

Give you all them athlete genes

From saxin' up your mama when

She was a-droppin' them eggs.

>> sheriff: well, rusty, I got a

Fella traveled all the way up

From florida to tell you where

He's at.

Tom?

>> early: tom treebo?!

>> rusty: tom treebo?!

>> sheriff: that's right --

Tom treebo.

>> early: helmsman trophy winner

And startin' quarterback from

The national champion crocodiles

Of the university of the

Peninsular state just below the

State of georgia?!

>> hey, rusty.

You know, someone has to fill my

Shoes next year with the

Crocodiles of the university of

The peninsular state just below

Georgia.

Are you that someone?

>> rusty: who, me?

That sounds good.

Y'all got a slut dungeon?

>> early: god, you so damn

Handsome!

Wait, wait -- I can't be feelin'

This!

Get the hell off my land unless

You're here to administrate food

And medical services, like you

Do in them third world countries

In the -- in the off-season!

>> granny: ooh!

Can I get a free circumcision?

>> early: hell, you're gonna

Need more than that if that

Thing's a penis.

>> granny: well, it's longer

Than it should be, I'll say

That.

>> hey, man, let's -- let's take

A walk.

Rusty, what does my eye black

Say?

>> rusty: "I am humble before

He, but I am also number one in

All statistical categories.

Number one. Number one.

Whoo, whoo."

>> oh -- uh, continued on

Wristband.

>> rusty: "Whoo."

>> that's from corinthians...

Probably.

The leather company, right?

I'm pretty sure.

>> rusty: I guess.

>> rusty, when I call an

Audible, where do you think I

Get it?

>> rusty: well, probably that

Two-way radio in your helmet.

>> yeah. Sure. That.

But also, where else?

>> rusty: I don't know.

Outer space?

>> no -- w-- actually, yeah.

You could say space.

But more specifically, our lord

And savior, jesus christ.

Would you like to meet him?

>> rusty: yeah, sure. All right.

>> okay. Go ahead. Say hello.

He's here with us right now.

>> rusty: you mean like

Metaphorically, like he's here

All the time?

>> well, yeah.

But he's also sitting right

There.

See? I'm braiding his hair.

>> rusty: I-I can't really see

Him.

>> [ chuckling ] Oh.

He must have his cloaking powers

On.

Just like the predator.

>> sheriff: uh, rusty, tom's

Just had a lot of...Concussions

In the past week, but --

>> aah! Jesus, watch out!

He has a laser!

>> sheriff: he's still cleared

To play.

>> you --

Yeah, I have had that.

What is this number on my chest?

Can everybody see this?

>> sheriff: tom, why don't you

Take a knee now, buddy?

Rusty, what tom's tryin' to say,

I think, is that jesus has a

Game plan for each of us, and I

Think he just called a play for

You -- to sign up with the

University of the peninsular

State just below georgia.

>> and jesus lives in space.

[ imitates rocket blasting ]

>> well, I really enjoyed

Meeting you, and I...Endured the

Things we did.

Uh, I really was hoping to talk

To your grandson about the great

Opportunities we have down here

At alabama tech.

>> granny: to be honest, I think

He's pretty well decided.

>> you didn't say that when we

Started.

W-w-why'd you make me do those

Things back there?

>> granny: you had your fun.

Now send in that fella from the

Semen holes on your way out.

>> it's pronounced "Seminoles."

>> granny: I know exactly what I

Said.

[ door slams ]

>> rusty: who was that?

>> granny: nobody.

But if that feller recruits like

He bangs, he ain't gonna have no

Kinda team this fall.

[ knock on door ]

Shh!

[ door opens ]

>> well, you must be rusty's

Grandma.

>> granny: that's right.

And let's hope you're from the

Big ten.

>> mountain west, actually.

Mountain west.

>> granny: hmm.

Mountin' rear.

>> oh. Yeah, great.

One of -- one of these deals, is

It?

All right.

Let me just mentally prepare for

This.

>> granny: the hell you doin',

Boy?

You keep the rings on.

You goin' deep.

[ camera shutters clicking ]

>> rusty: my son, rusty, is the

First one in the cuyler family

That was stupid enough to be

Brainwashed into college, and as

His father, I truly hope he

Makes the best decision for me.

>> granny: [ whispering ]

>> early: uh, it needs to be

Good for him, too.

Thank you.

[ camera shutters clicking ]

>> rusty: [ clears throat ]

Uh --

>> look into your heart, rusty.

Do what you feel is right.

>> dan halen: rusty, look at

This rim -- on a necklace!

>> remember, jesus is all around

You.

But also, so is the predator.

>> dan halen: that's some bling,

Yo.

Da-a-a-mn!

>> rusty: I have to say that

This has been a very difficult

Decision for me, but at the end

Of the day, I got to go with

What my gut tells me.

So I've decided to sign with...

>> [ imitates rocket blasting ]

>> rusty: ...The barbielon

Fashion college!

Whoo!

>> early: you what?!

>> this kid's got the stuff!

>> dan halen: you've run this

Program into the ground!

>> [ babbling ]

>> early: you mean you ain't

Gonna play ball no more?!

Son, you done told me you been

Out back, gettin' fierce as hell

With them tacklin' dummies!

>> rusty: well, I was gettin'

Fierce.

See?

Check it out -- my fabrics, my

Patterns.

Hell, you can't coach that.

I am a machine, y'all --

A sewin' machine!