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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ she ran off and took
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Ol' man chicken ♪
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♪ when I broke jail the house
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Was burning down ♪
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♪ she turned that ol' plan back
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To ol' soki ♪
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♪ some days it seems that life
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It just ain't fair ♪
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: man, let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ applause ]
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>> granny: ezekiel and jebediah
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Are gonna be bringin' the
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Outside pressure.
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Malachi and nebuchadnezzar are
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Playin' a cover two, and
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Matthew, mark, luke, and john
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Are stacked up in the box.
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Naturally, we gonna go with the
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Triple option.
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>> rusty: granny, I'm the only
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One here.
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>> granny: fine.
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Just get the ball and run
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Somewhere.
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That'll work.
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>> rusty: is daddy here yet?
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>> granny: no, baby, he couldn't
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Make it.
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But he sent a text sayin', "Tell
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Rusty I'm thinkin' about him,
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And I'm..."
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>> rusty: "About to make
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Sexuals..."
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>> early: "...With hole in
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Rotten gourd."
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Now...
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[ can sprays ]
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[ insects buzzing ]
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...Let's do this thing.
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>> rusty: one potato, two
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Potato, three potato...
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Hut, hut, hut!
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[ grunting ]
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>> granny: throw it long!
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Now go long, dummy!
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You gotta catch it!
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Throw it to the end zone, then
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Get down in the end zone!
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>> rusty: [ slowed ] Aaaaaah!
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>> granny: n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
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>> sheriff: touchdown!
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>> granny: yeah! We win!
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>> sheriff: eh, you probably
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Could have just run the clock
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Out, too.
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>> granny: [ laughs ]
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Tell me how my ass taste!
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Oh.
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Thanks for goin' easy on us,
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Coach.
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>> come on, kids.
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Don't spend all day thanking our
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Lord and savior for a frigging
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Field goal.
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>> rusty: whoo! Yeah!
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I said yeah, yeah, yeah!
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>> granny: can somebody unscrew
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This top?
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[ grunts ]
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>> rusty: hut, hut!
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[ grunting ]
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>> sheriff: whoo!
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Another frozen rope.
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>> early: now, just what in the
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Hell are y'all doin'?
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>> sheriff: uh, hey, early.
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Well, we're just makin' a
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Recruitment tape for college
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Coaches.
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>> early: college?
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[ spits ]
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No, no! Hell no!
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He's gonna stay right here and
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Tend that field that I'm gonna
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One day plant some mess in.
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It's on my schedule. See here?
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>> sheriff: "2:00 to 3:00 --
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Rotten gourd relations."
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>> early: hey, that's my
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Personal time, there.
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>> sheriff: well, you know,
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Early, sometimes them football
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Boosters will provide your
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Family with a car or even a
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House if you keep nice and quiet
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About it.
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>> early: they're gonna do what,
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Now?
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He run...
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He throw...
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He catch...
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And he got him a secret weapon.
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Corner blitz, go!
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>> sheriff: uh, please, I don't
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Want to blitz --
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Aah!
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>> early: touchdown!
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Now go for two!
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>> sheriff: please don't go for
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Two --
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No!
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>> early: two-point conversion!
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Can't no man tackle him in the
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Open field.
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That's why I use the wheat
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Thresher.
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>> rusty: no, daddy! No!
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No, daddy, don't!
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>> early: but can he outrun a
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Bullet?
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[ gunshot ]
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>> rusty: oh!
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>> early: regrettably, no.
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Tape his ass up!
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You wanna wind up in the b.C.S.,
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You come on down to the cuyler
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Place, talk some turkey.
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All right, close with the star
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Wipe.
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Star wipe!
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Come on, damn it! Do it!
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You're makin' me look like a
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Damn fool!
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>> dan halen: yes, rusty, that's
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Your recruitment tape on the
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World's largest hd screen.
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>> rusty: hey, man, does that
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Thing always kind of, like, rest
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On the field like that?
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[ clank ]
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>> dan halen: yeah.
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Picture it -- a sunny saturday
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In the fall, 80,000 fans
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Shrieking your name in unison.
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"Rusty. Rusty!
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G-o-o-o-o, rusty!"
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>> granny: well, no one's gonna
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Be shoutin' his name if he's
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Ridin' the pine.
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I mean, you ain't gonna redshirt
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Him or anything foolish like
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That, are ya?
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>> dan halen: who plays and when
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Is really the coach's decision.
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I stay out of it.
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>> granny: looks like you the
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One makin' all the big
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Decisions.
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>> dan halen: oh, sure,
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I'm occasionally in the huddle,
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But I let my coach take the
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Majority of the heat.
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What do you say, coach lackey?
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Can you tell them what I want to
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Hear?
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>> this kid's got the stuff!
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>> dan halen: he's a wonderful
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Recruiter.
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>> rusty: what about academics?
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>> dan halen: academics?
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Oh, yes, yes. We...Have those.
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>> this kid's got the stuff!
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>> rusty: I mean, what kinda
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Classes would I be takin' and
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Everything?
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>> dan halen: we have an
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Honors-level seminar entitled
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"Please don't beat your
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Girlfriend up in public," and
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Every athlete goes through an
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Orientation -- "How to tell if
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It's food."
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It's all just part of our
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Nebulous communications degree.
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>> hey, rusty, check this out!
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>> rusty: hey, man, is that
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Chad ochocinco?!
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>> I'm gonna do this after I
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Score a touchdown next week,
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Baby.
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>> [ roars ]
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[ chomps ]
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[ gulps ]
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[ farts ]
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>> shocking the world.
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>> rusty: what are you doin'
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Playin' college ball?
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>> I love sheetrock u.
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I been here nine years catching
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This pigskin, baby.
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>> rusty: but, uh, I thought he
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Was, like, a pro or something.
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>> dan halen: what he chooses to
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Do with his saturdays is none of
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Your or the ncaa's business.
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>> he's got an explosive collar
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On me, man.
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How am I supposed to operate
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Like this?
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>> dan halen: whoa-ho! Wait!
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I thought we agreed that that
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Was "Bling."
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>> this mother [bleep] Ticks and
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Blinks all day.
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We didn't agree to anything!
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I wrote the book! I do it my --
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>> dan halen: [ sighs ]
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Let's just move on to the
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Cheer.
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>> all: sheetrock, sheetrock,
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Sheetrock u!
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Sheetrock u!
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[ whooping ]
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>> dan halen: now take him to
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The slut dungeon!
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[ laughs evilly ]
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>> rusty: I got to say, I was
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Really impressed with
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Sheetrock u.
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>> early: yeah, I think that's
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About the best place to mold you
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And shape you into a real man.
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You know, that place what gimme
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The hummerzine.
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>> sheriff: hey, rusty, uh, I
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Don't want to put any pressure
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On you or anything, but before
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You make a decision, you really
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Should consider all your
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Options.
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>> early: yeah, there could be
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Somebody out there that could
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Provide us with two or even the
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Number that come after two of
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Hummerzines, on account of I
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Give you all them athlete genes
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From saxin' up your mama when
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She was a-droppin' them eggs.
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>> sheriff: well, rusty, I got a
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Fella traveled all the way up
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From florida to tell you where
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He's at.
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Tom?
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>> early: tom treebo?!
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>> rusty: tom treebo?!
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>> sheriff: that's right --
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Tom treebo.
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>> early: helmsman trophy winner
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And startin' quarterback from
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The national champion crocodiles
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Of the university of the
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Peninsular state just below the
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State of georgia?!
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>> hey, rusty.
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You know, someone has to fill my
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Shoes next year with the
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Crocodiles of the university of
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The peninsular state just below
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Georgia.
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Are you that someone?
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>> rusty: who, me?
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That sounds good.
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Y'all got a slut dungeon?
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>> early: god, you so damn
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Handsome!
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Wait, wait -- I can't be feelin'
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This!
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Get the hell off my land unless
285
00:06:31,012 --> 00:06:32,024
You're here to administrate food
286
00:06:32,026 --> 00:06:34,011
And medical services, like you
287
00:06:34,013 --> 00:06:35,024
Do in them third world countries
288
00:06:35,026 --> 00:06:37,018
In the -- in the off-season!
289
00:06:37,020 --> 00:06:38,017
>> granny: ooh!
290
00:06:38,019 --> 00:06:39,027
Can I get a free circumcision?
291
00:06:39,029 --> 00:06:41,013
>> early: hell, you're gonna
292
00:06:41,015 --> 00:06:42,020
Need more than that if that
293
00:06:42,022 --> 00:06:43,024
Thing's a penis.
294
00:06:43,026 --> 00:06:45,020
>> granny: well, it's longer
295
00:06:45,022 --> 00:06:47,015
Than it should be, I'll say
296
00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:47,027
That.
297
00:06:47,029 --> 00:06:49,024
>> hey, man, let's -- let's take
298
00:06:49,026 --> 00:06:50,029
A walk.
299
00:06:51,001 --> 00:06:53,000
Rusty, what does my eye black
300
00:06:53,002 --> 00:06:53,019
Say?
301
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:55,020
>> rusty: "I am humble before
302
00:06:55,022 --> 00:06:57,024
He, but I am also number one in
303
00:06:57,026 --> 00:06:59,023
All statistical categories.
304
00:06:59,025 --> 00:07:01,013
Number one. Number one.
305
00:07:01,015 --> 00:07:03,027
Whoo, whoo."
306
00:07:03,029 --> 00:07:05,016
>> oh -- uh, continued on
307
00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:06,014
Wristband.
308
00:07:06,016 --> 00:07:07,013
>> rusty: "Whoo."
309
00:07:07,015 --> 00:07:08,025
>> that's from corinthians...
310
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:09,021
Probably.
311
00:07:09,023 --> 00:07:11,027
The leather company, right?
312
00:07:11,029 --> 00:07:12,026
I'm pretty sure.
313
00:07:12,028 --> 00:07:13,028
>> rusty: I guess.
314
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,013
>> rusty, when I call an
315
00:07:15,015 --> 00:07:16,019
Audible, where do you think I
316
00:07:16,021 --> 00:07:16,029
Get it?
317
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,011
>> rusty: well, probably that
318
00:07:18,013 --> 00:07:19,017
Two-way radio in your helmet.
319
00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:21,021
>> yeah. Sure. That.
320
00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:23,027
But also, where else?
321
00:07:23,029 --> 00:07:25,002
>> rusty: I don't know.
322
00:07:25,004 --> 00:07:25,026
Outer space?
323
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,012
>> no -- w-- actually, yeah.
324
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,014
You could say space.
325
00:07:28,016 --> 00:07:30,021
But more specifically, our lord
326
00:07:30,023 --> 00:07:32,023
And savior, jesus christ.
327
00:07:34,028 --> 00:07:36,015
Would you like to meet him?
328
00:07:36,017 --> 00:07:38,004
>> rusty: yeah, sure. All right.
329
00:07:38,006 --> 00:07:39,025
>> okay. Go ahead. Say hello.
330
00:07:39,027 --> 00:07:41,016
He's here with us right now.
331
00:07:41,018 --> 00:07:42,025
>> rusty: you mean like
332
00:07:42,027 --> 00:07:44,018
Metaphorically, like he's here
333
00:07:44,020 --> 00:07:45,021
All the time?
334
00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:46,025
>> well, yeah.
335
00:07:46,027 --> 00:07:48,025
But he's also sitting right
336
00:07:48,027 --> 00:07:50,013
There.
337
00:07:50,015 --> 00:07:51,020
See? I'm braiding his hair.
338
00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:53,000
>> rusty: I-I can't really see
339
00:07:53,002 --> 00:07:53,015
Him.
340
00:07:53,017 --> 00:07:54,015
>> [ chuckling ] Oh.
341
00:07:54,017 --> 00:07:55,027
He must have his cloaking powers
342
00:07:55,029 --> 00:07:56,029
On.
343
00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:58,018
Just like the predator.
344
00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,000
>> sheriff: uh, rusty, tom's
345
00:08:00,002 --> 00:08:01,020
Just had a lot of...Concussions
346
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,028
In the past week, but --
347
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:03,027
>> aah! Jesus, watch out!
348
00:08:03,029 --> 00:08:04,018
He has a laser!
349
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,021
>> sheriff: he's still cleared
350
00:08:05,023 --> 00:08:06,001
To play.
351
00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:07,003
>> you --
352
00:08:07,005 --> 00:08:08,025
Yeah, I have had that.
353
00:08:08,027 --> 00:08:10,015
What is this number on my chest?
354
00:08:10,017 --> 00:08:11,020
Can everybody see this?
355
00:08:11,022 --> 00:08:13,001
>> sheriff: tom, why don't you
356
00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:14,012
Take a knee now, buddy?
357
00:08:14,014 --> 00:08:16,003
Rusty, what tom's tryin' to say,
358
00:08:16,005 --> 00:08:17,025
I think, is that jesus has a
359
00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:19,021
Game plan for each of us, and I
360
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:21,018
Think he just called a play for
361
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:23,000
You -- to sign up with the
362
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,024
University of the peninsular
363
00:08:24,026 --> 00:08:26,014
State just below georgia.
364
00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:29,004
>> and jesus lives in space.
365
00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:33,001
[ imitates rocket blasting ]
366
00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:34,028
>> well, I really enjoyed
367
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,012
Meeting you, and I...Endured the
368
00:08:37,014 --> 00:08:38,017
Things we did.
369
00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:40,006
Uh, I really was hoping to talk
370
00:08:40,008 --> 00:08:42,002
To your grandson about the great
371
00:08:42,004 --> 00:08:43,026
Opportunities we have down here
372
00:08:43,028 --> 00:08:44,021
At alabama tech.
373
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,001
>> granny: to be honest, I think
374
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:48,019
He's pretty well decided.
375
00:08:48,021 --> 00:08:50,015
>> you didn't say that when we
376
00:08:50,017 --> 00:08:51,001
Started.
377
00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:52,021
W-w-why'd you make me do those
378
00:08:52,023 --> 00:08:53,022
Things back there?
379
00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:55,004
>> granny: you had your fun.
380
00:08:55,006 --> 00:08:56,025
Now send in that fella from the
381
00:08:56,027 --> 00:08:58,007
Semen holes on your way out.
382
00:08:58,009 --> 00:08:59,028
>> it's pronounced "Seminoles."
383
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,026
>> granny: I know exactly what I
384
00:09:01,028 --> 00:09:02,012
Said.
385
00:09:02,014 --> 00:09:03,001
[ door slams ]
386
00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:04,004
>> rusty: who was that?
387
00:09:04,006 --> 00:09:05,002
>> granny: nobody.
388
00:09:05,004 --> 00:09:06,020
But if that feller recruits like
389
00:09:06,022 --> 00:09:08,005
He bangs, he ain't gonna have no
390
00:09:08,007 --> 00:09:09,017
Kinda team this fall.
391
00:09:09,019 --> 00:09:10,016
[ knock on door ]
392
00:09:10,018 --> 00:09:10,026
Shh!
393
00:09:10,028 --> 00:09:11,022
[ door opens ]
394
00:09:11,024 --> 00:09:14,005
>> well, you must be rusty's
395
00:09:14,007 --> 00:09:14,025
Grandma.
396
00:09:14,027 --> 00:09:16,003
>> granny: that's right.
397
00:09:16,005 --> 00:09:17,023
And let's hope you're from the
398
00:09:17,025 --> 00:09:18,026
Big ten.
399
00:09:18,028 --> 00:09:20,004
>> mountain west, actually.
400
00:09:20,006 --> 00:09:21,000
Mountain west.
401
00:09:21,002 --> 00:09:21,026
>> granny: hmm.
402
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:24,014
Mountin' rear.
403
00:09:24,016 --> 00:09:25,028
>> oh. Yeah, great.
404
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,023
One of -- one of these deals, is
405
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,003
It?
406
00:09:28,005 --> 00:09:28,024
All right.
407
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,014
Let me just mentally prepare for
408
00:09:30,016 --> 00:09:30,024
This.
409
00:09:30,026 --> 00:09:32,006
>> granny: the hell you doin',
410
00:09:32,008 --> 00:09:32,021
Boy?
411
00:09:32,023 --> 00:09:35,000
You keep the rings on.
412
00:09:35,002 --> 00:09:37,003
You goin' deep.
413
00:09:37,005 --> 00:09:38,022
[ camera shutters clicking ]
414
00:09:38,024 --> 00:09:40,014
>> rusty: my son, rusty, is the
415
00:09:40,016 --> 00:09:41,029
First one in the cuyler family
416
00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:43,018
That was stupid enough to be
417
00:09:43,020 --> 00:09:45,005
Brainwashed into college, and as
418
00:09:45,007 --> 00:09:47,006
His father, I truly hope he
419
00:09:47,008 --> 00:09:48,028
Makes the best decision for me.
420
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,000
>> granny: [ whispering ]
421
00:09:50,002 --> 00:09:51,005
>> early: uh, it needs to be
422
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,001
Good for him, too.
423
00:09:52,003 --> 00:09:52,020
Thank you.
424
00:09:52,022 --> 00:09:53,020
[ camera shutters clicking ]
425
00:09:53,022 --> 00:09:54,023
>> rusty: [ clears throat ]
426
00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:55,004
Uh --
427
00:09:55,006 --> 00:09:56,026
>> look into your heart, rusty.
428
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:58,006
Do what you feel is right.
429
00:09:58,008 --> 00:09:59,025
>> dan halen: rusty, look at
430
00:09:59,027 --> 00:10:01,005
This rim -- on a necklace!
431
00:10:01,007 --> 00:10:02,028
>> remember, jesus is all around
432
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:03,008
You.
433
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:04,028
But also, so is the predator.
434
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,021
>> dan halen: that's some bling,
435
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,019
Yo.
436
00:10:07,021 --> 00:10:08,022
Da-a-a-mn!
437
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,004
>> rusty: I have to say that
438
00:10:10,006 --> 00:10:11,025
This has been a very difficult
439
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,017
Decision for me, but at the end
440
00:10:13,019 --> 00:10:14,029
Of the day, I got to go with
441
00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:16,022
What my gut tells me.
442
00:10:16,024 --> 00:10:18,022
So I've decided to sign with...
443
00:10:18,024 --> 00:10:22,004
>> [ imitates rocket blasting ]
444
00:10:22,006 --> 00:10:23,010
>> rusty: ...The barbielon
445
00:10:23,012 --> 00:10:24,007
Fashion college!
446
00:10:24,009 --> 00:10:24,022
Whoo!
447
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,023
>> early: you what?!
448
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,001
>> this kid's got the stuff!
449
00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:28,010
>> dan halen: you've run this
450
00:10:28,012 --> 00:10:29,020
Program into the ground!
451
00:10:29,022 --> 00:10:30,021
>> [ babbling ]
452
00:10:30,023 --> 00:10:32,007
>> early: you mean you ain't
453
00:10:32,009 --> 00:10:33,010
Gonna play ball no more?!
454
00:10:33,012 --> 00:10:34,024
Son, you done told me you been
455
00:10:34,026 --> 00:10:36,002
Out back, gettin' fierce as hell
456
00:10:36,004 --> 00:10:37,007
With them tacklin' dummies!
457
00:10:37,009 --> 00:10:38,019
>> rusty: well, I was gettin'
458
00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:39,000
Fierce.
459
00:10:39,002 --> 00:10:39,008
See?
460
00:10:39,010 --> 00:10:40,022
Check it out -- my fabrics, my
461
00:10:40,024 --> 00:10:41,005
Patterns.
462
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:42,010
Hell, you can't coach that.
463
00:10:42,012 --> 00:10:43,010
I am a machine, y'all --
464
00:10:43,012 --> 00:10:45,003
A sewin' machine!
28842
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