Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ somehow I've got spinal

Meningitis ♪

♪ injectin' all that hair spray

Into my brain ♪

♪ it's a super-cheap way

To party ♪

♪ if you aim to kill some brain

Cells and some time ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> [ sighs ]

Oh! I think I hear someone.

>> granny: whore!

>> rusty: fornicator!

>> granny: painted jezebel!

>> rusty: masturbator!

>> hold your damnation.

It's just another squirrel.

>> granny: furry slut!

You'll eat hot coals instead of

Acorns!

>> just leave the beast be.

[ sighs ]

[ horn honks, engine revs ]

Oh! Sinner!

>> granny: masturbating

Fornicator!

[ tires screech ]

>> oh. H-hey, early.

>> early: you know how you

Always sayin' I'm lost?

Well, now I'm found.

Looky here.

[ gps beeps ]

>>

>> early: got me a gps!

>> rusty: hell yeah!

>> early: up yours,

"Amazing grace"!

>> rusty: whoo!

>> really talking more about a

Spiritual --

>> early: gps, give me that

Sumbitch osama bin laden.

>> rusty: well, hell yeah,

Daddy!

>> early: decided it was time to

Put my money where my bumper

Sticker is.

>> rusty: hell yeah.

>>

>> early: it's calculatin'.

>> rusty: whoo!

>>

>> early: let's go for that one

Over there in, uh,

Afghani...Stani...Cisco.

>>

>> early: whoo!

I'm gonna be smokin' him right

Out of his hole!

>>

>> early: aw, hell.

Best get my pee-pee bottle.

>>

>> early: [ urinating ]

>>

[ splash ]

[ tires screech ]

>> early: looks like we losin'

Daylight.

[ dance music plays ]

We'll hit it hard tomorrow.

>>

>> early: hey!

Y'all got a discount for

American heroes?

Yeah, I been doin' intel

Reconnaissance.

Black ops stuff, mostly.

[ glass shatters ]

Totally deep background.

Aw, hell.

I already done said too much.

I can't say no more.

Pretend this here is me, and

Your hoo-ha there, that you --

That you are wavin' in my face,

That there is the cave that's

A-hidin' old bin laden up there.

And then I'm just gonna creep,

Creep, creep up this here thigh,

And then --

[ glass shatters ]

So this is the damn thanks I

Get!

Well, spit in my face,

Jane fonda!

[ engine revving ]

Ahh.

>>

>> early: keep goin'.

Please stay a hero.

Aah...Uh...

>>

>> early: [ snoring ]

>>

[ thud ]

>> early: what's that?

>>

>> early: what in the hell?!

[ crash ]

You made me spill my drink!

>>

>> early: and you made me spill

My drink!

>>

>> early: damn robot!

>>

>> early: whatever.

>>

[ horn honking ]

>> early: you alive.

Yeah, you alive.

It's a miracle and all that.

Who knows?

Maybe the good lord knew'd.

He knew'd I needed a -- a...

>>

>> early: no -- a robotified

Robochine.

Yeah.

>>

>> early: I'll call you "China."

>>

>> early: but it will be "Chyna"

With a "Y," 'cause I think

That's sexy as hell.

>>

>> early: whoo!

>>

>> early: whoo!

Hell yeah!

>>

>> early: okay! Stop up here!

Stop up here!

Whoo!

Well, hey, y'all.

>> granny: where in the hell

Have you been?

>> early: just doin' a little

Dirt surfin' with my new best

Buddy here!

Whoo!

>>

>> both: ...30 yards up to the

Motorway!

[ both laugh ]

>> early: you wild, chyna!

Hell, you wild!

Whoo!

>>

>> granny: you've been spendin'

Too much time with this truck.

Ain't you learned nothin' from

Governor schwarzenegger?

Robots always turn against you

In the end.

>> rusty: I tell you what,

Though -- that dirt surfin'

Looks funner than hell.

>> granny: yeah.

It sure does.

Let me go get my sports bra.

>> early: well, I can't waste

All day a-dirt surfin'.

>> granny: ohhh.

>> early: we got us a tailgate

Party now.

>>

>> early: go, dawgs!

>>

>> early: mmm.

Mmm.

[

Mm-hmm.

>> rusty: hey, daddy, when you

Throw them wing bones, how about

You say "Go long!"?

Almost like we playin' catch,

Daddy.

>> early: mm.

[ volume increases ]

[ horn honks ]

>>

>> early: we good.

[ glass shatters ]

>>

>> early: no, hoss, we good.

>>

>> early: what the hell --

Hey, shut that damn door!

>>

>> early: and turn right at the

Four-way stop.

I know, I know!

Hell, I don't want to hear the

Labor.

I just want to see the damn

Baby.

12-pack of babies.

Domestic, ice-cold -- now!

>>

[ tires screech ]

>> early: damn. Stupid.

>>

>> early: no. I gotta piss.

>>

>> early: over to the pissin'

Bush?

>>

>> early: hell no!

>>

>> early: hell, I don't care if

I get lost.

>> I

I

>> early: you know what?

I think the pee-pee just

Reabsorbed back into my old

Jimmy jack when you started

Talkin' damn emotions at me.

That's what I think.

>>

>> early: I know'd I shouldn't

Have bought no damn refurbished!

[ rooster crows ]

Is it still there?

>> rusty: hell yeah, he is.

>>

>> early: damn it.

>>

>> early: why don't he never run

Out of gas?

>> granny: he went down and

Refueled himself while we was

Sleepin'.

>> early: aw, damn it.

[ horn honks ]

>>

>> rusty: disney-- disneyland?!

>>

>> rusty: whoo-hoo!

>> granny: no, rusty!

It's a trick!

I mean, wait.

Disneyland?

>>

>> granny: yeah! Disneyland!

>>

>> rusty: marty mouse!

>> granny: but no epcot.

I got no interest in the future.

[ truck doors slam ]

[ locks click ]

>>

[ air blowing ]

Real

>> granny: yeah, this --

This is mildly uncomfortable.

That's better.

So...

This means we ain't goin' to

Disneyland?

>>

>> rusty: whoo! Yeah!

We're here! Marty mouse! Whoo!

>>

>> rusty: so, what do we do?

We wait for the shuttle?

We just go on in?

>> granny: now, you lure ronald

Out here, and I'm gonna brain

Him with this hammer.

Duck meat's good meat.

>> rusty: buzz light-man?

Marty? Doochy?

>> [ growling ]

>> rusty: doochy?

No! No!

No! No! Aah!

>> granny: oh, ronald!

I want your autygraph!

>> rusty: ohh...Ohh...

Ow!

Ohh...

I-I think --

Is this a picture they took?

>> granny: oh, baby, that's your

Skull.

>> early: [ panting ]

[ engine sputtering ]

>>

>> early: aah!

>>

>> early: I-I gotta clear up my

Mind.

>>

>> early: did you not read my

Tweet?

Me and you is done!

[ engine sputtering ]

I'm outta here!

>>

>> early: I'm gone, baby!

>>

[ tires screech ]

>> early: [ groaning ]

Ellis?

Stripper?

>>

>> early: chyna, what did you

Do?!

>>

>> early: stripper?! No!

[ crying ]

>>

>> early: I can't take no more!

>>

>> early: w-wait a minute, now.

>>

>> early: wait, please!

I thought we was gonna drive

Up to the coast -- reconnect!

>>

>> early: I didn't like it, but

Now I

Let's do it.

>>

>> early: I was hasty to tell

You to go screw your damn self.

But, you know, forgive and

Forget.

Let's go.

>>

>> early: hell yeah!

>>

>> early: come on -- me and you.

And here we are.

Right there's where the amish

Peoples lives at.

>>

>> early: horse-drawn car

Crusher.

I think it makes butter, too.

>>

>> early: let's get us a

Picture.

Now one on the side.

>>

>> early: yeah, yeah.

That's good.

>>

>> early: come on.

Tease us. Tease us.

>>

>> early: damn it, granny,

Just do it already!

>>

[ car alarm blaring ]

>> granny: there it go.

>> early: I win!

>>

[ distorted ]

>> early: the nightmare is over!

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

>> rusty: how come you didn't

Just take that gps out and

Demolish it?

Seems a waste, you know, to

Destroy a whole truck.

>> early: uh, way to piss on the

Mood, captain bigmouth.

You can walk home.

>> granny: well, we're

Walkin' home.

Got no truck.

>> early: well, we may be

Walkin', but we ain't a-gettin'

Lost -- not with my brand-new

Paul stanley gps.

>>

[ beeping ]

[ insects chirping ]

♪

♪

♪