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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ she run off and took our
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Only chicken ♪
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♪ when I broke jail, the house
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Was burnt and bare ♪
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♪ the japs moved the plant back
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To osaki ♪
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♪ some days, life just don't
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Seem that fair ♪
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I don't care.
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♪ some days, life just don't
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Seem that fair ♪
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: man, let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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>> early: here we are, boy.
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>> rusty: whoo! I'm at the fair!
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>> early: don't you say I never
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Don't do nothin' for you, even
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If that
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>> rusty: sorry, daddy.
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Can I ride somethin' now?
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>> early: yeah, you go and hop
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In that little blue rocket ship
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Over there.
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>> rusty: whoo! All right!
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>> early: off to the moon!
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>> rusty: somebody take a
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Picture of me!
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Whoo! I'm goin' to space!
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Whoo! I'm an explorer!
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All right!
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>> early: to the
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>> granny: yippee!
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[ clanking ]
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>> early: we good here, right,
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Hoss?
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I clearly meet the height
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Requirements as such to tear
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This sumbitch up, do I not?
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>> granny: you're standin' on my
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Eye.
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>> whatever, man.
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[ chuckles ]
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I'm so high, man.
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>> early: you want me to sit on
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The safety bar or the cushy
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Part?
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>> make it your own, bro.
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[ whirring ]
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>> early: [ cheering ]
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Hell yeah!
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Granny, look here!
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Hold your hands up, like this!
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It's fun!
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>> granny: I'm afraid.
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>> early: hold your hands up,
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You dumb bitch!
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>> granny: aaaaaaaaaah!
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>> early: whoo!
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Now stand up, like this!
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Surfin', baby! Whoo!
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>> granny: aaaaaaah!
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>> early: now pull out that
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Shiny pin, like this!
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>> granny: aaaaaaah!
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[ creaking, rattling ]
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Whoa! What's happenin'?
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>> early: what in the hell?!
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>> granny: it ain't gonna hold,
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Early!
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>> rusty: daddy! Granny!
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>> early: we'll be fine!
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We -- we -- we just gotta stick
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Together!
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>> granny: ow!
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You said to stick together!
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>> early: then why'd you come at
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Me?!
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I...Had...No...Choice!
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>> granny: aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
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>> early: wowwww!
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I'll take a hat, two mugs, and a
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Button!
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Owww! Hell yeah!
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>> rusty: ohh, daddy!
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Thank god you're alive!
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>> early: and not a scratch on
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Me.
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I mean...
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M-m-my neck! My back!
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Uh, uh...
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I'll never do jobwork again!
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Oh, thank you, honey.
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>> granny: [ groaning ]
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>> rusty: gran-- granny!
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Somebody get an ambulance!
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Ohh!
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>> early: oh, no!
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Ohhhhhh!
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This was clearly propertated
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On someone else's perpity!
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Potential financery windfall
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Emitent!
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Oh, jackpot!
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[ cries ]
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[ blowtorch buzzing ]
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>> granny: [ groaning ]
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Ooh!
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>> sheriff: all right, early,
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Tell me what happened here.
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>> early: well, officer, last
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Thing I remember was, we was
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Buckled in safely on the ride
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With our hands and feet in the
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Vehicle at all times, in
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Accordance with the common sense
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And the park rules.
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>> sheriff: well, your hat, your
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Button, and your mug seem to say
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Different, early.
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And your -- your baseball jersey
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And your poster and what I hope
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Is a-a
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>> granny: [ groaning ]
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>> early: you hang on, little
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Gal.
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Till I say when, okay?
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>> rusty: come on, daddy.
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We need to go with her.
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>> early: yeah, we'll knock that
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Out.
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>> rusty: well, t-they're
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Leavin'
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Meet us at the hospital?
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>> early: oh, is
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Y'all goin'?
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Yeah, sure. We'll get there.
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[ engine idling ]
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>> rusty: okay, a-all right.
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Bye.
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[ door opens, closes ]
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>> early: catch you on the flop,
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Now.
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[ siren wails ]
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>> sheriff: that a new earring,
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There, early?
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>> early: yup.
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Shiny things appeal to me.
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It's my nature.
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>> sheriff: you know, early,
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That earring looks damn near
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Close to this critical piece of
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The ride.
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[ clatter, crash ]
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Oops. [ chuckles ]
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Sorry, boyd.
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Damn if I ain't got another
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Investigation to do.
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Early, you stick around here.
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Don't you leave town.
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>> early: hang on! Hang on!
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Don't the law say I'm supposed
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To get me some monies on here?
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>> sheriff: well, you might have
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A civil suit here, I think,
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Might, you know, be a
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Possibility.
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>> early: I'm suin'! Yes!
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>> dan halen: damn it!
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Civil suit!
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>> sheriff: yeah, he did mention
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Rentin' that blimp.
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>> dan halen: yes, that squid
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Has always been extremely...
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Litigious.
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[ whirring ]
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>> early: I ain't gettin' off at
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All sniffin' this mess!
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I'm suin'!
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I shouldn't even be drivin'
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This!
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I'll sue!
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And there ain't no damn
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Lactation room provided for
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Breast-feedin' mamas!
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I'm suin'!
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There's no two-way mirror in the
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Lactation room provided for
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Y'all mamas!
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Hell, I'm suin'!
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There ain't no...
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[ coughs ]
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...Company-provided fresh-air...
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[ coughs ]
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...Respirators, as required
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By osha.
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>> dan halen: let me guess --
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You're suing, right?
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>> early: [ coughing ]
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>> dan halen: we have discussed
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This with our lawyers, and I'm
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Prepared to make you an offer of
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One glug brand "Boozy susan
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Get the party started" kit --
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With hat attachment,
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Of course.
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>> early: so spinny.
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So spinny-shiny.
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[ chuckles ]
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So, uh, what's the catch?
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>> dan halen: there's no catch,
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Exactly.
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All we need is your signature on
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These forms relinquishing us
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From all responsibility.
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>> early: hey, gimme a pen,
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There.
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How you be spellin' "Early"?
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>> rusty: no, daddy! No, no!
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Now, we was actually thinkin'
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That
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Startin' point, right here.
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>> dan halen: 700 american
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Dollars!
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>> rusty: no, you need them
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Other pages.
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Hey, daddy, get him addendum 2
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Through 7 of the handout.
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>> early: here you go.
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You just place 'em all together
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In a big ol' line, like a big
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Ol' long money choo-choo.
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>> rusty: ♪ money train, money,
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Money, money train ♪
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Whoo-whoo!
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>> early: cashy. Cashy train.
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>> dan halen: hmm.
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Of what
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>> early: all right.
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I'm gonna write down a figure
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Here, and you tell me if this
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Will work.
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>> dan halen: hmm.
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>> early: I call it truckipede!
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>> rusty: I like to call it a
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Truckapillar.
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>> early: truckapillar!
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Point is, I want it.
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You give it to me!
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>> sheriff: so, uh, think
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That'll settle this whole
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Affair?
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>> dan halen: no.
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We'll see you in court.
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[ whirring ]
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>> early: you're lucky I'm
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Paralyzed by grief!
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I'm so damn sad on account of I
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Lost my granny 'cause of your
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Ass!
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>> sheriff: actually, I heard
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She's doin' a lot better.
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>> early: you what, now?
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>> granny: 9...
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10.
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Whoo!
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>> early: what the?!
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Are you out of your damn mind?!
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>> granny: come on, now.
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>> early: exertising like this!
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>> granny: I'm about to do my
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Super sets.
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>> early: you're gonna ruin
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Every damn thing!
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>> rusty: granny, granny, you're
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Okay, aren't ya?
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>> granny: [ slurps ]
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Who knew exercise and a good
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Diet would lead you to a
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Healthier lifestyle?
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[ slurps ]
286
00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:28,006
I ain't felt this good in all my
287
00:06:28,008 --> 00:06:29,005
48 years.
288
00:06:29,007 --> 00:06:30,008
>> early: crazy asshole bitch!
289
00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:31,011
>> rusty: oh, granny, I thought
290
00:06:31,013 --> 00:06:32,008
You was dead for sure.
291
00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,018
>> granny: me too.
292
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:36,004
I was lyin' under that twisted
293
00:06:36,006 --> 00:06:39,009
Wreckage, and I seen a light.
294
00:06:39,011 --> 00:06:42,013
Oh, boy! It's finally time!
295
00:06:42,015 --> 00:06:43,017
I'm ready, lloyd!
296
00:06:43,019 --> 00:06:45,001
>> did she just call me "Lloyd"?
297
00:06:45,003 --> 00:06:45,029
>> granny: here I am!
298
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:47,006
>> see if you can push it back.
299
00:06:47,008 --> 00:06:48,008
Just schedule it after the
300
00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:48,020
Holidays.
301
00:06:48,022 --> 00:06:49,015
She'll forget.
302
00:06:49,017 --> 00:06:51,004
>> granny: hey, what's all this?
303
00:06:51,006 --> 00:06:52,001
What's goin' on?
304
00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:53,014
You better be goin', now.
305
00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:55,019
Jesus is waitin' for me!
306
00:06:55,021 --> 00:06:57,029
I guess the lord had a higher
307
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:58,016
Purp--
308
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,009
>> early: no, hell, he don't!
309
00:07:00,011 --> 00:07:01,026
You gotta look busted up!
310
00:07:01,028 --> 00:07:03,013
My entire case relies on you.
311
00:07:03,015 --> 00:07:05,003
You know, your mony-- mony--
312
00:07:05,005 --> 00:07:05,026
Testimo--
313
00:07:05,028 --> 00:07:07,010
You know, your damn public
314
00:07:07,012 --> 00:07:07,029
Talky!
315
00:07:08,001 --> 00:07:08,015
[ gavel bangs ]
316
00:07:08,017 --> 00:07:09,015
>> all right, all right.
317
00:07:09,017 --> 00:07:11,007
Mr. Cuyler, you may proceed.
318
00:07:11,009 --> 00:07:12,027
>> early: thank you, judge.
319
00:07:12,029 --> 00:07:14,014
I call russell cuyler to the
320
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,020
Stand.
321
00:07:15,022 --> 00:07:17,006
Do you swear to tell the truth,
322
00:07:17,008 --> 00:07:18,017
The whole truth, and nothin' but
323
00:07:18,019 --> 00:07:20,003
The truth, as I told it to you
324
00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:21,009
To tell you, with the exact
325
00:07:21,011 --> 00:07:22,020
Verbitage I done told you to say
326
00:07:22,022 --> 00:07:23,009
About it?
327
00:07:23,011 --> 00:07:24,007
>> rusty: sure do.
328
00:07:24,009 --> 00:07:25,014
>> sheriff: early, you just
329
00:07:25,016 --> 00:07:26,029
Swore him in on the july issue
330
00:07:27,001 --> 00:07:27,018
Of
331
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:28,013
>> early: yeah, that'n.
332
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,008
>> sheriff: [ sighs ]
333
00:07:29,010 --> 00:07:30,001
All right, go ahead.
334
00:07:30,003 --> 00:07:31,011
>> early: young man, do you
335
00:07:31,013 --> 00:07:33,002
Remember the story we carefully
336
00:07:33,004 --> 00:07:34,015
Made up so that we could make
337
00:07:34,017 --> 00:07:36,005
This whole courtroom thing come
338
00:07:36,007 --> 00:07:37,020
Out our way so we'd look gooder
339
00:07:37,022 --> 00:07:39,000
Than hell at the top?
340
00:07:39,002 --> 00:07:39,027
>> rusty: yes, sir.
341
00:07:39,029 --> 00:07:40,019
>> early: no further
342
00:07:40,021 --> 00:07:41,011
Questulations.
343
00:07:41,013 --> 00:07:43,007
>> dan halen: rusty, tell me how
344
00:07:43,009 --> 00:07:45,015
It's been for you these last few
345
00:07:45,017 --> 00:07:46,006
Days.
346
00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:47,014
>> rusty: oh, it ain't been bad.
347
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:48,028
I mean, granny's actually been
348
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:49,015
Doin' better --
349
00:07:49,017 --> 00:07:54,007
>> early: [ clearing throat ]
350
00:07:54,009 --> 00:07:55,008
>> rusty: o-oh, yeah.
351
00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:56,003
Oh, yeah, yeah.
352
00:07:56,005 --> 00:07:57,004
It's been a nightmare.
353
00:07:57,006 --> 00:07:58,010
I can't eat, I can't sleep,
354
00:07:58,012 --> 00:07:59,021
Thinkin' about how that terrible
355
00:07:59,023 --> 00:08:01,003
Ride took my granny from me.
356
00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:02,013
I mean, hell, I ain't even able
357
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,029
To drink and see whores, like I
358
00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:04,015
Normally do.
359
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,014
>> early: that's
360
00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:06,014
>> rusty: oh, yeah, right.
361
00:08:06,016 --> 00:08:07,014
I see you highlighted that.
362
00:08:07,016 --> 00:08:08,004
Anyway...
363
00:08:08,006 --> 00:08:09,016
[ voice breaking ] I don't think
364
00:08:09,018 --> 00:08:11,005
I'll ever be able to ride a ride
365
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:11,014
Again!
366
00:08:11,016 --> 00:08:12,012
>> dan halen: mm-hmm.
367
00:08:12,014 --> 00:08:13,008
>> early: nailed it!
368
00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:14,014
>> dan halen: yes. Interesting.
369
00:08:14,016 --> 00:08:16,008
Well, tell me, is this a
370
00:08:16,010 --> 00:08:18,009
Photograph of -- of you?
371
00:08:18,011 --> 00:08:19,013
>> rusty: I-I don't recall.
372
00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:20,019
>> dan halen: you don't recall
373
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,027
If you were on the ride
374
00:08:22,013 --> 00:08:23,011
>> rusty: I do not have
375
00:08:23,013 --> 00:08:24,007
Knowledge of that.
376
00:08:24,009 --> 00:08:25,010
>> dan halen: well, what about
377
00:08:25,012 --> 00:08:26,005
The day before
378
00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:27,000
>> rusty: I do not --
379
00:08:27,002 --> 00:08:28,002
>> dan halen: and the day before
380
00:08:28,015 --> 00:08:29,014
>> rusty: well, I suppose --
381
00:08:29,016 --> 00:08:30,015
>> dan halen: and again this
382
00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:31,005
Very morning?!
383
00:08:31,007 --> 00:08:32,001
[ spectators murmur ]
384
00:08:32,003 --> 00:08:33,004
>> rusty: I can't be expected to
385
00:08:33,006 --> 00:08:34,006
Keep track of every time I've
386
00:08:34,008 --> 00:08:35,009
Been able to ride that kick-ass
387
00:08:35,011 --> 00:08:36,011
Ride they got out there by the
388
00:08:36,013 --> 00:08:36,028
Pig-rite.
389
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:37,020
>> early: hold on, judge!
390
00:08:37,022 --> 00:08:39,002
Hold on, now!
391
00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:40,016
Are you tellin' me that this
392
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:42,004
Ride is still open?
393
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:44,012
Even after all the tragedy?
394
00:08:44,014 --> 00:08:45,003
Whoo! Resale!
395
00:08:45,005 --> 00:08:46,011
>> rusty: hell yeah! I told you!
396
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:47,014
>> early: 'course, it don't
397
00:08:47,016 --> 00:08:48,018
Quite seem as fast as before.
398
00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:50,001
>> rusty: can we ride it again?
399
00:08:50,003 --> 00:08:51,004
>> early: well, this
400
00:08:51,006 --> 00:08:52,013
Discovery phase.
401
00:08:52,015 --> 00:08:53,028
I'll allow it.
402
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:56,001
I now call ruby jean cuyler to
403
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,004
The stand.
404
00:08:57,006 --> 00:08:58,014
Now, this here's gonna have to
405
00:08:58,016 --> 00:08:59,029
Be a closed-coffin testimony,
406
00:09:00,001 --> 00:09:00,010
Judge.
407
00:09:00,012 --> 00:09:01,017
>> granny: [ muffled ] What'd
408
00:09:01,019 --> 00:09:02,006
You say?
409
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,014
>> early: she's ill and very
410
00:09:03,016 --> 00:09:05,016
Dead and quite zombified.
411
00:09:05,018 --> 00:09:06,016
>> granny: wait. What?
412
00:09:06,018 --> 00:09:07,027
>> early: granny cuyler, if
413
00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:09,000
That's your real name...
414
00:09:09,002 --> 00:09:10,002
>> granny: do what, now?
415
00:09:10,004 --> 00:09:11,016
>> early: is it true that you
416
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,006
One of them zombies what died
417
00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:14,027
And come back to talk to us on
418
00:09:14,029 --> 00:09:16,019
Account of his ride fell and
419
00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:18,017
Killed you dead?!
420
00:09:18,019 --> 00:09:19,009
>> granny: no.
421
00:09:19,011 --> 00:09:20,012
>> early: a simple "Yes" will
422
00:09:20,014 --> 00:09:20,028
Do.
423
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,005
Let the record state that "Yes"
424
00:09:22,007 --> 00:09:23,010
Was the word what come out of
425
00:09:23,012 --> 00:09:24,000
The coffin.
426
00:09:24,002 --> 00:09:25,000
>> granny: I'm gettin'
427
00:09:25,002 --> 00:09:25,017
Claustrophobic!
428
00:09:25,019 --> 00:09:26,019
>> early: uh, we'll strike that
429
00:09:26,021 --> 00:09:27,010
From the record.
430
00:09:27,012 --> 00:09:28,014
Would it be accurate to say that
431
00:09:28,016 --> 00:09:30,004
My client here craves a
432
00:09:30,006 --> 00:09:32,004
Brand-new
433
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,014
Of this whole deal here?
434
00:09:33,016 --> 00:09:34,012
>> granny: I guess so.
435
00:09:34,014 --> 00:09:35,014
>> early: and let the record
436
00:09:35,016 --> 00:09:36,019
State that he should have one!
437
00:09:36,021 --> 00:09:37,029
>> granny: could I please just
438
00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:38,027
Open the lid a little?
439
00:09:38,029 --> 00:09:39,017
>> early: thank you.
440
00:09:39,019 --> 00:09:40,014
No further questions.
441
00:09:40,016 --> 00:09:43,001
No further questions, zombie!
442
00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:46,005
>> dan halen: a zombie, eh?
443
00:09:46,007 --> 00:09:47,019
[ spectators murmur ]
444
00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:48,012
[ thud ]
445
00:09:48,014 --> 00:09:51,002
Isn't this gelatinous organ
446
00:09:51,004 --> 00:09:53,019
Something that the zombies of
447
00:09:53,021 --> 00:09:56,018
The world supposedly
448
00:09:56,020 --> 00:10:00,002
And yet you sit idly by --
449
00:10:00,004 --> 00:10:00,011
Oh.
450
00:10:00,013 --> 00:10:02,004
Oh, she -- oh, she
451
00:10:02,006 --> 00:10:03,008
>> granny: oh, good.
452
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:04,014
>> dan halen: [ sighs ]
453
00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,007
>> granny: oh, I ain't a zombie.
454
00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:07,018
It's just we don't get much
455
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,018
Protein out here.
456
00:10:08,020 --> 00:10:09,011
[ gavel bangs ]
457
00:10:09,013 --> 00:10:10,018
>> if you ain't no zombie, then
458
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:11,011
You ain't dead.
459
00:10:11,013 --> 00:10:12,009
>> early: wait, wait!
460
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:13,012
>> and he ain't suffered no
461
00:10:13,014 --> 00:10:13,028
Loss.
462
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:14,013
>> early: no!
463
00:10:14,015 --> 00:10:15,018
>> so he can't claim any cash
464
00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:16,012
Reward from
465
00:10:16,014 --> 00:10:17,003
>> early: no!
466
00:10:17,005 --> 00:10:18,015
>> I hereby dismiss this case.
467
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,021
>> early: wait, wait! No!
468
00:10:19,023 --> 00:10:20,019
Where you goin'?!
469
00:10:20,021 --> 00:10:22,005
Come on! We can work it out!
470
00:10:22,007 --> 00:10:23,020
I'm gonna be the bigger man and
471
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:25,010
Put all this bitterness behind
472
00:10:25,012 --> 00:10:25,019
Us.
473
00:10:25,021 --> 00:10:28,002
Don't leave! Let's work it out!
474
00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:28,028
Wait a minute.
475
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,005
This here's a truckipede!
476
00:10:30,007 --> 00:10:31,018
You was gonna settle with me?!
477
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:33,001
Give it to me! I want it!
478
00:10:33,003 --> 00:10:33,017
It's mine!
479
00:10:33,019 --> 00:10:34,008
[ crunch ]
480
00:10:34,010 --> 00:10:35,012
Aaaah! My damn foot!
481
00:10:35,014 --> 00:10:36,019
>> dan halen: damn it!
482
00:10:36,021 --> 00:10:37,011
>> early: ow!
483
00:10:37,013 --> 00:10:38,010
I'll never walk again!
484
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,006
I'm gonna sue you!
485
00:10:39,008 --> 00:10:40,011
I'm gonna sue you right now!
486
00:10:40,013 --> 00:10:41,013
>> dan halen: okay, fine.
487
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,029
What do you want?
488
00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:44,014
>> early: ha ha! Joke's on him!
489
00:10:44,016 --> 00:10:45,017
It weren't my foot.
490
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,004
It was a damn second penis.
491
00:10:47,006 --> 00:10:48,017
Hell, I weren't even usin' it.
492
00:10:48,019 --> 00:10:50,002
>> granny: a fool and his
493
00:10:50,004 --> 00:10:50,017
Money...
494
00:10:50,019 --> 00:10:52,015
>> early: together again!
30401
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