Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ she run off and took our

Only chicken ♪

♪ when I broke jail, the house

Was burnt and bare ♪

♪ the japs moved the plant back

To osaki ♪

♪ some days, life just don't

Seem that fair ♪

I don't care.

♪ some days, life just don't

Seem that fair ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> early: here we are, boy.

>> rusty: whoo! I'm at the fair!

>> early: don't you say I never

Don't do nothin' for you, even

If that

>> rusty: sorry, daddy.

Can I ride somethin' now?

>> early: yeah, you go and hop

In that little blue rocket ship

Over there.

>> rusty: whoo! All right!

>> early: off to the moon!

>> rusty: somebody take a

Picture of me!

Whoo! I'm goin' to space!

Whoo! I'm an explorer!

All right!

>> early: to the

>> granny: yippee!

[ clanking ]

>> early: we good here, right,

Hoss?

I clearly meet the height

Requirements as such to tear

This sumbitch up, do I not?

>> granny: you're standin' on my

Eye.

>> whatever, man.

[ chuckles ]

I'm so high, man.

>> early: you want me to sit on

The safety bar or the cushy

Part?

>> make it your own, bro.

[ whirring ]

>> early: [ cheering ]

Hell yeah!

Granny, look here!

Hold your hands up, like this!

It's fun!

>> granny: I'm afraid.

>> early: hold your hands up,

You dumb bitch!

>> granny: aaaaaaaaaah!

>> early: whoo!

Now stand up, like this!

Surfin', baby! Whoo!

>> granny: aaaaaaah!

>> early: now pull out that

Shiny pin, like this!

>> granny: aaaaaaah!

[ creaking, rattling ]

Whoa! What's happenin'?

>> early: what in the hell?!

>> granny: it ain't gonna hold,

Early!

>> rusty: daddy! Granny!

>> early: we'll be fine!

We -- we -- we just gotta stick

Together!

>> granny: ow!

You said to stick together!

>> early: then why'd you come at

Me?!

I...Had...No...Choice!

>> granny: aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

>> early: wowwww!

I'll take a hat, two mugs, and a

Button!

Owww! Hell yeah!

>> rusty: ohh, daddy!

Thank god you're alive!

>> early: and not a scratch on

Me.

I mean...

M-m-my neck! My back!

Uh, uh...

I'll never do jobwork again!

Oh, thank you, honey.

>> granny: [ groaning ]

>> rusty: gran-- granny!

Somebody get an ambulance!

Ohh!

>> early: oh, no!

Ohhhhhh!

This was clearly propertated

On someone else's perpity!

Potential financery windfall

Emitent!

Oh, jackpot!

[ cries ]

[ blowtorch buzzing ]

>> granny: [ groaning ]

Ooh!

>> sheriff: all right, early,

Tell me what happened here.

>> early: well, officer, last

Thing I remember was, we was

Buckled in safely on the ride

With our hands and feet in the

Vehicle at all times, in

Accordance with the common sense

And the park rules.

>> sheriff: well, your hat, your

Button, and your mug seem to say

Different, early.

And your -- your baseball jersey

And your poster and what I hope

Is a-a

>> granny: [ groaning ]

>> early: you hang on, little

Gal.

Till I say when, okay?

>> rusty: come on, daddy.

We need to go with her.

>> early: yeah, we'll knock that

Out.

>> rusty: well, t-they're

Leavin'

Meet us at the hospital?

>> early: oh, is

Y'all goin'?

Yeah, sure. We'll get there.

[ engine idling ]

>> rusty: okay, a-all right.

Bye.

[ door opens, closes ]

>> early: catch you on the flop,

Now.

[ siren wails ]

>> sheriff: that a new earring,

There, early?

>> early: yup.

Shiny things appeal to me.

It's my nature.

>> sheriff: you know, early,

That earring looks damn near

Close to this critical piece of

The ride.

[ clatter, crash ]

Oops. [ chuckles ]

Sorry, boyd.

Damn if I ain't got another

Investigation to do.

Early, you stick around here.

Don't you leave town.

>> early: hang on! Hang on!

Don't the law say I'm supposed

To get me some monies on here?

>> sheriff: well, you might have

A civil suit here, I think,

Might, you know, be a

Possibility.

>> early: I'm suin'! Yes!

>> dan halen: damn it!

Civil suit!

>> sheriff: yeah, he did mention

Rentin' that blimp.

>> dan halen: yes, that squid

Has always been extremely...

Litigious.

[ whirring ]

>> early: I ain't gettin' off at

All sniffin' this mess!

I'm suin'!

I shouldn't even be drivin'

This!

I'll sue!

And there ain't no damn

Lactation room provided for

Breast-feedin' mamas!

I'm suin'!

There's no two-way mirror in the

Lactation room provided for

Y'all mamas!

Hell, I'm suin'!

There ain't no...

[ coughs ]

...Company-provided fresh-air...

[ coughs ]

...Respirators, as required

By osha.

>> dan halen: let me guess --

You're suing, right?

>> early: [ coughing ]

>> dan halen: we have discussed

This with our lawyers, and I'm

Prepared to make you an offer of

One glug brand "Boozy susan

Get the party started" kit --

With hat attachment,

Of course.

>> early: so spinny.

So spinny-shiny.

[ chuckles ]

So, uh, what's the catch?

>> dan halen: there's no catch,

Exactly.

All we need is your signature on

These forms relinquishing us

From all responsibility.

>> early: hey, gimme a pen,

There.

How you be spellin' "Early"?

>> rusty: no, daddy! No, no!

Now, we was actually thinkin'

That

Startin' point, right here.

>> dan halen: 700 american

Dollars!

>> rusty: no, you need them

Other pages.

Hey, daddy, get him addendum 2

Through 7 of the handout.

>> early: here you go.

You just place 'em all together

In a big ol' line, like a big

Ol' long money choo-choo.

>> rusty: ♪ money train, money,

Money, money train ♪

Whoo-whoo!

>> early: cashy. Cashy train.

>> dan halen: hmm.

Of what

>> early: all right.

I'm gonna write down a figure

Here, and you tell me if this

Will work.

>> dan halen: hmm.

>> early: I call it truckipede!

>> rusty: I like to call it a

Truckapillar.

>> early: truckapillar!

Point is, I want it.

You give it to me!

>> sheriff: so, uh, think

That'll settle this whole

Affair?

>> dan halen: no.

We'll see you in court.

[ whirring ]

>> early: you're lucky I'm

Paralyzed by grief!

I'm so damn sad on account of I

Lost my granny 'cause of your

Ass!

>> sheriff: actually, I heard

She's doin' a lot better.

>> early: you what, now?

>> granny: 9...

10.

Whoo!

>> early: what the?!

Are you out of your damn mind?!

>> granny: come on, now.

>> early: exertising like this!

>> granny: I'm about to do my

Super sets.

>> early: you're gonna ruin

Every damn thing!

>> rusty: granny, granny, you're

Okay, aren't ya?

>> granny: [ slurps ]

Who knew exercise and a good

Diet would lead you to a

Healthier lifestyle?

[ slurps ]

I ain't felt this good in all my

48 years.

>> early: crazy asshole bitch!

>> rusty: oh, granny, I thought

You was dead for sure.

>> granny: me too.

I was lyin' under that twisted

Wreckage, and I seen a light.

Oh, boy! It's finally time!

I'm ready, lloyd!

>> did she just call me "Lloyd"?

>> granny: here I am!

>> see if you can push it back.

Just schedule it after the

Holidays.

She'll forget.

>> granny: hey, what's all this?

What's goin' on?

You better be goin', now.

Jesus is waitin' for me!

I guess the lord had a higher

Purp--

>> early: no, hell, he don't!

You gotta look busted up!

My entire case relies on you.

You know, your mony-- mony--

Testimo--

You know, your damn public

Talky!

[ gavel bangs ]

>> all right, all right.

Mr. Cuyler, you may proceed.

>> early: thank you, judge.

I call russell cuyler to the

Stand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

The whole truth, and nothin' but

The truth, as I told it to you

To tell you, with the exact

Verbitage I done told you to say

About it?

>> rusty: sure do.

>> sheriff: early, you just

Swore him in on the july issue

Of

>> early: yeah, that'n.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

All right, go ahead.

>> early: young man, do you

Remember the story we carefully

Made up so that we could make

This whole courtroom thing come

Out our way so we'd look gooder

Than hell at the top?

>> rusty: yes, sir.

>> early: no further

Questulations.

>> dan halen: rusty, tell me how

It's been for you these last few

Days.

>> rusty: oh, it ain't been bad.

I mean, granny's actually been

Doin' better --

>> early: [ clearing throat ]

>> rusty: o-oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's been a nightmare.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,

Thinkin' about how that terrible

Ride took my granny from me.

I mean, hell, I ain't even able

To drink and see whores, like I

Normally do.

>> early: that's

>> rusty: oh, yeah, right.

I see you highlighted that.

Anyway...

[ voice breaking ] I don't think

I'll ever be able to ride a ride

Again!

>> dan halen: mm-hmm.

>> early: nailed it!

>> dan halen: yes. Interesting.

Well, tell me, is this a

Photograph of -- of you?

>> rusty: I-I don't recall.

>> dan halen: you don't recall

If you were on the ride

>> rusty: I do not have

Knowledge of that.

>> dan halen: well, what about

The day before

>> rusty: I do not --

>> dan halen: and the day before

>> rusty: well, I suppose --

>> dan halen: and again this

Very morning?!

[ spectators murmur ]

>> rusty: I can't be expected to

Keep track of every time I've

Been able to ride that kick-ass

Ride they got out there by the

Pig-rite.

>> early: hold on, judge!

Hold on, now!

Are you tellin' me that this

Ride is still open?

Even after all the tragedy?

Whoo! Resale!

>> rusty: hell yeah! I told you!

>> early: 'course, it don't

Quite seem as fast as before.

>> rusty: can we ride it again?

>> early: well, this

Discovery phase.

I'll allow it.

I now call ruby jean cuyler to

The stand.

Now, this here's gonna have to

Be a closed-coffin testimony,

Judge.

>> granny: [ muffled ] What'd

You say?

>> early: she's ill and very

Dead and quite zombified.

>> granny: wait. What?

>> early: granny cuyler, if

That's your real name...

>> granny: do what, now?

>> early: is it true that you

One of them zombies what died

And come back to talk to us on

Account of his ride fell and

Killed you dead?!

>> granny: no.

>> early: a simple "Yes" will

Do.

Let the record state that "Yes"

Was the word what come out of

The coffin.

>> granny: I'm gettin'

Claustrophobic!

>> early: uh, we'll strike that

From the record.

Would it be accurate to say that

My client here craves a

Brand-new

Of this whole deal here?

>> granny: I guess so.

>> early: and let the record

State that he should have one!

>> granny: could I please just

Open the lid a little?

>> early: thank you.

No further questions.

No further questions, zombie!

>> dan halen: a zombie, eh?

[ spectators murmur ]

[ thud ]

Isn't this gelatinous organ

Something that the zombies of

The world supposedly

And yet you sit idly by --

Oh.

Oh, she -- oh, she

>> granny: oh, good.

>> dan halen: [ sighs ]

>> granny: oh, I ain't a zombie.

It's just we don't get much

Protein out here.

[ gavel bangs ]

>> if you ain't no zombie, then

You ain't dead.

>> early: wait, wait!

>> and he ain't suffered no

Loss.

>> early: no!

>> so he can't claim any cash

Reward from

>> early: no!

>> I hereby dismiss this case.

>> early: wait, wait! No!

Where you goin'?!

Come on! We can work it out!

I'm gonna be the bigger man and

Put all this bitterness behind

Us.

Don't leave! Let's work it out!

Wait a minute.

This here's a truckipede!

You was gonna settle with me?!

Give it to me! I want it!

It's mine!

[ crunch ]

Aaaah! My damn foot!

>> dan halen: damn it!

>> early: ow!

I'll never walk again!

I'm gonna sue you!

I'm gonna sue you right now!

>> dan halen: okay, fine.

What do you want?

>> early: ha ha! Joke's on him!

It weren't my foot.

It was a damn second penis.

Hell, I weren't even usin' it.

>> granny: a fool and his

Money...

>> early: together again!