Original subtitles

[ static ] [ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my oldest son was born an Albino ♪

♪ my youngest is, uh, covered in Hair ♪

♪ the middle one says he's a Homosexual ♪

♪ and the other seven gone, I Don't know where ♪

Well, I raised 'em right.

They ought to be fine.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> sheriff: hey, early, come on Out here.

I got somethin' amazin' out here I want you to see.

>> early: no. Suck it.

>> sheriff: come on, early.

I'm seein' things out here I Can't believe.

>> granny: okay, you piqued my Interest.

>> sheriff: that's great, Granny.

Uh, now if we could just get Early to join us, well, that'd

Just be -- >> granny: oh, he ain't here.

He got him a job sellin' bibles Door-to-door, thank jesus.

>> early: [ coughs ] >> sheriff: is he smokin' some

Sort of drug pipe in there?

>> granny: well, he needs to get His mind right.

Sales is a high-pressure gig.

>> sheriff: well, uh, I'm glad To see he's matured and

Acceptin' some responsibility.

>> early: how you like this?!

My ass in the window!

[ laughs ] >> sheriff: [ sighs ]

I don't like it one bit.

>> granny: me neither, but he Likes to close strong.

>> sheriff: come on, granny.

>> granny: [ gasps ] [ calliope music plays ]

>> sheriff: well, here it is.

>> granny: it's beautiful, Sheriff!

[ moans ] It's everything you said it

Would be.

>> damn it, lady.

I'm tryin' to smoke here.

>> sheriff: I'm talkin' about The contraption, granny.

It's a holodeck.

You can use it to make your Wildest dreams come true.

>> granny: my wildest dreams Comin' true.

>> sheriff: granny, leave him Alone!

>> hey, how 'bout a little Privacy, buddy?

I don't judge

>> granny: [ grunting ] >> sheriff: okay, kenny.

You know the fantasy.

[ holodeck whirs ] [ puppies panting ]

[ giggling ] That's wonderful!

Do I taste like a biscuit?

Do I?

Whew! Ooh-ee!

Next time, I want

[ chuckles ] Balls out!

>> granny: ooh! Ooh!

I want to try! Me! Me!

>> sheriff: just imagine what You want most in your life, and

It'll be yours.

>> granny: oh.

Oh, my goodness.

My fantasy!

It's -- it's happening!

Sweet relief!

[ gun cocks, fires ] >> sheriff: uh, granny?

>> granny: [ muffled ] Not now.

Just let me soak this in for a Little while.

>> sheriff: okay.

It's just makin' me sad, is all.

>> granny: all right. Fine.

Let's see.

[ gasps ] Mammy? Mammy, is that you?

>> there, there, darlin'.

You're with your mammy now.

That's where you are.

You're with your mammy.

>> granny: oh, mammy, why did You run off with your friend

Lamar and drop me off at the Post office in a box labeled

"Free baby"?

>> I did do that, didn't I?

>> granny: ohh.

>> [ chuckles ] That was wild.

You with your mammy now.

Ain't nobody gonna hurt you in This whole big world.

>> early: enough, woman!

>> granny: mammy!

>> granny child!

>> early: my...Turn...

To fantasify!

I'm gonna get sloppy in here, Hoss.

>> sheriff: well, hey, there, Early.

[ chuckles ] I knew you'd come around sooner

Or later.

>> early: here we go.

[ grunts ] Did I do one?

>> sheriff: no.

>> early: [ grunts ] >> sheriff: you can't force it.

Just, um, relax.

>> early: did I do one?

>> sheriff: unh-unh.

>> early: [ grunting ] >> sheriff: uh, y-you're gettin'

A nosebleed, here.

>> early: I think that was one, Wasn't it?

>> sheriff: no.

>> early: [ grunting ] Think I feel one comin' on!

Whoo! Yah!

Giddy on up, you damn magical Beast!

Yah! Whoo!

What was that? Was that one?

Didn't I do one?

>> sheriff: no, not really, no.

>> early: I was that damn close To imagifyin', and you

Interrupted my god damn Sumbitchin' imagitaterin'!

>> sheriff: just send him to Panama city.

[ holodeck whirs ] >> early: [ gasps ]

[ rock music plays ] Hell yeah! Pcb, baby! Whoo!

>> ♪ florida ♪ florida

>> early: yeah! Whoo! Hell yeah!

Whoo!

[ laughter ] >> sheriff: and no consequences

For your actions, neither.

>> early: no...Consemaquitas?

Uh...

>> sheriff: consequences.

You know, t-the result of doin' Somethin'.

Like when you drink liquor all Weekend --

>> early: brown or see-through?

>> sheriff: well, either one, Uh --

>> early: how much liquor?

I gotta budget out my weekend, You know.

>> sheriff: I'm talkin' about Consequences.

>> early: you keep sayin' "Liquor."

Where's the damn liquor at?

>> sheriff: now, early, the real Point is --

>> early: oh, no, no. I get it.

I

Consequenchifyin' my thirst.

Let's go hog-ass wild right now!

Come on! Pcb, baby!

Whoo!

>> sheriff: ow!

>> early: how you like that?!

Huh?!

Take that!

You and me now, baby!

Whoo! No consequences!

>> sheriff: there you go.

Ohh!

You're gettin' the hang of it, Early.

>> all: jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump!

>> early: y'all want I should Jump?

[ all cheering ] >> jump, you stupid asshole!

>> early: w-w-whoo!

[ grunts ] [ all gasp ]

>> oh, dude.

>> early: pcb, baby! Whoo!

[ all cheering ] >> jump, e-dawg! Jump!

>> early: w-w-whoo!

[ grunts ] >> up top, brah.

>> early: pcb.

[ all cheer weakly ] >> jump, jump. Jump, jump.

>> sheriff: hey, early?

I-I hate to keep interruptin' Your holodeck experience, there,

But maybe you should try, um, Somethin' different?

>> hey, e-dawg, am I gonna have To flush this turd?

>> early: stay cool, devon.

Let me handle it.

Like what, law dawg?

>> sheriff: well,

You got all of space and time at Your command.

>> early: damn. You right.

W-what the hell was I thinkin'?

Hey, bring that pool closer!

>> both: jump! Jump! Jump!

>> early: w-w-whoo!

[ grunts ] >> yeah, e-dawg!

>> sheriff: should have made it A little bit deeper, too, early.

>> yeah, brah!

>> early: pbc. Hell yeah.

[ grunts ] Now let's go beat the holy hell

Out of some of them dolphins.

>> rusty: hey, daddy.

Too.

>> oh, whoa, whoa, oh.

You want to bump with me?

You want to bump with me?

>> early: devon, chill!

It's all good.

>> he's all up in your grille, Man.

>> early: I'll handle it, hoss.

I'll handle it.

Son, what are you doin' here?

Now, don't take this the wrong Way, but you don't exist in my

Perfect dreamworld.

>> rusty: well, I just -- >> early: in my dreamworld, I

Wasn't so damn, uh, insistent About ridin' bareback all the

Time.

>> rusty: well, I got up in that Holodeck thing, and I knew I

Could have anything I wanted to.

And it was my fantasy that you And me, you know, we'd spend

Some time together, daddy.

>> early: you're right, son.

You're right.

But it's just, I wish you Weren't so damn borin'.

I-I get so busy gettin' caught Up in things that are more

Interestin' than you are that I-I lose sight of what's really

Important, like havin' somebody To watch my ass durin' a

Criminal endeavor.

>> rusty: what you puttin' on Me?

>> early: shut your damn mouth.

This here is a future suit.

>> rusty: what the hell?

What is this, daddy?

>> early: we in the future, but We from the past, right?

We know what happened in all Them ufc stock-car races and

Cockfights, don't we?

So we bet the monies on them Contests

Winnings back to the past, and, Hell, we live like kings!

>> rusty: now, daddy, I-I don't Think you can bet on somethin'

That's already happened, can You?

>> early: they don't know that.

Hell,

They from the future.

We makin' the damn rules here.

>> rusty: ain't these people Imaginary?

And even if they wasn't, ain't They been in the past, just like

Us?

>> early: damn it.

You ain't listenin'.

They from the future!

It's a damn different time!

>> rusty: so, then we just...

Bet money on somethin' that's Already happened?

>> rusty: yeah, that's the Thing.

Gimme some monies.

You got money, right?

>> rusty: no.

>> early: well, now, this is how We get the money -- with this

Whole bettin' thing.

>> rusty: well, we Make up some money with our

Mind.

Whoo! Daddy, I'm rich!

>> early: no, now, that ain't Gonna work.

[ grunts ] >> rusty: uh-oh.

W-where are we now?

>> early: the question is, Are we, son?

I'm afraid we're at a painful Crossroads in our nation's

History.

This here is september 10th.

>> rusty: so, we gonna stop them Jews from doin' it, ain't we,

Daddy?

>> early: no, no, son.

We mustn't interrupt the flow of Time and crap.

Get your 9/11 shirts, folks!

Come on, now! Here they are!

>> rusty: no, daddy.

We can actually stop it.

I can contact the fbi -- >> early: you don't understand!

It will impact the shirts!

>> rusty: yeah, fine, whatever.

It's a holodeck, anyway.

[ holodeck whirs ] >> time's up. Get the hell out.

>> early: b-but the shirts!

[ beeping ] What the?!

>> sheriff: all right.

How'd y'all like the holodeck?

>> early: what in the hell you Think you doin'?

>> sheriff: I'm sorry, early.

I just kind of had to keep you Busy in that holodeck while I

Repossessed your, uh, Truck-boat-truck...Boat-truck...

Uh, waverunner, here.

>> early: my fleet!

It's my legacy!

What in the hell am I gonna pass Down to my future generations?!

>> sheriff: I'm sorry, early, But doggone it, you got a bad

Habit of walkin' all over my Feelings.

Nobody's gonna treat me like the Big man I know I am unless I

Pull the big man out of the Backseat and put him behind the

Wheel.

On that note, good day, Mr. Cuyler.

>> early: sheriff, come on, Please!

Now, think it over!

>> sheriff: I said "Good day"!

>> early: no! Why?!

That sheriff's a good feller.

I like him.

Can't I see that he's a officer Of the law and, as such,

Deserves my respect?

[ distorted ] Oh, I have learned My lesson.

I have seen the error of my Perpetratin' ways.

>> both: I will never break The law again.

[ holodeck whirs ] >> time's up.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ] [ chuckles ]

Dang, that felt

You know, doc, that holodeck Therapy was a good idea.

You know, I think I had a real Breakthrough.

>> you know, sometimes, sheriff, It helps to visualize things,

Especially things that you will Never possibly achieve in your

Waking life.

>> sheriff: well, uh, what are You sayin' here, doc?

>> e-even in your own fantasy, He only half-listened to you.

And you're also insecure, a-and You haven't made

All.

I mean, this is just -- this is Just a colossal waste of time.

>> sheriff: oh.

Well, uh, what should I do?

>> well, you have a gun.

I mean,

That's -- [ inhales deeply ] You know, either way, I've got

To be out of here by 5:00.

>> early: "Now get your stanky Country ass off my land."

>> [ distorted ] You know, what I'd like you to do is get

Your -- t-to remove your stanky Country ass from my land.

>> early: "Or I'll make mouth Love to you with the barrel of

My shotty."

>> or I would be obligated to Make mouth love to you with the

Barrel of my shotty.

Okay?

>> early: [ laughing ] Damn.

[ laughs ] >> you know that during these

Sessions, it's really more Helpful that you be out

Talking about your feelings and Not -- and not just masturbating

In my holodeck.

>> early: what do you mean?

I've growed a lot in these Sessions.

[ chuckles ] I mean, right back there in that

Booth, I done growed about 6 in--

>> okay, I know -- I know you're Going for a joke, here, but --

A-and while it's amusing, I'm Late for my next appointment.

This shirtless carny and I are Going -- we're gonna go totally

Family-style on your confused Grandmother.

>> granny: I've found only group Therapy really does it for me

Anymore.

[ moaning ] >> rusty: oh, no.

So, this one actually happened, Then, huh?

>> early: aw, look at him.

[ chuckles ] Watchin' his first homemade

Porno.

Take a picture, granny.

>> granny: today...

You become a man.

>> rusty: [ gags, vomits ]

>> all: jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

>> early: w-w-whoo!