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[ static ]
[ country music plays ]
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00:00:05,022 --> 00:00:09,021
>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my
Property ♪
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♪ don't care if the bank gave
You a deed ♪
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♪ this farm's been cuyler land
For generations ♪
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♪ since we beat back them sneaky
Japanese ♪
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♪ in the war of 1812
Bring our boys home.
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: man, let me drive that
Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ spray can rattles ]
>> early: [ muffled cough ]
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>> sheriff: hey, early.
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Uh, you're not up here to
Vandalize the water tower, are
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You?
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>> early: only the roof...
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[ grunts ]
...As per our agreement.
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>> sheriff: a deal is a deal, I
Guess.
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>> early: don't you worry 'bout
Me.
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Now, you just hold up your end,
And you tell the people I said
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It says "Fart" up here now and
I'm the one what done it.
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>> sheriff: all right.
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>> early: so, uh...You up here
To jump?
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Commit you some sewercide?
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00:01:01,021 --> 00:01:02,022
>> sheriff: no.
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>> early: finally realized the
Futility of your tiny life?
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>> sheriff: no, I'm just
Performing a routine test of the
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Drinking water.
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>> early: pointless.
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[ spray can rattles ]
>> sheriff: damn that denny.
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He was supposed to come skim off
The pigeon film.
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>> early: hey, what do you think
If I add a "Z" to the end of
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"Fart"?
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You know -- "Fartzzzzza."
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Would that be fresh?
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>> sheriff: hmm.
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Not too much fly feces, not too
Little.
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[ slurps ]
But, boy, that fluoride's just
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Way off.
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>> rusty: [ grunts ]
What's, uh, w-what's fluoride,
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Sheriff?
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>> sheriff: basically, rusty,
It's steroids for your teeth.
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Makes 'em strong and cocky, like
A oiled-up muscle boy, and your
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Mouth's the go-go cage.
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>> rusty: I-I don't -- I don't
Think I get that.
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>> sheriff: yeah, when you're
Older, son.
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[ organ music playing ]
Uh, sir?
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>> dan halen: [ grunts angrily ]
>> sheriff: uh...Mr. Halen?
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>> dan halen: [ annoyed ] No.
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[ music continues ]
[ panting ]
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[ music stops ]
[ whirring ]
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>> sheriff: uh, sir?
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Mr. Halen, are you aware that
The state law requires you to
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Add one part per million of
Fluoride to the water supply?
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>> dan halen: yes, well, I'm
Sure your precious one ppm is in
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There somewhere.
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Check again.
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>> sheriff: uh, I've checked and
Double-checked -- personally.
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Ain't none in there at all.
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>> dan halen: jiggle the
Molecules.
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Sometimes the fluoride gets
Jammed down between the
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Spray-paint particles.
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>> sheriff: uh, mr. Halen, come
On.
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>> dan halen: mm.
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All right, damn it.
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I'm going to tackle this issue
Head-on.
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Barack hussein obama is
Sneaking fluoride into your
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Drinking water.
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>> early: they doin' what?!
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>> lil: fluoride?!
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>> dan halen: that's right,
That's right -- the chemical
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Fluoride in your drinking water.
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>> granny: why?! Why?!
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>> dan halen: to sterilize your
Testicles.
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>> early: we don't need no damn
Government!
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>> dan halen: yours, too,
Ladies.
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>> lil: no!
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>> granny: my body! My decision!
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>> dan halen: they want to abort
Your thinking, breathing sperm
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Before you can even plan an
Afternoon of vigorous
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Masturbation.
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>> lil: this is unacceptable, is
What that is!
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>> granny: I don't accept this!
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>> dan halen: I say life begins
At arousal.
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No fluoride!
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>> early: I'll tell you what
They better not think.
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They better not think they --
>> dan halen: they also think
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They can whup your ass.
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>> early: god damn it!
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>> granny: oh, now it's on.
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>> early: where's that water at?
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>> rusty: where's the water?!
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>> granny: screw you!
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>> early: I got a pump!
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I seen it!
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Follow me, y'all! Come on!
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[ gunshots ]
Somebody's gonna die!
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[ indistinct shouting ]
Damn coward!
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Swishin' around in your metal
Cave hole!
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>> rusty: hell naw!
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>> early: you better get the
Hell on out right now!
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>> lil: get his ass up here!
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[ shouting continues ]
>> early: [ panting ]
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Are you down there?!
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[ panting ]
Maybe it ain't down there.
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I don't know.
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>> granny: I'm sorry, early.
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I know you got all ginned up for
It.
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>> rusty: ain't -- ain't we got
Some water down by the lake?
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>> early: you damn right we do!
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>> granny: yeah, the boy's
Right!
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>> early: let's go to the lake!
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>> lil: the lake!
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>> granny: there's tons of water
Down by the lake.
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>> lil: down to the lake!
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Come on!
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Hey! There's that shit now!
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Hey, you sumbitch water, come
On!
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>> granny: no mercy!
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>> early: take that!
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[ indistinct shouting ]
>> granny: I think I heard it
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Laughin' at dixie!
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>> early: piece of [bleep] Ass
Lake!
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>> lil: sumbitch water, come on!
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>> early: your time has come!
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>> granny: take that!
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[ grunts ]
Punch you in the face!
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>> early: take that, you
Bastard!
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>> rusty: aah-ooh! Whaa!
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Damn, boy.
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This stuff just splashes around
When you beat on it.
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Gets all crazy.
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Wait -- aaaaaah!
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Man.
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>> granny: ooh, I know.
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Let's freeze some, and then we
Can smash it!
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>> rusty: hell yeah, granny!
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Hell yeah! We gonna freeze it!
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>> granny: well, you know, I say
That, but, you know...I ain't
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Got a freezer or nothin'.
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>> early: then we'll wait until
Winter!
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>> lil: hell, hell, yeah, yeah!
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>> granny: winter it is!
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>> early: damn you, global
Warmin' and your impact on the
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Environment.
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Ain't froze a bit!
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>> granny: let's go up to the
Convenience store and buy a bag
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Of ice, and then we can --
Ohh.
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I lost the crowd.
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>> rusty: uh-oh.
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Daddy, what is that?
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>> early: counterattack!
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[ all screaming ]
Scatter, everybody!
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Quick! Get the hell out of here!
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>> granny: it's everywhere!
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[ clicking ]
>> early: all right, boy.
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00:05:35,016 --> 00:05:38,001
We gonna evaportentinate this
Damn water -- send it back to
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Hell, from whence it come!
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[ gun clicking ]
All right, closer.
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Closer.
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Closer.
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[ fizzle ]
Ah, damn! Too close!
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I told you not that damn close,
And what'd you do?
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You put it too close.
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Light it again!
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>> rusty: you think maybe we
Ought to keep some of this
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Drinkin' water?
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You know, maybe for, uh, hydra--
Hydratational --
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>> early: no, no, boy.
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00:05:57,004 --> 00:06:00,018
Just go down to the dollar and
Buy you some more of these
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"Chronicles of riddick" squishy
Laser-energy balls.
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00:06:03,002 --> 00:06:03,020
[ ball squeaking ]
[ grunts ]
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Ooh. Chipped anothern. Oooh.
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>> rusty: well, daddy,
Y-y-you're losin' a lot of
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Teeth, daddy.
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>> early: small price to pay,
Long as I can hold on to my
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Principles.
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[ squish ]
>> rusty: aah! [ spits ]
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This ain't water!
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>> early: yeah.
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00:06:17,021 --> 00:06:18,023
>> rusty: [ coughs ] Ugh!
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>> early: some kind of chinese
Fluid sauce.
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You know, good for the sex
Drive, I reckon.
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[ squish ]
>> sheriff: early, you do know
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The fluoride's already out of
The water, don't you?
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00:06:28,006 --> 00:06:30,022
>> early: well, that might be
True, yeah, but these here
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Vin diesel brains help my moods.
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00:06:32,008 --> 00:06:35,003
>> rusty: hey, daddy, m-my teeth
Are gettin' all loosey-loosey.
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00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:37,006
They movin' around in my mouth
And everything.
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>> early: collect the teeth,
Boy.
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00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,011
We gonna mail 'em to
Washington -- send a message!
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>> sheriff: a-and just what
Would that message be?
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>> early: t-t-that we gonna...
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T-that we don't gotta...
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That, well...That we -- we ain't
Got no damn teeth no more!
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00:06:55,009 --> 00:06:58,005
[ bell jingles ]
>> dan halen: ahh, reverend.
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00:06:58,007 --> 00:06:58,021
Welcome.
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00:06:58,023 --> 00:07:00,003
>> mrph-mrph. Mrph-mrph-mrph.
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00:07:00,005 --> 00:07:01,008
>> dan halen: splendid.
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00:07:01,010 --> 00:07:05,018
Step right up and let me have a
Look at that chitlin-smeared
200
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:08,016
Armpit you call a mouth.
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00:07:08,018 --> 00:07:09,004
>> ohh.
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00:07:09,006 --> 00:07:09,020
>> dan halen: hmm.
203
00:07:09,022 --> 00:07:10,020
>> unnnhhh?
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00:07:10,022 --> 00:07:12,021
>> dan halen: you, sir, need
A pair of our finest
205
00:07:12,023 --> 00:07:16,002
Injection-molded,
Canine-enhanced jawbone
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00:07:16,004 --> 00:07:17,001
Snappers.
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00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:21,001
You look like about a...12, I
Think.
208
00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:22,003
Go ahead. Try them.
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00:07:22,005 --> 00:07:23,008
>> [ muffled ] Well, uh...
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00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,020
They're a little sharp.
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00:07:24,022 --> 00:07:26,001
>> dan halen: that's $300.
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00:07:26,003 --> 00:07:29,004
And I'll throw in this
Splatter-proof back-and-butt
213
00:07:29,006 --> 00:07:30,015
Tarp for free.
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00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,005
>> wait! This is a vampire cape!
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00:07:32,007 --> 00:07:35,005
>> dan halen: stop banning
Halloween, and I won't have a
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00:07:35,007 --> 00:07:35,019
Surplus.
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00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,000
Now get out!
218
00:07:37,002 --> 00:07:39,001
And tell your friends if they
Ever want to chew again, they
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00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:43,005
Need to come to me -- me!
220
00:07:43,007 --> 00:07:47,001
>> early: [ squishing ]
>> rusty: damn it, daddy, why'd
221
00:07:47,003 --> 00:07:48,017
You get them hard-shell tacos?
222
00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:50,023
>> early: eat your damn tortilly
And shut up.
223
00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:54,008
>> lil: [ grunting ]
Well, these taco shards aren't
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00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:57,000
Gonna feel too damn good goin'
Down.
225
00:07:57,002 --> 00:08:00,006
[ gulps ]
[ gagging ]
226
00:08:00,008 --> 00:08:01,021
>> early: hmm. Hmm.
227
00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:02,018
I know what I'm gonna do.
228
00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:04,015
Here we go.
229
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,017
Pine chips -- good as teeth.
230
00:08:05,019 --> 00:08:08,006
Ahhhhhh...
231
00:08:08,008 --> 00:08:10,001
Ow! Damn it!
232
00:08:10,003 --> 00:08:12,022
[ loud crunch ]
>> granny: [ chomping ]
233
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,023
>> early: woman, pass me them
Dentures!
234
00:08:17,001 --> 00:08:18,005
[ loud crunch ]
>> granny: no.
235
00:08:18,007 --> 00:08:20,017
>> early: I just --
>> granny: mmm.
236
00:08:20,019 --> 00:08:23,007
>> early: I just want to see 'em
Up close, what they look like.
237
00:08:23,009 --> 00:08:26,006
>> granny: you seen 'em fine.
238
00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:27,023
[ loud crunch ]
Mmm!
239
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:30,010
Raw broccoli stalk got a good
Snap to it.
240
00:08:30,012 --> 00:08:33,009
[ chomping ]
[ gulps ]
241
00:08:33,011 --> 00:08:38,004
Could y'all pass along them
Taffy strips?
242
00:08:38,006 --> 00:08:39,010
>> early: gimme the damn teeth!
243
00:08:39,012 --> 00:08:40,020
>> lil: gimme them dentures!
244
00:08:40,022 --> 00:08:41,022
>> granny: those teeth is mine!
245
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,007
>> lil: come on!
246
00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:45,002
>> early: [ normal voice ] I
Like the way the tiny food bits
247
00:08:45,004 --> 00:08:45,022
Mix with my spit...
248
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,010
[ gulps ]
...And get all soft so I can
249
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:49,013
Swallow 'em down my neck tube.
250
00:08:52,012 --> 00:08:56,002
>> rusty: [ hooting ]
>> sheriff: psst!
251
00:08:56,004 --> 00:08:58,011
Hey, rusty. Over here.
252
00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:00,013
I smuggled this in for you, so
Brush up.
253
00:09:00,015 --> 00:09:04,002
Me and the boys will keep a
Lookout for the gummies.
254
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:06,011
>> rusty: I'm gonna take real
Good care of you.
255
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:09,011
[ toothbrush whirs ]
You and me, we gonna be chewin'
256
00:09:09,013 --> 00:09:10,019
For a real long time.
257
00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:12,007
[ door bursts open ]
>> dan halen: aha!
258
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,003
You sneaky devils.
259
00:09:13,005 --> 00:09:13,023
Goons, search their lips.
260
00:09:14,001 --> 00:09:14,023
>> sheriff: let me go!
261
00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:16,019
>> ivamos! Ivamos!
262
00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:17,012
>> ivamos! Ivamos!
263
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:19,002
>> rusty: I will never be like
You!
264
00:09:19,004 --> 00:09:20,007
I want to chew! I want to chew!
265
00:09:20,009 --> 00:09:22,023
>> early: why can't you just go
Along with the mob mentality?
266
00:09:23,001 --> 00:09:24,003
>> rusty: daddy, help me!
267
00:09:24,005 --> 00:09:25,020
>> early: I done told you a
Thousand times, boy, don't never
268
00:09:25,022 --> 00:09:26,011
Excel.
269
00:09:26,013 --> 00:09:28,008
>> rusty: no, no, no! No!
270
00:09:28,010 --> 00:09:29,011
Y'all gonna lynch me!
271
00:09:29,013 --> 00:09:31,007
You gonna lynch me! No! No!
272
00:09:31,009 --> 00:09:32,002
Oh. This ain't so bad.
273
00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:34,003
>> granny: prepare the door!
274
00:09:34,005 --> 00:09:35,019
>> rusty: t-t-that's a big-ass
Door!
275
00:09:35,021 --> 00:09:37,011
What the hell you gonna do with
That thing?!
276
00:09:37,013 --> 00:09:38,000
No! No!
277
00:09:38,002 --> 00:09:38,017
>> all: take his tooth!
278
00:09:38,019 --> 00:09:39,023
Take his tooth! Take his tooth!
279
00:09:40,001 --> 00:09:41,002
>> rusty: aaah!
280
00:09:41,004 --> 00:09:43,021
[ all grunting ]
Aaaaah!
281
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,007
>> dan halen: enough!
282
00:09:46,009 --> 00:09:50,022
The prisoners will come with me,
Where I'll administer some
283
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:55,005
Torture they can really sink
Their tooth into.
284
00:09:55,007 --> 00:09:58,012
[ laughs evilly ]
Please! You have to help me!
285
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:01,012
>> sheriff: uh, what's the
Matter with you?
286
00:10:01,014 --> 00:10:02,015
You're saving money.
287
00:10:02,017 --> 00:10:04,004
>> dan halen: of course I am,
But several of my other
288
00:10:04,006 --> 00:10:06,016
Divisions are suffocating.
289
00:10:06,018 --> 00:10:11,008
My once-popular line of gnawable
Ham bones, my shoe leather pizza
290
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:15,005
Purses are rotting on the
Shelves, my bubble gum on the
291
00:10:15,007 --> 00:10:16,004
Cob -- for god's sake!
292
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:18,012
You have to help me.
293
00:10:18,014 --> 00:10:19,016
Talk sense into them!
294
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:22,004
>> sheriff: I think I got an
Idea that'll help you out here,
295
00:10:22,006 --> 00:10:23,022
Mr. Halen.
296
00:10:26,010 --> 00:10:28,013
[ all chomping ]
>> ahh!
297
00:10:28,015 --> 00:10:32,000
[ squish ]
>> sheriff: now...My idea was to
298
00:10:32,002 --> 00:10:34,004
Buy everybody a set of dentures.
299
00:10:34,006 --> 00:10:36,001
>> dan halen: yeah, I like my
Plan better.
300
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,008
Keep chewing.
301
00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:40,003
>> early: just make it
Half-mushed.
302
00:10:40,005 --> 00:10:43,012
I'll do the rest with my
Nuggets.
303
00:10:43,014 --> 00:10:48,007
>> sheriff: [ chomping ]
Here you go, early.
304
00:10:48,009 --> 00:10:50,005
[ gagging ]
>> early: you got a little --
305
00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:52,003
>> sheriff: oh. Right here.
306
00:10:52,005 --> 00:10:53,013
Let me just get that.
307
00:10:53,015 --> 00:10:55,022
>> early: mmm. Delicious.
22376
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