Original subtitles

[ static ] [ country music plays ]

>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my Property ♪

♪ don't care if the bank gave You a deed ♪

♪ this farm's been cuyler land For generations ♪

♪ since we beat back them sneaky Japanese ♪

♪ in the war of 1812 Bring our boys home.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ spray can rattles ] >> early: [ muffled cough ]

>> sheriff: hey, early.

Uh, you're not up here to Vandalize the water tower, are

You?

>> early: only the roof...

[ grunts ] ...As per our agreement.

>> sheriff: a deal is a deal, I Guess.

>> early: don't you worry 'bout Me.

Now, you just hold up your end, And you tell the people I said

It says "Fart" up here now and I'm the one what done it.

>> sheriff: all right.

>> early: so, uh...You up here To jump?

Commit you some sewercide?

>> sheriff: no.

>> early: finally realized the Futility of your tiny life?

>> sheriff: no, I'm just Performing a routine test of the

Drinking water.

>> early: pointless.

[ spray can rattles ] >> sheriff: damn that denny.

He was supposed to come skim off The pigeon film.

>> early: hey, what do you think If I add a "Z" to the end of

"Fart"?

You know -- "Fartzzzzza."

Would that be fresh?

>> sheriff: hmm.

Not too much fly feces, not too Little.

[ slurps ] But, boy, that fluoride's just

Way off.

>> rusty: [ grunts ] What's, uh, w-what's fluoride,

Sheriff?

>> sheriff: basically, rusty, It's steroids for your teeth.

Makes 'em strong and cocky, like A oiled-up muscle boy, and your

Mouth's the go-go cage.

>> rusty: I-I don't -- I don't Think I get that.

>> sheriff: yeah, when you're Older, son.

[ organ music playing ] Uh, sir?

>> dan halen: [ grunts angrily ] >> sheriff: uh...Mr. Halen?

>> dan halen: [ annoyed ] No.

[ music continues ] [ panting ]

[ music stops ] [ whirring ]

>> sheriff: uh, sir?

Mr. Halen, are you aware that The state law requires you to

Add one part per million of Fluoride to the water supply?

>> dan halen: yes, well, I'm Sure your precious one ppm is in

There somewhere.

Check again.

>> sheriff: uh, I've checked and Double-checked -- personally.

Ain't none in there at all.

>> dan halen: jiggle the Molecules.

Sometimes the fluoride gets Jammed down between the

Spray-paint particles.

>> sheriff: uh, mr. Halen, come On.

>> dan halen: mm.

All right, damn it.

I'm going to tackle this issue Head-on.

Barack hussein obama is Sneaking fluoride into your

Drinking water.

>> early: they doin' what?!

>> lil: fluoride?!

>> dan halen: that's right, That's right -- the chemical

Fluoride in your drinking water.

>> granny: why?! Why?!

>> dan halen: to sterilize your Testicles.

>> early: we don't need no damn Government!

>> dan halen: yours, too, Ladies.

>> lil: no!

>> granny: my body! My decision!

>> dan halen: they want to abort Your thinking, breathing sperm

Before you can even plan an Afternoon of vigorous

Masturbation.

>> lil: this is unacceptable, is What that is!

>> granny: I don't accept this!

>> dan halen: I say life begins At arousal.

No fluoride!

>> early: I'll tell you what They better not think.

They better not think they -- >> dan halen: they also think

They can whup your ass.

>> early: god damn it!

>> granny: oh, now it's on.

>> early: where's that water at?

>> rusty: where's the water?!

>> granny: screw you!

>> early: I got a pump!

I seen it!

Follow me, y'all! Come on!

[ gunshots ] Somebody's gonna die!

[ indistinct shouting ] Damn coward!

Swishin' around in your metal Cave hole!

>> rusty: hell naw!

>> early: you better get the Hell on out right now!

>> lil: get his ass up here!

[ shouting continues ] >> early: [ panting ]

Are you down there?!

[ panting ] Maybe it ain't down there.

I don't know.

>> granny: I'm sorry, early.

I know you got all ginned up for It.

>> rusty: ain't -- ain't we got Some water down by the lake?

>> early: you damn right we do!

>> granny: yeah, the boy's Right!

>> early: let's go to the lake!

>> lil: the lake!

>> granny: there's tons of water Down by the lake.

>> lil: down to the lake!

Come on!

Hey! There's that shit now!

Hey, you sumbitch water, come On!

>> granny: no mercy!

>> early: take that!

[ indistinct shouting ] >> granny: I think I heard it

Laughin' at dixie!

>> early: piece of [bleep] Ass Lake!

>> lil: sumbitch water, come on!

>> early: your time has come!

>> granny: take that!

[ grunts ] Punch you in the face!

>> early: take that, you Bastard!

>> rusty: aah-ooh! Whaa!

Damn, boy.

This stuff just splashes around When you beat on it.

Gets all crazy.

Wait -- aaaaaah!

Man.

>> granny: ooh, I know.

Let's freeze some, and then we Can smash it!

>> rusty: hell yeah, granny!

Hell yeah! We gonna freeze it!

>> granny: well, you know, I say That, but, you know...I ain't

Got a freezer or nothin'.

>> early: then we'll wait until Winter!

>> lil: hell, hell, yeah, yeah!

>> granny: winter it is!

>> early: damn you, global Warmin' and your impact on the

Environment.

Ain't froze a bit!

>> granny: let's go up to the Convenience store and buy a bag

Of ice, and then we can -- Ohh.

I lost the crowd.

>> rusty: uh-oh.

Daddy, what is that?

>> early: counterattack!

[ all screaming ] Scatter, everybody!

Quick! Get the hell out of here!

>> granny: it's everywhere!

[ clicking ] >> early: all right, boy.

We gonna evaportentinate this Damn water -- send it back to

Hell, from whence it come!

[ gun clicking ] All right, closer.

Closer.

Closer.

[ fizzle ] Ah, damn! Too close!

I told you not that damn close, And what'd you do?

You put it too close.

Light it again!

>> rusty: you think maybe we Ought to keep some of this

Drinkin' water?

You know, maybe for, uh, hydra-- Hydratational --

>> early: no, no, boy.

Just go down to the dollar and Buy you some more of these

"Chronicles of riddick" squishy Laser-energy balls.

[ ball squeaking ] [ grunts ]

Ooh. Chipped anothern. Oooh.

>> rusty: well, daddy, Y-y-you're losin' a lot of

Teeth, daddy.

>> early: small price to pay, Long as I can hold on to my

Principles.

[ squish ] >> rusty: aah! [ spits ]

This ain't water!

>> early: yeah.

>> rusty: [ coughs ] Ugh!

>> early: some kind of chinese Fluid sauce.

You know, good for the sex Drive, I reckon.

[ squish ] >> sheriff: early, you do know

The fluoride's already out of The water, don't you?

>> early: well, that might be True, yeah, but these here

Vin diesel brains help my moods.

>> rusty: hey, daddy, m-my teeth Are gettin' all loosey-loosey.

They movin' around in my mouth And everything.

>> early: collect the teeth, Boy.

We gonna mail 'em to Washington -- send a message!

>> sheriff: a-and just what Would that message be?

>> early: t-t-that we gonna...

T-that we don't gotta...

That, well...That we -- we ain't Got no damn teeth no more!

[ bell jingles ] >> dan halen: ahh, reverend.

Welcome.

>> mrph-mrph. Mrph-mrph-mrph.

>> dan halen: splendid.

Step right up and let me have a Look at that chitlin-smeared

Armpit you call a mouth.

>> ohh.

>> dan halen: hmm.

>> unnnhhh?

>> dan halen: you, sir, need A pair of our finest

Injection-molded, Canine-enhanced jawbone

Snappers.

You look like about a...12, I Think.

Go ahead. Try them.

>> [ muffled ] Well, uh...

They're a little sharp.

>> dan halen: that's $300.

And I'll throw in this Splatter-proof back-and-butt

Tarp for free.

>> wait! This is a vampire cape!

>> dan halen: stop banning Halloween, and I won't have a

Surplus.

Now get out!

And tell your friends if they Ever want to chew again, they

Need to come to me -- me!

>> early: [ squishing ] >> rusty: damn it, daddy, why'd

You get them hard-shell tacos?

>> early: eat your damn tortilly And shut up.

>> lil: [ grunting ] Well, these taco shards aren't

Gonna feel too damn good goin' Down.

[ gulps ] [ gagging ]

>> early: hmm. Hmm.

I know what I'm gonna do.

Here we go.

Pine chips -- good as teeth.

Ahhhhhh...

Ow! Damn it!

[ loud crunch ] >> granny: [ chomping ]

>> early: woman, pass me them Dentures!

[ loud crunch ] >> granny: no.

>> early: I just -- >> granny: mmm.

>> early: I just want to see 'em Up close, what they look like.

>> granny: you seen 'em fine.

[ loud crunch ] Mmm!

Raw broccoli stalk got a good Snap to it.

[ chomping ] [ gulps ]

Could y'all pass along them Taffy strips?

>> early: gimme the damn teeth!

>> lil: gimme them dentures!

>> granny: those teeth is mine!

>> lil: come on!

>> early: [ normal voice ] I Like the way the tiny food bits

Mix with my spit...

[ gulps ] ...And get all soft so I can

Swallow 'em down my neck tube.

>> rusty: [ hooting ] >> sheriff: psst!

Hey, rusty. Over here.

I smuggled this in for you, so Brush up.

Me and the boys will keep a Lookout for the gummies.

>> rusty: I'm gonna take real Good care of you.

[ toothbrush whirs ] You and me, we gonna be chewin'

For a real long time.

[ door bursts open ] >> dan halen: aha!

You sneaky devils.

Goons, search their lips.

>> sheriff: let me go!

>> ivamos! Ivamos!

>> ivamos! Ivamos!

>> rusty: I will never be like You!

I want to chew! I want to chew!

>> early: why can't you just go Along with the mob mentality?

>> rusty: daddy, help me!

>> early: I done told you a Thousand times, boy, don't never

Excel.

>> rusty: no, no, no! No!

Y'all gonna lynch me!

You gonna lynch me! No! No!

Oh. This ain't so bad.

>> granny: prepare the door!

>> rusty: t-t-that's a big-ass Door!

What the hell you gonna do with That thing?!

No! No!

>> all: take his tooth!

Take his tooth! Take his tooth!

>> rusty: aaah!

[ all grunting ] Aaaaah!

>> dan halen: enough!

The prisoners will come with me, Where I'll administer some

Torture they can really sink Their tooth into.

[ laughs evilly ] Please! You have to help me!

>> sheriff: uh, what's the Matter with you?

You're saving money.

>> dan halen: of course I am, But several of my other

Divisions are suffocating.

My once-popular line of gnawable Ham bones, my shoe leather pizza

Purses are rotting on the Shelves, my bubble gum on the

Cob -- for god's sake!

You have to help me.

Talk sense into them!

>> sheriff: I think I got an Idea that'll help you out here,

Mr. Halen.

[ all chomping ] >> ahh!

[ squish ] >> sheriff: now...My idea was to

Buy everybody a set of dentures.

>> dan halen: yeah, I like my Plan better.

Keep chewing.

>> early: just make it Half-mushed.

I'll do the rest with my Nuggets.

>> sheriff: [ chomping ] Here you go, early.

[ gagging ] >> early: you got a little --

>> sheriff: oh. Right here.

Let me just get that.

>> early: mmm. Delicious.