Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my dreams are all dead and

Buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun would

Just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me to

His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of

Bitches when I go ♪

[ yodeling ]

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> sheriff: all right, denny...

Pull the switch.

[ switch clanks ]

[ switch clanking ]

>> you dead yet?

>> sheriff #2: damn it.

I'll be down the hall if you

Need me.

>> sheriff: oh, "Go solar

With the electric chair."

Damn tree-huggin' bastards.

How am I supposed to issue

Extreme justice when it's been

Overcast all week?

>> dan halen: no, no.

Shut it down.

We'll execute him in a humane,

Dignified, and morally

Responsible way.

He'll be slathered with gravy

And ripped asunder by wild

Chihuahuas wearing chain-saw

Hats.

>> hey!

What about the fact I ain't

Never not killed no one?

>> sheriff: I hate to say it,

But he's right.

Capital punishment don't apply

To petty theft.

>> dan halen: I am not going to

Appear soft on crime in front of

A pay-per-view audience!

>> dougal county's first

Execution in 45 years, live in

Your living room.

It's time for the dog to saw the

Meat, as ga-ga-pee-pap cuyler

Takes an express train to the

Big dirt nap courtesy of the

State of georgia.

Guess who's gonna win.

The state of georgia.

Only on pay-per-view.

Order now.

>> granny: I'm on it!

[ speed-dialing ]

>> rusty: he said that fella's

Name was cuyler?

What if he's related to us?

>> early: hang on, now.

Rusty's right.

We oughta get us a discount,

'cause I believe we somehow

Involved here.

>> granny: that man should burn

In hell for what he done done to

Us!

>> rusty: what'd he do?

>> granny: he done married me,

Got me pregnant, and then ran

Off with some floozy bitch and

Had a baby.

And that baby grew up to be me.

>> early: you know, she don't

Fully recollect her connection

To the man.

>> granny: who's a man?

>> early: the point is, he ain't

No damn good!

One day, he took me out to play

Some catch.

>> see if you can catch this

One.

>> early: ow!

>> keep your eye on the b.B.,

Now.

>> early: ooh!

>> look it into your skin.

>> early: ow!

>> 'bout to earn my respect.

>> early: then he said he was

Goin' to pick somethin' up.

>> get on over here!

>> early: turns out he was

Pickin' up a new family.

>> yeah! Whoo!

>> early: I want him dead!

>> sheriff: gonna have to pat

You down now, son.

Hold 'em out.

>> hey, now.

I said related was fine, but

It's gotta be a woman.

I ain't into boys.

As much.

>> rusty: ga-ga, I'm

Rusty cuyler.

>> hell, he'll do.

Turn around, now.

Pretend that you at the circus

Or somethin'.

>> rusty: no, ga-ga. No.

I'm your great-grandson.

>> rusty?

>> rusty: yeah.

>> hell, I knowed it.

Keep your eye on this one.

He'll rob you blind, just like

His granddaddy.

>> sheriff: aha!

So you

>> oh, hell no!

I done told your dumb ass I was

Framed.

>> rusty: is

Here?

>> whoo! Yeah!

I tell you what, little man -- I

Robbed their asses blind.

>> sheriff: so, you admit it

After all?

>> allegedly!

Go on, johnny law.

Tell this little son of a bitch

How I did what I did --

Allegedly!

>> sheriff: well, ol' 12-gun

Here held up dougal credit union

18 times in one day.

>> I'm takin' that -- allegedly!

>> sheriff: now, he got all the

Money on the first one, but he

Kept comin' back every 45

Minutes or so.

>> I'm takin' this, too --

Allegedly!

>> sheriff: he grabbed a chair

Or a stack of envelopes.

>> I'm takin' 'em!

>> sheriff: hell, he even cut a

Square out of the carpet just to

Take it.

No rhyme, no reason.

Sometimes he'd steal stupid

Things and give it to people

Who didn't even want it.

>> here. Take this.

>> sheriff: an overall nuisance.

>> and every time, I'd scream,

"I got you again!"

'cause I did. I got 'em again.

>> sheriff: yep.

You played us all day long,

Until the bank closed at 4:00.

>> what the?!

>> sheriff: the next day, when

You used that money to try to

Set up a high-interest checkin'

Account, well, we laid a little

Trap.

>> rusty: so, w-whatever

Happened to the money?

>> sheriff: no one really knows.

I mean,

I-I guess we shoulda asked.

>> I ain't tellin'!

So, come on over here now and

Give us a deep, wet kiss.

>> rusty: [ gagging ]

>> oh, yeah.

>> rusty: I don't understand

This!

>> you will in time, tasty lips.

Mm. Mm.

>> rusty: [ gagging ]

>> ooh, yeah.

>> sheriff: that's nice to see a

Family reconnect like that.

That's so hot.

>> rusty: [ coughing ]

>> early: and this here be the

Map?

>> rusty: yeah, he gave me that,

And he said we'd rendezvous back

Here after I bust him out of

Jail.

And we'd split all the money.

>> granny: does this have

Connection to this plus sign

Over here?

>> early: woman, don't be

Botherin' me with the big plus

Sign.

Now, you get on back there and

Tell that man to tell me where

That damn money is!

But you

Ignore him -- the same damn way

He ignored

Just don't tell him a damn

Thing.

You go up to him and shut your

Damn mouth.

>> granny: but

Had way better lovers --

And fathers.

>> rusty: well, you can tell him

Yourself.

I mean, like I said, we're gonna

Be back here rendezvousin'...

Which I hope is not the same

Thing we did earlier in prison.

>> granny: but he gonna be dead.

Don't you watch tv ever?

>> early: I wanna see his damn

Eyeballs pop out!

>> rusty: but I'm goin' to bust

Him out!

Weren't you even listenin'?

>> early: well, now, I-I did see

Them jaws a-movin'.

Words.

>> granny: oh, that was you?

>> early: hey, what's that there

Paper for?

>> rusty: never mind.

>> granny: you tell that man to

Cling to life for as long as he

Can.

>> early: they need to make it

Last!

I ain't payin' $49.95 for no

Damn three-second execution!

>> all: [ chanting ] It's wrong!

It's wrong!

It's wrong you lived this long!

You done been tried, and now

You'll fry, as we sing this

Song!

>> rusty: reverend, ain't it a

Sin to kill another human bein'?

>> rusty, the bible sayeth, "Let

He who killed shall be

Killeth"...And so on.

That's in the book of...Uh...

I don't know.

You know, one of those books.

>> rusty: what about "Thou shalt

What about that one, then?

>> well, what about "Chaka khan,

Chaka khan, let me rock you,

Chaka khan"?

>> rusty: well, now you're just

Tryin' to confuse me.

>> [ grunts ] Look, he took my

Clay aiken cd set -- my box

Set!

Oh, insurance won't cover cds.

Oh, oh, no, they won't tell you

That.

He should fry in hell!

>> sheriff: sorry, rusty.

Everything's gotta go through

The x-ray, here.

[ buzzing, beeping ]

>> just as I suspected...

Red velvet with cream-cheese

Frostin'.

>> sheriff: uh, denny, pat that

Cake down.

>> ♪ patty cake, patty cake,

Baker's man ♪

It's clean.

>> sheriff: mmm.

I love that red-velvet stuff.

>> oh, is that right,

Johnny law?

How 'bout you have a slice?!

In your damn face!

>> sheriff: aah! My throat!

It's closin' up!

This ain't gluten-free.

>> hell no!

>> sheriff: I confided in you.

[ gasping ]

>> get the keys, boy.

>> sheriff #2: nice try, cuyler.

>> what the?!

>> sheriff #2: but

Allergic to glutens.

>> go forth, my bumble servants.

>> sheriff #2: ow! No!

He's been trainin' bees --

Ow!

...But not to sing, like he told

Me.

>> hell, I got you again!

>> sheriff #2: there

Club, is there?

Ow! [ groans ]

>> get them keys, boy!

>> sheriff #3: now, enough of

This funny business, cuyler.

>> what the?!

>> sheriff #3: it's time for

Your last meal.

>> [ sighs ]

All right, then.

I guess I want me one of them

Sloppy lunar dogs from down at

The red dwarf.

[ buzzer ]

>> sheriff: get me the

Moon meal jr.

Tell 'em the toy's for a boy,

All right?

Uh, here's my wallet.

Just make sure you're back by

9:00.

>> oh, you bet.

>> rusty: I got your back,

Ga-ga.

Whaaaaa!

>> never mind, son.

I'll see you at the rendezvous.

[ engine revs, tires screech ]

Get on over here!

Yeah! Whoo!

[ tires screech, siren wails ]

[ both snoring ]

>> sheriff: denny, get out of

That gravy.

Lord.

>> uh, could you get him to read

The last rites?

The new "Harry potter" starts

At, uh, 9:35.

[ chuckles ]

I-I'd really love to protest it.

>> sheriff: well, I'm sure he'll

Be right back.

I mean, after all, he

My wallet with him.

>> granny: [ grunting ]

>> rusty: hell, he's supposed to

Be here.

>> early: he ain't comin'.

Hell, he didn't come to my

Weddin', he didn't come to my

Graduation, my world premiere of

My "Rambo" movies out on the

Dvd -- nothin' I imagined I

Would do!

That's who the sumbitch is.

>> rusty: but he promised me

He was gonna be here.

>> early: son, his promises is

Like a big ol' damn chili fart.

You crave the smell, but only

When it comes from deep within.

>> rusty: no, daddy, y-you're

Talkin' 'bout your personal

Faith in christ.

>> early: oh, yeah.

But, uh, your ga-ga, you know,

Is like a chili fart, too.

It's only gonna hurt you if you

Keep it inside.

>> rusty: no, that's that one

About unrequited love now.

>> early: look, damn it, I like

To tie things back to farts

Caused by chili!

Is that a crime?!

>> he cleaned out the condiment

Bar and took out all the

Napkins, and then he turned

Around and gave 'em all back to

Me.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

Well, did he at least order a

Moon meal jr. With a

Cheyenne cinnamon toy for a boy?

>> no.

>> sheriff: damn it!

>> he said we better watch out.

He's gonna get us again.

>> sheriff: aha!

It's a waitin' game now.

>> yeah.

There's another car behind you.

[ horn honks ]

>> sheriff: it's him.

>> if you could just please park

Forward.

>> I told you -- don't not never

Not lay out my plans for no one!

Now gimme all your unmarked

Burger buns!

>> sheriff: ga-ga, you're under

Arrest.

[ handcuffs click ]

>> rusty: I thought you was

Gonna come back, ga-ga.

I thought you was my friend!

>> son, there's somethin' you

Got to understand.

I done got you again! Whoo!

>> granny: so the "X" on the

Floor?

>> weren't nothin' but a plus

Sign.

I was hopin' to put a table

There one day.

>> granny: table

There.

>> rusty: what about that map?

The one you gave me when our

Tongues were entangled?

>> mm. Was it good for

Mm.

>> early: where's that money

At?!

I'm gonna ignore

You ignored

Only, I

I need to know where that damn

Money is!

>> uh...

I got you again!

[ chuckles ]

>> rusty: do you even

The money is?

>> sheriff: n-now, think about

It -- where did you go after you

Robbed the bank?

>> let's see.

"I got 'em again"...

I shouted, "I got you again."

I went to the woods, back to the

Bank, got 'em onced again, told

Them so...

Woods, bank, woods, bank, woods,

Bank...

Damn it!

Left it on the hood of the cow!

[ flies buzzing ]

[ cow moos ]

>> sheriff: come on, ga-ga.

Why don't you get in the front?

I got my dry cleanin' back here

In the back.

>> jingle, jingle!

I got you again!

>> sheriff: no! My dry cleanin'!

>> get on over here.

>> granny: [ cackles ]

>> yeah! Whoo!

>> granny: whoo!

>> early: son, I know you

Disappointified, but I told

You -- he just ain't no good.

>> rusty: [ voice breaking ] But

He done -- he lied to me.

>> early: just forget about it,

Sport.

Come on.

What do you say we play us some

Catch?

Now, just watch this b.B. All

The way into your head.

Now, come on. Look it in.

>> rusty: ohh!

>> early: [ gulping ]

Focus on it. Concentrate.

>> rusty: ohh!

>> early: look it in.

And...Here we go.

>> rusty: ohh! Damn!

I love you, daddy.

Ohh!

>> early: I love you, too, son,

In the only way I know how.

>> rusty: ohh!

>> early: look at that.

I got you again.