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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ my oldest son was born an
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Albino ♪
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♪ my youngest is, uh, covered in
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Hair ♪
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♪ the middle one says he's a
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Homosexual ♪
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♪ the other seven's gone, I
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Don't know where ♪
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♪ and I don't care ♪
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♪ I just don't care ♪
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: man, let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ rock music playing ]
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>> get out.
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[ door closes ]
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>> early: hey, hey, baby.
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[ giggles ]
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>> ooh.
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>> early: you like you some good
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Head?
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[ both giggle ]
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I like me some good head, too.
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>> mm.
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[ clanking ]
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>> early: whoa!
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Your nipples is erectin'.
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Hey, what do you say we take
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This party downstairs?
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[ clank ]
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Let me just get down here.
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[ clank ]
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Come on, now.
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[ grunts ]
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Loosen up.
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>> early.
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>> early: can't resist me.
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>> early.
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>> early: what the...
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>> them papers is 25 cents.
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>> early: hell no!
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You done priced yourself out
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Of the damn market.
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[ dialing ]
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Damn dyin' media.
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[ ringing ]
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It's bullmess.
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>> hey.
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>> early: hey.
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It's me.
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>> [ slurping ]
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>> early: did you get my text?
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>> nunh-unh.
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>> early: didn't send one.
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Hell, you can't read, you dumb
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Bitch.
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So, what else is goin' on?
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>> nothin'.
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>> early: hell, I wouldn't make
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Love to you if you was the last
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Woman on earth!
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>> well, don't come over, then.
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>> early: well, I won't!
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If I was, uh...
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Not to show up in 20 minutes,
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Would, uh, would that work?
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I mean, would you be there in 20
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For me not to be there if you
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Was the last woman on earth?!
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>> I'm with my cousin.
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>> early: good god!
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Is there anything you won't
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Bang?
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>> it's a
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[ tires screech ]
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>> early: oh! Trouser tent pole!
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Two of 'em!
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Lord, please let me have this
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Extra-chunky threesome, and I
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Will forever pretend gospel is
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Better than the devil's music,
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Which we both know it ain't.
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Amen.
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Ladies!
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>> hunh-unh.
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Don't answer him, krystal.
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He's just not that into you.
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>> early: hey, come on, now.
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Give that cousin a hug.
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Bet you ain't seen her in a long
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Time.
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Bet you missed her.
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Yeah, and then a hand on the
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Thigh.
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Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
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Let's loosen up and have a
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Little bit of fun, here.
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[ grunts ]
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>> no three-way, no way, no how.
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>> early: now, come on, now!
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>> I'm a god-fearin' woman.
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I won't do nothin' out of
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Marriage.
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[ crash ]
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>> we married.
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[ crash ]
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>> and
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>> early: [ groans ]
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>> granny: oh, no.
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Rusty, you don't need to be
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Seein' this.
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>> go play in the yard with your
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Step-- s-s-step--
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S-s-stepsisters and -brothers.
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[ all cheering ]
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>> granny: wake up, you drunk
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Fool!
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>> early: [ groans ]
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>> granny: you done married two
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Wives!
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>> early: that's what the lord
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Told me to do!
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>> yeah, I-I never said that.
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>> granny: jesus says he never
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Said that.
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>> early: but wait -- what'd you
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Say, lord?
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>> who are you talkin' to?
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>> early: shh-shh! Shh!
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Shut up, woman!
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The
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What's that?
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>> that's -- see, that's not me
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At all.
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>> early: you givin' me a
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Vision.
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>> what?
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>> early: he done sayeth unto me
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That I must seek to
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Matrimonialate multiple womerns,
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Like that smart son of a bitch
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Down there in texas.
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>> wait. What bible do you have?
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Are you making this up as you go
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Along?
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>> early: lo, and they shall be
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Barely legal.
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>> no.
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>> early: and they skirts shall
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Be short and sluttitudinous.
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>> we didn't even have that kind
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Of language.
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>> early: and they t-shirts, he
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Shall wetteth.
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>> granny: early, you gonna ruin
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My in with jesus.
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And I just got him to forget
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About that ponzi scheme I ran in
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The '70s.
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>> early: leave me be, for I
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Must now seek repose in the
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Ample bosom of my husky
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Betrothed.
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Deliver unto them my manly
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Pleasures
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Speed.
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>> granny: oh, early, multiple
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Wives?
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Well, why don't you just kick
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Jesus in the crotch?
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>> early: [ groans ]
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I was gonna do this on a big-ass
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Blimp at the tractor pull, but,
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Hell -- here goes.
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>> granny: [ gasps ]
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>> early: I'd like you to be my
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Bride -- number one...
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>> granny: oh, early!
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>> early: ...If you'll have me.
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>> granny: a churchy weddin'!
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Two young lovers bound by blood.
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The hottest of passions shared
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Between 'em through physical
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Intimacy.
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>> granny, come on --
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>> granny: begone, satan!
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Now, look, we gotta book that
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Venue now, 'cause that stuff
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Gets taken.
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And I don't want a deejay.
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I want a band.
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>> early: hey, randy roo.
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How's it hangin', bro?
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>> granny: now, I've already
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Gotten some demos.
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>> early: how 'bout you
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Cancelin' that blimp with the
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Proposal on it?
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>> granny: most of 'em are lame
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As hell.
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>> early: what you mean you
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Can't return my damn deposit?
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>> granny: pick a caterer --
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That's very important.
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>> early: all right, then.
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Just tweak the verbatage.
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>> do you love him?
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>> [ gasping ]
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>> ♪ ...My soul ♪
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♪ jesus, take my feeble hand ♪
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>> sheriff: y'all ever watch
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"Cops"?
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Uh, I kinda think it's staged,
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Really.
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>> ♪ ...Touch my wretched
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Face... ♪
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>> sheriff: uh, y'all ever watch
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"Cops"?
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>> okay, christian singles,
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Let's make some connections!
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[ record scratches ]
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>> ♪ mo-mo-monogamy ♪
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♪ monogamy, monogamy ♪
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♪ ha ha, yeah ♪
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♪ I got to be faithful ♪
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>> ♪ faithful! ♪
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>> ♪ you know you got to be
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Pious ♪
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>> ♪ pious! ♪
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>> all right, let's have all the
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Men stand on this side of the
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Room and all you women come
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Introduce yourselves, but
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Otherwise remain silent and
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Obediently follow whatever your
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New life partner tells you to
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Do, for you were created from an
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Expendable bone from adam's
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Hairy, rippled chest.
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The bible says it --
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>> sheriff: reverend,
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Women?
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It's like a chorizo party in
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Here.
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>> ugh!
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We're losing our females to
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Early's cult.
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>> early: [ slurping ]
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[ women laughing ]
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>> rusty: hey, daddy, I got me a
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Girlfriend -- my stepsister,
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Dora.
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>> early: you mean my
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>> rusty: dang, you smooth,
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Daddy.
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Cocksmanship.
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I guess I'll go over here and
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Swing now.
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>> early: not with
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Won't!
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>> rusty: dang.
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You don't mind if I go over here
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To this fuel filter, do you,
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Now, daddy?
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>> early: not with
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Won't.
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>> rusty: dang.
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I better go propose to the
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See-saw right quick.
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>> early: not with
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Won't.
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>> I can see their boobs with
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These space glasses.
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>> sheriff: give me that.
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Let somebody that can be
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Professional look at these
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Bazoons and see what's goin' on.
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[ chuckling ] Damn.
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Those
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Let's do this thing.
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Early cuyler, this is the
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Sheriff speakin'.
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>> early: get inside, now.
288
00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:15,021
Go on.
289
00:06:15,023 --> 00:06:17,009
>> sheriff: let us in.
290
00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:19,002
>> early: end-times is upon us,
291
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:19,027
My flock.
292
00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:21,025
Lo, I am troubled, and my eyes
293
00:06:21,027 --> 00:06:23,017
Wish to behold a make-out
294
00:06:23,019 --> 00:06:24,010
Session.
295
00:06:24,012 --> 00:06:24,025
Go on, 27.
296
00:06:24,027 --> 00:06:26,010
Now, you just get on down there
297
00:06:26,012 --> 00:06:27,011
And lay down with 26.
298
00:06:27,013 --> 00:06:28,018
>> sheriff: it's a make-out
299
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,001
Session.
300
00:06:29,003 --> 00:06:30,017
He's mockin' us.
301
00:06:30,019 --> 00:06:32,012
Start the tape, denny.
302
00:06:32,014 --> 00:06:34,017
>> ♪ boy, I wanna do it on the
303
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,012
Dance floor ♪
304
00:06:36,014 --> 00:06:37,017
>> early: what the hell?!
305
00:06:37,019 --> 00:06:38,019
What the hell's this?!
306
00:06:38,021 --> 00:06:39,029
>> sheriff: they ain't gonna be
307
00:06:40,001 --> 00:06:41,003
Able to take this long.
308
00:06:41,005 --> 00:06:42,026
I guarantee it.
309
00:06:44,015 --> 00:06:46,018
>> ♪ boy, I wanna do it on the
310
00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,014
Dance floor ♪
311
00:06:47,016 --> 00:06:49,002
>> sheriff: this doesn't seem to
312
00:06:49,004 --> 00:06:49,026
Be workin'.
313
00:06:49,028 --> 00:06:51,017
Try track 2.
314
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:54,021
[ techno music plays ]
315
00:06:54,023 --> 00:06:56,002
>> ♪ boy, I wanna do it on
316
00:06:56,004 --> 00:06:56,023
The... ♪
317
00:06:56,025 --> 00:06:57,019
>> sheriff: hmm.
318
00:06:57,021 --> 00:06:59,001
These boys just don't have a lot
319
00:06:59,003 --> 00:06:59,029
Of range, do they?
320
00:07:00,001 --> 00:07:01,021
>> yeah, this is the south beach
321
00:07:01,023 --> 00:07:02,018
Extended remix.
322
00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:04,001
>> sheriff: hey, man, you see
323
00:07:04,003 --> 00:07:05,023
That dark-headed one over there?
324
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,010
Makin' out with the big one?
325
00:07:07,012 --> 00:07:08,025
Is it, uh, just me, or does she
326
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,001
Keep lookin' over here?
327
00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:11,023
>> I like this song.
328
00:07:11,025 --> 00:07:13,014
>> sheriff: [ sighs ] Yeah.
329
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,012
The groove
330
00:07:15,014 --> 00:07:16,024
>> early: whoo-hoo!
331
00:07:16,026 --> 00:07:17,026
Come on, now, baby!
332
00:07:17,028 --> 00:07:19,013
Let's cut this thing loose!
333
00:07:19,015 --> 00:07:20,029
>> granny: early, you want us to
334
00:07:21,001 --> 00:07:21,022
Get the --
335
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,013
>> early: aw, you best stay out
336
00:07:23,015 --> 00:07:23,025
Of it.
337
00:07:23,027 --> 00:07:24,017
>> granny: ohh.
338
00:07:24,019 --> 00:07:25,023
>> early: go re-stack the canned
339
00:07:25,025 --> 00:07:26,002
Goods.
340
00:07:26,004 --> 00:07:26,029
[ loud bang ]
341
00:07:27,001 --> 00:07:27,028
What the hell?!
342
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,020
The government is goin' to burn
343
00:07:29,022 --> 00:07:30,011
Us down!
344
00:07:30,013 --> 00:07:31,021
The day has come, people.
345
00:07:31,023 --> 00:07:32,020
Do you hear me?
346
00:07:32,022 --> 00:07:34,003
>> sheriff: now, early, I-it
347
00:07:34,005 --> 00:07:35,017
Ain't like that at all.
348
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,002
We just came to meet other
349
00:07:37,004 --> 00:07:38,028
Singles for friendship and...
350
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:39,024
Maybe more.
351
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:41,018
You, uh, with the dark hair,
352
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:43,017
Under the slightly larger one --
353
00:07:43,019 --> 00:07:44,021
What's
354
00:07:44,023 --> 00:07:46,001
You ever watch that show "Cops"?
355
00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:47,014
>> early: sheriff, I'm afraid
356
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:48,023
They all took -- married to
357
00:07:48,025 --> 00:07:49,028
>> sheriff: I-I-I'm sorry,
358
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:50,014
Early.
359
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:51,016
I-I didn't see a ring or
360
00:07:51,018 --> 00:07:51,028
Nothin'.
361
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,004
>> early: barbed wire is the
362
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:53,021
Ring.
363
00:07:53,023 --> 00:07:54,025
>> sheriff: oh, well.
364
00:07:54,027 --> 00:07:56,016
>> early: see, what we do here
365
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:58,001
Is we creatin' underage womerns
366
00:07:58,003 --> 00:07:59,019
For me to marry out of these
367
00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:01,010
Womerns that I done and married.
368
00:08:01,012 --> 00:08:02,028
And by doin' this, w-we was able
369
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,015
To create a younger, finer,
370
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,029
Good-lookin'er woman, and they
371
00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:06,020
All mine.
372
00:08:06,022 --> 00:08:08,017
>> sheriff: early, you just seem
373
00:08:08,019 --> 00:08:10,000
So happy and together now.
374
00:08:10,002 --> 00:08:11,021
It's great to see you found
375
00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:12,023
Some, uh...Ones.
376
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,017
>> early:
377
00:08:14,019 --> 00:08:14,028
Say.
378
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,020
And then I tweak it a little
379
00:08:16,022 --> 00:08:17,001
Bit.
380
00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:18,024
I put all the sex spin on it.
381
00:08:18,026 --> 00:08:19,023
That's how I do.
382
00:08:19,025 --> 00:08:21,013
>> sheriff: you know, early,
383
00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:22,022
I-I like to join things.
384
00:08:22,024 --> 00:08:24,013
What -- what's a guy got to do
385
00:08:24,015 --> 00:08:25,024
To get in on somethin' like
386
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:26,006
This?
387
00:08:26,008 --> 00:08:27,020
>> early: oh, it's easy.
388
00:08:27,022 --> 00:08:29,000
You just gotta make two womerns
389
00:08:29,002 --> 00:08:29,027
Join in with you.
390
00:08:29,029 --> 00:08:31,020
Preserve the ratio!
391
00:08:31,022 --> 00:08:32,022
And cut your testicles off.
392
00:08:32,024 --> 00:08:33,027
>> sheriff: uh, wait -- wait a
393
00:08:33,029 --> 00:08:34,013
Minute.
394
00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,025
Hold it.
395
00:08:35,027 --> 00:08:37,001
How many women did you say?
396
00:08:37,003 --> 00:08:37,025
>> early: two.
397
00:08:37,027 --> 00:08:39,002
>> sheriff: well, if I could
398
00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:40,016
Find two women, then, hell, I
399
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:41,018
Wouldn't need to join.
400
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,027
>> early: they will, you know,
401
00:08:42,029 --> 00:08:44,001
Be one, just one, but one
402
00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:45,019
Bequeathed to have it.
403
00:08:45,021 --> 00:08:48,002
And to bangeth his'un's way with
404
00:08:48,004 --> 00:08:48,021
It.
405
00:08:48,023 --> 00:08:49,025
Read your scholars.
406
00:08:49,027 --> 00:08:51,020
>> sheriff: well, look, l-let's
407
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:52,017
Meet halfway.
408
00:08:52,019 --> 00:08:54,007
How about I bring
409
00:08:54,009 --> 00:08:55,014
Cut
410
00:08:55,016 --> 00:08:57,001
>> granny: let him keep a nut.
411
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,021
>> early: hold on. Hold on.
412
00:08:58,023 --> 00:08:59,016
Let me ask.
413
00:08:59,018 --> 00:09:01,018
God, willst thou accept one
414
00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:03,028
Clacker and one woman from this
415
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,000
Lonely pilgrim?
416
00:09:07,017 --> 00:09:08,015
No. He said "No."
417
00:09:08,017 --> 00:09:09,007
Two nuts it is.
418
00:09:09,009 --> 00:09:10,018
>> sheriff: [ sighs ]
419
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:11,003
Damn it.
420
00:09:11,005 --> 00:09:12,003
[ clicks tongue ]
421
00:09:12,005 --> 00:09:13,002
Well...
422
00:09:13,004 --> 00:09:14,022
I'll be back this afternoon.
423
00:09:14,024 --> 00:09:15,022
>> granny: okay.
424
00:09:15,024 --> 00:09:17,007
We're all set for lima beans.
425
00:09:17,009 --> 00:09:18,028
I got 'em stacked nine high.
426
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,020
>> early: the lord telleth me,
427
00:09:20,022 --> 00:09:22,007
Lo, they should be moved again,
428
00:09:22,009 --> 00:09:23,027
To yet another corner of the
429
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:24,015
Room.
430
00:09:24,017 --> 00:09:25,002
>> granny: ohh.
431
00:09:25,004 --> 00:09:26,006
>> early: you best do it now,
432
00:09:26,008 --> 00:09:27,016
Before you cause him anger.
433
00:09:27,018 --> 00:09:28,024
>> granny: and then maybe we can
434
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,019
Consummate our --
435
00:09:29,021 --> 00:09:30,024
>> early: uh, let's just, uh,
436
00:09:30,026 --> 00:09:32,016
Tackle them beans first.
437
00:09:32,018 --> 00:09:34,020
[ racecars zooming on tv ]
438
00:09:34,022 --> 00:09:37,008
[ women shouting ]
439
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,019
[ glass breaks ]
440
00:09:39,021 --> 00:09:40,024
>> early: snack time!
441
00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:42,008
>> granny: I want the biggest
442
00:09:42,010 --> 00:09:42,024
Cup.
443
00:09:42,026 --> 00:09:44,015
>> early: I call uponst you to
444
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,025
Drink from my damn glass!
445
00:09:45,027 --> 00:09:47,005
Everybody just drink this, okay?
446
00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:48,006
Just drink it, damn it.
447
00:09:48,008 --> 00:09:49,022
>> sheriff: praise be the church
448
00:09:49,024 --> 00:09:50,016
Of the early --
449
00:09:50,018 --> 00:09:51,021
>> early: cult's over with.
450
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:52,028
>> sheriff: uh...But you said
451
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:53,029
God said we'd all be --
452
00:09:54,001 --> 00:09:55,001
>> early: come on, now.
453
00:09:55,003 --> 00:09:56,007
Let's not get into "He said,
454
00:09:56,009 --> 00:09:56,026
God said."
455
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:58,006
>> sheriff: well, what happened?
456
00:09:58,008 --> 00:09:59,025
>> early: unholy menstrual
457
00:09:59,027 --> 00:10:01,017
Cycles all in tandem -- it's
458
00:10:01,019 --> 00:10:03,005
A -- it's a damn tour de france
459
00:10:03,007 --> 00:10:04,023
Of ball-bustin' bitchery!
460
00:10:04,025 --> 00:10:07,003
>> sheriff: ball-bustin'. Hmph.
461
00:10:07,005 --> 00:10:08,025
Those were the days.
462
00:10:08,027 --> 00:10:11,004
>> uh, can we -- can we go into
463
00:10:11,006 --> 00:10:12,017
The party now?
464
00:10:12,019 --> 00:10:14,020
>> early: the big'un stays.
465
00:10:14,022 --> 00:10:16,003
You get on in there, get you
466
00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:17,004
Some fruit punch.
467
00:10:17,006 --> 00:10:18,016
>> I like fruit punch.
468
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,029
>> sheriff: uh, denny, wait!
469
00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:22,023
Stop!
470
00:10:22,025 --> 00:10:24,016
Bring me out a glass, too.
471
00:10:24,018 --> 00:10:26,007
I-I like that fruit punch.
472
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:28,008
>> all right, then.
473
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:29,028
>> sheriff: look, I don't mean
474
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,020
To be a jerk, but you said this
475
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:33,004
Was a way for me to meet women
476
00:10:33,006 --> 00:10:34,007
Singles in my area.
477
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,000
>> early: no, I just started the
478
00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:37,020
Church so I ain't gotta pay no
479
00:10:37,022 --> 00:10:38,000
Tax.
480
00:10:38,002 --> 00:10:39,017
>> sheriff: I ain't so sure
481
00:10:39,019 --> 00:10:40,029
You've ever
482
00:10:41,001 --> 00:10:41,009
You?
483
00:10:41,011 --> 00:10:42,027
>> early: no, I don't pay no
484
00:10:42,029 --> 00:10:44,028
Taxes, no.
485
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,005
>> sheriff: got awful quiet in
486
00:10:46,007 --> 00:10:46,021
There.
487
00:10:46,023 --> 00:10:47,027
>> early: yep. Party's over.
488
00:10:47,029 --> 00:10:49,005
>> sheriff: well, how you gonna
489
00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:50,017
Break the news to the girls?
490
00:10:50,019 --> 00:10:51,025
>> early: oh, I think they got
491
00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:52,010
The message.
492
00:10:52,012 --> 00:10:54,010
>> sheriff: mmm. Thanks, denny.
493
00:10:54,012 --> 00:10:57,022
>> ah, that grape hit the spot.
494
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,010
Then burned a hole right through
495
00:10:59,012 --> 00:11:00,028
It.
496
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,020
>> sheriff: [ slurps ]
497
00:11:02,022 --> 00:11:03,023
[ sizzling ]
498
00:11:03,025 --> 00:11:06,006
Oh, damn. Spilled some.
499
00:11:06,008 --> 00:11:08,020
[ loud heartbeat ]
500
00:11:08,022 --> 00:11:09,025
>> early: ain't about to pay no
501
00:11:09,027 --> 00:11:11,017
Sumbitchin' tax.
502
00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:34,008
>> I walk with jesus.
30588
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