Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my oldest son was born an

Albino ♪

♪ my youngest is, uh, covered in

Hair ♪

♪ the middle one says he's a

Homosexual ♪

♪ the other seven's gone, I

Don't know where ♪

♪ and I don't care ♪

♪ I just don't care ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ rock music playing ]

>> get out.

[ door closes ]

>> early: hey, hey, baby.

[ giggles ]

>> ooh.

>> early: you like you some good

Head?

[ both giggle ]

I like me some good head, too.

>> mm.

[ clanking ]

>> early: whoa!

Your nipples is erectin'.

Hey, what do you say we take

This party downstairs?

[ clank ]

Let me just get down here.

[ clank ]

Come on, now.

[ grunts ]

Loosen up.

>> early.

>> early: can't resist me.

>> early.

>> early: what the...

>> them papers is 25 cents.

>> early: hell no!

You done priced yourself out

Of the damn market.

[ dialing ]

Damn dyin' media.

[ ringing ]

It's bullmess.

>> hey.

>> early: hey.

It's me.

>> [ slurping ]

>> early: did you get my text?

>> nunh-unh.

>> early: didn't send one.

Hell, you can't read, you dumb

Bitch.

So, what else is goin' on?

>> nothin'.

>> early: hell, I wouldn't make

Love to you if you was the last

Woman on earth!

>> well, don't come over, then.

>> early: well, I won't!

If I was, uh...

Not to show up in 20 minutes,

Would, uh, would that work?

I mean, would you be there in 20

For me not to be there if you

Was the last woman on earth?!

>> I'm with my cousin.

>> early: good god!

Is there anything you won't

Bang?

>> it's a

[ tires screech ]

>> early: oh! Trouser tent pole!

Two of 'em!

Lord, please let me have this

Extra-chunky threesome, and I

Will forever pretend gospel is

Better than the devil's music,

Which we both know it ain't.

Amen.

Ladies!

>> hunh-unh.

Don't answer him, krystal.

He's just not that into you.

>> early: hey, come on, now.

Give that cousin a hug.

Bet you ain't seen her in a long

Time.

Bet you missed her.

Yeah, and then a hand on the

Thigh.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Let's loosen up and have a

Little bit of fun, here.

[ grunts ]

>> no three-way, no way, no how.

>> early: now, come on, now!

>> I'm a god-fearin' woman.

I won't do nothin' out of

Marriage.

[ crash ]

>> we married.

[ crash ]

>> and

>> early: [ groans ]

>> granny: oh, no.

Rusty, you don't need to be

Seein' this.

>> go play in the yard with your

Step-- s-s-step--

S-s-stepsisters and -brothers.

[ all cheering ]

>> granny: wake up, you drunk

Fool!

>> early: [ groans ]

>> granny: you done married two

Wives!

>> early: that's what the lord

Told me to do!

>> yeah, I-I never said that.

>> granny: jesus says he never

Said that.

>> early: but wait -- what'd you

Say, lord?

>> who are you talkin' to?

>> early: shh-shh! Shh!

Shut up, woman!

The

What's that?

>> that's -- see, that's not me

At all.

>> early: you givin' me a

Vision.

>> what?

>> early: he done sayeth unto me

That I must seek to

Matrimonialate multiple womerns,

Like that smart son of a bitch

Down there in texas.

>> wait. What bible do you have?

Are you making this up as you go

Along?

>> early: lo, and they shall be

Barely legal.

>> no.

>> early: and they skirts shall

Be short and sluttitudinous.

>> we didn't even have that kind

Of language.

>> early: and they t-shirts, he

Shall wetteth.

>> granny: early, you gonna ruin

My in with jesus.

And I just got him to forget

About that ponzi scheme I ran in

The '70s.

>> early: leave me be, for I

Must now seek repose in the

Ample bosom of my husky

Betrothed.

Deliver unto them my manly

Pleasures

Speed.

>> granny: oh, early, multiple

Wives?

Well, why don't you just kick

Jesus in the crotch?

>> early: [ groans ]

I was gonna do this on a big-ass

Blimp at the tractor pull, but,

Hell -- here goes.

>> granny: [ gasps ]

>> early: I'd like you to be my

Bride -- number one...

>> granny: oh, early!

>> early: ...If you'll have me.

>> granny: a churchy weddin'!

Two young lovers bound by blood.

The hottest of passions shared

Between 'em through physical

Intimacy.

>> granny, come on --

>> granny: begone, satan!

Now, look, we gotta book that

Venue now, 'cause that stuff

Gets taken.

And I don't want a deejay.

I want a band.

>> early: hey, randy roo.

How's it hangin', bro?

>> granny: now, I've already

Gotten some demos.

>> early: how 'bout you

Cancelin' that blimp with the

Proposal on it?

>> granny: most of 'em are lame

As hell.

>> early: what you mean you

Can't return my damn deposit?

>> granny: pick a caterer --

That's very important.

>> early: all right, then.

Just tweak the verbatage.

>> do you love him?

>> [ gasping ]

>> ♪ ...My soul ♪

♪ jesus, take my feeble hand ♪

>> sheriff: y'all ever watch

"Cops"?

Uh, I kinda think it's staged,

Really.

>> ♪ ...Touch my wretched

Face... ♪

>> sheriff: uh, y'all ever watch

"Cops"?

>> okay, christian singles,

Let's make some connections!

[ record scratches ]

>> ♪ mo-mo-monogamy ♪

♪ monogamy, monogamy ♪

♪ ha ha, yeah ♪

♪ I got to be faithful ♪

>> ♪ faithful! ♪

>> ♪ you know you got to be

Pious ♪

>> ♪ pious! ♪

>> all right, let's have all the

Men stand on this side of the

Room and all you women come

Introduce yourselves, but

Otherwise remain silent and

Obediently follow whatever your

New life partner tells you to

Do, for you were created from an

Expendable bone from adam's

Hairy, rippled chest.

The bible says it --

>> sheriff: reverend,

Women?

It's like a chorizo party in

Here.

>> ugh!

We're losing our females to

Early's cult.

>> early: [ slurping ]

[ women laughing ]

>> rusty: hey, daddy, I got me a

Girlfriend -- my stepsister,

Dora.

>> early: you mean my

>> rusty: dang, you smooth,

Daddy.

Cocksmanship.

I guess I'll go over here and

Swing now.

>> early: not with

Won't!

>> rusty: dang.

You don't mind if I go over here

To this fuel filter, do you,

Now, daddy?

>> early: not with

Won't.

>> rusty: dang.

I better go propose to the

See-saw right quick.

>> early: not with

Won't.

>> I can see their boobs with

These space glasses.

>> sheriff: give me that.

Let somebody that can be

Professional look at these

Bazoons and see what's goin' on.

[ chuckling ] Damn.

Those

Let's do this thing.

Early cuyler, this is the

Sheriff speakin'.

>> early: get inside, now.

Go on.

>> sheriff: let us in.

>> early: end-times is upon us,

My flock.

Lo, I am troubled, and my eyes

Wish to behold a make-out

Session.

Go on, 27.

Now, you just get on down there

And lay down with 26.

>> sheriff: it's a make-out

Session.

He's mockin' us.

Start the tape, denny.

>> ♪ boy, I wanna do it on the

Dance floor ♪

>> early: what the hell?!

What the hell's this?!

>> sheriff: they ain't gonna be

Able to take this long.

I guarantee it.

>> ♪ boy, I wanna do it on the

Dance floor ♪

>> sheriff: this doesn't seem to

Be workin'.

Try track 2.

[ techno music plays ]

>> ♪ boy, I wanna do it on

The... ♪

>> sheriff: hmm.

These boys just don't have a lot

Of range, do they?

>> yeah, this is the south beach

Extended remix.

>> sheriff: hey, man, you see

That dark-headed one over there?

Makin' out with the big one?

Is it, uh, just me, or does she

Keep lookin' over here?

>> I like this song.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ] Yeah.

The groove

>> early: whoo-hoo!

Come on, now, baby!

Let's cut this thing loose!

>> granny: early, you want us to

Get the --

>> early: aw, you best stay out

Of it.

>> granny: ohh.

>> early: go re-stack the canned

Goods.

[ loud bang ]

What the hell?!

The government is goin' to burn

Us down!

The day has come, people.

Do you hear me?

>> sheriff: now, early, I-it

Ain't like that at all.

We just came to meet other

Singles for friendship and...

Maybe more.

You, uh, with the dark hair,

Under the slightly larger one --

What's

You ever watch that show "Cops"?

>> early: sheriff, I'm afraid

They all took -- married to

>> sheriff: I-I-I'm sorry,

Early.

I-I didn't see a ring or

Nothin'.

>> early: barbed wire is the

Ring.

>> sheriff: oh, well.

>> early: see, what we do here

Is we creatin' underage womerns

For me to marry out of these

Womerns that I done and married.

And by doin' this, w-we was able

To create a younger, finer,

Good-lookin'er woman, and they

All mine.

>> sheriff: early, you just seem

So happy and together now.

It's great to see you found

Some, uh...Ones.

>> early:

Say.

And then I tweak it a little

Bit.

I put all the sex spin on it.

That's how I do.

>> sheriff: you know, early,

I-I like to join things.

What -- what's a guy got to do

To get in on somethin' like

This?

>> early: oh, it's easy.

You just gotta make two womerns

Join in with you.

Preserve the ratio!

And cut your testicles off.

>> sheriff: uh, wait -- wait a

Minute.

Hold it.

How many women did you say?

>> early: two.

>> sheriff: well, if I could

Find two women, then, hell, I

Wouldn't need to join.

>> early: they will, you know,

Be one, just one, but one

Bequeathed to have it.

And to bangeth his'un's way with

It.

Read your scholars.

>> sheriff: well, look, l-let's

Meet halfway.

How about I bring

Cut

>> granny: let him keep a nut.

>> early: hold on. Hold on.

Let me ask.

God, willst thou accept one

Clacker and one woman from this

Lonely pilgrim?

No. He said "No."

Two nuts it is.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

Damn it.

[ clicks tongue ]

Well...

I'll be back this afternoon.

>> granny: okay.

We're all set for lima beans.

I got 'em stacked nine high.

>> early: the lord telleth me,

Lo, they should be moved again,

To yet another corner of the

Room.

>> granny: ohh.

>> early: you best do it now,

Before you cause him anger.

>> granny: and then maybe we can

Consummate our --

>> early: uh, let's just, uh,

Tackle them beans first.

[ racecars zooming on tv ]

[ women shouting ]

[ glass breaks ]

>> early: snack time!

>> granny: I want the biggest

Cup.

>> early: I call uponst you to

Drink from my damn glass!

Everybody just drink this, okay?

Just drink it, damn it.

>> sheriff: praise be the church

Of the early --

>> early: cult's over with.

>> sheriff: uh...But you said

God said we'd all be --

>> early: come on, now.

Let's not get into "He said,

God said."

>> sheriff: well, what happened?

>> early: unholy menstrual

Cycles all in tandem -- it's

A -- it's a damn tour de france

Of ball-bustin' bitchery!

>> sheriff: ball-bustin'. Hmph.

Those were the days.

>> uh, can we -- can we go into

The party now?

>> early: the big'un stays.

You get on in there, get you

Some fruit punch.

>> I like fruit punch.

>> sheriff: uh, denny, wait!

Stop!

Bring me out a glass, too.

I-I like that fruit punch.

>> all right, then.

>> sheriff: look, I don't mean

To be a jerk, but you said this

Was a way for me to meet women

Singles in my area.

>> early: no, I just started the

Church so I ain't gotta pay no

Tax.

>> sheriff: I ain't so sure

You've ever

You?

>> early: no, I don't pay no

Taxes, no.

>> sheriff: got awful quiet in

There.

>> early: yep. Party's over.

>> sheriff: well, how you gonna

Break the news to the girls?

>> early: oh, I think they got

The message.

>> sheriff: mmm. Thanks, denny.

>> ah, that grape hit the spot.

Then burned a hole right through

It.

>> sheriff: [ slurps ]

[ sizzling ]

Oh, damn. Spilled some.

[ loud heartbeat ]

>> early: ain't about to pay no

Sumbitchin' tax.

>> I walk with jesus.