Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ well, my oldest son was

Born an albino ♪

♪ and my youngest, uh, is

Covered with hair ♪

♪ and the middle one says he's a

Homosexual ♪

♪ and the other seven's gone,

And I don't know where ♪

♪ and I don't care ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: man, let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

Ohhhh, my head.

>> granny: [ groans ]

>> early: [ gasps ]

What in the hell?!

Did we do somethin', you and

Me?!

>> granny: I'm not sure, but --

>> early: oh, hell!

>> granny: ...Just so you know,

I can't get pregnant no more.

>> early: whoa, now!

Did

>> rusty: ain't do nothin'.

I ain't like that, daddy.

I had one of them dreams last

Night that godzilly came over

Here and tilted our house up off

The ground.

>> early: son.

Son, now, come on.

That's impossible.

I mean, ol' godzilla, he lives

Up there in ja-pan.

And that's a long-ass commute

Just for a beatdown, okay?

No, godzilly ain't got no --

[ rumbling ]

It's godzilla!

>> granny: oh, no!

It's godzilly!

>> early: we have angered him!

Son, fetch my emergency hat!

>> rusty: godzilly!

Aaaaaaaah!

>> early: all right, there we

Go.

Assume the position.

Do it! Do it!

[ engines revving ]

[ helicopter blades whirring ]

[ rumbling stops ]

>> early: aw, look at this

Place.

Lil, clean up this mess.

>> lil: [ groans ]

>> early: damn, you sloppy-ass

Bitch.

Checked out on meth.

Ain't got a sumbitchin' clue.

>> lil: hey! Miguel!

Get that batch of sour diesel

Wrapped and loaded.

Make sure you have the o.G. Kush

And strawberry cough dried and

Labeled before you go.

>> but these are all the -- the

Same.

>> lil: it's marketin', you

Dumbass!

Now, come on!

Bonnaroo is in tres días!

[ alarm blaring ]

It's the pigs.

Lights out. Nobody move.

Isilencio!

[ siren wails ]

[ engine shuts off ]

>> sheriff: hey, uh, groovers.

Uh, it's 20 minutes after 4:00.

Anybody want to get, uh,

Sky-high on some, uh, grass?

>> early: are you a cop,

Sheriff?

>> sheriff: oh, no way, bro.

>> early: 'cause you supposed to

Tell us if you was the po-lice.

>> sheriff: come on, now.

L-let's just, uh...

[ clears throat ]

Let's inhale some drugs

Together.

Or maybe we could rub some drugs

On our gums and experience a

Kind of feeling of euphoria.

>> early: all right.

All right, then.

Hell yeah! That sounds good!

>> sheriff: okay. Yeah.

W-w-where's mary and johnny?

'cause I want to get gassed.

>> early: yeah, now! Me too!

>> granny: yeah, also me.

>> rusty: I'll try anything

Once.

>> early: there you go!

>> sheriff: let's go on a drug

Trip.

>> granny: yeah, let's go!

>> early: let's do it!

Hell, I'm down with it!

>> rusty: can't get worse.

>> early: let's go.

>> sheriff: uh, let's do it --

Now.

>> early: all right, then.

Let's do it.

>> granny: all right.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

Y'all ain't got no drugs, do

You?

>> early: no, we ain't got no

Drugs.

No. Hunh-unh.

>> granny: how about

>> sheriff: [ sighs ] Fine.

Want to play dumb?

Come on, boy.

Get out there and sniff them

Drugs out.

Come on. [ clicks tongue ]

Come on.

>> rusty: sheriff, uh --

>> sheriff: get your scent.

There you go.

>> rusty: h-h-he ain't movin'.

>> sheriff: he's just scopin'

Out the scene.

You know -- playin' dead.

[ flies buzzing ]

Early, you said this was a drug

Possum.

>> early: it

Drug it over here from the side

Of the road to sell it to

Dumb ass.

>> sheriff: fine.

We'll just do it with the

Gerbil.

I got all day.

>> rusty: what's this all about,

Sheriff?

>> sheriff: well, we're gettin'

Reports of a lot of marijuana

Traffic comin' out of

Dougal county, see.

And the gbi sent these satellite

Photos of your property.

Look right here.

That's your shack, and this

Here's widespread panic.

They been playin' on your

Back 40 for 3 days.

>> granny: is that what that

Rattlin' was all about?

[ rock music playing ]

>> early: hey!

Turn that damn mess down!

>> granny: devil music!

>> early: sing me a song about

America!

>> granny: you filthy hippies!

>> early: mud-waterin'-at-

Woodstock damn sumbitchin'

Hippies!

>> sheriff: point me to your

Drug stash -- now.

>> early: aw, hell.

This ain't about my private plot

Back there, is it?

>> sheriff: nah.

That's just small potatoes.

>> early: oh, good.

>> sheriff: no, really.

Those are literally tiny

Potatoes.

We tested them.

Do you really get off of that?

>> early: nope.

[ inhales deeply ]

[ strained ] Suppose I shoulda

Read the seed packet.

[ coughing ]

>> sheriff: oh, well.

If y'all find anything out, just

Let me know.

>> early: all right, then.

See you later.

>> granny: toodle-oo.

>> rusty: see you later,

Sheriff.

>> iadiós!

>> iadiós!

>> iadiós, amigo!

>> sheriff: hang on just a

Minute.

[ helicopter blades whirring ]

Tax assessor's gonna want to see

That.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

He'd probably call it a

Split-level, I betcha.

>> rusty: hell yeah!

We got us a basement!

>> granny: yeah!

>> rusty: we gonna have us some

Fun!

>> granny: we can finally get

The bumper pool table out the

Yard.

>> early: lil!

Get your ass out here!

You got some questions to

Answer!

Like -- like how you play bumper

Pool.

And why them bumpers so close to

The hole.

It don't make no sense.

[ grunts ]

Lil!

[ gunshot ]

What in the hell?!

>> lil: ain't no one goin' down

There.

We shippin' out in three days.

>> granny: it's a front?!

>> early: [ laughs ]

Novelty vomit.

>> granny: she fooled us!

>> early: oh, well.

[ grunting ] Lift up the house.

I'm takin' all your drugs.

[ laughs ]

[ guns cock ]

What the he--

>> lil: you want some of my

Weed?

You got to get a prescription.

>> early: now, remember what I

Said, now.

Keep your story straight.

You been strugglin' with the

Lower-back pain, and

Degenerative eye condition.

>> granny: no, I --

>> early: yes...You...Do!

>> granny: [ groans ]

>> okay, uh...

Oh. Yeah.

Looks like a hernisnated disc

And, uh, a case of the old

Glo-cauma.

So I'm gonna go with, uh,

Marijuana.

>> granny: hooray!

Ohh.

>> early: finally!

I can feel comfortable in social

Situations!

You get them hands up where I

Can see 'em.

>> okeydoke.

>> early: I can't -- I can't see

Your hands.

Where the hell your hands at?

>> granny: [ giggling ]

>> is that better?

>> early: ooh. There they are.

All right, now.

What was I gonna do here?

>> let me just turn this around.

>> early: that's right -- the

Boom-boom comes out that end.

Ooh.

All right.

You...

Uhhhh...

>> granny: this is frozen.

>> early: I'll have every corn

Dog...

And some little doughnuts...

>> okay.

>> granny: [ laughing ]

>> early: four or five.

>> here you go, early.

>> early: mmm. Mmm.

This is a robbery.

>> granny: [ laughs ]

>> early: hey.

I need me some clean urine

Right now!

>> you know they don't --

>> early: people been a-watchin'

Me.

>> ...Drug-test here.

>> early: I need what I need, so

Piss in the mug!

Come on. Here we go.

Shake the dew off.

I'll catch it.

Come on. Take your leak, now.

>> [ urinating ]

>> dan halen: gentlemen.

>> early: wha...

I ain't on drugs.

You think I'm on drugs?

Uh, ain't nobody here on drugs.

>> that's, uh, that's my

Father's day mug, so --

>> early: I know that, glenn.

I got it off your desk.

"Best dad ever!!!"

[ laughs ]

Your stupid young'uns are the

Ones on drugs.

Ahhh. Oh, yeah.

This almost makes me not want to

Stalk that abortion doctor.

[ sighs ]

Yeah.

[ goggles whir ]

Almost.

Mm. Look at that sky.

>> granny: oh, yeah.

>> early: blows my mind to think

That adam and eve used to bump

The uglies right here, under

These same stars, lo them 300

Year ago.

>> granny: [ laughs ]

>> sheriff: I-I hate to

Interrupt you and all, but did

You know you was doin' 3 in a

55?

>> early: hell, I ain't drivin'.

>> granny: [ laughs ]

>> sheriff: where you headed

Tonight, son?

>> early: where are we

Headed, sheriff?

>> granny: [ laughs ]

>> early: that's the

Question, ain't it?

>> sheriff: [ laughs ]

You're right.

Whoo, boy. My thumb

I just never noticed it before.

[ chuckles ]

>> early: the lord god didn't

Put no thumb on my hand.

You know why?

>> granny: that's 'cause...

God only don't...Give you no

What he knows you can't handle.

>> early: exactly.

>> granny: sheriff.

[ rock music plays ]

>> ♪ oh, the bakin' blues ♪

>> early: damn. Listen to that.

>> sheriff: [ coughing ]

>> early: mm.

That there is a stone-cold

Groove.

>> sheriff: look at that thumb.

It was there all the time.

>> early: come on, now.

Let's all us wiggle-dance now.

Whoo!

>> granny: ooh, I love wigglin'.

>> ♪ smokin' granny's panties ♪

♪ lord, make me squeal ♪

>> sheriff: hell yeah!

>> ♪ one in the morning ♪

♪ smokin' granny's panties makes

Me feel ♪

♪ aww! ♪

[ glasses whirring, beeping ]

Thank you, dougal county!

>> early: hell yeah!

>> thank you!

>> early: coconuts, baby!

>> sheriff: coconuts!

>> early: whoo!

[ guns cock, feedback ]

>> gbi! On the floor!

Lock it down! Lock it down!

>> early: whoa, now! Whoa!

>> sheriff: oh, hell.

>> early: hold on,

Widespread panic!

Y'all cops?

>> yeah, man.

You know, we just said that.

>> sheriff: [ thinking ]

>> early: I-it -- it ain't me!

It's the bitch!

>> granny: yeah, she's the one.

>> early: she runs the whole

Operation!

>> get the emts in here.

It looks like he's given her an

Overdose.

>> early: she's cuttin' her eyes

At me!

>> granny: she's fakin'!

>> early: come on, look!

She's a faker!

>> sheriff:

[ all muttering ]

>> what the hell are all those

Nude mexicans doing here?

>> early: they, uh...

>> granny: they're my nannies.

>> early: yeah, t-they're all

Nannies.

You know, for my boy.

>> 15 naked male nannies?

>> granny: he's got a lot of

Problems.

>> sheriff:

Down on the floor!

[ gunshots ]

Everybody on the floor!

Me too.

We're all on the same level now.

We're all at the same place.

Nobody's above anybody else.

Everybody's the same now.

[ thinking ]

>> jackpot.

This is the stuff.

>> round it up, boys.

It's

>> maybe we should ignite some

Of this in the mobile lab.

Uh, you know, just to see how

Strong it is.

>> so that no one ever again can

Smoke this particular...Weed...

Without us.

>> early: ain't y'all gonna do

The handcuffs now?

Or you must have a little bit

Different procedure?

>> uh...

>> um, this is just a verbal

Warning.

>> drugs are bad.

>> uh, see ya.

>> stay in school!

[ tires squeal, sirens wail ]

>> was that widespread panic?

>> looks like they got all of

It.

>> again? Damn it!

>> rusty: they didn't get

One.

>> early: well, hell yeah!

>> granny: let's light this

Doob.

>> early: come on, now!

Let's blaze one up! Whoo!

I mean...

Let's destroy it...

In accordance with local

Statutes.

>> you're under arrest.

>> early: damn it!

>> granny: ohh!

>> rusty: now, hang on, now.

Even the fda considers marijuana

Non-addictive.

Do you know that there was over

435,000 tobacco- and

Alcohol-related deaths last

Year?

You know how many people

Marijuana killed?

One.

One dumbass who tried to

Hacky sack a tarantula.

Now, gentlemen, my point is, I

Urge you to take --

>> early: damn it to hell!

>> rusty: sorry, daddy.

>> granny: what are you --

A lobbyist?

>> rusty: I didn't mean to get

Us in here and everything.

>> early: look here.

Marijuana ain't gonna get us

Nowhere.

That's pretty damn clear.

But I'll tell you what -- that

Lemon-scented toilet wine will

Show you the face of god!

>> rusty: w-w-what is this

Stuff?

Is this furniture polish?

>> early: [ coughs ]

[ country music plays ]