Original subtitles

>> sheriff: Squidbillies...

>> you're never going back There.

>> well then ain't the state Gonna stop giving us that

Money check?

>> wait!

Get on back here!

It's wrong the way they took you From your daddy!

Son!

>>

>> oh, hey there sheriff.

>> uhh.

>> is it rusty money day Already?

>> I just need to see one Russell jesse james

Kenny the gambler rogers Number three the intimidator

Dale, uh, earnhardt Kenny the gambler rogers

America is number one cuyler?

>> oh he's back there in the Master a sleepin' it off again.

Now, now lets just get that Money check from ya.

>> hell, this ain't rusty, It's some dude.

>> (coughs) Ain't got my face on yet.

>> oh oop, sorry lil, I was just Responding to the mustache...

But just where is rusty?

>> aaahhh! My baby boy is gone!

He's missin'!

>> baby rusty!

>> well, you're right he's Not here.

>> he was took from our home In the night!

>> call dr. Phil!

>> I'd better launch one Of those uh--

>> investigations?

>> I- I was gonna say "Flares," But your idea's better.

>> how will we ever live as Well again, without him?!

>> baby rusty!

♪ just follow the sun >> hey man, these shows got

Nice weather.

Our tv got white fuzz all over.

Daddy says it's cause all the Shows are set in the winter

Time.

Granny says it's cause daddy Drank all that satellite money.

I-I believe granny though, 'cause sometimes the shows

Happen inside.

>> shut up, shart-gargler.

>> parker!

This is your new brother!

I have no idea what A "Shart-gargler" is,

But I know I don't want to hear About it again in this car!

>> or you will spend the rest Of the ride in the collapsable

Fourth row of seats.

>> there's only three cup Holders back there!

>> and no ipod dock!

Is this getting through?

>> I'm gonna get a tattoo On my neck that says

"Fuck you mom and dad!" >> you had better not!

>> wait! Look at that! That's Me up there on that screen.

I'm famous! Look at that!

Look at me! That's me!

I'm famous!

Hey, what them words say?

>> it says...

"Welcome to our family, Rusty."

>> oh, okay.

Kickass.

>> granny: it seems like Only yesterday.

>> yeah he-he'd sit on that Porch and he'd just be doing,

You know, whatever it was He used to do and...

>> he just kinda stared.

>> he done it...

All...Every day and-- >> I think he had interests.

>> oh, how he [sniffs] Would exist

To justificate why I should receive a free money

Check from the government!

[ sobbing ] >> look look, if anybody's

Seen the boy we just ask you To please contact us.

Now, unfortunately, this is The only footage we've got

Of him.

>> I can't be gettin another Dui, I done my time.

It's his turn now!

He's the one behind the wheel!

Lookee there who's drivin.

It's him! He's drivin.

>> alright, rusty.

How much you had to drink Tonight, son?

>> derwood: sensational garbage.

>> rusty: wait, wait a minute!

Is that my daddy?

>> kids, look away while I find the right...

>> there he is again. Look!

>> programming choice.

Okay! Here, here we go.

>> I'm afraid we lost the trail.

>> lost the trail?

His grandmother is worried sick.

>> listen early, I'm try-- >> no, you listen!

I want my baby rusty back!!

>> hey, guys, we don't Need to watch tv.

C'mon!

Let's do something healthy, As a family.

Let's watch a dvd.

>> I'm gonna...

I gotta go in the other room.

>> goin' to get some wine?

>> I may have a glass.

>> maybe, just take A muscle relaxer with

The chardonnay.

So you're not completely passed Out when

To bed.

I do work, you know.

>> this is work?

This is what you're working on?

>> don't touch my laptop I have Important papers on there.

>>

>> someone sent me a link!

>> yeah.

>> as a prank.

Because I'm the guy in the Office that hates this stuff.

>> you knows, we's be sad And frustrated as hell and we'd

Pound on the computer every Night, night after night.

And look here what it spat out.

Findbabyrusty.Luv.

All major credit cards accepted.

>> we won't rest Until that baby boy is found,

But we will pace ourselves 'cause you do not want

To step on the golden goose.

>> well, look here.

I mean somebody just sent me This ridin lawnmower.

In honor of my baby.

You can't give me no dui On this.

>> can I say one more thing?

The only thing that kept me Strong night after night,

Staying up worrying about my Grandbaby boy...Was

Python carbonated energy drink!

Shout out to y'all at python!

Slither my hithers!

Wooh!

>> early, come on outside!

I think I got a break In the case!

>> oh lord!

Well, I don't know that I...

I got the strength there, but.

Bring them cameras and light Boxes!

>> y'all see these tire Tracks here?

Now these were caused, All right.

By tires.

>> what's they sayin' over There?

>> I'd wager that those tires Were on some sort of...

Car That rolled with them.

>> or it could be a tire swing.

>> well, that probably Ain't possible, denny.

There'd need to be at least Four trees close to the road

For that to happen.

>> ooohhh, are you sayin' They drove off with my baby

Rusty?

In a car?

>> pretty sure.

>> oh hell!

That don't track at all with my Sworn statement about the ufo

And the jet ski ninja!

>> hey, sheriff.

[ whispering ] >> no more questions.

Thank you, bye.

>> ok, off to work.

Don't call me, I'm slammed In meetings all day.

Got new clients, don't want Anything, uh, disrupting them.

And I think the phone lines are Down and we got no internet

Service so I'm incommunicado!

I'll pick up dinner!

>> he lost his job Two months ago.

>> oh.

>> he doesn't think I know.

>> child services.

>> yes, I just adopted a baby.

Oh, no no no no. Thank you.

I was wondering, is this The department where you

Give out the government money Checks?

Greeny, leafy, spendy money?

>> so, um, what we gonna do Out here all day?

>> you're so tense, rusty.

>> that, that sure is a big Old box of wine, ain't it?

>> I don't know what it is About you squids...

The long legs.

Just wrap 'em around me!

>> like a big old friendly, Platonic um--

>> you ever ink On a grown woman, russell?

>> that, well, huh?

>> these zits are like brail.

>> ♪ I got tears in my eyes ♪ here in paradise ...

Rusty, If you were here with us,

I know that you would like to Thank my buds at dougal parteez

Rental emporium what give us The use of this free karaoke

Machine to publicly work Through our emotions during

This oh so difficult time.

Who's next on this list?

Granny!

>> ♪ she's a brick horse ♪ she's a...

That don't sound right.

Can somebody please move that Damn monitor up?

>> honey? Kids? Rusty?

[ muffled moaning ] >> who's your daddy?

Did I say that right?

>> oh my god!

>> uncle derwood?!

Hey!

This is not how it looks, Uncle derwood.

It is way better!

I could never have imagined!

Whooo hoo! Ow!

>> he raped me.

Send him back.

>> back at my old home when I Get in trouble I get a lickin'.

But not with a tongue, No sirree.

>> rusty, do you know why You are in time out?

>> on account of I had sex With your wife?

>> that's part of it.

>> uncle derwood, I am sorry I let you down.

I do appreciate everything You've been doin', bringing me

Into the city And gettin' me a haircut

And tryin' to turn me into A treehuggin' gay married

Homosexual.

>> look, I know that You've had some trouble

Adapting to life with us.

>> and rusty, we know what You're going through.

>> fiona's white.

She has no idea what you're Going through.

And she's a whore.

>> I want to understand, And I-I want to help.

>> come here, rusty.

Give us a hug.

>> oh, you feel cold.

Here, just slip this hat over Your head.

>> no! You covering my face!

>> get the arms!

>> I've got him!

>> hold him down!

>> whore!

>> hey, sweetheart!

You gonna put a scrim on this Key light?

>> get that makeup woman in Here and airbrush me up

Some abs.

>> and don't underlight me, It picks up the whiskers on my

Chin.

>> just a little six-pack Right chere.

Now them gutless people Who took my boy?

I want them to know...

That I might be branchin' out at Any moment into serious dramatic

Roles.

[ horn honks, rusty screaming ] >> look y'all!

Another break in the case!

>> daddy?

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

>> whoa whoa whoa, hey hey!

We got sound here.

>> quiet on the set.

>> sorry for that rude ass Interruption.

Aight, let's go!

One more time.

In three, two...

No, I...

I don't know when he'll return, But I-I just pray

That he ain't dead.

I think we got one there.

I mean I was really liking Take two.

>> someone unhook me here, Please.

>> I think you just go cut away At that point.

>> hey, lose the sticks, We're walkin'.

>> rusty!

My meal ticket!

>> daddy, I love you!

>> hold on, we got a plane.

[ faint jet engine ] >> is that good?

You've come back, son!

>> daddy!

I saw you looking for me On the tv, daddy.

And I missed you somethin' Fierce, but damn, you did not

Hold up well at all on that hd.

>> as long as we was on the Television set.

That's all that matters, son.

>> hold us, baby rusty!

And don't never again let us go!

Get a tight shot on this.

>> okay, get off.

Get off me.

>> where's that old boy with The steadicam, lao?

>> probably getting some B-roll out front.

>> oh, they ain't got enough Shots of the dead chicken yet?

>> yeah, whenever the v.O. Says "Mired in poverty,"

They just love to cut to that Dead chicken.

>> hell, look at that Deflated snowman.

That is symbolic as hell.

Shoot that!

>> can I say that-- >> lao!

>> can I just tell you guys I am so happy to be here.

>> no! No!!

The vans is gone!

Nancy grace please.

Early cuyler.

You know, baby rusty's Babydaddy?

Well, I know he's back, He sitting right next to me!

>> pitch "Where are they now?" >> look, look just put me on

With nancy and let me get this Figured out with her --

>> pitch the "Where are they now?"

>> alright, fine!

Well what about we do a, You know,

"Where are they now?" piece?

>> people wanna know.

>> what do you mean where Are we now?

Tell her we're here right now!

>> where you did the damn Story, right chere!

Until we get interestin' again?!

I'm intriguing now, You damn dumb tv bitch!

>> she is a bitch.

>> hello?

>> yes, nancy grace please?..

>> I don't see no ferris Wheel down there.

>> you shut your mouth.

>> don't give me no mess, Put nancy grace on the line

Please, thank you.

>> wait a minute, now.

>> okay fine, tell nancy grace I didn't know who to call,

But baby rusty's done Gone again!

>> wait daddy, I'm right here.

Aaaahhh!

[ splash! ] >> yes, I'll hold.