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1
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>> sheriff:
Squidbillies...
2
00:00:04,014 --> 00:00:06,010
>> you're never going back
There.
3
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>> well then ain't the state
Gonna stop giving us that
4
00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:09,021
Money check?
5
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>> wait!
6
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Get on back here!
7
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It's wrong the way they took you
From your daddy!
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Son!
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>>
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>> oh, hey there sheriff.
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>> uhh.
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>> is it rusty money day
Already?
13
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>> I just need to see one
Russell jesse james
14
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Kenny the gambler rogers
Number three the intimidator
15
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Dale, uh, earnhardt
Kenny the gambler rogers
16
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America is number one cuyler?
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>> oh he's back there in the
Master a sleepin' it off again.
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Now, now lets just get that
Money check from ya.
19
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>> hell, this ain't rusty,
It's some dude.
20
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>> (coughs)
Ain't got my face on yet.
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>> oh oop, sorry lil, I was just
Responding to the mustache...
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But just where is rusty?
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>> aaahhh! My baby boy is gone!
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He's missin'!
25
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>> baby rusty!
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>> well, you're right he's
Not here.
27
00:01:01,009 --> 00:01:04,000
>> he was took from our home
In the night!
28
00:01:04,002 --> 00:01:05,009
>> call dr. Phil!
29
00:01:05,011 --> 00:01:06,015
>> I'd better launch one
Of those uh--
30
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>> investigations?
31
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>> I- I was gonna say "Flares,"
But your idea's better.
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>> how will we ever live as
Well again, without him?!
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>> baby rusty!
34
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♪ just follow the sun
>> hey man, these shows got
35
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Nice weather.
36
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Our tv got white fuzz all over.
37
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Daddy says it's cause all the
Shows are set in the winter
38
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Time.
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Granny says it's cause daddy
Drank all that satellite money.
40
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I-I believe granny though,
'cause sometimes the shows
41
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Happen inside.
42
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>> shut up, shart-gargler.
43
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>> parker!
44
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This is your new brother!
45
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I have no idea what
A "Shart-gargler" is,
46
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But I know I don't want to hear
About it again in this car!
47
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>> or you will spend the rest
Of the ride in the collapsable
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Fourth row of seats.
49
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>> there's only three cup
Holders back there!
50
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>> and no ipod dock!
51
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Is this getting through?
52
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>> I'm gonna get a tattoo
On my neck that says
53
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"Fuck you mom and dad!"
>> you had better not!
54
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>> wait! Look at that! That's
Me up there on that screen.
55
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I'm famous! Look at that!
56
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Look at me! That's me!
57
00:02:00,017 --> 00:02:01,016
I'm famous!
58
00:02:01,018 --> 00:02:03,003
Hey, what them words say?
59
00:02:03,005 --> 00:02:04,015
>> it says...
60
00:02:04,017 --> 00:02:08,005
"Welcome to our family,
Rusty."
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00:02:08,007 --> 00:02:08,011
>> oh, okay.
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Kickass.
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00:02:11,002 --> 00:02:13,019
>> granny: it seems like
Only yesterday.
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00:02:13,021 --> 00:02:17,002
>> yeah he-he'd sit on that
Porch and he'd just be doing,
65
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You know, whatever it was
He used to do and...
66
00:02:21,019 --> 00:02:22,014
>> he just kinda stared.
67
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>> he done it...
68
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All...Every day and--
>> I think he had interests.
69
00:02:26,023 --> 00:02:30,003
>> oh, how he [sniffs]
Would exist
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To justificate why
I should receive a free money
71
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Check from the government!
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[ sobbing ]
>> look look, if anybody's
73
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Seen the boy we just ask you
To please contact us.
74
00:02:42,007 --> 00:02:46,013
Now, unfortunately, this is
The only footage we've got
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Of him.
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00:02:47,016 --> 00:02:49,015
>> I can't be gettin another
Dui, I done my time.
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It's his turn now!
78
00:02:50,020 --> 00:02:52,015
He's the one behind the wheel!
79
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Lookee there who's drivin.
80
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It's him! He's drivin.
81
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>> alright, rusty.
82
00:02:56,003 --> 00:02:58,002
How much you had to drink
Tonight, son?
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>> derwood: sensational garbage.
84
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>> rusty: wait, wait a minute!
85
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Is that my daddy?
86
00:03:01,004 --> 00:03:02,011
>> kids, look away while
I find the right...
87
00:03:02,013 --> 00:03:03,000
>> there he is again. Look!
88
00:03:03,002 --> 00:03:04,022
>> programming choice.
89
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,022
Okay! Here, here we go.
90
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,013
>> I'm afraid we lost the trail.
91
00:03:08,015 --> 00:03:09,021
>> lost the trail?
92
00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:11,010
His grandmother is worried sick.
93
00:03:11,012 --> 00:03:13,014
>> listen early, I'm try--
>> no, you listen!
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I want my baby rusty back!!
95
00:03:14,013 --> 00:03:17,006
>> hey, guys, we don't
Need to watch tv.
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00:03:17,008 --> 00:03:18,003
C'mon!
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Let's do something healthy,
As a family.
98
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:23,022
Let's watch a dvd.
99
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:24,020
>> I'm gonna...
100
00:03:24,022 --> 00:03:25,022
I gotta go in the other room.
101
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:26,023
>> goin' to get some wine?
102
00:03:27,001 --> 00:03:27,023
>> I may have a glass.
103
00:03:28,001 --> 00:03:30,001
>> maybe, just take
A muscle relaxer with
104
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The chardonnay.
105
00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:33,002
So you're not completely passed
Out when
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To bed.
107
00:03:34,002 --> 00:03:35,001
I do work, you know.
108
00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:35,023
>> this is work?
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This is what you're working on?
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>> don't touch my laptop I have
Important papers on there.
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00:03:39,002 --> 00:03:40,001
>>
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>> someone sent me a link!
113
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>> yeah.
114
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>> as a prank.
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Because I'm the guy in the
Office that hates this stuff.
116
00:03:47,004 --> 00:03:51,003
>> you knows, we's be sad
And frustrated as hell and we'd
117
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Pound on the computer every
Night, night after night.
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And look here what it spat out.
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Findbabyrusty.Luv.
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All major credit cards accepted.
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>> we won't rest
Until that baby boy is found,
122
00:04:04,009 --> 00:04:08,012
But we will pace ourselves
'cause you do not want
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To step on the golden goose.
124
00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:10,019
>> well, look here.
125
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I mean somebody just sent me
This ridin lawnmower.
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In honor of my baby.
127
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You can't give me no dui
On this.
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00:04:16,014 --> 00:04:18,004
>> can I say one more thing?
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The only thing that kept me
Strong night after night,
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00:04:20,022 --> 00:04:24,020
Staying up worrying about my
Grandbaby boy...Was
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00:04:24,022 --> 00:04:27,006
Python carbonated energy drink!
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Shout out to y'all at python!
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Slither my hithers!
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Wooh!
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00:04:31,002 --> 00:04:32,016
>> early, come on outside!
136
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I think I got a break
In the case!
137
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>> oh lord!
138
00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:36,000
Well, I don't know that I...
139
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I got the strength there, but.
140
00:04:39,006 --> 00:04:43,010
Bring them cameras and light
Boxes!
141
00:04:43,012 --> 00:04:45,018
>> y'all see these tire
Tracks here?
142
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Now these were caused,
All right.
143
00:04:50,010 --> 00:04:51,005
By tires.
144
00:04:51,007 --> 00:04:53,006
>> what's they sayin' over
There?
145
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>> I'd wager that those tires
Were on some sort of...
146
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Car
That rolled with them.
147
00:05:00,021 --> 00:05:02,008
>> or it could be a tire swing.
148
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,013
>> well, that probably
Ain't possible, denny.
149
00:05:03,015 --> 00:05:06,021
There'd need to be at least
Four trees close to the road
150
00:05:06,023 --> 00:05:08,000
For that to happen.
151
00:05:08,002 --> 00:05:10,017
>> ooohhh, are you sayin'
They drove off with my baby
152
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Rusty?
153
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In a car?
154
00:05:12,023 --> 00:05:13,021
>> pretty sure.
155
00:05:13,023 --> 00:05:15,002
>> oh hell!
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That don't track at all with my
Sworn statement about the ufo
157
00:05:18,014 --> 00:05:20,001
And the jet ski ninja!
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>> hey, sheriff.
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00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:25,021
[ whispering ]
>> no more questions.
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Thank you, bye.
161
00:05:28,013 --> 00:05:29,013
>> ok, off to work.
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Don't call me, I'm slammed
In meetings all day.
163
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Got new clients, don't want
Anything, uh, disrupting them.
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00:05:34,006 --> 00:05:36,003
And I think the phone lines are
Down and we got no internet
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Service so I'm incommunicado!
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I'll pick up dinner!
167
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>> he lost his job
Two months ago.
168
00:05:42,012 --> 00:05:43,008
>> oh.
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>> he doesn't think I know.
170
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>> child services.
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>> yes, I just adopted a baby.
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Oh, no no no no. Thank you.
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I was wondering, is this
The department where you
174
00:05:52,008 --> 00:05:54,010
Give out the government money
Checks?
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00:05:54,012 --> 00:05:56,010
Greeny, leafy, spendy money?
176
00:05:56,012 --> 00:06:00,003
>> so, um, what we gonna do
Out here all day?
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>> you're so tense, rusty.
178
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>> that, that sure is a big
Old box of wine, ain't it?
179
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:07,022
>> I don't know what it is
About you squids...
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The long legs.
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Just wrap 'em around me!
182
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>> like a big old friendly,
Platonic um--
183
00:06:13,018 --> 00:06:17,009
>> you ever ink
On a grown woman, russell?
184
00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:18,008
>> that, well, huh?
185
00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:21,011
>> these zits are like brail.
186
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:30,003
>> ♪ I got tears in my eyes
♪ here in paradise ...
187
00:06:30,005 --> 00:06:34,006
Rusty,
If you were here with us,
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I know that you would like to
Thank my buds at dougal parteez
189
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Rental emporium what give us
The use of this free karaoke
190
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Machine to publicly work
Through our emotions during
191
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:45,003
This oh so difficult time.
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00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,011
Who's next on this list?
193
00:06:46,013 --> 00:06:47,017
Granny!
194
00:06:47,019 --> 00:06:51,023
>> ♪ she's a brick horse
♪ she's a...
195
00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:53,007
That don't sound right.
196
00:06:53,009 --> 00:06:57,018
Can somebody please move that
Damn monitor up?
197
00:06:57,020 --> 00:07:00,018
>> honey? Kids? Rusty?
198
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:03,000
[ muffled moaning ]
>> who's your daddy?
199
00:07:03,002 --> 00:07:04,001
Did I say that right?
200
00:07:04,003 --> 00:07:05,004
>> oh my god!
201
00:07:05,006 --> 00:07:06,006
>> uncle derwood?!
202
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,004
Hey!
203
00:07:07,006 --> 00:07:11,012
This is not how it looks,
Uncle derwood.
204
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:12,019
It is way better!
205
00:07:12,021 --> 00:07:14,001
I could never have imagined!
206
00:07:14,003 --> 00:07:14,020
Whooo hoo! Ow!
207
00:07:14,022 --> 00:07:15,020
>> he raped me.
208
00:07:15,022 --> 00:07:18,007
Send him back.
209
00:07:18,009 --> 00:07:20,010
>> back at my old home when I
Get in trouble I get a lickin'.
210
00:07:20,012 --> 00:07:22,008
But not with a tongue,
No sirree.
211
00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:25,016
>> rusty, do you know why
You are in time out?
212
00:07:25,018 --> 00:07:27,020
>> on account of I had sex
With your wife?
213
00:07:27,022 --> 00:07:28,018
>> that's part of it.
214
00:07:28,020 --> 00:07:31,021
>> uncle derwood, I am sorry
I let you down.
215
00:07:31,023 --> 00:07:34,000
I do appreciate everything
You've been doin', bringing me
216
00:07:34,002 --> 00:07:36,020
Into the city
And gettin' me a haircut
217
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:38,021
And tryin' to turn me into
A treehuggin' gay married
218
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,005
Homosexual.
219
00:07:40,007 --> 00:07:42,013
>> look, I know that
You've had some trouble
220
00:07:42,015 --> 00:07:43,021
Adapting to life with us.
221
00:07:43,023 --> 00:07:46,014
>> and rusty, we know what
You're going through.
222
00:07:46,016 --> 00:07:47,012
>> fiona's white.
223
00:07:47,014 --> 00:07:49,014
She has no idea what you're
Going through.
224
00:07:49,016 --> 00:07:50,022
And she's a whore.
225
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,001
>> I want to understand,
And I-I want to help.
226
00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:54,017
>> come here, rusty.
227
00:07:54,019 --> 00:07:58,009
Give us a hug.
228
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,000
>> oh, you feel cold.
229
00:08:00,002 --> 00:08:01,021
Here, just slip this hat over
Your head.
230
00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:02,006
>> no! You covering my face!
231
00:08:02,008 --> 00:08:02,021
>> get the arms!
232
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,019
>> I've got him!
233
00:08:03,021 --> 00:08:08,013
>> hold him down!
234
00:08:08,015 --> 00:08:09,019
>> whore!
235
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:11,000
>> hey, sweetheart!
236
00:08:11,002 --> 00:08:13,000
You gonna put a scrim on this
Key light?
237
00:08:13,002 --> 00:08:14,022
>> get that makeup woman in
Here and airbrush me up
238
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,002
Some abs.
239
00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:18,012
>> and don't underlight me,
It picks up the whiskers on my
240
00:08:18,014 --> 00:08:19,008
Chin.
241
00:08:19,010 --> 00:08:21,011
>> just a little six-pack
Right chere.
242
00:08:21,013 --> 00:08:22,022
Now them gutless people
Who took my boy?
243
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,008
I want them to know...
244
00:08:25,010 --> 00:08:27,015
That I might be branchin' out at
Any moment into serious dramatic
245
00:08:27,017 --> 00:08:28,018
Roles.
246
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:31,001
[ horn honks, rusty screaming ]
>> look y'all!
247
00:08:31,003 --> 00:08:32,019
Another break in the case!
248
00:08:32,021 --> 00:08:34,013
>> daddy?
249
00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,016
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
250
00:08:35,018 --> 00:08:37,007
>> whoa whoa whoa, hey hey!
251
00:08:37,009 --> 00:08:38,007
We got sound here.
252
00:08:38,009 --> 00:08:39,004
>> quiet on the set.
253
00:08:39,006 --> 00:08:41,007
>> sorry for that rude ass
Interruption.
254
00:08:41,009 --> 00:08:42,008
Aight, let's go!
255
00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:43,007
One more time.
256
00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:44,014
In three, two...
257
00:08:44,016 --> 00:08:45,014
No, I...
258
00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:48,023
I don't know when he'll return,
But I-I just pray
259
00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:52,002
That he ain't dead.
260
00:08:52,004 --> 00:08:52,020
I think we got one there.
261
00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:54,006
I mean I was really liking
Take two.
262
00:08:54,008 --> 00:08:56,010
>> someone unhook me here,
Please.
263
00:08:56,012 --> 00:08:58,004
>> I think you just go cut away
At that point.
264
00:08:58,006 --> 00:09:00,001
>> hey, lose the sticks,
We're walkin'.
265
00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,001
>> rusty!
266
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:02,000
My meal ticket!
267
00:09:02,002 --> 00:09:03,001
>> daddy, I love you!
268
00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:06,003
>> hold on, we got a plane.
269
00:09:06,005 --> 00:09:13,019
[ faint jet engine ]
>> is that good?
270
00:09:13,021 --> 00:09:15,004
You've come back, son!
271
00:09:15,006 --> 00:09:16,002
>> daddy!
272
00:09:16,004 --> 00:09:19,000
I saw you looking for me
On the tv, daddy.
273
00:09:19,002 --> 00:09:21,007
And I missed you somethin'
Fierce, but damn, you did not
274
00:09:21,009 --> 00:09:22,011
Hold up well at all on that hd.
275
00:09:22,013 --> 00:09:25,017
>> as long as we was on the
Television set.
276
00:09:25,019 --> 00:09:27,003
That's all that matters, son.
277
00:09:27,005 --> 00:09:29,003
>> hold us, baby rusty!
278
00:09:29,005 --> 00:09:32,023
And don't never again let us go!
279
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:45,012
Get a tight shot on this.
280
00:09:45,014 --> 00:09:46,013
>> okay, get off.
281
00:09:46,015 --> 00:09:47,013
Get off me.
282
00:09:47,015 --> 00:09:49,010
>> where's that old boy with
The steadicam, lao?
283
00:09:49,012 --> 00:09:51,014
>> probably getting some
B-roll out front.
284
00:09:51,016 --> 00:09:53,015
>> oh, they ain't got enough
Shots of the dead chicken yet?
285
00:09:53,017 --> 00:09:57,008
>> yeah, whenever the v.O. Says
"Mired in poverty,"
286
00:09:57,010 --> 00:09:59,017
They just love to cut to that
Dead chicken.
287
00:09:59,019 --> 00:10:01,019
>> hell, look at that
Deflated snowman.
288
00:10:01,021 --> 00:10:03,000
That is symbolic as hell.
289
00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:03,016
Shoot that!
290
00:10:03,018 --> 00:10:05,016
>> can I say that--
>> lao!
291
00:10:05,018 --> 00:10:07,020
>> can I just tell you guys
I am so happy to be here.
292
00:10:07,022 --> 00:10:09,013
>> no! No!!
293
00:10:09,015 --> 00:10:12,009
The vans is gone!
294
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:14,008
Nancy grace please.
295
00:10:14,010 --> 00:10:15,018
Early cuyler.
296
00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:17,016
You know, baby rusty's
Babydaddy?
297
00:10:17,018 --> 00:10:20,009
Well, I know he's back,
He sitting right next to me!
298
00:10:20,011 --> 00:10:22,009
>> pitch "Where are they now?"
>> look, look just put me on
299
00:10:22,011 --> 00:10:24,001
With nancy and let me get this
Figured out with her --
300
00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:25,015
>> pitch the
"Where are they now?"
301
00:10:25,017 --> 00:10:26,009
>> alright, fine!
302
00:10:26,011 --> 00:10:28,010
Well what about we do a,
You know,
303
00:10:28,012 --> 00:10:29,011
"Where are they now?" piece?
304
00:10:29,013 --> 00:10:30,009
>> people wanna know.
305
00:10:30,011 --> 00:10:31,006
>> what do you mean where
Are we now?
306
00:10:31,008 --> 00:10:33,005
Tell her we're here right now!
307
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,013
>> where you did the damn
Story, right chere!
308
00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:37,012
Until we get interestin' again?!
309
00:10:37,014 --> 00:10:41,005
I'm intriguing now,
You damn dumb tv bitch!
310
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:43,019
>> she is a bitch.
311
00:10:43,021 --> 00:10:45,003
>> hello?
312
00:10:45,005 --> 00:10:46,001
>> yes, nancy grace please?..
313
00:10:46,003 --> 00:10:47,016
>> I don't see no ferris
Wheel down there.
314
00:10:47,018 --> 00:10:48,018
>> you shut your mouth.
315
00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:50,009
>> don't give me no mess,
Put nancy grace on the line
316
00:10:50,011 --> 00:10:51,009
Please, thank you.
317
00:10:51,011 --> 00:10:52,012
>> wait a minute, now.
318
00:10:52,014 --> 00:10:55,018
>> okay fine, tell nancy grace
I didn't know who to call,
319
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,019
But baby rusty's done
Gone again!
320
00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:58,001
>> wait daddy, I'm right here.
321
00:10:58,003 --> 00:11:01,000
Aaaahhh!
322
00:11:01,002 --> 00:11:04,008
[ splash! ]
>> yes, I'll hold.
22820
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