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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ somehow I got spinal
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Meningitis ♪
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♪ injecting all that hairspray
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In my spine ♪
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♪ it's a super cheap way
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To party ♪
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♪ if you aim to kill some
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Brain cells and some time ♪
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Good luck getting that
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Child support check from me now.
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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>> the mysteries of the
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Universe -- soon, they shall be
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Mysteries no longer.
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Behold the colossal subterranean
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Particle accelerator.
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This marvel of technology is...
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>> dan halen: good god.
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I have no time for your puffery.
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Does it make a black hole or
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Not?
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>> well, basically, it smashes
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Protons into each other.
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>> dan halen: yes, yes, I got
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That, and that's leading to a
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Giant...What?
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>> a giant...Understanding of
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Subatomic particles.
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>> dan halen: yes, but after
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That, ultimately, in the end,
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Opening a giant...
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>> uh, window to the
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Understanding of --
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>> dan halen: just say it!
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>> a hole, okay?
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Fine, I said it. A hole.
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>> dan halen: all right.
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Allow me to pose a hypothesis.
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Say that hypothetically, I
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Accidentally slayed a prostitute
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During an eight ball-fueled
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Weekend of debauchery.
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[ laughs ]
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I know it sounds silly, but just
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Stick with me.
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Would this rift in space-time be
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A good place to dispose of such
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A hypothetical and now entirely
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Lifeless body?
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>> well, yeah, but it would also
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Shear everything in existence
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Down to subatomic --
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>> dan halen: then you have my
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Interest.
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I trust you will keep georgia on
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Your mind.
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[ laughing evilly ]
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>> so that's your offer for this
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Massive works project -- a
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Bushel of peaches?
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>> dan halen: why?
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What is dothan offering you?
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>> nine farm-fresh eggs.
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>> dan halen: a moron's dozen.
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Leave it to dothan.
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Then it's settled.
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Peaches trump eggs!
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You, frame out the harlot!
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And smile.
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[ camera shutter clicks ]
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>> uh, based on what I'm seeing
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Here, I think this is gonna be a
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Tough sell.
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>> dan halen: no, no, no.
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I've tailored your video to
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Appeal more to the local
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Populace as they drag their jaws
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Through the street like common
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Simians.
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Roll it!
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>> y'all like you some science?
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Then y'all gonna love this
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(boom). Folks call me dr. Horny.
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You know what that means.
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I love poontang.
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>> hey!
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>> but enough about your mom.
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I'm here to tell you about
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Something y'all need in your
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Town.
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This here thing's called
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Dougal county speedway.
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It's just one big-ass racetrack
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For teensy little stock cars.
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[ boing! ]
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It's cool as hell.
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Whoo, show us your tits.
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Let us build one of these in
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Your municipality, and I ain't
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Saying your pecker will grow an
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Inch, but I ain't not saying it
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Ain't, either.
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>> sheriff: hell, you don't need
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Science for that.
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Happens to me all the time in
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The bathtub.
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>> rusty: ain't that one of them
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Things that makes a black hole
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That swallows up space and time?
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You know, uh, not even light can
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Escape and all.
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>> early: don't rush to
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Judgment, boy.
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In matters of science, you must
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Turn to religion.
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>> [ groans ]
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I don't understand it.
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So it's an abomination!
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[ indistinct shouting ]
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>> oh, boy. Here we go.
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>> dan halen: please, let us
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Rise above ignorance.
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Let us embrace modern science
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And let this man build the
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Earth-swallowing black hole!
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>> uh, I don't think they're
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Buying it.
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>> dan halen: fine, fine, fine!
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I hereby declare a period for
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Public comment.
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>> granny: ooh, I want to make a
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Public comment.
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>> early: hold on, woman.
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>> sheriff: be civil, now.
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>> early: it's my turn to
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Public comment!
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Uh, let's see.
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Today, I ate me some of them
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Dill pickles I got.
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>> dan halen: go now!
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Build your whore-swallowing
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Machine quickly!
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>> actually, you know what?
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I'm having some ethical
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Concerns.
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You know, if this thing works,
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It could bring the end --
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>> dan halen: oh, no, no.
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I understand.
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We wouldn't want to lose any or
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All of these valuable members of
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Society...
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>> early: you can spread them on
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A sombitchin' cracker.
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You know, it just melt in your
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Mouth.
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>> dan halen: ...And their
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Pressing pickle concerns.
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>> we'll go get those footings.
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>> dan halen: okay, then.
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>> early: what else y'all hear
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About me?
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>> baba booey, baba booey,
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Baba booey.
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>> hearken to my words, devils!
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>> granny: yes, you devils!
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>> we want no part of your
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Sinful and godless mathematics!
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>> granny: out, out!
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>> come out, unholy lasers!
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Come out!
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>> granny: wait a minute.
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Holes and lasers?
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Oh, I've been saving six years
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For that treatment.
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>> uh, no, sister.
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>> granny: yoo-hoo! Fire it up!
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>> please!
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>> granny: we're gonna hem these
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Curtains up and let some light
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Back into the pelvic parlor,
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Boys.
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>> early: hey, you think you can
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Kick my ass with your mouth?
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Do you, huh?
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Let's go!
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Oh, you writing something now?
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You trying to formulate on how
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You gonna kick my ass?
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>> rusty: hey, man, you got them
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Georgia tech nerds shaking,
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Daddy.
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>> early: come on!
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Come and get me!
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I ain't a-going nowhere.
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>> rusty: you better watch out!
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He's an unknown quantity.
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>> early: my mass times my
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Velocity equals your ass hitting
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The floor!
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>> rusty: whoo, boy, you got
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Them nerds on the run now!
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They're gonna be pooping in
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Their pants!
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>> early: I'm gonna come down
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There and kick your ass!
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>> denied.
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>> early: aw, damn it!
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What time you get off?!
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Oh, hey, sheriff.
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>> sheriff: now, just so y'all
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Know, mr. Halen says I got to
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Impose brutal martial law on
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Y'all if you step out of line.
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But life's so short, and if you
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Boys feel like you need to open
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A can on that stranger over
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There, well, just follow your
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Bliss.
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>> rusty: hey, now, if we all
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Gonna die anyway when this thing
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Turns on, how come we ain't
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Smashing stuff up more?
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>> sheriff: hmm.
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That makes sense.
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>> rusty: all right!
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I say we raise some real hell!
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>> it's the wrath of god working
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Through me!
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>> dan halen: stop it! Animals!
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They know they've got nothing to
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Lose.
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Fire up your whore swallower
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Now!
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>> yeah. You know what?
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I really wish you wouldn't call
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It that.
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>> dan halen: fine!
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How does "Coke-hogging slut
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Drain" grab you?
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You think this is the only
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Illegal thing I have to do
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Today?!
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Fire the weapon!
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[ alarm blaring ]
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Come on.
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Work, damn you.
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[ blaring intensifies ]
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Yes!
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[ groaning ]
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Damn it. Come on.
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Halen here.
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[ groans ]
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[ black hole hissing ]
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All right.
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Shut it down and dismantle it.
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>> that's not how it works,
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Okay?
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You can't just shut it down.
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>> dan halen: oh, that's right!
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Leave it on. Leave it on.
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They have bingo, bridge.
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You can be with people your own
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Age who relate to your
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Interminable stories.
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>> it's dark in there.
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>> dan halen: your eyes will
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Adjust!
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Seal it forever!
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[ thunder crashes ]
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>> lord!
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>> dan halen: nice talking to
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You.
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I have a thing at noon.
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>> men of science, you have torn
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Asunder the great, good works of
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The creator!
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>> lord, secretly, I've always
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Believed --
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[ thunder crashes ]
287
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,016
>> that is a load, my friend!
288
00:07:20,018 --> 00:07:21,010
>> oh! God!
289
00:07:21,012 --> 00:07:23,010
Take me with you to heaven!
290
00:07:23,012 --> 00:07:24,018
>> no, no, no, no, no, no!
291
00:07:24,020 --> 00:07:27,013
I am not your god.
292
00:07:27,015 --> 00:07:29,014
H-he's my stepbrother.
293
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,016
>> the lord god has no...
294
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:34,008
Father, uh, who was divorced!
295
00:07:34,010 --> 00:07:35,009
>> twice, bro.
296
00:07:35,011 --> 00:07:36,009
>> [ voice breaking ] No!
297
00:07:36,011 --> 00:07:38,010
>> that didn't make "The book."
298
00:07:38,012 --> 00:07:39,015
>> granny: don't talk trash
299
00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:40,010
About him now.
300
00:07:40,012 --> 00:07:41,014
>> oh, come on!
301
00:07:41,016 --> 00:07:42,019
You think he's powerful?
302
00:07:42,021 --> 00:07:43,021
Check this out.
303
00:07:43,023 --> 00:07:45,007
[ thunder crashes ]
304
00:07:45,009 --> 00:07:46,011
Blam! [ laughs ]
305
00:07:46,013 --> 00:07:47,015
Alternate universe.
306
00:07:47,017 --> 00:07:49,011
Six days plus a day of rest.
307
00:07:49,013 --> 00:07:50,010
One day here.
308
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:50,022
What up?
309
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,012
Do the math, chinese people.
310
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,015
>> early: what the hell you
311
00:07:53,017 --> 00:07:54,008
Looking at?!
312
00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:55,002
>> hell, I don't know!
313
00:07:55,004 --> 00:07:56,005
I ain't quite figured it out.
314
00:07:56,007 --> 00:07:57,007
>> early: all right, well, who
315
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:57,020
In the hell does?
316
00:07:57,022 --> 00:07:58,020
>> you sure got you a hell of a
317
00:07:58,022 --> 00:07:59,014
Lot of questions, there,
318
00:07:59,016 --> 00:08:00,015
Chinaman.
319
00:08:00,017 --> 00:08:01,015
>> you calling me a fool now?!
320
00:08:01,017 --> 00:08:02,012
>> hell yeah!
321
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:03,010
>> early: maybe you out to come
322
00:08:03,012 --> 00:08:04,010
Down here and explain it to me!
323
00:08:04,012 --> 00:08:05,005
>> wait.
324
00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:06,012
How can two early cuylers exist
325
00:08:06,014 --> 00:08:07,012
In the same space-time
326
00:08:07,014 --> 00:08:08,014
Continuum?
327
00:08:08,016 --> 00:08:10,006
>> early: it's a damn conundrum!
328
00:08:10,008 --> 00:08:11,009
Hey, you drink party liquor?
329
00:08:11,011 --> 00:08:12,019
>> well, hell yeah I do!
330
00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:13,017
Drink hell out of it.
331
00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:14,012
>> oh!
332
00:08:14,014 --> 00:08:15,011
>> [ screams ]
333
00:08:15,013 --> 00:08:16,011
>> finger slip.
334
00:08:16,013 --> 00:08:17,020
>> early: my soul mate!
335
00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:19,010
>> sucks for you, man.
336
00:08:19,012 --> 00:08:20,022
>> early: he was the only one
337
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,011
Who truly understood me.
338
00:08:22,013 --> 00:08:23,004
[ sobs ]
339
00:08:23,006 --> 00:08:24,007
Kid rock, too.
340
00:08:24,009 --> 00:08:26,008
That damn midget wouldn't let me
341
00:08:26,010 --> 00:08:27,001
Near him!
342
00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:28,012
>> so, your only sit-down
343
00:08:28,014 --> 00:08:30,011
Restaurant is also your gas
344
00:08:30,013 --> 00:08:31,007
Station?
345
00:08:31,009 --> 00:08:32,013
[ laughs ] What a (beep)hole!
346
00:08:32,015 --> 00:08:34,014
Come on, let's stack mountains
347
00:08:34,016 --> 00:08:36,004
On each other or something fun.
348
00:08:36,006 --> 00:08:37,011
Let's turn cows inside out!
349
00:08:37,013 --> 00:08:38,016
[ thunder crashes ]
350
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:41,022
[ laughs ]
351
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,018
How do you live here?!
352
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:46,012
There is nothing to do! Nothing!
353
00:08:46,014 --> 00:08:48,017
>> brother, perhaps you were
354
00:08:48,019 --> 00:08:53,023
Brought unto us for a reason.
355
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:55,006
>> yeah, I doubt this was
356
00:08:55,008 --> 00:08:55,023
The reason.
357
00:08:56,001 --> 00:08:57,012
>> what a thrill to see the
358
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:58,017
Entire filmed works of
359
00:08:58,019 --> 00:09:01,023
Kirk cameron back to back, quite
360
00:09:02,001 --> 00:09:03,018
Literally in the right hand of
361
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,013
God's...
362
00:09:04,015 --> 00:09:05,012
>> stepbro.
363
00:09:05,014 --> 00:09:08,000
>> stepbrother/sibling almighty.
364
00:09:08,002 --> 00:09:09,012
>> I got to set you down, bro.
365
00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:09,023
My wrist.
366
00:09:10,001 --> 00:09:10,011
[ groans ]
367
00:09:10,013 --> 00:09:12,000
>> ready for another one, gang?
368
00:09:12,002 --> 00:09:12,019
>> you know what?
369
00:09:12,021 --> 00:09:13,018
[ thunder crashes ]
370
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,013
Ka-kow!
371
00:09:14,015 --> 00:09:15,016
>> w-what's going on here?
372
00:09:15,018 --> 00:09:16,014
>> kirk! All right!
373
00:09:16,016 --> 00:09:17,016
>> rusty: hi, mr. Cameron.
374
00:09:17,018 --> 00:09:18,017
My name's rusty.
375
00:09:18,019 --> 00:09:20,002
>> rusty: did you know that the
376
00:09:20,004 --> 00:09:21,008
Banana is the perfect --
377
00:09:21,010 --> 00:09:22,013
>> rusty: [ screams ]
378
00:09:22,015 --> 00:09:23,013
>> whoops! [ laughs ]
379
00:09:23,015 --> 00:09:24,000
What?!
380
00:09:24,002 --> 00:09:25,013
I'm working in mysterious ways
381
00:09:25,015 --> 00:09:26,000
Here!
382
00:09:26,002 --> 00:09:27,007
>> rusty: oh, no!
383
00:09:27,009 --> 00:09:28,012
>> [ laughing ]
384
00:09:28,014 --> 00:09:30,012
>> rusty: oh, mike seaver!
385
00:09:30,014 --> 00:09:32,007
>> lil: oh, wah, wah, wah!
386
00:09:32,009 --> 00:09:34,000
They were crappy movies.
387
00:09:34,002 --> 00:09:35,013
>> I heard that.
388
00:09:35,015 --> 00:09:36,015
Forget this.
389
00:09:36,017 --> 00:09:38,014
Anyone cool, come with me.
390
00:09:38,016 --> 00:09:39,015
Whoa, whoa.
391
00:09:39,017 --> 00:09:41,013
Purple, where are you going?
392
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,016
>> granny: but I'm really cool.
393
00:09:43,018 --> 00:09:45,003
[ door closes ]
394
00:09:45,005 --> 00:09:46,009
Oh!
395
00:09:46,011 --> 00:09:47,014
>> rusty: well, now, why don't
396
00:09:47,016 --> 00:09:48,015
You try using your powers to
397
00:09:48,017 --> 00:09:49,020
Create your own universe?
398
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,003
You know, get a fresh start and
399
00:09:51,005 --> 00:09:51,014
Everything.
400
00:09:51,016 --> 00:09:52,015
>> gay!
401
00:09:52,017 --> 00:09:53,010
>> rusty: all right.
402
00:09:53,012 --> 00:09:54,013
Can I have a minibike?
403
00:09:54,015 --> 00:09:56,012
>> uh...How about a slightly
404
00:09:56,014 --> 00:09:58,009
Used trooper cruiser?
405
00:09:58,011 --> 00:10:00,016
Back me up here, now, all right?
406
00:10:00,018 --> 00:10:01,015
[ alarm blaring ]
407
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,015
Just keep looking that way.
408
00:10:02,017 --> 00:10:04,013
No, no, no, no. Straight ahead.
409
00:10:04,015 --> 00:10:05,023
And, uh, okay...
410
00:10:06,001 --> 00:10:07,015
Oh. There we go.
411
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:09,008
Magic. Look out.
412
00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:10,011
>> rusty: I ain't even got my
413
00:10:10,013 --> 00:10:11,005
Learner's permit yet.
414
00:10:11,007 --> 00:10:12,006
>> I'll just make it legal.
415
00:10:12,008 --> 00:10:13,009
>> sheriff: boy, to do that,
416
00:10:13,011 --> 00:10:14,014
You'd probably have to go down
417
00:10:14,016 --> 00:10:16,008
To the courthouse.
418
00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:17,015
>> all right. It's legal.
419
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,008
>> rusty: whoo! I'm a policeman!
420
00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:19,019
Whoo-hoo!
421
00:10:19,021 --> 00:10:21,015
You're a just and righteous god.
422
00:10:21,017 --> 00:10:22,009
[ static ]
423
00:10:24,015 --> 00:10:26,001
[ siren wailing ]
424
00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:27,019
>> suck-up.
425
00:10:27,021 --> 00:10:29,004
You love god, lil?
426
00:10:29,006 --> 00:10:29,021
>> lil: eh.
427
00:10:29,023 --> 00:10:31,021
I suppose I'd love him more if I
428
00:10:31,023 --> 00:10:33,014
Got sick or something.
429
00:10:33,016 --> 00:10:34,006
[ coughs ]
430
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,023
>> what the hell does he have
431
00:10:36,001 --> 00:10:37,000
That I don't?!
432
00:10:37,002 --> 00:10:38,017
>> not a thing, sailor.
433
00:10:38,019 --> 00:10:40,017
You're a bad boy, and I like it!
434
00:10:40,019 --> 00:10:42,004
>> yeah, uh, I'm getting a
435
00:10:42,006 --> 00:10:43,021
Little old to play that card.
436
00:10:43,023 --> 00:10:45,014
When my bro was building this
437
00:10:45,016 --> 00:10:47,016
Whole universe thing, I'd call
438
00:10:47,018 --> 00:10:49,015
Him a nerd, try to make him mess
439
00:10:49,017 --> 00:10:51,012
Up by revving my harley real
440
00:10:51,014 --> 00:10:52,012
Loud.
441
00:10:52,014 --> 00:10:55,017
It was funny. It was tits.
442
00:10:55,019 --> 00:10:57,016
Look at him now.
443
00:10:57,018 --> 00:10:59,007
Look at me.
444
00:10:59,009 --> 00:11:00,019
>> lil: you own a harley?
445
00:11:00,021 --> 00:11:01,016
>> yeah.
446
00:11:01,018 --> 00:11:02,018
>> lil: damn, where is it?
447
00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:04,000
[ engine revs ]
448
00:11:04,002 --> 00:11:05,012
[ both laughing ]
449
00:11:05,014 --> 00:11:07,000
Yeah! Whoa, whoa!
450
00:11:07,002 --> 00:11:08,007
>> yeah!
451
00:11:08,009 --> 00:11:11,020
[ both laughing ]
452
00:11:11,022 --> 00:11:14,014
[ sobbing ]
453
00:11:14,016 --> 00:11:16,010
>> lil: what the hell's the
454
00:11:16,012 --> 00:11:17,015
Matter with you?
455
00:11:17,017 --> 00:11:19,019
>> why don't you love me, dad?!
456
00:11:20,019 --> 00:11:23,007
[ country music plays ]
28183
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