Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ somehow I got spinal

Meningitis ♪

♪ injecting all that hairspray

In my spine ♪

♪ it's a super cheap way

To party ♪

♪ if you aim to kill some

Brain cells and some time ♪

Good luck getting that

Child support check from me now.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> the mysteries of the

Universe -- soon, they shall be

Mysteries no longer.

Behold the colossal subterranean

Particle accelerator.

This marvel of technology is...

>> dan halen: good god.

I have no time for your puffery.

Does it make a black hole or

Not?

>> well, basically, it smashes

Protons into each other.

>> dan halen: yes, yes, I got

That, and that's leading to a

Giant...What?

>> a giant...Understanding of

Subatomic particles.

>> dan halen: yes, but after

That, ultimately, in the end,

Opening a giant...

>> uh, window to the

Understanding of --

>> dan halen: just say it!

>> a hole, okay?

Fine, I said it. A hole.

>> dan halen: all right.

Allow me to pose a hypothesis.

Say that hypothetically, I

Accidentally slayed a prostitute

During an eight ball-fueled

Weekend of debauchery.

[ laughs ]

I know it sounds silly, but just

Stick with me.

Would this rift in space-time be

A good place to dispose of such

A hypothetical and now entirely

Lifeless body?

>> well, yeah, but it would also

Shear everything in existence

Down to subatomic --

>> dan halen: then you have my

Interest.

I trust you will keep georgia on

Your mind.

[ laughing evilly ]

>> so that's your offer for this

Massive works project -- a

Bushel of peaches?

>> dan halen: why?

What is dothan offering you?

>> nine farm-fresh eggs.

>> dan halen: a moron's dozen.

Leave it to dothan.

Then it's settled.

Peaches trump eggs!

You, frame out the harlot!

And smile.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

>> uh, based on what I'm seeing

Here, I think this is gonna be a

Tough sell.

>> dan halen: no, no, no.

I've tailored your video to

Appeal more to the local

Populace as they drag their jaws

Through the street like common

Simians.

Roll it!

>> y'all like you some science?

Then y'all gonna love this

(boom). Folks call me dr. Horny.

You know what that means.

I love poontang.

>> hey!

>> but enough about your mom.

I'm here to tell you about

Something y'all need in your

Town.

This here thing's called

Dougal county speedway.

It's just one big-ass racetrack

For teensy little stock cars.

[ boing! ]

It's cool as hell.

Whoo, show us your tits.

Let us build one of these in

Your municipality, and I ain't

Saying your pecker will grow an

Inch, but I ain't not saying it

Ain't, either.

>> sheriff: hell, you don't need

Science for that.

Happens to me all the time in

The bathtub.

>> rusty: ain't that one of them

Things that makes a black hole

That swallows up space and time?

You know, uh, not even light can

Escape and all.

>> early: don't rush to

Judgment, boy.

In matters of science, you must

Turn to religion.

>> [ groans ]

I don't understand it.

So it's an abomination!

[ indistinct shouting ]

>> oh, boy. Here we go.

>> dan halen: please, let us

Rise above ignorance.

Let us embrace modern science

And let this man build the

Earth-swallowing black hole!

>> uh, I don't think they're

Buying it.

>> dan halen: fine, fine, fine!

I hereby declare a period for

Public comment.

>> granny: ooh, I want to make a

Public comment.

>> early: hold on, woman.

>> sheriff: be civil, now.

>> early: it's my turn to

Public comment!

Uh, let's see.

Today, I ate me some of them

Dill pickles I got.

>> dan halen: go now!

Build your whore-swallowing

Machine quickly!

>> actually, you know what?

I'm having some ethical

Concerns.

You know, if this thing works,

It could bring the end --

>> dan halen: oh, no, no.

I understand.

We wouldn't want to lose any or

All of these valuable members of

Society...

>> early: you can spread them on

A sombitchin' cracker.

You know, it just melt in your

Mouth.

>> dan halen: ...And their

Pressing pickle concerns.

>> we'll go get those footings.

>> dan halen: okay, then.

>> early: what else y'all hear

About me?

>> baba booey, baba booey,

Baba booey.

>> hearken to my words, devils!

>> granny: yes, you devils!

>> we want no part of your

Sinful and godless mathematics!

>> granny: out, out!

>> come out, unholy lasers!

Come out!

>> granny: wait a minute.

Holes and lasers?

Oh, I've been saving six years

For that treatment.

>> uh, no, sister.

>> granny: yoo-hoo! Fire it up!

>> please!

>> granny: we're gonna hem these

Curtains up and let some light

Back into the pelvic parlor,

Boys.

>> early: hey, you think you can

Kick my ass with your mouth?

Do you, huh?

Let's go!

Oh, you writing something now?

You trying to formulate on how

You gonna kick my ass?

>> rusty: hey, man, you got them

Georgia tech nerds shaking,

Daddy.

>> early: come on!

Come and get me!

I ain't a-going nowhere.

>> rusty: you better watch out!

He's an unknown quantity.

>> early: my mass times my

Velocity equals your ass hitting

The floor!

>> rusty: whoo, boy, you got

Them nerds on the run now!

They're gonna be pooping in

Their pants!

>> early: I'm gonna come down

There and kick your ass!

>> denied.

>> early: aw, damn it!

What time you get off?!

Oh, hey, sheriff.

>> sheriff: now, just so y'all

Know, mr. Halen says I got to

Impose brutal martial law on

Y'all if you step out of line.

But life's so short, and if you

Boys feel like you need to open

A can on that stranger over

There, well, just follow your

Bliss.

>> rusty: hey, now, if we all

Gonna die anyway when this thing

Turns on, how come we ain't

Smashing stuff up more?

>> sheriff: hmm.

That makes sense.

>> rusty: all right!

I say we raise some real hell!

>> it's the wrath of god working

Through me!

>> dan halen: stop it! Animals!

They know they've got nothing to

Lose.

Fire up your whore swallower

Now!

>> yeah. You know what?

I really wish you wouldn't call

It that.

>> dan halen: fine!

How does "Coke-hogging slut

Drain" grab you?

You think this is the only

Illegal thing I have to do

Today?!

Fire the weapon!

[ alarm blaring ]

Come on.

Work, damn you.

[ blaring intensifies ]

Yes!

[ groaning ]

Damn it. Come on.

Halen here.

[ groans ]

[ black hole hissing ]

All right.

Shut it down and dismantle it.

>> that's not how it works,

Okay?

You can't just shut it down.

>> dan halen: oh, that's right!

Leave it on. Leave it on.

They have bingo, bridge.

You can be with people your own

Age who relate to your

Interminable stories.

>> it's dark in there.

>> dan halen: your eyes will

Adjust!

Seal it forever!

[ thunder crashes ]

>> lord!

>> dan halen: nice talking to

You.

I have a thing at noon.

>> men of science, you have torn

Asunder the great, good works of

The creator!

>> lord, secretly, I've always

Believed --

[ thunder crashes ]

>> that is a load, my friend!

>> oh! God!

Take me with you to heaven!

>> no, no, no, no, no, no!

I am not your god.

H-he's my stepbrother.

>> the lord god has no...

Father, uh, who was divorced!

>> twice, bro.

>> [ voice breaking ] No!

>> that didn't make "The book."

>> granny: don't talk trash

About him now.

>> oh, come on!

You think he's powerful?

Check this out.

[ thunder crashes ]

Blam! [ laughs ]

Alternate universe.

Six days plus a day of rest.

One day here.

What up?

Do the math, chinese people.

>> early: what the hell you

Looking at?!

>> hell, I don't know!

I ain't quite figured it out.

>> early: all right, well, who

In the hell does?

>> you sure got you a hell of a

Lot of questions, there,

Chinaman.

>> you calling me a fool now?!

>> hell yeah!

>> early: maybe you out to come

Down here and explain it to me!

>> wait.

How can two early cuylers exist

In the same space-time

Continuum?

>> early: it's a damn conundrum!

Hey, you drink party liquor?

>> well, hell yeah I do!

Drink hell out of it.

>> oh!

>> [ screams ]

>> finger slip.

>> early: my soul mate!

>> sucks for you, man.

>> early: he was the only one

Who truly understood me.

[ sobs ]

Kid rock, too.

That damn midget wouldn't let me

Near him!

>> so, your only sit-down

Restaurant is also your gas

Station?

[ laughs ] What a (beep)hole!

Come on, let's stack mountains

On each other or something fun.

Let's turn cows inside out!

[ thunder crashes ]

[ laughs ]

How do you live here?!

There is nothing to do! Nothing!

>> brother, perhaps you were

Brought unto us for a reason.

>> yeah, I doubt this was

The reason.

>> what a thrill to see the

Entire filmed works of

Kirk cameron back to back, quite

Literally in the right hand of

God's...

>> stepbro.

>> stepbrother/sibling almighty.

>> I got to set you down, bro.

My wrist.

[ groans ]

>> ready for another one, gang?

>> you know what?

[ thunder crashes ]

Ka-kow!

>> w-what's going on here?

>> kirk! All right!

>> rusty: hi, mr. Cameron.

My name's rusty.

>> rusty: did you know that the

Banana is the perfect --

>> rusty: [ screams ]

>> whoops! [ laughs ]

What?!

I'm working in mysterious ways

Here!

>> rusty: oh, no!

>> [ laughing ]

>> rusty: oh, mike seaver!

>> lil: oh, wah, wah, wah!

They were crappy movies.

>> I heard that.

Forget this.

Anyone cool, come with me.

Whoa, whoa.

Purple, where are you going?

>> granny: but I'm really cool.

[ door closes ]

Oh!

>> rusty: well, now, why don't

You try using your powers to

Create your own universe?

You know, get a fresh start and

Everything.

>> gay!

>> rusty: all right.

Can I have a minibike?

>> uh...How about a slightly

Used trooper cruiser?

Back me up here, now, all right?

[ alarm blaring ]

Just keep looking that way.

No, no, no, no. Straight ahead.

And, uh, okay...

Oh. There we go.

Magic. Look out.

>> rusty: I ain't even got my

Learner's permit yet.

>> I'll just make it legal.

>> sheriff: boy, to do that,

You'd probably have to go down

To the courthouse.

>> all right. It's legal.

>> rusty: whoo! I'm a policeman!

Whoo-hoo!

You're a just and righteous god.

[ static ]

[ siren wailing ]

>> suck-up.

You love god, lil?

>> lil: eh.

I suppose I'd love him more if I

Got sick or something.

[ coughs ]

>> what the hell does he have

That I don't?!

>> not a thing, sailor.

You're a bad boy, and I like it!

>> yeah, uh, I'm getting a

Little old to play that card.

When my bro was building this

Whole universe thing, I'd call

Him a nerd, try to make him mess

Up by revving my harley real

Loud.

It was funny. It was tits.

Look at him now.

Look at me.

>> lil: you own a harley?

>> yeah.

>> lil: damn, where is it?

[ engine revs ]

[ both laughing ]

Yeah! Whoa, whoa!

>> yeah!

[ both laughing ]

[ sobbing ]

>> lil: what the hell's the

Matter with you?

>> why don't you love me, dad?!

[ country music plays ]