Original subtitles

[ radio static ]

♪ [ techno music ] ♪

♪ my dreams are all

Dead and buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun

Would just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me

To his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you

Sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ [ yodeling ] ♪

>> rusty: my turn!

>> early: hell no.

>> man, lemme drive that thing!

>> do not touch the trim!

>> well, it was good while it

Lasted, I guess.

>> but sheriff!

The gloryhole is the pride

And joy of dougal county!

>> fella found an even older

Glory hole two towns over.

Lord knows I ain't looking

Forward to telling the tourism

Board about this.

>> such an elegant concept.

A simple, lowly hole to

Commemorate his glory.

>> well, his name could've

Come up once or twice there.

Well, looky here.

>> they're gonna throw a super

Gay throwdown here in town.

>> super gay throwdown...

What's the meaning of this?

>> did somebody say they's

About to throw down?

Dammit, did they throw down

Already?

Tell me they ain't already

Throwed down!

>> yeah, its not that kind of

Throwdown, early.

We're talkin' about some real

Sick stuff here.

Man-on-man hairy baby bdsm.

Bottoms acting like tops.

Tops acting like bottoms.

Its just the whole world gone

Topsy-turvy.

>> we must act now to turn back

The tide of homosexuality!

>> now now, reverend,

They got their constitutional

Right to get their freak on.

Kinda like your hate march

Every may, you know?

>> oh, well a, maybe we can do

The hate march now, heh,

And run 'em out?

>> oh, that's a traditional

Springtime festivity, reverend.

All them bloody mannequins

Against the yellow poplars?

Mmmwah.

>> well, something has to be

Done.

We can't stand by and let

People do things we don't

Approve of.

>> hell, let 'em go on back to

France where they was born.

>> oh now believe me men,

I'm as sick about this

As y'all are.

It's gonna take everything

I got just to keep my vomit down

While I work out this overflow

Parking situation.

>> they can drive cars now?

Oh hell!

They'll spread like a virus!

I voted no on prop 14!

>> yeah well, that had nothing

To do with gay people getting

Drivers licenses.

>> well, what's the one about

Sterilizing gay people so they

Don't have no more gay people?

>> well, that was the one that

Doesn't exist, early.

Don't give me trouble, now,

And I'll look the other way on

That meth lab you're running.

>> what?

Meth?

That's "Professor cuyler's

Liquid miracle wake-up

Clarificational get thin

And steal stereo equipment

Stay up for four days and lose

Your teeth juice-tonic."

That there is a registered

Trademark, so don't get

No damn funny idears.

Now this here protectifyin'

Layer is gonna protect us

In case any of them sodomalizers

Break in here and try to have

A sax on us.

You know, try to change us into

One of them.

>> I, I always thought they was

Born that way..

>> no, no.

It's a choice.

It's a gene. They all got it.

They willingly choose to be

Disgustiner than hell.

>> so you think there's

A realistic possibility

Of some man on man in here?

>> hell yes.

Cause I don't know if them

Barriers is gonna hold.

Them ol' boys work out

All the time.

[ footsteps approach ]

It's a gay! On the porch!

Ssh. Hide.

>> hey y'all.

>> damn barricades!

We been breached!

>> well that's funny.

I was just coming up here

To barricade you guys in.

I'd hate to see you get,

You know, mixed up in any ugly

Hate crimes downtown.

>> what the hell, sheriff?

Daddy says you ain't doing

Nothing to stop this gay

Throwdown.

>> rusty, you really think

A rock-solid man's man like me

Would let the gays take over?

[ laughs ]

Son, this is a sting operation,

Plain and simple.

I'm gonna smoke 'em out

And lock 'em up.

>> oohh, in some kind of

Bondage scenario that maybe

I could link to on a webcam?

>> well why you so concerned,

If you don't mind me asking,

Granny?

You wouldn't be homo-positive

Yourself, now would you?

>> no.

>> damn, granny's a gayfer!

>> I ain't gay!

>> all these years usin'

Granpappy as a beard.

Shame on you and your

Disgustedness!

>> I had babies!

>> what were you listening to

When you conceived them babies,

The indigo girls?

[ laughter ]

>> up here!

You know you all right,

Sheriff!

A straight shooter!

You hate what you fear

And you fear what you don't

Understand.

Hell, the way it oughta be!

>> that's right.

I'm gonna get them gays

In my hands and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna work em over.

Mmmmm-hmmm.

Lock 'em up.

>> well jail is the place

For 'em.

Yes sir.

Gays...

In the prison...

>> uh, would it be alright

If we didn't have that date

Tonight, c-man?

I'm a little headachy from that

Wine what we brewed in

The toilet.

>> ooh, looks...

Looks like you dropped your soap

Way over here, c-man.

Lemme just, uh, get that for ya.

No, wait a minute!

>> it's c-man's ass,

That's who...

>> hey daddy! Daddy!

>> [ screams ]

I just want one damn shower

Without the touchy touch!

[ nervous laughter ]

I was just kidding.

>> ow! Damn!

Why'd you do that daddy?

>> cause I'm a man!!

>> yeah, well early, this sting

Operation could get hairy.

Really hairy.

That's why I got the brazilian

Here, you know.

Come on, lil!

Let's go.

>> hang on!

I gotta put some base makeup

On my g-warts!

>> gotta ask ya, sheriff,

What you want with that bitch?

>> yeah, you ain't gotta buy

The cow, milk's free back there.

>> what?

Rusty, I've always fancied

Your aunt, but--

>> granny! Wheres my rubbers at?

>> just quite never the right

Time for me to take her

Courtin', you know?

>> courtin'?

>> come on, lil!

We've got to go!

It's already started!

>> can't we just knock this out

Here?

>> here, put 'em on in the car.

Let's go.

♪ [ techno music plays ] ♪

>> let the lord be your top.

Let him fill your heart with

The gayness that is his love.

There's nothing queer about

Loving jesus.

>> you know how this works.

You keep the beer

And the smokes coming.

We'll go out to your car around

Nine, do what we do,

And you get me home in time

For

>> hmm. Nobody's here yet.

Eh, its early, though.

Hope the word got out.

>> look at that virgin.

>> yeah...

What a freak.

>> hey! Momma's boy!

[ laughing ]

>> I'll bet he's their ring

Leader.

The main...Gay.

I better keep a pretty close

Eye on him.

>> hey! Where you goin'?

>> officer in pursuit.

>> don't you stick me

With this tab!

>> welcome to our town,

Stranger.

[ moaning ]

>> sheriff, what are you doing?

>> sshh!

Don't blow my cover.

If this sting's going to work...

[ moans ]

I need to walk this

Disgusting walk of theirs.

>> he's undercover rusty.

It's ok to watch.

[ moaning ]

>> yeah.

>> oh, he's got 'em

Fooled alright.

>> okay, uh...

I think they mustaches are

Uh...Tangled.

>> you're under arrest!

>> there we go!

>> for entrapment...

>> take him down!

>> of my heart.

>> what?!

>> you have the right to remain

Handsome.

Any thing you say can and will

Be used in a greeting card on

The date of our anniversary.

>> no. Nooo!

Reverend get in here and get

That gay demon out of him before

He yanks him down to the depths

Of the deepest hell!

>> oh, queer demon of gayness.

Show thineself!

>> yeah, come on out, you

Sulfate-free cabernet-drinkin'

Doily weaver!

>> I command you to leave this

Upstanding officer of the law,

Thus allowing him to lead

The life of a normal,

Missionary-position assuming,

God-fearing, non-sinning,

Heterosexual breeder.

Come out!

Come out!!

>> reverend, this is 2009.

Give it a rest.

>> please girl, you think I

Like living in this guy?

I mean the way he keeps me

Packed down inside?

It's a trauma.

It takes five beers before

The man'll even think about

Acknowledging me.

>> there he is, maude.

>> todd, what's going on?

One day you say you're going

To the fourth ring of hell

To play kickball

With john wilkes booth's soul

And that's the last

We hear from you.

>> mom, dad...

I'm, um...

I'm gay!!

>> uh, yeah son, we know.

>> honey.

The rainbow flag stickers on

Your miata, the tight t-shirts,

The carbo-loading,

The deep dish cds.

Your boyfriend that lives at

The house who sleeps in the

Same twin bed with you.

>> whoa, hey.

I'm just a foreign exchange

Student from germany.

>> oh, jesus.

>> alright, fine.

Todd and I are lovers.

>> in the name of jesus

I command you to leave this man

And return to the fiery depths

Of san francisco!

>> okay, fine.

>> that's okay, champ.

Your old man was gay

When he was your age, too.

>> you were?

>> you bet.

But thanks to electro shock

Therapy, I'm as straight

As the erection I currently have

For your mother.

Now come on gang.

Let's all go home to hell

And have group sex to show

How much we love each other.

>> well, my work here is done.

>> whoo!

Sheriff you ain't gay no more!

Back in line with christ.

>> I don't know what all that

Was about, rusty, but...

Uh, with-what I do know is

That...Uh..Uh..

>> roger.

>> roger and I are gonna move

To stamford, connecticut.

>> oh, god they're yankees now!

>> no, it-it's just that

It's legal for people like us

To drive cars there.

>> you okay, daddy?

>> yes, rusty.

I'm at a good place on this

Whole situation.

While I may not understand

Or approve of or accept

The disgusting lifestyle choice

The sheriff has made,

He's moved away now.

Far away from me.

And I've gotten to where

I don't even think about it.

>> how 'bout this one now?

>> are you outta your mind?

Next row.

Get that gimpy feller.

>> what? This one?

>> yeah, I can handle him.

Just gotta do a little vettin'

Here.

>> let's see, here...

Sexual preference?

>> I like women.

>> cut him down, son!

>> whoo!

Dougal county got a brand-new

Sheriff!

Captions provided

By turner studios.