Original subtitles

[ radio static ]

♪ my dreams are all

Dead and buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun

Would just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me

To his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you

Sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ [ yodeling ] ♪

>> rusty: my turn!

>> early: hell no.

>> man, lemme drive that thing!

>> do not touch the trim!

>> breaker, breaker horn-dog.

Anybody got their ears on?

Yoo-hoo!

Don't be shy, boys.

I'm freakier than a lot lizard

And I like to show my boobs,

Over.

>> who's that breaker out there?

>> this is loose lucy

Lookin' for a rag chew

With a sexy trucker man.

>> that's 10-4 lucy,

This is papa dog,

'bout to pick me up a holy

Assload of pine cones, over.

>> how 'bout you drop off

A load while you're here.

Run a little convoy down

Below the beltway?

All access roads are wide open

And the scales are off honey.

>> 10-4, 10-4 lucy please.

I get that ya want the sex.

What say I make a dirty detour

And we hit you up on the flip

Flop 'hind the amber alert sign

South of 4-4-1, you copy me?

>> that's a 10-4

On that one fat buddy!

Get on down here and stop

Waitin!

>> you bet I got beaver fever

Bringin you a wire bender

And some of them heavy duty

Shop towels.

I 'spect we'll be-- uh oh!

>> papa dog?

>> who put a goddamn--

>> papa dog?

>> shoulda strapped down

The load--

>> steer into that skid?

>> ah!

[ loud crash ]

>> papa dog, no!

[ static ]

Aww.

I had that fish on the hook.

>> granny, I gotta say.

It's awkward seeing ya set up

Dates like this.

>> I'm gonna get laid

If it kills me.

>> you ever think about

Meeting someone at church or

Internet date or something?

>> ooh.

Like that site where they put

Them fire poppers up your

Buttholes?

Now that's a good one.

>> no, not that specific site.

>> but why?

That's how I met your

Great-grandpappy.

>> dammit, woman!

>> oh!

He loves him a good butthole!

>> I told you not never ever

Not no damn don't never

Verbulate that man's name in

This house again!

>> uh, I don't think she

Said his name.

>> some of us were a little

Too busy banging to exchange

Business cards.

>> and don't you go facebook

Him on the ibox neither.

Sheriff says you raised some

Damn hell down at the library.

>> yeah, you know I did.

You go strong or you don't go

At all.

>> and also, don't y'all

Never not never shoot at no gas

Cans in the house unless y'all

In a un ventimilated area.

>> close the windows.

>> I'm sorry daddy.

>> woo!

[ inhales deeply ]

Ohhhh.

>> yeah, there it goes.

>> come on, son.

Breathe in.

Come on boy.

That's it.

This is as close as you're ever

Going to get to a damn birthday

Party.

Mmm, happy birthday!

>> oooh!

This is just how your great

Grandpappy used to get off.

But back in those days

All we had was horse farts.

Oh those were happy,

Happy times!

We was all slaves back then,

Of course.

And I, well I was the happiest

Slave of the bunch!

We slaves used to have happy

Contests just to see how happy

We could be.

The prize was a kiss

From rhett butler!

>> oh mr. Butler!

Oh, you're so forward!

Put one of them hands on my ass

And the other one around under

My ear.

Now lick clockwise.

Oh mr. Butler!

I'm not used to this!

Yeah, he had a reputation

For sexin up the slaves,

And that made the slaves

Even happier.

>> wow, so rhett butler's

My granddaddy?

Well, no wonder I got that

Smooth-talkin' way with

The ladies like rico suave.

Right, granny?

>> oh he ain't your

Grandpappy.

I gave him a handy

By the cotton gin.

>> oh.

>> he must have been real

Impressed though.

Cause all he kept saying was

How he couldn't believe

He did that with me.

♪ oh, the peanut plants high

As a kick mule's eye ♪

♪ homemade pataters in

Hushpuppy pies! ♪

♪ give me them old time

♪ gold time,

I said the slaving days! ♪

Watch it now.

Coming out at ya.

Taking her back,

Taking her back.

Spread the sand,

Spread the sand.

Kick it back, kick it back.

>> so wait a minute now.

You, you telling me,

You was a slave, now?

>> uh-huh.

>> a happy slave?

>> I was the happiest slave.

Glory days.

You betcha.

>> now granted I've only

Been home schooled, but wasn't

There something in those days

Having to do with a --

Racialistic injustery?

>> a racialistic

Whatzacallz?

>> you know like when one race

Kinda gets the upper hand

On the other one, and kinda

Runs with it for a few years

And everything?

>> not that I can recall.

♪ [ scatting ] ♪

>> guess I was thinking

About canada, huh?

>> there ya go.

Canada.

>> there was a big black

Fella I recall.

>> woman, don't you dare

Reveal our family secrets!

>> hush, boy!

The story must be told!

I was havin' one of my rare

Off days in the slave fields.

>> oh, somedays I just feel like

Packing up and quitting

The slaving life for good.

>> mondays, right?

I said mondays right?

>> go easy, go easy now!

Ah! Damnit!

>> we all get the blahs.

Some days I can't even imagine

Having to crack this whip

Across your bleeding back and

Everything, it just seems like

Oh please don't make me go

Through that.

But come on lets buck up it's

Almost the weekend isn't it?

>> I don't know...

>> and then you'll pull

A double!

Pick the cotton faster!

>> then I saw him.

Dr. Julius erving!

>> my great grandpappy

Was a doctor?

>> dr. J, they called him.

>> but he ain't uh,

He wasn't no medical doctor

Or nothing?

>> you gonna pick apart

My whole story?

That man was a wizard

In the paint.

>> alright, I'll take it.

Hell yeah.

Dr. J is my grandpappy?

No wonder I got the skills

To pay the bills!

Now check out this dunk!

>> no, no I give him a

Handy jammer and he disappeared.

Something about playoffs

And needing to focus

And it's been fun.

>> hey, y'all seen them stickers

What look like bullet holes?

>> that doesn't have any

Real relevance in this --

>> yeah, I'm gonna get me

Some of them.

And I'm gonna stick the

Sumbitches on the back of my

Truck boat truck, you know?

Make it look like I got into

Some kinda badass gun battle

Or what have you.

Runnin from the law.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna go do that.

[ door opens, closes ]

>> your great great great

Grandaddy liked his decals

And banners.

Woo! He'd put em up on water

Fountains, and bathrooms,

And buses.

Oh, a world-class organizer,

That one was.

>> so that was my

Great-grandpappy?

>> I know.

That's what I was just

Talking about.

>> oh, I'll tell you about

Your great great granddaddy,

Rusty.

He was a fat, stupid, thieving,

Hairy-as-crap butt grabber

Who wrote rubber checks

To prostitutes.

[ coughs ]

>> and guess who got his eyes!

>> I miss my pee paw!

[ vehicle approaches ]

>> [ breathing heavily ]

Damn.

Them stickers was...

Too expensive!

There ya go.

Ain't cost no $4.95 neither!

They look almost real.

Anyway...

Go ahead continue your tale.

>> I'm finished.

>> wait, who's my great

Grandaddy?

>> oh, that.

Right.

It was a dark scary night.

I was out creepin'

In the graveyard

With my old corpsin' shovel.

Forgive me jesus,

For I have dug up enough pieces

To stitch together

A man monster!

Add a couple of extra

Little stitches in the butt.

Now that is a tight ass!

[ thunder crashes ]

Get over here big boy!

I've got to have babies with

You before your junk burns off!

Come on!

There ya go!

[ maniacal laughter ]

Woo!

>> and that was

My great grandpappy?

>> well, sounds like your

Grandpappy, to my memoration.

>> early: yep.

>> he was a smoker.

>> smoking from his head

And torso.

His feet. Beard.

>> just about anything that

Would flammatize.

>> eh, sumbitch was on fire,

I reckon.

Corpsy, sharp corpsy stank.

Pungent.

>> well did he ever like to

Do grandpappy things?

He ever bounce his kids on his

Knee or some crap?

>> I do recall him bouncing

A knee off my forehead.

'nother couple times he'd

Bounce it off my nethers.

Yep you could say he was a knee

Bouncin' fool.

>> so my great grandpappy

Was just a bunch of body parts

All sewn together like?

On fire?

>> who, that monster fella?

Oh, no no.

He's just a friend.

With benefits!

>> woo!

>> well then who was it?!?

Who was my grandpappy,

Old woman?!?

Tell me dammit!

>> use the knife, son.

>> like this?

>> that's right.

Right there in the soft meat.

>> now tell me dammit!

Do I?!?

Do I have a great grandpappy?!?

Come on!

>> it was a virgin birth!

From when jesus, he came down-

>> no, no, no, no, no!

You do not drag me into

This one.

>> fine.

Fine.

Your grandpappy was nitro

Of the american gladiators --

>> no, no no.

You gave me a hand job behind

The eliminator.

That was it, the dna proved it

And the jury agreed.

>> alright, fine derrick.

>> I told you it's nitro!

>> I don't know.

How 'bout general sherman?

Would you buy that?

>> general sherman?

>> what now?

>> yeah, let's go with that.

>> w-well that mean that

Uh...That mean we're yankees?

>> you saying we yankees?

>> well, yeah.

I guess, I guess we would be,

Wouldn't we?

>> so we did win the war?!

Whoo!

Hot damn!

We won the war!

>> take that south!

We won the damn war baby!

Captions provided

By turner studios