Original subtitles

[ radio static ]

♪ get your yankee arse

Off my property ♪

♪ don't care if the banker

Gave you a deed ♪

♪ this farm's been cuyler land

For generations ♪

♪ since we beat back

Them sneaky japanese ♪

♪ in the war of 1812 ♪

♪ bring our boys home ♪

>> rusty: my turn!

>> early: hell no.

>> man, lemme drive that thing!

>> do not touch the trim!

>> early:

>> I cut off my damn legs!

Woo!

>> and that's why you collect

Disability and they-they

Didn't draft you to command

Operation desert storm?

>> cause I wouldn't have

Stopped with the a-rabs.

Not with ol' europe just

Sittin' there with her fat ass

A hangin' out like a damn peach.

The end.

All right son, lights out.

>> wait daddy, tell me

The one about the copperhead.

>> ah yes...Oncet upon a time,

A copperhead bit my eye.

Total darkness!

The end.

>> that's a good story

>> alright son, lights out.

>> one-one more story daddy!

Please?

>> which one you want,

Tattoo or copperhead?

>> what if you actually read

Me one, daddy?

>> rea-- from a book?!

Don't you not never talk

No damn books under this roof!

Not now, not never ever!

No! Hell naw!

>> early, somebody in this

Family ought to be able to read.

We're leaving these meds

Up to chance.

I been swallowin' the blue ones

And shoving the big ones up

My butthole.

>> get that out of your ass!

You know I only do my

Whittlin' in the soft white

Light.

Listen here.

Readings don't never not done

Nothing for not nobody.

>> I think you mean

"Not nonebody."

>> excuse me.

Not nonebody, never, not no one.

Didn't about no reason

Not never.

And by god, they never not

Ain't gonna will!

Now if y'all will excuse me,

I'll be stepping out

To the jiggle hut to get me some

Wang dang sweet poontang!

>> oh, you're gonna get

A lotta play with that hat!

>> I seen the colors

And I had to steal it.

I'm audi.

You babysittin'!

Now, about that poontang!

[ engine revs, tires squeal ]

>> russell, do you want to

Help me pray so my diabetes

Don't take me while I slumber?

>> yeah sure, granny.

>> I really dodged a bullet

Last night.

>> in a minute, granny.

>> that ain't a book is it?

Are you trying to earn me

A beatdown?

Oh hell, I got enough problems.

>> oh come on granny,

It's just

>> soon you move on to

Regular

Then

Then the next thing you know,

It's after midnight and you're

Giggling under your covers

With

No, I will not sit here

And watch you destroy yourself.

>> where you going, granny?

>> I have a condition!

>> I ship out in the morning.

I'm sorry, but it's my duty.

>> what about your duty to me?

I love you!

>> don't say those words.

Don't ever say those words.

We'll polish off those krauts

And I'll be back in the fall.

We'll have our whole future

Ahead of us.

>> remember me!

>> stop glazing your knuckles

And get out here!

>> uh, h-hold on.

Don't open the door. Hold on!

>> I know it's perfectly natural

But you been in there too damn

Long, so you ain't

Doing it right.

>> I gotta go!

>> better not leave no egg

Fu young on the back of that--

>> all done.

>> wait a minute now.

Where you going with that

Toilet paper?

>> oh, th-this here?

>> uh-uh.

>> yeah, you might--

You might want to wipe with --

With anything up to page 80.

Up to the dog ear.

>> oh no, I find that

The back pages are the softest.

>> oh lord.

>> you know around

The denouement?

>> hey man, I gotta make!

>> are you sure you wouldn't

Rather try

Or something?

>> naw, too slick.

Besides, I been waiting for

This sumbitch to come out in

Paperback.

For papering my back!

>> please don't wipe with that!

>> oh, okay I'm sorry.

I ain't gonna wipe with it.

This ain't fit for my ass!

>> no!

>> I knew it!

>> lieutenant dashing!

>> you reading son of a bitch!

We bout to take care of this

Right now!

[ sizzling ]

>> sheriff: I guess rusty's been

Reading again?

>> I'm handling it.

Changing the curiosity nodes.

Simple outpatient procedure.

>> ain't nothing wrong

With reading.

Why don't you try it sometime?

>> I did try it!

Green eggs?!

Implausible!

>> early it's a children's book.

>> and ham??!

Elitist!

>> new york jewocracy telling

The country man how to eat

His own breakfast!

>> I ain't gotta read anyhow!

I got this here college degree

To fall back on.

Go seminoles!

>> daddy, that's a place mat

From the university of pancakes.

>> well, I only minored in

Hot cakes.

My major was in country gravy.

>> aw now they're just books,

People.

You can have adventures like

You'd never be able to afford.

Like this one here about

A serial killer that makes his

Victims into a skin suit.

>> what color is the skin suit?

>> yeah, that's a valid

Question.

>> y'all really need to

Give it a rest.

The book fair starts tomorrow.

Y'all come on down.

Dean koontz is reading from his

New paperback

>> ok then.

Sounds like a blast!

Oh, yeah...

A real blast.

[ evil laughter ]

>> all right.

You know I never know how to

Quite read you on comments

Like that.

>> a real blast.

>> I guess...

I guess I'll take it

On face value and see you there.

>> you think he got what

I meant about the "Blast"?

About how I focused on "Blast"?

I tried to put "Blast" in

Quotes, emphasizing the "Blast."

>> what did you mean about

The "Blast"?

>> oh now I see what

You're doing.

The blast is a bomb.

>> come on now, daddy,

You ain't got to do this.

>> well it's black or white

With that one.

Me, I don't care to read,

So I just don't do it.

But he's "I don't like books.

I'm gonna blow me up

A book fair!"

>> yep, nitroglycerin,

It's a recurring motif

In much of my work.

>> you ought to at least

Write a manifesto, tell 'em

Why you're doing it.

>> so they could read that?

No, that plays right into

Their damn game, rusty!

Oh, I got just one word for them

People --

Kaboom!

>> koontz: ...And with that,

The zombie's head fell

To the ground with

A sickening thud.

Death -- dead again,

One more time."

Thank you.

Does anyone have any questions?

>> so is that zombie

Actually dead?

>> yeah, I-I think I covered

That in the last sentence.

Anyone else?

>> in a way, jesus was a zombie.

Perhaps if we altered this book

Slightly, send the lord

On a brain feeding frenzy...

>> you know, I don't know.

My-my book is a work

Of fiction.

>> oh, they've said

The same thing about mine.

>> ok, it's been great.

Thank you every--

>> actually, mr. Koontz,

I believe we still have

The signing to do.

>> then you'll take

The ankle bracelet off?

>> well we'll certainly

Discuss it.

>> I'm here to meet dean koontz.

I want him to sign my bomb.

>> [ grunting ]

Got it, yeah.

"The metamorphosis is complete"

He cried, as he slowly ascended

To his hovercraft.

>> howdy, pardner.

>> appaloosa slim!

What are you doin' here?

>> we're the heroes from

All your books.

>> we take you on an

Adventure of the mind.

>> so that you might escape

The depression of living

In this...

You know....

>> crushing p-poverty.

>> wh-who are y'all talking to?

Is-is somebody out there?

>> whilst thou do nothing

While the patriarch destroyeth

All that is literature?

>> what do you want from me?

This here's real life, I mean

That sumbitch is crazy!

>> [ whale singing ]

>> what's he saying?

>> nothing relevant,

He's a freaking whale.

Go save the book fair, son.

>> h-h-here you go, rusty.

>> shakespeare: before we part,

How dos't thy remote work?

>> surely

The television!

>> adventure's in your mind!

>> guys, I'm starting

To freak out.

Could somebody get this [bleep]

Mask off?

>> aw, t-too much bold laser.

>> okay.

Uh..Who should I make this

Out to?

>> uh..Could you just write,

"Vengeance is mine"?

>> certainly.

Vengeance...Is...Mine.

Hello?

Where are you?

>> [ grunting ]

Aw, come on!

Uh! Let's go!

[ grunting ]

Damn it! Activate!

Blast! Do something! Damnit!

>> [ clears throat ]

Trying to blow this up?

>> damn, how'd you find me?

>> I just followed these wires,

Which are strings.

And that's not a detonator,

It's a bicycle pump.

>> oh, dean koontz!

My budgetary limitations come

Back to haunt me!

>> you know, the black panthers

Have published a wonderful

Series of books on overthrowing

The government.

It's got a fully illustrated

Section on incendiary devices.

>> well I ain't reading it!

♪ ♪

>> ain't?

Or can't?

>> can't!

It's my private shame!

>> it's alright early,

I can't read either.

>> well, what about all them

Books you done scribbled up?

>> I just randomly

Type letters.

If a word looks too long,

I'll just hit the space bar.

>> so-so I'm not alone?

>> not at all.

If you had favorite authors,

You'd know that many of them

Can't read either.

Mark twain, jack kerouac,

Robert ludlum.

None of them can read.

>> well hell, if y'all want

To learn how to read,

Look no further than good ol'

Sheriff's knee here.

"Bill will

Climb up the hill.

But where is claire?"

>> "Ahver th...

>> oh. Ohh.

>> ov-over there!

>> that's right, early!

Very good!

>> woo! I'm reading baby!

Come on now dean, get you one!

[ gunshot ]

Dean?

Dean?!

[ gunshot ]

>> oh god, no! Ear--

[ gunshot ]

>> yay, I saved the book fair!

Just like you said to!

>> yes, you did.

And you acted alone.

[ laughing ]

The metamorphosis is complete!

To the hovercraft!

Captions provided

By turner studios.