Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ I gave all my best years

To that woman ♪

♪ and all she gave me was mouths

To feed ♪

♪ a miracle straight from the

Loins of jesus ♪

♪ since charlie blew off

Both my testes ♪

♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> [ slurping ]

[ slurps loudly ]

[ belches ]

A refill.

>> I'll tell you what, krystal,

We like to use this promotion as

A loss leader to get people

In --

>> [ slurping ]

[ slurping loudly ]

[ door opens, chimes ring ]

[ slurping continues ]

[ belches ]

>> oh, are you ready for

Another?

>> refill.

>> comin' right up.

>> and no ice.

I'm onto your game.

[ slurping ]

Ohh.

[ slurping loudly ]

>> you know, I was just hopin'

Maybe you could --

>> back up!

You're crowdin' up on me.

Y'all will wait until my

Bottomless thirst is slaked.

>> okay.

>> who touched my ass?

[ crowd murmurs ]

Do it again. That feels good.

>> how about I give you this

Whole spool of scratch-off

Tickets if you'll agree to leave

The premises?

How would that be?

>> fine.

Call the fire department.

>> oh, thank god for that.

>> you tell them to watch it

With them body winches.

If I see bruises, I'll sue.

[ slurps loudly ]

Refill.

>> them three snowballs got to

Match.

Come on, now, damn it.

You want mama to love you, now,

Don't you?

>> rusty: I'm -- I'm scratchin'

As hard as I can.

We still goin' to the movies,

Right?

>> no.

>> rusty: oh.

Well, that's okay.

That's just your way of sayin'

"I love you," right?

>> no.

They match?

>> rusty: no.

>> ohh.

Keep scratchin'.

[ crickets chirping ]

[

Keep scratchin'.

[ thunder crashes ]

I ain't hearin' no scratchin',

R-rog.

[ birds chirping ]

>> rusty: mama, I'm gettin'

Blisters.

Can I have a coin?

>> dumbass, if I had a nickel,

I wouldn't need to scratch these

Tickets.

Didn't your mama teach you --

>> rusty: oh, my god!

Mama! Mama, look here!

We got a match!

>> lemme see.

>> rusty: mama, we got a match!

Look at this!

>> I told you not to mess with

Mama's lotte...Ry tickets.

[ exhales deeply ]

Yay!

I'm a winner!

>> early: let's see -- tear me

Off 17 "Fat chances."

>> okay.

>> early: mm-hmm.

And three "Piss-it-aways."

>> yeah, okay -- three.

>> early: and 23 -- oh,

"A-fool-and-his-moneys."

>> why don't you take the whole

Spool?

Since, you know, since you're

Robbin' me and all.

>> early: I got a system!

>> well, early, there's no money

In the till, 'cause, you see,

Krystal, here, just --

>> early: krystal's a dumb

Bitch!

If

Can bring it home!

I'm a man!

>> you gonna do anything here,

Hoss?

>> sheriff: well, I just don't

Want to create a situation where

You're dependent on me.

You boys are adults now.

Y'all can't come runnin' to me

Every time you got a problem.

>> early: ohh!

Aah!

>> well, look at him, sheriff,

He's scratchin' off all my price

Tags and labels.

>> early: damn it!

I need me to scratch me some way

To some money!

>> sheriff: well, I think you

Shoulda married that old gal

When you had the chance.

>> early: you sayin' we still

Ain't got somethin' special

Betwinxt us?

>> sheriff: no, I'm just sayin'

You better stay about 250 feet

Away from her, per the court

Order.

Domestic violence ain't a joke,

Early.

Even though you did -- heh --

Kinda try to do it in a --

Heh heh -- funny way, you know?

>> early: [ laughs ]

You mean when I dropped that

Safe on her head.

[ both laugh ]

>> sheriff: see, a piano woulda

Sounded funnier.

[ laughs ]

You know, a piano makes that

"Koong!" sound, you know, when

It hits the ground.

That woulda been funny.

>> early: what the hell do you

Know?

>> sheriff: 250 feet away,

Early.

Don't you forget that.

>> early:

Your mistakes caused all mine.

You mean snake bitch!

>> sheriff: early, you'll have

To back up some now.

>> early: hey, you know it's

Just water under the bridge.

'cause I'm here to say...

You in my heart.

Now, I want you to get on them

Fat, chubby knees and take my

Manhood into your sugar walls.

>> sheriff: keep it back, early.

>> early: I can't come to

Little gal, but you can come to

>> no, I can't.

>> sheriff: well, that's right,

Early.

She can't.

She's fat like a shut-in.

[ whip! ]

Damn it!

>> early: oh, come on, now,

Sheriff.

You gonna let the law get in the

Way of true love?

>> you go back to hell, from

Where you came.

>> early: damn this invisible

Prison!

She's a-tauntin' me!

Your razor whip's cuttin' to the

Core!

[ beeping ]

>> none of your business!

>> early:

I love you.

I'll find you.

I

I'll always be here for you.

And I'm gonna get that

Sumbitchin' money!

>> okay, so, uh, so, we're gonna

Do an esophageal bypass that

Cuts your digestive system

Completely out of the process,

And, uh, you'll look great for

About two weeks, then you'll

Eventually starve to death.

For those two weeks.

Really great.

>> light it up.

>> okay.

[ bell tinkles ]

Just, uh...

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

What's that? Look over there.

What's that?

And -- and we're...

[ drill whirs ]

...Done.

There we go.

>> well, all right!

I got me a new lease on life.

>> yes.

A two-week lease, a massive

Organ failure.

Snuff?

>> dan halen: so, my sweet, I

Suppose you're wondering why I

Asked you on this romantic

Stroll.

The truth is, I have a guilty

Conscience.

>> give me one of them roosters

On a stick.

>> dan halen: one fried carrion

For the lady.

I-I want to apologize for

The time I built that

Waste-treatment plant around

You.

It's just you wouldn't budge

And...

Damn eminent-domain law!

Damn it to hell!

>> ain't nothin' but a thang.

Ohh.

>> dan halen: enchanting.

Please. Allow me.

>> ohh.

>> dan halen: that's it!

I must have you!

[ smooches ]

Mmm! Substantial.

How it rests so heavily in the

Hand.

Quick! Fetch my pants!

I want to feel it tightening my

Pockets!

>> early: look at that bitch.

Fraternizin' with them damn

Blue bloods.

That money's done gone to her

Damn slut head.

>> sheriff: well, hell.

Looky there, early.

She's done purchased herself a

Fourth input.

>> mmm.

>> early: just when I thought

She couldn't be no more perfect.

Heaven must be a-missin' a fat

Ol' angel.

>> mmm.

>> hey, there's our

Miss america.

Great job keeping that neck all

Free of, uh, blockages.

>> what is this?

[ squishing ]

>> [ gasps ] Oh, god.

Ooh.

Krystal.

>> I guess your fat was covering

Up a siamese twin.

>> amber jean?

>> we played smear the queer.

And then it grew dark.

>> cut it off.

>> no! No!

>> it's up in my business.

Mmm.

Give me some sugar.

[ smooches ]

>> dan halen: wow.

Am I tired after that

Sexually heated display.

You take it out of me, you

Succubus.

>> rusty: who's this man in our

House?

>> boy, you better show respect

To your new step...Guy who's

F'ing me.

>> dan halen: well, we haven't

F'ed yet, per se.

But soon we

Course, I'm...Totally into...

F'ing my fairest lady here...

All the way.

The full...Way.

>> I ain't seen his junk yet.

Pull your junk out and show it

To me.

>> dan halen: I-I do have it.

It's just retractable.

>> come on.

We're gonna see

"Johnny mnemonic" at the dollar.

>> rusty: we're gonna see

"Johnny menamonic"?!

You mean it, mama?

>> that flab wagon ain't gonna

Pull itself.

>> rusty: now, this is the best

Day of my life!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

>>

>> dan halen: well, I'm gonna go

Get some gobbly goos.

Does anyone have $275,000?

[ squishing ]

>> unh-unh-unh-unh.

You gonna shake for your supper.

>> dan halen: oh, sure.

Absolutely.

You like this?

>> mm. There it is.

>> dan halen: is this what

You...Desire?

>> take it out, big man, like a

Big ol' coil of rope.

>> dan halen: I don't know what

That means, but thank you.

[

>> [ hispanic accent ] Hola.

I am dan halen.

>> hi.

>> rusty: you look darker than I

Remember.

Did you get a tan?

>> gobbly goo for you?

[ rumbling ]

>> rusty: what the hell's that?!

>> dan halen: I need some alone

Time to think things through...

With this money.

[ wind gusting ]

>> could you tack down my skin

Capes, brandon?

I'm catchin' a gust.

>> early: I liked her better

When she had more meat on them

Bones.

This waif look makes me want not

To stalk her quite so intensely.

>> look, brandon.

It's a space man.

>> dan halen: krystal, I thought

Long and hard about where we're

Going as a couple, and I don't

Want to lose you.

I want to know what love is.

I want you to show me.

This heart needs a second

Chance.

I feel like making love to you,

Love in an elevator, living it

Up when I'm going down.

"Aerosmith's greatest hits."

I'm afraid that's -- that's all

I had in the rocket.

>> well, you're too late.

I mean, I'm already with

Dan halen.

>>

>> dan halen: so you are.

I hope I make you as happy as

Were once.

Can I dance for you one more

Time?

>> all right.

Mm, mm.

I ain't got no money.

>> dan halen: but the lottery...

>> I bought scratch-offs with

All my mad money.

It was never about winnin' for

Me.

The thrill's in the chase.

You got to work like you never

Been hurt...Like you don't need

The money, and scratch like

Nobody's watchin'.

>> rusty: oh, my god.

We got us a match, mama!

>> $3.

Hurray.

[ koong! ]

>> early: aw, damn it!

>> sheriff: there you go.