Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ somehow I got spinal

Meningitis ♪

♪ injectin' all that hair spray

In my spine ♪

♪ it's a super-cheap way

To party ♪

♪ if you aim to kill some brain

Cells and some time ♪

Good luck gettin' that

Child-support check from me

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ vehicle approaching ]

>> sheriff: slow down, slow

Down, denny!

No, denny, slow down!

[ tires squeal ]

[ engine revs ]

Slow down, denny boy!

Stop!

[ crash! ]

[ clatter! ]

>> whoo! I win!

>> sheriff: it ain't a race,

Denny.

[ coughs ]

It's a parade, damn it.

>> I followed the parade route.

I did it fast.

>> sheriff: hell, we left

Miss mud festival and the whole

Marching band at the bottom of

The hill.

>> rusty: mud festival?!

Hey, daddy, can we go to that

Mud festival?

I want to go to the

Mud festival!

Can we go, daddy? I want to go!

>> early: no, we got perfectly

Good mud right here.

>> sheriff: aw, don't deflate

The boy's hopes, early.

>> granny: let his dreams

Crumble over time.

>> sheriff: next thing you know,

You're pushing 50 and your

Dreams of becoming an fbi

Superagent are, well, remote,

At best.

Some nights, you salt the rim of

Your service revolver so it

Tastes like the margaritas that

You so often abuse.

But I digress.

Mud days are here, y'all.

[ band plays up-tempo music ]

Uh-oh.

>> granny: it's mud days, y'all!

[ band plays mid-tempo music ]

>> rusty: hey, little possum.

Can I feed him, daddy?

>> early: knock yourself out.

>> rusty: all right, now I'm

Gonna ride him.

Come on, giddyup! Come on!

Giddyup, giddyup!

Giddyup, now, possum, come on!

>> early: it's

Hyah, hyah! Whoo!

Hyah! Whoo!

[ squishing ]

[ slurps ]

Dumbass creature.

>> granny: make me look like

Angelina jolie.

But don't draw no black babies.

Just put me on a trans am.

And have me having dirty sex

With burt reynolds on the hood.

And jesus is smiling and giving

Thumbs-up, and he's marrying us,

So make sure we got wedding

Rings on.

>> sheriff: I did capture the

Spirit of it, I believe.

>> granny: I don't windsurf.

>> sheriff: maybe it's a hobby

You might ought to consider.

>> granny: give me back my food

Stamps.

>> rusty: oh, my god, they got

Mud konez, daddy!

Can I get a mud kone?!

Can I, daddy? Can I, daddy?

>> that'll be four tickets,

Please.

>> early: just give me the kone!

I'll provide my

>> well, now, early, it goes to

The kids' burn unit.

>> rusty: aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

>> early: this here's a burnt

Kid.

>> rusty: aah! Aah!

Aaaaaah!

>> early: give him a kone.

>> sorry, son.

Sometimes people get caught in

The crossfire.

>> rusty: owwww!

[ whimpers ]

Thank you, daddy.

>> early: "Thank you,

>> sheriff: hey, everybody, it's

Mudsy time.

Come on, it's mudsy time.

>> all: [ chanting ] Mudsy!

Mudsy! Mudsy! Mudsy! Mudsy!

>> sheriff: wake up, mudsy.

>> [ snorts ]

>> sheriff: come on.

Get on up, now.

>> granny: poke him with your

Stick!

>> sheriff: wake up, or I'm

Gonna tase you.

>> all: mudsy! Mudsy!

[ crowd cheering ]

>> w-w-what's going on here?

>> early: hey, mudsy, we gonna

Get two more weeks of mud?

>> look, now, my name's richard.

I'm a human being.

I was a loan officer down at the

Bank.

The economy had a little bit of

A downturn, but --

>> sheriff: yeah, subprime

Lending.

We all know, mudsy.

>> richard.

>> sheriff: yeah, everybody

Close your eyes and make a wish

And throw a rock at mudsy.

>> no, no, no, no, no.

>> sheriff: y'all try to avoid

The head, now.

Liability issues, you know.

>> dan halen: attention,

Primitive people!

You may have been wondering what

Is under the enormous tarp.

It is my gift to you.

>> granny: he's got a tarp under

There.

>> early: hell yeah!

>> dan halen: not that.

>> granny: he's got a tarp under

This big-ass tarp!

>> early: hell yeah!

>> dan halen: no, no.

Introducing the world's

Largest --

>> granny: are you sure it's not

A tarp?

>> dan halen: never mind.

Lift it.

[ fanfare ]

Huh?

Huh?

>> rusty: somebody touched my

Ass.

>> dan halen: oh, hold on

Just -- sorry.

All right, there it is!

[ fanfare ]

It's a corn maze.

>> rusty: they moved that

Big-ass tarp.

>> early: where?

>> rusty: right over there.

>> early: I'll look at some

Tarp, I'll tell you that much.

>> dan halen: god -- shucky, get

Out there quick!

Their minds are feeble.

Lead them to the corn!

>> hi, everybody! Hey, hey!

I'm shucky.

>> dan halen: your mud days are

Over, dougal county!

It is time for corn times!

Maize days!

You know what?

Let's just go with the initial

Idea with the corn times.

That's fine enough.

>> hey, hey!

>> dan halen: corn times!

>> hey, kid, you like balloon

Animals?

>> rusty: I sure do.

>> oh, shucks!

I'm all out of balloons.

Wait, I know.

I'll just take these muddy old

Intestines.

>> aah, aah, aah, aah!

>> sheriff: actually, shucky, I

Think that's fecal matter.

>> and voilà.

There you go.

>> rusty: can you make me a

Mommy out of one of them

Balloons?

>> hey, hey, it's time to get

This party started, y'all...

[ up-tempo music plays ]

...And turn this old dud of a

Mud days into a cornucopia maize

Craze!

>> aah!

I'm still alive, I'm still

Ali-I-I-I-I-ve!

[ rockets whistling ]

>> all: ahh! Ooh!

>> rusty: corn days! Whoo!

>> early: screw the mud days!

It's corn times, baby!

>> rusty: hell yeah! Whoo!

>> dan halen: enjoy corn times

Forever!

[ laughs evilly ]

[ whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!

Whoosh! ]

>> granny: well, that seemed

Ominous.

[ suspenseful music plays ]

[ crowd screaming ]

>> sheriff: something ain't

Right here.

You know, I specifically asked

For spider-man, not this.

This just flat-out undermines my

Authority.

>> early: let's get the hell out

Of here.

>> presentin' the

Charlie daniels band!

[ "Devil went down to georgia"

Plays ]

>> early: I mean, let's keep our

Asses planted right here.

"Still in saigon"!

"Still in saigon"! Whoo!

>> rusty: I don't see no

Charlie daniels.

This is just the band.

>> early: what the -- no!

>> ughhhhh.

>> sheriff: early!

>> early: you know how much

Moonshine I can make with this?

>> rusty: daddy? Daddy, we got

To get out of here!

We got to get a map or somethin'

And go!

[ fiddle playing ]

>> early: charlie?

Is that -- is that you, charlie?

>> rusty: charlie daniels!

>> ain't no rag. It's a flag.

>> granny: I see charlie's hat!

With his head still in it?

>> ain't no map. It's a trap!

>> rusty: aah! Granny!

>> granny: you gonna help me?!

Help me, early!

>> early: hold on, granny!

>> granny: aah!

[ heroic music plays ]

[ music stops ]

You know, you could have just

Clipped the vine.

>> early: movin' on.

[ bird cawing ]

>> sheriff: [ clears throat ]

Uh, mr. Halen, I'm sorry to be a

Pain, but this corn, it wouldn't

Be -- [clears throat] --

Genetically modified, would it?

>> dan halen: that is a trade

Secret -- proprietary.

Don't talk about cornzu.

>> sheriff: cornzu?

>> dan halen: who said

"Cornzu" -- t.M.?

That term is trademarked.

Pay me a dime every time you say

"Cornzu."

>> sheriff: I-I'll tell you

What.

I'll just say "The maze of

Cornlike material."

How's that?

>> dan halen: yeah, but what

Sort of cornlike material?

I won't know what you're talking

About.

>> sheriff: well, it rhymes with

"Pornzu."

>> dan halen: ha! I own that,

Too.

Look, if corn and kudzu fall in

Love and have a baby...

In a lab, under the supervision

Of scientists working in my

Employ, who am I to stop that,

Other than the c.E.O.

Responsible for stopping it?

>> sheriff: it's just that it

Makes it a little hard to get to

Work, you know, with all the

Vines and the maze and stuff

Trying to kill ya and all that.

>> dan halen: don't you

Understand?!

With this much corn...

[ machinery whirring ]

...I'll corner the global market

On --

>> sheriff: ethanol. Right?

>> dan halen: etha-what?

>> sheriff: it's a simple

Biofuel derived from corn or

Switch grass.

What's that?

>> dan halen: that?

Oh, that's certainly nothing to

Do with my plans, I I-imagine.

Korn doggz -- why, the very

Notion is ridiculous.

Granted, the real adoption

Papers do create a unique...

Look, that's going away, so just

Don't look at it anymore.

>> sheriff: you know, I bet you

Could make enough ethanol from

That cornzu to run all the cars

In the world.

>> dan halen: [ chuckling ] Corn

Running cars?

You rube, that's impossible.

Fuel comes from ancient dino

Blood.

We all know that.

[ intercom buzzes ]

>> mr. Halen, a mr. Corn maze is

Here to see you.

>> dan halen: it's as I feared.

It's become self-aware.

I-I'm busy. I'm with a client.

[ crashing ]

Oh, hey, there.

Someone's ears are burning.

We were just talking about you.

Aah!

>> [ echoing ] Hello.

>> sheriff: wassup?

>> nice face painting.

>> sheriff: yeah, well, it's

Supposed to be spider-man.

Also supposed to be temporary.

>> early: this is turning into a

Regular goldang

"Poseidon adventure."

My truckboat truck!

[ rumbling ]

[ metal crunching ]

No! My vehicle!

>> its emissions are outside the

Acceptable standards.

The vehicle is banished.

>> rusty: oh, my god, I think

I'm gonna poop on myself!

>> yes, organism, spill your

Waste here on my face.

Nourish me!

>> granny: no, don't do it!

You'll only make it stronger.

>> early: you'll never win, you

Dirty maze!

You hear me?!

[ echoing ] You'll never win!

[ glass shatters ]

>> granny: that maze sure did

Win.

That was a damn rout.

>> wrong! Do it again.

Green, brown, clear.

>> granny: colorblind.

I don't know what color.

>> and here we have a label.

What the hell -- what the hell

With it?

I told you, peel the label.

Steam the label.

Soak it if you have to.

No labels in the bin!

>> granny: this is a-plus

Bullcrap.

>> rusty: quiet, granny.

I don't want him to dump

Bins.

I've been doing it right.

>> yes, captain carbon arises.

It must be 3:00.

>> early: tv's out again.

Blow the windmill, rusty.

>> rusty: okay, daddy.

[ exhaling ]

When you gonna rise up

Against -- [ exhales ] -- our

Corn masters, like you said?

[ exhales ]

>> early: soon, rusty. Soon.

>> rusty: but when?

Every day, it gets stronger.

>> early: are you sayin' I

Don't?

'cause I do.

I'm buildin' up my corn

Tolerance.

Soon I will be immune!

[ gulping ]

>> rusty: all right, daddy.

[ glass shatters ]

>> early: I've had e-damn-nough

Of your naggin'!

>> here we go.

And good night.

>> early: counterbalancing, my

Ass.

>> looks like you need some of

My cousin -- coffee.

[ laughs ]

>> early: sass back from a

Plant!

All right, you corny sumbitch!

The revolution starts right now!

>> rusty: yeah, daddy, let him

Have it!

[ gun clicks ]

[ whirring ]

>> early: just as soon as these

Clouds clear.

>> rusty: break yourself, corn!

Break yourself!

[ motor winding down ]

>> early: your day is comin',

Sumbitch!

>> rusty: come on! Whoo!

>> early: move over, son.

You in my light.