Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my dreams are all dead and

Buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun would

Just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me to

His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of

Bitches when I go ♪

[ yodeling ]

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ light brushing ]

>> [ echoing ] Build it.

[ echoing ] It's time.

>> dan halen: hmm.

This is new.

>> [ echoing ] Build it!

It's time!

>> dan halen: damn it.

Sheila, hold my calls.

[ buzzing ]

>> early: [ sniffs ]

Oh, hell!

[ sniffs ]

How them crops look, boy?

>> rusty: by "Crops," you mean

Mud?

>> early: I do.

>> rusty: d-daddy, we sold it

All.

>> early: oh, lord, no!

>> rusty: you know, so we could

Get money for gas, so we could

Go muddin'.

>> early: on the mud we don't

Have.

Oh, cruel irony!

Your barbs is razor-sharp!

Where's my mud money?

I need a buzz.

>> granny: we ain't got none.

That dirt's free!

>> rusty: yeah, daddy, we gave

It away.

>> early: you did what?!

This wasn't the damn business

Model we discussed!

>> rusty: well, we can sell them

Kittens.

[ kittens meowing ]

>> rusty: main thing I hate more

Is price-gougin' old kittens.

>> early: I said to sell the

Dirt and give away them damn

Kittens!

Damn it, it ain't always what I

Say!

Sometimes it's what I mean.

Hell, you got to think my

Thoughts.

To understand him, you have to

Become him.

>> granny: well, I'm not a mind

Reader, you know.

>> early: and you about to not

Be a mind haver in your skull,

Neither.

And knock them kitty cats down

To 15 a load and see if we get a

Nibble.

>> dan halen: higher!

Higher, you fools!

Time is short, and so will be

Your very lives.

[ bulldozers beeping ]

Oh, come on.

It's not like we're building a

Daycare center here.

>> granny: [ grunting ]

>> early: ahh, the first mud of

Winter.

Come on, granny, a little bit

More.

Put your tiny spine into it.

>> rusty: that's granite

Hardpan, daddy.

How we gonna bog on that?

>> early: son, when god takes a

Dump on your head, you just got

To craft it into a hat that

Says, "When god takes a dump on

Your head, you just gotta craft

It into a hat"...

That says, "When god takes a

Dump on your head..."

>> rusty: I got it, daddy.

>> early: "...You just got to

Craft it into a hat..."

>> rusty: okay, da-- okay.

>> early: ...That says, "When

God takes a dump on your

Head --"

>> rusty: I'm just saying it

Looks steep down there.

[ engine revving ]

>> granny: who wants the

Four-wheeler?

>> early: nope.

>> granny: yes.

>> early: no, ma'am.

You will ride the segway.

>> granny: son of a bitch.

>> early: rock-star parking,

Baby!

Whoo!

[ engine revving ]

Well, you ready to mud?

[ engine turns over ]

[ engine revving ]

Hey, lil, you ready to mud?

Never mind!

Granny, you ready to mud?

>> granny: wait.

I got a parking problem...

>> early: and I am ready to mud!

[ engine revving ]

Yes! Yeah, baby!

Whoo! Let's go!

>> rusty: whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait. Wait a minute, daddy.

Wait. Wait.

W-what's the point?

>> early: the point?

What do you mean, the point?

>> rusty: you know, the object

Of muddin'.

[ keys clacking ]

>> early: google "Muddin'" and

"What for do we do it?"

>> granny: "Did you mean

'mudding'?"

>> early: click "No" -- no "G"

On "Muddin'."

Mudd-in-apostrophe.

[ mouse clicks ]

>> granny: it's computinating

The answers.

>> early: I know the sumbitch is

Computertating.

Don't tell me that which I know.

>> granny: searching.

Searching.

Still searching.

>> early: I'm gonna shake it!

Come on! Go faster!

>> granny: shake it!

Shake the robot!

>> early: optimize this

Sumbitch!

[ kittens meowing ]

Hang on.

>> granny: no, that's the litter

Box right there.

>> early: where's the

Communication in this

Sumbitchin' family?

>> rusty: where you goin',

Granny?

>> granny: I'm goin' muddin'.

And I don't need no computer

Full of cat crap to tell me

That!

And you gonna eat my electric

Dust.

Help!

[ clattering ]

Ohh!

>> early: damn, you wild, little

Gal.

[ thunder crashing ]

>> dan halen: of course I

Couldn't tell them I needed

Their skulls.

Who's going to move dirt for you

After they hear that?

>> nobody.

>> dan halen: am I right?

>> I'd just quit.

>> dan halen: exactly, glenn.

And then where's the project?

>> in the toilet.

>> dan halen: flushed, glenn,

Flushed.

>> can't show them all your

Cards.

>> dan halen: that's what I'm

Saying.

>> that's what I'm saying...

'cause that's what you were

Saying before I started saying

It.

It's just, uh, too bad you can't

Get one more skull to go up on

Top here.

>> dan halen: really?

>> you mind if I just --

>> dan halen: oh, oh, of course.

>> like, one just right --

Right here.

>> dan halen: huh.

>> know what I mean?

Sort of brings out all the white

In the other bleached skulls,

You know?

Or maybe just tilt it just so,

Give the whole arrangement a

Little more symmetry.

You know what I mean?

It's just a little too flat up

There.

Then it, you know -- then it's

Really forboding.

[ indistinct speaking ]

[ thunder crashing ]

>> dan halen: I don't see it.

>> [ sighs ] Really?

>> dan halen: yeah, glenn, I'm

Not with you on this one.

>> all right.

Have a good one.

>> dan halen: all right, guy,

You, too.

Now, we're definitely going with

The turquoise highlights here.

God, I

>> rusty: [ grunting ]

>> early: as she lies here with

Her segway, which she knows we

Loved, a flood of memories

Washes over me, how on summer

Days we would sit together on

The front porch.

And, oh, the stories we would

Tell.

[ cars whizzing by, announcer

Speaking indistinctly on tv ]

Nothing never needed to be said

Between me and her.

It was understood.

We would watch what the hell I

Wanted to watch --

"Celebrity poker jam"!

>> granny: [ moaning ]

I ain't dead.

I'm just in an incredible amount

Of pain.

>> early: nun-unh!

You know how much this costly

Box done costed me?

You're going in the damn ground!

[ metal clanking ]

>> rusty: ugh!

[ exhales ]

I can't get the hole no deeper,

Daddy.

>> early: well, fine and dandy!

Ignite the crematorium.

>> granny: does anyone hear me

About not being dead?

>> early: wait!

Granny...What time is it?

>> granny: it's 10 after 6:00.

>> early: my zoning meeting!

>> dan halen: previously, the

County had looked like this -- a

Horrible, boxlike abomination,

Completely embarrassing from

Space.

My proposal, however, would

Stretch the county into a

Friendlier, more outgoing, and

Playful shape, as shown.

The star symbolizes america and

Encompasses all registered

Republicans.

And this ring of hellfire,

Budget willingly, would keep all

Illegal immigrants out.

Gentlemen of the zoning board, I

Thank you.

[ light applause ]

>> okay, all in favor, say

"Aye."

>> together: aye.

>> well, thank you, dan.

>> sheriff: hang on, guys.

Hang on.

I didn't realize by law you

Could make the county bigger.

>> dan halen: we might have to

Advance on lumpkin or chattooga

With some minor tactical air

Strikes, but I really don't see

That as a problem.

>> okeydokey.

All in favor, say "Aye."

>> together: aye.

>> sheriff: wait, y'all just

Wait one second here, okay?

What's -- what's that mountain

On there?

>> dan halen: oh, this.

Yes, this is mount murder.

And it has always been there.

>> sheriff: oh, okay.

That's all my questions.

>> okay, all in favor, say

"Aye."

>> all: "Aye."

>> dan halen: [ screeching ]

[ glass breaking ]

>> okay, next on the agenda...

[ up-tempo marching-band music

Playing ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

>> this is wrong, a slap in the

Face of the lord!

You will all burn in h--

No relish?

Blasphemy!

>> dan halen: ladies and

Gentlemen, a project like this

Cannot be completed with the

Dedication, hard work, and

Skulls of many men not

Suspecting evil.

[ cheers and applause ]

And we'll only go up from here!

[ orchestral music swelling ]

[ birds squawk ]

[ camera shutters clicking ]

Yeah!

Now bathe in a lake of frogs!

[ thunder crashes ]

Come on up and kneel before the

Master!

First one up can get a foam

Stress ball!

[ choir vocalizing ]

>> [ gasps ] Look, everyone!

They're giving out baklava over

There!

[ crowd oohs ]

>> dan halen: wait, we -- we

Have attractions, too, uh --

Pet a thing's back.

>> granny: they got bobbleheads

And mini golf.

>> early: you never bring a dead

Body to a grand opening.

>> granny: I hate being dead.

>> dan halen: and have your

Picture taken with tone loc.

He's technically not here, but I

Met him once in the airport.

I'm sure I can get him on the

Phone.

Come on!

We're locally owned!

Isn't that worth a few pennies

More?!

Free rape whistle with 10-lesson

Pack.

Learn -- learn the art of throat

Punching.

Come in, and I will...Kick you

And things.

[ birds chirping ]

>> [ echoing ] Sell it.

>> dan halen: [ sighs ]

>> [ echoing ] It's time.

>> dan halen: it was time six

Months ago.

We are not even zoned to sell

Beer.

>> [ echoing ] Why don't you

Turn it into a yogurt shop...

>> dan halen: no, no, no.

>> [ echoing ] ...For fat,

Republican, white women?

>> dan halen: that's a stupid

Idea.

>> [ echoing ] Screw it, man.

Write it off.