Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ she run off and took our

Only chicken ♪

♪ when I broke jail, the house

Was burnt and bare ♪

[ singing indistinctly ]

♪ some days, life just don't

Seem that fair ♪

♪ I don't even care ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ upbeat country music plays ]

>> ♪ but I've been hearing on

The news about this man with the

Rag on his head ♪

♪ he's a-hidin' in the desert

'cause the good lord wants him

Dead ♪

♪ and I say ♪

♪ osama bin laden may be

Downtrodden ♪

♪ 'cause the boys, they are

Comin' for you ♪

♪ and you know they gonna get

You ♪

♪ I double-darn betcha that

We'll have you by 2002 ♪

>> dan halen: oh, my god.

Enhance 17 through 23.

[ beeping ]

Hand clap.

Twirl.

Toe tap.

Double-boot slap.

He's executing every move

Exactly like everyone else like

No one I've ever seen.

He's on fire!

>> ♪ the troops will be

Returnin' with a victory for the

U.S. Of a. ♪

[ applause ]

>> well, that was another

Example of the old country

Sound.

>> early: heigh-ho.

Did you see that fine-ass little

Gal holding hands with that

Dandy man over there?

I want you to send her five

Long island ice teas, and you

Say they's from me.

>> you got any money since five

Minutes ago?

>> early: I'll tell you what,

Cochise.

You go ahead and send her five

Tap waters, and you say they's

From me.

>> we're limiting water to one

Glass per customer, on account

Of the drought.

>> dan halen: five glasses.

Do as the man says.

>> but we got water restri--

>> dan halen: did I stutter?

>> but --

>> dan halen: did I stutter?!

>> early: hang on.

Crack this bad boy open and, uh,

Swirl it around with a swizzle.

You know, party favors.

And don't you judge me!

>> dan halen: I've been

Following your moves, early.

You follow a predetermined set

Of routines in slow motion with

Listless energy and joyless

Precision.

You don't play by their rules

Because your heart is a

Stallion.

>> early: yeah.

My behind's closed for business,

If that's what this is about.

>> rusty: [ whispering ]

>> early: I need your money, if

That's what this is about.

>> dan halen: patience, early.

An opportunity will present

Itself in due time.

>> oh, sorry, gentlemen.

The wet t-shirt contest has been

Canceled due to statewide water

Restrictions.

>> early: ah, damn it!

We had us a ringer!

>> granny: I trained all week

For this!

>> folks, we can only do so much

With a humidifier.

Sorry.

>> you're about to see why I'm a

Three-time champion.

>> granny: hey, big 'un.

Quit hoggin' all that mist.

>> back off, bitch.

[ splash! ]

>> granny: oh.

>> whoo-oo!

Still undefeated.

[ bird squawks ]

>> whee!

>> early: come on, now.

Let's go.

[ creaks ]

>> whee.

>> [ hawking ]

[ spits ]

[ sizzles ]

>> whee.

>> early: summer fun.

All right, little boy, let's go.

>> dan halen: can't you just see

The joy on the childrens' faces?

[ thud! ]

No, not -- don't look at that

Child's face.

>> sheriff: yeah, as much as it

Pains me to do this, I'm gonna

Have to ask you to shut her

Down.

>> dan halen: [ gasps ]

Is this about the e. Coli thing?

Look, filling the wave pool with

Animal urine is a worthwhile

Experiment.

Let's not throw the baby out

With the imported chinese wolf

Piss.

That urine is screened visually

For bacteria before we allow any

Child to splash about in it.

>> sheriff: and what is that

Stuff over there?

>> dan halen: [ clears throat ]

They're entirely legitimate

Scientific fluids.

May I remind you, sheriff,

Moist and wacky is the largest

Employer of uneducated trailer

Filth in this entire

God-forgotten region?

>> sheriff: well, until we get

Some more rain, I suggest that I

Probably just look the other way

On this whole deal.

>> dan halen: that's why you're

The man, sheriff.

Punch it in, bro.

But don't -- don't actually

Touch me.

[ frog croaking ]

>> rusty: now, this says we can

Install a flow restrictor on our

Showerhead and save between 500

And 800 gallons a month.

>> early: or just dab you some

Rebel bandit behind your ears.

Smells twice as fine for half

The price.

[ glass clinks ]

>> rusty: jug line ain't moving,

Daddy.

>> early: all right, get out and

Push us over that way.

>> rusty: [ grunts ]

>> early: that there cove's a

Hot spot for the largemouth

Tilapia.

>> granny: [ groaning ]

Aah! Aah!

>> rusty: now, remember, granny,

If it's yellow, let it mellow,

But if it's brown, flush it

Down.

>> granny: it was green.

And there's a whole city of tiny

Orange bugs in it.

>> rusty: oh.

It don't say nothing about that,

Granny.

>> granny: they chased me!

Didn't you hear me screaming?

>> early: get back, woman!

I told you to get some

Penicillin down at the soda

Shop!

Them orange butt mites get in

The damn well water, it's gonna

Play hell with my

Charlie daniels koi pond!

[ fiddle music plays ]

>> rusty: hey, daddy, this says

We should use condensation from

Our central air-conditioning

Unit to source them luxury

Items.

>> early: I know I just didn't

Hear you call charlie daniels a

Luxury.

>> granny: now, what in the hell

Is this central air-conditioning

You're talking about?

>> early: it's a bunch of bull

Mess made up by them liberals to

Make us buy more magnets!

Conspiracy, I tell you!

Now, you go on in the house and

Hose off the big screen.

The race is about to come on.

[ engine turns over ]

Wake up! Get up!

You're going into town to buy me

A magnet!

>> rusty: [ slurping ]

>> early: russell, come on, son.

Glitter only, I said.

I get the water.

The damn water is mine!

You don't like it, complain to

God!

But guess what.

He got a deaf ear turned to you,

Boy.

You know why?

'cause there ain't no damn god!

>> with your permission, early,

I'd like to begin.

>> early: bring it on,

Ding dong.

[ organ music plays ]

>> [ clears throat ]

Lord, we thank you for this

Scorching and seemingly

Endless --

Ohh! I can't spin this!

I can't even wash the bugs off

My windshield, and I have to say

A rosary out of guilt every time

I take a shower!

Is it because jane fonda lives

Down here?

She has five vacation homes,

Lord!

They're not all in atlanta!

Oh, you'll make a statue weep a

River of tears in brazil, and we

Get nothing?!

Hell, they were drinking monkey

Blood before we got down there!

It's go time, lord!

You put up or you shut up!

Amen.

>> rusty: damn.

>> that's right, I said it.

>> early: well, hell yeah! Whoo!

You step up, you handle your

Business! Whoo!

>> [ chuckling ] Thank you.

Little tough love there.

Okay!

We have a guest today.

Mr. Dan halen is here to speak

To us from his heart about

Commitment to jes--

>> dan halen: your god is

Clearly punishing you for not

Listening to me.

Listen to me!

Get wet at the precipitation

Celebration this saturday at the

Lester maddox boiled peanut

Dome.

Scripture tells us that

David allan coe will perform

For 9 american dollars.

>> early: david allan coe?!

Hell yeah! Hell yeah!

>> dan halen: and all your water

Problems will be solved.

Amen.

>> well...

[ chuckles nervously ]

I don't remember anything in the

Good book about david allan coe.

>> dan halen: bring a poncho,

You brainless sheep!

[ cheers and applause ]

Over there in the loge, next to

The capital one luxury box.

>> what does he look like?

>> dan halen: he's a squid, coe!

Look for something with lots of

Arms.

What do I look like, an

Ichthyologist?

>> I'm just saying, man, I see a

Few of them up there.

>> dan halen: he's the one with

His mouth open in an expression

Of constant confusion and

Ignorance.

>> maybe you could give me a

Little better clue.

>> dan halen: look for the one

In the hat.

It probably says something like,

"Guns don't kill people, I do."

>> oh, yeah, okay.

>> dan halen: focus your ballad

At the squid, coe, like a laser!

>> all right, dougal county, are

You ready to party with a

Long-haired redneck?

>> early: we're gonna have a

Good time tonight!

>> granny: I will lick your

Anus!

What, am I talking too loud for

You, whore?!

>> early: what the hell you

Lookin' at?!

>> rusty: you want some of

This?!

>> we're gonna blow the roof off

Of this damn boiled peanut dome.

>> rusty: this is a dome?

>> early: retractable.

>> we're gonna kick things off

With a song from my new album.

>> dan halen: no! Not the new!

>> I mean, let's kick it off

With a song I was just handed on

This page.

It's called "The oklahochee" --

"Hachee" -- I --

[ band plays ]

"Dam jam."

Whatever.

♪ I come on friday night

With a paycheck in my hand ♪

♪ I've been sweating overtime

Hours for the man ♪

♪ I comb and braid my hair

Back ♪

♪ spray on a little tan ♪

♪ and then we're gonna party

Down the okaleechee dam ♪

>> rusty: where you going?

>> early: hell, son, I can't

Control this.

I was born to line dance!

Hell, you know that!

>> rusty: he do have a gift.

>> early: start handing out the

Panty liners, son!

I'm about to do my thing!

>> ♪ I'm sick and tired of this

Water-usage ban ♪

♪ I'm gonna stop it now ♪

♪ I got a damn good plan ♪

♪ I packed a half a ton of

Fertilizer in a rental van ♪

♪ I'm gonna blow the hell out of

The okaleechee dam ♪

>> rusty: hey, daddy, are you

Listening to these lyrics?

>> early: I am not.

Drive the van, son.

Follow david allan coe!

>> rig the detonator!

>> [ singing indistinctly ]

♪ do it, early ♪

♪ do it, early ♪

♪ do it, early ♪

♪ blow up the dam ♪

>> ♪ some of this water

Would have gone to alabam' ♪

♪ but me, I'm making sure it all

Ends up on georgia land ♪

♪ and if I get caught, they're

Gonna put my ass in the can ♪

♪ but if I survive this

Overwhelming blast from here I

Stand ♪

♪ on the edge of the span

Of the okaleechee dam ♪

>> early: step on back, son.

These detonators ain't child's

Play.

>> rusty: daddy, you don't have

To do this now.

>> early: do what?

>> go, go, go!

Get the hell out of here!

[ tires screeching ]

[ beeping ]

>> early: what happened to the

Music?

[ wood cracking ]

>> sheriff: water!

We made it, guys!

We're gonna live!

Wait, no!

I can't swim!

[ cracking ]

>> help!

[ indistinct shouting ]

>> dan halen: look at these

Whores and philistines.

That's right!

Lap it up!

>> are you sure that dam was

Built by al-qaeda?

>> dan halen: I'm not.

>> because they don't usually

Come here.

>> dan halen: look, you're a

Great american, david allan.

Now play for my amusement,

Country bard!

Snap to it, bumpkin!

I have you till 6:00.

[ "The okaleechee dam jam"

Continues ]

>> [ singing indistinctly ]

♪ do it, early ♪

♪ do it, early ♪

♪ do it, early ♪

♪ blow up the dam ♪

>> rig that son of a bitch!