Original subtitles

>> entrepreneur, restaurateur, a

Short, badger-like tycoon with

So much money, he bought the

Word "Money."

Dan halen is all of these

Things.

We caught up with halen at his

Inground pool, inexplicably

Built in the middle of a giant

Lake, which is itself a giant

Aboveground pool.

>> dan halen: right now, we are

Adrift on the north pole.

>> mm.

>> dan halen: I wanted future

Generations to enjoy it in its

Pristine state...

Here in georgia...

Putting a wave pool in there

In the spring.

And here we have mecca. Yes.

[ chuckling ] Millions of

Muslims have no idea where to

Turn.

It's -- it's really quite funny.

>> now, what's this here?

>> dan halen: the, uh,

Blarney stone.

Yes, I found that I needed the

Luck more than the irish.

[ smooches ]

So I just acquired that.

Melissa, you'll find that I'm a

Simple man of simple tastes.

Look -- the sphinx has a booger.

An orange booger.

[ chuckles ]

I'm -- I'm delighted by this.

>> you have an impressive

Collection here, but I was --

>> dan halen: and the moon, too.

Did you -- did you know that?

Did I mention?

The [bleep] Moon.

I own that.

That's mine.

>> it's impressive.

>> dan halen: yes, I put pandas

Up there.

They said it couldn't be done,

And...

They were right, as it turned

Out.

The pandas exploded.

Look, I'm not a scientist.

I'm just a man with a lot of

Money.

See that lamp?

[ flies buzzing ]

That was once a human being.

I don't -- I don't want to tell

You how to turn it on.

[ chuckling ] I don't know if we

Can say that on a family

Program.

>> you have an estimated net

Worth of over $5 billion.

>> dan halen: [ chuckles ]

>> what keeps you going?

>> dan halen: oh, melissa, come,

Now.

My team of five tailors sews my

Pants on me one thread at a

Time, just like everyone else.

>> [ chuckles ]

But I notice you're not

Pants.

>> dan halen: you're...Sure

About that?

Zoom -- zoom in on this.

Right -- right here.

>> does that -- does that say

"Born 2 pork!"?

>> dan halen: [ chuckles ]

I'm glad you noticed.

It's from my exclusive line of

Tan man body stencils.

>> halen's body stencils are the

Newest moneymaker in an

Unstoppable empire.

>> dan halen: now with comically

Mixed-up letters.

Pimp your muffin top today!

You know

>> if dan halen were any less

Successful, he might not be able

To indulge his expensive tastes,

Like his menagerie of exotic

Pets.

>> dan halen: aha.

Ah, hello, boy.

>> wow.

>> dan halen: allow me to

Introduce you.

This is ken griffin jr.

>> [ roars ]

>> and that's an actual griffin

From...Mythology.

>> dan halen: no, no, no.

This is a griffin doodle.

They're more expensive than a

Purebred griffin.

But they're terrible with

Children.

>> now, shouldn't this fish be

In a bowl?

>> dan halen: if he were the one

Calling the shots, yes, he

Be in a bowl, I suppose, fat and

Happy.

But he's not.

>> ah.

>> dan halen: come on.

Moonwalk.

Do the moonwalk for me.

>> [ gasps ]

>> dan halen: there you go.

There you go.

There you...Go!

>> [ gasps ]

>> dan halen: you see, I'm

Teaching him to equate water

With pain.

[ chuckling ] Someday, we'll

Look back on this and laugh.

[ laughs ]

Samara!

>> why do you think you have so

Many enemies in the business

World?

>> dan halen: well, I think

Outside the box, melissa, and I

Chart my own course.

I'm american, and I refuse to

Outsource.

The japanese have a word --

Hanawana...Something.

I -- well, I...

I bought this sword in japan.

>> critics point to halen's

Affinity for even more

Controversial business

Practices, like undersourcing...

>> dan halen: melissa, listen.

The mole people had no future

Before I came along.

I brought them electricity,

Taught them structure.

They had no elevator to the

Surface, for example.

>> hmm.

>> dan halen: and they -- they

I think we'd all -- I think

We'll all sleep a lot easier

With them not being able to get

Up here.

[ moles shrieking ]

No!

[ clank ]

>> ...And his controversial

"Volcano fun camp for winners."

>> dan halen: I bring 40

Underprivileged inner-city kids

With no home, no education, no

Future to spend the summer in my

Volcano.

Melissa, many of these kids

Would never even get to

Volcano.

Now they get to be part of a

Real live working volcano.

[ laughs ]

Come on.

Who wants second place?

Come on! Get in there!

[ children scream ]

>> local law enforcement has,

For years, turned a blind eye to

Halen's questionable exploits.

>> sheriff: well, he

A lot of money into the county.

If he's got to bend a few

Laws...Of nature to, you know,

Make a profit, well, who am I to

Say?

>> you're the sheriff, right?

>> sheriff: well [chuckles ]

Someday.

Knock on wood.

It would be a great honor to

Serve...

>> here we go.

>> give me a break.

>> sheriff: oh, shut up!

>> [ mockingly ] It'd be an

Honor...

>> sheriff: you'd be saying the

Same thing if it was you.

I guarantee it.

>> oh, you're just kissin' ass

'cause you want to be harvested

Next.

>> make me sick.

>> sheriff: he's right.

>> he loves the camera, that

Guy, don't he?

>> sheriff: winters are so tough

Out here.

Oh, no! The sleep fog!

I said too much!

Run!

>> and then there's this.

>> dan halen: anything smaller

Just doesn't give me the bounce

And volume I require!

>> mr. Halen, you call this a

"Hair dryery."

Some of your critics have

Referred to it as a global

Warmery.

>> dan halen: I'll have you know

This whole plant runs on

Clean-burning styrofoam!

>> but a whistle-blower at the

Plant told an even more

Disturbing story.

>> lil: hell, fumer ain't so

Bad.

Don't knock it till you tried

It.

Shield your eyes!

[ coughs ]

>> but there was another thing

You said.

>> lil: wha?

>> earlier.

>> lil: you mean how I like that

Movie where brian bosworth

Played a detective?

>> no. Uh, the very first thing.

>> lil: oh -- the one where

Brian bosworth is playin' a

Talkin' motorcycle, right?

The animated thing?

>> no, no.

The very first thing you said.

Remember -- it was about the

Children?

>> lil: oh -- about how everyone

Else workin' here is a bunch of

Naked kids.

It ain't such a big deal.

>> that's right -- naked

Children forced to work in

Unclothed conditions for no pay.

Do you have anything you want to

Say to the people about this?

>> dan halen: oh, melissa, those

Aren't naked children.

They're...

[ children crying ]

Listen, when I agreed to this

Interview, I was under the

Impression we'd be talking about

My charity work.

>> dan halen does have a cause

About which he feels

Passionately -- helping people

Who, like him, were born without

Knees.

>> dan halen: I never let it

Stop me from living my life.

Every morning, I get up and do

50 squat thrusts.

[ groans ]

[ straining ] One.

And so, in conclusion, don't

Allow your spirit to bend

Because your knees will not.

For I say to thee, one born

Without knees kneels before no

Man.

>> [ clapping ]

>> dan halen: thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But, on the other hand, I do

Have feet.

Who allowed this freak in here?!

Find your own charity, foot man!

>> as influential as he is,

Surprisingly little is known

About halen's past -- even by

His neighbors and employees.

>> early: yeah, I know about

Dan halen.

He was a ornery feller,

Chatterin' up in a tree all

Tauntin'-like, cheeks all puffed

Up with wally-nuts and whatnot.

I took aim at him with my pellet

Gun, blasted the tar outta him.

>> are you sure you're not

Talking about that stuffed

Squirrel over there?

>> early: oh.

Well, you might be right about

That, now.

>> is there anything you can say

About dan halen?

>> early: mm...

Um...

>> the man who's been your boss

For the past 17 years?

>> early: wally-nuts.

Blasted the hell out of it.

>> I think we've got all we're

Gonna get here.

We paid a visit to the

Dan halen archives at

Sheetrock memorial university

And were shocked at what we

Found.

Mr. Halen, take a look at this.

The chicago democratic

Convention in 1968.

>> dan halen: ah, the '60s.

I'll never forget them.

>> I believe that's you in the

Upper-left corner hitting

Someone with a chain.

>> dan halen: [ laughing ] I

Remem-- I remember I made that

Guy taste the chain.

"Taste the chain," I said again

And again, long after he was

Incapable of tasting

>> we found this in the

Archives, uh, after the invasion

Of poland.

>> dan halen: heil hitler!

Sieg heil!

We belonged to the same gym.

I suppose you'll take that image

Out of context and make it into

Something.

>> here you are in berlin in

1926.

>> dan halen: so I used to be a

Transvestite cabaret host.

You have a point with this?

>> according to our research,

Dan halen has apparently existed

Throughout recorded history.

>> dan halen:

Political prisoners during the

Medieval era.

This sacrifice led to plenty of

Rain.

The maize crop that year was

Wonderful.

I was taking the nail

I was trying to help the man.

Well, it's not like I

Fire.

So I spread some of the black

Plague.

Those egyptians were trying to

Steal precious artifacts from

The british museum.

Well, that -- that was just an

Accident.

>> mr. Halen, these pictures

Prove you're tens of thousands

Of years old.

>> dan halen: melissa --

>> what do you say to these

Charges?

>> dan halen: I don't recall.

>> you don't recall that you're

A living embodiment of evil?

>> dan halen: uh, no.

No, I don't recall that.

>> a plague on humanity from the

Beginning of time?

>> dan halen: mm...No, I

Don't -- I don't recall.

>> we have film evidence.

We have pictures.

>> dan halen: come on.

>> what could you possibly say

To these charges, mr. Halen?

>> dan halen: I'm sorry, but I'm

Not equipped to reach a

Conclusion regarding that

Assessment at this time.

And what's more, let me add that

I

Saying that.

>> mr. Hal--

>> dan halen: yes, there's no

Such thing as a free necklace.

Mmmmuckraker.

[ snaps fingers ]

>> let me just scooch this over.

Tell me more about your

Tan man body stencils.

>> dan halen: [ chuckling ] Oh,

That's a good question, melissa.

No, I-I didn't realize we were

Going to be promoting my

Products today.

>> granny: now,

Journalism -- insightful but

Extremely well-balanced.

I feel like I'm friends with the

Man.

>> early: hell of a man, that

One, givin' us these free

Necklaces the way he done.

Hell of a man.

>> lil: yeah, well, I just wish

He'd let us smoke in --

>> rusty: guess our break's

Over.

>> granny: yeah. Back to work.

>> early: hell of a man.