Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ I gave all my best years

To that woman ♪

♪ and all she gave me was mouths

To feed ♪

♪ a miracle straight from the

Loins of jesus ♪

♪ since charlie blew off

Both my testes ♪

♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> granny: [ snorts ]

[ grunts ]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, lord.

[ slurps ]

Mmm!

Chiggers!

>> rusty: whoo! Yeah!

Family-style!

>> granny: mmm. Juicy ones, too.

Rusty, fetch the freezer jars.

[ thunder crashes ]

>> rusty: look, daddy -- up in

The sky!

>> early: hell yeah!

The base is puttin' on a air

Show!

[ horse neighs ]

>> to all that I survey,

Judgment day is coming.

>> early: hell yes, it is!

Damn 'em all to kingdom come!

Whoo! Bag 'em and tag 'em!

Stack 'em and rack 'em!

>> heed the words that I say.

>> early: let god sort 'em out!

>> settle down!

>> early: america is number one!

>> all right, all right!

Please, please -- shut up!

I am

>> early: oh. I get it.

Air

Black ops.

Confound the primitive arab

Mind!

>> rusty: daddy, look -- blood

Sludge comin' out the spigot.

>> early: either this is spring

Break at p.C. Beach or we in

Some damn jamie kennedy

Experiment.

>> that is blood...

A

>> rusty: don't get no better

Than this.

>> okay, they're drinking the

Blood.

>> granny: mmm.

>> what the hell.

What the hell with the --

You know, you're just --

You're disgusting me, here.

[ clears throat ]

I am one of the four horsemen of

The apocalypse.

[ thunder crashes ]

>> early: which un?

>> pestilence.

>> rusty: what is that -- like,

Grasshoppers?

>> these are locusts with human

Faces and the tails of

Scorpions.

>> yeah, son.

We swarm all around your fat

Face --

>> granny: he's

Overcompensating.

>> hey.

One word -- apocalyptic

Horseman, fool!

>> early: war, famine, death...

And grasshoppers.

Well, now, one don't quite

Belong, does it?

[ thunder crashes ]

>> prepare for the end of days.

Consider yourself warned.

Let's get the hell out of here!

Ya!

>> granny: big man.

>> rusty: [ grunts ]

>> early: just one more, now.

>> rusty: daddy, no!

>> early: one...More.

>> rusty: no. No.

I can't, daddy.

>> early: now a twofer.

>> granny: early, you can't take

It with you.

>> early: hell,

The liquor mule is.

Jesus is gonna be so busy with

The rapture, he ain't never

Gonna look up my boy's butt.

>> rusty: what's a rupture?

>> granny: that's when all the

Good people fly out of their

Clothes straight up into heaven.

>> rusty: like superman?

>> granny: yes, but completely

Nude.

>> early: whew. Gonna be one hot

Tangle of bodies up there.

>> granny: I know you don't need

To eat or drink, 'cause I'm

Gonna be bangin' all day.

>> chosen.

>> rusty: granny?

Granny?!

>> granny: hallelujah!

I'm coming, lord.

>> rusty: look, daddy! Look!

>> granny: oh!

Put your hands out!

[ glass smashes ]

>> early: damn it!

Mind the beverages, russell!

Clench them cheeks!

>> granny: I'm afraid of

Heights, lord.

>> dan halen: damn it.

The rapture.

Science -- you fool!

[ alarm blaring ]

...And the father and the son

And the holy ghost. Amen.

"Apply liberally to agnostic

Areas and put your faith in

Him."

[ rattling ]

Praise jesus.

Praise him!

[ whoosh ]

>> are you gonna meet the lord

With that tiny [bleep]

>> sheriff: it'll look a whole

Lot bigger when we get to

Heaven.

>> dan halen: I have to say it

Was all worth it!

Screw every last one of you!

>> am I lookin' at the right

Thing?

[ "Jingle bells" plays ]

>> judgment day?

Damn.

I guess there

The season.

>> er...Everything?

>> uh...

I could maybe fold the

Anal-beads team into yo-yos,

But -- but no vibrators.

>> can't we just call them back

Massagers?

>> no.

[ exhales heavily ]

Yes.

Yes, we can make that work.

I'll call sharper image.

>> what about this, santa?

[ gun cocks ]

>> the kalashnikovs with the

Drum-type rear sight and the

Fixed stock -- oh.

God, that's a nice weapon.

Uh...

Let me hold off on that.

>> chosen.

>> santa, look! It's happening!

>> get back down here!

>> it's happening, santa!

>> you told us we have no soul.

>> you're still my slaves!

[ exhales heavily ]

Merry christmas, afghanistan.

>> rusty: goodbye, you dumbasses

That told me to study algebra.

Goodbye, patrick swayze poster.

Goodbye, truck-boat truck.

>> early: don't you worry,

Russell.

The truck-boat truck will meet

Us at the pearly gates.

It's got the gps.

>> granny: you can't bog in

Heaven.

>> early: do what?

>> granny: ain't no mud.

>> early: unh-unh.

Satan, come into me, and I will

Serve you, dark lord!

I am your vessel!

>> granny: early, no!

>> early: I got to go muddin'

One last time!

Hell, I'll repent later.

He knows my heart.

>> rusty: wait, daddy! No!

I want to stay with you!

>> early: then touch your damn

Wiener!

>> rusty: aaaaaaaah!

>> oh, my goodness!

The rapture -- at last!

>> well. What's goin' on with

All these people flyin' around?

>> you might want to step aside

As I fly forth into the heavens,

Hmm?

Jesus will want me quickly.

[ chuckles ]

Might take your arm clean off,

Boy.

>> excuse me.

You do what you got to do.

>> [ chuckles ]

Any minute now.

>> I'm prayin' for you,

Reverend.

>> yeah.

A little further back, boy.

>> oh, sorry. Sorry.

>> chosen.

>> ooh!

Whoo! Howdy do dang!

It's just like you said, rev.

>> yeah, well, it's our time,

Boy.

We're coming home.

[ laughs ]

[ groans ]

>> well, this is awkward.

If you wouldn't mind, would you

Lock up the store?

Here's the keys.

>> chosen.

>> oh! Come on!

>> 4,398.

4,399.

>> dan halen: [ chuckles ]

>> 4,400, and that's it.

Peter, we're all full.

>> sheriff: w-wait a minute.

What about me?

>> I'm sorry. 4,400 is the cut.

Why don't you hang outside

Here -- you know, with the

Babies who can't get in because

They weren't baptized?

>> sheriff: but wait --

>> why don't you just wait until

Monday?

Things might open up a little

Bit.

People might reject heavenly

Paradise.

Yeah. You never know.

>> sheriff: but you brought me

Up here.

I mean, you know, it's not like

I hitched a ride.

>> I'm sorry.

It

>> my high-school buddy.

Thank you, jesus.

>> monday, right?

[ door slams, echoes ]

>> lift with your wings.

>> [ shrieks ]

>> early: how's it look, boy?

Are we clear?

>> rusty: yeah, we clear.

I think that sumbitch is gone.

>> early: all right, then.

Let's roll.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Two, four...

Eight.

Oh!

You left a damn subwoofer

Behind!

What's the point in stealin'

Fine-ass speakers if you ain't

Got that fine-ass rich bass?

>> [ crying ]

Why did he reject me?

He even took the mexicans, for

Goodness' sake.

They can't even pray in english.

>> early: aw, cheer up,

Reverend.

Come on, now.

Have a flat-screen.

>> rusty: hey, look at this

Shirt.

$4 at old navy, but it's free on

The street.

Whoo!

>> early: russell, mute your

"Whoos," boy.

There's a seven-headed beast

Afoot.

>> rusty: whoo-hoo!

>> early: there you go.

>> why have you forsaken me,

Lord?!

>> early: shh. Shh.

Reverend, the beast!

>> don't you shush me! I say --

>> [ shrieks ]

>> granny: oh, come on.

I thought I was gonna be young

Again.

>> [ sighs ]

I don't know where people are

Getting this.

Believe me.

Look, I would love to be back in

My prime.

It's not happening.

>> granny: so, where's my

Virgins?

>> that's actually a muslim

Thing.

>> granny: well...

How about

Lord?

Take me, with that big boomin'

Voice of yours.

>> what?

>> granny: [ sniffs ]

Mmm. Smells like olives.

>> excuse me?

>> granny: come on.

Make me look like dolly parton.

Make me look however you want.

I don't care.

A dog, anything, an old tire.

What turns you on?

>> no!

>> granny: this is heaven.

I ain't supposed to get rejected

In heaven.

>> but, granny, if I have sex

With you, it's not heaven for

[ thunder crashes ]

>> who turned on the rapture?

>> you told me to.

>> that was a parable, son.

We've been over this.

>> how is "Yes, thursday --

Whatever" a parable?

>> I don't know.

It was probably one of satan's

Tricks.

The guy's always messing with

Us.

After all, we're decimated by

Injuries.

>> you say that whenever you

Don't listen to me.

You never listen!

>> granny: see anything you

Like?

>> [ slurps ]

>> what's the safe word?

>> early: [ laughs ]

Man, them jews is funny.

>> rusty: hey, man, what's this

Speaker for?

>> early: that there is the

Back-left tweeter -- you know,

Supportin'-character dialogue.

>> rusty: how come I don't hear

Nothin'?

>> early: well, q's a main

Character, ain't he?

And that comes out of the front

Main.

>> rusty: q ain't the

Character.

James bond is the one --

>> early: obviously james bond

Is a main character, damn it!

>> guys, guys.

Guys, you're killing the vibe in

Here.

That speaker's only for dialogue

Coming from behind, and you guys

Have it routed through the

Subwoofer somehow, which is

Blowing off all the highs, which

I'm not even gonna get into that

With you right now.

Just give me 15 minutes.

I'll work on it.

>> who even cares?

Life is merely a fantasy draped

In confusion.

The curtain is yanked back from

The charade!

[ knock on door ]

>> early: would you grab my

Skull bong from the reverend,

Please?

>> sheriff: yeah.

Uh, rapture got, uh, called off.

Uh, early...

[ clears throat ]

You think we might be able to

Borrow some clothes, here?

>> early: here you go.

Outdated laptop -- cover them

Things with that.

>> sheriff: wait, early.

What are you watchin' in there?

Is that, uh...

>> early: "Shrek 2."