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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ somehow I got spinal
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Meningitis ♪
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♪ injectin' all that hair spray
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In my spine ♪
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♪ it's a super-cheap way
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To party ♪
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♪ if you aim to kill some brain
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Cells and some time ♪
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Good luck gettin' that
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Child-support check from me
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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>> rusty: ow! Damn!
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>> granny: mm-hmm.
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He's ripe, all right.
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The time be nigh!
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>> rusty: time for what?
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>> early: to take you down to
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The jiggle hut, have old trixie
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Flip you over and give you your
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First tuscaloosa dumpling.
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>> early: oh, all right.
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That's good. I like dumplings.
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>> early: it ain't food, boy.
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>> rusty: huh?
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>> granny: it's a revolting, yet
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Arousing act of sexual
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Perversion/rite of passage.
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>> early: we think.
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>> rusty: you think?
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>> granny: nobody knows for
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Sure.
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>> early: except lil.
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She invented it.
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>> lil: yeah, it's a twist on
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The classic cherokee chin strap.
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You top it off with a montgomery
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Monkey tail, and then you finish
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Her with a gravy chaser.
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>> early: now, wait a minute.
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I always thought it was when a
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Man gives the woman a little
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Memphis mouthwash.
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And simultaneously, she
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Administers the birmingham
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Blister right on the bridge of
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His nose.
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>> granny: biloxi blister.
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>> early: birmingham, biloxi --
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Same thing.
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>> granny: well, I'm from the
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Old school, where it is not the
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Same thing.
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>> early: you don't know.
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>> lil: it's the same damn
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Thing.
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>> granny: if you don't see a
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Little cartilage, you ain't in
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Biloxi.
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>> early: wait, look.
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>> granny: and I'm sorry, but
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Birmingham ain't no fun for
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Nobody.
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>> rusty: daddy, I don't think I
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Want one of them tuscaloosa --
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>> early: come on, now, boy.
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You show me you a man, and we'll
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Get you that tattoo finished.
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>> rusty: t-that's all right.
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I didn't really want this
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Tattoo --
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>> early: I told you, boy, it
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Ain't brooks & dunn without
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Ronnie dunn.
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>> rusty: all right, then.
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Let's go get me that dumpling.
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>> early: whoa-ho-ho-ho, big
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Man.
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He's just gonna go get that
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Dumpling now, like he got a
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Birthright to it.
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"Look at me, granny.
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I'm gonna have me a job and
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Respect from my peers just
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'cause I say so."
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>> granny: oh, russell, you're
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So stupid and sweet.
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>> early: you got to earn this,
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Boy.
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You understand me?
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>> rusty: I don't think I
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Understand a word you said.
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>> early: I don't prefer that
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You do -- all my musings and my
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Ramblings.
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>> granny: now is the time for
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The trials.
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>> early: to the woods for the
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Inquisitations!
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>> [ roaring ]
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>> rusty: wait a minute, now.
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Thought you was gonna ask me
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Some inquisitations.
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>> early: no, I just said
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"Inquisitations" 'cause I
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Couldn't think of that word what
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Means "Rassle a bear."
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>> granny: "Wrestle"?
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>> early: yeah, that's it.
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Now, you put yourself that
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Salmon hat on and rassle the
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Hell out of that bear!
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>> [ roaring ]
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>> rusty: hey, now, how am I
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Supposed to kill this bear with
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No damn weapons?
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>> early: hmm.
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I wonder...What would a
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>> rusty: hot damn, daddy.
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You defeated a bear?
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>> early: nope, bought this here
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In gatlinburg, right after I
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Seen the three-headed baby out
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There at ripley's, with the
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Crooked room with the marble
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What rolls upwards.
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>> rusty: marbles that roll
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Upwards?
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But how?
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>> early: manhood is confusin',
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Son.
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>> rusty: I want to go to
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Gatlinburg!
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>> early: then you must rassle
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The bear!
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[ bell dings ]
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>> granny: soak it in, boys.
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And I ain't doin' nothin' after
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This.
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>> early: wild bear!
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>> [ roaring ]
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>> early: rusty!
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>> rusty: uh, actually, daddy --
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>> early: fight!
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[ bell dings ]
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>> rusty: hyah!
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[ groaning ]
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[ muffled ] I don't want to
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Fight a bear!
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>> early: advantage -- bear.
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Two points.
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>> rusty: what's that?
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>> granny: all right.
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You won that round.
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He's pretty much dead.
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But that is no time to get
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Overconfident.
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Here, take some water.
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>> early: bear wins by
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Digestion!
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[ bell dings ]
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>> granny: yeah, boy, I told you
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We could kick that old squid.
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Oh, wait a minute.
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What's wrong, kid?
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Talk to me.
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Oh, no, don't do this.
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>> rusty: I did it, daddy!
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>> early: oh, hell!
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I raised him from a cub!
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>> granny: our precious,
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Precious dennis.
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>> early: no, dennis, no!
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>> granny: but how did you do
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It?
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>> rusty: I reckon it's my
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Dippy dan hair gel from china --
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80% lead.
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That's how I get that sculpted
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Look.
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>> early: oh, hell. Dennis...
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>> rusty: hey, ain't now the
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Time I get me my tuscaloosa
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Dumpling?
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>> early: this proves nothin'!
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The mere boast of a child!
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>> granny: more inquisitations!
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[ sitar music plays ]
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>> early: in this hand, I clutch
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The feather of a cock.
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[ music continues ]
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Granny, shut the hell up.
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>> granny: ohh...
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I just learned that.
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>> early: in this hand, I clutch
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The feather of a cock -- in this
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One, a shiny ingot of gold.
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I ask thee, which will fall
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Faster?
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>> rusty: the ingot.
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>> early: well, let's just doth
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See about that.
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[ crash, car alarm blares ]
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>> rusty: looks like I was
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Right.
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>> early: 'bout what?
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>> rusty: about the ingot fell
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First.
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>> early: my -- my gold ingot?
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My nugget from gatlinburg?
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Where the hell is it?!
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>> rusty: down there, where you
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Damn threw it.
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>> early: oh, no!
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What could have possessed me?
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Go and get it, boy!
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>> rusty: is this part of the
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Inquisitation?
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>> early: it's part of my look.
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I wear it on fridays with my
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Pink muscle tee I got at
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Myrtle -- airbrushed image of me
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Cresting a dune on a four-wheel
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Atv, my head all way bigger than
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My body, which I always thought
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Was funny.
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>> granny: how fast will it
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Fall?
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>> early: we're 'bout to find
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Out.
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Time it.
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No, wait! Damn it!
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My accessories!
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I guess I ain't goin' out
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Tonight.
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>> rusty: wait, daddy, your
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Headwear!
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>> early: it don't matter now!
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Life is a jive fallacy.
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Everything is temporary.
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>> rusty: no, no! Wait, daddy!
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Ain't we gonna go get me one of
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Them tuscaloosa dumplings?
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>> early: oh.
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Oh, yeah.
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Sounds good.
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Now, you go on, boy.
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Bust a nut.
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>> rusty: what, here?
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Right now?
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>> early: right now...
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In granny's mouth.
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>> granny: it's a family
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Tradition.
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>> early: now hand me the nut
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Meat.
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Do it again.
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>> granny: ow!
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>> early: and again and again
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Until my belly is sated.
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>> granny: ow!
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>> early: you have passed this
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Trial.
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Ain't much of a trial.
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More of a snack, really.
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>> granny: well, I think we
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Should take this trial out.
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Ow!
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>> early: the trial stays.
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All right, son, this here is a
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Ancient cherokee sweat lodge,
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Where we is about to commune
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With the spirits about your
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Manhood.
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>> rusty: uh, daddy --
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>> early: oh, great spirits,
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Rain your wisdom from the sky.
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>> rusty: daddy, this is the
284
00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:25,006
Unisex bathroom at the
285
00:06:25,008 --> 00:06:27,009
Sip 'n' strut.
286
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:29,017
>> early: oh. So it is.
287
00:06:29,019 --> 00:06:32,005
I am drunker than hell.
288
00:06:32,007 --> 00:06:33,028
Drive me home, son.
289
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,008
[ horns honking, tires screech ]
290
00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:37,027
[ both shouting indistinctly ]
291
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,028
[ siren wailing ]
292
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,016
I make this laws on this damn
293
00:06:40,018 --> 00:06:41,001
Road.
294
00:06:41,003 --> 00:06:42,023
Aw, hell. Here we go.
295
00:06:46,029 --> 00:06:48,016
How you doin' there, sheriff?
296
00:06:48,018 --> 00:06:49,013
Get behind the wheel.
297
00:06:49,015 --> 00:06:50,007
You don't know me.
298
00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:51,002
You ain't seen me.
299
00:06:51,004 --> 00:06:52,003
I'm down here passed out.
300
00:06:52,005 --> 00:06:53,009
>> rusty: oh, hey, sheriff.
301
00:06:53,011 --> 00:06:54,001
How you doin'?
302
00:06:54,003 --> 00:06:55,010
It's a nice day tonight, isn't
303
00:06:55,012 --> 00:06:55,019
It?
304
00:06:55,021 --> 00:06:56,026
>> sheriff: license and
305
00:06:56,028 --> 00:06:58,001
Registration, please.
306
00:06:58,003 --> 00:06:59,008
>> early: changin' lanes
307
00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:00,001
Illegal now?
308
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,014
Hell, I made the hand signal.
309
00:07:01,016 --> 00:07:03,000
I got another one for you, too,
310
00:07:03,002 --> 00:07:04,002
You smart off at me.
311
00:07:04,004 --> 00:07:05,017
>> sheriff: aw, come on, guys.
312
00:07:05,019 --> 00:07:06,006
[ chuckles ]
313
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,012
Humor me a little, will ya?
314
00:07:07,014 --> 00:07:08,018
They put a camera on the car
315
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,025
'cause I ain't hit my quotas.
316
00:07:09,027 --> 00:07:11,005
>> rusty: why, sheriff, I don't
317
00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:12,006
Know what to give you.
318
00:07:12,008 --> 00:07:13,006
I'm underage, and he's
319
00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:13,023
Suspended.
320
00:07:13,025 --> 00:07:15,009
>> early: how 'bout I suspend my
321
00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:16,019
Tax dollars from payin' your
322
00:07:16,021 --> 00:07:17,015
Piss-poor salary?
323
00:07:17,017 --> 00:07:18,017
How do you like that?
324
00:07:18,019 --> 00:07:19,021
>> sheriff: look, guys, just
325
00:07:19,023 --> 00:07:20,014
Hand me somethin'.
326
00:07:20,016 --> 00:07:22,009
>> early: here's my I.D. --
327
00:07:22,011 --> 00:07:26,012
My I.D. [idea] Of a good time.
328
00:07:26,014 --> 00:07:28,004
>> sheriff: okay, accordin' to
329
00:07:28,006 --> 00:07:30,000
This diet-beer can you've handed
330
00:07:30,002 --> 00:07:31,025
Me, there's only 70 calories per
331
00:07:31,027 --> 00:07:32,026
Serving.
332
00:07:32,028 --> 00:07:35,021
Wait right here for a minute.
333
00:07:35,023 --> 00:07:37,022
[ police radio chatter ]
334
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,023
[ chuckles ]
335
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:42,023
Damn, they're crazy.
336
00:07:42,025 --> 00:07:43,021
>> early: oh, great.
337
00:07:43,023 --> 00:07:44,023
This is gonna drive our
338
00:07:44,025 --> 00:07:46,005
Insurance premiums right through
339
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:46,027
The damn roof.
340
00:07:46,029 --> 00:07:48,001
>> rusty: I ain't got no
341
00:07:48,003 --> 00:07:50,003
Insurance.
342
00:07:50,005 --> 00:07:53,025
>> early: [ belches ] Good.
343
00:07:53,027 --> 00:07:55,008
>> sheriff: okay, gentlemen.
344
00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:56,024
Everything seems to check out.
345
00:07:56,026 --> 00:07:58,007
All right, y'all remember to
346
00:07:58,009 --> 00:07:59,014
Fasten your seat belts.
347
00:07:59,016 --> 00:08:01,002
And, early, I want to remind you
348
00:08:01,004 --> 00:08:03,004
To stay at least 150 feet away
349
00:08:03,006 --> 00:08:04,012
From that woman.
350
00:08:04,014 --> 00:08:05,012
>> early: what woman?
351
00:08:05,014 --> 00:08:06,016
>> sheriff: oh, come on.
352
00:08:06,018 --> 00:08:07,018
[ chuckles ]
353
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,020
You know exactly what woman.
354
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:12,029
>> early: ooh.
355
00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:14,027
You lookin' fine.
356
00:08:14,029 --> 00:08:15,016
[ door slams ]
357
00:08:15,018 --> 00:08:17,029
All right, now
358
00:08:18,001 --> 00:08:20,027
[ doorbell rings ]
359
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:21,021
Do it again.
360
00:08:21,023 --> 00:08:23,005
Maybe she's runnin' her hot,
361
00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:24,019
Sexy bath and don't hear the
362
00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:25,002
Bell.
363
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,024
[ doorbell rings ]
364
00:08:27,026 --> 00:08:29,005
She'll come.
365
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:30,018
She wants it.
366
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:33,004
[ doorbell rings ]
367
00:08:33,006 --> 00:08:34,026
[ doorbell rings ]
368
00:08:34,028 --> 00:08:36,011
Sometimes you got to just keep
369
00:08:36,013 --> 00:08:37,023
Doin' it till somebody loses
370
00:08:37,025 --> 00:08:38,011
Patience.
371
00:08:38,013 --> 00:08:42,008
[ doorbell rings ]
372
00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:44,023
You're lookin' fine in there!
373
00:08:44,025 --> 00:08:46,017
You naked under that --
374
00:08:46,019 --> 00:08:48,009
Ooh.
375
00:08:48,011 --> 00:08:49,005
You damn bitch!
376
00:08:49,007 --> 00:08:50,019
You know I'm the one for you!
377
00:08:50,021 --> 00:08:52,001
Your man ain't nothin' but a
378
00:08:52,003 --> 00:08:53,022
Seat warmer.
379
00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:55,015
>> it's that squid from work.
380
00:08:55,017 --> 00:08:56,013
You know him?
381
00:08:56,015 --> 00:08:57,000
>> no.
382
00:08:57,002 --> 00:08:58,004
>> do you love him?
383
00:08:58,006 --> 00:08:59,019
Answer me. Do you love him?
384
00:08:59,021 --> 00:09:00,020
>> he's stalking me.
385
00:09:00,022 --> 00:09:02,006
Remember the guy that filled our
386
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,017
Mailbox with dead squirrels?
387
00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:04,021
>> oh, is that him?
388
00:09:04,023 --> 00:09:06,010
He's always asking about you,
389
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:07,027
Looking at the picture on my
390
00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:09,011
Desk, asking me what color
391
00:09:09,013 --> 00:09:11,006
Panties you wear and what you
392
00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:14,017
Smell like and to describe that.
393
00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:15,014
I should've known.
394
00:09:15,016 --> 00:09:16,020
>> I thought he was fired.
395
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:18,000
>> no, in order to get fired,
396
00:09:18,002 --> 00:09:19,012
You got to be written up three
397
00:09:19,014 --> 00:09:20,016
Times, and then that's a
398
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,019
Reprimand, and then two
399
00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:23,002
Reprimands, you got to meet with
400
00:09:23,004 --> 00:09:24,023
H.R. And attend a sensitivity
401
00:09:24,025 --> 00:09:25,015
Seminar...
402
00:09:25,017 --> 00:09:26,011
[ glass breaks ]
403
00:09:26,013 --> 00:09:27,013
...Which is voluntary.
404
00:09:27,015 --> 00:09:28,026
>> early: ball's in your court.
405
00:09:28,028 --> 00:09:30,017
[ doorbell ringing ]
406
00:09:30,019 --> 00:09:33,004
[ ringing weakens ]
407
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,008
[ electricity buzzes ]
408
00:09:35,010 --> 00:09:36,011
>> rusty: daddy, the doorbell's
409
00:09:36,013 --> 00:09:36,020
Dead.
410
00:09:36,022 --> 00:09:37,021
>> early: make the sound with
411
00:09:37,023 --> 00:09:38,006
Your mouth.
412
00:09:38,008 --> 00:09:39,010
>> rusty: but they can't hear --
413
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,011
>> early: make the sound with
414
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,010
Your mouth!
415
00:09:41,012 --> 00:09:45,001
>> rusty: d-dingdong!
416
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:47,016
Dingdong!
417
00:09:47,018 --> 00:09:48,027
>> early: go on, do it again.
418
00:09:48,029 --> 00:09:51,000
>> rusty: dingdong!
419
00:09:51,002 --> 00:09:52,016
>> early: now shove this dead
420
00:09:52,018 --> 00:09:54,002
Squirrel in the mail slot.
421
00:09:54,004 --> 00:09:55,024
It'll fit.
422
00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:00,028
The stalkin' is complete!
423
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,012
You been stalked by a
424
00:10:02,014 --> 00:10:03,001
This day!
425
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,003
>> rusty: hell yeah!
426
00:10:04,005 --> 00:10:05,013
>> early:
427
00:10:05,015 --> 00:10:06,029
He done run your doorbell dry,
428
00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:08,005
And he
429
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:09,019
>> rusty: and I'm gonna
430
00:10:09,021 --> 00:10:10,028
You, too, or no one will.
431
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,021
>> early: strut it out, son.
432
00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:14,015
You've earned the rank of "Man."
433
00:10:14,017 --> 00:10:16,008
And thus, you are to receive
434
00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:18,006
Your first tuscaloosa dumpling.
435
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:19,008
>> rusty: oh, yeah, baby!
436
00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:20,014
>> early: oh, we'll be back.
437
00:10:20,016 --> 00:10:22,000
We ain't done with this.
438
00:10:22,002 --> 00:10:24,026
You are fine.
439
00:10:24,028 --> 00:10:26,006
>> call me.
440
00:10:26,008 --> 00:10:28,021
[ dance music plays ]
441
00:10:28,023 --> 00:10:29,027
>> rusty: has it started?
442
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,024
Am I pleasin' her?
443
00:10:30,026 --> 00:10:32,001
I don't want to be no selfish
444
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:32,018
Lover, now.
445
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,020
>> early: you sit here.
446
00:10:33,022 --> 00:10:35,023
I got to negotiate.
447
00:10:38,025 --> 00:10:40,005
>> rusty: w-what do I do next,
448
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:40,018
Daddy?
449
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:42,001
>> early: go on to the kitchen.
450
00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:43,000
Ask for juan pablo.
451
00:10:43,002 --> 00:10:44,012
And you gonna wash up all them
452
00:10:44,014 --> 00:10:45,004
Buffet dishes.
453
00:10:45,006 --> 00:10:46,010
>> rusty: then I'm a man?
454
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,021
>> early: and then you a big,
455
00:10:47,023 --> 00:10:49,008
Big man.
456
00:10:49,010 --> 00:10:51,003
Come on, now, thunder buns.
457
00:10:51,005 --> 00:10:53,005
Whoo! The dumpling is mine!
28201
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