Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ somehow I got spinal

Meningitis ♪

♪ injectin' all that hair spray

In my spine ♪

♪ it's a super-cheap way

To party ♪

♪ if you aim to kill some brain

Cells and some time ♪

Good luck gettin' that

Child-support check from me

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> rusty: ow! Damn!

>> granny: mm-hmm.

He's ripe, all right.

The time be nigh!

>> rusty: time for what?

>> early: to take you down to

The jiggle hut, have old trixie

Flip you over and give you your

First tuscaloosa dumpling.

>> early: oh, all right.

That's good. I like dumplings.

>> early: it ain't food, boy.

>> rusty: huh?

>> granny: it's a revolting, yet

Arousing act of sexual

Perversion/rite of passage.

>> early: we think.

>> rusty: you think?

>> granny: nobody knows for

Sure.

>> early: except lil.

She invented it.

>> lil: yeah, it's a twist on

The classic cherokee chin strap.

You top it off with a montgomery

Monkey tail, and then you finish

Her with a gravy chaser.

>> early: now, wait a minute.

I always thought it was when a

Man gives the woman a little

Memphis mouthwash.

And simultaneously, she

Administers the birmingham

Blister right on the bridge of

His nose.

>> granny: biloxi blister.

>> early: birmingham, biloxi --

Same thing.

>> granny: well, I'm from the

Old school, where it is not the

Same thing.

>> early: you don't know.

>> lil: it's the same damn

Thing.

>> granny: if you don't see a

Little cartilage, you ain't in

Biloxi.

>> early: wait, look.

>> granny: and I'm sorry, but

Birmingham ain't no fun for

Nobody.

>> rusty: daddy, I don't think I

Want one of them tuscaloosa --

>> early: come on, now, boy.

You show me you a man, and we'll

Get you that tattoo finished.

>> rusty: t-that's all right.

I didn't really want this

Tattoo --

>> early: I told you, boy, it

Ain't brooks & dunn without

Ronnie dunn.

>> rusty: all right, then.

Let's go get me that dumpling.

>> early: whoa-ho-ho-ho, big

Man.

He's just gonna go get that

Dumpling now, like he got a

Birthright to it.

"Look at me, granny.

I'm gonna have me a job and

Respect from my peers just

'cause I say so."

>> granny: oh, russell, you're

So stupid and sweet.

>> early: you got to earn this,

Boy.

You understand me?

>> rusty: I don't think I

Understand a word you said.

>> early: I don't prefer that

You do -- all my musings and my

Ramblings.

>> granny: now is the time for

The trials.

>> early: to the woods for the

Inquisitations!

>> [ roaring ]

>> rusty: wait a minute, now.

Thought you was gonna ask me

Some inquisitations.

>> early: no, I just said

"Inquisitations" 'cause I

Couldn't think of that word what

Means "Rassle a bear."

>> granny: "Wrestle"?

>> early: yeah, that's it.

Now, you put yourself that

Salmon hat on and rassle the

Hell out of that bear!

>> [ roaring ]

>> rusty: hey, now, how am I

Supposed to kill this bear with

No damn weapons?

>> early: hmm.

I wonder...What would a

>> rusty: hot damn, daddy.

You defeated a bear?

>> early: nope, bought this here

In gatlinburg, right after I

Seen the three-headed baby out

There at ripley's, with the

Crooked room with the marble

What rolls upwards.

>> rusty: marbles that roll

Upwards?

But how?

>> early: manhood is confusin',

Son.

>> rusty: I want to go to

Gatlinburg!

>> early: then you must rassle

The bear!

[ bell dings ]

>> granny: soak it in, boys.

And I ain't doin' nothin' after

This.

>> early: wild bear!

>> [ roaring ]

>> early: rusty!

>> rusty: uh, actually, daddy --

>> early: fight!

[ bell dings ]

>> rusty: hyah!

[ groaning ]

[ muffled ] I don't want to

Fight a bear!

>> early: advantage -- bear.

Two points.

>> rusty: what's that?

>> granny: all right.

You won that round.

He's pretty much dead.

But that is no time to get

Overconfident.

Here, take some water.

>> early: bear wins by

Digestion!

[ bell dings ]

>> granny: yeah, boy, I told you

We could kick that old squid.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's wrong, kid?

Talk to me.

Oh, no, don't do this.

>> rusty: I did it, daddy!

>> early: oh, hell!

I raised him from a cub!

>> granny: our precious,

Precious dennis.

>> early: no, dennis, no!

>> granny: but how did you do

It?

>> rusty: I reckon it's my

Dippy dan hair gel from china --

80% lead.

That's how I get that sculpted

Look.

>> early: oh, hell. Dennis...

>> rusty: hey, ain't now the

Time I get me my tuscaloosa

Dumpling?

>> early: this proves nothin'!

The mere boast of a child!

>> granny: more inquisitations!

[ sitar music plays ]

>> early: in this hand, I clutch

The feather of a cock.

[ music continues ]

Granny, shut the hell up.

>> granny: ohh...

I just learned that.

>> early: in this hand, I clutch

The feather of a cock -- in this

One, a shiny ingot of gold.

I ask thee, which will fall

Faster?

>> rusty: the ingot.

>> early: well, let's just doth

See about that.

[ crash, car alarm blares ]

>> rusty: looks like I was

Right.

>> early: 'bout what?

>> rusty: about the ingot fell

First.

>> early: my -- my gold ingot?

My nugget from gatlinburg?

Where the hell is it?!

>> rusty: down there, where you

Damn threw it.

>> early: oh, no!

What could have possessed me?

Go and get it, boy!

>> rusty: is this part of the

Inquisitation?

>> early: it's part of my look.

I wear it on fridays with my

Pink muscle tee I got at

Myrtle -- airbrushed image of me

Cresting a dune on a four-wheel

Atv, my head all way bigger than

My body, which I always thought

Was funny.

>> granny: how fast will it

Fall?

>> early: we're 'bout to find

Out.

Time it.

No, wait! Damn it!

My accessories!

I guess I ain't goin' out

Tonight.

>> rusty: wait, daddy, your

Headwear!

>> early: it don't matter now!

Life is a jive fallacy.

Everything is temporary.

>> rusty: no, no! Wait, daddy!

Ain't we gonna go get me one of

Them tuscaloosa dumplings?

>> early: oh.

Oh, yeah.

Sounds good.

Now, you go on, boy.

Bust a nut.

>> rusty: what, here?

Right now?

>> early: right now...

In granny's mouth.

>> granny: it's a family

Tradition.

>> early: now hand me the nut

Meat.

Do it again.

>> granny: ow!

>> early: and again and again

Until my belly is sated.

>> granny: ow!

>> early: you have passed this

Trial.

Ain't much of a trial.

More of a snack, really.

>> granny: well, I think we

Should take this trial out.

Ow!

>> early: the trial stays.

All right, son, this here is a

Ancient cherokee sweat lodge,

Where we is about to commune

With the spirits about your

Manhood.

>> rusty: uh, daddy --

>> early: oh, great spirits,

Rain your wisdom from the sky.

>> rusty: daddy, this is the

Unisex bathroom at the

Sip 'n' strut.

>> early: oh. So it is.

I am drunker than hell.

Drive me home, son.

[ horns honking, tires screech ]

[ both shouting indistinctly ]

[ siren wailing ]

I make this laws on this damn

Road.

Aw, hell. Here we go.

How you doin' there, sheriff?

Get behind the wheel.

You don't know me.

You ain't seen me.

I'm down here passed out.

>> rusty: oh, hey, sheriff.

How you doin'?

It's a nice day tonight, isn't

It?

>> sheriff: license and

Registration, please.

>> early: changin' lanes

Illegal now?

Hell, I made the hand signal.

I got another one for you, too,

You smart off at me.

>> sheriff: aw, come on, guys.

[ chuckles ]

Humor me a little, will ya?

They put a camera on the car

'cause I ain't hit my quotas.

>> rusty: why, sheriff, I don't

Know what to give you.

I'm underage, and he's

Suspended.

>> early: how 'bout I suspend my

Tax dollars from payin' your

Piss-poor salary?

How do you like that?

>> sheriff: look, guys, just

Hand me somethin'.

>> early: here's my I.D. --

My I.D. [idea] Of a good time.

>> sheriff: okay, accordin' to

This diet-beer can you've handed

Me, there's only 70 calories per

Serving.

Wait right here for a minute.

[ police radio chatter ]

[ chuckles ]

Damn, they're crazy.

>> early: oh, great.

This is gonna drive our

Insurance premiums right through

The damn roof.

>> rusty: I ain't got no

Insurance.

>> early: [ belches ] Good.

>> sheriff: okay, gentlemen.

Everything seems to check out.

All right, y'all remember to

Fasten your seat belts.

And, early, I want to remind you

To stay at least 150 feet away

From that woman.

>> early: what woman?

>> sheriff: oh, come on.

[ chuckles ]

You know exactly what woman.

>> early: ooh.

You lookin' fine.

[ door slams ]

All right, now

[ doorbell rings ]

Do it again.

Maybe she's runnin' her hot,

Sexy bath and don't hear the

Bell.

[ doorbell rings ]

She'll come.

She wants it.

[ doorbell rings ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Sometimes you got to just keep

Doin' it till somebody loses

Patience.

[ doorbell rings ]

You're lookin' fine in there!

You naked under that --

Ooh.

You damn bitch!

You know I'm the one for you!

Your man ain't nothin' but a

Seat warmer.

>> it's that squid from work.

You know him?

>> no.

>> do you love him?

Answer me. Do you love him?

>> he's stalking me.

Remember the guy that filled our

Mailbox with dead squirrels?

>> oh, is that him?

He's always asking about you,

Looking at the picture on my

Desk, asking me what color

Panties you wear and what you

Smell like and to describe that.

I should've known.

>> I thought he was fired.

>> no, in order to get fired,

You got to be written up three

Times, and then that's a

Reprimand, and then two

Reprimands, you got to meet with

H.R. And attend a sensitivity

Seminar...

[ glass breaks ]

...Which is voluntary.

>> early: ball's in your court.

[ doorbell ringing ]

[ ringing weakens ]

[ electricity buzzes ]

>> rusty: daddy, the doorbell's

Dead.

>> early: make the sound with

Your mouth.

>> rusty: but they can't hear --

>> early: make the sound with

Your mouth!

>> rusty: d-dingdong!

Dingdong!

>> early: go on, do it again.

>> rusty: dingdong!

>> early: now shove this dead

Squirrel in the mail slot.

It'll fit.

The stalkin' is complete!

You been stalked by a

This day!

>> rusty: hell yeah!

>> early:

He done run your doorbell dry,

And he

>> rusty: and I'm gonna

You, too, or no one will.

>> early: strut it out, son.

You've earned the rank of "Man."

And thus, you are to receive

Your first tuscaloosa dumpling.

>> rusty: oh, yeah, baby!

>> early: oh, we'll be back.

We ain't done with this.

You are fine.

>> call me.

[ dance music plays ]

>> rusty: has it started?

Am I pleasin' her?

I don't want to be no selfish

Lover, now.

>> early: you sit here.

I got to negotiate.

>> rusty: w-what do I do next,

Daddy?

>> early: go on to the kitchen.

Ask for juan pablo.

And you gonna wash up all them

Buffet dishes.

>> rusty: then I'm a man?

>> early: and then you a big,

Big man.

Come on, now, thunder buns.

Whoo! The dumpling is mine!