Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my

Property ♪

♪ don't care if the bank gave

You a deed ♪

♪ this farm's been cuyler land

For generations ♪

♪ since we beat back them sneaky

Japanese ♪

♪ in the war of 1812 ♪

Bring our boys home.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

Oh, not again!

Damn it!

>> granny: I've got to get out.

>> rusty: my book of memories!

>> early: now, now, just leave

It, son.

Keep 'em in your heart.

You know, like that time we went

To rat world down orlando way.

>> rusty: you ain't never took

Me to rat world.

>> early: and ain't no proof of

That now.

You can't neither confirm nor

Deny how I sacrificed for you

Youngers.

>> granny: ugh!

I grabbed this one as I jumped

Out the window.

I know how much you love this

Picture.

>> rusty: I always enjoyed them

Tennis times we had with that

Family what came with the photo

Album.

>> early: them was fun times we

Had -- with that black family

What played tennis all the time.

>> granny: I think the dad

Pushes them girls too hard.

Sure, they're successful...

But are they really happy?

[ boom ]

>> rusty: oh, god! Aunt lil!

>> early: that dumb bitch!

I'm goin' in!

[ crashing ]

>> granny: now, where's bill?

[ crash ]

>> early: my university of

Georgia 1980 national

Championship special-edition

Junkyard dog red soda.

>> granny: thank you, sweet

Lord.

He saved the soda.

>> rusty: what about aunt lil?

>> early: you're right.

Where is she?

[ whoosh ]

My pillow-top mattress!

>> granny: get the pillow-top!

>> sheriff: and you're callin'

This the, uh...

Pillow-top mattress?

>> early: was.

The fire reducted it to a pile

Of pine straw soaked in

Kerosene.

Massage remote was a total loss.

Ruined!

>> sheriff: all right.

"Bad company -- '10 from 6'

Tape."

>> early: cassette -- dolby.

>> sheriff: dol...By.

All right.

I think that wraps it up.

>> granny: ah-ha-hem!

>> sheriff: okay.

Wow.

You had the original bones of

Cale yarborough?

>> early: and the tragedy is, I

Never got to share 'em with you.

>> sheriff: actually, early, I

Think cale yarborough's still

Alive.

>> early: that's 'cause he

Wasn't here in this fire.

Fire consumes every damn thing.

>> sheriff: o...Kay.

"One hope diamond."

>> early: on display briefly,

Yes.

>> sheriff: all right, now, that

Should be around here somewhere.

Flames won't burn a diamond.

>> early: flames may have shot

It somewhere like a rocket.

Sheriff, I don't know.

Hell, I ain't no fireman.

>> sheriff: "The hope diamond."

Well, at least little rusty's

Science-fair project survived

All this.

>> rusty: ain't that the meth

Lab?

>> early: project!

And its effect on the growth of

Nearby marijuana plants.

Yes, let's move on right over

Here.

>> lil: the drive-through window

Will be open by 6:00.

Come on back then.

>> sheriff: okay.

"Eight or nine ski-doos"?

>> granny: 10.

>> early: no, no, no -- 12.

>> granny: 15!

>> early: 12, now.

>> granny: got 12. He's right.

It's 12.

>> early: and top-of-the-line.

Only the best for my family.

>> granny: high-performance.

>> rusty: cooler under the seat.

>> early: smokin' far gravity.

>> granny: racin' stripes.

>> early: cherry red, every damn

One of 'em.

Had 'em stacked back there, in

The marina.

>> [ grunting ]

>> sheriff: heh. Come on, now.

You ain't got no marina.

>> early: the fire took my

Marina!

Oh, hell!

Well, put it on the list.

>> sheriff: all right.

>> granny: calm down, now,

Honey.

It'll be all right.

So, uh, do you cut us the check

Now or you front us the money?

How's that work?

>> sheriff: well, just like last

Tuesday, basically.

I write up a report, we

Investigate, insurance cuts a

Check, and you rebuild, ignorin'

Code and usin' inferior

Materials.

>> granny: and then the lord

Releases his anger upon our

House again...

Maybe mid-next week.

Does that work for you?

>> sheriff: now, I

To get a perm wednesday, so...

>> early: so he and his smiteful

Wrath could maybe try to hold

Off till the weekend?

>> sheriff: oh, boy. Heh.

That'd be great.

You know, this humidity just

Plays hell with the activator.

>> rusty: hey, sheriff, what you

Think caused the fire this time?

>> granny: russell donny

Russell!

>> early: son, things happen for

A reason.

But you ain't got to go

Inquisitating on that, right,

Sheriff?

>> sheriff: yeah, but somethin'

Is botherin' me, though.

Now, how could you have a gas

Leak when you don't have any

Utilities up here?

>> early: well, what about

Good ol' natural mountain gas?

Pull my finger.

[ chuckles ] Give it a tug.

Well, it's still funny to

Highbrow sumbitches.

>> sheriff: uh, bear with me.

I have a theory.

>> granny: ohhh, here we go.

>> early: well, evolution was a

Theory, too, but them fossils

Was a jesusly ruse to throw the

Nonbeliever off to sin.

>> granny: well, I didn't come

From no monkey's butthole.

>> sheriff: all right, now,

Everybody just listen to me.

Now, to the trained eye, this

Fire started here, at this

Primitive butane torch that's

Already...Lit and burnin'.

Coincidence?

Maybe.

But look at the burn patterns

Here.

See, fire naturally burns

Upwards.

But there's another direction

That hadn't been considered

Here.

Downward.

That's right.

The flames came from above.

>> early: from up above?

Up there in the trees?

>> granny: but that would

Mean...

>> sheriff: yep.

Aliens.

I'd say their ship arrived at

Warp speed around 2:00 a.M.

And, judgin' by the grain of

This wood, they used them laser

Beams -- technology we humans

Don't have yet.

Rusty, please.

>> granny: aliens?

>> sheriff: yep.

That's the name they go by.

See, they're reptilian in their

Demeanor.

And, accordin' to my drawings,

They wear tight red jumpsuits

With white belts.

They're here for our water, and

They'll stop at nothin' till

They get it.

>> early: well, hell, why they

Shootin' up

>> sheriff: well, that, I don't

Know, but I damn sure intend to

Find out.

I've got aliens on my mind --

Constantly.

[ squids talking indistinctly ]

[ crashing ]

[ radio warbling ]

>> granny: ...Aliens.

What kind of cockamamie story is

That?

You said you was gonna torch the

Place for insurance money.

>> sheriff: damn!

That's gonna leave a stain.

>> early: I might've said that.

Hell, I might've

But...

Did I actually do it?

>> granny: yes, you done it!

You burnt down the house!

>> rusty: yeah, daddy, you did.

>> early: let's look at the

Tape.

[ television clicks ]

Well, uh...

I do not recall havin' done this

At all.

Oh-ho-ho. That's why.

I am a wild one.

>> rusty: so I guess that

Means --

>> early: yup.

That's right, rusty.

This here is a hologram crafted

By aliens in space to connive me

Out of my rightful thinkin' that

It was snake people from the

Skies what done burned this

House down!

>> granny: snake people?

From the skies?

>> early: you said what, now?

>> granny: snake people.

>> early: snake people?

>> granny: snake people from

Space!

>> early: snake people!

Oh, hell!

Take your positions!

Batten down the doors!

Assume defensive positions!

We 'bout to barbecue us some

Alien-lizard-ass meat!

Hell yeah!

Whoo!

[ gunshots ]

>> by the lords of govron, they

Covered the windows in plywood.

>> dah! Nice hologram, mike.

Now he knows we torched his

Place.

>> and a stove in front of the

Door?

It's impenetrable!

>> damn it, why won't they just

Move?

>> they think we're after their

Water.

>> dah!

That is such a lizard-alien

Stereotype.

>> should we torch the house

Again, sir?

>> yes, scrod-damn-it.

We have an easement with the

County.

[ crickets chirping ]

>> sheriff: ah.

Jackpot. Gotcha.

>> dan halen: ah, so nice to see

You here, san diago kamikan.

>> sheriff: mm-hmm.

>> dan halen: the easement has

Been put on the fast track, as

You can see.

The squids won't rebuild again.

I'll see to that.

[ laughs evilly ]

>> sheriff: mm-hmm.

>> dan halen: care for a...

Human arm?

>> sheriff: mnh-mnh.

>> dan halen: no?

You're sure, now?

>> sheriff: mm-hmm.

>> dan halen: they're divine.

The meat is falling off the

Bone.

[ munches ]

>> sheriff: mmmh. Mnh-hmm.

Hmmm-hmmm, mnh.

>> dan halen: okay, I...Don't

Understand what that one means.

I'll see you on gekko plains.

[ laughs evilly ]

[ siren chirping ]

>> sheriff: look what I found --

An easement for your land,

Written in lizard-alien

Language.

>> early: lizard-alien?

Lizard-alien?!

Take him down, russell!

[ gunshots ]

>> sheriff: ow, ow! Early!

>> early: evil alien lies!

Don't listen to 'em!

>> granny: shoot the venom sac!

It's in the nuts!

>> sheriff: how the hell...

>> early: hold your fire,

Russell.

Hold your fire!

>> granny: stand down!

>> early: oh, no.

It was the sheriff.

>> granny: well...

Live and learn.

>> [ roars ]

>> early: another disguise?

Take it down!

>> rusty: take that, you

Sumbitch!

Get away from me, now!

>> early: there you go!

Hold your fire again, russell.

Hold your fire.

>> sheriff: [ grunting ]

The -- the alien...

It ate me...

And it took my mind.

Please don't shoot.

[ sighs ] Please.

>> early: well, we out of

Bullets anyhow.

[ gun clicks ]

>> rusty:

>> early: well, I guess I did

Burn my own house down.

And I suppose I'll do it again.

Oh, not again!

Damn it!

>> aw, snap, son!

You blew their mind!

Look at that.

Now he's burning himself out.

>> thank you, mike.

You did good work on this, too,

Buddy.

Don't forget that.

>> wait. Wait.

They're looking at us.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> early: that's right, you run!

>> rusty: oh, hell yeah.

>> early: go on, you worthless

Sumbitch!

You can't be burnin' what's been

Torched by man.

>> granny: oh, hell, they're

Comin' back!

>> early: get inside the burnin'

House!

[ motor whirring ]

Ow! Whoo!

>> sheriff: it's a graft from my

Hip.

It attaches with snaps.

See?

Now, they say it'll look just

Like my old face in six to eight

Months, but...

I just thank god I'm alive.

>> dan halen: leaf!

>> sheriff: I-I-I-I'm sorry.

Sorry 'bout that.

Go ahead and shoot.

>> all: go, go, go.

>> granny: run, ball, run!

>> dan halen: bring daddy home a

Victory on the fiddler's green.

>> sheriff: get there!

>> dan halen: that's a gimme.