Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ somehow I got spinal

Meningitis ♪

♪ injectin' all that hair spray

In my spine ♪

♪ it's a super-cheap way

To party ♪

♪ if you aim to kill some brain

Cells and some time ♪

Good luck gettin' that

Child-support check from me

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> [ british accent ] The

Mountains of north georgia...

Home to a species long thought

Extinct...

>> rusty: but I don't even

Superman.

I like spider-man.

Wha-ho!

>> ...The appalachian mud squid.

[ crickets chirping ]

For months, we tracked their

Migration, only to learn that

They rarely move, except when

They're attempting to descramble

The hbo -- home box office.

>> early: up, back, up, back.

There you go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ooh!

I seen some nipple.

Up and back. Right --

Damn. There it was again.

>> intricate tribal markings are

Used for such purposes as

Attracting a mate...

>> early: whoo!

Party in my pants, and you is

Invited!

Yeah!

I ain't got no pants, but the

Party's still on.

>> ...Or intimidating

Colleagues.

>> early: whoo!

You head down to the second

Floor for your copy needs,

Glenn!

Laser color 4600p is mine!

That's right.

>> and some markings appear to

Be pointless.

>> early: whoo!

This text needs to be

Left-justified, and you better

Start kerning this sumbitch

Better than you been a-doin'.

You makin' me look like a damn

Fool of a bar fight.

>> while the dominant male is

Out foraging for convoluted

Expressions of himself, the

Elderly and cub are left to fend

For themselves, finding

Nutrition wherever they can.

>> granny: I-I don't see why we

Don't just eat the peanut butter

If we're so hungry.

>> rusty: nunh-unh.

I don't need that much

Polysaturated trans-fats in my

Diet.

All right, see ya, now.

>> granny: oh, you're so smart.

[ all growling ]

[ bird screeches ]

>> each week, the mud squids

Gather over their kill for

Sunday dinner.

Now, I was able to observe this

Endangered species up close by

Mimicking their sexism regarding

Racecar driver danica patrick.

So it's utter folly to assume

That she could even properly

Work a stick shift, you know?

Other than that of her husband

And provider.

You follow my ribald analogy.

>> early: thank you.

'bout damn time.

The mammaroids gets in the way

Of the damn wheel!

It's just basic anatomy.

There ought to not be no damn

Woman behind the wheel of no

Damn racecar.

>> rusty: daddy, that girl's

Done pretty good --

>> early: unh-unh!

We can't all be men, rusty.

Somebody has to be the loser.

>> granny: the only race she

Ought to be runnin' is a race to

Start a litter of young'uns.

Get pregnant and...

Make some beds.

>> early: you done yet?

Is that it? Are you done?

>> granny: yes, sir.

>> early: damn lady babble.

Re-dredging topics that's done

Been settled from by mouth of a

Man.

Y'all bow your damn heads!

We thank you, lord, for mans

Like myself, males of the

Masculine variety, winners all

Of us.

And we thank you for the womans,

Too, and how you made them out

Of a part of a man that he don't

Never need, nor want, to live by

Our rules and our pleasures.

[ chomps ]

Chicken is good.

Amen.

>> granny: I made a special

Dessert -- some of my famous

"Kevin on a stick."

>> early: damn it, granny!

The cameraman's name was

Kenneth!

Respect the dead!

>> that can't be right.

Kenneth is behind the plant

Over --

[ gasps ] Oh, no.

Good heavens, no!

>> rusty: kenneth sure is

Crunchy.

>> early: rusty got the lens

Cap.

>> sheriff: early, I don't

Believe this.

>> early: he come at me with a

Lens cap!

>> sheriff: you're an endangered

Species.

>> early: shh! Shh!

Shut up, now.

This is the scene where I get

The mouth herpes.

>> sheriff: early, come on out

Of there.

It's my sworn duty to protect

You so future generations can

Somehow appreciate...

Well, whatever the hell it is

You do.

>> early: that's right, you open

That damn door -- right now!

I'm off to my natural habitat.

[ rock music plays ]

>> [ roaring ]

>> early: hell yeah!

Whoo!

>> sheriff: early, that's a

Jaguar.

>> early: more like a faguar!

>> [ roaring ]

>> sheriff: whoa, now. Easy.

Sticks and stones may break your

Bones --

>> early: hell yeah!

They about to!

>> [ growls ]

>> sheriff: why did I say that?

>> early: whoo!

The belt is mine!

>> sheriff: aaah!

>> early: you ain't seen nothin'

Like me!

I'm a bad man!

>> sheriff: I insist...

>> early: I'm endangered!

>> sheriff: ...You retract your

Claws.

>> early: ain't nobody to beat

My ass!

[ gunshots ]

Ha.

You see that, the way I

Pile-drived that cat?

I call that move

"The early riser."

He was paralyzed!

>> sheriff: he was

I shot him, and then you cleaned

And dressed his carcass for 30

Minutes.

>> early: oh, monday-mornin'

Quarterback.

Hell, you seen what I done.

[ buzzing ]

Hey, check this out.

>> sheriff: early!

Early, that's high-voltage.

You could be --

>> early: [ chuckles ]

>> sheriff: hey!

>> early: what'd you say?

>> sheriff: early, quit it!

>> early: huh? What was that?

>> sheriff: you mind redir--

Redirecting --

Early, would you mind

Redirecting that?

>> early: I'm sorry.

Didn't hear ya.

>> sheriff: that's a power line!

You'll get elec--

>> early: oh!

>> sheriff: early! Quit it!

Stop!

>> early: I'm done. I'm done.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

Thank you.

>> early: oh!

It never gets old!

>> sheriff: oh, come on!

>> early: [ chuckles ]

>> sheriff: [ sputters ]

>> early: howdy, reverend.

>> sheriff: reverend.

>> early: hell of a sermon last

Week.

Ahhhh, victory.

>> sheriff: oh, man.

That ink was hell on my jaguar

Cuts.

Oh!

Oh, god.

The jaguar's sliced open my

Achilles, early.

You think you could give me a

Hand here?

>> early: give you a hand?

>> sheriff: yeah.

It'd be wonderful.

>> early: hell, I'm sick of

Livin' in your damn police

State!

Like a damn minified tuber.

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

I killed a jaguar today.

>> early: ohhhh...

God.

>> rusty: whoo-hoo!

Hell yeah, daddy!

You are wild as hell!

You got yourself a damn earring!

>> early: huh? What?

>> rusty: you know -- like, uh,

Harrison ford.

You know, in his private life?

>> early: which side?

>> rusty: it's on the right.

>> early: oh, hell!

I switched teams in the night!

[ sobbing ] Oh, god.

[ normal voice ] Plan a trip to

The keys, I guess.

Get me a boyfriend.

Hell, I ain't gettin' no damn

Younger!

>> sheriff: that's a taggin'

Device, early.

I use it to track your

Whereabouts from this chopper,

Here.

>> granny: look at me.

Who's this fancy model limpin'

By?

>> rusty: he matched her d.U.I.

Anklet.

>> early: match it?

This one here is a toasted

Cinnamon, and this one here is

Clearly a tuscan cranberry.

>> rusty: and he knows, too,

'cause he's gay.

>> early: I'll come out on my

Own terms, rusty!

Now, you get me my drinkin'

Party liquor!

>> rusty: [ grunts ]

I can't open it.

>> sheriff: well, this is a

Child-safety lock, rusty.

>> early: step aside.

I got the key.

[ gun cocks ]

[ gun clicking ]

I'm neutered!

>> sheriff: trigger lock on that

One.

Safety is paramount.

>> early: what the...

My truck-boat truck!

>> sheriff: you like it, early?

This is one of those safety

Sedans from across the pond.

They even got air bags on the

Outside so that folks that you

Hit get protection, too.

When you go off on one of them

Tears of yours, you know?

>> early: aw. All right.

>> sheriff: there you go.

[ feedback ]

Stay clear, everyone.

Endangered animal is starting

The car now.

[ engine idling ]

Now he's wrapping his lips --

Oh, hell.

[ exhaling heavily ]

>> early: whoa!

Whoa, there, romeo!

Can't you wait till I'm dead?

I'll still be warm for a

Half-hour.

>> sheriff: oh, early, it's

Mouth-to-mouth.

>> early: I know what it is!

Just 'cause I got myself a

Swedish sedan, you think I'm a

Homo.

Yeah, you seen the ear bob,

Didn't ya?

You got the wrong idea.

Is that it?

>> granny: yoo-hoo!

Sheriff.

I need some emergency attention,

Too.

[ coughing ]

>> sheriff: early, you can't

Die.

You're the last of your kind.

You got the future of the whole

Species to think of.

>> early: future?

I say "Live in the now."

Come on, rusty.

We goin' to the moon.

Clear the prop.

>> rusty: start that thing!

>> sheriff: stop!

In the name of the law!

>> early: whoa!

[ grunts ]

I-I'm all right. I'm all right.

>> sheriff: early!

Clear!

[ paddles thump ]

[ flatline ]

Clear!

[ paddles thump ]

[ steady beeping ]

>> early: I see a -- a...

>> sheriff: don't go into the

Light, early.

>> early: ...A liquor store.

>> sheriff: don't go into the

Liquor store in the light,

Either.

>> early: liquor store...

>> sheriff: early, don't!

[ crying ] No!

[ flatline ]

Oh.

So there

>> dan halen: easy.

Easy.

Shoot it now, while its back is

Turned!

Oh, you want a challenge.

Well, I'm shouting in your ear!

Whoa! Whoa!

E-e-e-earthquake!

>> sheriff: mr. Halen.

>> dan halen: lawman.

>> sheriff: sorry to trouble

You, but you ain't runnin' a...

Endangered-species game ranch

Here, now, are you?

>> dan halen: [ chuckling ] Oh,

Please.

Of course not.

Shoot it in the face.

Don't harm the torso.

That's where the powder is

Derived.

>> sheriff: yeah, but I can't

Let you --

>> dan halen: y-you don't

Understand.

In their culture, squid powder

Is an aphrodisiac.

>> granny: [ sniffs ]

Hmm.

I

>> dan halen: for god's sake,

Lawman, they're trying to

Conceive.

And you want to deny them?

>> sheriff: how about you just

Catch 'em and throw 'em back in

When you're done?

>> dan halen: how about you take

One of these key chains?

There.

It's like a real pet.

>> sheriff: I don't know if I'm

Responsible enough.

Aw.

[ key chain beeps ]

Look at that little thing.

Just precious, ain't it?

>> dan halen: just don't push

The bedtime button.

I'm trying to see what sleep

Deprivation will do to it.

>> granny: I always wanted to

Travel.

[ gunshot ]

I'm goin' to japan!

>> sheriff: I wish my bones was

An aphrodisiac.

>> dan halen: but they are not,

So no japan for you.

>> sheriff: I know.

>> dan halen: I'll be back,

Early.

You just make sure you have

Another litter ready.

>> early: now, don't you worry

'bout that.

We keep the business in the

Family.

Ain't that right, little gal?

>> lil: [ coughs ]

>> early: she'll be fine.

>> dan halen: here.

Your payment is...

This object I happen to be

Holding in my hand.

>> early: aw. Look at you.

You hungry?

[ key chain beeps ]

We

Go get yourself a damn job!

[ electronic crying ]

>> early: oh, you're cryin' now?

Hell, I'll give you somethin' to

Cry about!

[ grunting ]

[ crying ]

Why do we always hurt the ones

We hit?

>> rusty: hey, daddy.

Daddy.

>> early: have yourself a good

Time in japan, now.

Say "Hey" to mario and all his

Mushroom buddies for me.

>> rusty: can I have a drink?

I'm kind of thirsty, and I got

Cottonmouth from all the

Formaldehydration.

>> early: aw, stop your

Bellyaching.

Why can't you be more like your

Sister yamagotchi?