Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my

Property ♪

♪ don't care if the bank gave

You a deed ♪

♪ this farm's been cuyler land

For generations ♪

♪ since we beat back them sneaky

Japanese ♪

♪ in the war of 1812 ♪

Bring our boys home.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the

Trim!

>> rusty: so, daddy, seems like

A pretty cool job -- sittin'

There, readin' the funnies

And everything.

Is that -- that pretty much what

You do all day?

>> rusty: go over there.

>> [ robotic voice ] Release.

>> early: aah! Aah!

I'm on fire! Help!

>> dan halen: today, we're

Testing oceanic musk, one of the

Wonderful scents in our exciting

New line of sexual warrior

Body sprays.

As you can see, our lead

Scientist is currently

Experiencing a slight stinging

Sensation.

[ all gasp ]

Well...Enough of that.

Come -- let's walk to the

Cloning station, where we've

Just finished re-animating the

Dreaded gojira!

[ all scream ]

[ chuckles ]

Just kidding.

I...Just love hearing you people

Scream.

[ all sigh ]

>> funnies.

>> early: now, son, it's

Turn.

You get to read the funnies,

Like a big man.

>> rusty: daddy, I don't

Really think --

>> early: what?!

>> rusty: I say I --

>> early: no, in

The good one!

>> release.

>> early: aah! Aah!

>> dan halen: you're all so very

Blessed to be here today.

We're testing our new

Earth-friendly hybrid -- made

Entirely, I'm proud to say, of

Recycled light bulbs, coffee

Grounds, and soiled baby

Diapers.

[ grunts ]

We'll just save this for the

Commercial.

You there, get in.

>> early: yeah. Yes, sir.

[ straining ] I-I'm comin'.

>> dan halen: no!

The healthy one.

>> rusty: no, see, I'm here

Just to expand my horizons and

Everything, and, uh...

T-this

Work day," right?

>> dan halen: no.

This is

Day."

Now get in the car.

Hurry up.

The japanese are waiting.

>> rusty: don't I need some

Goggles or somethin'?

>> rusty: goggles is for

Pussies, son.

Please don't be a pussy in front

Of my boss.

>> rusty: all right, daddy.

>> dan halen: unleash!

>> rusty: aaaaaah!!

>> dan halen: now watch it

Explode!

>> early: rusty, no!

My dependent deduction!

>> rusty: aaaaaaah!

[ screaming in slow motion ]

[ alarm rings ]

Yoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo! Ha ha!

>> early: what the hell?

You ain't hurt?

>> rusty: I am invisible!

Whoo! That was fun!

I want to go ride that thing

Again right now.

>> early: well, hell.

Let him go on again.

>> rusty: hey, man, can I keep

This thing here?

>> dan halen: no!

Let's see how he likes the coal

Press.

>> rusty: [ beeping ]

[ backup signal beeping ]

>> early: how you farin', son?

>> rusty: whoo-hoo!

>> early: whoo!

>> dan halen: fine.

You've had your day.

But I wonder, are your balls to

The wall enough to face down the

Bashatizing smash master?!

>> rusty: the what, now?

>> dan halen: the ultimate truck

Eater.

Defeat the bashatizing smash

Master and win an ipod.

But you'll

Bashatizing smash master!

Do you hear me?! Never!

>> rusty: do I get the ipod?

I want me an ipod.

>> early: what in the hell is it

With all you young'uns always

Wantin' ipods for every damn

Thing?

What a sad, sad damn statement

This makes about your

Generation.

>> rusty: but -- but, daddy,

I've always wanted --

>> early: the ipod is mine.

Now, rusty, there's a veritable,

Cornucopic, plethora of various,

Numeratous...Big number of kill

Moves to use on that old

Smash master.

You got "The shields."

>> rusty: uh, so that -- that's

All there is to that?

>> early: hold on. It's comin'.

You got your belt fastened?

Uh-oh.

There's your "Plundered

Undercarriage."

The "Ten...Der...I...Zer."

"Night on crushed pelvis

Mountain."

"Lucifer's numchuk."

"The ron don jon van zant."

"Dude, who punched my car in the

Face?"

And lastly...

"Why is my chassis layin'

Yet my engine is over yonder?"

>> rusty: daddy, how you know so

Much about crashin' cars?

>> early: I was a champion

Crack-up-derby driver in my day.

You talk about a creative peak.

[ chuckles ]

I was like a fine artist.

My car was my paintbrush.

Save-mart parkin' lot was my

Canvas.

And my car was my paintbrush.

13 was my age.

My car, it was my paintbrush.

Industrial lead-based cleanin'

Solvent -- that there was my

Beverage.

And my car...

>> rusty: was your paintbrush?

>> early: yes, son.

You could say that.

>> rusty: all the names and the

Moves and...

It's just too much stuff, daddy.

I-I don't think I can do it.

>> early: son, if you find

Yourself overwhelmed,

Vistualatize them things you

Want to have happen in your

Mind.

Then it'll come to be!

>> rusty: and that works?

>> early: hell yeah.

Why, just this mornin', I was

Visualatizing having $50 in my

Hand.

And sure enough, I had that $50

And then some by noon.

I will end you!

You understand me?

Also procured some of them new

Pork rinds what's supposed to

Have the flavor of hickory

Chips.

Not the damn sour cream!

Give me them hickory-flavored!

I heard good things about them!

Now, look here, and you will see

That the rinds have become a

Reality through vistualization.

>> rusty: so you're sayin', now,

If I just visualatize it, then I

Can blow up that tree with my

Mind?

>> early: try tape 8 --

"Moving mountains."

>> anyone can move mountains,

But first, you need a mountain

Mover.

See it.

Believe it.

Now leave it.

You probably won't ever have it.

>> rusty: I see it.

I do s-- I see it!

[ motor revs ]

>> early: you didn't see jack.

Success is a journey, not a

Destination.

Tape 3, damn it!

>> granny: mm.

What's he gonna drive now?

[ ting! ]

>> early: the scooter.

>> granny: now, if you want to

Take 'em by sea, make sure and

Use the boat.

>> early: thank you, useless,

Wrinkled, flappy bitch.

Just finish the spot-weld and

Shut your uppity gums.

>> granny: 'bout to weld your

Face.

Call me a bitch.

>> dan halen: and now please

Remove your hats, shirts, and

Any other camouflage, outdoor

Gear you felt was appropriate to

Wear in public for the singing

Of our national anthem,

As performed by former

Heavyweight contender

Eric "Butterbean" esch!

>> I dedicate this song to

America.

♪ o! Say can you see ♪

♪ by the dawn's early light ♪

♪ what so proudly we hailed ♪

>> early: now's your chance,

Boy.

Go on. Get the jump on 'em.

>> rusty: want me to get in the

Car right now?

>> early: all right, son! Go!

[ all shouting ]

>> ♪ o'er rampits were

Watching ♪

>> early: break out the

Pulverizer!

>> granny: go for the trifecta,

Boy!

>> rusty: assisted suicide,

Baby.

>> early: "Spider dream"!

>> no!

>> early: "Fender blender"!

"Insurance information

Exchange"!

You ain't got none! Run!

>> ♪ o! Say, does the star... ♪

>> early: "Side plunge"!

"Death in the afternoon"!

>> oh, no! It's malignant!

[ cows moo ]

>> ♪ land of the free ♪

Take the damn hat off, or I'm

Gonna take it off

Hey!

You got somethin' to say?

[ scuffling ]

[ dramatic music plays ]

[ crowd cheers ]

>> [ roars ]

>> early: saint valdosta.

>> [ roars ]

>> granny: I've seen bigger.

[ siren wails ]

>> sheriff: uh, I-I'm sorry,

Sir, but --

>> [ shrieks ]

>> rusty: oh, no! I'm gonna die!

>> early: take him with the

Boat!

Vistualize it, like the pork

Rinds!

>> rusty: but I'm scared, daddy!

>> early: do it, rusty!

I'll keep him occupied!

>> rusty: o-okay, daddy.

I'll do it.

>> [ growls ]

>> rusty: I can see it, daddy!

I can see it!

He's goin' down.

He's goin' down!

>> early: that's right, boy.

Keep them eyes closed.

You're doin' it.

>> rusty: daddy, no!

>> early: no, no, no!

Keep 'em closed!

I'm gonna win!

>> rusty: daddy, how could you?

>> early: "Rattlesnake at a...

Thai weddin'" -- my signature

Move.

>> rusty: wait a minute, daddy.

I'm do-- I'm doin' it!

I'm vistualizing it, daddy!

I'm doin' it!

>> early: oh, yeah, boy!

You're doin' it!

>> granny: no!

It's the tongue crane!

>> [ roars ]

>> granny: ohhh!

They won't live past the

Bicuspids!

[ both scream ]

>> hi.

Can I just take a couple

Of minutes of your time?

I have a few short questions.

You don't mind, right?

You could win an ipod.

>> rusty: all right, then.

>> is your household income

"A" -- $0 to $40, "B" -- $41 to

$10,000, or "C" -- $10,000 to

Unlimited dollars?

>> rusty: does that count our

Welfare money --

>> granny: shut your mouth, boy!

>> early: son, don't talk about

Our monies to the government.

>> rusty: no comment.

>> it's probably "A."

I'm gonna go ahead and say "A."

Question 2 -- would you use

Appalachian temptation male body

Spray "A" -- once a day, "B" --

Three times a day, or "C" -- at

All times all day every day

Until the end of days?

>> granny: don't answer that

Question.

>> early: that's right.

Don't tell him a damn thing.

>> super.

Now, inbred flotsam, please put

Your address and phone number --

If you know how to write --

On each card.

Or the scary monster will rise

Up and eat you!

>> early: aah! Aah! Aah!

>> rusty: what the hell

Happened?

Am I dead?

>> granny: it appears the entire

Derby was just a mass

Hallucination brought on by

Illegal testin' of a very

Dangerous body spray.

We've all been exposed to it.

And the long-term effects are,

At this time...

Quite unknown.

>> early: so who gets the ipod?

>> dan halen: the ipod was also

Part of the hallucination.

>> early: aw, damn it!

[ all screaming ]

>> dan halen: yes. Japan?

Mishu, mishu.

The tuesday launch is a go.