Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my dreams are all dead and

Buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun would

Just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me to

His kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of

Bitches when I go ♪

[ yodeling ]

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ techno music plays ]

>> well, looky there, y'all.

A blimp.

>> actually, young man, I think

They call that a dirigible.

>> it is not a dirigible, but a

Zeppelin that descended from the

Heavens.

[ sizzle! ]

Aah!

Holy mother of god.

>> well, look at that.

>> this kind of stings.

>> I reckon I'll be calling in

Sick today.

[ people screaming ]

>> dan halen: [ laughs evilly ]

>> sheriff: uh, hey, there,

Mr. Halen.

>> help me! Help!

>> dan halen: [ laughs evilly ]

>> sheriff: look, I hate to be a

Pain, but I don't know if you've

Seen this cloud out there.

>> dan halen: it's not a cloud.

It's a body spray.

It's called ice wind.

And it is exquisite.

>> sheriff: oh, I know, but...

>> dan halen: but what?

>> sheriff: well, it's kinda

Strippin' all the flesh off of

The -- you know, the bones of

The townspeople.

>> dan halen: what are you

Saying, that it works better as

A diet spray?

Because that's actually a really

Good idea.

But we've already printed the

Labels.

Damn it!

[ clears throat ]

>> sheriff: actually, I-I was

Hopin' that maybe you'd, uh...

You could actually just...

>> dan halen: stop?

>> sheriff: [ laughing ] Oh,

Boy.

That'd be really great if you

Could d-do that.

>> dan halen: no.

We've already printed the

Labels.

[ buzzer ]

>> sheriff: I-is this a -- like

A revenge thing, or -- or are

You just mad at me for

Somethin'?

>> dan halen: look, my male body

Spray must be tested.

Otherwise, people could be hurt.

Do you want that to happen...

After the super bowl ad airs?!

Because if you do, I suppose

We could just --

>> sheriff: oh, no, no, no.

Don't do anything on my account.

I wouldn't wanna impose.

>> dan halen: why don't you just

Arrest it, if you care so much?

[ techno music plays ]

[ handcuffs click, jingle ]

>> sheriff: [ clears throat ]

>> dan halen: [ groans ] What?

>> sheriff: look, I gotta be

Frank here.

I-I've learned that there's no

Way to stop the cloud.

[ sizzle! ]

So...Uh...

I'm gonna have to ask you to

Maybe not, uh, test your body

Spray on any more folks, if

That's okay with you.

You know, I know you're busy and

All that, but, uh...

You're mad at me now, right?

>> dan halen: who wants to be

Sheriff?

>> all: me! Me! Me! Me!

>> I do! I do!

>> dan halen: [ laughs ]

The little one called it first.

[ all groaning ]

>> you're makin' a mistake.

>> oh, shut up.

I wanna make a change.

[ birds chirping ]

[ inhales deeply ]

[ exhales deeply ]

[ whack! ]

>> early: you like that?!

You like it?!

Hell, I know you don't like it!

That's why

[ chuckles ]

>> sheriff: no, that's fine.

I don't care.

>> early: and now I'm, uh...

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna ink all over it!

Yeah!

Come on over here. Pick it up.

Get the ink on your hands and

Raise your fist to the sky!

"Damn that squid!" you'll say.

"Outsmarted again!"

[ chuckles ]

>> sheriff: [ sighs ]

>> rusty: and now we're puttin'

A new one in, as part of our

Court-mandated punishment.

Hell yeah.

Beat you to the punch, old man.

Whoo-hoo!

>> early: hang on, russell.

Cease the hollerin'.

Somethin' be amiss here.

>> sheriff: the mailbox is out

Of my jurisdiction now.

Porch is, too.

I'm deputy everywhere from this

Stoop to...

Well...Just this stoop.

>> early: what the hell you

Mean "Deputy"?

>> sheriff: yeah, I report to

This fire ant now.

>> [ chatters ]

>> sheriff: dan halen calls my

New city "Unimportantburg."

But I don't think that's the

Real name of it.

>> early: does, uh,

Unimportantburg, uh, sell party

Liquor on sundays?

>> sheriff: oh, you bet.

>> early: whoo! Hell yeah!

>> sheriff: if we had stores.

[ voice breaking ] But we don't.

Whatever.

I don't control nothin'.

Oh, lordy.

>> early: your town sucks.

>> rusty: b-but, sheriff...

>> sheriff: that's

You.

I'm goin' back to the old

Pronunciation.

>> rusty: well, who's runnin'

The town?

>> dan halen: good work, denny.

You've arrested a...

Fish...

And your car.

>> mm-hmm. Yep. I got it.

Thank you.

>> dan halen: any reason?

>> suspicion, collusion...

T-that car gonna use that

Wide-mouth bass, gonna...

Turn into a robot.

Probably.

>> dan halen: denny, I highly

Doubt that.

But if that's how you choose to

Spend your weekend...

>> I reckon I do.

I'm the law.

I done whittled this arm to get

That piece of corn out of my

Teeth that's been bugging me.

It's been bugging me for two

Weeks.

>> dan halen: very impressive.

Do you see that cloud outside?

>> yuh-huh.

>> dan halen: direct traffic

Into it.

>> sheriff: because it doesn't

Make sense to outlaw magnifying

Glasses.

And I won't do it.

>> [ chattering ]

>> sheriff: I told you I'm not

Gonna wiretap a piece of

Watermelon.

>> [ chattering ]

>> sheriff: I don't give a damn.

It's unconstitutional to --

To fruits everywhere.

>> [ chattering ]

>> sheriff: well, take the damn

Piece now.

[ squish! ]

But the badge stays.

It's embroidered on here, see.

See?

Uh-oh.

[ people screaming ]

>> dan halen: denny, stop

The testing.

This has gone too far.

We're practically giving the

Product away at this point.

>> hey, y'all.

I'm gonna put this cloud down.

>> sheriff: [ grunting ]

Hey, guys.

>> early: damn, sheriff.

Is that you, boy?

>> granny: mmm...

Lookin' good, hollywood.

>> sheriff: yeah, put on a

Little muscle mass -- you know,

Exercisin' a little, gettin'

Toned up.

>> granny: I like those blond

Highlights and that new tattoo.

>> sheriff: yep -- tribal band.

Barbwire over here.

Yeah, the designs have finally

Reached georgia.

Yeah, but y'all knew that.

I've covered this pretty

Extensively in my blog.

>> rusty: dadgum, boy, you got

You a blog?

>> sheriff: yeah, "Sheriff's

Riffz" -- with a "Z."

I complain about things, pretend

I'm a critic, you know, describe

My dreams and stuff.

Hell, I've even posted art.

Did you know I like trainin' for

Strongman competitions?

Hell,

Blogged about it.

>> rusty: dadgum, boy, you got

You a blog?

>> sheriff: [ muffled ] Y'all

Mind if I pull your house down

The hill with my teeth?

[ creeeak! ]

[ boom! ]

[ scraping ]

[ thud! ]

Whew.

>> granny: what brings you up

This way?

>> sheriff: you know my blog?

I recently blogged an entry

About how bloggin' don't bring

You any money or anything and

How typin' each letter brings me

Closer to starvation.

>> early: so, you want to know

How

Ambition, or money?

[ door opens ]

Where's all the food?

>> sheriff: I told you. I'm out.

>> early: well, this is where we

Get it!

This is a "Conandrum."

It's like a multidimensional

M.C. Escher print I bought in

College.

>> granny: I need food.

>> early: any way you try to

Climb up, you're goin' down.

>> rusty: shotgun!

>> early: hell no, you don't!

>> rusty: I called it!

>> early: shotgun.

>> rusty: no, I called the --

>> early: I done told you,

The bug shield durin' hard

Times.

[ both slurping ]

>> sheriff: accordin' to my

Records, don't y'all get a check

From the state or somethin'?

>> early: the state -- givin'

Out money checks?

Cash american -- fundage and

Such?

>> granny: oh...

Thanks a lot, asshole.

[ hawk screeches ]

>> sheriff: a-and y'all just

Stare into the sun, huh?

Just like this?

>> rusty: yep.

All day long.

>> sheriff: hmm.

>> early: fits of rage do come

And go, but the sun, hell,

It's here all day.

You see it up there?

>> sheriff: no, no, I definitely

See it.

>> early: you can't just

You got to stare at it.

Commit.

>> sheriff: and this is all

Y'all do, huh?

>> early: well, sometimes I'll

Drive a nail into my arm, make

Sure I still feel emotions.

>> sheriff: hmm.

>> early: some other times, I'll

Drive one into rusty's arm.

>> rusty: to make sure

Still feel them -- them

Emotions?

>> early: to make sure your ass

Don't get ahead of me!

Whoo!

>> dan halen: poverty-stricken

Squids!

Look here!

Free cloud!

>> rusty: free clouds, baby!

>> early: [ sniffs ] Is that...

[ sniffs ]

...Ice wind?

>> granny: it's free body spray!

>> early: hell no!

>> sheriff: get inside,

Everybody.

>> granny: get the hell out of

My way!

>> early: no, woman, no!

[ sizzle! ]

It's

>> sheriff: no, early, no!

>> early: she can't have it all!

She's wastin' it!

>> sheriff: no, early.

>> rusty: sheriff, that cloud's

Comin' over here.

W-what are we gonna do, sheriff?

>> sheriff: sorry.

You're on your own.

I told you -- I'm retarded.

Uh,

Damn it. I even practiced that.

>> rusty: but, sheriff, you're

The only one that can save us!

>> sheriff: all right.

Fetch me some two-ply garbage

Bags and a roll of duct tape.

I thought of this at the

Academy.

We call this a hillbilly hazmat

Suit.

Rusty, tape over my nose and

Mouth so none of that noxious

Gas can get in.

I will attack the cloud from

Below.

I'm starting to feel...

Very light-headed.

I will now stop...

[ coughs ]

...Talking, to preserve what

Remaining energy I have to get

Out of this suit.

[ thud! ]

>> rusty: look, daddy, the

Wind -- it switched directions.

>> early: crisis averted.

Our collective asses are saved.

>> sheriff: [ coughing ]

>> rusty: hey, daddy, look at

That.

He's tryin' to scratch a note in

The dirt.

>> early: o...2.

>> rusty: o...2.

>> early: zero...

O-2.

>> rusty: 2.

>> early: 2. O-u...

>> rusty: ou812?

Hot damn! He's a van halen fan!

Me too, sheriff!

Hell yeah!

Van halen kicks some damn ass!

>> early: russell donny, don't

Say "Ass" on this here property.

From the mouth of babes...