Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ somehow I got spinal

Meningitis ♪

♪ injecting all that hairspray

In my spine ♪

♪ it's a supercheap way for

Parties ♪

♪ if you ain't killed some brain

Cells in due time ♪

Good luck getting that

Child-support check from me now.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

>> granny: [ mumbling ]

Goin' down for the kill?

Hmm.

[ mumbling ]

Yeah, all juicy and free.

>> rusty: ugh.

>> granny: oh.

Yeah!

You just want to slap that thing

Arou-- unh!

[ car approaching ]

[ metal crunching ]

>> early: ♪ doo doo-doo,

Doo-doo doo-doo ♪

♪ doo-dee dah dah dah ♪

>> rusty: damn, daddy.

'bout knocked over the brakin'

Tree.

>> early: step 'round here and

Feast your eyes on this here!

>> rusty: damn!

>> early: you seen it right.

>> rusty: them some of them --

>> early: truck nuts.

>> rusty: well, I'll be damned.

>> early: mm-hmm.

>> rusty: you spent the brake

Money on truck nuts, didn't you?

>> early: yep.

Now the world can know that this

Truck here is a masculinified

Man!

>> rusty: well, I guess that

Means granny's a man, too.

>> early: what the hell you say?

>> granny: here's you some nuts!

Ooh, look at them dangle!

>> early: where the hell'd you

Get 'em in chrome?

I mean, I looked everywhere.

>> granny: chrometrucknuts.Org.

>> early: aw, mainstream's

Caught on.

Pointless fad!

>> granny: ooh, they's nice!

>> early: buy any plastic

Genital that comes down the

Pipe.

>> rusty: can I have one?

>> early: go ahead!

Strap 'em on your roller skates!

Fun for the whole [bleep]

Family!

>> lil: [ loud groaning ]

[ squishing, sloshing ]

>> rusty: oh, my god!

It's ridley scott's "Alien"!

Look at it!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

>> early: no, son, it ain't

Ridley scott's "Alien."

It's worse.

[ babies groaning ]

Ain't we done been through this?

Good!

>> lil: hey! Get off my back.

You know them guys don't like

Condoms.

>> early: and neither do I!

Hell, I don't use 'em!

It ain't the same!

>> rusty: daddy, I think she's

Out.

>> early: double super bust.

>> rusty: you know, daddy, they

Kind of cute.

I mean, well, now, what if we

Just kept this batch, daddy?

You know, become a family

Proper.

>> early: [ sighs ]

You right, son.

>> rusty: who, me?

>> early: I'll tell you what.

Round up all your new brothers

And sisters.

Hell, we goin' into town to see

"Saw iii" at the dollar!

>> rusty: hell, yeah!

"Saw iii"!

>> granny: I better get my gold

Nuts!

Everybody but me?

>> early: correct!

>> granny: oh.

>> early: all right, come on,

Y'all, come on.

Step right in to the movies!

Yeah, see what holly-weird has

Cooked up next!

Get you a good seat now.

You don't want to miss them

Previews.

>> rusty: this ain't the movies.

>> early: no movies.

Lake boat.

[ wood creaking ]

But we got candy in here.

You like candy, right?

Yeah, satisfy your little sweet

Tooth.

Come on in!

Get on in there.

[ grunting ]

All right, fine.

Little too old.

Maybe I should have got you

Sooner.

>> rusty: daddy, it's the fuzz!

>> sheriff: stop right there!

Drop that bag!

And hop on this banana with me!

This thing will go 80, man.

>> rusty: damn, look at that.

>> sheriff: and look on the

Back.

Truck nuts!

>> early: damn bandwagon.

>> sheriff: we'll tear ass all

Over this lake!

>> rusty: that is cool as hell,

Let me tell you.

Hey, sheriff, the taxpayers pay

For that?

>> sheriff: uh, well...

Of course they did.

It's part of my, uh...

Al-qaeda is gone across the

County line.

The lake is secure now.

Oh.

Say, could you, uh...?

>> rusty: you want me to get

Your shoulders?

>> sheriff: that's a big 10-4.

You read my mind.

Oh, that feels good.

>> rusty: you like that?

>> sheriff: mm-mmm!

Little over to the left there,

Rusty.

There you go.

>> rusty: you got broad

Shoulders.

>> sheriff: say, early --

Don't stop, rusty.

What you got in the bag there,

Bud?

>> early: nothing this lake

Won't fix.

>> sheriff: now hold on a

Minute, early -- wait.

What is this?

[ baby squids crying ]

[ sighs ]

Early, I don't think I can let

You off the hook on this one,

Son.

All right, then.

Well, you're off the hook.

Dfcs said they don't want any

Part of this.

>> rusty: sheriff, why these

Babies ain't be movin' any much?

>> sheriff: well, I'd say it's a

Combination of maybe diabetes

And an extremely powerful

Addiction to crack.

And these two are pregnant.

And these three here, well,

They've been fatally stabbed.

Looks like.

>> rusty: well, this one here's

Feeling better.

>> sheriff: well, look at you.

[ chuckling ]

Ain't you a little pistol?

Ah!

That is a pist-- aah!

[ gurgling ]

>> early: sweet bejesus!

Somebody call the doctor!

Tell him to bring that vision

Machine he got!

We gonna get this mess on tape!

That little sumbitch done blew

His head clean off!

Whoo!

>> whoo!

>> rusty: daddy, sheriff's dead.

>> early: ain't the first time.

>> rusty: but, daddy --

>> early: hold it, now.

>> rusty: oh.

>> early: whoo!

>> whoo!

>> early: whoo!

>> whoo!

>> rusty: whoo-wow!

>> whoo-wow!

>> early: whoo!

>> whoo!

>> early: well, hell, yeah!

I tried to twist him up, but he

Wouldn't have it!

Hell, no!

This old boy is wild!

We might have to keep this one.

>> rusty: what about all these?

>> early: take them to the

Movies.

Come on, quickly.

>> now, a lot of people use a

Table saw to get a cut...

[ cellphone rings ]

>> hello.

>> rusty: jimmy dean, now, who

Would be calling you at this

Hour?

Ricky jay!

Now I done told you, boy, talk

To him after the movie.

Family plans...

>> early: come on.

You got it. You got it!

I'm barely holding you.

Yeah, you doin' it!

You doin' it.

Come on, you got it.

Make that shotgun hole bigger.

Get a good flow.

I'm barely shaking it.

You're doing it!

Come on, you got it!

Cut that wheel!

Cut the wheel!

>> oh, deliver me unto the

Sidewalk, oh, lord!

>> early: you're doing it! Whoo!

>> whoo-hoo!

>> early: yeah, you got it.

Now take your safety off.

[ safety clicks ]

That's right.

Now show him you mean business.

Blow his hand off now.

>> ow!

>> early: yeah, you doin' it!

It's all you, baby!

Yeah, come on!

You can do it!

You got it.

Get them keys.

That's right.

I'm barely chokin' him.

>> sheriff: I'm barely

Breathing.

>> early: well, looky there.

>> sheriff: oh, he's adorable.

>> early: I want them in glossy

And matte.

A high-gloss package!

Ain't no skimpin' for my boy.

[ metallic thud ]

Yeah!

>> whoo-hoo!

>> early: [ laughing ]

You done good, son!

Here you go -- pull yourself a

Dip, for you are now the

Original gator hater. Whoo!

>> whoo!

>> rusty: but -- but you said

Was the original gator hater,

Daddy.

>> early: nope.

>> rusty: you remember -- that

Time you punched out your own

Teeth to show them gators how

Tough you were?

>> early: [ laughing ]

Go, dog! Sic 'em!

>> rusty: me and you, we had

That bond, that gator hater

Bond.

>> early: I have re-envalutated

The saturation, and I have

Convoluted that you ain't wild,

You're mild.

'sides, I think you might have

Got the gay gene.

>> rusty: now wait a minute now!

I ain't gay, daddy!

>> early: no, no, don't beg.

We had us a good run, son.

You know.

Good memories.

But it's hershel's time now!

>> rusty: but, daddy!

D-did you say hershel?

>> early: yes.

I have dubbed thee

Hershel walker cuyler "Them dogs

Is hell, don't they"!

>> whoo!

>> early: he's a progidy.

>> rusty: oh.

>> early: let's go,

Hershel walker cuyler "Them dogs

Is hell, don't they?"

>> rusty: where y'all going?

>> early: the final test -- men

Only.

You stay here and breast-feed

The sissy farm.

>> rusty: but my milk ain't come

In yet.

>> early: whoo!

[ baby squids crying ]

>> rusty: dadgumit, all right,

Ricky jack, I hear you and

Jimmy dean, and I'm coming.

>> early: aw, I was just

Kidding.

Didn't want that other feller

Comin' -- trying to come along

And ruin things.

Always conservin' and safety and

Head helmets and glasses.

[ train horn blowing ]

[ bell dinging ]

Hershel walker, listen to me!

This train will end soon!

When it does, pull me to the

Hospital!

Wait, hershel walker!

Don't leave me!

Help!

Son!

[ groans ]

[ hawks screeching ]

Oh, thank the lord you're back!

Please pull me to the --

>> whoo!

>> early: oh, my lid!

My face will sunburn!

Hershel!

Hershel walker!

Your trainin' is...Complete!

[ groans ]

>> rusty: daddy?

Daddy, can you hear me?

>> early: my...Baby...Boy.

>> rusty: yeah, daddy, it's me.

It's gonna be just fine now.

>> early: he was adorable.

>> rusty: but, daddy --

>> early: here, take this image

And emblazon it on a denim

Jacket.

Have it read...

"The good one."

>> rusty: come on, daddy.

Let's try out our new tentacles

Or something.

Now come on.

Now you got it.

You're doing it, daddy.

Come on!

>> early: unh!

Damn these legs.

>> rusty: well, daddy, you got

One of them disability checks.

We could use that to buy you a

Wheelchair or --

>> early: no.

You take this to town, and you

Buy me one of them inflatable

Rockin' santa clauses in the

Bubble globe.

>> rusty: where we gonna put

That?

>> early: on the trampoline in

The yard, right next to the

Elvis rocker jukebox.

Now go on!

>> rusty: all right then.

>> early: [ thinking ] You never

Get scored as a parent, like in

Bowling, but you should.

'cause then I would receive the

Gold medal for love.

I know that boy

For hisself one day.

He'll be a world-famous trucker.

Or maybe I'll spot him one night

In the battle cage, a mysterious

Eight-legged scrapper, executing

A perfect rear-naked choke on

Tim "The maine-iac" sylvia.

And I'll say, "That's my boy.

That is

>> ho ho ho!

[ rock music plays ]